Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am struck with marriage problems in my life

eman dua despair faith

Assalaamu alaikum...

Hi I am a muslim(27 years) and doing job and earning good amount of money.

Actually 4 years before I met a non muslim girl (27 years and doing job) and we loved each other. And I suggested her that if she accept islam after the end of life it will be successful for you. So after taking some time she accepted my suggestion and became ready to marry me by accepting Islam. I convinced the same in my home and my family members also accepted me as they will respect my decision. But unfortunately girls family members didn't accept for this so she came out of her home and she married me (Nikah). As she told me lot of times that if I am with her nobody is required for her. And she wants to spend the whole life with me. So even I had heartfully married her and want to live with her forever. After marriage after spending 3 days her brother called me and her and he convinced that he will support us and arrange the marriage grandly by convincing her family.. So I accepted for that and I sent her to her home.

But next day itself she started saying I wont come now. I am confused.. I don't know what happen to me.. As she is matured around 27 years and she is saying she confused and she cannot leave her parents and family.. My heart was broken immediately.. Actually I was very happy that my love is successful and want to live with her forever as I love her a lot...

I had lot of fights with her and her family but no use.. She is giving the same response... Then I was gone mad and committed suicide 2/3 times but by the grace of Allah I saved my life..

But one fine day I thought maybe their family had changed her mentality so I want give her time why because I don't want to take decisions while I am angry.. So I waited 1 year but no use... And she was meeting me lot of times even in this 1 year.. I was very much frustated.. I was not having food, I became mad.. Meanwhile in my home I am getting other matches... But I rejected everyone because I cannot accept other girl in my life and this is what I was strongly feeling..

And sometimes I was warning her that I am getting matches decide fast.. And she was saying that I know about you, you won't marry.. if you do that I will die.. Like that I spent 3.5 years in hell... Really I cannot expain how I had spent 3.5 years waiting for her..hurting myself...walking lot of kilometers without food..And shouting on the roads...I was gone mad completely..

After 3.5 years my family friend's daughter (Non muslim) met me and we are talking to each other.. After one month she proposed me.. But I didn't accept her proposal because the old girl is still in my heart.. But one day I told her everything about my past.. She accepted everything and she told she don't want my past..She wants to be in future..Main point is she wants to convert into islam..Even her parents also proposed that they will do nikah grandly.. I have taken lot of time to decide.. Even iffere istakahara namaz also.. Finally I decided to accept her proposal..And after spending time with her slowly I forget the old girl..

But even now if I remember the old girl the new girl supports me and will try to divert me.. Important thing is she already accepted islam before marriage itself and also started doing namaz..wearing burkah..

But now my main problem is I told my decision with my family..but they are literally rejecting my decision..They are fighting with me like anything..Actually I rejected lot of matches as I cannot accept another girl..But because of this girl I got new hope and am happy with her...But my parents are not understanding my heart..

Even this new girl had told the other friends that she is going to marry muslim and want to learn about islam..and she started learinging and also following islam properly..But now my parents are not ready to marry..at any cost...all the trials are finished..

And I did lot of istakhara namaz and asked Allah about this girl..And finally decided to live with her..But now beacuse of my parents I hurted a lot.. Again I am getting depression and suicidal thoughts.. But meanwhile I am doing Jikr like 'La ilaha illa anta subahanaka inni kuntuminazaalimiin' so far am saving.. Actually I was thinking that after 3.5 years of hell maybe I will get good life without any problems.. But again I am facing the same problems..I don't know why it is happening with me..

I am asking Allah to save me from these problems..because I strongly believe that if we are any sort of problems and strucked on earth  if we ask Allah he will save because he is the only one to save from any kind of problems..

And now I decided to marry the girl without my family members interference.. But I was heartfully not interested to marry without my parents..What to do now??..I am going mad... Also my age is 30 years now and even I want to marry and have children bit early so that I can look after them ...All my friends are married and having children also..but I am the one alone going mad...

Please do dua for me to resolve from my problems..Also please suggest me what to do..

I think I had posted a long description but at least I had shared my feelings a little bit and also hoping that Allah will open some way for me through this site..

Please help me...

Jaanuraja

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4 Responses »

  1. Asak brother....may Allah swt ease Ur pain....c according to me the first girl ....u loved her with all Ur heart gave urself completely to her unfortunately she couldn't do the same...and after reading it seems like u have suffered enough more than enough please forget that girl if she can make u suffer in that manner n not care she isn't worthy of ur love....coming to the second girl...agreed that she was a non-muslim but Mashallah Allah gave her hidayat and she's converted may Islam bring her peace ...she sounds like a beautiful human and I'm sure will b a wonderful partner to u...not many people get second chances in love this time u got it right....convince Ur parents about her inshallah after they see her and the way she iis they will accept...b patient things will b done when they have to...and don't waste Ur tym thinking of the first girl she's not worth it....move on inshallah marry this girl start a future with her and may Allah bless u both and give u a happy life . Ameen . I hope this helps

  2. Asalamoalaikum brother,
    You are repeating history that is why your family is not supporting you this time.

    First girl was non muslim,converted and then series of events leading to your complete mad state of mind.
    Again this girl is also non muslim,converting and although her parents are ok with it but your family is not convinced and that is the reason they are not supporting you due to first bad experience.

    Your judgement regarding future partner selection is not sound to your family. Listen to your family logic and then make decision without being emotional or sentimental.

    I'm confused with your post if you are 27 or 30 year old anyway 27to 30 year of age for men is not too late to start family. Don't make decision in haste due to age factor. Take your time and find a good spouse for yourself in islamic way (it could be this second lady with God will)so Allah shower you with blessings in your matrimonial life.

  3. Assalam alaikum Brother,

    I think somewhere in your mind you want to have this story of helping a girl revert to Islam to become a success in which you are a hero--and that has somehow prioritized over other things. It may not be something you intended, but it seems to be there in your subconscious.

    You speak a lot about Islam and wanting to bring your future wife to Islam, yet, you also speak about suicide as a reaction to a trial in which you don't attain your wants/desires. Perhaps none of this is about any girl that you want to marry and it is more a means or a way for you to reflect on your soul and how to regain control over it.

    Listen, when you married the first girl, it seems you did so without any wali for her and three days later she returned to her family and now I completely understand why your family wouldn't want you to marry the second girl who says she will revert to Islam--what does marriage have to do with reverting to Islam? I know of many men and women who revert to Islam and who haven't married (for a variety of reasons), but they are practicing and self-declaring Muslims regardless of their marital status. My point is, it seems your first marriage and potential second marriage are a lot of "talk" about Islam in the future, but that is something that hasn't happened yet.

    Building your future on shaky grounds is what has left you in distress - why don't you try to marry a girl from a Muslim family? How about you talk with your parents a bit more? OR, why does your parents' opinion suddenly matter to you AFTER you decided to get married--shouldn't they have been involved before?

    I think you have a lot of plans and you want to forcibly fit your life story pieces together with Islam, but yet, you reject circumstances not going your way...you write "Actually I was very happy that my love is successful..." You have tied your happiness to your love being successful and when you have defined happiness as this, it will grow if your love story grows and your happiness will wither away when your love story fails...instead, dear Brother, tie your happiness to your relationship with Allah swt--accept the challenges of life, but pick up the pieces again by trusting in Allah swt and knowing that this will is just temporary. Re-focus and ask yourself if perhaps you can redefine your definition for happiness.

    May Allah swt ease your struggles, Ameen.

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