Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am Sunni, my parents rejected my Shia boyfriend, what should I do?

Salaam brothers & sisters.

shia sunni unity

"As for those who divide their religion and break up Into sects, thou hast no part in them in the least: Their affair is with Allah: He will in the end Tell them the truth Of all that they did." [Al-Qur'an 6:159

My issue is just as typical as any other on this website. I am a 21 year old Muslim Sunni girl and my boyfriend is a 23 year old Shia. I recently told my parents of my relationship to unburden myself with the guilt of secrecy. As I expected both my parents strongly rejected and my entire family is now aware and involved.

I have been with this boy for three years and really do want to marry him and after all the things we have been through he has moved away and we are slowly growing apart; only for the sake of MY parents.

My biggest issue is that I am no longer a virgin and have repented and all but have no idea what to do. Should/can I marry him against my familys will to make up for my action? Or do I just repent and move on?

I am extremely hurt by everything and can no longer think of what to do. Please brothers and sisters do not turn this into a Sunni/Shia debate, I am here for guidance not politics.

Salaam Wailaykoum.


Tagged as: , , , , ,

33 Responses »

  1. Salaam sister Fateema.

    I am sorry to hear about your situation. In general marriages between Sunni and Shia are difficult due to the differences, and some scholars say some may not be allowed, depending on his beliefs. Some beliefs which constitute shirk may take a person out of the fold of Islam, making them unlawful for you to marry. I dont know about this brother.The greater the differences the more problems. In any case, if your parents are refusing to accept you cannot force them.

    Repent sincerely for your sin and of course vow not to go near it again dear sister. You are not required to marry him to make up for your sin - sincere repentance is sufficient InshaAllah. I do not know if marrying against parents is permitted but it is certainly not recommended. And of course as a sister you need a wali. It is not easy marrying without family blessings as well, and causes many problems later on.

    If there is no way you are able to marry him with family consent, it is best to move on sister, especially as you are already growing apart and there is no way of being with him in a halal way except marriage. This is why it is so important to avoid pre-marital relationships and even avoid emotional relationships before establishing whether you have a future or not.

    In time InshaAllah you will move on, but use this time to get closer to Allah swt, do your salat if you don't already. Do Tahajjud, read Qur'an and keep busy with hobbies and halal activities.

    I pray that Allah swt eases your pain and gives you what He knows is best for you.

    Sara Editor

  2. Islam does not believe or preach casteism of any kind - why is everyone here offering advice of this kind?
    Doesnt the Quran clearly say you should marry a pious muslim or person of the book and there is no concept of shia vs sunni . Really editors of this site- please take notice when your people post advice like this.
    It absolutely contradicts what is on here in terms of following the Quran and the words of the Prophet

    • Salaam I will try to expalin. Apologies if I wasnt clear. I agree with you on that sister that we dont preach casteism. It is not about casteism, its about belief.
      However as I said some practices by some sects of Muslims may constitute shirk e.g some believing Ali RA is divine astaghfirullah. It is true that I do not know whether it is Shia and/what type. So in general the advice offered by many Sheikhs is that so long as the beliefs or practices are not shirk then it is allowed. This is at the discretion of the person though as there are a lot of variations in practices. Also the main point I was emphasising was the differences in practices may cause unecessary problem. I do not claim to know it all, and I also do not promote dividing Islam but I cannot ignore this. I do not want this to turn into a Sunnah/Shia debate but we cannot ignore the differences. May Allah forgive me if I am wrong. And Allah knows best.

      Sara Editor

      • Sara
        That is exactly what I was questioning- the Quran has no Sunni and Shia etc so where did this come from? So essentially someone came up with the idea of Sunni or whatever and this is the belief that everyone speaks of -including you. Isnt it time all the muslims went back to the Quran and read what is written and follow it in the right way instead of coming up with their own versions of Islam?
        I think you as a person offering advice should consider what you are saying and think of whether you are following or changing to the Quran and its beliefs.
        I am suprised that people are given different opinions on this site on things like forced marriages, caste, community etc when all these have been declared unacceptable in the Quran - so who is right Muslims?

        • shattercloud, Sunni and Shiah are just words. They have no significance. What matters is belief. Faith and action are what define a Muslim. A Muslim is one who testifies that there is no God but Allah and that Muhammad is His Messenger; who prays, fasts Ramadan, pays Zakat and performs Hajj when able. A Muslim must also not do anything that contradicts the Shahadah. For example, if one declares himself to be a Muslim, but at the same time he believes that Allah appeared in the form of a man - several sects have such beliefs - then we cannot consider him Muslim, since such a belief is a violation of the Shahadah.

          So, our task is to follow the Quran, and follow the Prophet, and try to understand and practice the Quran in the way that it was understood and practiced by the Prophet and his companions. Most people summarize this as "Sunni", meaning we follow the Sunnah or way of the Prophet. But "Sunni" is just a word and if one does not like to use such a label, that's fine. I never use it to describe myself. I just say I am Muslim. But I am clear about the principles of my aqeedah or creed.

          "Shiah" is also just a word. It is short for "Shiat Ali", or party of Ali, because the Shiah came about as a group of Muslims who believed that Ali should have inherited the rulership of the Ummah immediately after the death of the Prophet (pbuh), and that the only legitimate leadership of the Ummah comes from Ali and his descendants.

          In an of itself, this is not a major difference, and there is no problem with marryng such people. In fact many of the differences between Sunni and Shiah are minor and most scholars sanction marriages between the two. This is particularly true for the Twelver Shiah or Zaydi Shiah.

          However, not all Shiah have the same beliefs. There are many subsects among them. If someone claims to have a different version of the Quran, or curses the Sahabah, or in extreme cases claims that the Prophethood should have gone to Ali, or that Ali is God incarnate (astaghfirullah), then such a person is not suitable for marriage to a Muslim. And yes, some among the Shiah do make such claims.

          So the label is not important. What is important is what one believes, and whether it is consistent with what Allah has revealed and commanded. If yes, ma-sha-Allah. If no, then stay away. Every person must be judged individually.

          In practical terms, judging each person's belief individually and analyzing his faith point by point can be quite difficult. It's probably easier just to avoid Sunni-Shiah marriages. But that's my personal opinion only.


  3. Sister for a muslim/muslima the hereafter is important its simple as that a sunni cannot marry a shia because of the belief and total deviation from teaching of islam and prophet.

  4. Dear Sister Sara

    Shias don't consider Ali (A.S) as divine, in fact there isn't any sect of shia that considers him divine. Those who consider Ali (A.S) divine are called Nusairi..Second to the original question asker there is no problem between shia and sunni marriages as long as you are both open and willing to communicate about what fiqhi differences there might be which also exist between different school of thoughts among sunni schools. If you really love him then pray to ALLAH to show you what is best for you. Don't let anyone else (including your parents influence your decision) ask ALLAH to show you the right way and believe me HE will show you the right path, whether it would be to listen to your parents or to go and marry with that guy. However, let me say that marrying without family's consent is a very difficult step and so you should pray that if this boy is meant for you then may ALLAH soften your parents heart.
    To brother Zahid I would urge you to pick up a shia school of thought book today (I would recommend Nahj-ul-balagha a book of sermons from Ali (A.S) ) and read for yourself. Instead of spreading rumors you might want to learn about shiaism and how it is not deviating from the teachings of Islam and Prophet (PBUH&HP). Please stop spreading rumors from just what you have heard as it is equal to lying according to the Prophet (PBUH &HP).

    • I completely agree with sister Zahra. I am a sunni, been studying the Shia fiqh for the past 6 years and there is no fundamental difference between the two.

  5. Dear Sister,

    You pls go ahead and marry your Shia boy freind even against your parents will.

    You have already deceived your parents the day you had sexual intact with your boyfreind, and now if you marry a new man then you are again going to deceive new Man and new parents & you will be having a guilt feelings thru out in your life.

    But if you marry your love Allah will also forgive you and later also your parents will Inshallah, as they already know about your affair.

  6. Assalaam Alaykum w.w
    First of all repent to ALLAH form what you have done.
    Second: try to test this man's love by asking him if he is willing to become a Suni in order to get marriage, if he agree that mean he loves you and then you can convince you parents in the new situation. if he refuse, that mean he dislike you and just leave him.

    • Brother you can't test whether a man loves you or not by asking him to do something foolish like changing his school of thought just to prove is love. No offence but that was a foolish advise. What if I ask you hurt/kill yourself to prove me that you love your parents or your girlfriend or friend. This is not a standard to test someone whether he love you not.
      When it comes to loving someone. In love you love the other person more than you love yourself. In love, your wants and desires are no more important to you. In love. all you want is to make the other person happy because that is what gives you happiness.

  7. Thank you to everyone who replied. But as I expected this turned into a Sunni/Shia debate.
    Jazak Allah to everyone for their responses. I have decided to marry my boyfriend even with all the problems we will face. The only reason my parents totally disagreed was due to my Salaf siblings who interfered so much. Please put my in your prayers brother in sisters, I'd greatly appreciate it. Salaam walaykoum.

  8. Salam brothers and sisters. I am stuck in a confusing situation at the moment. I am currently in Mecca and asked the sheik al haram if I could marry and he said absolutely not as Shias go outside the fold of Islam. These are the most educated sheiks in the world and how can I go against such learned men? He told me that unless he truly became Sunni I CANNOT marry him as Shia are not Muslims. After all my hardship I am yet again put in pain. Can someone please please explain to me what do I do? I'm getting to the point where I'm running desperately for answers :((( whose fatwa is correct?

    • Sister Fateema,
      I really don't have deep insight in this sunni/shiah debate but from all the responses I’ve read, brother Wael has given you the best response. Read over it and see if your boyfriend’s beliefs go against the Quraan, the hadith and the 5 pillars of Islam. Does his family have certain practices that bear no connection with the Quran and our Prophet’s (P.B.U.H.) teaching?

      The sheikh whom you talked to may have this image of shiah people and the un-acceptable practices some of them perform so I believe he made a generalization that no you cannot marry people who hold such beliefs. But like brother Wael has stated more accurately, there is a huge variation in Shiah people as well. You know best what are his and his family’s beliefs.

      Also, keep your family in mind. If they don’t agree how will you make this marriage possible? You really need to sit down and think what the best thing to do is.

      -Helping Sister

    • salam, first of all I'm shia so let me clear every thing right away. we shias offer prayers 5 times (most of us pray 3 tims but its ok you can pray zoher and asir plus mughrib and isha together) in a week we put our sajjud to Allah Almight and we shias do believe that allah is the only god and the prophet saw is his last messenger. the only difference between shias and sunnis are that shia people think that the first three shabas (Hazrat umer, Hazrat abu bakar and hazrat usam) were quit wrong back then and they took some wrong decisions, but again not all shias think in the same way (just like me) and if they say anything against sahabs that will not actually put them out side the circle of islam. well the sheik him self has some ego problems as there no such thing mentioned in quran that you cant marry shia or sunni. Just go and marry your boyfriend before wasting your time, and yeah your parents will never allow you to marry a shia person anyway (cuz every single sect thinks that they are right and rest are jahanami and kafirs).

  9. Hi Fateema,

    First you need to understand yourself, do you have any secratarian feelings ? Either you wanna go with opinions of Sheikh or you want your Love.

    Those who say Shias are out of fold of Islam they say so due to their personal jealous and personal grudge,

    Remember All those who believe in Allah, Prophet and Day of judgement are Muslims as per Quran.

    Being Sheikh al haram doesn't guarantee that he is right in all matters. When Sheikh says that Shias are out of Islam, then ask that Bastard that Then how come Shias are allowed to visit the Holy Shrines of Mecca & Medina were non-muslims are prohibited to do so.

    Quran permits Muslims to marry even Jews & Christians as they are Ahle Kitab, then whats the question of inter Muslims marriages.

    Parents have a limit but they cannot enforce you in Marital affairs as per Sharia. You are Aqel & baligh you need to take your decisions alone.

    Those Salafi Sheikhs hate Shias, coz Shias love Ahlulbaith (family of Prophet) and Sheikh themselves hate AhlulBayt. and those who hate Ahlulbayt and deprive their rights, Allah will throw them in Hell even if he is Sheikh al haram.

    Quran commands us to Love Ahlulbayt

    "Say (O Muhammad, unto mankind): I do not ask of you any reward for it but love for my near relatives". Qur'an (42:23)

    And about The Verse of Purity (Ayat Al-Tathir): "... Allah only desires to keep away the uncleanness from you, O people of the House! And to purify you a (thorough) purifying." Qur'an (33:33)

  10. Hadees Refernce on Love of AhlulBayt (The family of Prophet sws)

    Prophet Muhammad (sws) said - "Behold! And he who dies with love of the family of Muhammad, for him there will open two gates in his grave toward the Paradise".

    Prophet Muhammad (sws) said - "Behold! He who dies with the HATE of the family of Muhammad, has died unbeliever and he will never feel the smell of Paradise.

    Sunni references:

    Tafsir al-Kabir, by Fakhr al-Din Muhammad Ibn Umar al-Razi, Pub. in Egypt (1357/1938), under commentary of verse 42:23, Part 27, pp. 165-166.
    Tafsir al-Kashshaf, by al-Zamakhshari
    Tafsir al-Kabir, by al-Tha'labi

  11. Prophet Muhammad - may Allah (SWT) bestow peace and benedictions upon him and his pure Progeny - said: "Verily, I am leaving behind two precious things (thaqalayn) among you: the Book of Allah and my kindred (itrah), my household Ahlul Bayt (Ahl al-Bayt), for indeed, the two will never separate until they come back to me by the Pond (of al­Kawthar on the Day of Judgement)." [Hadith-e-Saqlain]

    Imam al-Shafi'i, one of the four Imams of the Sunni school of thought, in his famous verses says, "Let everybody know that if the love of Prophet Muhammad's descendants means to be a Rafizi, I am a Rafizi."

    Imam al-Shafi'i also says, "O Ahlul Bayt (Ahl al-Bayt)! Allah (SWT) has made it obligatory in the Noble Qur'an to love you. It is a matter of pride for you that without invoking blessing on you, prayer is not valid." Again he says in his verses, "After having seen that the people have chosen different ways which have led them to the Ocean of deviation and ignorance. I have, in the name of Allah (SWT), embarked the ship which may lead me to safety. The Ahlul Bayt of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) are that very ship, we have been ordered to hold fast the rope of Allah (SWT), and that rope is their love."

  12. Salam sister Fateema,

    Firstly, you cannot call shias non-muslims as they are the lovers of the family of the holy Prophet (s.a.w). They grieve in the rememberence of all those atrocities they confronted in Karbala to the Holy household of our beloved Prophet (s.a.w). It is reccomended that you read literature on the Martydom of Imam Hussayn (a.s). Hence, please ignore those who are telling you that your lover is a non-muslim because he is not and be preparred to find disagreement amongst other sects in Islam. It is appreciated that Ali (above) has cleared misconceptions you may have. With this information you will be able to articulate infront of your family the reasons why you wish to marry this person and change the way you believe.

    Its time to judge whether your lover's personal character is good enough for you or not rather than his belief since he is a muslim. I suggest you stop asking for conflicting suggestions as they will dishearten you and weaken you further. Please try to stand up for yourself.

  13. i'm facing the same problem sister, but minus the virginity part

    • salam sister,

      yes i have had a shia proposal in the past, a decent man indeed. i was prepared to marry him, but i just couldnt do it, not just for my sake, for my future childrens sake.

      It is very difficult to marry a shia, they are without doubt muslims, however one can not undermine or underestimate the fundamental differences between both respectable sects.
      The point of dispute between us and them is not just who IS the legitamate successor of the prophet, it is much more deeper than that.

      please pray istikhara and follow your mind not your love, for it is not love YOU are following, it is a mere deception you are blindly following. You do not want to wake up one morning feeling regretful.

      i really hope this helps, i was in your situation and have overcome my feelings.

      good luck.

  14. its very simple sister fateema, you just need to study islam and inshallah you will come to know what is truth and trust me it will be easy to take of luck

  15. Well I was in a similar situation and absolutely refused to give up my love but that was when we never used to talk about the back of my head I always knew it was an issue. I asked him to convert and he asked me the same. But then I realiosed that I would never convert (even for him) why would he ?
    So I left him behind and got engaged to a sunni. It doesn't we've stoppped loving each other. I love him for the person he is but my loyalty lay with my God.
    Yes you've made a misake by sleeping with him but marrying him won't fix it.what's done is done. -f your truly sorry then inshAllah God will forgive you.there's too many differences between sunis and shia's. You'll just end up getting seperated.I hope you find a way out of this. I can relate to the pain and mysery .

    • salam sister,

      yes i have had a shia proposal in the past, a decent man indeed. i was prepared to marry him, but i just couldnt do it, not just for my sake, for my future childrens sake. Like your self i managed to move on, difficult but it happened.

      It is very difficult to marry a shia, they are without doubt muslims, however one can not undermine or underestimate the fundamental differences between both respectable sects.
      The point of dispute between us and them is not just who IS the legitamate successor of the prophet, it is much more deeper than that.

      follow your mind not your love, for it is not love YOU are following, it is a mere deception you are blindly following. You do not want to wake up one morning feeling regretful.

      good luck.

  16. Salaam, there are many interesting points mentioned in all the previous comments, and i to am looking of advice or more knowledge, i have asked imams , read books, done istikharah.

    (Rabia, please log in and write your question as a separate post. However I would suggest that if you have asked Imams, read books and done istikhara then you probably have received the guidance you need, and you just need to follow it. Thanks. - Editor)

  17. my boyfriend is shia and he wants me to convert and i guess im converting into shia after marriage,im sunni tho.
    i love him i dont wanna loose him.
    But yes i cant hate my first three caliphs as well.
    Hz umar ra ,hz usman ra,hz abu bkr ra.

    • In my opinion it is not a good idea to leave the Sunnah of the Prophet (sws) to follow a sect which does not have firm guidance. We should acknowledge the Shi'ah as our Muslim brothers and sisters, but we should adhere to the Quran and Sunnah in our own lives.

      Wael Editor

  18. Can anybody tell me any wazifa to convert shia boy into sunni?

  19. what happened in the end?

  20. As its not about shia and sunni its about choice so go for it and do ur own will

  21. First of all just think that Almighty Allah and prophet PBUH have not made any sects, and in fact islam opposes it seriously, why this sunni or shia, just be muslims, go convince your parents on logical base and then enjoy your life without being in this snob culture of being shia or sunni, condemn it strongly, follow what u feel the best and ask Allah for guidance and help, and i am gonna tell u that my family claims to be sunni, but I don't, neither I am shia nor sunni, I am just a muslim, my family opposes but surely Allah is dearest to me, and I am in love with a boy who claims to be shia, his family and my family both r against our marraige but sister I am not to give it up, I am determined to break this orthodox of sects, we both r muslims that's it,
    and the thing u did adultery a sin without parents permission then why r u reluctant to marry him( an allowed act in islam) witout their permission, may Allah have mercy on all of us, pray for me as well.

    • Assalaamualaikum. If a person says they are a shia, what do you understand by that expression?

      Yusuf Editor

Leave a Response