Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am tested once and again, will my sins be forgiven (Part 2)

break habit sin

Breaking the cycle of sin.

Salaam alia'koum  Brothers and Sisters,

I just don't know where to begin? I had done a previous post last year called "I am tested once and again, will my sins be forgiven".

Unfortunately since the past year, things have gone really worse... I didn't know who to turn to and I felt that maybe I shouldn't come here and ask for help. However it has been really hard on me and there is no one else to help besides you guys and Allah swt. I had tried very hard to work towards the advise that was given to me.

Since last year, I had successfully completed university and got offered a job to work near home for at least till the end of this year. Alhumdulilah I am very grateful for what Allah swt has given me and especially at a time when there is very hard time to find jobs. As I have already posted my situation in the  previous post,  I will  continue with what has happened since then or since last year.

At the moment, I feel, ashamed, cheap, full of regret, confused and lost! The brother that I am involved with has ruined my life, more like I had let him ruin my life. I just don't know why I am so weak! Why could I have not stand up for myself and been steadfast.

I realised that love is not what it seemed. I was honestly blinded and stupid (sorry about the language)... Since last year, after saying to him that I want to end all this, and explained that if he contacted me again, I would report him to the authorities, well he did contact me and i was firm and reported him to the Police and we stopped talking altogether and stopped seeing each other.

Alhumdulilah everything was good for a few months but I made the mistake of contacting him again and everything started all over. Unfortunately I am still in contact with him now and since last year, we have done so much things that i feel ashamed  of writing it here (although we haven't done intercourse, we have seen each other and done everything else like oral sex). I feel so cheap and ashamed.

We then decided that we must marry each other because of what we have done with each other. We used to meet secretly but when he was caught by my dad, I made up a story and since then he has never come near my house. But he always used to meet me after work and after sitting alone in the car, we unfortunately ended up doing bad again.

We have started to fight a lot and I have started to swear at him and his family nearly every day. I have started to use such bad language at him because I just feel he does not respect nor understand me. I keep telling him what is the use to continue this relationship if there is no respect, trust and understanding.

Do you think i should still have hopes of marrying him for what we have done together? (he always says that we must marry because of what we done)..

I have stopped praying altogether. I have stopped reading quran and I have started to watch bad things and it has made me start doing bad things as well. Before i started regretting it and now i feel like it has become a habbit. I am really sinking low!

We now don't see each other often and nor do we talk alot to each other. When we do, it is just fighting.. or sometimes when he makes me angry or ignores my calls, I start going on chat rooms and talk to other guys and share how i feel and what i have done in my past. I just feel so sad and bad. I feel like life has no meaning for me.

We have planned that he could ask for my hand when I come to another country for work, but I am unsure of what might happen in the future. I still wanted to purse my Masters and then find a permanent job in my home country. I just dont know what to do.

I also took leave from work to just go overseas to visit relatives for about few weeks. I then decided then once i come back i would not talk to him but it was the opposite. When i was overseas, i was talking to him everyday and when i was there I meet another guy but we just talked and messaged each other as friends. However I never told my current guy but when i came back, he found all the messages and was really heart broken. I think since then he just doesn't trust me.I just don't know what to do.

My health has deteriorated.. my Grandad is very ill, mum has been overseas for more than 5 months and there is many things happening. At the same time, I am stressing so much about next year, whether the current place will offer me a job again and I have been working day and night, working hard. I feel disappointed when other people are starting to get offers for work, while i am working extremely hard and hear nothing from them.

I feel like sometimes taking my own life because of what i have become. I have let shaitan win over me. I have stopped praying and stopped being religious. I still wear the hijab but i feel like an absolute Hypocrite. Today when i called him so many times, he never answered and so i texted him over a 100 messages swearing at him and his family. i feel like if i keep swearing he will soon leave me. The love we had for each other has completely changed.

I just don't know what to do? with myself or with my life? I have betrayed myself and my family most importantly I have let my parents down and Allah swt. I am so scared of what might happen in the future. My family has no idea what i have done behind their backs, and this brother sometimes makes it clear that if i am not his, he will not let me become anyone elses. He said he would tell my family everything if i decide to leave him. I am also so scared about that.

I really need help! Please help me sisters and brothers! Before I fall so low and hit the bottom! I would really appreciate it. I don't have any muslim friends and i stopped contacts  with them since i have finished uni. At work, they are all non muslims and it has been such a tough time! Please help me.

Masalaam,

Sister K


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39 Responses »

  1. Dear sister K,

    How come I feel like I am reading my own story with a few differences here and there, but exactly similar? What I am saying dear sister is that you are not alone in this matter. It was not until I lost everything. Family, friends, jobs, a place to stay, school, savings, I mean everything. Like any weak human being that is when I truly, sincerely turned to Allah SWT. And Allah SWT, like HE had always promised, HE was never far away and gave me back so much more Al7amdoulillah. I still fight my nafs constantly from contacting that man. But it is a fight that I alone can fight with the help of Allah SWT, Al7amdoulillah.

    I have gone through disrespect (and this happens when you both cross the line that Allah SWT has placed for our own protection. When you commit zina either minor or major you are both abusing each other and this in return will lead to disrespecting each other). You see, your heart cannot take the burden of sins, guilt and right now its crying for help and ease.

    When you lose hope (which is exactly what shaitan wants), you lose the will to fight your own weak nafs. But the best blessing I had realized that Allah gave me which also created hope is that I had not lost my Virginity to that person Alhamdoulillah. This thought brought so much relief in me and gave me hope. I realized that Allah SWT did protect me. That Allah did, does and will always love me. Realizing this gave me hope. I started to work hard to fight my weak nafs, begged Allah SWT over and over to forgive me (and this act of 2oubah should never stop), and I began to focus on myself.

    And this is what you need right now. You have NOT lost your virginity (praise be to Allah SWT) to this man so you still have hope sister K. There is always hope (even for thos who did lose it). Always and I mean always thank Allah SWT...... shaitan is fighting you so hard right now only because he doesn't want you to find that hope. shaitan really doesn't want you to get out of this abusive cycle you are in and keeps feeding off your own weakness because he wants you so far, lost and removed from your Iman. shaitan doesnt want you to feel that Allah SWT did, is and InshaAlah will protect you. shaitan wants you to continue feeling hopeless and lost. Right now your worst enemy is yourself because you are so down, on the verge of losing hope and far from the best medicine (ALLAH SWT). And that in itself is the target point that shaitan is looking for.

    This is a vicious cycle you are in with this man and no one can help you but yourself and Allah SWT. But you must make the first move. I can only swear and say Wallah, I truly understand what you are going through. At one point I asked myself if I was possessed because I couldn't control myself (Aoudhubillah). I called him even after he insulted me and my chastity. He literally abused me (emotionally and psychologically) and I still kept going back. My sister and mother begged me to stay away from him see him for what he is. And even though I did, but I still went back, craving for this man's wicked attention. I sought many professional advices/counseling but still I couldn't control myself as I still went back to this man. It affected my relationship with my family and friends.

    So fight sister K, fight your self, your weakness, and shaitan.

    Be thankful that you have your school completed and maybe focus on your masters just like you always dreamed of doing. Be pleased that you have a current job and don't worry about the future, just focus on the here and now. Allah SWT is so full of rizq, so don't worry about a future career job when you already have something currently. At least you can pay your bills, there are people out there who have less to nothing.

    I cannot tell you to forget this man because that never worked for me. So find something that works for you so you can heal but it must be done away from this man with no contact at all. You need time alone to reflect. Find that time alone and find your own solution of what works for you so you can heal from this unhealthy relationship InshaAllah. If you need anything that you would like me to address of which might be helpful to you just post it here and InshaAllah I will reply.

    I always make dua to Allah SWT to help me in this process of healing and promise to include you in them InshaAllah. It is said that a dua made on behalf of another brother/sister is very pleasant Allah SWT. May Allah SWT make it easy for you to find ease and peace from this test. It is a test from Allah my sister so fight hard to pass it InshaAllah. Faltering and falling is not a failure...failure is when you give up and decide to stay down when you fall. So stand up and brush off each time you fall. At one point, you will completely learn the mistakes and never fall.

    Salaam,
    Your Sister In Islam

    NB/ Quote: "he always says that we must marry because of what we done". So why did you not accept his offer?

  2. Salaam. sister look how far you have come! First it was hugging and kissing. Then u both did inapproriate touching and now u said in your post that u have done oral sex! Astagfirullah. the reason you keep going back to him is because you are LONELY! Y on earth dont you get married!? U keep saying u feel bad and have regrets but yet you keep doing this shameful acts with this married guy!

    You have been comiting big sins and youre repentence will not be accepted as you keep going back shamelessly. dyou need to forget your job or education or watever and first of all get MARRIED as soon as possible. Im scared that you will end up losing your virginity!!! i think we know that you cant control urself and its good that you do feel bad and you want to make changes but you can see you have not really helped yourself and have done oral sex!.

    Sister is your family looking to get u married?? Dont you think that you should? Enstead of comiting these haraam acts and contuining in this filth and sins... I hope you seriously think about geting married to save yourself from more sins. You should have got married last year. i dont understand why is it soo hard to ignore someone. U can change ur number. Maybe jobs and email accounts. Also if the guy comes to your workplace and outside your hs then why dont u tell ur family. The problem is YOU KEEP GOING BACK TO HIM.

    • Dear muslim girl,

      I was just wondering. Where does it say that the man is a married man? I went back to her post and re-read. Did I miss it? Just wondering because if the man is married then my post above applied in effect thinking that they were both unmarried.

      • In her previous post. I think there is an urgent need for this sister to get married in her situation only to save herself from further sins and haraam relationships with men. she went abroad to take a break from her bf and try to sort her head out but she ended up chating and making friendship with another male and also continued chating to her present bf whilst abroad. The sister also chats online with men and tells them about her past..i mean can u see a pattern here?? She will end up with another men from online who will just use and abuse her thinking she is damaged goods.. The sister is thinking of doing her masters but i think she shud get married and be in a halaal relationship n save herself from zina and ending up doing sex. both her post shows she has no willpower, self contraints whatsoever.

        The previous advice that she received here has not worked. She is in worse situation now.

        • Let's not jump the gun here sexually/marriage speaking. Yes, there is a pattern. However I am confident that she can shake off the pattern if need be, many do btw. let's not rush this sister into marriage before she has time to process why she acts as she does. Should we not give her time for introspection? Did muslimgirl not read what I wrote? Marriage is not the end all for environmental/family issues....introspection is.

          BTW...Muslimgirl what are you prattling about? Since she and I have been sinners in the same realm, and you stayed home to be "good"...what do you know of us? Nothing.
          What do you know of her or I? Nothing. you haven't been there, so I ask you to respectfully "shut up".

          • @muslimgirl OMG you are confused, you just made all that up relating to someone else's previous post not to this one.

            I just want to say may she get through this difficult time my heart sincerely goes to her and her difficulties she is facing right now, may allah help and guide her.

          • Lydia im asking you to respectfuly shut up. You may think sining and doing zina is fine while she tries to find out what her problem is. dont tell me to shut up here learn to speak with some degree of manners. if you can read then i suggest u read my comments again. I dont want the sister to get herself into more trouble. Any scholar will actualy advise her to look for a suitable spouse and get married.

            Lydia just because u have 'experience' in filth does not make you any better in giving advice then us good girls. So u 'respectfuly' shut up and clean ur sins.

        • dear Muslimgirl ,
          urgent need is to stay away from any relationship other than Allah. she has a lot to deal with. she certainly doesnt need a marriage right now.

          let me place a question to you. would you want your borther to marry her ? ( iam not saying that she is does not good for marriage , what iam saying is that , inshallah a time will come when she will enter marriage and live a blissful life, but right now when her own emotions and heart are entangled with sooo much , she should not involve any other man in her life.. this is for her own good. )

          sister muslimgirl.

          forgive me if iam wrong , but i got the impression from our post that you certainly look at peoples behaviour from the comfort of your own home and your own circunstances. a bit judgemental. our actions are a result of circumstances we end up being in. we all are weak by nature , sinners. the test of life is not to see who didnt commit sins , but the test is who repented. Mashallah this sister is showing all sign of regret of her sins, and inshallah once she starts to repent and does not turn to it again she is Allah's favourite.

          sister k ,
          so much good advis has been given by people who have been there in your position. take their advise. Allah is with you. when its all so lost , Allah is even nearer,He is just their just turn around and grab his hand.

          my prayer for you. just turn towards Allah, it will all become easy. inshallah.

          • dear muslim sister,

            if i had commited a sin and you happened to be my friend that i had come for help, although you would have advised me, but in your heart you would have thought 'iam so pious she is a sinner'

            you should seek refuge from Allah from this kind of Arrogance. havent you read that if one has even an ounce of arrogance ( i.e iam superior to others in some way) will not enter Jannah.

            its good that you repleis to sister K's post, so all the people with the 'experience' of filth ( as suggested by you) could point out to 'good girl' that she is also facing a major sin of 'arrogance'

            may allah guide us all.

          • So is it ok for her to continue as she is?? Y are you giving me a lecture on ignorance??U totaly ignored the way lydia spoke to me above and saying thats fine too. friend be fair on giving ur opinion. Dont assume u know me. Im sensing you have pride yourself, maybe you should do something about that.

        • To Sister-K, Muslimgirl, Lydia etc.

          I always visit different Islamic websites that deals with advices/counseling from an Islamic point of view. There was this live session offered by a qualified Islamic counselor (one of my favorites, Dr. Bachmeir). One session did strike a chord with this very same heated topic that we are discussing and I thought I should share with everyone here. Please see below.

          Question 2:
          Assalam Aleikum
          I have recently ended a two year of unhealthy relationship that I mentioned in my first email. I have realized that the haraam relationship I had with this brother (let’s call him brother A) had affected me beyond my capabilities (hence my first email to you calling out for help). I believe the pain I felt and sometimes still feel is due to the consequences of letting myself in such a situation that displeased Allah SWT. It was a test and I failed and I am still recuperating. My only and best defense is that my intentions and true hopes were for marriage with this brother A.
          I am working on forgiving myself. It’s hard because I remember the haraam things I did with brother A and its killing me inside. Please advise me on what steps to take to make it easy for myself and forgive myself InshaAllah. I also can’t seem to want to forgive brother A. He has said and threatened very evil things about me. He even accused me and defamed my chastity and destroyed my integrity. Allah is my witness as I am still a Virgin Alhamdulillah. I have prayed to Allah for forgiveness (consistently), patience and ease. I have also prayed for a spouse that would please Allah SWT.

          I think Allah SWT answered my prayers because my family members have introduced me to another brother but a very good one MashaAllah. (Let’s call him brother B). It has only been a month since my break-up with brother A. I am still healing and I don't think I have fully moved on as I sometimes feel intense hate for brother A. I really want to work it out with brother B and deep in my heart I wish we could be married soon. In my haste, I think I jeopardized my chance with this brother B by pushing him a bit too fast.

          I keep reminding myself that Allah SWT is the best planner and that He knows best. But I ask myself if brother B is yet another test from Allah SWT? I guess with brother B, I am trying to avoid the whole "let’s get to know one another before we get married". I don't want to repeat the same mistakes. I don't know what to do. What is the best way to handle brother B.? Please advise.
          I also need advice on how I can teach myself to be patient, patient with myself and patient with others.
          I am also afraid of myself. I am afraid of my weaknesses and scared that I might contact brother A someday. I have done that in the past where I would go on for two months thinking I was getting over him then suddenly I see myself calling him. I am scared of me and I don't know how to handle it.
          I also don't trust men. Since I have known brother A, I have developed this idea that almost all men are cheaters and liars. I have trust issue with people and men in general. How to overcome this?
          JazakaAllah
          Answer 2:
          Wa `Alaykum Assalam dear sister,
          I will make an effort to respond to each of your paragraphs.
          I am so happy to hear that you have made a harmonious connection with your mother and that you do have a sister and a friend in her. This is very important. It takes time to make a friend that you can trust. Take things one day at a time. You have overcome so much Alhamduillah. Congratulations on your living place and your job. You are doing all of the correct things and I pray this helps you to feel better about life in general. Yes, ALLAH is ever present for you. Perhaps you can join the women's group in your Masjid and make some new friends. You would simply start with getting to know a sister or two. You do not have to share your deepest secrets or force closeness. There are different levels of friendship. You might be able to find some sisters who would like to spend some time with you doing something light and fun, or you might find a group where you can study Quran with other women, or a cooking group etc. Go slow, and explore your options.
          Whenever we engage in an activity that separates us from ALLAH, we suffer. Allah knows your heart and your intentions. Your intentions show me that you have always wanted to remain close to ALLAH. ALLAH fulfills the desires of your heart, as it is He that creates them. Anything that might seem like a desire, but separates us from ALLAH, is actually a whisper from our Ego state, and Shaytan can confuse us with this. You have found your way home Ma sha’ Allah.

          When you come to the realization that when people are less than honorable then they are operating from a fear based state of existence where Ego makes decisions and makes the individual vulnerable to Shaytan, you will also understand the human condition. This is the cause of suffering. You will realize how miserable this brother A is, and you will eventually pity this individual for his lack of awareness, his lack of ability to desire ALLAH which is leaving him in a very sad state of existence. You will be able to forgive a person when you realize how he is a human being with ignorance and lack of understanding of ALLAH. You do not have to ever ever condone his behavior. Forgiveness does not mean that you are saying it is ok for another person to abuse you. It just means that you have come to realize how ignorant and helpless this person is. We forgive others for our own sanity. It helps us to move on to a better life when we let go of the anger and fear and frustration. That is what forgiveness on the human level is... letting go. Time will help you with this. Realize and remember that ALLAH created all souls in a state of purity. This includes you and this includes everyone, even those who have done terrible things. They were once pure. This is sad to know how a pure soul becomes so separated from ALLAH that they will hurt another person. When we see from this perspective, we can forgive and even have pity on the separated/suffering soul who lives in darkness/ignorance.

          Think of your relation with brother B as a learning experience. If things work out, then Ma sha’ Allah, this is wonderful. If you have truly scared this brother away, then you at least enjoyed the opportunity to practice meeting suitors and negotiating a relationship while putting ALLAH first in your life. Let things unfold. One way to separate your healing process from your current life experience is to set aside a special time each day to journal your experiences and feelings about brother A. Once the intensity of your feelings level out, you can reduce the number of days per week. In a few months you might only be journaling once per week, or once every two weeks. This will help those residual emotions and feelings fade. It will also clear your mind so that you don’t generalize your experience to other brothers so that you can relate to them as they present themselves.

          By journaling brother A you are able to separate your experiences. You might also want to keep a separate journal so that you can write down your experiences with brother B. This will help you see that they are two completely different people. Write down what you like about brother B. Also, learn healthy boundaries. This is our work as women. If you can learn to balance your healthy boundaries and be clear about what you are not willing to do with a brother, and manage that brother so that he does not disrespect you, then you will feel safer in taking the time to get to know him so that you know if he is the one you want to marry. This is a test for the brother and if he is patient enough, so that you have a chance to know if you feel comfortable with him, and that he is the man you want to marry, then you have a man who is worthy of you. By keeping healthy boundaries and allowing things to unfold, you increase the brother’s ability to grow fond of you and increase in feelings for you while increasing your ability to trust him and to know that you are compatible. It is a delicate balancing act, and you take this one day at a time.
          The behavioral expression of patience is an act of not acting while allowing things to unfold. This takes practice and conscious effort. Pay attention to the chatter in your mind when you begin to feel anxious. Learn to use self-talk when you are anxious and want things to happen faster than they are. By self-talk, I mean create a script for yourself and memorize it. When you catch yourself thinking anxious thought or becoming irritated or frustrated because things are not happening as fast as you like, use your self-script... you can even put it to a tune and sing it silently to yourself. The script can be something like, I love myself and everyone around me, I know that ALLAH is creating something beautiful and wonderful for all of us...one day at a time... that is just an example.
          It also helps to pray. Prayer calms the mind and helps us to live from the soul. Another help in developing patience is to grow something that requires some care. It takes a while for the flower or plant to grow. You watch it daily and you tend to it daily, and you tune into how time does its own work as it collaborates with the Life Force of ALLAH in helping your plant or flower develop and grow.
          If you develop the habit of prayer and try some of the exercises that I gave to you, you will greatly decrease the probability that you will engage in impulsive behavior such as calling brother A. The reason you keep calling him is because there is something inside you that feels a type of panic and lack, and you have perceived that this brother can heal that. But in reality, brother A cannot heal this. No one can fill the emptiness you feel inside that causes panic and lack. This feeling comes from a longing to come close to the Creator, ALLAH. This is why engaging in activities that facilitate your closeness with the Creator will likely reduce the impulsive urges to call a person who cannot fulfill you.
          Focus on trusting ALLAH. Human beings should not be trusted. We are filled with all kinds of ignorance. Trust ALLAH and let life unfold. This way, you open the door for ALLAH to bring you a man and to create the circumstances and milieu that will facilitate your communication and trust with another individual. Learn how to keep healthy boundaries and to trust yourself to have them. Learn to trust ALLAH to help you with that. The rest will take care of itself. A man will either respect you, or he won’t. If he doesn't, don’t give him the time of day. If he doesn't, then let things unfold and see why ALLAH brought the person into your life.

          I pray that you have found some comfort in my responses and that some of it is helpful to you. You are a very bright woman with a beautiful heart and a bright soul. You have so much to offer this world. ALLAH will surely guide you and protect you.
          Salam,
          Dr. Maryam

  3. Dear Sister K,

    From your post you have expressed an unhealthy relationship between yourself and a man. I'm not going to lecture you as to the impropriety of your relationship, as like you I too am human and in the past suffered from many of the same behaviors that you now are wrapped in. Instead, I would prefer to give you some advice from a "been there, done that" perspective, as a woman who faced the same trials as you.

    Firstly, let me say as a human and a woman that attraction of a sexual nature to another is one of the easiest emotions to feel. Yet, in retrospect it is also the easiest emotion to wane. Attraction between married couples is great ONLY if compatibility and respect exist as well. So many times, especially in western cultures, people react first and foremost to sexual/emotional attraction. They embark upon relationships without a thought to compatibility or self-respect. A relationship built soley on attraction/emotion is doomed to fail because without a foundation of compatibility and respect there is nothing to ground and hold the attraction. Both you and the man you speak of vacillate back and forth between being together and trying to avoid one another. He brings you joy, and then pain, and then joy, and then pain. You, yourself send conflicting messages to him as you cut off contact then initiate contact again. The two of you speak of marriage, but neither of you have gone forth to make it happen. Now at this time you fight. Most likely because the attraction has waned leaving behind only the embers of resentment. There seems to be little compatibility between the two of you other than initial attraction.

    You mentioned in your post that when he ignores you, or you haven't seen him for a while you initiate conversations with other men. This is why you do this (in my experienced opinion): you are seeking validation of yourself/self worth through the eyes of mortal men rather than through the eyes of Allah (swt), He that has created you. When you are angry with your "boyfriend" or are feeling slighted you revert to accepting attention from chat room users, or some random dude you barely know. Sure, this helps you in the short-run, but in the long run it only adds to your self-destructive behavior mindset and further sends downward along the spiral of discontent. The entire back and forth relationship with your boyfriend serves neither of you well. It merely prevents you both from finding that which Allah (swt) has destined for you. So...

    Leave that which is unhealthy as hard as it may be. There are times that our attractions to men are akin to a drug addiction. The past is the past, so leave it there. Repent your sins and speak to him no longer. Let him go, and set yourself free as well. Move along a new path. Allah (swt) has given all of his beloved people a tool box of resources. He chose for us to come into this world and he has given us the resources of intelligence, prayer, free will, critical thinking, compassion, love, AND introspection/self-reflection. He has never demanded perfection of us, only acknowledgement of our weaknesses and repentance. Not even any of His prophets were perfect, as they were all humans first and foremost. From your post I gather that Allah (swt) has given you intelligence, a good job, and good health. So you are blessed indeed. The point to reflect upon now is: are you using his blessings or are you abusing his blessings? If you fail to respect yourself and the blessings Allah (swt) has bestowed on you, then how will you ever find a spouse who respects you? If you cannot respect yourself, how will you ever find happiness? Respect for yourself and your creator is the first and strongest brick in the foundation of your life.

    Does Allah(swt) test us? Yes. All the time. Some times we are also given pop quizzes when we least expect it. That is our life here on earth. However, remember that Allah(swt) is a most benevolent and merciful teacher. He has given to us not only the Prophet (PBUH), but all other prophets before him as our tutors. He, also gave to us all the best study guide ever: the Quaran. HE also grades on a curve when repentance is asked. Just like any student, we will not score well on every test we are given. There is no perfection here on earth, nor is perfection an expectation. The expectation is that we study, learn, do our best, try and try harder, listen to our voices of introspection, strip our motives of their veneer of falsity, and accept that life on earth will never be perfect. I have been tested in many ways in my past, and I will admit that sometimes through my own stupidity or lack of Him, I created my own tests too.

    You will be fine. Cut off contact with all situations that make you ill in your heart. Ressurect your ability to pray, leave that which makes you unhappy, embrace the intelligence Allah (swt) bestowed upon you, and in the wise words of my very Catholic grandmother, whom I miss dearly "Sometimes you just have to kiss your problems up to God, and ask him to help you."

    Peace

    • Mashallah i hope this helps the sister to have the encouragement/strength to leave this man and realise she don’t need to be with a man who also fights or anyone who is in a relationship that all they do is fight this is not healthy. My strong advice to you is cut all contact with this guy, change your number and emails end off. The bit where you did do it but then contact him again you shouldn’t have then you involved the police, sister once you make a decision please stick to it don’t keep having him arrested this isn’t fair either especially when you made contact. I want to you seriously think about the advise people give you here, please save yourself the heartache do not thin you are alone in this, there are far worse people on the planet, have patience and have the strength to leave this man and move on, YOU DON’T NEED HIM turn to allah end off.

      • Sister samina have u not read her previous post??? Both of the sisters post she is saying she keeps geting back in contact with him!!! She clearly told us how she slowly step by step she comitted different level of zinaa! So the advice people giving to change her number and merely stop vontacting IS NOT HELPING THE SISTER!

        cant anyone read properly here

        • @muslimgirl I did read both her previous and current post this is not something that will get her out easily maybe she needs more time, more comfort, more reassurance, she is not alone. This isn't easy situation to be in and I wouldn't recommend marriage, she needs time out to heal, take control of her emotions with the help of Allah she also needs guidance. Maybe even reading posts from other people who have faced similar situations may help her deal with this and finally stop and take control of her life.

          The level of harsh language or being judgmental I do not agree with though I see both sides of the situation, people on this website should help people not disrespect each other. @muslimgirl and Lydia should offer kindness advise to sister k who should be the concern here not point scoring so please as sister to sisters in Islam have and show respect to each other.

          • Also this is a website offering people guidance and advise not ear bashing i don't think it is my right when someone is here for advise or guidance to be harsh or judgmental I believe as a Muslim to help someone regardless what they are like or done people deserve respect something that is lacking so much in today's society.

  4. MashaAllah Sister Lydia,

    MashaAllah. Great input. JazakaAllah. I pray that Sister-K finds a bit of solace through realizing that there are others who have been through the same and have come out pure Al7amoulillah by the grace of Allah SWT.

  5. @lydia
    you have given a comforting advice, mashaAllah. Its been long i posted a comment here, but i frequently visit this site and read peoples posts/comments. And whenever i see the user name 'lydia', i open and read the content of the post.
    I could remember, some months ago, you said you are struggling to find Allah (to be a muslim)... you always give good advice using islamic terminologies , and from islamic perspectives.. And from your comment above, you made a good remark on the holy koran, this is so great sister.. I just wanted to ask, have you finally made the decision of embracing islam?? Have you concluded on submitting to the wills of the one true God (we call him Allah in arabic)??

    • @Mohd,
      Thank you for your kind words. I continue along my path of learning and my journey to find Allah. I am very much enjoying what I learn, but there is so much I do not yet fully understand! Yet, I realize I'm not supposed to understand it all either, which can be confusing:) I have reached the conclusion that I will revert, it is only the "how" that is the question now. Thank you for asking.

      • @lydia,
        pls am very sorry for the late reply... Am so happy to here about your conclusion to revert to islam...
        There is no much process involved in reverting, There is no ceremonial activities involved. All you need to do is to go to the mosque that is close to you and tell them you wish to convert to islam. The imam would say the shahada and would tell you to repeat after him .

        For you saying the shahada, you affirm, testify and acknowledge that there is no deity worthy of worship except the one true God/Allah, and that muhammad is the slave and prophet/massanger of God Almighty.. This means that you have to beleive and take the koran (which is the message of God to mankind) as your source of guidance... For truly, the koran is a book whereof there is no doubt, a guidance to those who have faith in Allah with certainty...
        You also have to take the prophet muhammad as your role model.
        After proclaiming the shahada {testimony of faith}, then the first obligation ordained to you by your creator is to offer the five daily compulsory salat prayers.. After assimilating this, then the next obligation is to give the zakat {alms given when your income reaches the nisab level}, and then to fast during the month of ramadan, and then to perform hajj (pilgrimage to mecca) when you have the means to do so.

        Then you try as much as you can to avoid all the harams that Allah has forbidden for you., and also try as much as you can to perform all the righteous good deeds that Allah has ordained for you..

        If you follow this steps sister, then Allah has promised heavenly paradise for those who do righteous good deeds whilst they are beleivers in Allah (ie they are muslims).

        "AND GIVE GLAD TIDINGS TO THOSE WHO BELEIVE (in islam) AND DO RIGHTEOUS GOOD DEEDS, THAT FOR THEM WILL BE GARDENS UNDER WHICH RIVERS FLOW (PARADISE)..." Koran2:25
        read chapter 55 and chapter 56 of the holy koran..

        May God give you the strenght to officially declare that you have revert to islam today sister.. Because we dont have time to waste. We dont know when death will come..

        InshaAllah your reply to me would be "hey! Am now a muslim and alhamdulillah" hahaha!

  6. @muslimgirl.
    Your advice is soo excellent mashaAllah. The only option for this lady in question to get married asap... That would give her the chance to satisfy her desires lawfully, in the halal way..

    But as the other sisters pointed out, the issue of introspection is a good choice for the sister at the very present time.. The sister has to figure out her problems sequentially and try to solve them. lest, the effect of her problems is gonna affect her marital life (with her husband) . And more often, such marriage do not last long because of the rifts here and there..
    So my advice to the sister is, whilst marriage is her only option, she should calm down and try to figure out her problems.. Then she should make sincere tauba (sincere repentance to Allah), and she should vow never to go back to such filthy sin again..
    Then she should follow up with righteous good deeds and perform her five compulsory prayers, and never give in to satan again..

    Then what follows up next is to begin searching for a good and pious spouse.. Inform your parents, relatives and good friends. They could help you in your search.. Also visit some islamic matrimonial sites. May Allah guide us all.

    • I would first and foremost like to apologize to muslimgirl for my harshness toward her Islamically sound advice. Her advice is correct, but because of my experiential bias, I have a tendency (read:weakness in my nature) to lash out in a self-righteous nature. That is a weakness in myself that I constantly work upon. Obviously, I need to work harder alas. Upon reflection of my statement to muslimgirl, I am both sorry and embarassed for my obvious lack of good manners. I hope she can forgive me.

      • I accept your apology. Forgive me too sister lydia. May Allah swt give us more patience and forgive our sins big or small..ameen

  7. Salaams A'alikoum Sisters and Brothers,

    I first like to thank each one of you for all your responses. It has brought such a sign of relief and I know that I am not alone in any of this. Whether the words said were harsh or straightforward I accept them wholeheartedly.

    I just want to let you know that past few weeks has been terrible for me. I like to give u a run down of what has happened. Like Muslimgirl had mentioned going on chat I could end up meeting someone and this exactly happened. I met a brother online and when we met we didnt do anything bad but within a few days he became a very close friend. Let's call the married brother, Brother A, and this new brother, Brother B. I wanted to end this immediately with Brother B, as I knew where it was heading, however later on as we became close within a week, I expressed what i was going through, and I explained everything to him n how I had ended up on chat. He was a very understanding brother n absolutely agreed the mistake i had done with the previous brother. Although he was very angry but he understood me. He said that he wanted to change me n then marry me. I believed it could happen becuz he is from the same country as I am n same culture, however he doesnt have permanent residence (PR) in this current country. So that would be the only thing that my family wont agree or let me marry this brother B. However I expressed that at the moment I dont need anyone, I just need time to heal. Again it was a step by step thing, n each step went closer between us (between brother B n me). I regret this alot because i dont knw what had come over me. The problem got worse wen i felt so much regret n guilt that I told Brother A what I had done with Brother B. He (brother A) was absolutely fumed and for a few days he was constantly calling n messaging in anger and den I was constantly talking to both brothers n both brothers knew what was happening. I just hated this, as I was going back n forth between them. But Brother B made me really understand what wrong I was doing. He even wanted to end this relationship between us, but I said i dont have anything with Brother A anymore. Anyways after ignoring Brother A, just as Brother B mentioned, everything was calmed down. I let go of Brother A, as i knew it could never work out between us. However brother B n i got slowly physical..This was the biggest mistake I made, we didnt have sex or didnt do oral but we were just intimate. I knw each one of you are now looking down at me n u have the right to say and feel that way. I too feel disgusted n ashamed.

    However I learnt the biggest lesson of my life a few days ago when I was picking my sister up from uni late at night, and then within a few seconds I lost control of the car n ended up with a severe car crash where I sustained both head and neck injury. Everything happened so quick that it was a shock for me. The ambulance and fire truck came n my family came, I just kept crying cause I knew why it had all happened. The car was towed away n I was taken to the hospital n treated for minor trauma however I have an infection which needs to be also treated. Alhumdulilah it wasn’t that worse, n even the ambulance were saying how lucky I was to survive without any serious damage. Although my head hit the steering wheel and the window very hard, and I sustained a wound, it wasn’t that bad alhumdulilah. After reporting to the police n coming home 3 in the morning, I really reflected on my life n actions I had done. After this accident i immeditaly messaged both brothers what happened n was committed to stopping these actions. I regretted everything I had done. Although I had ceased contact with both brothers, Brother B was not letting go, even after ignoring, he kept saying he just wanted to knw how I was doing. Anways I spoke really firmly with him n told him that I have learnt a lot from this accident. He was very happy that I had changed n we decided to not have contacts like this n leave everything to Allah. This may sound really stupid but I will be clear with u all, this brother B n I just met for the last time as he wanted to see how everything was with me, although I agreed that this would b last n we wouldn’t do anything like hugging or kissing anymore but when we met n when we were alone It happened again. I just don’t knw what happened between us. I feel even more worse because I had the accident, n I don’t want to continue on this path. I send messages of regret to brother A, but he doesn’t talk to me anymore n has blocked all my calls n ignores me. I am left with Brother B, but I just don’t trust any guy now. It is really hard. I am determined to absolutely end it with Brother B as well.

    My life has changed since the accident, I am ending the contact with the current brother n I pray that Allah swt gives me the willpower to be strong. I have changed my way of life, I have started to pray again, I have began to read quran daily n I have cut contacts with other haram things but just the past n the current present is haunting me. I cant get rid of the images of the crash n how close I may have been to death. It scares me a lot n now I don’t want any man or any relationship. I want to first build my relationship with Allah swt. Make it strong n healthy n then pray for guidance. I only want someone who will bring me closer to Allah swt. I have done a lot wrong n I guess I deserve a lot of punishment.

    Inshallah I pray that Allah swt protects us all n forgives us for all the sins we have committed. Please keep me in your prayers. I haven’t gone to work, so I am still recovering. I am happy that today I saw my post n the replies to it. I also read the quran today n this verse stood out while reading the chapter of Nur (The Light) which I was on “O you who believe! Do not follow the footsteps of the Shaitan: and whoever follows the footsteps of the Shaitain, then surely he bids doing indecency and evil; and were it not for Allah’s grace upon you and His mercy, not one of you would have ever been pure, but Allah purifies whom He pleases, and Allah is Hearing, Knowing”. (18:21). This verse just made me reflect so much on what I have done with my life n about the comments that u had all given. I appreciate your help n I pray sincerely pray that Allah swt keeps us on the right path till the day we die n leave this world. Ameen.

    Sorry about the long post, but I suppose it’s going to be a more tough time which I need to learn to be strong n steadfast. Jazakoumallahu Khair.

    From your sister in Islam,
    Sister K

    • Sister K,

      Sorry to hear about your terrible accident. I pray that you get better.

      I dont know what else I can say. I am starting to agree with muslimgirl's blunt advice. You do need to wake up.

  8. Sister K,

    Do you know what poppets are? Do you understand the dangers associated with poppetry? Are you aware of the law of threefold? Reading your last post, I am rather dismayed. You don't seem to "get" what those here are saying about repentance or introspection, instead, the entire second paragraph of your last post was full of "look what I can do!" in regards to stringing men along with your desires as if they were nothing but poppets, fashioned from wax to do your bidding. No, you didn't fashion poppets out of wax, but instead you fashioned them via the internet. You are playing a dangerous game, a game of which you cannot win. What you manifest with malicious/wanton intent will be returned to you 3 times. Your car accident is but your first trial. I encourage you to continue upon your path with Allah(swt), fast, pray, and fast some more. HE will protect you so long as you desire to protect yourself. I will pray for you.

  9. Salaams Lydia and Muslimgirl,

    First of all Muslimgirl, I swear by Allah swt that I am not playing a prank, and what i had stated on my previous post was the truth and the reality before I had the accident. Only Allah swt knows the situation I am currently in.
    In regards to Lydia, I am not doing what is called Poppetry, what ever that is called. Nor did I have the intention of saying I am playing a game or showing what I can do to men. Astaghfurllah. Unfortunately you have both misunderstood me. The point of writing the last post was to show what had happened and what I am doing to change now. I am rather dismayed by your words.
    Muslimgirl why would i need to play a prank like this, I have a life and I am asking an advice to become better. If you have no advice, I am not asking for your judgement. Allah swt is the One who is the just.
    I am going to act on the advice that was given but I would highly appreciate if you keep your harsh words to yourself, especially if you don't believe what has happened to me, that is your problem. I am very hurt to see such sisters who shows no understanding but thinks that this is all a prank. I am not here to prove anything. I have made a mistake and inshallah I am repenting and working towards improving myself. Please be careful of words that you say to others whether they are direct or indirect. Thank you.

  10. Salaam sister k.

    I have already given you my advice. From an islamic perspective i do believe that in order to make your relationship halaal you should seek to get married asap. Many imams/scholars will say the same thing.

    Sister k forgive me if i hurt you in any way. I thought it may be sombody just having a laugh and wasting peoples time here. my initial reaction was shock and disbelief when i read ur earlier post when u said you met brother B on the internet and got close to him physically and also let go of married brother A just like that all within a week.

    May Allah swt forgive you (and us ) and give you peace in your heart and mind. May you also find a good pious husband. Ameen.

    Sister k turn to Allah and do sincere tauba. Do your 5 daily prayers and read the quraan with translation. Do not contact brother A or B. Infact dont go online at all and DO NOT MEET MEN ALONE even if its for the last time. Go to your local mosque or get involved in islamic circles/groups. Keep yourself busy. When you feel weak and find yourself slipping and think you will contact those guys then stop and read all your posts on this site and remind yourself and fear Allah swt.

  11. Sister K,
    Please forgive me but I am wholly confused now. When but a day ago you posted there was just one brother with which you had concerns about. Now a day later, and "a past few weeks" (per your post), there is a married brother A, a brother B, much internet yada yada between the three of you, a car accident, a near death experience, and a turn about by you back to Allah. This all happened in a day since you posted your problem? If not, and this all went down weeks ago, and you turned back to Allah(swt) then, then I fail to understand the consernation in your post a day ago. If you already returned to Allah(swt) why the need for a post leading all to think otherwise?

    I'll not speak for muslimgirl, but the rapidity with which your story accelerates, lends a bit of confusion. I do not think either I nor muslimgirl, nor any responder here has been overly harsh with you. In fact, I would say that more animosity has passed between muslimgirl and I, and you have been treated quite kindly. Forgive me my doubt, and I fervently pray for your continued relationship with Allah(swt). May your future be peaceful.

  12. Salaams Sisters,

    Thank you so much for your advice. I apologise for the misunderstanding, but just to clarify some issues, unfortunately this post was done on September 13, 2012 and it was only just a few days ago that it was actually published on October 6, 2012. So you can tell how long I have been waiting and how much time has lapsed. I have been waiting for weeks to see this post go up but there was a delay and it was not until today that I saw my post published with mashallah lots of great advices. That's why, while I was waiting for some advice within these two weeks this new incident happened with the online meeting and with Brother B. And then just a few days ago I got into a severe car accident which is why I didnt come here to check if my post has been published. Hope that clarifies it all.
    Alhumdulilah I am feeling much better now. I have ceased all contacts with both brothers and from today i am turning my life around. I appreciate everyone's advice. Just today i even got myself enrolled in an Islamic course, so that I am kept busy and will start attending Islamic lectures as well inshallah. I believe it is enough that I have let the Shaitain play tricks with me n with my heart. Inshallah i pray that i become stronger n more closer to Allah swt.
    I pray that Allah swt guides us all to the right path and forgives us all for the sins we have committed. May Allah swt bless this fantastic site and all the may people who come here and help others. You are all doing a wonderful job and making such a positive difference. There is not enough words to thank u all.

    Salaams to all,
    Sister K

    • Sister K well done for you, i hope that you do well in your Islamic course this will help you a lot even to get a better understanding of the islamic point of view and you do need guidance this is what you are lacking in your life. Sister i believe everything happens for a reason and i believe now you realised everything happen to you had happen for the better from allah. Please do not ever turn away from allah rebuild yourself and inshallah things will get better. I seriously wish you the best for the future.

  13. well done sisterK , so proud of you.

  14. Sister I read your story, I have been where you have been trust me we make mistakes when we are young we are stupid, we need to learn to forgive ourselves and for the ppl who ruin your life trust me we all pay for our sins ... If you make an intention to never repeat the same mistake again and Insh'Allah Allah will forgive you, but you need to let go of the guilt and stay away from this guy, the all claim that they will marry you when crunch times comes they don't want too. To be honest a certain percentage of Muslim Men don't care that they are ruining a Muslim woman's life and they don't care. Like you I have betrayed my loved ones. I can;t change the past but I can change the future. I know,knowing the truth no man will marry me, that no longer bothers me, because Allah has made me strong people tried to knock me down and I am on the right track now and re-building my relationship with Allah I went on the wrong path, started to love someone more than myself, someone who didnt deserve me, trust me when you are alone Allah is there, Allah was always there, we have a seal on our hearts and eyes we see it then we don't. I guess me and you are not the only girls I see it every day and when you try explaining to these girls all these guys want is your body they don't believe you. Because a true man wouldn't play hide and seek he would ask your hand directly. I learnt the hard way but am glad after losing everything and being damaged I am returning back on the correct path. and am sure you will never lose faith and ISLAM has the answer to everything trust me on that, speaking from experience

  15. Assalam Alaikum

    Dear sister K, I read your posts under this topic and the previous one too. I regret that I found this post a bit too late and am not really sure if I can help you anymore but I will try.

    First of, kindly do not feel depressed, humans make mistakes and none of us are free from this attributes and we shall keep making mistakes until the time of our death. However, what needs to be noted is that the best of the humans are those who do Tauba from their bad deeds and return back to Allah.

    Dear sister, I shall not bother you with a long list of do's and don'ts as you indeed are going through severe stress already. However here are some basic steps which were helpful in my personal experience:

    1) Avoiding Khilwah: Khilwah means being alone with a mature person of opposite sex who is not your Mehram. There is a famous hadith which says when two non Mehrams meet in Khilwah, the third among them is Shaitaan! so its quite clear that no matter how strong we personally may be, if we walk into Shaitaan's trap, we cannot hope for getting out unharm 🙂 Khilwah can happen in any place, be it in car, at home, at office, at a cafe, back alley, even a park when people aren't around, and even chat rooms online if you go to private chatting! please reconsider all your incidents and notice that they all started with being alone with non Mehram, be it at work, or at chat room.

    2) Get married ASAP!: Dear sister, you are in the most sensitive stage of your life. At this stage, the human body and human mind NEEDS a companion for satisfying sexual instinct and other social instincts which actually make us Human (humans are social beings. We are different from animals because we are intelligent and we socialize). Allah knows how he created us and what are our requirements and thats why Allah recommended Muslims to get married as soon as they reach puberty. There are numerous Ahadith on this matter. Marriage has been declared in Islam as protecting oneself through fortification.

    If I understood right, what happens in your case after Khilwah is that Shaitaan provokes you and the other guy through the unsatisfied sexual instinct. If you are married and satisfied already, it is like being fortified against such provocative attacks from Shaitaan. It is such a powerful protection that shaitaan puts his utmost effort on breaking it because a non married person is open to all kinds of provocations and is eventually going to fall from some trap somewhere.

    This is why Shaitaan even tries to make marriage look VERY hard. I have seen and heard people saying that marriage doesn't seem possible in their cases. But trust me because I have gone through it that it is so easy to get married if you ask Allah for help. I don't want to make this post lengthy but I would like to inform you how I got married:

    During my university days I was living alone in a foreign country and going through what you are experiencing. One day I was at the verge of doing Zina finally. The time and place was set and then Allah blessed me and stopped me. I prayed nafil after that and asked Allah to get me a worthy wife. I wasn't even looking for a wife back then and didn't even knew how would I get married as my family was not there. So I forgot about it all. But very next month, a friend of mine called me. He had been married about 6 months ago. He told me that his in-laws were looking for a worthy husband for his sister-in-law and that he want me to meet them. He said infact he had already informed them about me and agreed to arrange a meeting without even asking me 🙂 I was surprised but agreed. So I took some of my relatives and went to meet them. In the first sitting both me and my would-be wife liked what we saw and agreed in front of her parents and my relatives. So, I went back and informed my parents, they were surprised and a bit angry too that how could I take decision without them being here. So I told them that the decision was taken infront of other relatives and it cannot be changed now so its upto them to decide if they want to come here to endorse it or should I proceed to wedding without them. Long story short, they came the very next week and I got married the week after! (and they said after words that I made a good choice 😉 )

    So, here I was a month before getting married, about to do Zina and with no hopes of getting married, then I prayed to Allah and true to his words, he answered my call and got me married to a wonderful wife just after a month!

    Sister K, in your case, I would advise you to take a firm stance for marriage in front of your family. Either ask them to find a worthy brother for you, or you could ask your friends and relatives or even pick a worthy brother your self (but do not talk or meet him in Khilwah, meet him with your friends and relatives with a clear purpose of getting married). And pray to Allah to help you get married asap.

    3) Stay away from insincere people: A person who isn't sincere to his first wife or even to his creator, cannot be sincere to you. Never commit any relationship with this kind of person!

    4) Remember Allah: The only weapon you have against Shaitaan and his entourage is Allah's mercy and protection. So remember Allah as much as you can, pray nawafil and stay in wadhu as much as possible. Also, for social interactions, you can join some Islamic learning circles for women and gather up with sisters over there. environment has a huge impact on a human's thought and action.

    Lastly, feel free to contact us from this forum. May Allah help us in guiding you and may Allah help you against Shaitaan and his provocations.

    Regards,
    Abdullah

    • PS: I want you to know that I do not look down at you because of what you wrote. Infact, in your story, I actually saw an impression of my own past and some what of my own elder sister's past. I regret that I could not help her at that time when she was going through it as I was in my teens back then and did not have answers for her. She actually ended up taking anti- depression drugs which made her life more difficult until she finally got married.

      Please sister K, DO NOT take any medication because there is no cure for depression from medication. The medications merely control the hormones being discharged because of mental stress and it does not remove the cause of stress. Some medicines even cause a temporary release of stress through seductive but it still doesn't help because the cause for stress is still there and then there are long lists of side effects of these medications too. I helplessly watched my elder sister going through all of this until she finally decided simply NOT to take any more medication!

      Also, I would like to point this to other brothers and sisters too, Kindly avoid Khilwah and get married ASAP. Also, DO NOT delay marriage of your children when they reach puberty. There is a hadith which says if a mature person commits Zina, his parents bear equal sin for not getting him/her married!

      • Reading both your posts was very informative. I also found a lot of peace from it. JazakAllah.

        • I seek Allah's pleasure and am glad that it helped you. May Allah bless you with peace and mercy. Jazak Allah Khair too.

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