I am the second wife but my husband ignores me. I am devastated! pliz advice
If the husband is absent, does the marriage have any benefit?
Question:
Assalam Alleikum. I. am a 24 yr old married as a 2nd wife with 2 kids. My husband apparently is so scared of his first wife. & denies me my equal marriage rights. It has been more than 3 years ever since we got married and he hasn't even begun to share the days or nights, and the first wife knows that he is married to me.
He comes to me secretly lying to his first wife that he is at work and only sleeps with me then leaves immediately after he is satisfied. Sometimes i hardly see him for even weeks and it really tears me apart.I have tried talking to him a million times telling him how much it is affecting me with my kids but he never seems to bother so communication with him so far has failed. I have even threatened him several times telling him. what he is doing to me n the kids is haram, still he doesnt care. And the first wife knows perfectly well that he got married to me but she. is against him sharing the days and my husband is stuck to her decision.
I am so frustrated . and depressed beyond words could explain! What should I do now that communication with him has failed? Should I seek divorce? I would love to see my kids grow with their father but what if its never going to happen? What do i have to do? Am so confused and would like an expert advice because my marriage is deteriorating. Please advice!
Wael's Answer:
Dear Sister, As-salamu alaykum wa Rahmatullah,
He is simply using you for sex. He is devoid of any Islamic character or human compassion. As long as you continue to sleep with him when he comes around, why should he care about your complaints and anguish? You are giving him what he wants.
The thing I don't understand is why you have remained in this miserable non-marriag for so long. Does he support you and the children financially? Are you dependent on his support? In that case you are in a difficult position. I would advise you to try to find work or some way to support yourself, so that you can get out of this situation. Or perhaps you can move back with your family.
If you are not dependent on him financially, then my advice is to divorce him. This so-called marriage is going nowhere and is giving you nothing but heartbreak. He has made it clear that he does not care about your feelings and does not intend to change.
And Allah knows best.
If any readers have some additional advice for this questioner, I invite you to post your comments below.
(O Allah), Guide us to the straight path; The path of those whom you have favored; Not those with whom you are angry; Nor those who go astray.
Best regards,
- Wael Abdelgawad
IslamicAnswers.com Marriage Advice
Zawaj.com Muslim Matrimonial Service
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Salam sister,
Wael is right.This is no marriage.He is not likely to become a responsible husband or a good father to his children.You should seek to end it.
May Allah guide you.He knows best.
maybe had you secured the first wifes permission(not that it is required)to this marriage things would have been different:) hope you happy though, even at the cost of the first wifes mental stability
As Salaamu Alaikum, Sister
I know it's an extremely difficult situation for you, as you love this man deeply, which must be one of the reasons you stay. I know it can't be easy to tell him not to come back over, understandably you want him to see his children, as well. There are probably so many reasons you haven't ended the marriage, reasons such as fear, insecurity about being alone (although you already are alone a lot), fear of not finding someone else to marry - a whole host of reasons.
I'd suggest you just do a whole lot of praying. Stay down there long and pray, plead and beg Allah. Make much duah, read Quran during Fajr, ask Allah for help and guidance. Ask Allah to make your marriage better or remove you from it. Plead with Allah and ask him to remove the love in your heart for this man and send you a better husband. I think before Allah removes that love; however, you must sincerely want to love this man no longer. Remember Allah will not change a person's condition until he changes what is in his heart. You must sincerely want to put your life in Allah's hands. Insha Allah, Allah will remove the love entirely from your heart for this man and allow you to move on, or will change the way this man, your husband, has been treating you. I pray Allah gives you the answer.
Exactly what I think (Umm Sundus)
Dual marriage is very difficult. I think all parties should really thing clearly about what it is they are getting into and not just think with feels and lust. There has to be a sense of building and not a secret type of dishonest relationship. Not many people can do this correctly. You need to pray over this and in my opinion, I don't see a future for you with this man. May Allah guide you.
Salam sis