I broke up, but I still feel responsible for teaching her about Islam
Salam Aleykoum,
It is the first time I'm posting on a forum to talk about my personal life. Recently, I had a lot of interest about this site because I read a lot of "experiences" from a lot of people around the world. That's precisely why I'm posting here and not another website. I think that because most of the people here are muslims from around the world and understand the concept of "culture shock", you will be able to "understand" better my story and what I'm talking about.
First, I want to apologize about my english. I'm French and I actually learned english in Japan when I was talking with friends there.
I will try to be short on my story and just focus on what the problem is.
I'm a 22 year old French man from a christian family who does not really practice religion. I converted myself to Islam 4 years ago, and since then I really have been practicing Islam everywhere, doing all of the obligations (and more), and I have learned a lot about big and small knowledges. I feel really good in Islam and I will keep it forever if God wants.
I am so precise that I'm against culture and religion mixing. I do not mix religion and cultural stuff. I'm taking all of what I'm doing from Quran and sunnah.
Here is my story:
I was a virgin until I was 21 years old.
I was not finding a "good potential wife" in France (I'm talking about behavior) and I had- since I was 6 years old- let's call it "a dream" to marry to an asian woman later. So I went to Japan to get a wife, because let's be honest -I was really pressured because of my sexually high desires...and I knew that if I stayed in France that pressure, time and girls would have 'eaten me' some day.
You've got to know that in Japan, it is really easy to get a girlfriend for foreigners; but I all declined the girls until I found a really nice one there. At the beginning we met only in a Coffee shop, to do some Culture-Language exchanges, then after 4 months of meeting and talking everyday in the same coffee shop we became "more intimate", but without kissing or anything sexual.
Until one day I invited her to travel with me in Korea. And there I asked her to become my girfriend and to marry with me later. She agreed. Then I just lost my brain. I was so surprised that I was almost not controling myself. But she refused me all the time. I thought and I am still thinking that she had nice basic principles because she always refused me.
Then after 2 weeks I came back to France, and returned to japan after 4 months with the goal: Do not have sex with her, explain to her what is religion. It was my objective. But, I had sex with her (note: It is really amazing how my way of thinking changed when I was next to her, it's like I was forgetting every important thing to me. You have to know that, I'm someone who does not fail on my engagement, especially religious ones).
So after that for a year, I was thinking that because of my good behavior (I was always just with her and had a good behavior) she probably got interested about my religion but she didn't...until one day she told me: "I worry about you because you are too much attached to you religion". So we had an open talk on religious stuff for 4 months, and I discovered that she was "brain washed" because Japanese school, society, and families don't tend toward religious things. I was for her the one who was brain washed. So after months I broke up, she was sad and me too. I told her that everything was my fault because I should have explained to her in details my way of thinking at the beginning. But I couldn't stay in that case with her because I really think that I was decreasing on the religion side: I mean, not praying on time (or not praying at all), no dua, not so much religious thought. Actually, as the Quran says, I was losing my religion because of our haram relationship.
So now you know the context, and I can ask you my question:
-My opinion: Religious love (to God) and partnership love are not the same. But Hallal partnership love and non Hallal love are one in the same. We are talking about humans relations. Everyone is able to believe because it is our duty. God made us all to venerate Him and to believe, that is something we have -all of us- (Humans) inside our mind. Now we have the chooice to believe or not.
Most of the Japanese do not think about religions stuff, it is something not important in the world for them. They don't know that some people really are attached to their religious beliefs.
#1 - I really think that because I broke up because my beliefs while it was killing us changed something in her mind. Now she knows that some people are ready to give up everything because their religion. I think that, If Allah wants, some day she can ask to herself: "why?", and become muslim or at least believer (To believe that God does exist ). What do you think about this? ( I do think that it can happen even if we never see or contact each other, because i do think that everything can happen in life for anyone if God will).
#2 - Actually I broke up 5 months ago and I still cannot heal myself enough. I know that I will find a better wife later because believers are better for believers than non-believers, but I just want to have some experiences and comments about "love". Can a man love two times? I feel like I can be with someone else and be nice and just, but all my love feelings are directed to "my first love". I feel like I will never love another woman in the same way I did with her.
#3 - She contacted me few days ago by messages. I didn't want to talk with her, because it hurts, but I did and I was clear that our relation was finished and no more will happen between us. Some friends told me to cut the contact with her but I am still thinking about it. I'm the only muslim person she knows, I'm the only religious influence she has. I can't just let her alone like nothing happened. It is my duty to heal my mistake and at least be "the one who believe" in her social circle.
I do not ask if what I did is hallal or not but, I am asking you, you believers from around the world, your opinion on my story.
Thanks a lot for your answer.
May God help us.
Salam
Silver99
AsSalaamu Alaikum Brother,
I can see that your question has been posted twice; perhaps you still haven't got the answers you wanted. But I will try to say something here again, but Allah knows best what you really want. May He help you!!!
Question:
#1 - I really think that because I broke up because my beliefs while it was killing us changed something in her mind. Now she knows that some people are ready to give up everything because their religion. I think that, If Allah wants, some day she can ask to herself: "why?", and become Muslim or at least believer (To believe that God does exist). What do you think about this? (I do think that it can happen even if we never see or contact each other, because I do think that everything can happen in life for anyone if God will).
Answer:
Actually I don't see the story as something enough to make her think about religion someday. To me it will look to her like someone misused her and then betrayed her eventually in the name of his religion. The only thing that could have assisted her is if you controlled yourself and never had Zina with her, and then you explained to her that your religion does not allow you to do so before marriage and that it was for the sake of respect for her dignity. This might have kept her thinking about what happened and about how you didn't do anything with her for the sake of respect for her own dignity. Of course she might have had or will have an experience with other men, but she will find her experience with you as something great and unique. This is what will make her want to learn the religion that made you different from other men.
However, this does not mean that, Allah will never guide her to Islam through something in the future. May Allah guide her!!!
Question:
#2 - Actually I broke up 5 months ago and I still cannot heal myself enough. I know that I will find a better wife later because believers are better for believers than non-believers, but I just want to have some experiences and comments about "love". Can a man love two times? I feel like I can be with someone else and be nice and just, but all my love feelings are directed to "my first love". I feel like I will never love another woman in the same way I did with her.
Answer:
The fact is that, every love for something in itself other than Allah is not a true love and it's even considered partnership with Allah. So in order to make your love for something a true love without partnership with Allah, your love for that thing must be for the sake of Allah. And loving for the sake of Allah has its conditions; it must be by fulfilling the rules of Allah and not crossing His limitations. Therefore, if you found yourself having loved someone and you crossed the limitations of Allah at the same time in that love, then consider yourself as someone who never loved before, because that love has no existence at all in the sight of Allah. What you are feeling now is a kind of sickness that can be cured, if you cut your relationship with the women, and you kept the rules of Islam. Therefore, after repenting you can now pray and wait for the true and real love. May Allah cue you!!!
Question:
#3 - She contacted me few days ago by messages. I didn't want to talk with her, because it hurts, but I did and I was clear that our relation was finished and no more will happen between us. Some friends told me to cut the contact with her but I am still thinking about it. I'm the only Muslim person she knows, I'm the only religious influence she has. I can't just let her alone like nothing happened. It is my duty to heal my mistake and at least be "the one who believe" in her social circle.
Answer:
If you really want to stay away from Chaytaan's temptations, then its better you cut your contacts with this woman. If you feel guilty and you want to correct your mistakes, and also feel like it's your duty to help her become a Muslim, you can do so by keeping the rules of Islam and showing real character of Islam, in doing so you may explain to her why you can't talk to her nor meet her anymore, and you may then direct her to authentic Islamic websites for her to learn more about Islam. Let her know you did the wrong thing by disrespecting her dignity when you did Zina with her without marriage, and that you have repented now. You may edge her to find Islam and learn how it protects women's rights and respects woman's dignity. May Allah guide both of you!!!
Hope this helps Insha'Allah
Whoops, I didn't notice that it was posted twice. This post is now closed.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor