I broke up with her to save my faith, what is your opinion?
Salam Aleykoum,
First, I was really surprised that someone corrected my post. All my gratitudes to Sara who corrected my story.
Overlooking the Mediterranean, Capri, Italy
It is the first time i'm posting on a forum to talk about my personnal life. Recently, i had a lot of interest about this site because i read a lot of "experiences" from a lot of peoples around the world. That's precisely why i'm posting here and not an other website. I thinking that because you are for the most of people here, muslim believer from around the world and understand the concept of "culture shock", you will be able to "understand" better my story and what i'm talking about.
First, i want to apologize about my english. I'm French and i actually learned english in Japan when i was talking with friends there.
I will try to do short on my story and just focus on what was the problem of.
I'm 22 french man, from a christian family who do not really practice their religion.
I converted myself to Islam 4 years ago, since it i really practicing Islam everywhere, doing alls of obligations ( and more ) and learned a lot about big and smalls knowledges. I feel really good in Islam and i will keep it forever if God wills.
I've to be precise that, i'm against culture-religion mixing. I do not mix religion and culture stuffs. I'm taking all of what I'm doing from Koran and Sunnah.
There is my story:
I've been virgin until my 21 years old.
I was not finding a "good potential wife" in France ( i'm talking about behavior ) and i had since my 6 years old, let's call "a dream" to marry to an asian woman later. So I went to Japan to get a wife, because let's be honest i was really pressured cause my sexuals high desires... and i knew that if i was stayed in France because pressure, time and girls, they would have 'eaten me' some day.
You've to know that, in Japan, it is really easy to get a girlfriend for foreigners... But i've all declined the girls until i found a really nice one there. At the beginning we met only on Coffee shop, to do some Culture-Language exchanges, then after 4 months in meeting and talking everyday in the same coffee shop we became "more intimate", but without kissing or anything sexual.
Until one day i invited her to travel with me in Korea. And there i ask her to become my girfriend and to marry with me later. She agreed. Then i just loose my brain. I was so surprised that, i was almost not controling myself. But she refused me all the time. I tought and still thinking that she was with nice basics principles because she always refused me. She actually does have good basics principles about life, children education, what is good or not...
Then after 2 weeks i came back in France and came back to japan after 4 months with the goal: Do not have sex with her and use a full muslim behavior, explain her what is religion, how practice it, what is the deep meaning of. It was my objectives. But, i had sex with her ( note: It is really amazing how my way of thinking changed when i was next to her, it's like i was forgetting every importants things to me. You have to know that, i'm someone who do not fail on my engagements, specialy religious ones ). So after that for a year, i was thinking that, because my good behavior ( I was always just with her and had a good behavior ) she probably got interest about my religion but she didn't until one day she told me: "I worry about you because you are too much attached to you religion".
So we had an open talk on religion stuffs for 4 months, and i discovered that she was "brain washed" because japanese school, society, family toward religious things. I was for her the one who was brain washed. So after months i broke up, she was sad and me too... I told her that everything was my fault because i should explain her in details my way of thinking at the beginning. My opinion is that i couldn't stay more in that case with her because i really think that i was decreasing in the religion side: I mean, not praying at time ( or not praying at all ), no doha, no so much religious thought. Actually as the Coran say, i was loosing my religion because of our haram relationship.
So now you're in the context, and i can ask you my question:
-My opinion: Religious love ( to God ) and partnership love are not the same. But Hallal partnership love and non Hallal one are the same. We are talking about humans relations. Everyone are able to believe because it is our duty. God, make us all to venerate Him and to believe, that is something we have all of us ( Humans ) inside our mind. Now we have the chooice to believe or not. I was before an deep atheist, i was against religion and God. I was trying to make people to disbelieve, i was even trying to my own parents and family. Everyone can change, we just need time and help.
Most of Japaneses do not think about religions stuffs, it is something not important in the world for them. They don't know that some people are really attached to their religious beliefs. It is for them a kind of "hobbies".
#1 - I really think that because i broke up with her because my beliefs while it was hurting me a lot, it changed something in her mind. Now, she know that some people are ready to give up everything because their religion. I think that, If Allah want, some day, she can ask to herself:"why?", and become muslim or at least believe that God exist. I'm not talking about us but only her and just get as a lot did and as i did belief.
#2 - Actually i broke up since 5 months and i can't still not heal myself enough. I know that i will find a better wife later because believers are better for believer than not believer but i just want to have some experiences comments about "love". Can a man love two times? I feel like, i can be with someone else and be nice, just, and do all my duty to my wife, but, i feel like i lost my love with "my first love". I feel like i will never love an other woman in the same way i did with her.
#3 - She contacted me few days ago by messages. I didn't want to talk with, because it's hurt but i answered, and i was again clear of that our relation was finished and no more will happen between us. Some friends told to cut the contact with her but think about it. I'm the only muslim person she know, i'm the only religious influence she have in her life. I can't just let her alone like nothing happened. Right?
I had opinion from, Atheist people, people who do not have religion but believe in God, Christian people,"casual muslim".
I do not ask if what i did is hallal or not because our foundations was haram, i know that i will have to pay my mistakes on this life and after, because my deeds, because i was the one who do know about Allah's rules and did not followed it...but, i asking you, you believers from around the world, your opinion on my story.
Thanks a lot for your answers.
May God help us.
Salam
Silver
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ASAK.
I really can't give you advise since i myself have gone through same thing. I am a born Muslim and practicing it well too. but since i live in India I have many encounters with non Muslims , at home at work at social gatherings.
My father is a male chauvinist and treats women like slaves(physically and mentally) , due to his behavior my mother was forced to leave with us in order to protect us from our father. She is a very Honorable woman in community , people swear by my mother's respect. and they disrespect my father equally. i know many muslim men who have tried to take advantage of my mother's single status but by the grace of god and with the support of my mother's family her dignity is intact till today .
I am informing about my father and these muslim men because seeing them like this i thought all Muslim men are same.And as a child i went on to make friends with hindu kids and relied on them all the time. Though i practice my religion with whole heart and faith .Recently i sort of liked a hindu Boy , he was respectable to me, never touched me never took me out alone. always talked about me respectably and even made me feel good about my family situation,
One fine day i realized this can't happen i cannot do this..... my familly(mother side ) and his family are very respected in the city .. any further relationship will ruin my faith and mother's pride.
we mutually broke up . i have pleaded for forgiveness to god and my mother .Somehow he thinks i ruined him and his life. But i had to do this to save my faith i was wrong, i was distracted and i wasted an entire year in this mess. i apologised to him as well . he hates me and has shouted on phone ..
I cut off communication with all my hindu friends...though i miss all my hindu friends, i know i should limit my interactions with them . it is very tough to stay at peace when you live in same city and you have same places to go to .
I was in depression for sometime . everything seemed upsetting to me but i found my solace in god in Quran and in prayers .
I can only ask for forgiveness from God almighty and keep my faith intact till i find some good straight forward muslim boy to settle down with.
About muslims where i live.
Since my mother was single parent she had to do all the work by herself. she maintained her dignity and pride . now it is my turn to do the same. for what i have seen every men in the community claimed to be good muslim yet always made a point to stare , never lowered the gaze. all this is repulsing.
Muslims in India especially in Gujarat are disrespectful towards women .Some time i feel girls who do not have to go out without a mehrm are so lucky .they dont have to fight the filthy gazes from muslim men. personally i felt non muslims treat us with more respect then muslim men.. which is sad but true. Its not that i wear skimpy clothes i wear respectably decent clothes i dont do fashion, yet men in our community think they can have a piece of any muslim girl who is single and is trying to earn bread and butter for the family.
My opinion
1# i don't think i can love again but i will accept my fate as it comes I am not hopeless i am very positive i will find someone who will treat me with respect the same way he did or more . i trust in power of prayers.
2# Muslims should be more trusting.More practical in practicing islam. follow real sunnah and not religion of convenience. I am thankful to god i did not overstep my mistake but there are young muslims in india who cannot trust another muslim , and they end up distracted.
3# Muslims should not have hypocritical approach towards life. a mistake is a mistake.
I ask for forgiveness if i offended anyone . my opinions are based on experience only.
May god help us all
Take care.
Asalam Alaikum,
To some extent I agree with Sr Sadiya about some of the muslim men. I myself am from India and being a non muslim previously know how badly people here think of muslim because of a handul of such prudes, but there are good men too like the one who I came across.
Going through a similar situation like yours but both the guy and me are muslim(i am a revert but he is a born muslim) but I don't know what kind of belief he follows where he has sinned himself so much but wants to leave me for my past sins without thinking about the consequences I as a new muslim in a hindu family will have to face in the society or even what Allah will say about this kind of injustice. But thats not my concern, I have Allah and my faith in Him to vouch for it. It is just sometimes hard to accept that the guy who guided me to this path is himself so astray, makes me want to help him but after all Allah guides whom He wills. So even I am on the path to save my faith and wanting to move on and have the same questions as you have above but here's my opinion
#1 You are exactly right to think this way that may be your behaviour may guide her. We can, as believers always hope that what we do will guide others too but irregardless of whether it does or not our deeds are never lost as Allah is always watching and it is He who will ultimately reward us for our efforts
#2 I am going through same thoughts though I give up in just a week away from him after trying so damn hard but seeing that its been 5 months and you haven't healed, it seems it might take more time but in sha Allah you will heal. Sounds funny to me while I right this as I myself feel emotionally bankrupt of romantic love exactly like you have mentioned,The question remains Can humans love twice? but after all a believer should never lose hope
#3 He wanted to leave me for my past and even I pitied how he is not as enlightened about forgiveness in Islam as I am and makes me want to stick for some more time, so wishfully thinking all we can do is put a lot of effort to help someone and guide them but remember in the end its all Allah's decree so just make dua sincerly for that person
Sometimes no matter how much good we want for someone they fail to see our sincere efforts and the reason behind our efforts, but at the end of the day these efforts are never lost as its between us and Allah.
Allah Hafiz
Salam Sadiya1010,
Thanks a lot for your answer, your story and your opinions.
As you already said in your post, muslim peoples have the duty to be right and just with other peoples.
I'am really sorry about your story and i hope it will work better in your future life.
Sadly a lot of muslim people are unfair, specially in a relationship with their wifes or husband. And that's a part of why a lot of non-muslim have a wrong image about Islam.
I'm not doing any judments on your story because i'am not you, i didn't live or living what's happened in your life; but i just want to ask you ( and others who want to join the post ) your opinion on your 3# point of your post:
Still on your story, you said that you cutt off the contact with your non-muslim friends but i want to ask you why?
I understand that of course if your friends are anti-islam or if your friends are men; but if not i don't understand why you cutt the contact with them.
I will talking from my experience and talk without feelings stuff: My family isn't practicing at all chrisitanity ( and i do think that they're unbelievers peoples ). But if i cutt off the contact with them because they're not believers they will only think that, Islam is rejecting peoples. But because their way of thinking they will not understand why.
As i said on my above post, i was an deep atheist before. I had a friend who was muslim and really practicing Islam. We had a lot of fun together and we sometimes discussed about religions stuffs. If he had reject me because i was atheist, i would not have the same approach on Islam and probably think that Islam is a wrong way to judge people. I, of course tried to push him out of Islam, but because he was discussing with me, because he was STRONG in his religion, i learnt and got interest about Islam and finally get converted with time.
I will take that example: Inside a muslim family; if the father order to his son to pray five times a day, even if it's the right way, for peoples who don't know and without any explanations about why we have to pray; what is Islam; what is the meaning to be muslim, the son will probably pray but when he will be adult, he will just think that it is "tradition" stuffs.
What i'm trying to say is everything are inside words. We ( muslim peoples ) have the duty to help others ( non-believers peoples) to understand what is Islam. When they will stop to see us as "closed minded" or as "terrorist" pleoples who just don't want to even discuss with non-believers, perhaps they will get interest about our religion Inchallah.
To be clear, i'm NOT saying that we should be friends with peoples who are ennemies of Islam ( because we should not ) but i'm saying that; If their is no discussion with non-muslim , they will just think that we are some bad peoples who are "separated from them" whithout any good reasons.
Waiting for yours answers,
Salam
Silver99
ASAK Silver,
i totally agree about explaining our point of view ... this is something i experienced
years ago as a kid i was asked why we what we do and i could not answer so i got back home and looked up in every book available ..asked my teacher ..discussed it in depth..
And by admission i have this problem that,
I always look at people as human (its a good thing)and this has led me to tagged as rebel in my community. it is only after i have been put through the hate from people whom i thought were as normal as i am i decided to back off... I still have many non Muslim friends ...
My cutting them off is for my detoxing myself .... it was hard but i finally found the peace..
I'm glad for you if you found peace in that case and hope that you will find what you're looking for soon.
Life is interesting, isn't it?...
AsSalaam Alaikum Brother,
Unfortunately you have confused this woman about Islam with your actions. As a western Muslim, I understand that it may be due to some confusion on your own part. If you are seeking companionship with a woman, marriage should be your clear and obvious intention, both within and with-out (no dating at all and no compromises to make yourself less strange and more "normal" by western standards). If you accept that this is your path and way to female companionship, then Allah has made things very simple and easy for us, so that we can eliminate the confusion and the hurt cultures outside of Islam have thrown into the mix of "love". If you haven't already, you should study the pure beauty and liberty that is courtship in Islam. You should also learn what is allowed, in general, in interactions between men and women, and know that these rules are based on our human nature.
If you try to help this woman by maintaining contact, you are doing wrong. It is not an issue of rejecting her because she is not a believer (if you had courted her properly and married her because she is permissible to you then you could have guided her). It is the issue of you assuming your role and responsibility as a Muslim man in the world. If you continue to avoid this responsibility in order to soothe the pain and guilt you feel you will only hurt yourself and the woman more, and you will be doing all this under the title of a Muslim man. Please stop. Please seek Allah's forgiveness for yourself and her, and please pray that she is guided by our Lord, Who truly has power over all things. That is the only correct thing I can see to do at this point.
Salaam,
your Sister
And yes. You will love again. Love between people is a gift from Allah. When you follow His guidelines your heart will be open to possibilities you never imagines, Insha'Allah
Salam Hana,
Thanks a lot for your answer.
You know, i did read your answer and it's hurt and vexed me. But it's mean that what you're saying is kind of true...
You're right, i did mistake with her. I know and understand that. But i'm assuming my role in that story because i broke up with her ( and explained her why in details even if she didn't understand 100% of my reason ).
You know when i'm saying that i keeping contact, it's mean that we just take new about each others one time a month by mail. I will definitely not go back with her or make any contact/ sexual comments. I understanding that i'm the only muslim person she know in her life and if i "break" the rules again while i explained her all of why i break up, she will think that, we, religious peoples are hypocrites. I cannot give that image about Islam and religious people to her.
The real question is: Do i assuming 100% of my deeds now?
The answer is no.
But there is no ways for a muslim man to try to repair his mistakes?
Silver99
Wa Alaikum AsSalaam Warahmatullahi Wa Barakaatuh Brother,
I understand your hurt, as I myself have made many mistakes and had to endure the consequential pain and regret of my actions. The reparation for wrong deeds is sincere repentance to Allah and the clear intention not to repeat those deeds. And maybe one of our brothers or sisters can post about Tawbah? I am not qualified.
Allah Knows, but I believe brother, that you do sincerely regret your part in the affair. My concern is, while you may know that you need to abstain from fornication, you may not be aware of or familiar with the principles we follow in order to protect ourselves from that sin. Without knowledge of these principles I can't see how you will be protected from repeating that sin.
Do you know, Brother, that if you are interested in a woman, that you need to approach her Wali for permission to court or pursue her ( this will be her father, grandfather, uncle, brother- in the absence of the former it will be the latter), that meetings and conversations should be chaperoned, and that if the girl you want to marry also wants to marry you, then you will need the permission of the Wali to proceed? Often times these Islamic principles are foreign and strange to us westerners, but if we think about it- How contrary to human nature and natural desire is it to expect people, especially young people, to date (meet alone, speak unsupervised, touch, etc.) and then abstain from intimacy?
When I speak about assuming your role as a Muslim man, I do not mean it in a harsh way. Men are the maintainers and protectors of the women in their households. This is the authority and responsibility Allah has given men. There are opportunities within this responsibility. There is the opportunity to fulfill your duty to Allah and gain His pleasure. There is the opportunity to set an example for other men. And there is the opportunity to develop a sense of compassion and goodwill toward all women in general. When I speak about assuming your role as a Muslim man, I mean to remind you of the high standard you set for mankind. Masha'Allah, you have learned a lot about Islam, and it sounds like you have maintained consistency in your obligations as you say. It is important to learn about your social obligations- And since you want to get married, then you should learn specifically about proper interactions between the sexes, how to go about getting married (courtship in Islam), and what the rights and responsibilities are of the husband and wife in an Islamic marriage. Attaining knowledge in these areas will bring you success with ease Insha'Allah.
It is good you have ended the relationship with the woman. You should end all communication completely. It is what you are required to do in Islam. I understand it may be hard to swallow. That is why I encourage you to do the studying and research yourself. I am sure our scholars and shaikhs can bring depth and understanding to the issue.
Salam Hana,
Again thanks a lot for your answer and your advices.
I need again your opinions.
In Japan, there are only 70,000 to 100,000 muslim. 90% are coming from other country and only 10% are real Japanese. Most of theses muslim are men.
Still in Japan, in that 10% japanese muslim, most of them are woman who get married with muslim men and converted into Islam.
Some are really believers and some others are not but they made Chahada.
When i was living there and still now, i was in contact with muslims. They was all from outside Japan ( France, Pakistan, India, Turkish ). I did not met any Japanese muslim there.
Japanese are not interested about religions. They "don't have time" to get interest about it. Japan is not like France or India or some other country; there, religion ( Christianity, jewish, muslim ) are inexistent.
Peer example in France, even if you are atheist, you always have an religious influences everywhere you go. You can have religious friends; you hear a lot about muslim, christian stuffs in the news. You have documentary about religions and they are talking about religion at school because severals connexion with history. Everyone have "basics" knowledge about religion.
But in Japan, there is no program school with religious history or TV, news, documentary stuffs as we have. Japan is an nationalism land with Shintoism and Buddhism as official religions that japanese people don't have any interests about it.
- ( Now I'm not talking about me but general life ) - Please give me your opinion on bellow questions.
1# How japanese can learn about religions if they don't even have enough interest to read an small article about it? They need "spark" from muslim but how to ?
2# Where is the problem if a muslim man meet a non-believer woman in a public places talk about all and everything and what is Islam to get her interest on it? Then, if she converted marry her.Not flirting but talk. Of course that man have to be strong in his religion.
Before my parents didn't really have interest about religion ( they knew about it but without really have interest ). Now they are asking me often question about Islam and we have also often discussion on Islam and Christinanity. Even if they are not believer i think that it is still better to talk about religions than not.
As i told you my "ex-girlfriend" also didn't have any interest and knowledge about religion. But she start to had when she said "I'm worry for you" ( of course we can see that in a bad way ) but we could start to talk about religion for months and now she have basics knowledges even if she is not muslim. It will always be in her head and she know that religious stuffs are not a joke for peoples.
----
You told me "if you had courted her properly and married her because she is permissible to you then you could have guided her"
3 # Someone who make Chahada without "really" believe in it, is considered as a muslim?
Let's say i get a wife who make Chahada, do every obligations but don't really believe as we do. Is she considered as muslim and eligible to marry?
About me, i will not meet my ex girlfriend because we had really intimacy together but I really think that even if i can convert one person in a non-believer country it is still a really good thing for me. Because that person will have muslim sons and daughters later in that country. Even if it will difficult for them Islam will expand because of that.
Thanks a lot for your answer
Silver99
Assalamu'alaikum,
"Le combat vous a été prescrit alors qu'il vous est désagréable. Or, il se peut que vous ayez de l'aversion pour une chose alors qu'elle vous est un bien. Et il se peut que vous aimiez une chose alors qu'elle vous est mauvaise. C'est Allah qui sait, alors que vous ne savez pas." (QS 2:216)
That ayah shows you, that things that is good for you may things that you don't like, and things which are not good for you are things that you may like. It's all normal, because you (as human) doesn't know everything and Allah knows everything (what is good for you).
To look for a wife, Islam gave you guidance, some of them are:
"Et n'épousez pas les femmes associatrices tant qu'elles n'auront pas la foi, et certes, une esclave croyante vaut mieux qu'une associatrice, même si elle vous enchante. Et ne donnez pas d'épouses aux associateurs tant qu'ils n'auront pas la foi, et certes, un esclave croyant vaut mieux qu'un associateur même s'il vous enchante. Car ceux-là [les associateurs] invitent au Feu; tandis qu'Allah invite, de part Sa Grâce, au Paradis et au pardon. Et Il expose aux gens Ses enseignements afin qu'ils se souviennent !" (QS 2:221)
Les mauvaises [femmes] aux mauvais [hommes], et les mauvais [hommes] aux mauvaises [femmes]. De même, les bonnes [femmes] aux bons [hommes], et les bons [hommes] aux bonnes [femmes]. Ceux-là sont innocents de ce que les autres disent. Ils ont un pardon et une récompense généreuse. (QS 24:26)
Those both ayah tells you that you are for a good muslim woman, not for a bad and non muslim woman.
So, based on those ayah, you made a good decision.
World is jewelry, and the best jewelry of the world are shalihah woman (HR. Muslim)
That hadeeth tells you about how valuable are shalihah woman.
Sholihah woman are woman who are obey Allah (and His rules), they always do what He asked them to do. Sholihah woman are taken cared by Allah (because they always take care of them selves).
Woman marriage (by man) on four cases, they are: caused by her property, caused by her descendants, because of her beauty, or because of his religion. However, choose women based on their religion (so you will) to be survive" (HR. Bukhari and Muslim)
That hadeeth suggest you to marry woman based on their quality of moral and religion.
Rasulullah said: "stay away from khadraauddiman!" Rasulullah asked: "O Rasulullah, what is khadraauddiman?" He reply: "beauty woman in a bad neighborhoods"
This hadeeth suggest you to not make any relation with beautyfull lady who grown up or her social life is in the bad neighborhoods (for example, beautyfull lady who her friends are junkies, protitutes, etc)
Rasulullah talking with Jabir after he came from Dzatur Riqa' war:
"O Jabir, are you going to marry?" I reply: "Yes, O Rasulullah."Rasulullah said: "with a widower or a virgin?" I reply: "widower." He asked: "Why not a virgin, so you can make jokes with her and she can make jokes with you?" I reply: "Actually, my dad has passed away in Uhud war, and he left seven daughters to us. Therefore, I marry a widow who qualified, she can take care of them and do her duty to them. He answer: "you are right, insya Allah." (H.R. Bukhari dan Muslim)
That hadeeth shows that to marry a virgin is preferred than marry a widower without making exception to not marry a widower (you may marry a widow also).
تزوّجوا الودود الولود, فإنّي مكاثر بكم
“Marry loving woman & able to give you many children. Because I am proud with your many number (as my people) ” (HR. an-Nasa`i, Abu Dawud & shahih by syaikh al-Albani )
"Marry fertile woman (able to give you many children) and love the husband, because I am proud with your big number of your descendant in front of many people later" (HR. Abu Dawud, Nasa'I, and Hakim)
This one suggest you to marry woman who able to give you children.
Don't marry your close relative, because can (impact) born weak children (weak physic and brain) (HR. Syarif)
This one suggest you to not marry your relative due to problem that can be created to your children.
Narated by Abu Hurairah ra:
"I've been with Prophet SAW, then came a man telling that he going to marry a women from Anshar tribe. The Rasulullah SAW asked: "have you seen her?" He said: "Not yet". Rasulullah SAW said: "go and look at her, because there is something in the eyes of Anshar people" (HR. Muslim)
Al Mughirah bin Syu’bah ever propose (a women), Then Prophet SAW said to him "Look at her because that can perpetuate (love) between you both" (HR. At-Tirmidzi, an-Nasa’i & dishahihkan oleh Syaikh al-Albani)
Beside to tell people to look at their bride/groom candidate, some tafseer expeert saying that the hadeeth tells you to marry somebody who you love (who you atracted with).
Assalaamualaikam
Love is a difficult concept to define. People have spent centuries writing about it, singing about it, painting about it, and we still find that our descriptions don't capture the reality of the emotion. Feeling hurt by the ending of a romantic relationship is a natural response, and can feel all-consuming, but in time the pain fades and people are able to form new attachments to different people.
Personally, I feel that halal love is very different from haraam relationships. People who have been in haraam relationships often describe a turbulent, intense "whirlwind' of highs and lows and infatuation or obsession with their partner - while this may be felt as being exciting, dramatic and "the real thing", it is also exhausting and tends not to be sustained long-term. The love shared in a halal relationship, however, is often described by people as being calmer and stabilising, with security and peace in the relationship, and a spiritual as well as physical connection.
There is no reason to think that you will not be able to find happiness with a believing woman in a halal relationship, and that you will be able to say you are in love with your wife inshaAllah. I think it would be important, though, to make sure you are looking for the right things when you are looking for a potential wife - the most important characteristics to consider are faith (does she believe in Islam? or is she Jewish or Christian?) and character (is she a person of integrity and good nature? does she do the right thing and support people in need? is she loyal and caring?). It is easy for us as humans to get caught up in the material things, such as having a certain "look" or owning a nice car or having a well-off family... it's important for us to work to look beyond these though, as they are not permanent and can have a negative impact on our spiritual wellbeing if we become too involved with them.
It might help to speak with a pious friend, or with someone from your local masjid, about how best to go about looking for a wife. It may be that there is a local introductions service, or that your friend knows of a girl who might fit your description of what you want in a wife.
With regards the girl you dated, it is important that, now that your relationship with her has ended, you move on and end any inappropriate contact. There are several reasons why this is important. Firstly, it is difficult to recover from a loss when you have frequent reminders of it in your life - and you do need to heal and move on with your life. Secondly, it is not appropriate for any Muslim man to have private interactions with a non-mahram girl - this is guidance from the Quran and Sunnah rather than cultural tradition, so it is important that we as practising Muslims try to follow such guidance. Thirdly, we are advised to avoid friendships with people who do not share faith in Allah - this is not to say that we should be rude or isolate ourselves, but that we need to keep boundaries in place; a person is shaped by the company they keep, so a person who spends a lot of time with non-believers is at risk of it having a negative impact on their own faith.
If this girl wishes to learn more about Islam, she can make contact with a masjid near her, or ask a female friend for help and advice. Learning from you would not be appropriate for the reasons above, and also because her understanding of Islam would then be mixed up with her feelings for you and the experiences you have shared - if she comes to Islam, it needs to be because she truly believes in Allah.
At the moment, my advice to you would be to politely but firmly stop communications with this girl, concentrate on your own healing and spiritual growth (it might help you to get in touch with a local "new to Islam" course - in practice, people often attend these courses for a long time after being "new" and they can be a good way for people who have come to Islam later in life to meet potential friends who can share their faith), and - very, very importantly - repent. Allah is Most Forgiving, Most Merciful, so ask him for forgiveness for your transgressions, and ensure you do not repeat them in the future.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Salam midnight moon. Your reply was very strong 🙁 but I have lost everything that you have described. I hate my husband because i will always admit that Although I have made mistakes I can never forgive him for my past he shared with my brother inlaw (that I was raped) before he proposed to me., I moved back to my parents house due to inlaw conflict. My sister inlaw does not forgive me but I have forgave her as how she treated me when I was at her house ( My sister inlaws sister was my husband fiancée) and my sister inlaw is my husbands aunties daughter that is my mother inlaws sisters daughter. It is very complicated because she had problems with her inlaws (her auntie) so she caused problems for me while I was living with them when we were demolishing our house. I can never forgive myself for doing all these mistakes.!
As-salaamu alaikum,
I personally thought that was a very well written piece and a rather accurate depiction of the halaal and haram concepts of love.
Assalaamualaikam
JazakhAllah khair. Thank you for your kind words, sister.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Salaam,
u did a good thing breaking up. This relationship only led to haram.
u will find a good religious wife inshAllah. real love comes after marriage not before
asalamu alaikum
i know am saying this after 4 years but welcome to islam!!
🙂 since there is no question and you just want our opinion on your story i just want to tell you that :
1 dont worry we are all humans, and humans make mistakes.(just make sure u repent 🙂 )
2 i dont know how to write this but i guess i know how you feel now, maybe because am 22 and it seems that everywhere i go i am surrounded by people who are married or engaged and i feel alone sometimes (okay most of the time) but i just want u to do what am doing...which is wait, be patient dont force things because no matter what u do Allah has a plan for all of us..
so if u are wondering if it is possible to love another woman, well Allah knows but it is possible my brother and u can make duaa (prayer) to Allah to give u a good muslim wife and that u both love eachother.
3 i feel it is best to stop talking to her so you can 'heal' and even if you are the only muslim contact its still risky because my dear brother these are 'khutuwaat al shaitan' (steps of saitan and Allah says not to follow the steps of saitan) u may be texting now but you might start calling and that leads to other stuff, if u really want to help her, give her books or send her islamic websites and then stop talking to her, and if she really is interested in islam she would be able to read about it.
4 this is awkward for me to say but if u cant hold ur sexual desires and u feel like u want to get married so u can um fulfill those desires then i suggest u fast for the mean time because fasting makes you patient.
5 in the end only time will heal your pain and reveal and show what your futur holds 🙂
i really hope i helped in someway 🙂 and i think ur english is fine dont worry about it 😛
asalamualaikum
Wa Alaikum AsSalaam,
Our Brother would like to volunteer his advice.
Question:
1# How japanese can learn about religions if they don't even have enough interest to read an small article about it? They need "spark" from muslim but how to?
Answer:
It is the duty of Muslims around the world to reach them with knowledge about Islam in the way that will interest them to understand it and embrace it eventually. They don't read about Islam because they didn't find anything interesting about it, and this is because Muslims did not play their role well. If we give them interesting information about Islam through our behavior towards them, and how Islam protect the rights of women and how it warns men to respect women dignity and many more, this will be interesting for them especially the women, and it may encourage them to start reading articles about Islam little by little. But we can't just misrepresent Islam and expect them to be interested in reading an article about Islam. There is no sincere and honest person in the world who will not like to know more about Islam when it's being presented in a right way to them, except for those who already are stubborn and determined not follow the truth however-such are those who have bad intention against Islam or against religion in a whole.
Question:
2# Where is the problem if a muslim man meet a non-believer woman in a public places talk about all and everything and what is Islam to get her interest on it? Then, if she converted marry her.Not flirting but talk. Of course that man have to be strong in his religion.
Before my parents didn't really have interest about religion ( they knew about it but without really have interest ). Now they are asking me often question about Islam and we have also often discussion on Islam and Christinanity. Even if they are not believer i think that it is still better to talk about religions than not.
As i told you my "ex-girlfriend" also didn't have any interest and knowledge about religion. But she start to had when she said "I'm worry for you" ( of course we can see that in a bad way ) but we could start to talk about religion for months and now she have basics knowledge even if she is not Muslim. It will always be in her head and she knows that religious stuffs are not a joke for peoples.
Answer:
Islam does not allow a man to sit alone with women in such a way due to the dangers and temptations in it. There is no problem if someone did and was successful, because the problem is not the act itself but it's the temptations and dangers in the act. So since we cannot promise ourselves that we can be successful without being taking away by the temptations in it, Allah gave us the general ruling, that we should not go near Zina, because going near Zina will make us end up commiting Zina due to our weaknesses.
Just look at how many times you have tried to be honest with yourself and how determined you wanted to be, by not commiting Zina with her, but as soon as you got closed to her, something changed your mind all of the sudden (That is Chaytan/Shaytan). The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, "Whenever a man is alone with a woman, Satan (Chaytan) is the third among them"
My dear brother if you will be honest, don't you see the beauty of Islam in how it protects you from falling into Zina by forbidding you to go near to it??? Just look at your past experience with this woman and how you tried not having Zina with her, but in the end how you were tempted by Chaytaan!!! So you should be in the best position to tell other Muslims or defend the guidance in the ruling that forbids men to sit alone with women regardless of the initial good intention.
Question:
You told me "if you had courted her properly and married her because she is permissible to you then you could have guided her"
Answer:
The chance that you got to be with her, (even though it was not allowed to be with her) you could have used that chance to help her learn about Islam through your good behavior and through encouraging her to read articles and watch videos about Islamic topics.
Question:
3 # Someone who make Chahada without "really" believe in it, is considered as a muslim?
How do you know the person made the Chahada without really believing in Islam? Do you know what is in the person's heart?
Answer:
We do not judge what is within the heart, but we judge what has been acted.
It is agreed that even if we are in a battle and our enemies said the Chahada when we over power them, we can't kill them regardless of whether they believe in it in their heart or not (we can't really tell what is in the heart right!).
In the time of the Prophet (saw), Muslims and None-muslims were engaged in a battle, and then one of the none-Muslims said the Chahada, but Usama bin Zaid killed him. After the battle he told the Prophet (saw).
Usama bin Zaid said:
I saw one of them (during the battle), he said “laa ilaaha illallah”. I stabbed him, and after that I felt bad and so told the Prophet (saw) what I did. The Prophet (saw) asked: “did he say laa ilaha illallah, and you killed him?” I said: “He said it, but only out of fear for my sword.” He (saw) asked “did you check his heart to see if he believed it?” he kept on repeating that question until I wished that I was not Muslim yet until that day…. In another narration it continued: “what will you do about that laa ilaha illallah if it comes to you on the Day of Judgment?” I asked “ask forgiveness for me "O" Rasulullah.” and every time he saw me after that he (saw) would ask me “what will you do if laa ilaaha illallah comes to you on the day of judgment?”"
Question:
Let's say i get a wife who make Chahada, do every obligations but don't really believe as we do. Is she considered as muslim and eligible to marry?
Answer:
If she said Chahada and then she told you after that, that she does not really believe in Islam and neither does she believes in the existence of Allah, you cannot marry her, until she understands what she is doing (this is if she is an atheist). If she is a Christian or Jew, you can still marry her and help her understand Islam (since she has the basic believe in Allah and she is engaged in worshiping Him through her religious understanding).
Question:
About me, i will not meet my ex girlfriend because we had really intimacy together but I really think that even if i can convert one person in a non-believer country it is still a really good thing for me. Because that person will have muslim sons and daughters later in that country. Even if it will difficult for them Islam will expand because of that.
Answer:
You can help her embrace Islam by keeping the rules of Islam and showing real character of Islam, in doing so you may explain to her why you can't talk to her nor meet her anymore, and you may then direct her to authentic Islamic websites for her to learn more about Islam. Let her know you did the wrong thing by disrespecting her dignity when you did Zina with her without marriage, and that you have repented now. You may edge her to find Islam and learn how it protects women's rights and respects woman's dignity.
Hope this helps Insha'Allah
Salam,
I did understand exactly what you are saying now.
Thanks a lot to everyone who participated on my post and my pleasure to talk with all of you again!
Good luck
Salam
Silver99
Thank you too Brother, and stay blessed with Allah!!!
Dear Brother,
This is the golden chance for you to make your Dunya ( this world) and Akhirah ( next world when we will be born again). How ? if you keep calm,nice and get in touch with her and gradually tell her about Islam , i am sure she will come near to Islam,
In my opinion Islam is a magnet specially for non believers because they will accept it by comparing what they have been doing and what they should do?
secondly if you are successful in convincing her about learning Islam , you will get your first love and you will also have a great believer Wife to whom you love most.
Be sweet to her as you were when she said you are too involve in your religion , because our behavior is most important then the words.
this is also a proof that Islam was not spread by sword but the Teachings of Islam and Prophet Muhammad (P.B.U.H) , she is not as harder as the Kuffars of Makkah at Prophet's time . so Allah will give you great rewards in both worlds.
Love to Allah and Love to anyone like mother,father,wife,children is different but it is not prohibited in Islam. Allah has made us and put these wishes in us, he told us the right way to love and that is totally halal and fulfilling these will also give us Sawab.
I am not a writer , so i may have done some mistakes , i am excited to see you both as a good muslim family.
My All Prays are for you.
Regards.
Aamir