Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I cannot take this abuse, so is it haraam to move out?

light, road, dark road

I want to leave my house. I'll be 18 in a few months. I can't stand my family anymore. I'm a girl and I know I shouldn't live alone but I can't take it anymore. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember.

My father has been abusing me for as long as I can remember. I've been through all types of abuse. My mother would try and protect me but she's a sick woman. She's has high blood pressure and Diabetes. I know it's tough on her since my dad tortured her for 20 long years.

I can't say I know her pain but seen some of what he's done to her because I've lost most of my memories from trauma and I only have a fragment of memories that still haunt me even today. I can honestly say I've never been truly happy. The only time I feel calm and reassured is when I'm praying. When I can't, I panic and I feel like I'll die. I keep having satanic thoughts and in my mind, unconciously, I even cuss at Allah! I ask Allah for forgiveness after I realize what I've done.

My mother spends half the money my father sends her on my brother. Whenever I want something, she tells me she doesn't have money. I'm waiting to go to college and she doesn't have money. I'm stressed, I'm fed up and I want to jump off a cliff. For her, my brother is always right. I take good care of her and my brother shows her the cold shoulder. She still praises him and treats him better.

I feel like just because I'm a girl, I'm not wanted. Last night, my brother started yelling at me, cussed at me and said rude things about me. I got angry and yelled back. Then I accused my mother of neglecting me and she called up my father and told him that I'm a complicated and a difficult child to handle. He told her, "get her married and dispose of her."
That really hurt me because all I could think of was "is that all I am to them?"

My father married another woman after cheating on my mother. He cheated on her with several women. I did not know this and when we lived away from him, I caught my mother with another man. I was really shocked and she told me it was friendship but she also said he was in love with him and she would leave us home and would be gone with him at night only to return in the morning. That man was married and had a one-year old son. I told her not to do it. I would never let her break someone's home and she promised us to never talk to him again. Then she secretly started meeting him. I caught her late at night talking to him about making their physical relationship even more intense and I called up my father crying and told him everything.

I was scared out of my mind since my brother told me he was coming over with his friends. I'm a girl so I think it was natural. My brother was the one who told me to call my dad. My dad booked a flight and moved the whole family back with him. We thought we were safe but it turned out my father had an affair with a maid he hired and she did black magic on him ( true story, not lying.) It took us 3 years to get rid of her. She tried to poison my mother and my dad was even more violent and abusive than ever.

When she left, he cried for months and started doing drugs and started smoking. He wouldn't talk to us. Anyway, he slowly started getting better, his attitude changed from violent to pleasant and we thought things were finally over. These 3 years were the hardest of our lives. Then one day, at 3 am, my father woke up my mother and started crying. He confessed to her that he was in love with a woman he met on the internet and they were madly in love. They fell in love within 8 days and were getting married. My mother woke us up and told us everything. My brother didn't care but being really emotional, I yelled at my father telling him he was the worst and locked myself up.

I felt like I would go into coma. I told him I hated him. He promised everything would remain the same and even showed us pictures of that woman. She is not attractive but she's skin and bones. Her father is an imam. Things got complicated and he kept torturing my sick mother and blackmailed her that he would not give us any money for our education unless she agrees to him getting married. That woman stayed 21 days with my father in our house without nikah and they lived together in an apartment.

That had a very bad impression on me. I became suicidal and he kept mocking me, telling me I'm useless that I'm stupid and I'll never get anywhere in life. On the other hand, my mother told me "this is why i cheated on your father. You're just like him and you;ve ruined my life. We were happy and you ruin it!" My brother kept firing her up. Even though he told me to call up my dad.

Anyway, after so many hardships we've moved to another city. Life is still tough, we have little money. And my mother loves her cat more than me. If I catch a cold, she doesn't care but when her cat is sick, it's like the world is ending. She's always praising my brother. I haven't eaten in 25 days because I want to save money for my education (this is also for healing scars I have and my depression has led to pre-diabetes which is why I'm on a water fast and it's helping.)

But whatever my brother wants, he gets it. I'm invisible, I have no friends. My mother tells me I can tell her anything but I can't trust anyone. When I talk to her about my feelings, she tells me "shut up, I feel sick right now." I'm homeschooled. And I don't have friends. Everyone hates me. I've just been yearning for love. She asks me for money and never gives it back. My father sends me little money as pocket money and I'm trying to save up for my education. I just want to get a degree then a job and move out.

I've been starving myself because I'm so depressed. My brother is always eating from outside and I get NOTHING. My mum tells me she doesn't have money but she's always telling her cat how much she loves him and gives him luxurious food. She spends a lot of money on the cat and little on me. Sometimes I wonder how she'll react when I'm gone. I feel like Allah (SWT ) is punishing me because I'm a sinner. I've sinned. And I feel like Allah (SWT) does not love me anymore. What should I do? Sorry if it's so long.


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14 Responses »

  1. hi, i can sort of understand where you are coming from, if i was in your position, im not going to lie, this may not even be good advice, but i would wait til i can support myself, if it is extremely bad and i need to get away, i would, committing suicide would be worse, so i would get away and make my own life.

    you have been brave enough to share this, something i can't do with my own problems, so you can be assured you have the strength to survive, again, this is only if it really is that bad, seek help with shelter and income, pray to Allah for help, you will soon see brighter and happier days Insha Allah

    please do not follow on my advice alone, seek advice from others as well

  2. Sister, your story is sad and disheartening, your a prisoner in your own home, however do not lose heart, you will never lose the love of Allah, and that alone will make you rise above the biggest challenges in life.

    Dont leave home, its a hard place with no resources but its a roof over your head and your mother is not forcing you out, leaving at your age will make it impossible to survive.

    Your father has caused much distress in your family, but your mothers reactions and behaviour towards you is callous and wrong, you must start to eat, you cant live on water for too long and you will kill yourself, spend the money you have on food and for your education you can get a government grant or scholarship im sure of this.

    You must pray all the time, and stay close to Allah, ask him for guidance and help and your path will come to you, you at a tender age and i do not wish to burden you with too much, but in your current state leaving home is not the answer, so stay as you are for the moment and keep faith in Allah, ask for your mothers love and insha'Allah you will see a difference.

    May i ask what country your in, i can help you find funding and give you further advice on finance in general, so reply back and i will be able to help you more.

  3. Asalaam alaykum dear Sister Sylverdreams,

    Are there any relatives from either side that can help you. A grandmother, an aunt or cousin? Maybe they could let you live with them for awhile even if it means moving far away. I think this may be the best course as you can leave depend the neglect that you are going through. Insha'allah there is someone, but please read the rest of my advice below to get an idea of what you need to make your own life a reality.

    I would encourage you to find financial government assistance that could provide you with proper food and healthcare. Being a diabetic, you need to ensure that you manage your health first and foremost, as neglecting it can be life threatening. Let us know in which country you reside and we'll try to find you the right sources to contact. Most places do not give out money, but instead a card that can be scanned to provide the essentials for life, milk, eggs, cereal, meat, etc. Since you are still under 18, please do this as quickly as possible as it may be easier to get done. Also, there are many charities both Muslim based and non-Muslim that focus on children, the hungry and the sick, which you are of all three. This way you can be sure to eat everyday, as well. Many food pantries and soup kitchens, specifically for women, can provide you with the proper food, assistance and point you in the right direction of getting your problems sorted.

    I would also encourage you to get away from home schooling and get yourself enrolled in public school, as well. All you need is your birth certificate, and perhaps you may need to take an exam, so that they can place you properly depending on your documentation. At school, you can find other Muslim sisters to befriend, have breakfast and lunch at very reduced rates and start getting an idea of how you will make it on your own, as I do not see your parents improving your condition any time soon. At a school, you could then speak to a counselor who may be able to guide you with financial assistance for college, providing for books and tuition fees. If you cannot enroll in school, then you can still visit a university and speak to their financial aid counselors, as well.

    You also need to find a part time job. Anything in retail, fast food or a food store (cashier) will be the easiest job to apply for and get. It'll give your own money, a discount on food and a place where you can grow your self esteem. I highly recommend a food store cashier for employment if you're in the States. Many of the bigger ones also provide financial assistance for college and will train you to rapidly rise through promotion if you become real good with accounting. They're real flexible with schedules, too. Basically anything that pays you well enough and can start you to getting out of your situation.

    There are several help lines for children and the youth so that you can speak to someone in your area. There are some based in the U.S. and in U.K, but if you are not living in those countries, just ask and we'll do our best to find you someone to contact. I know of an organization in Afghanistan funded by the UN you could contact if you were there, so rest assured, more than likely there is something for you in this regard.

    The worse thing about your situation is that there is absolutely no reason for it and Islam strongly condemns treating daughters this way, as this situation mirror that of the Age of Ignorance in pre-Islamic times. A daughter is to be treated like a flower of heaven and if not, then it is best for you to seek familiar shelter elsewhere. Again I encourage you to find a relative to move in with who is willing to help, as you must also be aware of the traps of society in which loose girls and manipulating men will try to prey on you. Be careful of rooming with a girl that has boyfriends or parties all the time. Stay away from men, especially those who try to sweet talk you and promise you everything under the moon, as they are more than likely after just one thing: sex. They will promise to love you and marry you, but you only need to peruse this website to see how many young women were duped by men like them and left devastated, not to mention pregnant.

    Please keep us posted if you need more guidance.

  4. Dear sister,

    I am sorry to hear how dysfunctional your family has been. I do agree that staying in that environment will NOT help you heal. But, at the moment, it does not sound like you have the resources to live on your own. It would have been helpful to know where you live - do you like in a western country, like the UK or somewhere in North America?

    Planning for your future may make you feel less powerless. I am not sure why you are not in a public school, but if school is not an option right now, then you should try to find a job outside the home. It will get you away from the dysfunction, and, you will earn some money which will help you either return to school and/or find a place to live on your own. Is there a female cousin or older girlfriend who may be your roommate and with whom you can share expenses?

    Second, are there counselling services you can access in your area? Try a google search. Many family doctors are trained in providing counselling; can you speak to your family doctor (primary care physician) about what you have been going through?

    Third, are there resources in yoour local muslim community? Some Islamic centres offer emotional and spiritual counselling. I feel that this may be helpful.

    Fourth, do you have extended family that you can speak to, and who may be willing to take you in?

    Fifth, please be assured that Allah SWT is always always looking out for you, but you need to reach out to Him, too. For me, talking to Allah late at night really helps - try waking up for tahajjud prayers, have you tried that? When you feel scared, read the 4 sura's that start with "Qul" - sura's 109, 112, 113 and 114. Another verse that affords protection is Ayat--ul-Kursi. Sister, do you know these verses? Do you have access to the Quran?

    There was a lot of tumultuousness in my household growing up, too, although not as bad as your's. My parents were difficult but they were not immoral. I am sorry that the situation between your parents, and their individual behaviours, is so sordid; no child deserves to be exposed to that. When I was a teenager, I always prayed for my parents, especially my mother, and I always, always felt that God listened to me. And He did, because things got better. Your parents are in need of guidance, too. I won't suggest that you preach to them, although it would be great if a family friend or community member could get involved and let them know that their behaviour is far from Islamic and not befitting a parent. You cannot bear that burden right now; you need to focus on your own emotional, physical and spiritual health.

    Why do you feel that you are being punished because you have sinned? Remember that we are not angels, we all sin. Ask for Allah's forgiveness, and He will give it to you. Ask Him to help you move your life forward. I agree that it is hard for a girl to live on her own, and you are quite young, but, I don't think that this environment is healthy for you either -- emotionally, physically and spiritually. It is tearing at your soul. So take some of the steps I have mentioned above, start looking for a job so you can save money, and Insha'Allah things will work out. It may take a while, but they will.

    Please keep us posted on how things are going at home.

    -Maryam editor

  5. Hi,

    I can sort or relate.. Ive moved out of my house suddenly before because I felt the man I wanted to marry wouldnt be accepted by my parents. I just left for 4days and I felt extremely miserable but I was 20 and had a job. Listen, regardless of how they treat you, they are your parents and you should obey them unless they are asking you something that Allah does not accept . I understand how difficult this may be for you, and how alone you feel . But let me tell you things will get better. You have to believe in what Allah has planned for you... and he is testing your faith right now. So if you have sinned, repent. Pray constantly, ask for forgivness and guidance. Do Duaa to relieve your depression and Inshallah you will feel better. Dont lose faith, but dont run away from your problems sister..especiaally at such a young age, you still have alot of growing up to do . You are a Muslim, Allah has given you the gift of faith and patience.. So use it and know you are never alone, Allah listens to people in need.
    Good luck and stay strong !

  6. Your story sounds a lot like mine. I know how you feel and I would like to talk to you more if you need it. I dont know how old you are but i am 20 years old and ready to move out of my abuse. I know what it feels like to have people call you a sin, I'm half musilm, half hindu so you know right from there that my people dont like me. I dont care. Through all the suffering and all the pain i am the only one who can carry ME away, so those people do not matter. It hurts but I cant think about them and want to die. God gave us life to live, so i will force and work hard to live it no matter what. YOU NEED TO THINK THE SAME because until you do, you will feel horrible forever. My mother is just like your father. If hearing my story will help i dont mind telling you. My advice to you, and this is what i have done and am doing, is for you to get any job you feel good doing ether part time or full time, SAVE MONEY! You will need as much as you can save. Once you have a few thousand saved hide it and look for a place with another girl to rent, save for schol like i am and apply for grants and loans to pay for a good program that will give you many job outlooks and RUN! study while working like i am and NEVER talk to you abusive family again, NEVER. Find girl friends that will be there for you and see if you can talk to a doctor or someone about whats gong on insde your head. Good luck and i hope people like us can survive and go on to live beautiful lives.

  7. I sought to leave my home but seeing but Allah something else.After listening to your story, My.home is very good comparatively, May Allah bless you,ease your life.May Allah forgive you.

  8. In my opinon you should moveout. Its hard but it will work out. Remember that allah will help you when you really need it. He has helped you by keeping a bad father and mother away from you. He has made sure they dont bother you so that you can save the money and live on your own. Sister, dont starve yourself. No matter what. Save some money but also eat when you need to. May allah guide you to the righteous path. I would recommend reading this same text to your mother that you have written. They cant tell you they have raised you properly because they have not. No mother or father should leave their kids for a new wife or cat. I love you and your story. It brings tears to my eyes and it hurts me that you are starving. Get medical advice. Even if you must use saved money use it.

  9. Salaam sister,

    May I ask how is your situation now?
    Sister I am in similar situation to yours my nanny and mum abuse me. I am being neglected as well, I have spoken to my extended family meaning my aunties and uncles but no one will let me live with them they say "if you live with us our mother will curse us."
    Sister I am 18 I have faced a lot of challenges similar to yours. My dad and mum got separated when I was 2 years old since then I have no contact with my dad. I'm not sure if its acceptable in Islam for a girl to live alone but Allah swt will not help you if you don't help your self.
    Sister my advice to you is tell a social worker your situation they will move you to a care home, you can study, take care of your health, and be more independent.
    And please, don't starve yourself eat food remember you have no one to lookafter you.
    You have to take care of your self.
    I know its difficult for a muslim to live alone and society is very bad they judge girls for little reasons.
    But remember Allah SWT try not to do anything that is haram. Insha Allah you will live a happier life.
    All the best and please remember me in your duas.

    • Salam everyone,

      I'm in a very similar situation too and dealing with mental abuse from my family. It has come to the point where I'm scared to be at home and always trying to find a way to leave. Is it haram for me to leave without telling my parents? I'm so scared to go but I can't live here anymore either

  10. You really have to talk to the police immediately and stop this madness that affect you!!! Om so Sorry to this!!!

  11. Inshallah Allah will help you and he would want the Best for you, so you have to talk to an asylret you trust, or Call the police!!!

    • Thanks for replying back I have left house for 6 months now and are in a secured accomodation.
      My family have stopped talking to me since 6 months.
      I have tried contacting them but mum has changed her number and other family have told me not to talk to them.
      I feel they have broken ties with me which is wrong in Islam I'm very upset because I don't want to loose contact with her I still love her and always will.
      Does anyone have any idea about what I can do?
      Jazakhallah Khair

      • Assalaamualaykum Muslimgirl,

        If your story is anything like that of the original poster, then you did what you had to do to survive in and escape a brutal situation. I'm very sad to hear that your mother and family refuse to have contact with you, particularly because it is their actions that led you to this difficult step of moving out. It is not you who "broke the ties of kinship" in this your's is your parents, and not by cutting you off for 6 months, but rather, by treating you so badly in the first place, enough to entice you to leave.

        If you remain firm, they may make some changes on their own to better the environment at home, and at that point, you can consider moving back if you wish. In the meantime, you can keep calling so they know you are not giving up on them, but it is also completely understandable if you prefer not to. Don't question yourself sister, and remind yourself of why you left whenever you find yourself doing so.

        Remember Allah is with you, your Creator and the Creator of your parents, who knows what is in your hearts.



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