Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I can’t find a suitable wife!

prayer dua marriage

Salam to All,

May be it sounds a bit awkward that a Male is complaining on such an issue(often females used to do that!) But what to do that is becoming the reality now a days.

I am 25 years old boy  and currently, my family is looking for a suitable spouse for me and unluckily, I have utterly been very disappointed on looking at the current moral scenario of females. Now-a-days, almost every female I see is in contact with a non-mahram. That non-mahram can be a neighbor boy, a class fellow or a bunch of boys following her on facebook (Never understood why they do like that, why such a superiority complex but that is a complete different debate).

I was very disappointed to see even the ladies that depict themselves as religious, posting pictures of Quranic Ayats/hadiths were having non-mahrams added in their social networking profiles and when someone asks them why such hypocrisy? The answer is, 'He is just my class fellow' OR 'God knows my faith, its between me and Allah. You don't judge us'. I mean why not to judge you? Why not to call you a hypocrite, although you demonstrate all the characteristics of that? If that's the rightful answer; "you don't judge us', what's the importance of the famous hadith that says something like that; If you see something wrong stop it by hand, if can't do that then stop it by tongue, if can't do that consider it a sin from your heart.

You can call me conservative but that is how I am.

Personally, I am also not very religious, I don't have a beard (just saying) and regretfully, I often miss Salah (Most of the times I would say) but as far as my character is concerned I am 110% sure it is All clear. Have been to Engineering university and to multinational companies but still neither tried to flirt with anyone nor tried to send them invitations on social media. Although, by all means, I am very much capable to do that.

Even I try to keep a reasonable distance with my female cousins. I talk to them only if its necessary. Never tried to be very frank with them but doesn't mean I am boring or a nerdy sort of thing. I love to do that but I control myself. I am a very lively person but all my fun and playing around is with the people of my gender.

So I am very confused about the following:

1) In today's world, is it reasonable to expect for a pious lady? At least whose character is not doubtful, someone who has neither been frank with non-mahrams nor she has added them on social sites?  Or all the Pious married Muslim males have to make compromises on this quality?

2) I am aware of the Quranic verse that says something like that; For pious men there are pious females but you know we come across countless examples where one of the life partners is the wrong doer. I mean Why so?


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25 Responses »

  1. Assalamu Alaikum, Hello brother.
    I want to start of by reminding you that your faith and relationship with Allah is the only thing that matters. And in my personal opinion if you don't give salah as we owe Allah, then it doesn't matter what ever else "your character" is. I too have not met any woman who is as reserved and and traditional as most men would want. But the fact is that Allah(swt) created men to be different from one another and we are to learn from each other and there is no harm in being polite with people who are not Muslim. Would Allah really want a woman to lock away her mind and not understand or learn about the world? Would you want you children to have a mother who is so ignorant of her neighbors?

  2. They do exist and there may be a lot of them but they may not be very attractive. It's not necessarily the girl that isn't pious it's just if she's attractive there will be more boys making attempts on her. Some of those attempts succeed.

    Now if you go get a girl that's down right ugly, she might be modestly pious but free from any boys making contact, or if you go for a grandma that hasn't heard of the internet, then score, you got yourself a girl that doesn't do social media, or heck, even know about :).

    The main problem you're going to run into is when you try to find someone that is very attractive and very pious. They exist too but it's going to be harder to find. Good luck.

  3. OP: Now-a-days, almost every female I see is in contact with a non-mahram. That non-mahram can be a neighbor boy, a class fellow or a bunch of boys following her on facebook (Never understood why they do like that, why such a superiority complex but that is a complete different debate).

    That means about the same number or more men are doing the same thing. Looks like you have done a lot of research on what Muslim females are doing on the Internet now-a-days. By the way why you are you looking at women on the facebook in the first place

    In my opinion most young single adults want to have friends of opposite sex. Some succeed, others keep lookiing for a sure sign that other person will respond to their approach.

  4. Reading what you wrote " I have judged you" like how you judged other females and the best suitable place for you to find a good attractive Muslim female is a village......

    We live in s society of equal rights.... men and women.... its because if people like you our country will not move forward.....

    I'm a non Muslim but you said you don't do a particular prayer..... then how do you have the right to judge people???

    Did Allah give you the right? If yes show us....
    Our God didn't give us the right so I don't really know about Muslims.....

    Grow up boy.... if you hold a bird in your hand tightly you will kill it.....

    Think of what I said....

    May God give you better understanding

    P.s I'm only 20

  5. salam i believe in most of the stuff you said. Its true.. Pious women dont really socialize with the opposits....Well bro you are being tested if you want to know about patience look in the story of Ayub a.s My friend Allah knows when the time is best . Your a good guy and have still alot to learn .Build your foundation and have a regular routine.My friend as a revert rejected and lonely it was only 10yrs of patience and then at the age of 30ish i came across a lady that i used to deliver meat.So i said your happy today .She said my daughter just came back after 7yrs finishing the Alima program so i asked if she would be interested i me.Mind you i already met some through brothers at mosque,but all those girls were weak in faith eg. they like to go movies and shop and were makeup to the new already from experience that barakah comes into the home with a pious wife.....It was only 3times that i met my wife.she had a list of questions and we agreed to marry.It was success and it continues.Are love grows and are happiness and being blessed with smart all a round children. You see the point im making as for the american dream date sleep and marry be happy is all but a curse and thats a fact.Those who disobey Allah and his messenger will get a hard life in this world and the end result will be a everlasting doom.So leave everything in Allahs hand.

    • and she is a muslim scholor and you are raul and your wife is very pious and muslim scholor

    • Damco300765: My friend as a revert rejected and lonely it was only 10yrs of patience and then at the age of 30ish i came across a lady that i used to deliver meat.So i said your happy today .She said my daughter just came back after 7yrs finishing the Alima program.

      Lucky guy, are you still delivering meat? Do you allow your wife to go on the Internet? Does she know about this website?

    • Damco300765: Pious women dont really socialize with the opposits..

      Can a pious woman and pious man be friends?

  6. i think you should get married to a girl where domestic violence is frequent and she is caged, where she is not allowed to study in co education where a brother beats his sister and warns her not to use Facebook. only that kind of girl you can marry with low confidence level, broken and shattered who is unhappy and want to commit suicide.
    you are very narrow minded and judge others character based on apparent things. what is your behavior with your sister is she allowed to study in co education? just asking

  7. Ok i have been in a relation with such person who doesnt wanted me to talk to any male even didnt like me to talk with my class fellows and i really felt like im in cage, i was so exhausted and wanted to get rid of that relationship as soon as possible. See now the time has been changed , i respect your opinion that a female shouldnt get frank with non mehrums, she should keep a distance from non mehrums but its not possible at all that she will be not talking to males at all. Change your thinking, cause if you will maintain this thinking and will get such wife but then somehow you saw her talking to any male then shaytan will hit you and will create troubles and doubts. Go for that woman who will obey you and will not break your trust. Mutual trust is the most important factor between husband and wife. If you find such woman who fullfills n respect your trust then there's no need of this thought ' i dont want my wife to talk to any non mehrum' .

    In my experiences , i have seen many ladies who are not very religious or hijabis but they do keep a distance from males while i have been contracting with such girls too who were very religious , kept avoiding contact with males but were highly arrogant, and thought other girls low who had contact with males.
    My mother belongs to village and is very shy to speak to even the drivers of our home, she's exctly the type of woman you have in your mind but still my dad married another woman who's very sharp n bad.... why?? Personal preferences change.
    And dont be so quick to judge , be broad . We dont know when Allah swt gives hidaya to that person that we judge as the sinner. Allah doesnt judge his creation , every human errs . he's merciful to his creation so you should be too . Learn accepting people as they are.

    • Samiya: In my experiences , i have seen many ladies who are not very religious or hijabis but they do keep a distance from males while i have been contracting with such girls too who were very religious , kept avoiding contact with males but were highly arrogant, and thought other girls low who had contact with males.

      Many times these man/woman relationships are very secret and no outsiders knows about it. I mean a girl may keep a distance from males in public, yet may have lovers. Religious people have hormones and desires too. Have you heard stories involving Imams and Quran teachers? Hijab can't change psychological behavior of a girl, it may change perception of people who see her.

  8. Salam There are male and females out there that are pious.My wife who is a scholor and some of her cousins that had been to madressah at there early years.I have concluded that children who have a solid foundation in regards to deen aswell as good parents that have balance in there life. .They werent strict because Islam doesnt teach us this.These generations will prosper.Also families involved in tabligh and give time and make effort on Iman most of them are successful.Brother anyone who mixes deen with duniya is very unstable.Give you eg. A women who displays her makeup and likes to shop for clothes and goes to the movies or spends tomuch time on social media becomes a risk.This will definately not bring barakah home because her channels of sences are being attacked .....eyes ears tongue hands and feet were she walks all effect the heart.So my advice is marry a hafiza or Alima or one that comes from a good family and she is also involved in tabligh. or connected to local mosque helping community.Dont look at the dolled up face bro. thats a deception .Look for simplicity and when she talks she is straight to the point but soft spoken and is very kind.Keep asking from Allah it depends on your connection.Check your intentions watch your eyes what you eat and how you treat people.These allhave to be taken inconsideration. Just look into the story of Ayub A.s in the tafseer of quran.Read it.The story teaches us never giveup and have patience......This is your test.And please make sure you have career not a job.This is important for you.Wife can come anytime .Saw my wife 3 times before i got married at 30 and my wife who just came from EnGland at age of 19. Finishing 7yrs alima program Didnt even know how to cook but brought lots of barakah.Now 11yrs passed by she is a master cook i guess or just lots of zikr n fiqr. Has a degree in child pychology and runs a daycare.My oldest daughter is blk belt in taewondo ,swims weekend has classes in madrassah 2hrs afterschool 5days/week and knows more then 30suras.So the point is be prepared .You will be tested .Yes sometimes situation arises but we make mushurrah and try to solve it in the way of our prophet.Yes are love has grown and Allah puts it in our heart.When you do the wrong way .That life comes with problems???

  9. Wsalam brother,
    I read you are a qualified engineer with a good job, reserved with the opposite gender, looking for a pious muslimah.
    Brother, since when did social media posts or no posts become a judge of anybody's religion and piety and that too people you hardly know?
    With your attitude of intruding and judging girls who you have no rights over except that you are looking for a potential; you will drive all females away. If you are not happy with it, move on, do not start attacking their personalities and calling them hypocrites...
    And re read your own post, I am assuming it is your frustration at being unable to find a spouse of your choice but I could easily 'judge' you with what limited info you give us... except that you are reserved with the opposite gender, you hardly mention anything that would invite a smart, practising muslimah to think of you as a potential. Think about it. No offence meant.

    • I 100% agree being arrogant is really not a good sign or even acknowledge your own flaws or even your thinking is wrong too. People really need to think what they saying such a downhill shame but this is reality now.

  10. Well I am a woman and i say the same about men and i honestly think its down to the unfortunate society we live in where sins and haram actvities is becoming the norm really a shame. I however agree with you today we wont get this so i like the term give yourself to ALLAH be patience see what happens InshAllah for the best. As for social media i dont judge but if someone chose to communicate like this then thats their business me personally i dont care.

  11. I think you should not act conservative up to this point that each and every girl out there is wrong and you are the only pious person left on this earth. If you are looking for an extremely beautiful and pious Lady that's really hard to find brother. Ask your family to Look for some educated , average looking girl and don't check her by seeing her contacts on social media. We Muslims are given a blessing from Allah to seek His guidance through istikhara. Do it yourself and Allah will show you whatever is good for your future.

  12. Dear Brother

    We live in a society, where there are less restrictions between male and female interactions and open communication services without restrict on sex. In such a society female or male are bound to be co-workers, friends and even lovers.

    Of-course you should avoid such persons who claim to be religious and interact freely with opposite sex as it is hypocrisy. This leaves behind two group of people possibly suitable for your life partner.

    One who freely interacts with other people while maintaining some minimal boundary and dignity(avoid affairs) but also do not claim to be religious(not hypocrite) and secondly and most important one who avoid opposite sex encounter as much as possible and remain faithful to religion too(may miss salah just like you).

  13. You gotta have patience and understand that if nothing is working out then it only means that the time is not yet ripe. Thank Allah for the hardships and the heartache for they make your duas real and not just some mumbled thing that is routine. Pray tahajjud and make dua afterward. Learn Quran too. recite as much as possible but make sure you actually know what you are reciting.

    Guard your salawat and never ever compromise on them for any reason! Brother, there is no excuse for this.

  14. how can you hope to have a pious wife when you yourself are not?
    piety is not being just a good need to follow the pillars of islam....keep your salah in order.

    and need to account for the times we are living in...interaction between the two genders is very common now, you cant avoid it unless you are living on the moon and even then you will be logging in to FB.

    so unless the girl has committed fornication..drinks...parties...among other explicit evils...she should be a good choice for marriage.

    so i tell you what i tell myself...fix your own deeds and insha Allah, HE will show you the way. actually HE does so out of HIS own generosity but, you know, try from your side to attain HIS favor as well.

    hope that helps.

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