Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I can’t get inner peace at all

Ashamed woman, sad woman, depressed woman

Feeling ashamed.

(Editor's note: I cleaned this post up, did a lot of editing and added subtitles to make it more readable due to length - Wael).

Assalam o alaikum. This is my second post, my first post was *14 and I feel im destroyed*

Please give me as much answers as you can. I need a caring advice cause I'm going through a very tough time, nobody knows how I feel. I cry every night every second.

Me, My mom, my grandmother, my sister and my nephew live separately now, and my mom would be getting divorce from my dad soon. So from that side, I'm very peaceful, I thank Allah very much that we are free from that abuse.

I would like to clear hear about what happened and why I'm writing again.

Till 12 years old, I was totally SINLESS, I used to love everyone, cover myself, respect everyone and my life was so good. I was so innocent and so caring and loving towards my mother. Everyone in the family loved me, all my relatives. When I was 8, in our neighbours, a girl was very bad and she did bad things. My mom said that I should promise her never to do anything like she did, I promised!

Committed Sins at the Age of 12 (now I'm 14)

But when I was 12 I got into a relationship. I promised I wont do anything bad, but I did. I did everything else except intercourse. I'm still a virgin, I feel HELL, you know what it is? hell! I am 14 right now and,I always think to myself, WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?? IF I WAS DEPRESSED, WHY DIDN'T I TALK TO ALLAH?

He was a very good person, but he left me for the sake of Allah, and he apologized me for everything after sometime he left. Now we are not in contact, but I feel pathetic, I made many mistakes after he left, i used to go out and play with little girls just to make myself feel better, but ppl started talking about me and saying that i'm a bad girl because I play outside, then I even stopped going out, because I didn't wanted to become a shame for my parents, I love them to death.

I did all he said, but I got no pleasure doing it, cause I hated what I was doing. I never wanted to do anything he said, never. He was two year senior than me, we always met in school, nowhere else. I always cried after I did anything wrong. I hated my sin and wanted to stop, but just for the fear that he'll leave me, i kept on doing it, but thanks Allah I'm still a virgin.

Sorry for any spelling mistakes, but I'm very very confused. Nobody knows how much guilt, shame and courage it is taking me to write all this, because I hate that I have to write it for me, i cant believe I did it, i feel so bad.

when I see that jumma prayers expiates the past week sins if we haven't commited major sins. I haven't committd major sin? Please tell me, i feel suicidal.

I'm a good Muslim now but feel very ashamed

It is like 7 months now that I still can't get inner peace after trying EVERYTHING. AND I MEAN IT, EVERYTHING. Pray 5 times, respect mom, CRY EACH AND EVERY NIGHT in front of Allah alone in the dark after everyone sleeps.

When I remember those moments I begin to shiver and feel ashamed. I feel like I should not go with my mom anywhere, i feel like a shame for her. I'm still young, from the last 7 months since Ramadan I've tried HARD ENOUGH to let my past go since I've repented. I wrote my question on different forums by the expectation that maybe someone advises me with something which will give me peace, but no, the more someone helps me, i feel very sad.

There is not a single sec that I don't cry. every time I read Quran with translation, and when I see the verses where it is written about Allah's punishment, i shiver and start crying in fear. whenever my mom brings something for me, i don't use it because I feel like I don't deserve it anymore. I feel like I've destroyed myself even when NOBODY, NO ONE knows about it except me and Allah. Allah has concealed it but my sins HAUNT ME.

Unworthy of Marriage

I also feel I'm not worthy of marriage, but I want sincere love. I want to born again, but how? I want to be a good Muslim, of what I've dreamed since I was little, but I've destroyed my dreams and killed the inner me.

I think my mom trusts me so much, and I did this? And I start hitting myself. When someone respects me I feel that I'm not worthy of it. I've tried a lot of times to start a new life,but the thought that I did this makes me feel worse. I feel if Allah didn't conceal it - if people knew - then everyone would have stopped loving me. Oh Allah, even while I'm writing this, my tears don't stop falling.

Please I need your help. Please someone give me a therapy to START MY LIFE AGAIN. I cry when I go to sleep, cry when I wake up, start crying when my mom treats me with love. I just want want to live a happy life again.

Even though we are free of the abuse by my father, my problems are still not over. I never did anything to make my mom proud of me. Every time I do something good I remember I was clean when I was little.

I love my mom but I hate myself

My life has ended. I feel like Allah wont forgive me. I feel very hateful towards myself. I've left all my friends, I've sold my cell and bought a gift for mom because I don't want to use it anymore. I love my mom very much - nobody can imagine my love for her.

Please help me. I don't want to hear or even see the word zinaa. Please tell me I've not committed zinaa or I will die. I'm just hating myself. I want love, mercy, and forgiveness. I want care and a new life.

If I wear hijab I feel what's the use now after I've done wrong, and I cry cry and cry. I think to myself I shouldn't have committed it and then I hit myself. I'm sick of trying to start again and ending up in failure. Please give me bright answer, please please please.. :'((

- Umm ul nasim

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8 Responses »

  1. Assalamualaikum, my brave little sister,

    Did you say you are unclean? I don't see the reason, because you said you did not have intercourse. No you did not commit the Zina, which is one of the major sins. Rest assured, you are as good and clean as any pious Muslim.

    I said pious Muslim, because even they are not free from sins. Everyone commits sins, but a few repent to Allah. And my sister, you are one of them. Remember Adam Alaihis Salam also committed a mistake when he forgot and disobeyed Allah, but he repented and was forgiven. Likewise, even shaitaan committed a sin by disobeying Allah, but did not do tawbah, and he will be punished for it.

    Did you get what I am trying to say? Everyone commits sins in some way or the other, but only the CHOSEN FEW repent to Allah and correct themselves. You are in a much better position than many people. They even commit Zina and many of them do not do tawbah. But you feel sad for a sin that was not as huge as Zina, (but was a sin afterall) and saying you feel unclean?

    It is very good to shiver out of fear of Allah, His Punishment is severe and He takes a very swift account. But His Mercy overpowers His Wrath.

    How much can we assure you, The Lord Himself assures in a Hadith Qudsi narrated by Imam Muslim:

    It was narrated from Abû Dh arr that the Prophet ﺻﻠﻰ اﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻠﻴﻪ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ said, narrating from Allâh, Glorified and Exalted is He: ``O My slaves, I have forbidden oppression to Myself, and I have made it unlawful among you, so do not wrong one another. O My slaves, all of you are astray except those whom I guide, so ask Me for guidance, and I will guide you. O My slaves, all of you are hungry except those whom I feed, so ask Me for food and I will feed you. O My slaves, all of you are naked except those whom I clothe, so ask Me for clothing and I will clothe you. O My slaves, you err night and day, but I forgive all sins, so ask Me for forgiveness and I will forgive you. O My slaves, you can never do Me any harm or bring Me any benefit. O My slaves, if the first of you and the last of you, your humans and your jinn, were equal in piety like the heart of the most pious man among you, that would not add anything to My dominion. O My slaves, if the first of you and the last of you, your humans and your jinn, were equal in evil like the heart of the most evil man among you, that would not detract anything from My dominion. O My slaves, if the first of you and the last of you, your humans and your jinn, were to stand on a single plain and ask of Me and I were to give each one what he asked for, that would not cause any loss to Me greater than what is lost when a needle is dipped into the sea. O My slaves, it is only your actions that I am recording for you, then I will requite you for them. Whoever finds it to be good, let him praise Allâh, and whoever finds it to be otherwise, let him blame no one but himself.'' Sa`eed said: ``When Abû Idrîs Al- Kh awlânî narrated this Hadî th , he would kneel down.''

    You fear His Punishment, that is good, but do not forget that He Is The Most Merciful Lord, Who Created. He Says in Surah al Hijr:

    15:49
    نَبِّئْ عِبَادِي أَنِّي أَنَا الْغَفُورُ الرَّحِيمُ
    [O Muhammad], inform My servants that it is I who am the Forgiving, the Merciful.
    15:50
    وَأَنَّ عَذَابِي هُوَ الْعَذَابُ الْأَلِيمُ
    And that it is My punishment which is the painful punishment.

    He mentions His Mercy before His Wrath.

    Also remember that His Mercy is unimaginable. Imam Bukhari reports on the authority of Abu Hurairah ﺭَﺿِﻲَ اﻟﻠﻪُ ﻋَﻨْﻪُ who said: I heard Allâh's Messenger ﺻﻠﻰ اﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻠﻴﻪ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ saying, ``Allâh has divided mercy into one hundred parts, and He kept ninety-nine parts with Him and sent down one part on the earth; and because of that one single part, His creations are merciful to each other, so that even the mare lifts up its hoof away from its baby animal, lest it should trample on it.''
    If all the mercy we see in this World today is only 100th part of Allah's Mercy, then imagine the 99 parts that are with Him, which He Has preserved for His believing servants.

    Do not lose hope sister. You did a sin, that was not huge and Alhamdulillah, you are sorry and you repent to Allah. Now, become a good Muslim and hope that He Will Forgive you.

    You said you want a therapy to start afreash. Salah is a therapy enough. Learn submissiveness in Salah. Imagine that you are standing in Allah's court, folding your hands, lowering your eyes, you are bowing down to Him, Praising Him, prostrating to Him - falling down on your face, just for Him, in front of Him, and saying "Glory be to my Lord, The Most High". How Pleased will He Be, if anyone says this and actially means it? How blessed would yoi feel, if you actually imagine yourself in His court, having this conversation with Him?

    Yes, salah is a conversation with Allah. The proof is another Hadith Qudsi:

    Abu Hurairah (radiallaahu anhu) said:

    I have heard the Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alaihi wasallam) say: "Allaah (the Mighty and Sublime) has said: I have divided prayer between Myself and My servant into two halves, and My servant shall have what he has asked for.

    When the servant says:
    All praise belongs to Allaah the Rabb of all the Worlds.

    Allaah (mighty and sublime be He) says: My servant has praised Me.

    And when he says:
    The Most Gracious the Most Merciful

    Allaah (mighty and sublime be He) says: My servant has extolled Me,

    and when he says:
    Master of the Day of Judgement

    Allaah (mighty and sublime be He) says: My servant has glorified Me -and on one occasion He said: My servant has submitted to My power.

    And when he says:
    You alone do we worship and from ,You alone do we seek help

    He says: This is between Me and My servant, and My servant shall have what he has asked for.

    And when he says: Guide us to the Straight Path, the Path of those whom you have favoured, not of those upon whom is Your anger, nor of those who are astray

    He says: This is for My servant, and My servant shall have what he has asked for."
    [Reported by Muslim, Maalik, at-Tirmidhee, Abu Daawood, an-Nasaaee and Ibn Maajah]

    Is there any possibility of being hopeless of such a Merciful Lord? He Says in Surah az Zumar:

    39:53
    قُلْ يَا عِبَادِيَ الَّذِينَ أَسْرَفُوا عَلَىٰ أَنْفُسِهِمْ لَا تَقْنَطُوا مِنْ رَحْمَةِ اللَّهِ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَغْفِرُ الذُّنُوبَ جَمِيعًا ۚ إِنَّهُ هُوَ الْغَفُورُ الرَّحِيمُ
    Say, "O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful."

    So, move ahead in life, working for the Aakhirah. Do you know what awaits the Mu'mineen in Jannah? A huge valley, streets of gold and silver, beautiful palaces, and what not? Read this description of the Paradise. It will be an added advantage and a motivator to worship and hope from Allah: http://www.kalamullah.com/paradise.html

    I hope this reply did not make you sad, but gave you a reason to believe, a reason to hope from Allah, a reason to Worship Him.

    May Allah Guide you and forgive you, and even all of us. Aameen

    Abu Abdul Bari
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Walaikum salam little sister,
    Wow, you are so amazing masha Allah for knowing right from wrong from such a tender age, Allah o Akbar. I wish I was like you when I was your age. Brother Waseem has not left much for me to say but I would say that if you love your mother than you will have to defeat the shaytan who is trying to put you down when all you are doing is move on and improve in your deen only for the sake of Allah (swt).

    Let me ask you something, if I may! What you see when you look at your mother? I am sure a person who can only give love despite what you do or did, she will always love you unconditionally, whether you are poor/rich, old/young, sinner(who isn't)/pious. Why I am asking all this is that mothers are just a glimpse of Allah (swt)'s mercy, compassion, love for us believer on this earth to realize that HE (swt) forgives us no matter what we did/do and cares for us more than 70 mothers. HE loves nothing more than HIS servant prostrating in front of HIM, asking for forgiveness for his/her sins. We are meant to make mistakes, we are no angels and neither are we expected to be. In fact, when Allah (swt) created us humans, angels asked HIM; why are you creating them, they will commit evil, blood shed, corruption and what not. If YOU needed someone to worship then aren't we enough?
    Allah (swt) replied that; I didn't give you all power to commit sins but I have given such power to the humans; shown them both path; right and wrong. Now, it's their choice to do good deeds and enter jannah and follow shaytan and enter hell fire with him. One of the ploys of shaytan is that he stops us from doing Taubah by whispering in our ears that we are sinners and we should not ask for forgiveness or puts suspicion in our heart even when we know that Allah (swt) is oft forgiving, merciful and compassionate.

    All this is clear from your post that he is implying these tricks to stop you from moving on and getting close to Allah by following the right path. When you are praised he whispers in your ears that you don't deserve it because you sinned (even though you were innocent and still are and Allah (swt) has most likely forgiven you iA). When your mother shows love, appreciation, care and affection toward you; shaytan again whispers in your ear, puts suspicion in your head that "you let her down by breaking her trust etc". He does the same thing when you pray, make dua, do hijab, do good deeds, show love, care, respect toward your parents and elders; all to put you down and drag you further into darkness toward a place where you see yourself a complete failure.

    Please try to understand and don't let shaytan succeed in his plans and defeat him by fighting the suspicions, whispers and all those negative ideas he puts in your head and heart to lead you astray. A few things you can do is to do istaghfar, read Quran and listen to recitation as often as possible, pray five times a day and be around sisters who are striving to be best in deen. Most importantly, don't let go of patience; nothing happens over night and everything takes time.

    May Allah (swt) guide you through this situation. Please write here if you need help.

    Muhammad1982,
    Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

    • brother u both helped me to a great extent,i feel much hopeful better and happy now. one lst question
      bt cn i ask u one more thing??? Do i deserve equal rights as my siblings like when i study i get a thought that now i no longer deserve this as im wastin my mothers money as aftr what i've done,i don't deserve it.
      And does Allah love me now? i kno he is forgivin n merciful.bt does HE love me now ? 🙁
      i just have this one problem tht wen i go to skool i feel different frm other kids,i feel like im a very bad kid,is it wrong? wen there is any thing like eid,i get ready,bt thn i realise i hv lost every right to celebrate it,what to do with these feelings,i cnt evn study,and cnt evn enjoy any festivals 🙁
      i jus cnt seem to face anyone n feel very ashamed even when no one knows of it :'(

  3. Why are you ashamed? What are you ashamed of? You are very much better than you think you are. And keep this in mind: Allah Loves you. In fact He Loves you more than your mother loves you, more than you love your mother. I am not just saying this to make you feel better. It is something Allah Himself Said through His Prophet:

    Narrated `Umar bin Al- Kh attâb ﺭَﺿِﻲَ اﻟﻠﻪُ ﻋَﻨْﻪُ : Some Saby (i.e., war prisoners, children and women only) were brought before the Prophet ﺻﻠﻰ اﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻠﻴﻪ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ and behold, a woman amongst them was milking her breasts to feed, and whenever she found a child amongst the captives, she took it over her chest and nursed it (she had lost her child but later she found him). The Prophet ﺻﻠﻰ اﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻠﻴﻪ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ said to us, ``Do you think that this lady can throw her son in the fire?'' We replied, ``No, if she has the power not to throw it (in the fire).'' The Prophet ﺻﻠﻰ اﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻠﻴﻪ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ then said, ``Allâh is more Merciful to His slaves than this lady to her son.'' (Bukhari)

    Allah becomes more happy when His beloved servants return to Him, than a person who finds his lost camel in the middle of the desert.

    A Hadith has this:

    Narrated Al-Hâri th bin Suwaid: `Abdullâh bin Mas`ud related to us two narrations: One from the Prophet ﺻﻠﻰ اﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻠﻴﻪ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ and the other from himself, saying: A believer sees his sins as if he were sitting under a mountain which, he is afraid, may fall on him; whereas a Fâjir (wicked evil-doer) considers his sins as flies passing over his nose and he just drives them away like this.'' Abu Sh ihâb (the subnarrator) moved his hand over his nose in illustration. (Ibn Mas`ud added): Allâh's Messenger ﺻﻠﻰ اﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻠﻴﻪ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ said, ``Allâh is more pleased with the repentance of His slave than a man who encamps at a place where his life is jeopardized, but he has his riding animal carrying his food and water. He then rests his head and sleeps for a short while and wakes to find his riding animal gone. (He starts looking for it) and suffers from severe heat and thirst or what Allâh wished (him to suffer from). He then says, ‘I will go back to my place.' He returns and sleeps again, and then (getting up), he raises his head to find his riding animal standing beside him.'' (Bukhari)

    Would you still say you doubt if Allah Loves you? Rest assured, He Loves you more than you can imagine, more than anyone else can love you.

    You are not wasting money, but using it to make your mother happy. People around you are not better than you, but you are like them or even better. You are unique and there is no one like you.

    You have every right to celebrate, my sister. It is shaitan who has no happiness to celebrate. And he wants us to be like him. You should understand that he is your biggest enemy and you have a weapon called Allah's Love, to fight with him. He is experienced, but very weak. He can not stand before a person who recognises Allah's Love and uses it against him.

    So my sister, what do you think about me or anyone else? We all commit mistakes like you did, but we know that Allah Loves us and His Mercy is always within reach. You do not need to feel bad. But fight this feeling (which comes from shaitan who is standing in front of you). Slap him and knock him down and use your weapon, which is Allah's Love.

    He Loves you, my sister. You can retain this love by being obedient to Him, praying all 5 prayers and trusting in Him.

    You should watch this video attentively. It talks about a meeting with Allah in Jannah.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyDRS3Ey7mc

    I hope you have got some strength against Shaitaan, now that you have a strong weapon.

    Abu Abdul Bari
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • thankyouu so much brother..you both really cheered me up. Allah will reward you for this..you both helped me in such a way that i feel much better now. i feel reborn now..my heart is in peace now finally after 7 months.. thankyou so much.Allah will reward both of you for this..Allah will reward you.

  4. Assalaamalaikum Wahrahmatullahi Wabarakaatu,

    I seek refuge in Allah from Shaytan, In the name of Allah, most gracious, the most merciful. All praise is due to Allah, lord of the Worlds.

    Ibn Qayim Says: The smaller a sin is in your eyes, the greater it is in Allah's, and the greater it is in your eyes, the smaller it is in Allah's.

    Becoming hopeless of the mercy of Allah is prohibited. The Quran declares: Say: "O my Servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah: for Allah forgives all sins: for He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

    — Quran, Sura 39 (Az-Zumar), ayah 53

    Allah says about Prophet Yunus in the Quran:

    “And (remember) Dhun-Nun (Prophet Yunus), when he went off in anger" (Surah Yunus)

    About the fact that he showed impatience with his people and did not wait for Allah’s instructions, the Quran says:

    “and (he) imagined that We shall not punish him!” (Surah Yunus)

    Prophet Yunus, after leaving his people, went on to board a ship that got caught up in a storm and its people thought that they would drown. In such a desperate situation when the ship was being pounded by waves on all sides, and they were at risk of drowning, they drew lots to decide to throw someone out of the ship in an effort to lighten the load. The Prophet of Allah, Yunus (peace be upon him), lost the draw three times. However, the people of the ship did not want to throw him out of the ship. So, he took off his garment so that he could throw himself into the sea, and they tried to stop him. Allah says:

    “Then he (agreed to) cast lots, and he was among the losers.” (Surah As-Saaffaat 37:141).

    After he threw himself into the sea, Allah sent from the Green Sea — according to what Ibn Masud said — a large fish which cleaved the oceans until it came and swallowed Yunus. Allah inspired that large fish not to devour his flesh or break his bones.

    Ibn Masud, Ibn Abbas and others also said that “The fish took him through the sea, cleaving it until it reached the bottom of the sea. When in the belly of the fish, Yunus heard the rocks at the bottom of the sea uttering glorification of Allah, at which point Prophet Yunus (peace be upon him) realized his mistake and called out to Allah. he said:

    “… he cried through the depths of darkness (saying): “There is no God but You, Glorified be You! Truly, I have been of the wrongdoers. (Surah Al Anbiya, 21:87)

    Awf Al-Aarabi said: “When Yunus found himself in the belly of the fish, he thought that he had died. But after he realized that he could still move his legs, he prostrated where he was, and then called out: `O Lord, I have taken a place of worship to You in a place where no other person has reached before.”’

    Allah then tells us in the Quran:

    “So `We answered his call, and delivered him from the distress. And thus We do deliver (save) the believers.” (Surah Al Anbiya )

    This clearly shows that when we are in a difficulty or a distressful situation and turn to Allah and call upon Him with sincere repentance, especially with these words, Allah responds to our call.

    The Prophet (S.A.W.S) said about this Dua: “No Muslim ever prays to his Lord with these words for anything, but He will answer his prayer.” (Recorded by At-Tirmidhi, An-Nasa’i in Al-Yawm wal-Laylah)

    “There is no God but You, Glorified be You! Truly, I have been of the wrongdoers” (La Ilaha Illa Anta Subhanaka Inni Kuntu Minadh-Dhalimeen).

    Allah also made it known that had it not been for Yunus’s (peace be upon him) sincere repentance and his invocations to Him, he would have stayed in the whale’s stomach till the Day of Judgment!

    “Had he not been of them who glorify Allah, He would have indeed remained inside its belly (the fish) till the Day of Resurrection.” (Surah As-Saffaat, 143-144)

    We learn from this story that not only we should be patient in all matters of our life, but we should repent to Allah often and should constantly remember Him and say His praises as that can help save us from the tough situations in life. Finally, the Dua of Prophet Younus is not only easy to remember but its regular saying can have a very positive effect in our lives.

    Well, that was for repentance.

    Now, how do u know that Allah has forgiven you? How do feel worthy of marriage and worthy of your mom's respect and others'? How do u get sincere love? How do u start a new life? How do u become a good Muslim like you've dreamed since you were little? and finally, how do you get the inner peace? Inshallallah, in a few days, I'll give you specific answers for each and every one of your questions and they are not going to be long answers, they are going to be direct answers, very simple and short, and Inshallah, you'll be satisfied!

    Peace be on you.

  5. Allah mercy is greater than your sin all human do sin but the human who believe allah and nabi and ask forgiveness so allah forgive them allah and nabi is watching you allah knows what you are going through he knows everything and you are such a good person because you fear allah you ask allah for forgiveness by true and sincere heart i have so much to tell you but right know i am just saying start listening the prophet path videos ok this is best advice i have and beleive in allahs mercy please try atleast one time especially the video of 2 people which go in jannah from hell (the prophet path) please you are pure because you have regret ok

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