Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I can’t leave him, neither can I forget him.

silent love

Asslamualaikum,

I am a 15 year old 9th grader who hopelessly crushed on a school guy who is in her bus for about 6 months from now.

Even to this day, I immensely wish that i had never met this guy,i wish that this stupid reckless heart of mine wouldnt have desired him to such an extent which compelled me to take a haram step. Yes, akhi and my ukhtis, the devil had certainly diverted my innocent mind at the pressure of "love" to pluck up the courage and go talk to him.

Sadly,the main fact is that Im a girl who does niqab so direct interaction with him wasnt possible. To think of it, i hadnt ever imagined to have a relationship with him as he is a palestinian and i am pakistani-bangladeshi... but as they say,love has no conditions.

It started out on Facebook, i didnt have enough guts to straight away tell him that im the niqabi in his bus so i faked up an account. My heart was at least at peace since i assured myself that i was just TALKING to him being some pretty girl who hails from England and not revealing my real identity. I guess this was my biggest mistake,how i wish i could turn back time and prevent myself from committing this since this is the only main cause for which you'd find my pillow wet every night. I talked to him being a fake for one month,we had incredible ties with each other,talking every night which even led us to extreme sexual conversations.

And then i realized that i was tied, i was a prey to the love of this angel faced palestinian. I come from a religious asian family which highly avoids talking to the opposite sex but i was so emotionally unstable that i gave away my identity and we started dating for a while. Then some light had descended on me which forced me to pull myself apart from him though it hurt every bit.

I had quit talking to him for about 2 months and this distance just seemed unbearable so just yesterday,just yesterday i messaged him and he replied too. But surprisingly,his tone of voice and everything changed. Right now,he acts like there was never a me and him that existed. He has been forcing me to send my pictures, i did so but a blurry one. The fact is that he had been blindly dating me without seeing my face for a while. He demands to see it.

Now,another question rises....how important is maintaining your niqab? Is it too necessary even if you have been holding it for 3 years? Will it make you a hypocrite if you show your face to only one boy and not the others? Overall,what impact would it create on my family? I certainly desire him with my heart. He is ready to accept me on the condition that i show my face. And my lust is just too happy to agree. The problem is i cant forget him even though i prayed so hard to Allah to make him and the memories disappear and neither can i leave him due to the strong attraction that lies within him.

Im a lovesick fool involved in deep trouble and im living in an unstable situation which is deeply affecting my health and studies. I cant study,sleep or eat properly. He haunts my mind every second.

I need immediate help if i don't want to perish and i certainly am unaware of the measures that i must take.

Samara

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7 Responses »

  1. Dear Samara sis,

    Hope you are doing well.

    Regarding your situation, please do not share your photo to this guy. Please do not listen to the whisper of shaytan that you should because you "feel" love for this guy.

    You already know that is not "feeling" of love rather then lust.

    You should break all means of communication with this guy and avoid seeing him. Delete all your inbox messages with this guy and then unfriend/totally remove this guy from your facebook or any social network. You don't need him. Thereafter, deactivate your facebook. Don't go on it for at least good six months.

    In shaa Allah soon your schooling will finish and then try your utmost to make a fresh NEW start in new school or college for your HIGHER education. No relationship with this guy nor any other boy. Protect yourself from heinous sins.

    And unless this situation thay you are in right now, is not going to affect your health then please do not share this matter with anyone in your family. But if you think you can't bear this by yourself then and only then tell someone more responsible and wise in your family that you got yourself in trouble and you need their help! This responsible and wise should help you. It will be difficulty to tell them but they should understand because you are their young and they should assist you in this regard, in shaa Allah. Other than your family please do not share this with anyone else not even your future husband, in shaa Allah

    And use your time to make yourself busy making friends with good and practicing muslim susters, attend good islamic circles, take part in community/ voluntary work - a lot of organisation always needs some volunteers. So go out and help out their projects. This will help you yo have good people skill in shaa Allah, something which you will need in a workforce as well as in marriage life. Please make good use of your free time.

    Start to think about what you would like to become in the future - teacher, accountant, dentist, florists, entrepreneur, etc. And then start to focus on those subjects...

    Please don't put your life on hold because this phase of your life. Come out if it and begin to become more proactive and productive in life. And help others to become more efficient and effective in life too. Be an amazing good example for yourself, your family, your community and rest of the world, in shaaAllah. Always be happy and cheerful.

    In regards to niqab, I cannot say much because I just practice hijab only (my hands and face is always visible) and I do not see myself with niqab in future. However much, look into and make this decision of niqab for yourself. And in shaa Allah you wont be sinful if you decide not to do niqab at all as Hijab is fard and not niqab.

    In sha Allah you found my advice helpful and you will make good decisions for yourself.

    Best wishes, your sister,

    - Me

  2. Please read the reply above, sister Me has covered all your questions.
    As for niqab, sister you know that your relationship and feelings are all haram yet you want to show the most attractive feature of your physique: your face to some non mehram??
    Divert yourself forcibly from this infatuation before it is too late. The guy has already changed his behaviour, he is probably taking a last chance just to see what you look like behind that niqab out of curiosity before dumping you.
    Some people might argue on the need for niqab but as I heard a scholar, move ahead with your hijabs meaning from covering head to proper hijab to niqab and so forth and not backwards.

  3. Jazakillahu khair sister Me and Friend...
    I certainly am aware of what you are trying to convey and I know by all means it is definitely correct. To be honest, I am fighting really hard and I will be until I accomplish this task. But sadly,now almost 1 and a half month has passed....and since then things have changed a bit. He saw my face. This happened in an awkward situation though. It was unintentional and he appeared right in front of me when my face cover was not on properly. Later,he messaged me saying that I look attractive and blah blah. But as Friend suggested above,he basically just wanted to use me. Yes,he ignores me now. But he hasn't exactly dumped me. He basically holds me in between right now with sudden mood and feeling changes.
    But I had had enough. I hate him with my heart right now...I want to destroy him the way he destroyed me, maybe the love is there but the power of vengeance is more. I have recently been praying to Allah for his destruction, so that he is hurt exactly as I am. And I want it to be done in my hands. The level of anger has risen in me. I have been deeply oppressed and used...he promised to not let go of me and yeah,he did. And since, Allah will surely accept the dua of the oppressed,I won't stop praying
    But now the question is...,to which extent is this prayer correct? At least I am not praying for a haraam relationship, I'm just praying for revenge and justice.
    --Samara

    • Salam Samara,

      You're young and new at relationships so I'll try to explain:

      1) You liked him on the bus: At this point he doesn't like you or know that you even exist because he can't see your face. The right course of action here was to bring this up with your parents and see if you can pursue marriage with him. If you can't then no point in getting to know him better or anything else because it will leave both you and him heartbroken.

      2) You created a fake account so that you could pursue this man. He didn't asked to be pursued, you did this. And yes if you're going to be nice to him he's going to have feelings too.

      3) You decided to cut contact from him for 2 months because you felt that it was haraam. A better thing is to not initiate contact but if you're going to cut contact come to agreement with the guy that this is what you're going to do. If you cut contact by yourself that just hurts the guy and makes him trust you less. How does he know the next time he's invested in you that you won't cut contact then?

      4) It is not surprising that someone you disconnect from will act differently after you choose to leave and come back. They have to bear the pain of losing you and become accustomed to the fact that you're not around. They don't even know if you're coming back. He wasn't ready for this, you imposed this on him. Once he's dealt with the pain of you disappearing you reappeared. He's tried to get over you during this time he's going to act differently now because the trust that you'll be there just got damaged with one sided no contact.

      5) There is nothing in Islam that says you have cover your face. I don't see that command in the Quran at all. If he saw your face it's not that big of a deal. So sending a picture of your face shouldn't have been an issue, the fact that your father is not involved in any of this is the bigger issue.

      Please consult with your father and mother, explain to them that you are having feelings for this guy. I hope they are equipped with the understanding of how to handle this, if not I hope there's some other elder that you can go to. Ultimately though, your wali and this guy need to come to an agreement about you two.

      Outside of your parents coming together with his parents, you two have no basis to pray for evil on each other. Each of you is trying to hang on to love that should happen in marriage and because it is happening outside of marriage you two are suffering from it. Even more so with you becoming religious half the time and dropping contact. Also, please stop blaming him, you are lucky that he responded to your feelings and didn't drop you when he realized you had a fake account up. If anything he's been really nice to you, you have no basis for praying for evil on him, you are not oppressed by him.

      • Wassalam M....
        The points you described above is true to some extent but the part where youre saying that the solution is marriage is not possible in my case. As I said I'm just a 15 year old ninth grader and so is he. In this modern era I can't rush to marriage right now since none of us are stable enough to pick up this responsibility and no way I'm getting my parents involved. We live in a very strict Asian society and there are strict limitations to these. The surrounding of my school and the influence of some of friends pushed me to this extent. And how is he being nice? I begged for forgiveness and promised to never leave him again...I asked for another chance. If he has been broken by lack of trust, then yeah...I'm double broken right here.

        I am oppressed btw...my entire life pattern changed because of this dumbass. He promised he wouldn't let go. But he did,how is that nice? Even after explaining my situations he doesn't seem to understand. He used me,and yes I'm oppressed. I've gone to extreme cases of self harming. I even prayed for us to 're unite,but since thus is a haraam prayer,I'm just going to pray for a "tit for tat" situation so that he feels exactly as hurt and ignored as I feel.

        Cuz Believe me...those memories still scar my heart and implement in my lifestyle in such a way that isn't just too hard to bear,but too hard to forget also. Please pray for me.

        --Samara

        • Salam Sister,
          I am sure that you are probably feeling a bit humiliated after what happened, and I don't want to lecture you or make you feel worse than you already do...but my hope is that you will reflect a little more deeply on the role you played in this situation.

          As you already know, friendships and relationships with the opposite sex are not allowed in our religion. It is difficult for most people (even adults) to control their feelings and desires in relationships. One thing leads to another, and suddenly things spiral out of control. You say and do things you regret, you neglect your faith, and you lose valuable time that you cannot ever get back. One wrong decision in this arena can change the course of your life forever if you commit zina or become pregnant. It doesn't get any more real than that.

          So be grateful, first of all, that Allah SWT is showing you the right way. Despite the serious mistakes you made by getting involved with this boy via Facebook (which is something you initiated) and then in "reality" (which was again your choice), something in your heart told you this was wrong. You felt repelled by what you were doing and stopped for 2 months. This was the best thing you did. But then you went back and tried to rekindle the relationship. When the boy acted aloof, you felt betrayed. But what if his response to you had been positive? Would that have made things okay? Or would that have led you another step closer to zina and other sins? So, be grateful that things are over. You should not be inviting such complications into your life.

          On the bright side, you are a bit wiser now, and this experience will, Insha'Allah, prevent you from blindly following your desires in the future. It is really important for you to understand, however, that the situation was 100 percent preventable and did not need to happen. You could have avoided this situation by maintaining your distance and not initiating contact with the boy.

          And like you said, you are not even ready for marriage right now, so what exactly were you hoping to gain by entering into an unlawful relationship at the age of 15?

          If you are able to acknowledge these points, then you will know what to do if you are ever confronted by the same temptations in the future. Part of growing up is learning to control our temptations and not give in to our desires. Because next time, a different guy might be a lot more attractive and mature, and he may pursue and tempt you in ways you have not experienced before. So it is important for you to give some thought to that. Otherwise, you might find yourself abandoning your principles each time you are tempted, and you are way too smart for that.

          So, what kind of dua should you make now?

          First of all, I really think you should avoid thinking of dua as a means of getting revenge. That's not the way it works. Be a little humble, and admit that you made some mistakes. The boy is not totally innocent, but you also wronged him through your actions. So...

          Ask for forgiveness for your actions. Then ask Allah SWT to forgive the boy as well. Ask Him to guide you both to what is right and good.

          Ask Allah SWT to keep you away from temptation and haram relationships, to purify your heart, and to use your time for worthwhile activities that will benefit you now and in the Hereafter.

          The first post above (by "Me") contains some good suggestions. Read the post again and implement the advice. Make a commitment this Ramadan to put this incident behind you and to focus on the future. Ramadan is a great time to reset your priorities and get back on track. But you have to back that up through action, and that means blocking and deleting the boy from your contacts and not initiating any future relationship. Before you know it, Insha'Allah, you will be graduating from school and moving on to more important things.

        • Salam Samara,

          I'm sorry you're in this situation. This is a lose-lose situation for both of you. If he forgives you and accepts you then you still are too young to get married. Which will lead to you getting hurt even more later. If he doesn't forgive you then you're hurt right now and are going to resort to praying for his demise.

          As for promises, you're in no position to promise that you won't ever leave him. You can't get married to him right now, so even if you promise this then there is no way you won't leave him when you can't marry him. And the same is true for him, he can't promise to stay when getting married to you is out of his hands.

          I recommend cancelling out any ill will you two have between you by having a discussion and asking for forgiveness. Then remind yourselves that this relationship isn't either of your faults in terms of moving to marriage, you're both just too young. Beyond that I don't recommend praying for his demise, if you wish, you can pray to have him in a halaal relationship, although I think by the time you're older there will be other guys that would've caught your interest.

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