Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I can’t make a decision about this proposal



I have always lived in a joint family with my dad' s sister (complete family including a husband and 3 sons, plus my dad's parents). We've all had a very free upbringing, where we were brought up as one family.Living together is according to my granddad's wishes.

A few months back I was asked by my sister how I would feel about getting engaged to the middle son of my aunt, Z. At first I was angry at the fact that how could my family think of such a thing at the same time bringing us up together so my reaction was a No, I was really upset at that time.

Even though they weren't wrong (because looking for a spouse for your kids in your own family is very much preferred in Islam) at that time I was in India. Coming back home no one asked me about it but a few days into Ramadan my aunt asked me about this topic and she told me there's no pressure, but as a parent (she's always been like a second mother to me) when something good comes along they really wish that it comes through. Even according to me, I am thinking this may be the best proposal I can get....because Alhumdulilah - Z(the guy) is a Hafiz al Quran, he's educated, goodlooking, earns and apart from all that, since we have grown up together I know it for a fact that he has no obvious bad habits nor is there any tension about the family since MashaAllah.

Alhumdulilah my aunt's relationship with my dad has always been a very special one. On paper everything is perfect. I'm so confused, I've been doing Istikharah as well. Even with all that logically speaking everything is good...on paper it's p.e.r.f.e.c.t.

I thought alot about it and I really cant bring myself to say yes. My initial reasons were the fact that he's almost like a brother to me but that isnt valid because technically he's a non mahram. I know living together for such a long time was wrong, I've never even practised proper hijab in front of these cousins because I never felt the need to. When I did understand I still tried my best to maintain a distance and observe hijab which is difficult because of the fact that we all live under the same roof and that we've been brought up with our lives so interwined I really don't know any other way.

My grandfather had told my dad and aunt about his wishes of getting me and Z together around 7-8years ago but when my aunt had told him that if that's the case she would seperate but he didnt agree. He told her that Even Ali and Fatima(R.A.A.) grew up togther and even after that, though she insisted, he told her that when he passes away she can leave. Obviously they do realise it was a mistake but it's too late now to change it. Apart from all that I might even change the way I see him but even then something is holding me back.

I spoke to my elder brother about this and according to him I really should find out what is making me hold back. I really thought about it and I realised something: as a kid (it was long ago, I don't even remember my age) I guess around the time between I was 6-10 years old his father had touched me inappropriately on several occasions (we are still living together hasn't happened after that) but I've always felt an aversion/ fear/ wariness towards him and I feel that's one of the main reasons that's hindering my mind. There are times when I really want to say yes...but I can't.

Apart from all that, this great drive to say yes also stems from the fact that EVERYONE would be happy if this proposal succeeds, my mind is saying yes but my heart says no and I'm feeling so guilty because I can deal with everyhting but disappointment in my family's eyes, which even though they say isn't there - I can feel it....and they worst part is even his mom has been so understanding. Instead of feeling relieved I feel more guilty. They all tell me to stop thinking about it and let Allah guide they way but how am I to stop think?

I am doing Tawakkul ala Allah but my mind keeps going back on the same route and sometimes I feel I'm committing a grave mistake when I agree and the same when I don't agree. I can't seem to decide what's going on or what I want. Sometimes I feel I need a psychiatrist or something. Please do give me sound advice....another thing...I've always been bad at making decisions.

The reason my parents have asked me now is that this news has leaked into my community and if I don't want to go ahead with it then not clearing the air would have problems for me in the future. Z might have an inkling of what's happening but my family chose to take my opinion first as it might cause problems in my future. Nobody has spoken to him as yet, please help.

I really dont times I want to say yes I really do...but then I get scared and all weird and I can't bring myself to agree.

Jazal Allah Khair

- confused soul

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14 Responses »

  1. Ussalamualaikum,

    Please let me know that can we married to daughter of my uncle (paternal uncle), dauther of my father's younger brother.

    I am really confused but we are in love.

    Please advise, if it is not permissible in islam than we have decided to separate.


    • Ahmed, cousins are allowed to marry in Islam. However I do not recommend it for health reasons, as it increases the chances of genetic defects in the children. It's best to avoid it.

      Wael Editor

  2. Wael brother! I have written here so many times that I posted my questions like 2 weeks ago and never heard back from any brother or sister since then. Is there something wrong with the question or anything else. DOES IT TAKE TOO LONG TO WRITE A FEW WORDS TO INFORM SOMEONE WHO IS LEFT TO WAIT FOR INDEFINITE. COME ON GUYS I DIDN'T EXPECT THIS FROM YOU GUYS AT LEAST. WHAT ISLAM SAYS ON KEEPING SOMEONE WAITING WITHOUT TELLING THEM HOW LONG THEY HAVE TO WAIT OR REASONS TO WAIT.

    • My question took 6 or 7 weeks to be put on the site bcz they hav a huge amount to get thru. Thats y urs is probably not visible yet

    • Marhaba Mks

      altrough your question was for Wael, hope you'll not mind if i replayed too
      Maybe I get wrong, but you seem upset by slow replay for your post

      from my personal experience into islamic advice's site, I may say, between the moment I've been posting my question till I get first reactions it was passing almost one month. Maybe the redactors avoid to post too many questions in same time, so, each question to have real chancess to be readed and get answers. Franklly, I'm just guessing now, on real i don't know the answer.
      What I'm trying to say now is, if you have to wait a little bit more then you 've been expecting, just do it. Don't think this silance-time is a sign that your question was ignored. And also don't think nobody cares about it. All you need is just a little bit patience.

      As in Quaran is written, each thing will get happening on the moment when Allah ment it to happends. Not later. Not faster.

      peace over you

    • Mks1982, I saw your question about the delay and I replied to it when you posted it. So please so not be rude with us or get upset. Maybe you did not check to see my reply.

      Wael Editor

  3. Little moon-ray Confused soul

    nobody can't take the responsability to decide your future. I meen, nobody from here, from this site. You have to make your own decision, because is your life, your future and you know best what you wish and expect.
    I've been reading your post here, but, on real, we both know your situation is more complicated (as you told about it on my comments area).

    your situation remembers me about one proverb "You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice". (i don't know who sayd it).


  4. salaam
    is that uncle of yours dead now? cuz that would be totaly wierd if he were your mahram, if so, i advise you not
    go through with it , but if he is dead , then go through with it.

  5. Assalam O Alaikum everyone! Thanks for your replies brothers and sisters

    @Brother Wael:)- Sorry, I had a bad day at work and am going through a lot at the same time(I know it doesn't justify my behaviour but please accept my apology) I can understand (being a regular reader, no matter what happens I make sure I sign in at least once a day) how difficult it is for you guys to answer all the questions in time. I have seen there are still 100's of questions in queues unanswered yet, even being posted way before I posted my questions.
    Secondly, you guys are doing a favour to the ummah, it's not only your responsibility to help out everyone (if you are doing, that's a favour to everyone).
    Thirdly, I have not been able to see my question at all on the panel since the day I posted (I mean I can see on my profile) but not in the "categories". So, I have no idea if anyone answered or not etc. So, Brother Wael I will appreciate if you could tell me how can I find my question on the site?(I mean under which category like we have all the questions categorised here Mashallah which is very helpful). Thanks for the reply and I am terribly sorry I sounded rude or harsh, again please forgive me :)-
    @sisters "Aliya25" and "leaf of Cedar"
    Thanks to you both sisters for taking some time out and telling me the obvious reason (which I should have realised/kept in mind even knowing) but it's just I had a bad day so got carried away with that. (That still doesn't justify my action). Secondly, I am fairly new here (though I used to read question/answers here on this site) I didn't know the procedure and thought may be my question got deleted due to not being in a proper format, grammar mistakes, improper sentence sequence or having posted a confused question (sometimes writer don't even understand themselves what to write or how to make clear,easy for people).

    A big thanks to all you brothers and sisters. May Allah bless you all and always shower his blessing on you guys and protect you from all bad things (Amin).

  6. Thanks brother Wael:)-

  7. salam confused soul, leaf of cedar has appropriately commented..

    think about confiding in someone in ur present circumstances about this and ask them their opinion.

    On one hand if your separate the guy from the past deed of his father.. makes sense but then you also have to take note that you will have to live with his father in that home and you have to make sure of his current state of mind, will he repeat this action with your children or has he repented from it all?

    Allah bless you and help you always amin

    wsalam WR WB

  8. salam
    sister what leaf of cedar has said really does make sense and i really do thank her for it...I have already spoken to my sister

    one thing im pretty sure of is that his father has repented....and what you said is really true....if i seperate the guy from his father it does make sense....but i really cant seem to make a solid decision......thats wheree the main problem comes ,...but then i guess thats something thats gonna come with time...My sister said that sometimes a girl just feels hesitant before a proposal...nevertheless...shes told me to get up for tahajjud everynight and to pray to Allah to make the road my life is taking remove all the indecision from my mind
    Jazak Allah Khair
    Walaikumassalam wa barakatuhu

  9. There is no doubt in Islam marriage between cousins is absolutely halal, even if they grew up together as did Ali ra and Fatimah ra. Whether it weakens genetics or not... is a different factor. Allahu Alim what your child will be like, I've seen many cousins marry and have perfectly healthy children MashaAllah. They all kind of look alike, but still healthy MashaAllah 🙂

    However, the issue here also has little to do with his father and a lot to do with what you and Z think. It doesn't help to make a decision about a guy that has a 'slight' idea that you might be considering agreeing to a proposal from him (that he doesn't know about). It is not fair on you, or him. I think you two should openly talk to each other about it, and dicuss the pros and cons. You may find that you two are just doing this to make the family happy but it won't make you happy, so TOGETHER (with his support) you can both say 'no' to the prospect of marriage. On the other hand you may find that deep down you both have a lot of respect for each other and you can yourselves been together, raising a family etc. In which case then InshaAllah may Allah swt bless your family with happiness.. Ameen.

    Marriage is never a solo decision, it comes with serious consequences if you do it for the wrong reasons. No matter who you marry , or who you THINK you're marrying you need to realize that there is no guarantee for success. Effort is a must, disagreements are unavoidable; but from my recent discoveries it's not what couples disagree about it's how they disagree. The most successful/happy marriage are those with the strongest foundation of friendship/respect/honor.

    It's a blessing your aunt is not pushing you and be sure to show your appreciation. She may not be so kind if you just agree to make her happy and then realize that you can't spend the rest of your life with Z. The best thing you can do is be honest with yourself and continue to seek the help of Allah swt InshaAllah.

    All the best sister! May Allah swt give you clarity in your decision..Ameen

    As for your Uncle, Z's father .... what he did was absolutely wrong! He is not mahram to you so avoid being around him. If you and Z decide to get married, then maybe when you feel comfortable then confide in Z, InshaAllah he will be a supportive, loving husband if you two decide on that. If you don't, make sure you set boundries for people (ie excessively keep your distance from your uncle until he gets the point).

    Allah swt Knows Best!

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