Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I can’t make my own choices

sin freedom

Allah(swt) says in the Qur'an 6:162: "Say: "Truly my prayer and my service of sacrifice my life and my death are (all) for Allah the Cherisher of the Worlds"

 Assalam Alaykym brothers and sisters!

I need your advice very badly. A while ago I met a non muslim girl who I befriended and we got along very nicely. Through me she got to know about Islam and she took real liking to it. After a while she said she would convert and we both wanted to get married. Her parents did not want her to convert, but left it to her to decide. We spoke to her father about getting married and he didn't like it" but he said he can't stay in our way. Then I spoke to my father about my intention and he plain refused. He didn't even want to speak to her and rather convinced her dad that we shouldn't get married.

My dad doesn't believe that she will become a good muslim although he never gave her a chance. My father said he will disown me if I pursue with this marriage, so I had to give it up to please my dad. The girl says I betrayed her and she can't believe how someone can be negative about a person coming into the fold of Islam. She's in shambles about the whole thing and the guilt is eating at me.

I'm 26 years old and every decision I make in life has to please my dad or the talk of him disowning me always comes into play. The only time he's happy with me is if I do as he says, but I can't seem to be making any choices on my own and this is breaking me psychologically. I'm aware of the rights parents have over us and that's why I'm doing as he says (even in matters of marriage), but I feel like I'm not my person anymore.

I gave up someone I cared for for the sake of my father's happiness and many major decisions I make must all be according to what my dad thinks is best for me. I don't know what to do anymore, my spirit is crushed more and more and I feel like a kid that has to say yes everytime although I'm 26 and should be able to decide things for myself.

Please help me brothers and sisters, I'm developing such low confidence.


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4 Responses »

  1. As salamu alaykum, Brother,

    May Allah(swt) help and guide us every thought we have, every word we say and every step we take. Ameen.

    This is a tough one, you are a man, you have respected your parents and you have chosen the woman you love to marry. I will explain you something that you will insha´Allah understand.

    Your relationship was haram, dating wasn´t on your list of good deeds then you have to pay for the wrong you have done, in fact you must be an incredible man with a soft heart you are paying instantly for it, masha´Allah, the suffering you have now it is a result of that wrong, your father doesn´t know it but he is acting straight with you, you think he is the source of your suffering with his attitude, he is not, your acts have been, your father is helping you to grow up, he doesn´t know how to make you understand that he wants the best for you, you are already a man and the only way he has to scare you it is to threaten you with losing what is all for you, your family, your roots, understand it and forgive him, he doesn´t know how to do it better.

    Ask for forgiveness, first to Allah(swt), to your father, to the woman you love, to her family and to yourself because I think that you didn´t know you were acting wrong, you sound as a very inocent man.

    Do tawbah sincerely and find Peace inside yourself, if you have the opportunity tell her to do the same and tell her too the right way to approach as muslim man that wants to propose a muslim woman, then stop all contact with her until you get that insha´Allah, your father forgives you and accept that you are a grown up man that loves him dearly, respect him till the marrow of your bones but that won´t give up on his choice of marrying the woman that you have chosen.

    You can do it, brother, this is a test to bring both of you to the straight Path, to build up the foundations of the muslim man that you are called to be, the head of your house, the Imam of your family, you are facing the man that you, insha´Allah will be and you should say good bye to the child you are not going to be anymore, for this Allah(swt) is guiding you, masha´Allah. See the signs and act straight, be loving, respectful and caring to your dad and never under no circumstances speak loud or out of respect, just let him know that you are not any more the child and that you are going to be the man you are called to be, insha´Allah.

    I have repeated myself a couple of times but I want you to have it clear, insha´Allah,you can do it, bless your father because thanks to him, Insha´Allah you will be the man you are called to be, Alhamdulillah.

    If you need to write what you think, the steps to give, do it, give it the time you need to give it, do Istikhara for guidance, pray your salat on time, make dua, have Allah(swt) in your mind, mouth and body all day and don´t desesperate, this moment it is very important to all men, the moment where they are recognized by their family as independant men. One way or the other all the men go through it.

    On top of the page, you have a link on duas, on tawba, on dikhr, on Istikhara, all you need. Practice sports and calm down, I acknowledge you are already working to be who you are called to be, Alhamdulilllah.

    When you feel down, look for refuge on Allah(swt), go deeper in your deen.

    If you want her in your life, go for her, but first of all, get closer to Allah(swt) and look for his forgiveness, guidance, support and comfort.

    María Editor

  2. Assalam oalykum wr wb,
    All the praises onto Allah(swt) and Salam on rasul (pbuh)

    I will speak clearly ,coherently and with proofs.I completely adhere and understand your situation and i hope that you have not committed any sorts of sins elhamdulilah though as the sister said that dating is not allowed. Well u should repent for that Inshallah.

    Secondly your parents have no reason to object to this marriage!
    because she is a muslimah before marriage and she has accepted islam not for the marriage but for the sole intention to enter Islam and to abide on it and a girl needs a wali and i beleive that the parents of the girl will agree inshallah without wali(guardians/parents) marriage is nullified.

    As you all know that man does not require a wali and your father is stubborn without any reason and its completely wrong on his part that he "presume" that she cant be a good muslimah .

    "Inna al-mar'ata tunkahu lideeniha wa maaliha wa jamaaliha fa 'alaika bi dhaati ad-deeni taribat yadaaka."
    "A woman is married for her deen, her wealth or her beauty. You must go for the one with deen, may your hands be in the dust! (if you fail to heed)" Muslim

    In all cases, the woman must consent to the marriage or the marriage can be ruled invalid and its in many authentic hadith that forceful marriage against the will of bride or grooom is nullified .

    Narrated Khansa bint Khidam Al Ansariya "...that her father gave her in marriage when she was a matron and she disliked that marriage. So she went to Allah's Apostle and he declared that marriage invalid." [Sahih Al-Bukhari 7.69]

    "...Her guardian should not make a promise (to somebody to get her married to him) without her knowledge..." [Sahih Al-Bukhari 7.56]

    SO i really suggest you to go and marry her and consult a local imam and ask him to make your father FIRST agree to this hadeeth of rasul sal alalhu alayhi wassalam becuase EVEN IF YOU MARRY WITHOUT UR WALI IT WILL BE VALID AND ACCEPTABLE IN ISLAM BECAUSE the consent of Allah and his rasul (pbuh) is necessary then your fathers which has no base in Islam.

    "Idhaa ataakum man tardhauna deenahu wa khuluqahu fa zawwijoohu. Illaa taf'aloo takun fitnatun fiy al-ardhi wa fasaadun kabeerun."
    "If someone with whose piety and character you are satisfied with comes to you, marry to him. If you do not do so, there will be trials in the earth and a great deal of evil."
    At-Tirmidhi and others and it is hassan.

    walalhu alam bisawab

  3. Marry the girl, she has made a great commitment by reverting to islam and its unfair you abandon her for a invalid reason, prove your father wrong and make her into a good muslim and he will eventually see the error of his ways, of course follow the above advice about repentence.

    May Allah help and guide you insha'Allah.

  4. Son,

    Sometimes in life, we are put into a position where we have to make our own decisions. This is your life and you are going to have to live it.

    When my husband married me, he was met with resistance from those around him. Me...the American, him...the Saudi. He chose to marry me and we have been together for nearly thirty years. We have had our ups and downs like any married couple but we made it when some didn't think we had a chance in hell.

    Perform Istikhara and make your call. As my mother in law said to her son all those years ago... "it's your life, not mine". That from a very old and very wise woman indeed.

    Salam and good luck to you

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