I can’t move on and feel close to losing my sanity, please help
Salaam, I submitted a question earlier on this year
(I committed a great sin & feel dirty, hopeless & betrayed)
and I recieved a lot of good advice. In short it was about how I committed sins with the man I was supposed to marry in the process of getting to know him for marriage, and then eventually he dumped me.
I am finally attempting to get over it, but it has been a very hard journey. I feel terrible thinking that I pushed him away when I was with him because he was very affectionate and I did nothing but resent him, until finally he dumped me. He made a lot of mistakes as well, but I could only focus on his positives, and so many times degraded myself and lost my dignity begging him to take me back and give things another chance.
As ashamed as I am to say this we had a physical relationship at my expense, I did not want it and was clear about this, but he encouraged me and led me to that direction slowly but surely, and by the time I regained my senses it was too late.
My problem is, to this day I am still in touch with him in the hope that he will begin to like me again and marry me. I gave in to my desires and I hate that, and I want him to see and understand that the problems we had were a result of shaytaan and our weaknesses and that we can improve on that, but he has sworn at me, shouted at me, and basically told me to get lost if I ever mention getting back together.
I still cannot help it, I so badly want him to see that we can actually make things work, but both of us need to feel motivated to do this, and ultimately we can both protect each others' honour and strive together to become closer to Allah now that we realise our mistakes. But because of the fact that I chased after him when he dumped me, simply because I felt alone and hopeless, knowing that he had seen me and used me for his pleasure and now easily dumped me as he had had enough.
I basically degraded myself further by becoming needy, and he lost all value for me even though in reality I am not needy at all, nor have I ever let any man touch me. My problem now is, I know he is not worth it, but I cannot get over him. I let him so easily take away my honour, and then lost any remaining dignity I had, and now I am reduced to nothing.
I have turned to Allah, I pray regularly, recite Qur'an, talk to Allah, and even speak to my mum about him but it does not ease the pain and regret of losing my everything for this man, who now wants nothing more to do with me. I am unhappy, how do I realise my self worth again, and get over this, how do I forget him and regain my dignity?
It has been a year, and I am tired. My head feels very heavy, and I am struggling in life because of this. I want him to feel as used and rotten as I do, but he appears happy in life, does not care about me, he has completely changed and I realise that there is no such thing as true love, or else he would not leave me in this state, he knows he has destroyed my peace and well being. He knows I am a decent girl despite what happened with him but he just does not consider me marriage material because he no longer has any respect for me.
I feel very close to losing my sanity, and have honestly forgotten how to smile, or even socialise. I do move on, but I remember certain things he said to me, he even told me that he dreamt about the Prophet pbuh teling him I was a good match for him when he was initially trying to persuade me to marry him, then how can he now become so heartless??
Also what makes things worse is that I now am not getting any decent proposals, no one seems to like me, or if I do get a proposal I have no interest in them, I feel lonely, stuck and unwanted. It feels like my whole life has come to a standstill, I feel sick of living, I would rather die and maybe have some peace. I don't mean to sound ungrateful but at the moment, I feel as though my life is a complete mess and I will never be happy again. What if i never marry? I have prayed so much to Allah and I am trying not to give up hope but so far I have not seen any of my duas coming true.
I am living my life but as a burden I strongly feel that if I discuss what has happened with his family, all the physical things and how he kept motivating me to do wrong, telling me it will become easier if i felt uncomfortable doing something then maybe they will also help me.
What should I do, I know I deserve what has happened but I need help I am not myself anymore, I have lost my sanity, and he doesn't have a care in the world. How should I overcome this, how do I forget this, how do i make him realise my true value. If I do get married I have already cheated on my husband perhaps i don't even deserve happiness.
-confusedpuzzled
Actually forget it , I can't be bothered with life anymore. He wants nothing more to do with me, says he doesn't love me, he can't do anything to help me he wants me to move on, he doesn't have a care in the world about what he has done to me. I'm going to end my life and leave this misery forever. I am making my parents miserable, I keep bugging this guy and I myself am a waste of space, so why live.
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Sister,
The first step to moving on is giving up ALL contact with him. When i say ALL i mean ALL. Do not talk to him, do not beg him, do not speak to him online or with your cell, if you have him on your social networking sites delete him. Delete all his contact information. Make a decision to cut him out of your life & stick with it. Whenever you feel the need to talk to him or you feel as if you keep checking up on him using a different account, stop yourself & talk to someone, read the Quran, do something positive instead to get rid of that urge. Stay patient, you will not die from this, millions of people have dealt with this especially non muslims since dating/physical contact is very common in the west & so is heartbreak. Build a strong support group of muslim sisters to remind you of Allah.
This man clearly does not want anything to do with you & I know you are devastated because you have made the decision to marry him but he decided not to marry you. Sister this happens too commonly, this is why we are not allowed to get in contact with a man, even if we both decide to get married & our families agree on it, unless we do it the Islamic way. I do not want you to feel bad, I just want you to think and reflect on this so you do not make the same mistake again. With time, patience & trust in Allah you will get over him inshAllah.
Do not do anything that will harm yourself because your life is worth more than anything. What you need to do is accept what has happened, learn from it, & continue living your life. You will inshAllah find a good husband who will respect you & not use you and leave you like what this man did. He will have to answer to Allah one day about what he has done, but for you, repent & fix your life. Increase your Iman so you will not have to beg to any man ever again, only beg to ALLAH. You are not this man's slave you are Allah's slave always remember that.
You will have to get over him (which you will insAllah do) before you start developing any feelings for your proposals. Soon you will feel like yourself again & when you do, try to search for good husband yourself since a good husband wont just knock on your door for your hand in marriage. Make sure to do it islamically meaning no contact without a wali, wakeel! You have to have your brother, father, whoever else that is qualified to be your wali next to you when you are talking to him. This way Shaytan does not play any games & you do not get used again. This is also good because you do not develop deep feelings for him by letting your deepest personal information out that you would not normally say if your wali was present, therefore when the man decides not to marry you it will not be as bad.
I will keep you in my prayers & may Allah help you recover from this disease of the heart. Take it as if you are sacrificing your love for Allah & anything that is sacrificed for Allah's sake will not be lost.
I completely agree with strawberryfields. I will not tell you to simply forget this man, since I know that you may never forget him. But what you must do is end all contact with him, permanently. Delete any photos you have of him, throw away any letters, delete his emails and contacts. You may not forget him, but in time you will find that the pain will lessen, and then there will come a magical day when you realize that he's not important to you anymore. It may take a year or even two years, but it will happen, and it will happen even sooner if you make a choice to live an active life. Pursue your own interests, develop some hobbies, study, be physically active, and trust me the time will come when the pain will disappear.
Suicide is not an answer. It's a permanent mistake in response to a temporary problem. Do you think if you commit suicide your pain will be gone? No, that's the mistake of the kuffar who do not believe in Allah. As Muslims we know that suicide is a sin. Immediately when you kill yourself you will be facing the punishment of Allah, which is worse than anything you are dealing with in this life. Immediately you would realize what an enormous mistake you made.
Allah says in the Quran that He does not burden any soul with more than it can bear. Believe in Him, trust Him, believe in His word. Be patient and strong. You can get through this, and you will be a stronger person and a better Muslim because of it.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I agree with brother Wael, you may not forget him but there will be a time when you look back & not feel the pain you are feeling now. I have had too many friends who have gone through seriously being in love with their significant other but after a year or a little bit more they have moved on to someone else. The ones who are still hanging onto the past & are still in love with their boyfriend/girlfriend are the ones who choose to have contact with them either in hopes of getting back together again or to stay as a "friend".
It is very hard to get over someone you had relations with if you keep contact with them. I want to tell that to everyone who are going through this because I have gone through heartbreak myself, spent a whole year talking to him, suffering & wondering why I wasn't still getting over him till I realized that I felt the best when I spent one week without talking to him then when I talked with him again the painful feelings would come back. So I made one of the hardest decision of my life & cut off all contact with him. Alhamdulilah! Now I can honestly say I feel like myself again & I feel free from the guilt of a forbidden relationship, the feelings I had of him has faded to the point where I can think about the past without feeling anything at all. Sometimes I even wonder why I was so in love with him in the first place!
Subhanallah!! Now I will never have another haram relationship ever again! So sister learn from what has happened so it will not happen again. Suicide is something that will not be accepted by Allah. This feeling will pass just like every feeling that we feel. If you want, go to a senior center and look at all the seniors there. There is a good chance that they have gone through what you went through (feeling of heartbreak) & have lost their parents too! How did they get over it? They realized that they have to move on with their lives and that their lives are precious too. Become positive and put your trust in Allah because I found out that by pain & suffering some of our sins are erased. Keep that in mind & know that you are being purified by being patient!
wael
suicide is considered a sin in other religions too -saying kuffars can commit suicide is blindsided.
Eastern religions specify that the soul will not attain salvation and will wander endlessly when a person commits suicide and leaves before their time and role is rightfully completed. Similarly Jews and Christians also condone suicide as against the will of God . Islam being an Abrahamic religion is reinforcing this concept so suicide is not the answer irrespective of kuffar or not.
You being the editor please be a little more careful with your answers as this one is questionable
It's a fact that the highest suicide rates occur in nations like South Korea and Japan, Eastern Europe and Russia. All nations which do not believe in a monotheistic God, or where Communism severely impacted the religious faith of the people.
Anyway I am not saying that anyone "can" commit suicide. I am just saying that a Muslim should not make the mistake of thinking that there are no consequences to suicide in the aakhirah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Communist countries typically have people that do not follow a religion - is that why you think it is ok to call the kuffar?
For the record atheists do not fear death or the consequences after death because they dont believe in a religion and the idea of heaven vs hell so your explanation does not apply to them anyway.
You mentioned above that kuffar is one who does not believe in Allah essentially people of other religions right? My response was in regard to that.
Kuffar means those who do Kufr. Those who do not believe in Allah and in the Meeting with Him.
So they do things which they like in this Kufr and think they will not be answerable for it.
I think Brother Wael is pointing out to the fact that suicide is the mistake of the Kuffar, the disbelievers and a Muslim should not do it, because he/she would be answerable to Allah.
The point is simple.
What other religions believe about suicide is for them.
Lakum deenukum walyadeen - Unto you your religion, unto me my religion.
So you see brother Wael's answer has nothing objectionable or leading to argument.
Aethiest have despaired of the mercy of Allah, so for them is Hell before them and we are not put in charge of them nor in charge of anyone other than our own souls.
Ours is to give the warning, for those who hear it is upon them to pay heed.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Very funny- you say :Lakum deenukum walyadeen - Unto you your religion, unto me my religion.
And then you say disbelievers will go to hell as islam says so; you are invalidating your own statement my friend.
that is the point I was trying to make to Wael too - suicide is not the answer no matter what religion it is and you said it much more eloquently with the phrase above.
Case Rested!!
You're really just repeating my point, without realizing it.
"For the record atheists do not fear death or the consequences after death because they dont believe in a religion and the idea of heaven vs hell."
Exactly. That's what I'm saying, that Muslims do have a religion, do follow Allah's commandments, and do believe in an afterlife, so we must not make the same mistake as the disbelievers who do not believe in consequences after death.
No one "should" commit suicide. It is always a mistake, regardless of one's religion, because it is a short-sighted, drastic course of action that cannot be undone. Also, it has a terrible impact on the loved ones left behind. And for a Muslim, there is the extra incentive of knowing that it is a great sin, forbidden by Islam.
As Munib said, there is no argument here, just a misunderstanding of terminology perhaps.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear Confused
Get a grip on yourself. You want to end your life, hurt your family, loose any chance of entering heaven for someone who doesn't appreciate you?
Who use and disresepected you? You want to have lived sad and continue burning in HELL?
Wake up and smell the cinders!
A suicide doesn't just end it and cease to exist, your soul and body will be roasted in fire which is 1000x more hotter than the worlds fire, for someone who treated you so atrociously?
You know your example is setting the example for this type of man to trample women.
What you should do is ask Allah to punish him. To pray to Allah whom knows that YOU are the betrayed one to give you your justice.
The betrayal of a woman especially a virgin, to seduce and abuse the trust and sanctity of a previously virtuous woman is so heinous and islamically horrendous an act it actually SHAKES the foundations of ALLAHS ARSH (his throne)
What does that tell you? You should glean that what this low life has done is reprehensible in Allahs eyes, and Allah sareeé ilhesaab - Allah the speedy in his punishment.
Men , unscrupulous men by nature like to hunt, these men whom do not have Allah in thier hearts, whom do not fear his reprise, these men whom do not realise that Allah swt can easily have what they have done to others be done onto their sister and daughters. Then they will remember ...ahhhh This is my punishment because I abused ( put your name in) Wallah Allah is just, Wallah Allah is watching.
These men whom are vessels of shaitan feel the rush of the chase, the thrill of the hunt when they bring down a pure woman. Whats the fun is getting an easy catch.
So you and other women reading this, remember do not become a easy meal.
You are a muslim, you are revered and precious, The first person whom entered Islam is a woman the first person whom said alshahada after the Prophet was a woman, the 1st person whom prostrates her brow in prayer.....was a woman.
Allah gave us women great dignity and we have to uphold it. What is hurting is not your perceived 'love'for this man, your sanity is not at risk, although you are understandably hurt, you feel it because you lost your dignity to him, the loss of your invested trust. It is your disillusionment and ache that you didnt think he was using you, when he was, and he still is, he's sadistically reveling in your grief!
Look at him, look at what he did, how he lied and played with your mind, saying that the first time is hard and then you will get comfortable! His words and actions and abuse will dig his grave.
Trust me Allah is swift in his justice.
The good news is you haven't lost your dignity. Its yours, recognise it and reinvest in yourself and Allah.
He is a cancer, he wont change and even if he adopts characteristics to reseduce you, know that he is a bad spirit and bow to Allah in thanks that He saved you from him.
Let your last words to him be Hasbe Allah wanaám alwakeeyl then cut him off and take a leap of FAITH.
Say to Allah all for you.
Then rebuild your faith, you must ask forgiveness , invest your time understanding why this happened
Quran Alshuara
وَمَا أَصَابَكُم مِّن مُّصِيبَةٍ فَبِمَا كَسَبَتْ أَيْدِيكُمْ وَيَعْفُو عَن كَثِيرٍ
Wama asabakum min museebatin fabima kasabat aydeekum wayaAAfoo AAan katheerin
42:30 Whatever misfortune happens to you, is because on the things your hands have wrought, and for many (of them) He grants forgiveness.
Really think about that, misfortunes that befall have occurred from the doings of our own hands. Hard to accept, because the regret is bitter, and you trusted him etc, but it is from your own hands, and THIS is what is upsetting you, not the man, the regret.
But know that Allah loves us to repent
He says that if we do not commit sins and we do not repent He can exchange us with new people whom sin and repent.
Now why is that? Allah wants us to sin? No because he wants us to REPENT.
Our free will is what gets us heaven. This life is not heaven, when we have good we say alhamdulla when we have bad we say alhamdullah. Remember to say Alhamudllah for everything even the pain now say Alhamudilla.
** itha masahu ilshar jazouá wa itha massahu il khair manouáa**
If we are tuched by misfortune we are pained/cringe and if we are touched by good, we are forgetful to give thanks.
Recognize your demons, you have sinned, Allah has removed this stone in your shoe, give thanks.
Recognize your mistakes, it was wrong and a betrayal to Allah, to your parents to yourself to give your trust and more to a man not your husband.
Islam is not staunch or outdated when it comes to protecting us. Allah whom created us understands human nature and when He forbids us to have pre-marital relationships it is for our protection.
Reinvent yourself back into this creed, revert back to your virtuous nature , pray on time , pray the nuwafil , pray two rakaa at night when Allah comes down to our sky, GOD is actually in OUR sky at night, look out your window and feel His presence and awe, He decendes each night and asks
"Is there a repenter for me to forgive, Is there an asker for me to give?"
There you have it, there is no love more beautiful than the love of Allah, ask him and seek his forgiveness.
Trust me Allah will respond and accept your repentance, he will punish this man, and he will give substitute you with someone better.
So what happened to you, to me, to anyone would not happen.
There is no timeline for healing. We are all different. Some people love and quickly get over it, some pine over a lost love forever. I know a few women who are interested in divorced men, only to learn that these men are still in love with their ex-wives. My point in regards to the latter is that we are complex beings with complex emotions.
Obviously, this man, and this experience, had a huge impact on your life. Getting over it in one year is not realistic, and I speak from experience. You've got to just get a grip, as someone above me said, and just keep waiting for the day that it does not hurt as much.
You will never forget him. You will come across situations, people, places, food, and activities that will remind you of him. But someday you will think of him without pain, longing and hope. That "someday" may be next month, next year, or the year after. Its really in God's hands. As long as you are being proactive in your recovery, it will happen eventually.
And I'm wondering if you are truly being proactive. Have you seen a psychologist? Do you exercise? Do you take omega-3's and vitamins, so you maintain your energy levels and the radiance on your face? Do you wake up for Tahajjud and read Istikhara? Do you read articles about moving on? I even saw a lady who does Heilkunst, a homeopathic form of counselling. i don't really believe in that stuff but I knew this lady and I thought, why not? at least she will offer me a perspective on things that perhaps I haven't considered before. I've taken up a new sport that I thought I would never touch.
But still, it hurts every day, and the future seems hopeless, but at least I am being proactive and to be honest, it may even hurt a little less than it did 6 months ago -- Alhamdolilllah.
I know this sounds trite, but no one can help you but yourself. Allah SWT even says in the Quran, that He will not change a people until they change themselves. I know you are trying, please don't think I'm criticizing you. But deep down I really don't think you want to move on, if what you are hoping for is a reunion. If it is destined, then that reunion will happen - with blessings, Isha'Allah - regardless. But you have to move on either way, and no amount of writing in to this website is going to help you unless you make moving on "Your Project". And as others have already told you, you need to cut off contact, and get rid of all reminders, as step one of this Project. Once something goes in the trash, it stays there.
Honestly, dear sister, I know where you are coming from. Please don't doubt that - I know exactly how you feel and how bad the hurt is. I think the difference is that I did not have a physical relationship with the man I lost, and he always treated me with kindness, love and respect -- whereas the man you miss seems like a complete waste of space. I'm sorry to say that to you, but have a little respect for yourself sister. You deserve better. The man I was involved with wasn't even muslim, and he would never, ever have asked me to compromise my Islamic values the way this man convinced you to do so.
I wish you all the best in your Project.
sorry about this. i know this is an Islamic forum but please try reading any of RORI RAYE's e-books/videos she tells practical steps on how to stop making man the center of your life and existence and FOCUS ON YOURSELF. take your eyes OFF this man and PUT THEM ON YOUR SELF. LOVE YOURSELF sister. You desrve more.
take a walk, take a hot bath, use a nice perfume in your privacy, snuggle up and pamper yourself. You deserve better than wasting your time on a man like this. We women need education on how to nurture ourselves. on the day of Al-Qiyam you would stand for YOURSELF not for anyone. Everything you do should be about yourself. Even if you try to please your husband, it should not be bcos of him but because of YOU! becasue you want Allah to be pleased with YOU. PERIOD.I wish I could have a one on one with you. I'm certain you'll feel a whole lot better after a 1 hour session with me by Allah's leave.
Have you not got other things in life that are worth your attention? My dear start seeking to improve yourself spiritually, physically, mentally, financially, etc. This world is full of endless possibilities. why focus so much on ONE thing. its a beautiful world my dear. You need to set clear goals for yourself. know what you want out of this life and go for it. that way when anything or anyone comes your way inlife, you know whether to keep them or let them go. inthe first place if you had clear goals, he wouldnt have been able to deflower you but that's happened and inthe past. FORGET it and move on. tell yourslef you are not perfect and are a mere being.
sometimes Allah allows us to fall into error to remind us of our fallibility. Learn the lessons and forge ahead. Keep telling yourself you deserve better and that your future is full of beautiful things. Your mind is playing games on you. you feel depressed because of all the -ve things you are saying to yourself in your mind
you can also try Farouk's website (http://www.2knowmyself.com/) he's a muslim and his articles have helped me a lot.
My dear, you'll be fine. Simply change the story you tell yourself and most importanly Make DUA. recite Amana Rasul as frequently as you can (last 2 verses of Surah Baqarah)
Salam
Just a quick addition
though its not the best but if you want to get back at this guy, make sure you flourish and look radiant. He'll keep wonderng what's going on your life. The more depressed you are, the more power you are giving to him. He knows he has power over you. and the way to loose this hold over you is to take your happiness right into your hands. ONLY Allah can make you happy. if you rely on HIM for hapiness, He will cause things to happen to you to make you happy. the secret my sister is to SUBMIT to Allah. For me, it took 33 years of emotional pain and sufferring to understand all I have written here. So please shame this guy and put your self in shape mentally and emotionally.
change your diet - eat healthy
exercise
realise this world if JUST a passing place
Understand that what will hit you will NEVER miss you and what will miss you will NEVER hit you. Knowing this deep down will make bearing misfortune a bit easier and would reduce regret. what happened was meant to be. you couldnt have had it anyother way
Nothing comes easy. You have to be strong. Find that strength from Nowhere. From within. From Allah. He is the diposer of affairs. arent you glad to know the 'GUY' who calls the shots? It is Allah who decides ALL things, who makes things happen. Sometimes I wonder why we humans worry so much. You should have a personal relationship with Allah and talk to HIM as you go about your daily duties - not just in SALAT. Make HIM your friend and companion all the time and see how you will glow with happiness, and confidence even if you sometimes feel sad. Infact you should be glad when sad because SADNESS washes away the sins of believers. Allah loves you hence the stress but you know what? It WILL pass. Insha Allah. temporary sadness is far better than the JAHANAM. so praise HIM in all CALAMITIES.
Dear ConfusedPuzzle, Walaykumsalaam,
You may find this article useful:
***
http://islamic-quotes.blogspot.com/2011/02/if-you-are-suffering-from-broken-heart.html
How to get over a brokenheart ~ The Islamic Way
If you are suffering from broken heart syndrome give this a read. May Allah soothe ur bruised hearts and may his remembrance comfort you and May he (swt) bless you with someone who deserves a precious pearl like you ameen summa ameen.
Love is a powerful, compelling emotion. It can make you laugh and it can make you cry. It can lift you up to the clouds and it can hurl you into an abyss. One of the dilemmas Muslims face, especially Muslim sisters, is the situation in which they get to know a prospective spouse and for some reason it does not work out.
This article is not discussing the fiqh behind getting to know your prospective spouse, as it is common for a couple to have a few “halaal” meetings and still fall deeply in love. Rather, this article deals with how to get over someone and moving on after the falling in love stage. After you have decided that this person is the one for you and then due to circumstances - be it parents, finances, etc., the two of you cannot get married. Insha Allah this article will be a guide on how to get over that person and move on with your life.
Step 1: Accepting Allah’s Qadr
This has got to be one of the toughest tests of qadr. Love muddles your mind and when all you see are the good characteristics of someone it is difficult to see why it is not working out, especially if this is your first real love. How can this brother who is practicing his deen, has a nice beard, soft and caring be wrong for me? How can this sister who is attractive, fun and religious not be my perfect partner?
The key concept to remember here is: you do not know someone until you have lived with them for a substantial time. Even that person does not know what they are like and how they will react in certain situations. Just because you have these elated feelings of love does not necessarily mean this is the right person. Marriage is a struggle and people develop themselves and change with the experience. Only Allah knows your compatibility, only Allah knows what situations you will face and your reactions. Only Allah knows whether or not this marriage will bring you closer to Him or distract you from the real purpose in life. It is only Allah who knows. Have trust in Allah that He has made the right choice for you. For no matter how much this person claims their love for you or vice versa, know that no one can love you as much as Allah.
So firstly, make dua to Allah to ease your pain and help you be content with His qadr. The following is my favorite Hadith regarding qadr as it really fills you with the awe of Allah and His infinite wisdom.
“Allah `azza wa jall said: ‘Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by being inflicted with poverty, and were I to enrich him, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by wealth and affluence, and were I to deprive him, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by good health, and were I to make him sick, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by disease and illness, and were I to make him healthy, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he who seeks worship by a certain act but I prevent that from him so that self-amazement does not enter his heart. Certainly, I run the affairs of My slaves by My Knowledge of what is in their hearts. Certainly, I am the All-Knower, All-Aware’.” [Tabarani]
Step 2: Awareness of the love-drug syndrome
An interesting study was conducted comparing drug users to people who claimed to be “madly in love”. They found that brain scans showed people who are in the first stages of love and people who are high on cocaine have the same areas of the brain stimulated while looking at a picture of their “beloved”. In other words, being in the first stage of love is similar to being high on drugs! With drugs, you are not in love with the powder itself – you are in love with the feelings that it gives you.
Similarly, the thing that we love is the special attention, the butterflies in the stomach, the acknowledgment that someone cares about us in a special way, looks at us in a special way, thinks about us in a special way – the constant day dreaming about the future and daily scenarios. So it is not that this person is perfect, it is that this person allows us to feel all these emotions which are addictive. In reality we are not in love with the person, we are in love with Love itself.
Being in love with Love explains how some people overlook major faults in their prospective spouse. I knew a practicing sister who wanted to marry someone who had a drug and alcohol problem. This was because in both cases these “faults” were discovered during the first butterfly phase of love and not before. Alhamdulilah, by the qadr of Allah the marriage did not take place, but it was due to circumstances, not because the sister had realised that they were not a suited match.
Awareness of this love-drug syndrome has two major benefits. Firstly, awareness is power and it breeds hope. Once you are aware that it is the feelings you are attached to, realise you can actually get them elsewhere.
These feelings are not specific to this one person; you will get these feelings with your new, more suitable prospective partner – the one that Allah will put into your life at the right time insha Allah. Love clouds your mind and makes you think that you will not find this strong love and passion with anyone else. But this is simply not true. You will find this love to be even stronger and more passionate with the right person (the one that is written for you in the Lahw al Mahfooz).
The second benefit is knowing that just like a drug-user naturally has withdrawal symptoms when they stop, you too will naturally have withdrawal symptoms, and it will be difficult. Getting over someone is emotionally painful so don’t be too hard on yourself, validate your feelings and allow yourself time to heal. Know that this is common – nearly everyone goes through heartache at some point in their lives, and eventually recover with time.
As a side point: It is not a sin to fall in love; it is a natural emotion which the human species depends on! If you did sin in the process then repent to Allah, He is the Most Forgiving, Most Merciful. Love is a powerful emotion, which is why there are boundaries in Islam. If you have fallen outside those boundaries, repent and move on.
Step 3: Be proactive
Allow yourself time but also get proactive! Marriage is just one of the many aspects of your life; it is not the be all and end all of things. What are your aspirations? What do you want to achieve in your life? Write down a list of goals you want to achieve by the end of the month and get started on them right away. As Muslims, our continuous goal is striving to get closer to Allah, so working on your eman and your relationship with Allah must be included in some way. Focus your attention on moving forward rather than wasting time with something that “could have been”.
Step 4: Move on
In the spirit of being proactive, the last stage is to actively open your heart and mind to someone else. This could be difficult, as naturally comparisons will creep in, but again realise the fact that it has not worked out means that Allah has someone better suited for you. As illustrated in the famous Hadith of the birds:
“If you depend on Allah with due reliance, He would certainly give you provision as He gives it the birds who go forth hungry in the morning and return with a full belly at dusk.” [Tirmidhi]
Allah will provide for you but you have to get up and get moving again. Just like the birds, go out and seek. Make the effort on your part and leave the rest to Allah and His infinite wisdom.
***
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
PS: “Real love means helping each other attain Jannah, not holding each other’s hands walking towards Hellfire"
Salam Sisterz,
I am not able to locate the post you and brothermunir and Sister Maria replied too. I would like to say thank you to each of you. May Allah gives you ajar for all the good deeds. Ameen.
Also, I would like to apologize for writing over there. All I wanted to know was any dua to give me spiritual and mental peace.
I want to know one thing. Please don't get mad if I make a mistake again for asking you question over here. I really loved the article you posted. I just want to know Sisterz how come a person who hurts you and play with your feelings still gets all he/she wished for. I am sorry if I say something really wrong but this question bothers me sometimes how Allah fulfill n grant all their wishes and those people are happy.. While the other ones remain broken hearted. I know we all should be blamed for our own actions and suffer due to the consequences. However, if the person who hurts you and makes you feel like their all work gets done and they are so lucky. How come Allah grant all their wishes? I am really sorry I shouldn't judge Allah's decisions for us. It just sometimes bother me. I hope you understand what I mean and can answer me.
I am once again sorry sister if I am/have offended the forum policies. Please, accept my apologies.
Shukran
Your sister
My dear Sister,
Allah is the Greatest of Planners, HE knows what we do not. All of us will get what we deserve, if not in this life, then in the next. And Allah may forgive us if HE wishes.
Just because someone appears to 'have everything', does not mean they have escaped Alla's Punishment, may HE save us all from this. Just thinking of it frightens me. So we should always seek refuge in Allah's Mercy from His Anger/Punishment.
I think you would feel lighter in your heart if you asked Allah to protect us ALL. Do you really want anyone to suffer His(swt) Wrath?
Remember there is Allah's Divine Wisdom behind everything that happens.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thank you Sister alot for replying me back from your precious time. I already started feeling much better before coming to the post. You are right sister we don't understand or see what Allah knows and see. May Allah(swt) always protect us from evil and forgive us and make our living and akhrat better. Ameen
Sister Faith,
The person who hurt you may enjoy or may remain hurt. Happiness and sadness, laugh and tears are a part of life which come from Allah for reasons He knows best.
38. That no laden one shall bear another's load,
39. And that man hath only that for which be maketh effort,
40. And that his effort will be seen,
41. And afterward be will be repaid for it with fullest payment;
42. And that thy Lord, He is the goal;
43. And that He it is Who maketh laugh, and maketh weep,
44. And that He it is Who giveth death and giveth life;
45. And that He createth the two spouses, the male and the female,
46. From a drop (of seed) when it is poured forth;
47. And that He hath ordained the second bringing forth;
48. And that He it is Who enricheth and contenteth: - Surah Najm
He has revealed to us that life is a test.
I was reading Surah Hajj after Magrib and I was reminded of this post somehow when I came to the below verse:
11. And among mankind is he who worshippeth Allah upon a narrow marge so that if good befalleth him he is content therewith, but if a trial befalleth him, he falleth away utterly. He loseth both the world and the Hereafter. That is the sheer loss.
Sister Faith, your duty as a believer is to worship Allah, seek His forgiveness, Thank Him, Praise Him, Love Him, Adore Him, Fear Him and Call upon Him in good and bad times. Remember His revelations of the Qur'an and if you do so, Insha Allah, you will not feel disheartened, nor will you go astray.
We have to be like the believers who worship Allah in adversity and in ease. Not the ones who call upon Him in adversity and forget Him in ease.
Keep your duty to Allah. The hisaab of the one who hurt you is with Allah.
This is what Allah tells the Prophet (peace be upon him) in Surah Gashiyaa:
21. Remind them, for thou art but a remembrancer,
22. Thou art not at all a warder over them.
23. But whoso is averse and disbelieveth,
24. Allah will punish him with direst punishment.
25. Lo! unto Us is their return
26. And Ours their reckoning.
And further, Allah repeats in the Qur'an to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and through him to all believers to not look at the happiness of the disbelievers, it is for this life, in aakhirah they have nothing.
88. Strain not thine eyes toward that which We cause some wedded pairs among them to enjoy, and be not grieved on their account, and lower thy wing (in tenderness) for the believers.
89. And say: Lo! I, even I, am a plain warner, - Surah Al Hijr.
131. And strain not thine eyes toward that which We cause some wedded pairs among them to enjoy, the flower of the life of the world, that We may try them thereby. The provision of thy Lord is better and more lasting.
132. And enjoin upon thy people worship, and be constant therein. We ask not of thee a provision: We provide for thee. And the sequel is for righteousness. - Surah Taa Haa.
So strain not your eyes sister Faith. The sequel is for righteousness, for At Taqwaa, in benefit are the Saliheen.
So be of the saaliheen Insha Allah Sister Faith and Insha Allah, Allah will bestow upon you rewards in dunya and aakhirah.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Thank you Brother for Couraging words. May Allah bless you and gives you ajar. Ameen
Dear confusedpuzzle,
I pray and hope you feeling well. I know dear it's very hard to get over a heartache. However, sister please try to move on. Why are you crying for the person who doesn't care about you. I know dear it's easy to say den do it. But become strong and show the person you don't care for him and you don't have to be afraid of anything because Allah is with you an he is your shelter, your protection. Insha'Allah, you will find a very loving spouse when it will be your time to get married. It is better to leave all your worries and fear and only fear from Allah not any human being. I asked a brother opinion once on a guy mind. He told me if you chase a guy and show him your weekness they use you more and play with your mind because they find happiness in it. If a guy is sincere and respects you he do anything for your respect.
Dear, stop going around because he won't listen. He finds solace in this.. Seeing you suffering. How sure you can be that your happiness will me with him? Put you heart and trust in Allah and pray to him to guide you to the right path.
I pray for you that you get the best out of everything you deserve. You fond peace and ne happy always and find a husband who is good for you and keep you happy and respect you always.
Wholeheartedly love to you sister
P.s: Sorry for any typos
Dear Sister
I have been reading your story, and I am distressed to hear of this.
In a nutshell:
From this man's behaviour, this man IS NOT WORTHY OF YOU! It appears Allah (swt) has done you a favour in highlighting this man's shortcomings, think of it as a lucky escape!
Do not be ungrateful to Allah's blessing upon you! Sincerely repent and inshallah you will be married one day to the right brother and then you will see how wrong this man was for you in the first place!
(And Allah(swt) knows best)
Salam Sister,
May Allah (swt) gives you more patience and a strong spirit.
As I was reading your post, I realised that you're in the same position as I am. And I feel the need to advise you because no one can give you a better advise than the one who is in the same shoes.
Let me share with you my story.
I was in a relationship with a man for close to 7 years, known him for about 13 years (we were schoolmates). Basically from the time I was 18 to 24 years, my golden years I would say. Now I am 25 going on 26. When I was with him, I lost all my friends and went against my family to be with him. All these people were not happy with my relationship with him because they felt that we're not a good pair. But I loved him crazy and couldn't leave him for anyone, Allah (swt) knows best.
When I became 23, we had a Nikkah but this was without the knowledge of our families. My cousins were my witnesses. We had this Nikkah because of our physical relationship. Like you, I very much regretted having a physical relationship prior to a marriage but we both felt that we are made of each other so we decided to have a Nikkah to legalise our relationship and later we'll have a proper wedding with our family. This was the plan.
After that, I fell sick. On top of that my mood swings were awful and sadly he was always on the receiving end of my moods. And then one day he told me we could never get married officially because his family doesn't like me. To cut the story short, he left me and started talking to another girl. This other girl happens to be my second cousin.
I tried to get him back but he told me that he doesn't love me anymore and we could never be together again and that he has given me Talak.
For a long while I was suicidal. Loving someone with all your heart and then getting dumped and losing everything you've known is so hard. I understand your words and your pain. Like you, I was in constant touch with him and snooping around his facebook seeing him with his new girlfriend. It hurt me so bad and I was wondering how come it's so easy for him to move on but I couldn't do it. I was spiralling down; became even more sick, and I couldn't live a day without thinking about him or crying. In fact I even stopped praying and was living like a dead. Many a time I wanted to cut my wrist but now I thank God I didn't do anything stupid.
About 1 year later I stopped talking to him completely, forced myself not to peek into his facebook and tried to erase him off my mind. I had to do this because I was hurting my parents especially my mom who was seeing how low I went after the breakup. It has definitely helped me a lot to recover so I suggest you do the same. Men's heart can sometimes be hard. Once they have decided to let go, they'll let go. At this point of time, I think you would not like to hear that you have to stop waiting for him to come back but that's the truth.
Something else that helps me is I put all my concentration on starting a business. Today, I keep myself very busy. I am successfully running the business today (Ameen).
I still think about him every single day no doubt but it doesn't hurt. I remember that whatever happens, Allah (swt) knows what is best and right for us. He is happy now and I am happy to see him happy. My family forces me to do an arranged marriage or start dating other men but I can't do that. Allah (swt) will make my heart change, and yours too, Insha Allah.
My only advise to you is, remember that Allah (swt) has given this to you to test your spirits. Love for human should not be greater than love for God and fill your heart with Allah's rememberance. Distract yourself by doing something you love. Maybe your confidence and spirit might make him come back to you. I pray for you that you will find happiness and your husband shall return to you but don't have your hopes high. Always remember that if this is not meant to be, Allah (swt) is waiting to give you a greater boon.
Stay strong Sister! May Allah (swt) bless you.
Assalaamu alaykum,
Family asks to date other men?
I hope sister you know the fitna of dating and pre marital relationships.
Marriage is not a game. If you marriage was indeed a valid one, did he give you talaaq and did you observe the iddah?
Islam is not for child's play. It is to live life for a better aakhirah.
All plans fail, we should leave all matters to Allah and act towards the present matters in the right way, not make plans. What plan can a human make for future when Allah best knows the desinty of His creation?
18. For lo! he did consider; then he planned
19. Destroyed is he, how he planned!
20. Again destroyed is he, how he planned! - Surah Muddathir.
I stopped praying? Yes, many people do and Allah guides whom He wills.
11. And among mankind is he who worshippeth Allah upon a narrow marge so that if good befalleth him he is content therewith, but if a trial befalleth him, he falleth away utterly. He loseth both the world and the Hereafter. That is the sheer loss. - Surah Al Hajj.
Such a beautiful description of human pyschology is given by Allah in Surah Az Zumar:
49. Now when hurt toucheth a man he crieth unto Us, and afterward when We have granted him a boon from Us, he saith: Only by force of knowledge I obtained it. Nay, but it is a test. But most of them know not.
50. Those before them said it, yet (all) that they had earned availed them not;
51. But the evils that they earned smote them; and such of these as do wrong, the evils that they earn will smite them; they cannot escape.
52. Know they not that Allah enlargeth providence for whom He will, and straiteneth it (for whom He will). Lo! herein verily are portents for people who believe.
53. Say: My slaves who have been prodigal to their own hurt! Despair not of the mercy of Allah, Who forgiveth all sins. He is the Forgiving, the Merciful.
And again in Surah Haa Miim Sajdaa:
51. When We show favour unto man, he withdraweth and turneth aside, but when ill toucheth him then he aboundeth in prayer.
52. Bethink you: If it is from Allah and ye reject it Who is further astray than one who is at open feud (with Allah)?
How quickly does man turn to desparation from du'aa and how quickly man turns aisde from worship in abudance to abondonement of prayer?
May Allah guide us all and have mercy, for He is the Best of all who show mercy.
Salaam,
Your brother.
aoa, thank you for your advice and comments. I have moved on from him but am still hurting alot. I have started feeling paranoid and don't trust anyone to the extent where i feel as though my parents don't love me and are plotting against me, but i know i'm wrong. I just feel mentally scarred by him.
Assalamu alaykum Sister,
Shall I tell you something that is the only thing you need since you gained your senses till this moment and until you die?
You need to Read the Qur'an, Understand it, Remember it and Act upon it.
Your other post has 104 responses and this one after my response would Insha Allah have 21 making the total : 125 responses to just two questions.
Don't you think too much advice at one time cannot be grasped nor followed to the fullest?
The Qur'an has the best advices and even it was not revealed at once but over a long period of time.
You need to act now Sister. Not just hear, but act. There will be tonnes of good teachings available around you, but the Guidance of Allah, the Qur'an which He revealed for you, if it is not read, not uderstood, not remembered and not acted upon, what will be the difference between you, a believer and a disbeliever? Could you tell me?
The best advice I can give you is in one line only:
You need to Read the Qur'an, Understand it, Remember it and Act upon it.
The more you lack in this, the more you lag behind in doing it, the more your sufferings in life and may Allah forgive you, but aakhirah is lasting life and more grevious in punishment which is ever lasting too.
Fear Allah, come to His Path, the Path of the Beneficent, Him unto whom belongs the Sovereignty of the heavens and the earth.
Read Surah Baqarah from ayaat 284 onwards Insha Allah and try to grasp the message in them.
May Allah help you.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Brother Munib, I am doing everything possible to overcome this. I pray, I go to work early so that I can sit and read the transalation of the qur'an, i give to charity as much as possible and have made a habit of doing so every month, I try to stay in wudu at all times, I try to pray as many surah's as possible. I don't love him at all, I have nothing but hate for him. If he truly loved me like he stated, there is no way he would be able to swear at me, or let me cry orbe so cold hearted. He has degraded himself in my eyes, he is nothing. But I am angry, why is he happy, he has found another girl and treats me like scum, like I don't exist, like nothing ever happened. Why? Why is it that I am being punished over and over and over again, I have started accepting certian proposals, but why is nothing materialising for me?I know it may not seem like it from my posts, but I am well spoken, have a great career in which I am progressing fast, am trying to follow my faith, have a great family background, good looking, and overall well rounded. My parents are making dua, I am making dua, I am being proactive in finding a spouse, I have taken on board everyones advice and I am focussing on myself physically and mentally so why still is he the one that has found a suitable spouse, and I am lonely? My parents are suffering because of this, they want me to get married and be happy. They are elderly, and I stay as happy as possible in front of them but I can see that they are depressed, worried, anxious and deteriorating in their health because of this. Where is the justice, all the promises he broke, the way he lusted me and lured me to do the things he wanted. Very slowly but cleverly led me down the wrong path, showered me with love. Told me he would always honour and protect me, told me he would treat me as his sisters should be treated, and when he dumped me I reminded him of how he had promised me before anything began that he would treat me like his sisters, and you know what his response was - your not my sister. How each time I tried to cut off contact and end things, he would somehow re-open the lines of communication making me think that perhaps he wanted to marry me after all, until he found someone new and then told me to f*** off, literally. WHY! I know I became weak and I sinned but he took everything away from me and yet he is the one that is happy and I am still suffering. He even had the audacity to lie about seeing the prophet pbuh in a dream who said we were both right for each other and Allahknows that that was one of the initial reasons I decided to pursue things any further, then what happened to that dream, does he have no faith?? I prayed to Allah numerous times and asked to be protected, to be guided to a man that was decent, that would only live for Allah so that he could help me become closer to Allah and so that we could raise a family which would be dedicated to pleasing Allah. I swear to Allah that was my dua, my dua at each step of the way, but then this man came into my life and ruined everything. I feel used and dirty now and have repented but nothing. I know everyone is sick of replying/advising so if you don't want to reply thats fine, but please just do dua for my parents sake, i cannot bear to see them deteriorate becasue of me.
Sister,
Please do not be offended by my reply but I personally think you may need individual therapy to come to terms with all the anger and emotional baggage you are carrying. The point isn’t if he’s happy or not happy without you, the point is he isn’t suitable for you. Him being happy or not has nothing to do with this. How do you know that down the road he might not hit a road block and suffer while at that point you may have moved on be happily integrated in your life again?
My point here is that you need to let go of him entirely. Do not ponder over revenge, justice, good or bad. This is not in your hands but in the hands of Allah swt. He sees all and He will do justice when He knows is the right time. I remember commenting on your previous post that it’s best you change your number and finish contact with this guy but it seems as though you didn’t heed my advice. My dear sis, you need to read, accept and follow our advices if you want to see changes in your life. The whole world can advise you but if you don’t listen and accept it then what’s the use?
I was in a similar situation like you a few months a go and although I am still healing, I’ve stopped thinking or revenge or justice. You know what I did? When he dumped me I literally went cold turkey on him: I changed all my contact information so he could never contact me again and guess what, he didn’t. At least now I know that he was never worth me to begin with. At this point, after the emotional clouds have dispersed I have realized how life without him is better. I was performing well academically, then he came in my life, and I went downhill from there. I lost a year of my education because of that freak. Now that he’s out of my life alhumdulillah I’m doing even better than before in my education. You know why sis?: because I’ve decided to set my priorities straight and focus on myself and not on him.
I miss him at times and cry sometimes over what he’s put me through but you know what at least I’m out of his mess. I no longer am worried where he is, if he’s lying to me or not, will he marry me or not, etc. I’m free of his abuse.
You want him to get punished but sometimes people don’t get compensated right away for their deeds, it takes time. But that’s not the point; the point is that you need to focus on you now and the reason why I have suggested individual therapy is because I see that after so many posts you are still oscillating between justice and anger. These feelings are absolutely normal but their severity is supposed to decrease over time, not remain constant. From your posts I feel like you’ve placed high expectations on yourself and always thought you were a strong female who couldn’t be diverted off track but you came to realize otherwise. My dear, we are all humans and no matter how strong we may be there is always one thing or another that brings out our vulnerability. What you need to do is accept reality for the way it is.
This guy was with you for some time, you committed some sins, and then he left you and moved on.
Now, either you can sit here for another year, two years, etc and contemplate on why he did what he did, will he punished or not, etc
Or
You can change perspectives and say okay, I sinned although I thought of myself as someone strong and this guy left me and moved on. Clearly he didn’t love me and I’m glad I found out now as opposed to after marriage.
I mean honestly do you think he’d keep you happy after marriage? You really need to evaluate what true companionship and happiness is about. I know as females we get emotionally attached but this at the same time we have the ability to move on also—it takes time but it’s not impossible.
Lastly, you state:
I prayed to Allah numerous times and asked to be protected, to be guided to a man that was decent, that would only live for Allah so that he could help me become closer to Allah and so that we could raise a family which would be dedicated to pleasing Allah. I swear to Allah that was my dua, my dua at each step of the way, but then this man came into my life and ruined everything.
I think Allah swt fulfilled this duaa of yours but in His own way. He wanted to show you reality first and then take away the fitnah that came in your life so you realize the true value of companionship and love when the right person (husband) comes into your life. You need to start thinking optimistically, there are people who are in far worse positions and have been even more used and abused, yet they have moved on. Thank Allah swt as things could have been worse and please for your own sanity, cut all communication with him or else no one will be able to help you.
-Helping Sister
Another important point I’d like to add (that I just remembered right now) is in regards to the proposals you are receiving. Sometimes our reactions drive people away from us so although you are receiving proposals, it is evident (through your posts) that you have still not healed from your past relationship. Until you don’t accept that things are over and work on healing yourself, it may be that your negative feelings or inability to be optimistic may be driving off these proposals. Or the right person has yet to come and this is just a selection process that many people undergo when finding a suitable partner. Because you are on your lows right now, you probably feel that things aren’t working out and you aren’t able to find the right man, but rest assured it takes time to find a suitable partner and many people experience rejection (or reject proposals themselves) so this is absolutely normal.
But before you undergo this selection process, I highly suggest that you take care of the emotional baggage you are experiencing (through therapy) as you do not want to carry it into your new relationship—your marriage.
I also remember you informing us a while back that you were taking anti-depressant medication. If you still are, I highly suggest that you also undergo therapy as anti-depressants only deal with the imbalances of the neurotransmitters in the brain. While this is happening you have to find a solution for the environmental stressor (your break up) that has resulted in this chemical imbalance. What I’m basically trying to say is, medication itself does help eliminate the issue, therapy is also required so that you are combating both the biological (chemical imbalance in the brain) and psychological (relationship break-up—which has resulted in maladaptive thinking) cause. Otherwise, as you can see, there will hardly be any progress or improvement.
-Helping Sister
Typo:
What I’m basically trying to say is, medication itself does NOT help eliminate the issue, therapy is also required so that you are combating both the biological (chemical imbalance in the brain) and psychological (relationship break-up—which has resulted in maladaptive thinking) cause.
It seems to me that you are NOT being punished over and over. You have a good job, and, you are getting proposals. If you are getting proposals, then eventually you will meet someone with whom you will click.
I agree with Helping Sister, you should seek out intensive counselling.
I know how it feels when a man you love moves on. But seriously, hold your head high, despite the pain. What are your options? You can seethe over the fact that he has found someone else, but what is the point?
Everyone has their own destiny, sister. The fact that he found someone else was written in his destiny -- it has nothing to do with you and whether God is punishing you. Maybe he will go on to have a couple of kids, and you will have none. Maybe he will be blissfully happy, and you won't be. But that will have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with what God has written for each of us. Insha'Allah, you will have your kids too, and you will be happy some day - perhaps you will have a wonderful destiny as well.
But I really think you need to get away from thinking about revenge, and about how he has it all and you have nothing, etc. It has only been a year - give it some more time and also seek out a counsellor right away.
Also, sister, can I be really frank with you? A lot of people have given you advice on this website, and you haven't really taken it. I'm sorry to say that, but it is what I have observed. You need some tough love in response to your "woe is me" attitude. Sometimes our destiny lies in our own hands. Again, I'm not judging you because I know exactly what you are going through and I have my dark, sad moments still, after a y ear, myself. But please, you are allowing to adopt a victim mentality. Its time to start living again.
Hey !!! I am here and answering you and sisters are responding to you too. Who says we are tired of you or responding to you.
Even if it be a thousand responses, Insha Allah, we will keep on writing to you. But everyone feels that you need to act and this is what they feel from your posts may be if they see in reality your efforts may be they and I myself would change our opinions.
Do not be sad. Sister, I understand what you are going through and you have described things very well. I believe you must be good in communication skills too as you describe details clearly in your posts.
Sister, I think we need to listen to you and instead of giving advices to you. Sometimes we just can't forget someone and we don't need to try too hard to do so. All we have to do is keep "Sabr". No matter what happens, do not lose Sabr, the moment you lost it, you may do something terribly awful.
Sister, I also understand your point regarding proposals coming your way. Trust me, it is all from Allah. Is this not a sign from Allah?
When He wills He may unite people when He wills, even 100 proposals would come your way and you wouldn't get going with one. This shows clearly that "du'aa works" not " actions without du'aa". So keep praying and Allah is the All Wise, All Knowing.
Sister I want you to write to us daily, before work or after work, put down your words, whatsoever is in your heart pour it down here as much as you wish. I seriously think we need to listen to you.
Insha Allah I hope you will do what you think is write. You seem to be a confident woman and Alhamdulillaah some shook that confidence but Alhamdulillaah I can feel it is coming back, so do not let those bad memories put you down. May Allah help you with strength.
You something amazes me about Allah and how we lack trust in Him:
When Allah created all things and is Himself not created
Allah created the heavens and the earth and no one knows the date, billions and billions of years and how much length is a human life of " 70/80 years " in front of those billions of years of age of Allah's creation? Is our life worth even 1 second in front of that?
If Allah can take care and preserve them, is He not able to preserve you and care for you? Subhaan Allah, Allah verily is Able to do all things.
In this earth there are billions and billions of micro organisms, in seas the creatures Allah has put, on the land the cattle and the beasts and the birds and humans, who provides for them? Who has written their destiny? Allah alone.
Can there be any doubt about Allah?
Verily He is Able. Allah is Able to do what He wills. He only says " Be" and it is. Command belongs to Allah only. So trust Him Sister and leave all your matters to Him.
If He can do all that, would He forget about our marriage or that we need a good companion or ask for one? Never. Allah does not forget, instead He is aware of what is in the minds of people, He is aware of the deserts of every soul.
Sister, please write down to us, at least I am here to listen to you and am sure many more of your brothers and sisters wish to listen to you.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Sorry for typing errors.
* Right - not write
* Someone shook - not some shook
@ Sister Questioner,
Assalaamu alaykum, I wanted to write this, but Shaytaan caused me to forget twice:
Seeing the Prophet in dream saying you are right for each other.
Never be fooled by Shaytaan in this way. The Prophet passed away like others before him. He was just a Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) who delivered the Messages of Allah (of whatever Allah willed to reveal to him) by revelation.
Whatsoever knowledge he had, he did not with hold it, he passed it on to people. Because he was a Messenger and the duty of the Messenger is only to "convey" the Message as Allah commands Him to do.
Seeing him in dream?
How can he be sure he saw the Prophet and not shaytaan in disguise?
How can the Prophet know who is "good for whom" when he has passed away 1400 years back?
Moreover, this is the matter of ghaib, or unseen, a futuristic matter of which only Allah has knowledge.
This is an important aspect to know that it is indeed Shaytaan and not the Prophet. He has nothing to do with the matters of the world after him. He is totally "baree" or "free" from all that people ascribe in his name of what he has himself not said or done.
I had a dream a few months back where a man in turban and white dress was shown to me and a voice told me, he is your Prophet. He was surrounded by a group of people and he was laughing and mocking at others in a cunning way.
I immediately realized that our Prophet could not be like this, this is none but Shaytaan doing whispers. Alhamdulillaah.
So never be fooled by such people and such ideas. We have not seen the Messenger of Allah and Insha Allah we hope to see him the Day of Qiyamah and hope to enter Jannah along with him and other believers, Insha Allah.
There have been plenty of claims in the Indian sub continent from the Ulema and other people claiming to have seen the Prophet advising them on wordly matters and most of their dreams were satisfying there disers and personal agenda. The Prophet is already free from such people and all that they ascribe in his name.
And Allah will punish the wrong doers.
Salaam,
Your brother.
As Brother, correct me if I am wrong but has it not been widely reported that the Shaitaan can imitate living beings in dreams except the Prophet (peace be upon him) ??
Shaytaan may come in dream in any form and say I am Allah?
Subhaan Allah, would we believe it?
Similarly a lot of Christians see they saw "Jesus" in their dream coming and give them good news.
A fact is simple, they have nothing to do with worldly matters after them.
117. I spake unto them only that which Thou commandedst me, (saying) : Worship Allah, my Lord and your Lord. I was a witness of them while I dwelt among them, and when Thou tookest me Thou wast the Watcher over them. Thou art Witness over all things. - Surah Al Maidah.
You know recently in this week itself, I had a dream and I could easily pick up Shaytaan's whispers in it by a small thing I picked up when I woke up.
In the dream something happened on 16th August and people said it is Pakistan's independence day but in fact Pakistan's independence day is on 14th August.
So Allah tells the truth, Shaytaan lies and gets caught if Allah wills.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Article on seeing Prophet(s) in dream
http://www.islamicawakening.com/viewarticle.php?articleID=408
Ok, I will try to seek out a counseller, I had stopped taking the anti-depressants as I did not want to become dependent on them. I know what I am doing is wrong, but I had actually genuinely loved him and to have him ignore and hate me is the worst feeling in the world, but it makes me realise that he was not sincere and was just desperate to marry perhaps due to his age? I have sinned and I have repented, I know Allah swt forgives and will inshaAllah one day have mercy on me and I will become like I was before carefree and happy. Just wanted one last piece of advice, I feel as though my head will burst, I want to talk to my mum and tell her everything - I will spare her the details but I want her to know that he used me, because to this day I have covered his sin and made him look goodin front of my family. I also want to call his mum and tell her, I don't know why I want to do this but I just don't want him to get away with it - now that I think back I am sure he must have done this to other girls but to a lesser extent, or with their happiness? I just feel if I can talk to my mum, I wil be able to find some peace? I have never done anything to upset, or dishnour my paretns, except for this.
Assalamu alaykum Sister,
Your speaking to anyone about it would hardly matter as you were a part of sin and not forced in to sin. It would bring bad name to you if it spreads from any person of the family to outsiders.
In general terms, it does not matter, but when a marriage proposal would come, people usually like to spice up things and put hurdles in someone's marriage getting through, unfortunately, these people call themselves "Muslims" too.
So yes, keep quite and forgive. Seek forgiveness of Allah, as I told you in my post, read the Qur'an repeatedly, every time I read it, I see my life, your life, other people's lives, the world in it and I see the Qur'an in the world. Alhamdulillaah it is becoming my sight. Use it to cure your blindness as well sister. We are blind when we obey Shaytaan, but we are Seers when we remember Allah's guidance.
201. Lo! those who ward off (evil), when a glamour from the devil troubleth them, they do but remember (Allah's guidance) and behold them seers! - Surah Al A'raaf
As I said before, try to understand the Qur'an, we think we read and understood, but the depth is great and it's always a feeling of ecstacy when tears come on realization of truth, mistakes of past and mercy of Allah despite us being sinners.
Ask Allah to ease your way for you.
Salaam,
Your brother.
I suggest that you let it go sister. Why not leave justice and revenge up to Allah swt as he can best avenge you? And brother muniib is right, by exposing his sin you’re exposing yourself also as you weren’t forced to an extent that you could not say no. In addition, it is commanded by Allah swt that we conceal our sins so would it make sense to expose someone else? By exposing yourself you’re just going to hurt his and your family, people who are innocent and shouldn’t be hurt due to both of your haram actions.
So it’s best to just let it be and move forward with your life. Sometimes when I read your post I can’t help but wonder if you underwent what I did how would you react? If I can let go of seeking revenge for what my ex did to me then you most definitely can also. My ex not only used me but said so many lies about me to my family and caused a huge family fight, not to mention I lost one of my closest friend in that process. So please people have been through worse and have grasped onto their emotions, I know you can do it also, inshAllah.
-Helping Sister
Sister, let it go. Move on. If you really believe that your mother will be ok with hearing about how this man used you, then tell her -- mothers can be our best friends and help us heal. But only do this if you are 100% sure she will not be hurt, too. Forget about everything else, forget about telling his mother and sister.
To be blunt, you will come across as the "crazy ex-girlfriend." I know that sounds harsh, but that is how you will be perceived.
Let it go. Move on.
Sister Confused
I recently came across this dua in Arabic, its obviously a contemporary dua individually written.
I used a translator but had to adjust some parts . You will get this jist, its quite a powerful, i've left some parts out because the original dua is actually more stern than the one below.
But I think this may just give your heart some solice because I can see that you was justice to badly:-
Dua of the oppressed to oppressor – The oppressed prayer is always answered –
Oh Allah I (your name) and so and so (the persons name) are your slaves, Both our brows/fate is in your hands.
You know our ‘outsides’ and what we store, what we conceal and our what is known, you knoweth our intentions, as nothing is hidden from your knowledge, and we cannot escape you.
The oppressor cannot enjoy his power (over yours Allah) and his soldiers cannot oppose you, you are aware of where ever he goes, and you are able to/overpower him wherever he flees. What is to become of us whom are oppressed, when we are oppressed, and the dependant of us, the hurt/wounded, has none other than you (Allah)to comes back to, and we beseech only(you Allah) when those whom we beseeched let us down, and we call unto you(Allah) when the one whom used to support us (go), and we knock only your door(Allah) when doors (of whom we had hopes in) close their doors to us.
You (Allah) know what has befallen us even before we ask To you (Allah) we thank, oh hearer, oh seer oh Kind/praised oh Mighty (Allah)
O Allah knower of destiny, and your judgement is final, and your will is done in all your creations. Those whom are happy and those whom are sad
(oh Allah) you have given (faajer) wrong doer of them (name the one whom has oppressed you) power over me and he has oppressed and hurt me with this power, and he has taken baqey(sadistic joy in oppressing/subjugating me) with the strength that you (Allah) authorized him with, he has (tajabbar) abused/compelled me with (heights) that you enhanced him with, and he has taken stride in your (gifts) and your patients with him.
For he has (intentionally) beguiled me (vindictively) and I have exhausted my patients (sabr) towards him.
And he has deliberately (evoked onto me) which has weakened me hence I can no loner tolerate it, and I cannot be victorious due to my weakness no more able to win it for twice, and I am unable to settle (with the one whom has oppressed me) because of my subjugated state, So therefore I submit myself (and trust) to you (oh Allah) and I submit his case with him (the one whom oppressed me) unto you too (oh Allah), and I bear unto you (Allah) his punishment and the forewarning of your smite,
Regardless he (the oppressor) continued in his aggression, and didn’t cease his tyranny (onto me) daring you Oh Allah! And therefore he (the oppressor/wrong doer of me) has exposed himself to your (Allah’s) wrath, the wrath that befalls (as promised unto) the wrongdoers/oppressors.
Here I am, Oh Allah, wretched in his hands, oppressed & subjugated under his authority. Domineered and anxious aggravated and afraid, my patience narrowed and my strength diminished; all is blocked except unto you, all is closed on me except you (your wall/way) to lean and I know not how to push away his (the oppressors) wrong doing towards me, and I have been confused with how to rid myself of (his, the oppression) wrongdoing unto me.
You Allah are my destination and my guided path guides me only to you.
Thus I return to you my Lord humble humility, for there is no salvation except with you, and no end but to you. I await your promise of justice and the answer to my dua (my calling unto you Ya Allah) For you (Allah ) have said and what you say is ‘alhaq’ (the truth) a decree that will not be changed. For you have said Ya Allah, make dua (Call on Me will respond to you), and I am doing what you Allah, have ordered me to do, peace and blessings upon Sayidna Mohammed, Answer my prayers Oh Allah whom never breaks His promise.
And I know, O Lord, that you one day take revenge when the wrongdoer for the oppressed, and I believe that you have time to take it from the usurper of the usurped. The stubborn cannot outrun you nor free himself of your grip, but my terror and petrifaction have aged my patience waiting for your patient. It is your ability over me, Oh Allah, above all abilities, and your Authority over all authorities, and the return of all returns to you no matter how much you have been tolerant with them. And the return of all transgressors is inevitably. Your patients with (the name of whom has harmed you) is caused me disheartenment if it were not for my faith and trust in the certainty of promise Oh Allah.
So if it is in your will and your all encompassing descision/fate that he (the one whom has oppressed me) repents and regrets, or that he (the oppressor) ceases to oppress me and/or undo what he did (the evil he had done to me) and changes the massive damage he has done unto me, I pray Praise be to Sayidna Mohammed, and sign it in his heart, Ameen Ameen I beseech thee (Allah) now before before removing from me your graces.
And if however it is in Your knowledge Oh Allah that he (the one whom oppressed me) will not repent, regret nor repair. Then based upon his transgressions/oppression upon me, I beseech thee (Oh Allah) the justifier of all the oppressed to answer my call: Praise be to Sayidna Mohammed: Take from him a Just and strong smite and show him your wrath while in his slumber, The surprise of The Victor (Allah), and strip from him his grace and authority, and strip from him his numbers and associates, and tear his mulk and dominance, remove from him the world which he loves and wane from him all the graces you have bestowed him, the graces which he took for granted when he oppressed and tyrannized your humble subject.
Remove from him the gown of authority, which he did not reciprocate with kindness, and divide in him all that he has divided in others. Oh Avenger (Ya Jabbar) destroy him and amputate from him his life, amputate his word not heard and his line not known and extinguish his fire and darken his day and take his ‘nafs’ and crumble his strength and break in him what he has broken in others.
For you are Allah and you're more powerful than him and all the oppressors, praise be to Allah.
- An Oppressed prayer is an answered prayer Inshallah
-
Salaam, thank you for the dua. Maybe one day I will be happy again. He's lucky, he messed around with me and then moved onto someone new. No harm done. Me, I have developed a pessimistic attitude, am severly depressed, work in a high pressure work environment and with my head so screwed up am afraid of making a fatal mistake. Have lost weight, hate socialsing, can't even smile. Currently, I am beginning to lose faith, I feel llike taking my hijab off and becoming fashionable - it seems all those girls who dress up, don't wear a hijab, are happy. Everything is going right for them, people respect them. Then there is me, I know I am not ugly, but recently I have tried online site to find a spouse, and after showingmuch interest in my profile, people suddenly lose contact with me when they see my picture, lol, maybe I am ugly afterall, or they will initiate contact and then all of a sudden tell me their not interested, have changed their mind without even having a conversation with me. Something isn't right, my whole life is falling apart. Something just isn't right. I have been depressed over the jerk, but I have kept a brave face for everyone at home/friends/proposals but nothing is materalisins, I feel like I will be unhappy my entire life. This is a feeling alien to me prior to all of this happening. To be honest I don't think he was the problem, I was - it must be me, there is something wrong with me. I am going to disappear from everyone now I'm not right, goodbye.
ConfusedPuzzle,
Have you ever thought, that perhaps Allah has something else in store for you? Why do you think that everything that does not work the way you want means that your life is going down the drain? You are making the effort. Allah is taking certain things from you, perhaps there is hidden Wisdom in this that you are not aware of. Allah knows more than we do.
Sometimes things don't work the way we want and it can really hurt and be disappointing. It can take time to move away from that vision of that future we have planned in our minds, but if we keep reminding ourselves that Allah has some Greater Planned for us, it gives us comfort.
As for the way you are feeling, I can guarantee you that removing your hijaab and going 'fashionable', will not change the way you feel inside, in fact it will make you feel worse for taking ten steps down instead of up. I went through a horrid phase some years back where I too felt like ripping my hijaab off, I felt suffocated, I wanted to let my hair down and feel beautiful, but deep down I knew that I'd be going backwards instead of forwards by doing that. So my beloved Allah helped me to persist in wearing it and now I would and could never think of removing it - it is part of me and my identity of which I am proud Alhumdulillah.
The truth is that real beauty comes from inside our hearts. When you are at peace with and obedient to your Creator, this will be reflected in your behaviour, your health and your external appearance. True beauty is in showing patience in times of adversity, in respecting your body by covering it, in submitting to Allah by obeying His(swt) Laws, by accepting that we do not know everything - leaving outcomes of our efforts to Allah, in or gentle and positive speech and tone of voice. My sister, 'SMILE' - Allah takes away from you and at the same time HE(swt) gives to you too. Let Him take care of you, open your heart to Him through letting go of your past and by accepting Him.
With regards to online marriage websites, I personally do not believe in posting photos. I find them misleading and they leave one open to vulnerability. Before you go spouse hunting, find happiness in yourself first Sister, this will speak more than any photo you post. A beautiful, confident and good hearted character/personality stands out like a single shining star in a dark cloudy night; a pretty face alone is just that: 'a pretty face'.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I just need Allah to give me something I want very easily, without having to work for it, without waiting for it. I really just need Allah to do that for me. For the last few years, I have been getting through life, bearing any disappointments with patience, but have continued to work hard, put on a brave face and forget about any disappointments. It was hard for a while, seeing my friends have everything they wanted, easily, then there was me having to take the long route for everything. Now, with everything that has happened, I really can't bear it anymore, I really need Allah to just right now right here give me what I want, without any waits. I feel like Allah has removed His mercy from me. I am leading a double life, with my family on one side seeing me 'happy' and then when I am alone, where I will lose my sanity. I feel so trapped and unwanted. I NEED HELP, please do dua for me I swear on my life I cannot take any more disappointments, I just can't do it.
Sister, grow up. You sound like a child throwing a tantrum. "Give me what I want now now now!" It doesn't work that way. Life is full of challenges and difficulties, not only for you but for every human being alive. You say your friends have everything they wanted. I doubt it very much. Did it ever occur to you that if you are putting on a brave face and a smile to cover your pain, maybe your friends sometimes do the same? Every human being is dealing with disappointment of some kind, every human being is fighting an inner battle. Not only you.
A guy used you and dumped you. It's unfortunate but it happened, and now it's done. It's time to let go. See a counselor or therapist weekly. Talk it out. Find a way to move forward.
Stop looking at what you do not have, and start focusing on what you do have. You are more blessed than 99% of the world's population. Just a moment ago I was browsing BBC news and I saw a photo of a man in Kenya digging a grave to bury his four year old son who died of dehydration due to drought. A Muslim man, by the way. SubhanAllah. Then I come here to this site and hear you, who have been blessed with intelligence, a good job, and good looks, wailing about wanting Allah to give you what you want right now... I don't know what to say.
I don't mean to be harsh or cruel. But all our sympathies and soft words seem not to have helped at all, and I think you need a wake up call. Get a grip, sister. Your life has not ended, nor are you being punished. You are the one punishing yourself.
If you want something better then earn it. Make it happen. Allah helps those who help themselves. "Surely Allah does not change the condition of a people until they change what is within themselves."
Make a choice, and live your life. Enough self-pity already.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Hmm ConfusedPuzzle,
I have to agree with Wael on this one. You are losing all sanity and common sense and behaving quite irrationally.
Sometimes we have to make really tough decisions. For you, your decision needs to be this:
'I need to let go of my past. I need to accept that a guy I loved treated my poorly. I also need to accept that I wronged my own soul more than this guy wronged me. I also need to re-connect with Allah, because it is my forgetting Allah that actually led me to sin.'
Furthermore: 'I must change myself, I must define my Muslim Identity. I have everything, my life, my deen, intelligence, health, wealth, family, friends, beauty, a home, food, clothing - I actually have everything - SubhaanAllah! Any ailment I have is a not a tangible one, it is a spiritual one, one of the heart and inshaAllah I will work on improving my connection with Allah and by being grateful to Him for everything He has given me and saved me from.'
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Overall I agree with Wael's sentiments, but it was a harsh delivery.
I've been, and oftentimes still am, in this person's position, and sometimes we can't just snap out of the hurt. It will go away in its own time. I agree that we have to take control of our own situation in order to move forward, but perhaps this girl just isn't there yet. Being harsh with her and blaming her for her own frailty isn't going to accomplish that.
Sorry, I just wanted to put in my two cents worth, since I've been hurt just as badly as she has in the past. It takes a lot of time and work to get past it; not everyone can rise to the task.
Dear Precious Star,
I am sure Br Wael meant well. Sometimes we need a firm reminder aswell as the gentle comforting words. Allah does the same in the Quran, He advises us gently and at the same time has made sure to give us firm stark reminders aswell.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Subhanallah i was thinking the same thing and just looking at thoses same pictures from kenya you saw on the bbc site, sister get a hold of yourself if you keep this up you will lose the plot and over what "a man"
Confusedpuzzle,
I have to agree with all advice given here by Wael and the other ladies. While I completely understand the pain you are suffering, you cannot fall apart over something that was obviously not willed for you. I am a Christian, but we have similar belief systems and in my belief system, we feel God has a path written out for us as well. It is very hard to be resigned to the will of God at times, but He is all knowing and He will turn all the bad into good, you just have to be patient.
I recently lost my Muslim boyfriend, whom I loved more than anyone, to an arranged marriage and it has been very difficult. However, I have let go, I am traveling, spending time with family and friends, and concentrating on my future and my faith. Whenever I get down, I say my prayers of thanks to God for all that He has given me. I live in a great country, I have freedom, I can put a roof over my head, pay my bills, I have running water and electricity, clothes on my back, a loving family, friends, and I realize how blessed I truly am. Wael is right, just read the news about countries all over the world who live in terrible conditions and you will realize that while your heart is broken, you have so much else going for you. I read through your posts with alarm at how it seems to be getting tougher for you and not easier. My dear lady, please let go of the hate and forgive him...that is the only way your heart will be free. I am not saying it is easy and it definitely will take time, but one day, you will realize that you are healing. He will pay one day, before Allah or something else will happen to him in life. It is true, that the bad you do will be repaid and the good you do will also be repaid. Which do you choose at this moment in time? Do you want revenge, or do you want to be the bigger person, forgive, and have peace? I hope all the best for you and may your healing be speedy.
Dear ConfusedPuzzled please read this story carefully
L & M – A true Story
Once upon a time there was a girl called ‘L’. ‘L’ was a simple girl, a hardworking, happy go lucky girl, a girl who lived for her family and friends. Those who knew her, liked her because she had a likable personality, she had integrity. She was honest and caring. She had a lot to live for.
As she continued on the path called life, in the quest to find mr Right, not mr Perfect but mr Right; someone like her, a good clean heart, a hard worker and a credible person. She didn’t want someone good looking nor someone with a bank balance, she wasn’t greedy or materialistic. All she wanted was love and happiness.
That journey took her to a guy called ‘M’. As she got to know ‘M’ over a period of a year, she quickly dismissed ‘M’ because she soon realized they were worlds part, in their thinking and behavior etc. ‘M’ wanted his woman to stay at home and not work, as he could provide for both. But ‘L’ worked all her life. ‘L’ was independent. ‘L’ had to be independent because she came from a poor family.
It was soon apparent that they weren’t compatible. But ‘M’ wasn’t taking no for an answer and continued to pursue ‘L’. Sending ‘L’ chocolates and teddies to her workplace and convinced ‘L’ that his ways of thinking has changed. So ‘L’ gave in and finally agreed to meet ‘M’.
Then ‘L’s life turned upside down and her family was destroyed. At the time, ‘L’ gave ‘M’ the chance to walk away from her; ‘L’ said to ‘M’, ‘if you want to leave me because I have no family then go now and I won’t hold anything against you’. To which, ‘M’ replied ‘I am not going anywhere. I am in love with you’. And ‘M’ promised to stay beside ‘L’ with or without family. At this point ‘L’ realized she was falling for ‘M’.
The more ‘L’ met with ‘M’, the more she started liking him; ‘M’ became her world despite her family situation, she found happiness again, in ‘M’. But just when things were looking up for ‘L’, ‘M’ rapes ‘L’. The day was Eid; ‘M’ had got carried away and lost control. This shattered ‘L’s world even more but she had to accept what happened as ‘M’s mistake and ‘M’ was very sorry and still maintained he loved ‘L’ and wanted to marry her. Thinking everything will eventually work out and because they loved each other, that they’ll soon get married and everything would be ok and on that basis, ‘L’ forgave ‘M’.
Two and a half months later, ‘M’ says to ‘L’, that he can’t take their relationship any further offering no reason or explanation as to why? He says this via text and just a couple of days before ‘L’s birthday. ‘L’ is shocked, devastated and confused that someone can do this to her, to another human being in such a cold and heartless manner. ‘L’ tried to contact ‘M’ for some answers but ‘M’ won’t return her calls, messages nor see her face to face. He disappeared for good.
‘L’ is left wondering why? Why it happened to her? Why did he pursue her? Why didn’t he leave her when she was going through the rough time with her family? Why did he rape her? Why did he finish with her? And why did he finish with her 2 days before her birthday? With so many unanswered questions and the pain and the anguish ‘L’ was going through was unbearable. The manner, in which ‘M’ treated and behaved with ‘L’, was unimaginable and ruthless.
For months now, it was eating ‘L’ up inside as to what happened to her, to the point where she couldn’t cope anymore; she had nothing to live for. ‘M’ left ‘L’ to die. He showed her no mercy. And his wish came true. ‘L’ is now dead.
--Thats the story of 'L' but she didnt die, she survived and I will tell you how she survived and how she got through this and how she lived to tell the tale in the follow up post, inshaAllah.
Banu,
Wow, I'm impressed! I think once your story is complete, it will have a profoundly positive affect on ConfusedPuzzle inshAllah!
I eagerly await part 2! :0)
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Banu,
your post brought tears to my eyes. I just don't have the right words to express what I feel but all I can say is, I know exactly how L must have felt.
I am also eagerly awaiting for Part 2 of this story inshAllah. Please keep us posted.
-Helping Sister
As Salamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatu,
L & M is a true story; it’s a reality and it happened to me. So sis, I know exactly what you are going through because I have been there myself and I survived and you too will survive and you will come out of it stronger and better, inshaAllah. The only way I survived and lived to tell the tale is by two things: I sought refuge in Allah (swt) and secondly I gave it time.
What happened to me changed me forever and for the better.
When this happened to me I wasn’t particularly religious even though my faith was strong, I didn’t know enough about my Deen and so I was questioning why it happened to me and why is Allah (swt) punishing me, not knowing that by saying all this I was making Allah (swt) angry because I was questioning his actions. I was the type of person to not even hurt a fly yet another human could behave so brutally towards me was unimaginable and thus my religious journey began. And I have found out the following which helped me to heal as I was completely a broken person when I was going through all this. InshaAllah these words will become words of comfort and hope for you and will help you with the healing process inshaAllah:
Whatever happens to us is the decree of Allah (swt) written in the “al-Lauh al-Mafuz” or the preserved tablet and no one has access to the preserved tablet except Allah (swt). Our lives were pre-destined 50,000 years before the heavens and the earth were created. Hence nothing can change the outcome and therefore we can only hope for the future and be thankful for the past. The only thing that can change the course of events is Duas. Duas is very powerful tool. When a servant makes a dua to his Lord, Allah (swt) is shy to turn them away empty handed so he either; grants them what they desire provided it’s in their interest and if he doesn’t grant it, then he delays it till when the time is right or if he doesn’t give it, then in its place he gives something better. Hence if you loved this guy so much, despite what he did to you yet it didn’t end in marriage then Allah (swt) truly knows what’s best and in its place he will give you something far better inshaAllah. Also it might help to read the story of Musa and Khidr, as the lessons from this story is very much applicable to our lives today.
http://www.bhatkallys.com/article/article.asp?aid=3190
--"No calamity befalls on the earth or in yourselves but it is inscribed in the Book of Decrees-before We bring it into existence." [Surah Al-Hadid – Ayah 22].
--The pen has dried, the pages have been lifted: all events that shall come to pass have already been written.
--"Nothing shall ever happen to us except what Allah (swt) has ordained for us." [Surah At-Taubah – Ayah 51.]
--The Prophet (pbuh) said: 'Whoever Allah (swt) wishes good for, He inflicts him (with hardship).' [at-Tirmidhi]
That’s why when calamity befalls us, do not feel overwhelmed by it because Allah (swt) has decreed these to happen and the decisions are His, and His alone. When we truly believe in this, we shall be rewarded well and our sins shall be atoned for it.
http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/showthread.php?t=11340
Also our beloved Prophet (pbuh) used to seek forgiveness 70-100 times a day so what makes us infallible?
Allah (swt) forbid injustice for himself and so he told his servants not to be unjust towards one another. So all the injustices that’s happening around us, is down to our own doing.
And sis, you are not being punished, because Allah (swt) is closest to those whose hearts are breaking.
And Allah (swt) doesn’t burden you with what you can’t bear. What has befallen you is not going to pass you by.
When Allah (swt) intends good for someone he washes away their sins and makes them learn about the Deen. SubhaanAllah, sis this is exactly what you are going through…this insanity feeling that you’re going through…it’s his way of washing away your sins and making you pure again and by you turning to religion for answers, is his way of making you learn about the Deen. Allah (swt) is the most perfect of planners.
When this happened to me a year and half ago with no reason or explanation whatsoever—I was devastated and confused, I just needed to know the reasons? What did I do wrong? What were my faults that he abandoned me they way he did. For six months I was in total despair, I was losing my sanity and many times I just wanted to end it all and twice came very close to the edge to just finishing it all. It was the darkest period in my life, I forgotten how to smile, how to live. My siblings saw what I was going through even though they didn’t know the full story, so they couldn’t fully understand the emotional state that I was in. Even my work colleagues just didn’t know what to say to me as no one knew what had happened. I had lost a lot of weight, I didn’t have any appetite and I was suffering nightmares. For almost a year I would cry myself to sleep, wake up from sleep crying; I was in agony and the emotional pain would be so excruciating and unbearable at times. And when the tears start, they just wouldn’t stop. In short for a year I was like a dead person walking and to make it worse I would re-live the memories every single day, I would torture myself by doing that.
I could have let it over take me and swallow me up, had I let it, if it weren’t for Allah (swt) I wouldn’t be standing here today, Allhamdulillah. Thus my journey to recovery started by tawbah I went and performed umrah, Allhamdulillah. So sis, first and foremost repent, because Allah (swt) loves those who repent and do good. Then I searched for answers to explain for what I was going through and that was by reading religious books, researched online, attended religious seminars and generally keeping my so busy because if I left any idle time I would torture myself with memories, so I kept myself preoccupied all the time. I increased my worship i.e, extra prayers, fasts, constant dhikr- this is light on the tongue and the effects of this, is heavy on the heart. And also make duas—I made constant dua for the pain to go away and subhaanAllah, although I still think about him each and every day the pain is no longer there, Allhamudlullah.
Also like brother Munib said read the Qur’an; I re-learnt tajweed so that I could recite the Qur’an properly and when you recite that Qur’an, all your cares in the world are forgotten in its beauty of the Qur’an and the recitation; The Qur’an is a healer, the heart finds peace in it and yours will too. And I found all my answers in the Qur’an. Allhamdulilah, I am also learning the Arabic language so that I can understand the Qur’an and become closer to Allah (swt), inshaAllah.
Also sis, don’t give into your nafs; it’s the shaytaan deceiving you and showing you that those who are not Islamic are leading happier and better lives but don’t be deceived by this sis, this is just shaytaan playing with your mind. You just have to keep fighting that feeling and keep the shaytaan at bay because the shaytaan will always try to lead you astray—don’t let it and seek refuge in Allah (swt) every time you get such thoughts and soon you will see that this feeling will also go away inshaAllah. But I know what you mean by seeing others who are not so Islamic are leading happier lives etc. This too was a constant battle between my good angles and the shaytaan but Allhamdulillah I managed to suppress those evil thoughts that tried to lead me astray again.
To summarise sis:
1. Repent- And I would highly recommend that you perform umrah, inshaAllah
2. Increase your ibaadah – increase salah, duas, dhikr
3. Recite and understand the Qur’an and you will see the difference
When you have total faith in Allah (swt) and become totally dependent on him you will see that he is the most merciful and most kind and this life is a gift and a test from him. In essence our purpose in life is to worship him and when you realize this and have taqwa in your heart you will have tasted the sweetest of imaan.
As for this guy who did what he did to you, he is not invincible he too will be answerable for his actions for no one is above Allah (swt) and hope for his sake that he realizes his mistakes and seeks forgiveness, here on earth because the repercussions in Qiyamah will be a million times brutal. So although he may be happy with another this is not going to last because he forgets that this life is but a blink of an eye and our eternal life is the Hereafter.
Lastly sis, you go to Allah (swt) walking and he will come to you, running.
Also please forgive me for the long post and if I have said anything out of turn, for my intentions are pure and if I misquoted any hadiths may Allah (swt) forgive me.
Fee amanillah sis.
Walaikum Assalaam
Banu
Banu,
That was excellent MaashAllah!
You have used so many relevant hadiths and ayahs and the reminder of Musa(as) and Khidr is very poignant. We think we know everything, but we actually know very little.
I am sure your words will have and will give alot of comfort to many inshaAllah.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Banu-
I am speechless after reading your story, and was so happy to read that you have found peace and your faith being even stronger. Though I am not Muslim, I know enough about the religion through my friends to know how comforting Islam is. I am so inspired about how you turned to Allah for answers and never gave up. As a result, you are stronger and will be able to inspire others now and in the future which is a wonderful gift. In my latest disappointment, I've also turned to God (I am Christian) and cling to Him in a way I never have in the past. The peace is priceless. There is such freedom in knowing you are doing the right thing and living as you are willed to do. Peace to you and may many blessings come your way.
Sister Banu,
I want to thank you for this amazing post. Alhamdulilah! You speak the truth! This is exactly what comes into my mind whenever things get too hard for me. My faith increased Alhamdulilah & I have started to get more involved in Islam after my heartbreak. Even though I repent, I feel as if Allah has given me this major test to make me fall inlove with Islam. Even though I have sinned & felt guilt, I now look back & am thankful for the experience that grew me closer to Allah. I know in my heart that if this did not happen to me then I would have been the old me, completely lost in this world & searching for love to fill in the emptiness inside me that now Allah has filled by my belief in Him.
Thank you so much, I can only imagine how many other sisters you have helped by your strong words. May Allah grant you, all those who have wrote on this page, & all the Muslim sisters in this world righteous husbands who will love Allah with all his heart & soul and who will treat you will love & respect that each & everyone of you deserve. Ameen.
Assalamualaikum ,
Thank you sO very much for this post. It brought pain and tears to my eyes.
It's inspiring and gives hope to loads out there.
The same went with me and all thanks to Allah(swt) , this website, it's editors and all you peoLe that I came back to my life.
My broken heart brought me near to Islam and Allah (swt)
I will pray for you and Inshallah..
Salam my dear sisters ,
I am really sorry for writing just a few lines as I was cooking for my dad who is really ill..
Hope you sisters in my Deen will understand . And also hope it isn't rude..thanks once again and forgive me..
Masaalam..
Dear Muslim Sister,
May Allah give your father relief, good health, strong eemaan and long life in which to become nearer to Him(swt), aameen.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thank you so very much for your prayers Sister Z..
May Allah bless you with all the happiness and strong Imaan in this world and the hereafter..
Masaalam..
I also want to give dua for your father. May He give him peace, happiness, long life, good health & a strong Iman just as SisterZ have mentioned. And may you receive the same. Ameen.
Assalamualaikum,
Thank you so much Strawberryfields .
Same prayers goes from my heart to you.
May Allah bless you with all haPpiness and strong faith in this world and the hereafter. Ameen
Masaalam
JazakAllahu khairan and Ameen.
May Allah (swt) guides us all on the sira'tal musta'qeem and let us not be amongst those that Allah (swt) misguides. For those that Allah (swt) misguides, none can guide and for those that Allah (swt) guides, none can misguide.
And please, please, sister confusedpuzzled, please heed my words; there is light at the end of the tunnel and although you may not see it now, when you get through this phase, which you will inshaAllah and you come out of it a far better and stronger person and you will look back in hindsight and say 'Allhamdulillah'.
We all face different trials and tribulations in life and we all deal with them differently. But thing to remember is Alhamdulillaahi ala kulli haal, there is not a single Rasool of Allah (swt) who did not face a fitnaah; we just have to take heed from the way they dealt with it.
And remember what doesnt break you, makes you stronger and Allah (swt) alone will help you get through this traumatic time, you just need put your faith in him, have tawwakul in Allah (swt) and strive in his path; this is your own personal jihad by striving in his path. Allah (swt) says 'Remember me and I will remember you'. And waAllahi, I bear witness to all of the above.
BarakAllah fik.
Banu -Only requesting your duas and please forgive me for any shortcomings in my posts.
salam, thank you all for your comments, I have now completely finished all contact with him because this is what he wants and what I need. When I had previously finished contact with him he would always find a way to re-connect, I guess he did this until he started a relationship with someone new. Anyway, I am forcing myself to live my life, smile, socialise, turn to Allah. Am taking part in charity work, I feel like I have alot to give. I am still deeply hurting and have low self esteem but at least I am doing something positive. You ladies are all so amazing, mashaAllah, so strong and inspirational. I can't thank you enough for sharing your expereinces with me, it has given me hope, but I am still weak. I just wondered how you were able to forgive him and overcome the fact that he used you? I keep remembering how he promised me that he had sisters, and that he would always value and honour me like he would his sisters, but when his sincerity was tested he literally told me to f*** off and said I wasn't his sister. He said this all very recently, so I guess it will take some time to leave my mind.
Asalamoalaikum dear sister,
I’m glad to hear that you are slowly yet surely starting to accept that things are over for good. Yes it will hurt and you may be in the dumps for some time but these feelings fluctuate. Some days it may feel that you’re fine and actually healing pretty fast and the very next day you’ll feel no progress. This process is normal and for some people it takes more time (it is also taking me a lot of time moving on from my ex). You ask in your first post:
I just wondered how you were able to forgive him and overcome the fact that he used you? I keep remembering how he promised me that he had sisters, and that he would always value and honour me like he would his sisters, but when his sincerity was tested he literally told me to f*** off and said I wasn't his sister.
To be honest, I still haven’t forgiven my ex. It’s been 6 months since my break up and initially I wanted my ex to be in so much pain and suffer and those feelings remained for a good 3-4 months—they still do sometimes (especially when I’m very upset, my heart automatically says I’ll never forgive him), but the difference now is that I have stopped thinking about it. I have stopped expecting that he will get punished and that I’ll find out one day. What I have realized is that by thinking this way I’m only causing myself to suffer, he isn’t suffering. He dumped me when I needed him the most. My family found out about him and made it clear that they weren’t going to support my haram relationship and that I must end it. When I told him this, he accused my family of trying to brainwash and manipulate me and that I must fight for our love. When I fought in front of my whole family and they agreed (with the condition that we either have an engagement or (preferably) a nikah) and I asked him to bring his family over, he dumped me the very next day through text message. He didn’t even bother breaking up with me through the phone or even face to face. I was devastated and looked like a fool in front of my family. I was shattered. This guy took so much from me but now I’ve realized that he never loved me to begin with. He was only using me for his convenience and for school work (I did a few of his assignments for him—pretty pathetic I know -__-).
He also made me sin for which I am immensely guilty and regret every single day. I feel like he took such a huge part of me but I’ve realized that he probably doesn’t even think of me and has moved on (just like your fiancé) so why am I torturing myself for a douche like him? Does he deserve to be in my mind after all he put me through? Heck, he should be the one suffering not I because I was genuine but he wasn’t. So when I think this way, I motivate myself to move forward no matter how hard it may be. Also, my ex was not only verbally and emotionally abusive, he was physically abusive too. Despite all this I loved him with all my heart because my perception of love was distorted—I believed that if you love someone with all your heart, you can change them but now I realize that you can’t change anyone, especially someone who doesn’t love you in the first place. You can only change yourself. Also, once abuse is introduced in a relationship, love is out of the window—no ifs, ands or buts, especially physical abuse. Love and abuse do not coexist and whoever believes that if you abuse someone you still love them is absolutely incorrect.
You don’t have to forgive your fiancé if you don’t want to, that’s your prerogative. But what you should do is let go of the thought of revenge and justice and just focus on yourself. Allah swt sees all and He even feels your pain. A family member of mine went to the mosque the other day and attended a lecture. He told old me something very insightful that he heard there. He claimed that the sheikh in the mosque said: when you do anything haram (eat haram—pork, drink alcohol, live off of interest, hurt others, go to the club, commit zina, etc) one way or another it comes back to you. Maybe not right away but years down the road something or another will happen that will remind you of the sin you committed and then one realizes the enormity of their sin. So whenever I think of my ex and justice and revenge I think of what my family member told me. He will get punished for what he did to me but when the time is right and because he’s so warped in the head with his haram lifestyle, he will definitely hit rock bottom.
What I suggest is that you focus on yourself and let this man go. Let him mess up his life further, he will get what’s coming to him soon enough. Don’t ever contact him again no matter how upset you may be, he doesn’t deserve to know that you still feel for him. I never returned back to my ex because there is no way I’m going to make him feel that I’m desperate. He isn’t some king or prince that he should feel special. He left me and I respectfully left from his life—he got what he asked for, it’s as simple as that. I wont degrade myself for someone who treats my family and I like trash.
We aren’t toys my dear sis that anyone can come use us, play with us and then get tired and throw us away and find another “toy” to play with. We are humans and we have self-respect and dignity and no one has a right to play with our feelings. It’s our duty to protect ourselves from such vile men who prey on his and can sniff our vulnerability from miles away. They have only one thing on their agenda and once they get it, they’re out the door chasing another vulnerable female—it’s all about the excitement and the hunt.
Stay strong dear sis
-Helping Sister
Its awful how selfish these men are, but you know what really bothers me, this guy that I am describing was disrespectful with regards to leading me into haraam, asking me personal questions, delaying or breaking his promises and saying certian other things which were uncalled for, but he was also very considerate, he would arrange meetings with my brother off his own back, call my parents, call me, visit me off his own back etc I could see that he genuinely wanted to marry me. But it was his family who took very litle interest, and this raised doubts in my parents mind, and then in mine. And then over time, all the other things started developing e.g. hw started becoming more physical even though he knew I didn't like it, stopped doing things that he said he would, starting becoming more and more distant - but I don't blame him for this becausse I was taking too long to make a final decision, its just that each time I would make a decision he would say or do something to make me re-assess everything. But then when I did try to end things with him, he would talk me out of it and things would carry on. I think I remember him saying once, when he was breaking up with me, that he thought I was leading him on - but I wasn't, I wanted him to be decent with me, listen to me, do the things that he had promised me and I made this clear to him, but he refused to listen most times - he just wanted me to keep telling him I loved him, be all lovey dovey with him etc, but I wanted to talk about the practical aspect of marriage which he hardly ever wanted. I remind myself though that when at the end I said I wanted to marry him, I lost my pride, dignity everything to convince him that I loved him and would do anything to make him happy he dismissed it, and used me to move on and then cut off all contact with me when he had found someone new. I also remember that when he had decided and made up his mind about ending things with me, we met up by chance and again he tried to become physical with me, again disrespecting me this time with no intention to marry me. Perhaps there is something wrong with me, but despite everything, even to this day I still love him and I believe everything that happened was because of misunderstandings and if I had agreed to marry him when he wanted it things may have been different. It would have saved me from alot of sin, and he would have respected me for it. I don't know why I feel so guilty.
I don't mean to be harsh, Confused/Puzzled, honestly I don't. Its just that despite saying you are trying very hard to move on, you keep ruminating over all the details of this relationship. I think you have received some really good advice on this post and the previous one you posted, and personally I think it is totally OKAY for you to keep asking for advice about any difficulties you have in moving on and in implementing the advice you receive. Trust me on this one, I have been hurt too, although not in the same way you have -- the man you "love" (or more precisly, remain "attached" to) was a complete jerk and used you; thankfully that was not my experience.
But really sister, you keep posting all the finite details of how he treated you, yet you say you are moving on. I understand the urge to keep ruminating about it and wanting feedback on the relationship itself - but it will serve no purpose at this stage, none whatsoever, because it is over.
Unless you stop doing this, you will never move on. At this stage, it does not matter what he said or did, it does not matter what his family said or did -- none of that matters anymore. You should be focusing on YOU, and your own healing and the steps you need to heal. Re-living the details of his errant behaviour will not accomplish that. The next time you have an urge to write a descriptive post about the relationship and about him/his family, stop yourself. Go ahead and write, but, not about him and the relationship. You will never get out of this cycle otherwise.
I agree and I think it's time to close this post. We have many questions pending. There are a lot of people out there who need advice, so let's devote some of our attention to them Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam sister ‘confusedpuzzled’
Allhamdulillah, you have ceased contact with this person; that’s the first step in letting go of the past and looking forward to the future. And mashaAllah you have taken up charity work; initially I had a lot of anger and was ridden with guilt and I just wanted to vent the anger out somehow and charity was the best way to do this because when you see the less fortunate, you start forgetting about your own worries or that your problems are miniscule compared to theirs. Also you are healing yourself by helping others, not to mention earning abundant rewards and coming closer to Allah (swt) .
"They ask you (O Muhammad) what they should spend in charity. Say: 'Whatever you spend with a good heart, give it to parents, relatives, orphans, the helpless, and travellers in need. Whatever good you do, God is aware of it.'" - The Holy Quran, 2:215
In reference to “valuing sisters”; these are mere words sis, and don’t hold weight unless put into action. For example, ‘M’ said to me that I had a “rotten soul” when he abandoned me without reason, it was the most horrible words anyone could ever say to me and that too coming from him; someone I truly loved and after my family, all I had was him, so my whole life depended on him and when he said those words, it was soul destroying and took me a very long to realise, no I didn’t I have a bad soul, it is wasn’t me, it was him; a person who could treat another person in the manner that he did, cold, heartless and callous, doesn’t even have a soul.
It’s not what he did but it’s the manner he did it in, because a few months after abandoning me, I found out that he married another. Whether he was with this other person whilst he was with me..Allahu alam, Allah (swt) knows best. But had he told me the truth when I was asking the questions -that he loved someone else and wanted to get married to that person; I would have happily let him go and would have given him my blessings because all I wanted was the truth.
So it’s not what he did, it’s the manner he did this all in, that I found very difficult to forgive initially but inshaAllah I have forgiven him but Allah (swt) knows best and is the better judge of my heart. And sis, forgiveness is a trait of the strong, so if you’re able to forgive this person, then not only will Allah (swt) elevate your status but he will not question you for others' actions and subhaanAllah what better time to forgive as we are coming up to the month of magfirath, the month of Allah (swt), the month of Ramadan.
“Show mercy to those who are on earth so that the One Who is in heaven will show mercy to you.” –Tirmidhi
So sis, keep your chin up, keep doing what your doing and continue to strive in Allah's (swt) path and you will see the rahma of Allah (swt), inshaAllah.
In hadith Qudsi the Prophet (saw) reported that Allah (swt) says “...My servant does not come closer to Me with anything more dear to Me than that which I made obligatory upon him. My servant keeps coming closer to Me with more voluntary deeds, until I love him. When I love him, I become His ear by which he hears, his eyes by which he sees, his hand by which he holds and his foot by which he walks. If he asks Me anything I shall give him. If he seeks My protection I shall grant him protection” (Bukhari 6021)
Fee amanillah sis,
Walaikum Assalaam
Banu
Salaam sister ‘Muslim’
My duas for your father; may Allah (swt) give him hidayat, grant him a long and healthy life and may he naseeb jannatul firduous, inshaAllah Ameen.
Fee amanillah sis,
Walaikum Assalaam
Banu
Thank you. I actually feel alot better than I have in the last year, I am actually starting to live my life again and feel a little happier, why should I sacrifice my life for someone that does not care about me. I just hope it is all up hill from here and I continue to grow closer to Allah swt rather than fluctuate again. I was just thinking today, that sometimes when a person is all bad it makes it easier to accept it and move on from him. I believe in this case I found it difficult because I feel I was also at fault, because I could see initially that he was desperate to marry me, but I kept prolonging things - I knew I loved him but something just did not feel right, I could not bring myself to say yes and it did not help when he broke his promise to give up a bad habit, my one and only condition for marriage right from the beginning, which he agreed to! A lack of involvement from his parents also made things worse, my mum did not feel at ease as she did not feel that his family truly wanted the marriage to take place as they showed a very superficial interest which was always instigated by the guy himself, and I think that influenced my decision too. I know I also hurt him by not agreeing to marry him straightaway, but I remember him swearing at me, in passing in a very casual manner in the very intial stages of communication when I asked him if he had been working on giving up the bad habit. He apologised for this, and showed me ALOT of attention/gifts and I actually blamed myself for him swearing, I felt I had annoyed him by continously askinghim to work on giving up his bad habit. He would also ask me deeply personal questions that perhaps even a husband may feel shy asking his wife, e.g. if I was menstruating and certain other questions, which I do not want to repeat here.These questions were out of the blue, and I felt sickened and offended by them, and would cry in front of him telling him I felt disrespected, but he told me he would become my husband and it would all be ok, and when he asked about menstruating he said he wanted to ensure that he was taking care of my emotional needs. This was the point where I cut off communication with him, ignoring all his messages and calls, but he did not give up and came back into my life, told me he loved me and could not live without me etc etc. His bad habits remained though, along with his dirty mind and I became a part of it, I regret it so much. He was the way he was, he dragged me down with him, but I feel like it was my fault. Many times I tried to talk to him, but he was the type of guy that would start talking very dominantly, and did not give me the opportunity to say my piece and it drove me crazy. But then on the other hand, he did alot of things that were very considerate and the type of qualtiies I would love to see in my husband and to this day although he has hurt me immensely, I regret hurting him too, because he had potential to become a man of great character. Perhaps if I was stronger I could have helped him increase his iman, and protected myself from losing my dignity and honour. Iguess if he truly loved me the way he said he did, he would not have left me, he knew how hurt I was and how unwell I became because of what happened, but he did not want me back becasue he felt I only wanted things to work out because of all the physical things that had happened. He wanted me to move on withsomeone else and did not feel he could make me happy. Sorry for the long details, I guess if I could turn back the clock, or if he could have a softer heart, we could really repent together and have a happy life together. Everyone makes mistakes, but after making those mistakes we both did have a chance together but he was not interested, and the more I tried to convince him the more offensive and disrespectful he became. Life is so strange, I would not have dreamt of any of this happening, before he came into my life I honestly did not have a single sinful intention in my mind. I am going to try and learn from this experience, and inshaAllah one day Allah swt will hear my dua and I will marry and be able to love and be loved in a halal manner, and I pray that all other sisters that have been through a similar expereince will also expereince true love. I just feel a bit empty.
Assalam O Alaikum sister confusedpuzzled,
It's nice to hear that you are improving insha Allah and getting better day by day. I just wanted to tell you that decision you made of leaving him was the BEST THING YOU DID in your life and it saved you from a lifetime of misery and un-happiness. However, I don't understand that after over 100 replies from brothers and sisters (under both posts) and you yourself admitting that he was not a good man; still you say that; YOU THINK THAT YOU MADE A FEW MISTAKES BY NOT TREATING HIM RIGHT. Seriously sister?
Sister, to let you know that a few days ago I was reading a post where a sheikh was asked to reply to a question about this love/relationship before marriage in the light of Quran and Sunnah. I remember in the comments section there was a sister who wrote that her Wali once advised her that do not accept a guy who tells you before marriage that "he loves you". Because, not only it's haram but also it leads to so many problems before and after marriage. This sister is married now Alhamdullilah and is happy in her marriage and she wrote in her comments that her husband never said anything which could be dis-respectful toward a woman. Now compare this with the man who asked you about all those personal details; you still think he was a man of good character? Someone who you could build a family home with? Who knows how many girls he has hurt before; you fell for his plans?
Yes, help improving one's character is good but from your post and replies I can't see there was an iota of improvement he made yet he was controlling/dominating. Also, your approach wasn't right either even your intentions were noble Masha Allah. He did all this because you were good/soft natured person and also you were kind of clinging onto him; which made him feel like "He is everything and more like your oxygen to breath-in to live". Am I right sister? Now please stop blaming yourself for all the good that happened to you. Yes, it was good for your soul, personality, character and self-respect. One more thing, in future never ever cry in front of a guy (who you are considering for marriage) no matter what ever happens. It simply shows that you are a weak person thus giving them an opportunity to treat you in their own ways.
Please take a look on this forum and see there are sisters who in worst than what you have to deal with. You can take therapy but may I suggest something? You have to take first step which is to tell yourself that; WHAT HAPPENED TO ME WAS NOT MY FAULT, IN FACT IT WAS A BLESSING IN DISGUISE. Allah (swt) saved you from a possible manipulator/controlling person who may not have stopped his haram activities even after marrying you. What would you have done then sister? How many sisters married guys hoping that they are going to help their future husband but ended up divorcing them because their bad habits even worsened after marriage. No matter how many people advice you to move on writing hundreds and hundreds of pieces of advice but nothing is going to help until you stop blaming yourself and realise that he has left you for good.
I will request you take Sister Banu's advice and do what she is doing Masha Allah which is to help other sisters who are going through or have gone through something similar.
A good thing to start from will be to advise this sister in below post who has gone through something similar a few months ago. In this way not only you will heal yourself but Allah will reward you for helping others Insha Allah.
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/controlling-and-abusive-boyfriend-ruined-my-life-4/
May Allah heal your pain and suffering and help you realise that what has happened was for you good Alhamdullilah. Connect with Allah and thank him as much as you can for his blessings upon you.
Wasalam,
Muhammad1982.
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
Thank you for your answer. Can I just say, I feel so happy right now that even though I didn't realise it Allah actually protected mefrom him, and from being damaged permanently - I really hope this feeling lasts I havent felt this way in ages!! It took me a very very long time, and I know I annoyed everyone with my negativity, but it is all starting to make sense. I am not completely back to normal yet, but I feel like I am getting there. Your right, towards the end I became very clingy to him, and he knew I loved him like crazy and I think thats the point where he perhaps lost interest in me because there was no challenge, he got me but no longer wanted to marry me, by this time he had lost respect for me. I think he enjoyed chasing after me, pursuing me, trying to make me fall for him, because if he truly loved or better yet respected me there is no way he would leave, especially after everything that had happened. He knew how devastated I was and I know that he also was aware of the fact that I was pure before meeting him. I just really wish I had maintained my dignity and honour, I exposed myself to him, cryed in front of him, begged him, chased after him and in return he told me I was a good laugh but he did not want to marry me, tellign me to leave him alone. If he was a man of good character, no matter what happened he would not have told me to f*** off, that was horrible, especially since I had not sworn or spoken offensively to him. I guess whats done is done, please do dua I never ever feel down because of him again and meet the right person inshaAllah.
Sisters reading about these man i cant help but feel you all dodged a bullet, married life with people of such bad character would have all but destroyed you and things would have been alot worse Allahu yalam,
i myself am married to a difficult man and some days it takes all i have just to keep calm and go about my day with the kids, and my husband never uses bad language is very religious and a very good father Allahamdulilaah but still we have big problems, we women in are married homes need respect and if that is missing then life is hard so you are all well rid of these men who showed you and your family little or no respect, i prey that all of you find men who will treat you with respect because only then will you have true love.
I feel for you but my friend let me tell you, you cannot make someone love you. As much as it hurts love is not by force. Ok, you made a human mistake by sleeping with him but now do not let him take your dignity and yourself worth I know you might say or even think it is easier said than done. You might think that I do not understand how u feel but sister what can u do. The best you can do is to serve the past for the future and remember that guys will do anything to get what they want. Pick yourself up and move on with your life it might sound impossible today but wait until you find the one, the one who will love you for you and will not care about your past. I have been there it is possible and yes yes yes you are worthy.
Good luck and come on dusty off and try again