Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Arranged Marriage: I do not like him at all but I have slept with him.

forced marriageI am 18 years old. My parents married my to my cousin whom I had never seen or talked to. They agreed to the marriage and his family pressurized us in to agreeing to an engagement and then a nikah. I only talked to my husband after our nikah and I do not like him at all but for the sake of my family I have tried every single way to start liking him. I have tried to get him to talk but he has no interests. We cannot have a conversation for longer than 5 minutes. He makes fun of my insecurities. He is not as educated as I am and I feel very shallow when I think this way but because of this, we have this uncomfortable communication gap.

I have met him a couple times and in those few times he has tried to be intimate with me. I allowed him earlier in our marriage and I feel so tainted. It was halal but my heart was never in it and I did it to make him happy and to make myself like him but with every meeting, I began disliking him even more. Now I feel disgusted even being in his presence.

I want to end it but I am scared he will use this against me. He is my cousin and I am also very scared I might ruin my family's relations.

My in laws are amazing but I cannot spend my entire life with a man I can't get along with and im not attracted to. I have tried for 7 months to make this work but I cannot do this any longer. I feel so guilty and I don't know why.

Is it wrong to have relations after nikah before marriage? And how do I end this without ruining the relationship between my father and his brother (my husband's father)?

-Hello99


Tagged as: , , , ,

6 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaikum.

    It is not permissible for the guardian, whether he is the father or anyone else, to marry off anyone under his care without her consent, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “A previously-married woman has more right concerning herself than her guardian, and the permission of a virgin should be sought (regarding marriage), and her permission is her silence.” Narrated by Muslim, 1421.

    A woman’s guardian has to fear Allah with regard to his daughters and not give them in marriage to anyone except those with whom they are pleased from among men who are compatible and suitable. The guardian should only give her in marriage for her interests, not for his own.

    Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah said, "With regard to giving her in marriage when she is reluctant, this is contrary to the basic principles and common sense. Moreover Allah did not allow her guardian to force her into buying or renting without her permission, or to eat or drink or wear something that she does not want, so how can he force her into sleeping with and living with someone she does not want to sleep with, and living with someone she does not want to live with.

    Allah wants love and compassion between the spouses, and how can that be attained when she hates him and does not like him? What kind of love and compassion can there be in that case?!"

    If the marriage contract has been done even though she was reluctant, then this marriage contract depends on the woman’s decision. If she accepts it, then it becomes a valid marriage contract, and if she does not then it is an invalid contract.

    It was narrated that Buraydah ibn al-Haseeb said: A girl came to the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) and said: My father married me to his brother’s son so that he might raise his own status thereby. The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) gave her the choice, and she said: I approve of what my father did, but I wanted women to know that their fathers have no right to do that.

    It was narrated from Khansa’ bint Khizaam al-Ansaariyyah that her father married her off when she had been previously married, and she did not like that. She went to the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and he annulled the marriage. Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4845. And it was narrated from Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) that a virgin girl came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and told him that her father had married her off against her objections. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) gave her the choice. Narrated by Abu Dawood, 2096; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani.

    In the event that the woman does not accept this marriage, then it is invalid and she has to tell the one who did this marriage contract with her about that. He does not have the right to force her to engage in intercourse and intimacy, and she does not have the right to allow him to do that so long as she does not accept this marriage.

    With regard to what has happened to you, you have the choice of whether to stay or not. Seek guidance from Allah (by praying istikhaarah). If you agree to stay in this marriage then all well and good, but if you do not accept to stay with your husband, then you have the right to seek annulment of the marriage, because it took place without your consent.

    Based on that, you have to refer the matter to the Islamic judge (qaadi) to pass a verdict that this marriage is annulled.

    Salaamualaikum.

  2. Arranged marriages like yours is awful as a lot of the time the families do not take into account the views of the people involved and instead pressure them into marriage.

    But you need to grow a backbone. You are not some slave to be used by your family to further their relationships. Its disgusting what your parents have done and they do not deserve any sympathy from you.

    If this guy is not right for you, you need to cut him off before anything else happens i.e. a baby which will complicate things enormously. You are right to think that you cannot live with this person for the rest of your life if he disgusts you.

    In the UK your parents can be prosecuted for forced marriage. Tell them in no uncertain terms that you do not like him and wish to have no further relations with him. Your life should take priority over the vanity of your parents but if they don't see that, they don't deserve the respect and care you're giving to them.

    Get rid of him immediately before its too late.

    • You have received some sound responses from others who replied to you. Islam has given you great and mind blowing rights. You do not need a reason to leave. It's your choice. You are unhappy. Why force yourself to stay then? There is no shame in ending this now rather than later with possible offspring making it difficult. He can't use a halal sequel encounter against you. It was after your Nikah. Irrespective of you living with him or not. It was not Zinaa. So don't worry about that.

      You should have made your reservations known prior to the nuptials. It's a contract that requires your consent. You should not have consented when he wasn't even your choice. Parents should not put their children in such predicaments either. While I'm aware refusal to this marriage could have caused some damage to your relationship with your parents they would had to accept it eventually. They couldn't have physically forced you to utter your consent.

      I urge every girl/woman acquaint herself with her Islamic rights and find the courage to stand up and enforce them despite societal or familial opposition. You must expect that his and your families will not be pleased with you ending this marriage. The alternative is staying in a relationship you are not thriving in for the sake of pleasing others. Your choice. Just be aware there will be reactions and they will milden with time.

  3. Salaamu alaikum Sister:

    Once you are married, sexual relations are permitted between husband and wife. It does not matter if they like one another or are madly in love. Some couples who have had little or no contact actually choose to wait a period of time to get to know one another before they become intimate with one another.

    It seems you were practically forced to marry someone you did not even know. If your husband is being unkind and verbally abusive, or just plain ignorant, you should tell your parents and let them know. Tell your parents how very unhappy you are and more importantly that you don't want to be married to him and want a divorce. No one should expect you to somehow like a man just because they arranged for you to marry him. Do not be wishy-washy. It is not your job to stay married to someone you don't like in order to keep good family relations. Your parents may also tell you they did not know one another when they married. You are not your parents. And that was another time and place. Women are not tools or machines, and most cultures acknowledge this in the 21st century.

    Do not have sex with him and risk getting pregnant. That will tie you to him for the rest of your life first of all, as well as keep you legally his wife for almost a year. You have to use clear specific language with your husband and tell him you don't care for him and you don't like his attitude towards you. It will be uncomfortable to have that discussion but it is necessary and fair to both of you. Your cousin might, in fact, be a nice man. He seems to be not as mature as you or perhaps he may have been socialized to expect his wife to simply some kind of trophy wife. However, he may need to learn a little bit more about marital etiquette like not making fun of your spouse's so-called insecurities and having interests and a personality.

  4. Assalaamualaykum Sister,

    I am terribly sorry for the predicament you find yourself in. Parents need to stop dictating who their children marry. It is unislamic and wrong. This situation is not your fault, so please don't feel guilty.

    You write:

    "And how do I end this without ruining the relationship between my father and his brother (my husband's father)?"

    You are taking on problems that are not yours to solve. Your father and uncle are grown men who have a responsibility towards Allah and doing the right thing for their children. They didn't do that. You are not the one who would be "ruining" the relationship.

    Please extricate yourself from this marriage and do not blame yourself any further. You owe it to yourself to find a suitable match that you are attracted to and can spend the rest of your life with.

    May Allah bring you peace,

    Hugs,

    Nor

    • Cousin forced marriage is so common in Pakistani culture. It’s not Islamic. Tell the boy you don’t see yourself with him. If he agrees then take it upon your parents. The parents will try to make excuses- will say try harder or make baby and it’ll make you closer (Don’t do it!) him.

Leave a Response