Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I can’t take it anymore.

Dark flower, needs life,

Even though I'm taking psychological help through Psychiatrists and Psychologists, I needed some spirtual help from this site since I've heard of it from my friend a lot and I hope you all will help.

I'm a 16 year old Muslimah, struggling with so much in life since I came to this world.

I have 1 brother and 1 sister, and they are both older than me. They both have a job. The relationship between my parents is not good because of our financial issues as well as my mother's family. That's a long story, but my father gets physically and verbally abusive towards my sister and mother during fights and mostly the fault is of my dad. He is good sometimes, sometimes bad. I don't know what to do!

On the other side of my life, I had to go through great problems and face them alone. In grade one, I was molested, and bullied by the girls of my school. I used to cry alone and never had any friends, until I grew up and met some satanic human friends who are not even worth calling humans. This girl and her brother, both siblings are the reason I have accepted failure in my life now.

The brother was very much older than me, but the girl was 1 year older than me. I was 13 at that time. They pretended to be my friends, and calmed me when I told them about my life's struggle. They said I don't deserve this, and they promised to help me become happy. I was mentally unstable at that time. They changed, and started emotional harrasment to put me down, and that filthy boy sexually abused me. They spent 1 year emotionally and sexually abusing me and left me themselves. I don't want to recall those memories because they scare me, and I'm undergoing psychological treatment for that.

They tell people that IAM BAD, and they spread rumors about me when I am innocent. They have no contact with me, but they still harass me emotionally through people by telling them wrongs things about me.

I never had strong iman, but when I was being abused I always asked Allah for help. I want to strengthen my Iman and become close to Allah because I'm tired of being alone, and tired of facing betrayal from this world. What should I do? Should I care about what the people and those animals says even when they are wrong, or should I focus on what Allah knows? I want to go to jannah, I want peace.

Please sisters and brothers, I am tired of crying now. This pain is infinite. I cry for my mother and myself. She doesn't know any thing, because she herself has so many problems and I don't want to worry her. Tell me how to be strong? I get nightmares, I get dizzy every time I stand, and I can't focus on anything because of a lack of physical and emotional strength. I want to become close to Allah. I know He knows everything. Just help me. I want to get married one day and have a happy life, but I'm scared that my abusers will come again.

How do I become close to Allah? Should I care about people, or just focus on my Allah and my life ?  I want a good life. Enough is enough and I can't bear anymore. I'm broken. I'm dead inside.  Please guide me. I am very depressed.

Please don't pass any judgmental comments, I'm unable to resist them at such situation.

-Fatima Zuhra

 

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14 Responses »

  1. Dear soul Fatima Zuhra,

    Waiting for Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) to come to you and forgetting Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) Was, Is and Will Always be with you.

    Dear soul Fatima Zuhra forget your past. What passed away has passed away. Live with the present.

    Dear soul Fatima Zuhra upset about present and future. Forget future live with Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) and Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) Will Make your Present and Future.

    Dear soul Fatima Zuhra upset about your enemies forget them. And Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) Will Remember you when you need help.

    Dear soul Fatima Zuhra upset about Connecting with Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala). Recite "Allaah" 1000 times after Esha prayer every night. And pray 5 times a day. Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) Will Make you ALIVE AGAIN. (your heart!)

    Dear soul Fatima Zuhra happy now.

    • MashaAllah, this is so lovely, and with full of love and kindness for our dear sister in Islam.

      Though, I am wondering where you got that "1000" and the method from-lol

      JazakAllahu Khair Akhi, Masood.

    • As - salaamu'Alaykum. Firstly with due respect please do not recite Allah name 100 times not even 10 time as such is not proven from Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad ( SAW ) as he has forbidden us new ideas in religion.

      Main points briefly; May Allah guide the evil individuals who have harmed you advice you to talk to the police about it and (2) after dealth with (first do istehara; all authentic Dua's you'll find in a book called: "Hisnal Muslim" (fortress of Muslim) (3) go to Saudi Arabia to Makkah and do Umrah and you'll feel the "PEACE" that you'd never felt before.

      JazakAllah khair
      You can watch programmes on peace tv sky channel 820 or urdu/hindi 841, or visit thedeenshow.com or http://www.iera.org.uk or even idci.co.uk for free Islamic literature and advice as well as videos inshaAllah.

      JazakAllah khair. . Wa' salaamu'Alaykum

      • Jazaak'Allaah! My mistake I admit!

        Dear soul Fatima Zuhra! Don't repeat the word "Allaah" 1000 times. Instead say "Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah". Just once or as many times as you like but by heart!

        Allaah Knows the Best!

        • JazakAllahu Khair, Akhi for your kind humbleness, MashaAllah. In fact, I make the same mistakes too sometimes, and then I get reminded or corrected by other good brothers.

      • Praise be to Allaah.

        There is no doubt that it is bid’ah to mention the name of Allaah on its own or –even worse – to repeat the pronoun “Huwa” (“He”). Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

        The Name of Allaah on its own, either as a noun (“Allaah”) or a pronoun (“Huwa”) is not a complete phrase or meaningful sentence. It has no implications to do with eemaan (faith) or kufr (disbelief), commands or prohibitions. This was not mentioned by anyone from the Salaf (early generations) of this ummah, and it was not prescribed by the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). It does not bring any knowledge to the heart or bestow any kind of benefit upon it. All it does is give an unclear idea which is not defined by any negation or affirmation. Unless there is previous knowledge in a person's mind or he is in a state of mind where he could benefit from this, he gains no benefit at all. Islam prescribes adhkaar which in and of themselves bring benefit to the heart, without any such need for anything else.

        Some of those who persisted in this kind of “dhikr” ended up in various kinds of heresies and ideas of “wahdat al-wujood” (unity of all that exists, pantheism), as has been explained in detail elsewhere.

        It was mentioned that one of the shaykhs said: “I am afraid of dying between negation and affirmation”, but this is not an example to be followed, because it is obviously erroneous. If a person were to die in this state, he would die according to his intention, because actions are judged by intention. It was reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) commanded us to tell the dying person to say Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah, and he said, “Anyone whose last words are Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah will enter Paradise.” If this word (Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah) was something which required caution, why should we tell the dying person to say something which, if he dies in the middle of saying it, will lead to an improper death? Rather, if this were the case, he would be told to say “Allaah, Allaah” or “Huwa, Huwa.”

        Mentioning the pronoun on its own is further removed from the Sunnah and is a worse kind of bid’ah, which is closer to the misguidance of the Shaytaan. If a person says “Yaa Huwa, yaa Huwaa (O He, O He)” or “Huwa, Huwa (He, He)” and so on, the pronoun does not refer to anything except whatever his heart imagines, and hearts may be guided or misguided.

        Some shaykhs use as evidence to support saying “Allaah” (the name on its own) the aayah (interpretation of the meaning):

        “Say: ‘Allaah.’ Then leave them…” [al-An’aam 6:91]. They think that Allaah commanded His Prophet to say His Name on its own, but this is a mistake according to the consensus of the scholars, because the meaning of the phrase “Say ‘Allaah’” is that it is Allaah Who sent down the Book which was brought by Moosa. This is in response to the question:

        “Say (O Muhammad): ‘Who then sent down the Book which Moosa (Moses) brought, a light and a guidance to mankind which you (the Jews) have made into (separate) paper sheets, disclosing (some of it) and concealing (much). And you (believers in Allaah and His Messenger Muhammad) were taught (through the Qur’aan) that which neither you nor your fathers knew.’ Say: ‘Allaah (sent it down).’” [al-An’aam 6:91 – interpretation of the meaning], i.e., Allaah is the One Who revealed the Book which was brought by Moosa. This is a refutation of the view of those who said, “Nothing did Allaah send down to any human being (by Revelation)” [al-An’aam 6:91 – interpretation of the meaning]. Allaah says: Who then sent down the Book which Moosa brought? Then He says: Say Allaah sent it down, then leave these liars to play in their vain discussions.

        What we have said above is further explained by the comments of Seebawayh and other grammarians, who noted that when the Arabs say “Qaala” (or other forms of the verb meaning “to say”), they do not quote verbatim, rather they state what was said, giving a complete meaning. So what follows is a sentence with a complete meaning, or a nominal sentence or a verbal sentence. Hence after saying “qaala” they give a kasrah to the particle “anna” (making it “inna”); “qaala” cannot be followed by a noun standing alone. Allaah did not command anyone to mention His Name on its own, and it is not prescribed for the Muslims to say His Name on its own. Saying His Name on its own does not enhance faith or explain anything about the religion, according to the consensus of the scholars of Islam; it is not enjoined in any act of worship or in any case where Allaah addresses them.

        (Majmoo’ al-Fataawa, 10/226-229)

        And he (may Allaah have mercy on him) also said:

        Repeating the Name of Allaah on its own, such as saying “Allaah, Allaah,” or the pronoun, such as “Huwa, Huwa” is not prescribed in either the Qur’aan or the Sunnah. It is not reported that any of the salaf of this ummah or any of the righteous scholars who are taken as examples did this. It is only spoken by misguided people of the later generations.

        Perhaps they are following a shaykh who had no control over himself in this regard, such as al-Shubli who, it was narrated, used to say ‘Allaah, Allaah.’ It was said to him, ‘Why do you not say Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah?’ He said, “I am afraid of dying between the negation [saying La ilaaha (there is no god)] and the affirmation [ill-Allaah (except Allaah)]”!

        This is one of the mistakes made by al-Shubli, who may be forgiven for it because of the sincerity of his faith and the strength of his emotions which overwhelmed him. Sometimes he would go crazy and would be taken to the asylum, and he would shave off his beard. There are other instances of this type in his case, which are not to be taken as examples, even if he may be excused or rewarded for them. If a person intends to say Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah, and he dies before completing it, that will not harm him at all, because actions are judged by intentions, and what he intended to do is what will be written down for him.

        Some of them go to extremes in this matter, and say that saying the name of Allaah is for the ‘elite’ whilst saying La ilaaha ill-Allaah is for the ‘masses.’ Some of them say that saying Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah is for the mu’mineen (believers), saying ‘Allaah’ is for the ‘aarifeen’ and saying ‘Huwa’ is for the muhaqqiqeen. One of them may restrict himself to saying, when alone or in a gathering, ‘Allaah, Allaah, Allaah’ or ‘Huwa’ or ‘Yaa Huwa’ or even ‘La Huwa illa Huwa (there is no He except He)’!

        Some of those who have written about spiritual matters have expressed approval of this, quoting some known figures who, however, were in a state of overwhelming emotion at the time, or quoting opinions, or quoting false reports – for example some of them reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told ‘Ali ibn Abi Taalib to say ‘Allaah, Allaah, Allaah.’ The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said it three times, then he told ‘Ali to say it three times so he said it three times. This hadeeth is fabricated (mawdoo’), according to the consensus of the scholars of hadeeth.

        It is narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) taught people various adhkaar to say, and the best of dhikr is Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah. This is what he urged his paternal uncle Abu Taalib to say when he was dying. He said, “O uncle, say Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah and I will defend you thereby before Allaah.” And he said: “I know of a word which no one says when he is dying but his soul finds rest in it.” And he said, “Anyone whose last words are Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah will enter Paradise.” And he said, “Whoever dies knowing that there is no god except Allaah will enter Paradise.” And he said: “I have been commanded to fight people until they bear witness that there is no god except Allaah and that Muhammad is the Messenger of Allaah. If they do that, their blood and wealth will be safe from me, except for what is due from them [e.g., zakaah etc.], and their reckoning is with Allaah.” And there are many similar ahaadeeth.

        (Majmoo’ al-Fataawaa, 10/556-558)

        Whoever makes the Qur’aan and Sunnah his points of reference concerning his worship will not fail to distinguish right from wrong. We ask Allaah to bring us back to His religion in a gentle manner. And Allaah knows best.

        Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (Reference taken)

  2. Assalaamu 'Alaikum

    I am quite grieved at your situation. May Allah make all matters easy for you and keep you with 'aafiyah

    MashAllah till now your strength has outlasted all the efforts of wrongdoers and oppressors to put you down and extinguish your self esteem. But rest assured dear sister that Allah will never burden you with more than what you can take. It is great to hear that you want to improve your connection with Allah and gain closeness to him. He is the only true Guardian and the true Friend of a believer.

    Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) is reported to have said: Behold, of all people the most generous toward me in regard to his companionship and his property was Abu Bakr and were I to choose anyone as my bosom friend, I would have chosen Abu Bakr as my dear friend, but (for him) I cherish Islamic brotherliness and love. There shall be left open no window in the mosque except Abu Bakr's window. [Muslim]

    This hadith indicates that Rasulullah Sallallahu 'Alaihi wa Sallam had chosen Allah as his friend even though the proximity, generosity and chose companionship of Abu Bakr Radiyallahu 'Anhu to him. Allah only tests his slaves so that they can become closer to Him through the slave's perseverance and patience throughout the test. This world and whatever is in it is a delusion as indicated by the following verse of the Quarn:

    "This dunya (world) is only a thing of deception" (3:185)

    I read a profound statement today which I recalled when you asked if you should pay attention to the opinions of other people. Once some one asked Hasan Al-Basri Rahimahullah that why dont you care about what other people say about you and think of you so he replied: When I came into this world I came alone and when I will leave I will leave alone. When I am taken into account by Allah it will be so alone and when I enter jannah or jahannum then it will be alone. So why then should I take the opinions of others regarding me into consideration". Truly my sister, other people will keep on barking but if you stop and are scared of a dog that only barks then you will only waste your efforts and time and take on unnecessary stress and depression. What people may think shouldn't fashion the way we live our lives because it is our struggle alone and we will be accounted for it alone. If someone's rumor puts you down then you are only stopping yourself from achieving your goals because of a mere sentence. What ever people may tell others doesn't say anything about you but it only manifests the evil and despicable character that is inside of that person and you yourself know better what is inside of you than anybody else.

    Keep one thing in mind that Allah is not a waiter nor an attender that when ever we need something we just make dua and it will arrive. Allah loves that you call upon him but the answer is never rejected. Allah will give according to His own wisdom, it is our responsibility to continue asking Him and remove all despair from our hearts. Adopt good company. Find a sisters circle in your local community or local masjid, Pray all your daily prayers, recite the Quran and read about the stories of our pious predecessors.

    My sister you are not in this struggle alone. Many young children see their mothers raped in front of their eyes, their sisters strangled and burnt alive and their fathers imprisoned because of no crimes. Alhamdulillah, Allah intends good for you but you have to make the effort of taking the first steps towards Allah because thereafter He will run towards. Truly your story brought tears to my eyes. You have my sincerest dua. May Allah ease you situation, increase your imam and firm your relationship with him.

    If you need any sisters to talk to then let me know and I can Insha Allah refer you to someone.

    Wassalaamu 'Alaikum

  3. My dear sister,

    Don't let this world fool you, this life is a test. And my sister you are bring tested hard. Know that for every time you endure hardship and then turn to Allah you are doing a good deed and you are getting rewarded.

    For your mother, you cannot change your father but you can always give her a big hug, support her and make her life easier. Is he so abusive that your mother wants to leave? Maybe you have family you can turn to, because abuse is not okay inany form. Talk to your mother, let her know you love her and that you will always be there for her. There Are things in life that we cannot change ( like our parents relationship) , but you can always ask Allah to protect you and your family from his abuse.

    Watch out who you make friends with my dear. Find Muslims and gentle people, do not take anybody's abuse....and it starts with your self confidence. You are wonderful, you are amazing, and you are a good person, and do not let anyone treat you badly or put you down.

    Abusers take advantage of you by breaking your self worth down....do not let them. It's better to be all alone than have useless friends.

    When I was a teenager, I just wore the hijab at 16. Let me tell you I had no friends after that. So you know what I did, I spent my days in the library doing my homework, joined an art club, and I got used to being alone. It was peaceful. After that, Allah sent some Muslims my way. If you don't already, I suggest you Wear a hijab sister, it's a muslim magnet ( if you are in a non muslim place...that is)

    Also, keep yourself busy and learn your deen. Go to a masjid for classes, take some islamic courses, get involved in a healthy environment. When you learn about your deen, you can get very close to Allah, and leave bad people behind. That is the only way to increase your iman, is to learn.

    Do not be scared of Abusers my sister, because Allah is always near. He is close to you, and he is your maker and protector.,do not doubt that he has a plan for you and no doubt punishment for those who have hurt you.

    Everyone has a journey, you are being tested really hard because he is giving you an opportunity to stack up your good deeds. No matter what happens, keep hope, keep praying, and know that Allah is the master of this world. Be happy now, in the present, marriage is not something that will save you.

    Trust me sister when I say marriage is also a test, and it's hard too...but it's all in your head. Choose to be happy and grateful and always be hopeful.

    May Allah make it easy for you my dear and i want you to know that are good, you are beautiful and are deserving of love.

  4. wa alaykumussalaam wa rahmatullah,

    May Allah help you in the best way that only He can. The most important thing for you and us all is to focus on having great hope in Allah. No matter how much you've been through and how frightening things have been, you should focus all our energy on improving this one thing - your hope in Allah - and everything else will slowly come into place.

    So how does a person develop hope? The best specific advice I heard for this was to do good deeds in secret (especially reading/reflecting on the Quran). Find a place where no person will see you. Open the Quran and read to understand with a heart that is humbled. Read the meaning of the verses. Break down and cry in dua after verses that touch your heart. Do this every day, even if it's for just a few minutes. If you can do it at night and/or in prayer, that is even better. But start small so you can be consistent.

    Don't worry about the past or future or any person or any other thing in this world. That will all disappear. Be alone with your Maker and His Book - every single day of your life. Do not let a single day pass without reflecting on the Words of the King of Kings. Keep your mind busy with the most inspiring moments in history - the stories of prophets and regular muslims who never lost hope in Allah. This will help give you the greatest hope in Allah. Never forget that God is the All-Powerful - he can turn an impossible situation around in an instant. Pay very close attention to verses that talk about how Allah revives the earth. You will find these verses are often near verses that talk about how Allah heals our hearts with guidance. Read the Quran as if it is being revealed to you personally. Yes- Allah is speaking to you. The Quran changed the history of the world, the lives of billions of people. These moments alone with the book of Allah are the starting point for changing the history of our personal lives. They will be some of the best moments of your life.

  5. Salaams,

    I am concerned because you say you are working with mental health professionals, and I am assuming you've told them about the abuse from these friends as well as between your parents, but yet it appears they have not done anything to have this matter investigated legally. I'm not sure where you live, but in my country such things would be required to report by law. The young man who sexually abused you should have charges brought against him, which would help your concerns that he would come back into your life. If the sister was or is harrassing you, that's enough to get a restraining order against her, and this would be another way to keep you safe from harm.

    If your mother and sister are being abused physically by your father this is also a concern. Again, the authorities should be involved so at the very least your family can get appropriate support and safety strategies can be put in place. It's very unusual that they would be a target of his violence, but you would not.

    If you haven't told your therapists about this, then you need to. Trying to keep these things to yourself and cope with them on your own will cause more difficulty, because the pain and memories become toxic inside you and cause other psychological/emotional and even physical problems. If your counselors do know, then perhaps you might consider that they are not the most effective for your case. If you've been working with them about something that's now three years old, and you are still this upset and frightened, it sounds like a more specialized provider may do better for you. Just something to consider.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • First off I would like to say : Thanks for sharing your story with us. I am sorry that you are going through such emotional and spiritual...I couldnt even begin to imagine. I am also someone who has endured much pain and sorrow in my Life.

      I really feel that you need to CONSECRATE(it means,a time of seperation where you focus on yourself and your relationship with God).

      Consecration is usually a minumum of 30 days (1 month)...but what you should do is ask God to reveal to you how many days you should be doing this.

      One off the reasons why you are so upset is due to the fact that you are witnessing domestic violence in your home,and as a prior victim of sexual abuse it can feel unsafe.....Its hard to heal when your in such an unhealthy environment.....As a result, I would try to find a safe haven in my home....a place where I can mentally retreat...read listen to music...love your parents but totally DISENGAGE when they are fighting.

      Also during your consecrated time....have no contact with toxic people, surround yourself with those who you KNOW love you. Do not read ..listen to anything violent including the news or violent tv shows because it can cause you to be triggered.

      This is the time where you need to focus on yourself and God (through prayer) and youll begin to feel better. (smiley face).Ill be praying for you too. God bless!

  6. As'salamu Alaiki wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatu my dearest Fatima,

    May Allah be with you, remember the one who has nne has Allah. I would like to share a story of a dear friend I used to know.

    She was sexually abused as a child as well. All her life she kept it inside her not telling her parents, her siblings or anyone else. She almost hid herself from the world just trying to find a friend someone to take away the burden she felt, she cried in loneliness, in sadness, in pain, in What gave her solace was her relationship with Allah Aza Wa Jal. Her continuous duas, her patience that relief will come from one day and it did when she found the Book of Allah Aza Wa Jal. She found that no one could destroy or break her as lg as Allah Aza Wa Jal was with her. Her patience brought man fruits. Her fruits was that Allah Aza Wa Jl gave her the fit of Quran.

    My dear sis, you have to let go of your past friends and what ever has happened.. Even the memories, B/c from a psychological point of view, when we spend too much time in sadness and guilt after a while we try to become violent, meaning we start abusing our own self. It starts with emotions, then. It spreads to our physical bodies. And suicide is haram! May Allah Aza Wa Jal protect our Ummah from such a sin. Allahumma Ameen!

    Here's what I then you ask Allah Aza Wa Jal to purify you from every stain of sins for your part and to receive your sadness and loneliness and replace with His company (ie: His remembrance based n Quran and the authentic sunnah of the Messenger SAW) and ask Allah Aza Wa Jal to remove every thing from your subconscious, pre conscious and conscious mind and that He empties out your heart from everyone and everything other than His Love, His fear alone, yearning to meet Him alone. And The home of the hereafter so that there is no room in your hear and mind for any memory or bad experiences.

    May Allah Aza Wa Jal always be by your side. may Allah Aza Wa Jal fill the emptiness from your heart with his Remembrance and May Allah Aza Wa Jal remove the emptiness from your life with a righteous friends.

    May He SWT love you for your patience. May Allah SWT make you tough and strong to take care of your mom!
    : ) although Allah SWT is the best of those who take care.

    May Allah Love you for loving Him SWT : )

  7. One thing sister,
    I would tell you to FOCUS on Allah Aza Wa Jal alone especially through Quran and Salah and most importantly when you talk to HIM and explain everything and let that pain out infront of Him alone and not any human being. Really you would feel like as if He SWT is right in front of you. Listening to you, comforting you, and Wallahi you'll feel like crying and crying and I think that s exactly what you need cry to pain out in Sujood during the last third of the night.. May Allah bless you my sweet and strong sister! And i wish I could give you a hug! But remember Allah loves you 70x more than your own mum! : )

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