Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I committed a great sin & feel dirty, hopeless & betrayed

Salaam,

depressed girl woman

I stumbled across this website in my desperation to find a solution to my problem and for some much needed advice.

As I am typing this, I am realising how much  stronger I have become in my personality, prior to this for the last two months I have been in agony, constantly crying, no sleep, and falling behind in all my duties.

Just a little about myself, I am a 24 year old well educated girl, with a very successful career. I have had a fulfilling life, and come from a very caring and stable family. I always strive to better myself in my faith, often going on pilgrimage to makkah.

However, my problem stems from my decision to get married. Last year I was introduced to a man, who I thought was respectable, for the purpose of marriage. I spoke to him a few times over the phone, with my parents knowledge, and soon after we arranged for families to meet. Prior to this we had no illicit relationships and no haraam words were spoken.Anyway, once families met, him and his family were satisfied, however, I still had my reservations about him as he was much older than me and did not appear to be financially stable.

Our families seemed interested in each other, and as I had not made up my mind about him, we were encouraged to get to know one another in a halaal manner. Unfortunately, although I have never in my life had any illicit relationships, in the process of getting to know one another we let the devil interfere and one thing led to another - however, we did not commit zina, and I am extremely grateful for Allah's mercy that things did not go that far but we were very close to doing so. This went on for a year, and progressively things got worse, and at one point it all seemed very natural, astaghfirullah.

I do admit to my mistake, and know that it takes two to tango, but it was always him that initiated anything, and despite my persistence to stop him, he would continue and charm me in a way that I would eventually give in. By this time I had developed strong feelings for him and believed I would be marrying him. Each time anything happened physically I would afterwards be overcome by grief and even cried in front of him begging him not to initiate anything, however, he would often become grumpy if I refused physical contact.

Due to this, I eventually started to resent him, and would find faults in him because I felt he was taking me further and further away from my faith, and disrespecting me, which led to many arguments. Each time I tried to end things with him, he would assure me that he would become a better muslim and not have any physical contact, but he would then break his promise, even if we were in a public place - I had made it very clear to him, that I did not even want to hold hands but he ignored this and said his feelings were too strong for me and he couldn't help it.

Due to my weakness I carried on giving him the benefit of the doubt, but the arguments continued until eventually he decided he had had enough and ended it. At this point, I felt suicidal, simply because I had realised the extent of my sin, and the fact that there would be a man out there who I had been intimate with who was not my husband, I felt dirty, cheap and used and had also developed very strong feelings for him.

I apologise if I am wasting your time with my problem as there are bigger problems faced by people, but to cut a long story short I now feel suicidal, because although alhamdulillah I have not lost my virginity, I have let a non-mahram man touch me and see me intimately, and each time I think about this I feel physcially sick and regretful. Allah knows the agony I have gone through, I have repented day and night, and have cried and I now feel like I have no more tears left. I feel hopeless and dirty.

When he brokeup with me, i cried and pleaded to him to resolve our issues, repent, start fresh and get married to maintain our honour, but he refused as he felt we wouldnt be happy together. I just feel so dirty and exposed, its my own fault, but when I think about what I have done I feel as though my head will burst, I have never committed a sin this big and I just don't know how to overcome this and live my life. At times its so agonising that I feel my head will burst, and all I want to do is tell my mum so she can give me a solution to my problem, but it will kill her if I told her, and so I turn to Allah and talk to him and cry until I feel lighter, but still not happy.

I am unable to portray the true extent of my misery, agony and pain following this sin. I have now broken off all contact with him, as I realise that although he was an overall decent man, he brought out the worst in me and took me away from my faith, and dishonoured me further by refusing to respect my wishes and marry me.

I am also finding it very hard to move on and consider other men for marriage, as I no longer trust anyone, have developed low self esteem, feel used and feel like I am betraying the guy that i may end up marrying. I keep praying to Allah to let me marry asap to protect me from sinning further, but for one reason or another there seems to be a delay in my marriage.

I feel like the delay in marriage is a punishment from Allah, because although I am not perfect, I don't believe I have any major obvious flaws. I feel quite hopeless, and keep having flashbacks of the sin I have committed with this man, to the extent I want to re-approach him and reconcile things with him to avoid this constant torture in my mind, and this time get married asap to avoid any haraam from taking place. Having said this, I don't think he has any respect for me anymore or even wants to marry me anymore.

I feel dishonoured, and dirty....and I just don't know what to do next.

Apologies once again for my long comment, and I hope I am not wasting everyones time as other people do have bigger problems.

Please help.

- confusedpuzzled

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110 Responses »

  1. As salamu alaykum, confusedpuzzle,

    Let´s start again, you have repented, you have gone to Allah(swt), what you mention is no punishment from Ar-Rahmani, Ar-Raheem, we pave our own road of suffering taking the wrong decisions and a wrong decision is that one that leads us to sin.

    Then until you have healed all this issues inside of yourself, you need to mantain yourself a bit on a side, related to marriage proposals, just my personal opinion, because everyone will notice your guilt and your sadness, what is the most important step to take now, it is to heal your wounds and that will take time, maybe less than you think, at that time, you will be shining and ready, strong and straight, insha´Allah.

    I would like to work for real, you are intelligent and conscious then let´s put ourselves to work, you will carry this as a test you survived, you have repented, you have done all the steps necessaries to be back in the Straight Path, yes, you are different, ...., Alhamdulillah, and you will put this man on the land of Forgiveness, then no a thought for him anymore. You know which the Straight Path is, and if you have a gut feeling as you had with this one, don´t doubt it, trust your intuition!!!.

    Going straight with the process of recovery, this is important, very important, treat your body, your mind and your soul as unique gifts from Allah(swt), then you know what to do about spirituality, about your body, eat well (good quality and variety of food), exercise (at least 40 minutes walking or anything you like, and you are able to do), and there is a beautiful relaxation that I will encourage you to do:

    http://islamicsunrays.com/islamic-meditation-for-relaxation-and-spiritual-comfort/comment-page-1/

    You can record it and listening to it, if you want. Many of the articles of Islamic Sunrays would be extremely comforting for you at any moment but ,right now, specially, insha´Allah.

    Other thing, I just remember that can help you a lot, insha´Allah, see the top of this page, go to the label that says Duas, may help you, insha´Allah.

    I hope to see your shine from here, insha´Allah.

    All my Unconditional Respect, Love and Support,

    María

    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Salaams Sister
    I want to say to you I don’t judge you or even think that of you. You feel like that because you knew it was wrong and you have repented, allah is the one to judge you no one else. You must stop feeling sorry for yourself, have faith be strong and positive. I know trust is a problem especially after how you feeling but inshallah in time you know yourself when you are ready to settle down. My advice to you is take time out for yourself, go gym you be surprised how good you will feel you will feel much less stressed and depressed it really works wonders. I really think reading special dua’s and namaz will also help you when you think negative and get you back onto the right path. Also remember your not being punished by allah you been put through a test from allah and you must be strong every person is put through this sister no one is any different. Learn to love yourself and you are well you haven’t lost anything just will take time for you to move on. I wish you the best for the future.

  3. Another thing I would advise seriously is take caution for yourself for the future but also people are not always what they seem on the outside, people give false promises especially to women and when coming to the crunch time they run and forget holding your hand in a helping supportive crisis problem. Sister you have your whole life ahead always remember what this guy did to you is no fault of yours because you honestly thought you had a future with him and also you trusted him and knowing only to keep him you would do what he tells you and he took advantage because he made you feel guilty and lowered you too his gains. It doesn’t always work out like this for a girl please remember for us women there are consequences and we cant turn the clocks back. You deserve a lot more than this, do not rush to get married, learnt from it, be strong reflect and see what really the person is really like, never be alone with a guy to take advantage of you and make sure your parents are involved in the proposal at all times never lower yourself again for any man and make sure marriage is 100% halaal and remember single is better than being unhappy and thinking what if’s, sorry I am very happy I mean look at all the other people who are much worse off than me ulhumdiallah I don’t need anything else other than allah and keep believing that’s all that matters, there is always hope and faith if you really believe than anything is possible inshallah w/salaams.

  4. Salam Alaykum sister pleas be strong u feel like u commit sin and its good that you know what u did was wrong so now you can fix your problem Ill Hamdu Allah im happy that you realise and want to be better person and you are u were just led on the wrong way you fouled by his charm and love, too me you seem innocence and i know everyone wants someone to love them but its best to wait and do it the correct way in the eyes of Allah. Sister im not judging you for we are all not perfect, we all make mistakes but its great when you know that what you did was wrong and willing to fix it and not commit it again, you have strong heart and Ill Hamdu Allah. En Shaa Allah i will pray for you please be happy and stop stressing ok be strong look on up in life and i hope to Allah you find Good Muslim Man. what you deserve.

    Rita

  5. Salam sister,
    First and foremost, I do not judge you at all for Allah is the one who is the real judge, not us human. From your post, I can sense that you feel immense regret and remorse for what you have done. Ultimately, when Allah forbids us from something, it is for our own good, for his wisdom and knowledge is something no one can ever comprehend. He is the knower of all. Therefore, it's best to just stay away from such situations that lead us to commit haram. However, since shaitaan is with us all the time, we unfortunately fall weak at times. I completely understand how you may be feeling as I went through something similar (but even worse) than your situation. Sister, you should thank Allah endless times that you are still a virgin, alhumdulillah! Some of us women unfortunately get so used by these men that we loose the most precious gem we intend to protect: our virginity. So consider this a blessing in disguise! You may say but how? We went so physical and intimate that is also a sin! Surely, it is, but sister, you have not been damaged to the extent that you cannot reverse the damage. You can. Pray and begg Allah SBT for forgiveness and thank him endless time as things could have been worse. You are one of the lucky girls that didn't end up getting completely used. Now, from this experience you can understand better the nature of man (not all men, but the selfish ones) and how to stay away from similar encounters in the future. Even if you are engaged, bear in mind sister, engagment has no Islamic standing, nikah does, so that means this "bond" can break any time. Therefore, even though you may be engaged there is no gurantee that things cannot end. You are still precious and worthy of respect and love. The best thing is that you feel regret and inshAllah this regret will keep you away from committing future sins. So consider yourself lucky and count your blessings! As I mentioned earlier, things could have been worse (you loosing your virginity). I know it's going to be tough but think about it this way. This guy used you and left, what gurantee do you have that he would have been loyal with you after marriage. Consider yourself lucky as Allah showed you the true him.

  6. salaam everyone, thank you so much for your comments. Its been quite a few months since this all happened...I spoke to him a few times in the hope of reconciliation, because i realised that ultimately neither of us were bad people but we made a lot of mistakes and were both stubborn. I also wanted to reconcile to protect both our honours. Unfortunately, though it seems he has moved on, but he says he respects me. I feel very hurt, I just want Allah to make him change his mind, and become a better person so that we both get married and have a happy life together. I have tried so hard, but I can't forget him and I can't stop the flashbacks I have of what we did together. I am finding each day a burden and am feeling so helpless and am finding it difficult to function with my daily routine...I just don't know what to do...I keep doing dua to Allah to give me happiness soon.

    • Wasalam, Sister,

      Thank you very much for sharing.

      Everything is taking it´s right speed and the normal process to heal. Once you let him go, it will be faster. I t is normal that you tried to solve it, you feel for him, I am thankful that he was honest to you about his feelings, this way you can see that he is past, Alhamdulillah.

      You are the Present and your Present has to be ready for a life full of opportunities to grow up, go step by step, but, please, move forward, insha´Allah.

      Give the love you feel for this man to Allah(swt) in every prayer, He will heal your wounds, insha´Allah.

      There is a beautiful poem that one of the writers, her name is Precious Star, shared with all of us,

      PRAYER FOR EMOTIONAL HEALING

      Loving God,
      I come before You with faith
      in Your promise
      that whatever I ask for in Your name
      You will grant to me if it is for the good
      of my soul and in accordance
      with Your Divine Will.

      I come trusting in Your great love for me
      and believing that only You
      know what is best for me.
      I come to You now to ask
      that You enter my heart
      and heal all my wounded emotions.

      You know me better than I know myself.
      Bring Your healing love
      into every corner of my heart
      and release all the buried
      negative emotions inside
      that have not been resolved
      and continue to cause
      me pain and anguish.

      Remove all unhealed hurts
      and painful memories
      that block the flow of Your graces,
      robbing me of Your peace, love and joy.

      Heal all feelings of sadness, loneliness,
      fear and anxiety.
      Heal all guilt, despair,
      feelings of betrayal and rejection.
      Heal all feelings of anger, hatred,
      resentment and bitterness.

      Bring Your healing love to all my emotions
      that have caused me feelings
      of hopelessness, discouragement,
      helplessness and despair.

      Grant me the grace to forgive all those
      who caused these negative
      emotions and likewise to be forgiven
      by those to whom I have done the same harm.

      O Allah, give me a repentant heart,
      forgive me for my sins
      and failures, and be merciful to me.
      Help me to realize the blessings
      that resulted from each painful experience
      and how this has led me closer to You.

      As You release from me
      all these painful emotions,
      fill all empty spaces
      with Your love, Your peace, Your joy
      and the powerful presence
      of Your Mercy.
      After I have been healed,
      may my life be a witness
      to Your power and glory
      and may I reach out to others, too

      Allah(swt) knows best.

      All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • ConfusedPuzzled:
      Your post has sent chills up my spine. I feel that I have walked in your footsteps in the recent past, although I did not engage in the extent of intimacy that you have (although I will admit that I was intimate with my beloved and I did transgress certain boundaries for which I have begged Allah for forgiveness). Several months ago, I too re-approached him and asked that we try again. My situation was a bit more complicated because he wasn't muslim, so the obstacles for us were far more severe - he was kind and loving and treated me like gold, but he could not accept Islam for my sake. So he had moved on and in fact met someone else while we had been apart. He told me he still had feelings for me and cared about me, but he had moved on. I had a hard time accepting that during our separation, while my feelings remained strong, he had moved on yet he still cared about me.

      He has done you a favour, dear sister, in telling you that he has moved on. Please, please, do not torture yourself by wishing and praying that he will come back. Allah cannot change his mind, Allah will not interfere with his free will to move on.

      You must focus on moving on as well. It will be difficult, as you already know; I can tell you from personal experience that every step and breath I have taken in the last 5 months have been painful. Yet somehow life marches forward. The hurt does not stop. I am a lot older than you -- in losing my beloved, I am also losing my last opportunity to be with a husband and the opportunity to have children -- yet still I have to intellectually accept that he has moved on and I must move on as well. Please, do the same. You are young - you have so many years to find a nice man and establish a family for yourself!!!! Do not waste time in wishing for a reunion with this man, especially after the way he treated you. If it is meant to happen, it will happen, but also remember that people in general never really change; if he treated you poorly in the past, then it is for the best that things have worked out the way they did.

      In the meantime, focus on your future; don't idealize a past.

      There is a hadith, I think, that says something to the effect of: what was meant to touch you could not have been avoided, and what is not meant to touch you will never touch you. You can wish and hope and pray as much as you want, but you can't change the past and if it is not meant to be you can't change the future either. Leave it in God's hands - He knows whats best for you.

      I really wish you the best. Healing takes time, and although i have not healed yet and I still cry every day, I know healing will happen eventually. The wound will bleed for a long time but you can still keep moving forward and eventually the would will close up. That is my hope for myself, and it is my hope for you.

      I read a quote the other day that said: "Disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal; it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it. Although you might hope to be someone remembered for a success, what will make or break ou is how you live your darkest hours."

      Here is a beautiful website for you to visit: http://sidramushtaq.wordpress.com/category/broken-hearts/

      Please take my advice from someone who has been in your shoes and still is.

  7. Thank you very much for your advice. I feel strange, on some days I have so much patience and utmost trust in Allah, on other days I feel so hopeless like I will never be happy again. I wish I had never got myself into this mess...it was my stupidity and lack of will power that landed me in this sorry state. Although less frequently than before I am still experiencing so much agony over my mistakes, I feel so dirty and used...I can't seem to move on from this feeling. And I feel that even though he lured me into this mess, he has also now lost respect for me as he thinks I am cheap. I just want him to change, become stronger in his imaan and come back to me because I know we can make things work if we follow the right path and remain islamically orientated. I am not desperate, but since I have made mistakes with him I want him to protect my honour and respectfully make me his wife. He has a lot of good qualities too which make me regret everything that has happened. Each day is such a burden, I feel like my head will burst, I just need a solution to all this and be able to live my life again. I am feeling so depressed that it is beginning to affect my relationship with my parents, they are also becoming depressed to see me like this. This makes it even harder because I am hiding all my feelings, or at least trying to so my parents see a happy front to me and are not troubled. I need Allah, to help me and guide me...I feel so scared and confused.

    • Salaam sister confusedpuzzles.

      These feelings you are feeling are all normal. You are not cheap, even if he treated you that way. You made a mistake, you committed a sin, but if you feel remorse and repent - Allah will forgive you. You are a diamond. Never forget that. Also never forget that Allah swt blessed you with the greatest gift.
      ISLAM.
      So please hold on to this. I wanted to add something very important and Im sorry if you already know this, but I must say it:
      - Repent sincerely and continously.
      - Make salatul Tawbah

      Conditions of repentance
      The conditions for repentance are well known:

      1. Leaving the sin;
      2. Remorse over having committed the sin;
      3. Resolve never to return to the sin;

      Dont despair, dont doubt Allah swt mercy.

      Also my dear sister - know that in time you will heal. Heartbreak is like a disease. Sometimes the only way to heal is to cope with the inevitable pain. You will go through stages of sadness, anger, confusion.

      But you need to let him go. Tell yourself now that you need to move on. Marrying him will not honour it - this man wants to move on. Please accept it and that he was bad for you. The sooner you accept this the easier it will be for you.

      There is some good advice which should help you on this post InshaAllah
      http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/controlling-and-abusive-boyfriend-ruined-my-life-4/

      Pray your salat 5x if you dont already. Read Qur'an. Try to get closer to Allah swt in the long term.
      I pray that Allah swt helps you dear sister
      Ameen

      Sara
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor
      x

  8. I also feel scared that I will never marry, or will not be able to develop trust and feelings for anyone else. I need Allah - I feel so scared.

    • As salamu alaykum confusedpuzzle,

      I agree completely with our Sister Sarah told you, listen to her, please.

      What I can add is the following, the main emotions you are dealing at this moment, is fear, confusion and feeling dirty, all of them has to do with the capability of a human being to develop their creativity. I encourage you to look for something that you enjoy doing, think about your childhood, what did you like to do specially when you were little, what kept your attention, that the hours turned into minutes, drawing, designing, cooking, painting, writing... this is one way of strengthening your inner self, insha´Allah.

      Other way is strengthening your physical body, I told you before how to do it in general, but a few tips more to deal with your actual emotional state, eat and drink everything warm, coldness will bring more fear and insecurities, don´t believe me blindly experience it by yourself; at 5 in the afternoon is good that you sit for a cup of herbal tea if you have the time, share it with your family if you can, if you are alone just be here and now (a nice hot cup of herbal tea (avoid black tea for a while please, it has more or less the same effects than coffee).

      You will marry insha´Allah, those fears will evaporate once you strengthen yourself, those are dark clouds that will dissappear once you put your feet firmly in the Straight Path. Giving your fears to Allah for sure is the best of the ways, Alhamdulillah.

      Take care of yourself and keep striving my beloved confussedpuzzle.

      All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Suppor,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  9. Dear Confusedpuzzled

    You have got allah sister, you are not cheap please don’t say that you still have a chance to rebuild your life again. This guy clearly used you and made you feel like this you must be strong and never give in to his demands. This guy has done you a favour he’s moved on, what does that tell you. If he had honour and respect for you then he would have married you knowing the wrong you both did together, but obviously for him it wasn’t enough. You need to count your blessings you didn’t lose anything more serious, you will in time get over this if you let yourself become stronger you see it was better for you it was a sign from allah. You got to move on with your life ahead of you, you are worth more than this allah is always with you if you sincerely let allah in your prayers will be answered inshallah you will get married. You are in a test with the rest of us have sabr, read namaz regularly, take those thoughts out of your head because the more you keep dwelling on them the more you be likely to do bad things. I hope in time you get through this and this makes you stronger.

  10. Salam alaykum sister i understand you and i know u dont want to feel desperate but why not give it another chance yes and become his wife i hope all the best for you and your hopefully husband to be, please dont be depressed we all make mistakes but its about learning from it and you did because u want make life better so be happy may Allah bless and protect you and your family .xx

  11. salaam, thank you for all your advice. But no matter how hard i try i can't move on,. I feel immense guilt over my sin, and this is what i deserved. He said he loved me but i drove him away too and now no one else wants to marry me. I can't be bothered with life any more, its such a burden.

    • Confused Puzzle,

      You are confused and I want to make things clearer for you by reminding you of your own experience from your own account:

      1. You began to resent your ex because you were becoming someone you did not like while you were with him. This is because deep down your fitrah (the one we are all born with) was reaching out to you, so you were feeling uncomfortable doing what is wrong. Naturally you began disliking his behaviour.

      2. You had disagreements with your ex because he wanted to have haraam physical relations with you but he felt no guilt and did not care about how you felt. This is because your ex was clearly distant from his deen and had lost his awareness of the Hereafter. Is this a trait you want your husband to have?

      3. You on the other hand were not happy with this and only gave in because you fell weak to your natural human desires and because he was emotionally pressuring you. Do you really want a husband who pressures you to do things that you are not happy with and that Allah forbids?

      4. You were not good for each other's Hereafter, if you had been, you would not be engaging in haraam relations. Do you really want a husband who is bad for your Hereafter?

      5. Apart from being very bad for each's Hereafter, you would only have been able to live with each other in this life without clashing, if you had shared his repulsive attitude towards engaging in haraam relations. Do you really want to end up selling your soul by forgetting what you believe in just to be with this 'man'?

      *** 'Confused Puzzle': You were both clashing on a fundamental value. Not just something small like you wanted brown bread and he wanted white bread. Your reasons for conflicting and clashing were detrimental to your soul.

      I can only reiterate what the others have said to you and that is that you are fortunate that Allah had instilled in your heart that feeling of 'Guilt', of 'not wanting to sin further' and of 'dislike for your ex'. So instead of believing this pathetic man's winces of 'I love you but you drove me away', remind yourself that you were in fact saved from him and that was a blessing in disguise for you. Next time he tells you that, say: 'Thank God if I drove you away, its the best thing I ever did - Alhumdulillah'.

      You are only 24 years young. InshaAllah when you are a happier, mentally stronger woman, you will find the right person. If you live in London, there is a one day lecture that will be good for you to attend inshaAllah on Saturday 19th March 2011 about 'Tawbah and Repentance': http://www.utrujj.org/course.php?id=242

      Sister, if there was no way for you to be forgiven, the concept of forgiveness would not have mentioned in the Quran so many times'.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor

  12. The only thing I can add here is that there is no reason for you to keep punishing yourself, surrender to Allah, listen to Sister Z and as she said, Alhamdulillah you drove him away.

    LOVE has a meaning that I don´t think this man is able to understand, and be for sure, that a person that love and respect you won´t push you beyond the limits, that has other name, this person doesn´t deserve more words that have already gotten, focus in your now, surrender to Allah(swt) to bring Hope to your life,it will take time but you will get it, and yes you will marry when the time is right, insha´Allah.

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  13. The reason why its so hard is because I did take him for granted, he did a lot to please me initially, showed me a lot of affection and his intention was to definitely marry me, I needed more time though because I felt he wanted to marry me out of desperation. I was a good catch, came from a good family background, very well educated with an excellent job and not so bad looking. He on the other hand was in his final year of study, was 7 years older than me and had not kept himself in good shape. However, I felt I was the one making all the compromises and then when all this physical stuff started happening I got so many doubts in my mind that I started becoming very bitter. I did attempt to end things many times, but he would always talk me out of it and promise me he would make me happy and not touch me again, but then he would and although i was resistant i would eventually give in. I know I am probably better off without him, but I feel so stupid that I let myself develop feelings for him and can now only think of his positive points, while he is so easily moving on. I never thought i would be in this position wasting my time over him. I need Allah to help me find my happiness and confidence agian, because at the moment i feel like i cant go on.

    • Dear Sister,

      How did you take him for granted? You needed more time. There is nothing wrong with that. You were going to make a very important decision and NO-ONE should pressure you. No-one is saying this man was all bad, no-one is all bad - but what he did to you by pressuring you and pushing you to have physical relations and then did not even feel guilty about it was a very bad thing. Thats enough Sister, that is enough to tell that he was not good for you and is still not right for you.

      Now you are feeling empty and you are mourning, even though your logic tells you that you this man was not really good for you. But this is natural. When something becomes a habit in our lives, whether this be a good habit or a bad habit, it is difficult when it is taken away from us. Smoking/Drinking is bad for our health, but trying to leave that is a struggle for the one who has become addicted to it, because he finds comfort in this thing. However, he has to fight with his nafs to overcome it, he has to take the pain of the withdrawal symptoms, because he knows that the only way he will rid himself of this 'bad thing' will be to endure it for some time. That time is difficult, dark and painful. But when he gets past that stage, he feels relieved, he feels free and he feels ready to continue with life with confidence and happiness.

      You will get through inshaAllah.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor

      • I totally agree with Sisterz,
        when something becomes habitual and you decide to leave it, you experience withdrawal sympmtoms, especially if it is an addiction. And love is at times very addictive. We become so used to it, that when its out of our lives, we feel that void and psychologically our mind is not able to cope with it. If you want to look at it from a scientific perspective, we tend to form 'hardwired neural pathways' that get engraved in our brain activity so it's hard to change those nueral pathways. In other words, when our body becomes used to something, our body and our brain becomes highly dependent on it. Therefore, when we let go, it takes our brain and body some time to get used to the loss of that thing and form a different method to fill that "void".
        Sister, all I can say is that you need to stop wallowing in your miseary. It's time you get up and look at yourself and start loving yourself again. You said it yourself that aldumulillah you are a young, beautiful and intelligent woman with good intellects and this person was not really for your league anyway, so if he can move on so fast, why arent you? Heck, you should move on faster because you KNOW your better. But I know that you were sincere that's why it'll take you time. You get very emotionally bonded with this person, but now it's time to let go of the hope for the PAST and instead build hope for the PRESENT and FUTURE. I know you can do it, you just need to start changing perspectives and thank Allah for things could have been worse (you could have lost your viginity!)

      • One more thing: Don't feel frightened of letting go. You are holding on to something that is not actually there, but the thought of it gives you comfort. You don't want to let go, because that will creatures, a void in your life. You fear that void will be painful. For a while it will be. But it will also strengthen you.

        So let go of thinking of this man, he is no longer part of your life. He was and he was not good for you. Stand alone for a while. Don't be afraid of that feeling of loneliness. Use that time to meditate and find strength from within yourself. You do not need to rely on a man or on another relationship to pull through, apart from your relationship Allah and your soul.

        SisterZ
        IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor

    • Please, if you have a minute, read this:

      http://islamicsunrays.com/allah-and-his-messenger-are-the-lights/

      May Allahs(swt) give us Light and Hope to keep striving, insha´Allah..

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  14. I know all the advice your giving is good, and I am trying so hard to use that advice to move on. One moment I am happy and realise he was not a good man, the next I feel so miserable. I feel like I took him for granted because he made a huge effort for me from day 1, again I don't know why but he wanted things to move really fast, perhaps because of his age, but I needed my time because of the points mentioned above. He did give me time, but other than sinning we both made a lot of other mistakes in the process - I belittled alot of his efforts and he failed to listen to me alot of the time which caused alot of frustration. I know however, that I was genuine I just needed to make sure that he would keep me happy after marriage and wasn';t just pursuing me due to lust. The fact that he has now left me, eventhogh he said it was really hard for him makes me feel very rejected and used, and I feel as though I pushed him away because I would never accept his efforts for me (but he would always say or react in a way that made me question his efforts). I don't know I just wish I could move on or that he would come back a changed man asap. I hate this, and I hate how tihngs have turned out I feel so weak. Also, im sorry i feel like im going round in circles, but i cant help it, i just want to disappear!

    • Salams my beloved confusedpuzzle,

      Alhamdulillah, to hide in the closet, to dissapear, to be where nobody else knows you, not to talk, not to listen, want to cry all the time, I don´t want to cry anymore, I love him, I hate him, I hate myself, , it is his fault, it is my fault, .... you are in the right track, yes you are in a circle, but the circle is moving even when you don´t notice it. Alhamdulillah, Allah(swt) is listening to your prayers, Subhana Allah.

      Thank you for sharing.

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  15. I feel so sad, I am really hurt. I don't want to move on from him, I still want him back and want him to become a better muslim and come back so we can get married. I don't think I will ever feel ready to marry anyone else - I am in such an awful position at the moment, nothing feels right, nothing feels good and I feel unhappy and trapped. I feel like he is unintentionally hurting me because I took him for granted in the past and that hurt him.

    • You are in the acute stage of grieving. With time, you will accept what has happened, and you will want him less. The intensity of missing him and missing "what was" will diminish. You just have to be patient. Everyone makes mistakes in human relationships - whether it is with our parents, our friends, or someone we want to marry; don't be too hard on yourself about that, and recognize that you can never ever turn back the clock to make things right again with this man. And I think that is what you are doing and it is frustrating you. For your own sanity you must stop. What happened, happened. Be gentle with yourself. Remember that God is gentle too; remember that His name is Al-Lateef, the gentle one.

      I think you said you are 25 yrs old? You have your whole adult life ahead of you - surely there are other men better than the one who treated you unkindly? That being said, don't focus too much on the future right now; focus on yourself and your own healing. You don't know what the future will bring.

      Although you will begin to accept this man's absence from your world and miss him less, the pain itself might take longer to go away. That's ok, there is nothing you can do about that - just let it be and let it run its course. The most important thing to remember is that with time you will slowly miss him less and come to accept what has happened. But you need to be patient because everyone has their own timeline - with me, it has been 7 months and the pain still cuts like a knife every single day, and I truly feel that there is a darkness hovering over me, but I now know that I have no control over it - its like an unwanted guest who will go away when he's good and ready! Pray to Allah SWT for patience. Read sura Kahf (the Cave) in English - it is a wonderful story about patience and the wisdom behind the destiny God has written for each of us.

      Finally, I really caution you to be careful in putting all of your hopes, dreams and prayers in wanting this man to come back to you. You may get "stuck". There is nothing wrong with believing that God will answer your prayers, but if He does not want something it will not happen. God will not change a person until that person changes himself. Instead, God has put all the signs before you to allow you to ponder over whether this man was truly right for you. Listen to God's silence.

    • Give what you feel for him to Allah(swt). Submit to Allah(swt), ask Him for guidance and Light to move on.

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  16. Thanks again for your advice, but I am really sorry I have lost all hope. I have never experienced such pain in my life, and when new proposals do come it is such a huge issue that I wear hijab, I am rejected even before they meet me. I actually have no hope any more, and I feel the one chance I had of marriage I blew it. Recently I have been struggling with everything in life, I am still successful in my career, but everything else is going downhill and I have forgotten what it feels like to be happy. I really have lost hope, and have not felt happy in a long time, I just don't see the point of anything anymore. I wear hijab, I try to do everything islamically, I have performed both Hajj and Umrah with pure intentions, I attempt to pray 5 times a day, and apart from the sin mentioned above I haven't committed any major sins, don't engage in smoking, drinking, clubbing. Its now come to a point where I am finding it physically difficult to carry on, I just really cannot be bothered anymore.

  17. When I was little my mother told me to say anytime I had fear: God is the Ruler of the Universe. Anytime I said this, all the fears and sufferings dissapears, how did you get comfort when you were little?

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  18. To be completely honest up till now I have never lost hope or confidence, if I had a fear it would go away very soon and there wasn't anything in specific I did. I have worked hard and have been very successful achieving many goals and have made my parents very proud. But recently things are not going so well, this man broke my heart my feelings for him were genuine, but perhaps it was me that drove him away I really don't know...and nothing else seems to be going right either. I feel like a complete failure and I have lost my dignity and honour to this man who now doesn't even care about me. I know it was my stupidity that I am in this position, but I just feel very disappointed in myself for displeasing Allah and breaking my parents trust in me and sometimes these feelings are just very overwhelming. I'm trying to move on and think of the future, but at the moment it feels impossible.

  19. Normally, life trains us, little by little, to deal with dissapointment, but sometimes we get all in one bite, as it has happened to you, that is why you are struggling so much, your roots are shaking so hard because you didn´t feel this way before, where did your confidence lie before? what did you make feel so strong?

    What is being tested in you with all this situation? You don´t need to answer me it is just to think.

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  20. please do dua for me that Allah swt fulfils all my wishes very soon.

  21. finally the advice given above is starting to make sense, i have moved on from him and definetly don't want him back in my life unless he returns as a better muslim. I am just finding it really hard to forgive him and myself, I feel very used by him, I realise now that he was not a decent guy and there were a lot of tell tale signs but I ignored them and instead I was trying to change him into someone that he wasn't. In the process I unfortunately became weak and he left me used and dirty, and said so many hurtful words to me. He even knew himself that he was not good enough for me, and realised that I was trying so hard to make things work because of the mistakes we had made. But he wasn't all bad and had the potential to improve but I realise now that despite what he said his actions did not show me any respect or remorse for his behaviour, neither did his family show any interest. I feel much happier now alhamdulillah and stronger to move on with someone else. I just feel like telling him all this and expressing my anger and hurt. Now that I have decided to move on I realise it may take some time to find the right person but what really brings me down is that I wear a hijab and its such a huge issue for people that I am judged and then rejected without any fault or them having met me. I am trying to think positively, and perhaps this is Allahs way to filter anyone that is bad for my deen and my life until I meet the person that is right for me.

  22. As salamu alaykum confussedpuzzle,

    Alhamdulillah! Nice to know about you my beloved sister.Alhamdulillah! you are returning to your strong roots, Alhamdulillah.
    Masalaam.

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  23. It has been 6 months since all this happened and I am moving on slowly, and have realised he was not a decent guy, but I still think about him every single day and miss him, but most of all I feel upset that I let this happen to me, I let him use me. I want to call him and tell him that what he has done was not right, and I want him to give me an explanation for why he treated me this way. I want to call him but I don't know if thats wise, since he has not called me even once.

    • ConfusedPuzzle,

      Don't call him. It'll do nothing but boost his ego. The best revenge for such a guy is 'silence' and 'your happiness'. Of course, thats not the reason to remain silent or to strive to be happy, but try it and it'll make him reflect on his bad behaviour and inshaAllah help you heal.

      I know you have an urge to call him, but when you have that urge, ask yourself: 'What do I want to achieve by calling him?'

      If you want to call him to gain the satisfaction of hearing him say 'sorry', you're wasting your time. If its to try and let him know that he treated you badly, the likelihood is, he'll say something to make you feel bad instead. So steer clear of him. You have no need to call him.

      When your fingers fidget to text or dial his number, grab a tasbih/prayer beads and start doing dhikr. After a while that feeling of wanting to just give in to that urge will wither and decrease. And when you have recovered from the hangover of that insanely and ghostly possession that had taken over your senses flies away, you'll feel better for not contacting him. When that urge crops up again (and it will), grasp hold of that tasbih again. Keep one in your pocket, you never know when your fingers will get the itch to twitch, it works! Keep at it, eventually, you won't ever want to contact your ex again, you won't even think about him anymore. Think of this as a nafs strengthening exercise - the ingredients are sabr, time and eman.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor

      • Sisterz,
        I agree with your response entirely but something made me ponder after reading your post.
        Does our silence actually make these guys ponder and think that they may have wronged us or are they just too shallow to ever realize their mistake? I know it's irrelevant and does not matter, moving on is the key but that's just something I'm curious about because I personally think many of these guys wont ever realize their wrong doing...

        • Dear Helping Sister,

          Hmm, I think you already know the answer to your question.

          Its simple. I believe that every man knows if he has wronged a woman, but not all of them care. The one's who turn towards Allah, do feel guilt and become humble through this. The one's who are arrogant, will feel no guilt and won't care. Don't let these men pull your strings even after they are an 'ex'.

          ***

          At the same time, the Sisters need to also remember that although they have been wronged by these men, they themselves have also wronged Allah due to their were weak faith and unsound hearts. So another way of steering clear of contacting these ex-boyfriends, is by reminding oneself of this very serious fact.

          SisterZ
          IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor

  24. Its agonising when you realise the extent of your sin - I personally had flashbacks for a long time waking me up at night and causing me alot of distress. The only reason I can't let go of him now is because of the sins we committed together, I hate him for abandoning me, but at the same time I know he has the potential to develop his imaan and we can work through things together and protect each others honour. I keep thinking all day every day, its a constant conflict in my head about whether to keep trying and inshaAllah for him to change and become god fearing so that I can live my life with him and we can repent together. Or to leave him completely, which is what I have been trying to do because he is clearly not interested and wait for the scars to fade. It's not a nice life to be living and I have repented, and am full of regret and guilt. I am just waiting now for Allah to make things better for me, and for me to be happy and be able to live my life again.

    • Sister,

      I did not mean to remind you of your sin so you begin to feel down again. Feeling remorse is good. But when that guilt doesnt leave and becomes disabling and you begin despairing, that is not good. The next positive step after feeling guilt is not to stay stuck there. It is to have faith in Allah that He has forgiven you and to accept that as a blessing and to then move on.

      How can being with this man protect your honour? It does not make sense. This man is the one who dishonoured you and now you want to re-find your honour through him? You will only re-gain your dignity when you believe that Allah truly forgives and when you forgive yourself.

      Everyone has the potential to be better, but that doesnt mean that we will definitely strive in that direction. I think you are wasting your time waiting for this man to change. You're asking for a personality transplant.

      I attended a course on Tawbah and Repentance just two weeks ago, it was very therapeutical. I will write up my notes and post them here. I think they will be good for you inshaAllah.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor

    • As salamu alaykum confusedpuzzle,

      Thank you for sharing, I hope you don´t mind I give you my opinion. It is good that you want him to improve, but not for the reasons you mentioned, and first of all you should respect his choices in life whatever they are, you want him to be who you want to be and to do what you want to him to do to fit a plan you have imagined to solve your situation. This is not healthy.

      It is normal you have him in your mind, but "Audhu billahi minash shaytanii Rajeem", if you cannot control how you feel when this happens to you, look for refuge in Allah(swt) anytime his image appears in your mind, right now he is a ghost of the past, nothing more than that, don´t create false illusions or hopes, that won´t let you move forward. All of this fills your bag of emotions with guilt and regret, because you are not accepting your life as it is, you are trying to control other to feel better, you were too used to have everything under control, you considered yourself a strong woman that got what you wanted, you were proud of who you were, but now all of these have been tested, ....Humility, Patience, Faith, Love, Temperance,....all of this virtues and more you can think of are making a place in your Heart throught this test, then Alhamdulillah. You have to repent from your Heart and stop trying to control others destiny, life, thoughts, whatever,... this way your bag of emotions will change of colour and you will have instead of guilt and regret, Hope and Light, insha´Allah.

      Think seriously about the terms: unconditional love, unconditional respect, manipulation, control, submission, ... what do they tell to you? Look for the words in a dictionary, what do they mean to everybody? What do they mean to you? How do you relate to them in your day by day life? Just to think when you have a minute if you want to.

      I love the las phrase you said and I supported completely:
      " I am just waiting now for Allah to make things better for me, and for me to be happy and be able to live my life again" Alhamdulillah, this is a change, this is the begining of your new life, surrendering to Allah and being focus in yourself. Alhamdulillah. You got it. This is healthy. Alhamdulillah.

      Keep striving my beloved sister. Thank you very much for listening to me.

      All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  25. Thank you so much for your advice i appreciate it I really do. I know its a waste of my time and others to keep doing this, and to keep going round in circles. But I can't let go of the fact that there is a man out there that has used me after much resistance from me, he was so charming so loving, that I actually gave in to him. When he broke up with me he told me that things were not good since the beginning of last year but I was not aware of this, and it made me angry that eventhough he felt that way he never spoke to me about it and he still carried on attempting to touch me, even if we met in a public place - he even invited me to his flat, where he used to live to spend the night. He made it sound like it was ok, but thankfully I did not allow for this to happen - I wonder what his intentions were? This is where all the arguments stemmed from, he kept using me against my wishes but I somehow would eventually give in and let him, but I would always stop it, and regret it, and he knew this. I cried in front of him so many times, and told him to help us stop this sin, he promised me he would stop it, but he always broke his promise. He even justified his actions by degrading his own brother and sister, who are respectable people and telling me that they probably got up to things with their partners prior to marriage, how do we know. All the signs were there, I was just so blind, so blind. He promised me that he would treat me as he would like his sister to be treated, but he didn't. And the fact that he now has the upper hand and is getting on with his life is making me feel even more degraded. Before I had met this man I had never ever had any relationship with any man, I was pure, I had no bad intentions and I was respectable and he knew this!! Alhamdulillah I am thankful that Allah has protected me from commiting zina, and has concealed my sin so that I can actually move on with my life, but I take one step forward and 10 steps back. I want my life to go back to normal, I want to be able to function again and I somehow want to erase everything that has happened but I can't. I don;t care about him leaving me, he can marry whoever he wants, but he took away my dignity and left me alone to deal with the consequences and thats the part I cannot deal with.

    • As salamu alaykum my beloved sister,

      I hope you don´t mind I am going to stop calling you confusedpuzzle, because I would like you to move forward, as you are doing, even when you don´t notice it, you just have the right speed no to repeat the same situation. Words are a powerful tool and the way you refer to yourself has a strong effect in your subconscious.

      Then my beloved sister, you were in love, you loved him, that is why you were so vulnerable, he is just a predator, he didn´t care about you, he just wanted what he wanted, he gained your love and your trust, but Alhamdulillah he got bored of trying, don´t look for more reasons, think about a cat and a mouse, or a killer whale and a baby of other whale, they are just predators, they like to "play" with their victims and have fun with their suffering, they just look for their own pleasure, you cannot find a reason that you would understand because their mind works different to yours and most of us. Then everytime this man comes to your mind, "Audhu billahi minash shaytanii Rajeem" Alhamdulillah you are gone, it is your business who you are, Alhamdulillah only Allah(swt) has power over me and my Life,Alhamdulillah.

      About the steps, you move one forward and a decimal back to reassure that what you have learnt it is assimilated in your Heart. Then this is right.

      Here we say: "the thief believes everyone is a thief", he thought bad about others because his thought weren´t good, now you have your eyes wide open, Alhamdulillah, thanks to him you have learnt a lot, Alhamdulillah. He has done his job, now it is time to let him go consciously, ask Allah(swt) to help you to forgive him and yourself and it is time for you to be the owner of your Life, Life is full of gifts and blessings for you and you are the only one that can open all of them, then go for it, insha´Allah.

      All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  26. What I don't understand is that if he was the one that wronged me then why do I feel so guilty and why am I suffering? I am in agony, nothing makes sense, I cannot enjoy anything life has become so difficult. I want to speak to him and ask him why he has done this?! Why me? Why did he abandon me and throw me away like trash when he had had enough. I can't get over this, everyday is a struggle. I think I will now stop writing about it, because I feel stupid. I am a lost cause, and I don't see myself having a good future. Life is a burden, and I am tired.

    • ConfusedPuzzle,

      Your ex mistreated you and spoke down to you. He was arrogant and tried to pass blame on you. Because you have lost confidence and are feeling insecure, you are believing everything your ex is saying to you, you are not giving yourself any importance - this is why you are suffering. When you feel stronger, you will not care what he says. You are angry because he mistreated you, you feel betrayed and that hurts. That is understandable.

      HOWEVER Sister, your relationship was not a halaal one. He may have be the instigating force behind your physical relationship, but you also had the ability to decline him. Yes, you were emotionally and spiritually weak, but that does not mean you are completely blameless. Allah has told us to stay away from such haraam relationships for this reason, we know the warning signs but choose to ignore them ourselves.

      The day you start taking some reponsibility for your own actions instead of completely victimizing yourself, perhaps that day you will start focussing less on how your ex hurt you and start thinking about how you chose to break Allah's Laws. InshaAllah, this will turn your focus towards your deen since you too are guilty of wronging Allah(swt) and your own soul.

      I am not saying this to make you feel more hurt Sister. I am saying it because I want you to step up and move out of this 'me' mode. You also had choices to make. He instigated, you gave in.

      You can either turn this hurtful experience into something positive by using it to turn towards Allah. Or you can choose to stay here in this dark space, and let your ex continue pulling your strings even after he has left you. You can do better. You can have a husband who is God fearing and loves you because you are too God Fearing. A husband who speaks gently, one who does not speak down to you, or try to emotionally black mail you. One who will support you in all you want to do and never force you against your will, he will respect you, he will pray with you, he will actually love you.

      I know when you are feeling this low, getting out of bed in the morning feels like a major task. But really my Sis, life is not a burden, it is only our errors that make life feel burdensom. Everyday when you wake up and find yourself still alive, you are being given a chance to turn back to Allah and do something good. Allah forgives, and not only this, a good deed wipes out a bad deed. So your life can be better. This time will pass inshaAllah. I want to say 'I promise it will pass', but only Allah can promise such a thing, so I am telling you from experience, that emotional pain caused by anything does eventually pass, difficult as that time is - I know.

      I do not want you to stop writing Sis. I know you are paining and I am sorry, I know this is a viciously terrible feeling. I pray that Allah replaces your pain with the sweetness of emaan very soon. So write here if you need to vent and we will continue talking to you.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • As salamu alaykum my beloved sister,

      You feel this way because you traspassed the barrier of the halal, your inner self was put under so much stress that you are now paying the consequences. Think of light bulb, it will function perfectly with 220 w, if you apply a potency of 250w you will burn the filaments. This is a lesson to know where you have your limits and don´t allow anyone to traspass them, not even yourself because it is too painful, we pay for it sooner or later.

      You have the opportunity to build up a real image of who you are, this is a blessing, not everybody gets to know who they really are, you have the opportunity to struggle to build up your real you, not the one you thought you were, you, the one, that gets up everymorning, Alhamdulillah, that feels as any other human being feels,... rest if you are tired, after resting you will be better, insha´Allah.

      What you are suffering is not only what he has done to you, you are suffering what you have done to yourself, too, this has happened to you because your limits, your boundaries, your frontier between the halal and haram have been tested. When you said he wronged you, you are ignoring you are the one living your life, you are the one responsible for your own decisions, you said you regret and feel guilt, it is a question of acknowledging and acepting your part in what happened and then repent, you cannot blame him for your own acts and you have to look for solutions to yourself, instead of focusing on how bad he was, focus in how to work on taking all your veils from your eyes and see who you are, not who you could be. I haven´t met anyone perfect yet.

      He wasn´t interested in you, that´s all, be sure that if you want to give him a good time, just call him, he has shown to be the kind of man that will enjoy your suffering, you won´t ever understand this because his mind works in a different way than yours. You won´t ever do this to anyone, insha´Allah but there is people out there that does it. Faster you accept it, faster will go the process.

      The question why me? can be answered: it is not you, nothing personal, all of us are being tested in this world in a way or the other. Have you tried to put yourself in the shoes of other people that have been under struggle, have you read this site? you can find a lot of people to help, that are asking for advise, comfort, a glimpse of Light, that will help you to look to other side not so much to yourself, would be a good exercise for you, if you want, you are an intelligent and well prepared woman, why don´t you try it?

      Everything is up to you, insha´Allah. Please keep the doors open to yourself, just rest and take your time, Life is a blessing and deserved to be lived with intensity, you will have the brilliant future you deserve, once you learn the lesson, insha´Allah.

      All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Good strong reply Maria and good analogy, abit like the moth flying towards to light, it burns and withers away. Only this sister, has the chance to start again inshaAllah.

        SisterZ
        IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor

  27. I pleaded and cried to him to give things another chance when he left me, I further lost my dignity by doing this and I realise now that he was not worth it, I should have left him when he was dishonouring me but I kept giving him further chances until he decided to leave me when he got fed up of everything. Thinking about how I lost my dignity, self esteem, confidence and honour to this man is killing me. I want him to know how worthless he is, and how much pain he has caused me, and I want him to know that I was pure until I met him and started making the worst mistakes of my life. I just want him to realise that what he has done is not right, and for him to realise that if the same had happened to his sister he would not tolerate it, then why has he done this to someone else's daughter/sister?????? and why me? since he claimed that he loved me, and could not love another the same way he loved me? then why did he leave.

    • Sister,
      I can understand your pain, trust me when I say this. I want you to know one thing, your guilt is a sign of your emaan. You committed a grave sin but your guilt is what made you realize your wrong doing. This guilt of yours is a que from Allah swt to turn to him and seek his refuge. These feelings of pain, anger, rage, revenge, etc are all very normal but you need to try to control them. This man does not feel guilt and has moved on with his life because his emaan is very low. He does not even realize that he has sinned. All of us are children of Adam (A.S.) but the best among us are those that sin and turn and repent to Allah swt sincerely. This person not realizing his sin and taking it lightly, and moving without guilt is actually quite sad, if you ask me. He is not even blessed enough to receive hadayat from Allah swt (although He knows best if this guy does regret what he has done). But to put it in a nutshell, you need to now focus on YOU.

      Sister, you are not used, nor are you some cheap person. You are a beautiful muslimah with emaan. Take this opportunity to become closer to Allah swt. No matter what advice anyone may give you on this website, you will only find inner peace when you fully surrender yourself to Allah swt (trust me, I've been doing this lately). No human can understand your pain the way Allah swt does, only He can comfort you the way you WANT to be comforted.

      Sister, this guy used you, played with your feelings, and when he got what he wanted he discarded you. You need to thank Allah swt endless times that he freed you from committing further, larger sins. You are one of the lucky ones whom Allah swt saved and protected from shaitaan's trap. You are feeling so much regret right now, how about you take this regret and turn towards Allah swt? He is rahman, rahim, ghafoor, ghaffar, he will inshAllah forgive you and inshAllah he will also bless you with the RIGHT man that is RIGHT for you in this duniya and for your akhirat. This guy was not good for you for this world nor for your akhirat. He was only helping you increase your sins, you must be thankful that Allah took away that source that was taking you towards the path of destruction.

      Sister, these type of men do not think, "I shouldnt do this with such and such girl because I have a mother and sister at home", they have surrender themselves to their desires. They are puppets that are following their nafs, not realizing that what they are doing is not only hurting others but also damaging their souls. Sister, Allah swt is Al-adl (The just) and he is Al-muntaqim (The avenger), you will inshAllah receive your justice, if not in this world but definitely in the akhira. A huge part of being a Muslim is believing in the hereafter, so you must tell yourself that I have left my justice to Allah swt, He is the one who can best avenge me, the punishment that Allah swt can give, no one else can, trust me.

      I am saying all this to you through experience sister, Allah has a plan for you, for me, for everyone. You have tried talking to this guy, you have seeked our help but your heart is still not at ease completely, this time why dont you try to seek Allah swt's help? Go and offer salat-ul hajat and cry your heart out to Allah swt, speak to him like you would to your best friend or mother, with love and affection. Although He knows exactly how you feel, having a conversation with him will help build a bond and connection with him that will make you closer to your rabb, inshAllah. Tell him how you feel, what you want, what you have realized, etc. Trust me, the comfort of Allah swt is something NO ONE can ever give you. Again, I am saying this through experience.

      Lastly, I want to tell you something sister. I am too like you in regards to wanting me "justice", why he did this, why he did that, etc etc, but sister we must look at ourselves too, we fell weak to our desires, we placed this man's love at a higher standing that we disobeyed our creater, our lord. We need to realize that look at what this guy gave you, despite you loving him so much that you commiting sins against yourself and Allah swt. But despite all this, this guy abandoned you, but if you look carefully for a minute, who is still waiting for you with open arms, ready to forgive you, love you and accept you, Allah swt! SubhanAllah, look how much he loves us, we are so blessed sister that we did not die on these sins, we have a chance to repent so please sister, take all this negative energy that is surrounding you and turn it to positive energy and bow infront of your lord, your creator, your rabb, and thank him. He saved your life! You will realize all this not now, but years from now when you mature more, inshAllah.

      Lastly, I want you to tell you something sister. Yesterday, my family was watching the news (regarding our back home country). There was a news that shocked me when my mother told me this last night. Look at how Allah pre plans things! There was this man back home who killed his father 25 years a go for property and buried him in the garden of his home. He told people in his neighbourhood that his father just disappeared randomly without telling him anything. Although, people suspected that he may have killed his father, they did not say anything as they did not have proof. 25 years passed by, and now, the home this guy killed his father in got demolished as the government there ordered the workers to build a road there, and when the workers demolished the home and began making the road, guess what they found? The dead father's skeleton! SubhanAllah, look how Allah swt seeks his justice for those who have been wronged! Now this person is behind bars and who knows what suffering he must be going through. Do you think sister that this person who killed his own father would ever think that Allah swt would punish him and open his sin like this? Look at how Allah swt plans things, so sister patience is the key. If you have been wronged, leave it to Allah swt. He is the best avenger.

      My point here is not to encourage you to dwell on these revengeful thoughts but to inform you that Allah swt will give those who have been wronged and hurt their justice inshAllah. Just leave it to Allah swt and focus on you, your sins, your emaan, your presend and your future.

      I know you can do it, you have survived without him for this long, so you can do it for the rest of your life, inshAllah.

      Stay strong sister!

      • PS: I am sorry for writing so much, didnt realize how much I wrote!

        • Salaams Helping Sister,

          I see the Light of your soft Heart in your words, thank you very much for this beautiful and inspiring reply.

          Jazak Allahu Khayran.

          María
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • You are welcome, sister Maria.
            May Allah swt gives us the hadayat and strength to become better Muslims, ameen.

  28. Thank you for your advice. I am feeling extremely depressed today. I understand where you are all coming from, I should not blame this man for what has happened, I do blame myself because I fell weak, but he left me after he told me he would love me and protect me and I believed him. I guess he became sick of waiting for me to make up my mind, but I never felt relaxed with him, always felt as though I was having to push him away from me so he would not touch me, but then I would become weak and it would feel normal, it felt like he loved me more than anything. I am glad I am not permanently scarred by losing my virginity but what has happened is still hurting me. It is hurting me so much today, I feel so suicidal, I am not happy. Not only have I disgraced myself but I have degraded my parents. My mum knew each time I went to meet him, but she trusted me and I broke her trust, his mum knew too when he came to meet me and he also broke her trust. I feel so scared and alone. If I was not afraid of dying a haraam death by now I would have committed suicide. I feel hopeless. I get over him, only to start thinking about how I have exposed myself to him, I will never regain my respect and dignity, and this man does not seem to care. I let him use me, and he left me dirty. Thank you so much for all your advice, I do try to follow it, I really do but I can't. Everything is becoming a blur, my head feels like it will explode. I need Allah to help me soon, I can't do this on my own anymore.

    • As salamu alaykum, my beloved sister,

      All the Names of Allah are beautiful, one of them As- Salam, try to feel it in your Heart, if you can.

      If you think you are living hell now, won´t be anything compare to a haram death, please when this thought come to your mind, "Audhu billahi minash shaytani Rajeem" throw far from you the evil that want to confuse your soul. Please, fight for your life, it is your right, your blessing, your gift, you are important for your parents, your family, your friends,all of us, you make a difference in our life.

      YOU ARE IMPORTANT TO ME. May Allah(swt) comfort, protect and bring Light to your Heart. Ameen.

      Do you mind if I pray for you?

      From my Heart to your Heart,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • As salamu alaykum my beloved sister,

      I really hope you are doing better today. I have read this today, Sister Z shared with all of us, I couldn´t help but cry, how true are these words, I really would like to share it with you, I hope you don´t mind:

      Prayer of Forgiveness by Hasan al-Basri

      “O Allah, I seek your forgiveness for every sin for which I presented my repentance before You; and regarding which I stood before You swearing an oath in Your name and called Your friends from among Your servants to be my witnesses – that I would never return to disobeying You.

      But when Satan with his cunning tempted me to return to it; and Your forsaking me [due to Your anger over my impiety] caused me to [despairingly] waver toward it; and my lower self invited me to disobey You once more; I hid myself in shame from Your servants, but openly and daringly committed sins before You, though I knew full well that no covering nor any closed door could conceal me from You and no veil could hide me from Your sight.

      I still defied You by disobediently doing what You had prohibited to me; but [despite my iniquity], You did not remove Your covering from me, but rather treated me equal to Your pious servants, as though I had always been an obedient servant and swift to fulfill Your every command and fearful of Your warnings.

      I remained obscure in front of Your servants, and none besides You knew my secret. You did not single me out from Your servants with a mark of disgrace, but instead showered upon me blessings like theirs; and with this You distinguished me over them as though I were, in Your sight, of a status like theirs. All this was owing only of Your forbearance and abundant blessings – generous grace from You to me. For You then, O my Lord, belongs all praise.

      I ask from You, O Allah, just as You have covered my evil deeds in this world, that You do not humiliate me with them on the Day of Judgment. Forgive my sins, O Most Merciful of the merciful!”

      Barak Allah fik my beloved sister.

      From my Heart to your Heart,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  29. I can't get over the fact that I exposed myself to him, and he is comfortably getting on with his life. I have learnt my lesson the hard way. I had kept myself pure for my entire life, why was this destined to happen?! I had ALWAYS prayed to Allah to guide me on the right path, for me to meet a husband that was pious and could help me improve in my deen. I know this is all a result of my wrong doings, but was this destined to happen? I feel so confused, everything is so difficult. I can't think straight anymore.

    • Sister

      Don't pressure yourself. It will take time for you to heal. I know being on the receiving end of betrayal is extremely painful. But what you are feeling is not so abnormal. Sometimes you think you are really moving on and then suddenly that pain comes back. Or at night when its quiet, when driving alone, having time to think - it drives one mad. Which is why its so important for you to keep yourself doing something and try to be around friends or family. Having young children around you can be therapeutical as they always make you smile.

      Even if you feel nothing while doing so, keep doing dhikr. Make a habit of it. If you don't have the physical energy to say it aloud, say it in your mind.

      The pain will go sis, I promise, InshaAllah.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Asalamoalaikum my dear sister,

      I can understand your pain completely. Bear in mind, some days will more difficult than others but you must not loose hope. Always tell yourself things could have been worse. You could have lost your virginity, you could have gotten an STD, or you could have gotten pregnant and then if he had left you, what would you do?

      I understand when you say that you feel so exposed and dirty but how much longer will you beat yourself over this? I am not trying to make your sin seem like it is nothing, of course it is wrong that you did such a thing, but now you have learned that you aren’t as strong as you thought you were. You claim that you never indulged in such a thing, that alhumdulillah you were never tempted before to fall into shaitaan’s trap but at the end of the day we all make mistakes. The best us thought, are those that learn from them and never repeat them again.

      Sister, there are people that are out there that are worse off than you are so do not feel like this is only happened to you or “why me?”. Everyone in their life undergoes hardships in some form; this was your test from Allah swt.

      You have 2 options now:

      1.) you can keep dwelling in this misery and break down your self-esteem and confidence
      or
      2.) you can learn from this experience and vow never to return to this path again and move on, inshAllah

      I am going to say this again and again, you are not dirty nor are you cheap. You are a beautiful and well educated muslimah, mashAllah. Thank Allah swt endless times that this guy didn’t take your most important asset, alhumdulillah. Allah swt spared you from permanent damage that many, many women have to endure.

      This guy isn’t and will never be suitable for you. Tell me honestly, would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who pressures you to go physical with him when you know clearly that it is haram? Is that love? Is that respect? Did he honour your body or soul? Clearly not. Then why do you want such a person back in your life?

      As for him moving on with his life and not regretting what he has done to you, I would suggest (as difficult as this may be for you) that let him be. I know this is one of the toughest things to do right now but you cannot go out there and punish him. Leave it to Allah swt, He knows your pain, He knows the injustice you have had to endure, inshAllah you will get your justice.

      Sister, trust me when I say this, there are girls that are our there that are in worse positions than you are in right now. Some have lost their virginity, been used and abused and thrown like trash. You are so blessed alhumdulillah that he physically didn’t traumatize you nor did he ruin your reputation amongst your family. There are girls who unfortunately under go such situations also.

      He used you physically but sister you still have your soul and conscience, he didn’t take that away from you.

      If you are not already doing so, then you should, is you must offer salat. Once shaitaan cuts your connection with Allah swt (and that is through salat), he is then able to control you through whichever means he likes. You must hold on to the rope of Allah swt and pray to Him when you are upset.

      Lastly, you must not keep beating yourself over this that you have “exposed” yourself to him. You made a mistake and now you have realized. We are all humans sister, we all make mistakes, and some bigger than others but the best of us are those that realize their wrong doing and never turn back to that path again.

      So please stop dwelling over these negative thoughts over and over again. Until you do not forgive yourself, you will never able to move on from this guy. You must accept that you are human and are therefore prone to error. You made a mistake, now you have learned. You must forgive yourself now.

      By punishing yourself, you are only and only causing yourself to suffer while this guy has no clue that you are in pain. Does he really deserve to be in your heart and mind after all that he’s done to you? Definitely not!

      Stay strong sister!

  30. I am really sorry to say this but I am losing my faith, I am not intending to do anything further to dishonour myself or my family, but things are going from bad to worse. I have no hope. I have prayed, I have remained pure my entire life up till this point, apart from what I have not engaged in any other immoral activities in the past nor now. I have completed hajj with full sincereity, I try to pray five times a day, I wear the hijab and I even try to practise Islam the best I can, yet Allah still continues to test me. I am hurting day in and day out, and I can't remember the last time my prayers were answered. From what I can remember 90% of my prayers have remained unanswered. I worked hard, and managed to make something of my life, I have a career and have made my parents proud, but thats about it, and I am grateful to Allah with regards to that. I am sure I am being punished but I have had enough, I have no more patience and no more hope to keep me going. Just when I start to build up hope something happens to break my confidence and self esteem, its one thing after another. It hurts me to say this, and I have tears in my eyes but the way things are going I am falling weaker and weaker in my imaan. I am trying to fight this feeling because I know I will regret it, right now I want to pray my salat because I know I should but I feel so dead inside. There have been too many disappointments, and I am broken beyond repair. I have repented, and I am very sorry for my sins but why does Allah still continue to test me? Am I cursed? Or has someone cast an evil eye on me. With regards to marriage proposals ever since all of this has happened with this man, I am not recievng any proposals, the ones I do recieve are not suitable for me, or I am rejected without even being given a chance. I am beginning to doubt myself, I hate myself. It is so so hard to keep up this act of 'happiness', my parents are sensing my misery and they too are being affected. I try so hard to keep them happy but I can't anymore I just don't have the energy to do it. It is coming to the point, where I want to resign from work - I can't continue my line of work in this state of mind, but I am forcing myself to continue becuase I have worked hard to reach that point. I know for a fact that people out there are in far worse situations than myself but they are strong enough to get through it. And please trust me when I say that I too have been in situations in the past, but they haven't mattered as much because I have been strong enough to get through them and move on. But I don;t have the energy anymore. I need Allah to help me soon, I need His mercy but I know I am not worthy of it and perhaps this is my destiny, I am not meant to be happy.

  31. I am human and therefore will make mistakes so perhaps all of my sins, big and small have accumulated over the years and I am now being constantly tested. It is as though I can feel Allahs anger. I am dead inside, I just don't feel happy anymore, and can't imagine my life improving in any way. I am not going to keep wasting everyones time by writing on here anymore. Thank you for all your advice and support. Wasalaam.

    • As salamu alaykum my beloved Sister,

      You are a blessing for all of us that care about you, you are striving and fighting for life, Alhamdulillah, do as you feel better, any decision you take will be the best, insha´Allah. I will pray for you till you get better, insha´Allah. I am going to hold your hand till you get better, insha´Allah, I care about you, you are important to me, Alhamdulillah. If I have to hold you in my arms till you are better I will do it insha´Allah, I have the strenght to do it until you feel Allah (swt) in your Heart, insha´Allah. I will be here everyday for you, until you get better, insha´Allah.

      Please ask your parents to take you to a counsellor, someone to help you there where you are, they will do it for you, I am sure of it. You need to tell them how you feel, they will look for solutions, I am sure of it, insha´Allah.

      All my Unconditional Love from Heart to Heart,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Dear Confused/Puzzled,

      I'd like to tell you what my counsellor said to me a few months ago. I, too, have been in a tremendous amount of pain over a heartbreak that happened 8 MONTHS AGO, and every day is like a living wound. Sometimes I don't feel like waking up in the morning. I keep wondering, will I ever get better and will Allah SWT ever answer my prayers for healing? I try to do everything right - exercise, take St. John's wort, pray, travel, go to work, etc. And unlike you, I am much, much older, so it is unlikely I will ever get any proposals in the future and have a husband and family of my own.

      My counsellor told me about a study she read once about stroke victims who were left almost completely paralyzed immediatley after their stroke. They begin physiotherapy and rehabilitation immediately after the stroke, but usually the body does not respond at all to such treatment for several months. Many victims will give up on the rehab treatment in those first few months because they do not see any progress. However, there are some who persevere and they keep up with the treatments even though their body does not respond.

      A few months later, once the body has recovered from the acute shock of the stroke, victims begin to make progress and slowly get better. Here's the climax of my story: the stroke victims who persevered during the intiial weeks and months after their stroke and did not give up, go on to make enormous, substantial recovery in their mobility and speech, compared to those victims who gave up initially and who only resumed rehab many months later. In other words, down the road, the ones who persevered despite lack of initial results were far, far better off.

      This was my counsellor's advice and reassurance to me, and it is my advice and reassurance to you, sister. Keep praying and hoping. Keep going to work and keep exercising and eating well. Don't give up. Eventually Insha'Allah, improvement will happen. Eventually, the cloud will be lifted.

      I have a mental vision in my head. I picture all of my prayers and dreams and efforts slowly coming together and exploding in a fireworks display of blessings from God. Almost like a bottle of Coke - if you shake it, then open the top, everything comes rushing out. So all my efforts are just gathering steam, waiting for the right moment to erupt.

      That is my hope for myself, sister, and it is my hope for you. Don't worry.

      • Precious Star,

        That is such a lovely description you have given: "I have a mental vision in my head. I picture all of my prayers and dreams and efforts slowly coming together and exploding in a fireworks display of blessings from God. Almost like a bottle of Coke - if you shake it, then open the top, everything comes rushing out. So all my efforts are just gathering steam, waiting for the right moment to erupt."

        SisterZ
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor
        x

  32. As salamu alaykum, my beloved Sister,

    I hope you are feeling better today, insha´Allah.

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  33. As salamu alaykum my beloved Sister,

    I´ve read this today:

    High status can only be attained through suffering, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him said, when he was asked which people suffer the most. He said, “The Prophets, then righteous people, then the next best and the next best. A man will suffer according to his level of faith. If his faith is solid, he will suffer more, but if his faith is shaky, he will suffer less. The believer will keep on suffering until he walks on the earth with no sin.” (reported by al-Tirmidhi and others).

    You said this the other day, your words are wise, Alhamdulillah.

    I read this too:

    The Prophet ﷺ taught us some beautiful words, in one of the opening du`a’:
    اللهم باعد بيني وبين خطاياي كما باعدت بين المشرق والمغرب اللهم نقني من خطاياي كما ينقى الثوب الأبيض من الدنس اللهم اغسلني من خطاياي بالثلج والماء والب
    Allahumma baa’id bayni wa bayna khataayaaya kama baa’adta bayna al-mashriqi wa’l-maghrib. Allahumma naqqini min khataayaaya kama yunaqqa al-thawb al-abyad min al-danas. Allaahumma ighsilni min khataayaaya bi’l-thalji wa’l-maa’i wa’l-barad.
    “O Allah, put a great distance between me and my sins, as great as the distance You have made between the East and the West. O Allah, cleanse me of sin as a white garment is cleansed from filth. O Allah, wash away my sins with snow and water and hail.” (Bukhari)
    In the first part, we are asking Allah (swt) to keep us far from the sins we have not committed yet. In the second part, we are asking Allah (swt) to cleanse us of those sins we did commit. And the third is greater, because we are asking Allah (swt) to purify us. The choice of the words “snow and water and hail” signifies being washed of our sins. The snow and the hail have a cooling effect, like the forgiveness from Allah of our sins.

    I hope this helps, insha ´Allah.

    From Heart to Heart,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  34. salaam, thank you, you are all very kind. As I mentioned earlier I am no longer going to write on here with my sob story. I am completely dead inside, completely but I wanted to show my appreciation for all your efforts.

    Sister Maria, your advice has been precious - I was losing my faith, I felt and still sometimes feel it a struggle to even pray my five daily prayers because I have given up. I feel disappointed with life, and after much worship, and attempting to stay on the right path and doing lots of duas to Allah swt to guide me, I am unable to understand why I am constantly being tested, especially now when I am in great need of happiness to get my life back on treck and to be there for my parents. But alhamdulillah the hadith you mentioned above did help me, and I am trying very hard to undo the damage done by the shaytaan and my weak nafs but I suppose it will take time, or it may never happen. With regards to counselling, I too am a professional and I recognise my symptoms to be consistent with depression, I know I need counselling but it is not practical for me. I will keep attempting to overcome this by myself, and inshaAllah with the help of Allah. I am unable to fully discuss all the details with my parents as they are not strong enough to deal with it. It upsets them greatly to see me in this state, and they only see the surface of my emotions. My mum constantly blames herself for my state, and she feels it is because of her shortcomings of letting me meet this man that today I am seeing this day. I know that she then cries in secret, and becomes unhappy and I cannot bear to see this. I can see the pain in my parents eyes, and it hurts me but unfortunately I am no longer strong enough to keep them happy, I am struggling to keep myself going.

    Thank you precious star for sharing your experiences with me, it was a great comfort to know that there is someone out there that has faced a similar situation. You were an inspiration, and to a certain extent your kind words and advice gave me some strength to move forward. Allah protected you fortunately, and you were strong enough to not sin to the extent that I did, alhamdulillah you are very lucky indeed. I on the other hand was very weak, which resulted in my heart being broken, being used and being dishonoured and then I lost any remaining dignity I had by chasing after this man to give me a second chance, when clearly he did not even care about me!!! I will also try st johns wort, and see if that helps the situation but I know deep down that I need this man to feel remorse for the sin, and to feel regret for what we have done. Him not caring about me is the main source of my unhappiness, he truly did use me, and unfortunately I let him.

    Helping sister and sister Z, thank you so much for putting up with my constant words of misery. You will not believe what a huge comfort it was to be able to write on here and receive a response, and to know that there were people out there who did genuinely care. I did take your advice and I resisted the urge to contact him. He however sent me a text to wish me well a few days ago, it was random and I thought that perhaps he had changed and had realised the extent of our sin - he knew how upset I was over this. I did not want to reply to this text, because I was trying hard to move on from him and was not sure whether to trust him or why exactly he had sent the text, but I replied to say thank you. Again, this was a mistake, because he did not respond, and I felt like it was an ego boost for him knowing that I had acknowledged and replied to his text? He has done this before, when I have spoken to him and ended things and have stopped contact he has randomly text me to wish me luck for exams etc, and then stopped contacting me. It is very hurtful that he does this, it is like he is throwing salt over my wounds and my gut instinct tells me that he could not care less how I felt. Tomorrow I plan to return all the gifts he ever gave me and will change my number soon, that will be a final closure for me and inshaAllah a new start.

    Anyway, thank you all for your patience and kind words of support and wisdom. They were a great comfort. I will do sincere dua that you are all granted much happiness, and success both in this world and the hereafter. I pray that Allah blesses you in the work that you do and that it is a source of comfort for you in your graves and the hereafter, the same way you aim to provide comfort to those in need. May Allah swt always bless you with strong imaan so that you are amongst the righteous on the day of judgement, ameen.

    Please keep me in your most sincerest of duas, I want to be relieved of this misery and be happy again.

    Take care,

    Your sister in Islam.

    • Salaams, my beloved Sister,

      Alhamdulillah. Thank you very much for your appreciation and for opening your Heart once again.

      You sound different, Alhamdulillah and you want to stop contact with him, Alhamdulillah.

      Sorry for this, but I would give the gifts to a shelter, aren´t these gifts yours? they don´t mean anything to you, do they? then get rid of them, don´t give them back to him, if you do this he would feel that you try to provoke him to react or contact you or something like that, just to think about it.

      Don´t think it was wrong to answer, you were just polite, it didn´t mean you felt or expect anything, even when you expected, he doesn´t need to know this. And you are getting stronger and stronger, Alhamdulillah.

      I have you in my Heart and my duas my beloved Sister, Alhamdulillah.

      Forget you are a counsellor when you are not working and go out for a walk with your mum, or shopping, or to eat an icecream, just enjoy being with her, plan on doing something together, a special meal for the family, care of the garden, go to buy new flowers, hug her, tell her how much you love her, touch her face lovingly, give her a sweet and caring massage on the shoulders, kiss her, show her how much you love her and how important she is to you, that will help you to heal both of you, insha´Allah, just some ideas, sure you have more, insha´Allah.

      To have family is a blessing, care of them if you are close to your father, show him your respect and how much you value his presence in your life, be gentle and loving towards him. Feel the love for your family in your Heart, that will help you to heal all of you.

      The only way I have to show my Love towards you is telling you how much I love you through my words and being here, I hope from all my Heart that you find what is the best in this Life for you, insha´Allah.

      All my Love and Respect to you and your family from all my Heart,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Asalamoalaikum sister,
      it is no problem at all but if any time you feel you are upset you can always continue to write to us. I can understand you a lot because I am going through something some what similar. It is always easy to advise but following one's own advice takes a lot of strength and time.

      Rest assured, you will move on but as Sisterz has pointed out you are still letting him pull your strings although he is not in your life. I know, it's difficult not to think about him or even wonder how he's moved on so fast while you're still hurting but the truth is he wasnt sincere with you, like you were with him. Therefore, it is easier for him not to feel the hurt and pain and progress with his life.

      Also, I think it's fantastic that you are deciding to change your phone number. Trust me, it will improve your situation a lot because you wont be expecting anymore unwanted text messages from him. Also, I dont think you should return his gifts as that will only give him more satisfaction that you are still hurting by his actions. He really doesnt deserve to know that you think/miss him. It will just be another ego boost for him.

      In regards to him texting you randomly for your birthday/exams, etc that is just another pathetic way for him to redeem himself and take off some guilt that he has for using you. It may be that he sometimes thinks of you also, but that is insignificant because even if he may think of you sometimes, that thinking is not a sufficient enough reason for him to return back to you. He has made his decision, I suggest you now make yours.

      Think about yourself now and what you can do to help fasten the healing process (i.e.: changing your phone number, volunteering somewhere, maybe going out every Friday night with your family for dinner?, etc). Just try to do something that can keep you busy. Do you like painting or decorating? Try to do anything that is of interest to you.

      Lastly, I want to mention one thing which I was meaning to for some time but kept forgetting. In your previous posts, you claim that you are now getting no proposals or proposals that are not suitable for you and this is further making you feel hopeless. The way I see it as, I dont think you are quite ready to even commit with anyone right now because you have alot on your plate to deal with.

      You are going through an emotional roller coaster ride so although you may feel you are ready for marriage, give yourself at least 1 more year before you decide to tie yourself in this life long commitment. You really need to be emotionally and mentally stable to be a sucessful wife. Dont try to make this a re-bound issue of liking anyone else in order to forget him. That'll just cause you more misery. I think Allah swt is doing this on purpose because He knows you are not quite ready yet to take the role of a wife right now.

      Just try to heal yourself from all this and inshAllah you will find yourself a great husband! You said yourself that you are well educated, and beautiful mashAllah and you sound like a good girl from the heart also. Just try to improve yourself in the aspect of deen also and inshAllah you will be happy again.

      Best wishes
      -Helping Sister

  35. And I would also like to sincerely thank both Rita and Samina for their efforts and advice. May Allah swt bless you both, ameen.

  36. Confused Puzzle,

    You replied to this man's text of wishing you well by saying 'Thank you'. If he did not respond, that does not mean he is being arrogant. It is just a closed conversation which does not need replying back and forth. He wished you well, you acknowledged it - end of. By wanting to return his gifts to him, you want him to feel hurt as you did and you are also trying to provoke a reaction, this is the truth Sis. It'll backfire.

    Do sabr, bite that tongue, tame your thoughts from running wild and from suspecting your ex's every action and also tame your hands and feet, as you just itching to do something. Force yourself to have no contact with your ex whatsoever and this time will pass much easier - I promise. Train your Nafs, it takes effort and will. You have politely acknowledged his text, now be dignified and leave it there.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  37. Just to clarify it was a generic text sent to me on my birthday, to say happy birthday and nothing more...I did not want to mention that to protect my anonymity as much as possible. I found it cruel because he knows I am hurting, and if things are over why then is he wishing me a happy birthday randomly, I made it clear I did not want to stay 'friends'! I was not expecting the text, or for him to even remember my birthday. Initially I was happy to see the text and wondered whether he wanted to reconcile, but then I realised that it was probably a generic birthday text that he would send to all his friends. Ultimately, all it really did was intensify the pain. And yes, your right I want to return his gifts because deep down I know it will hurt him, and also because I know after that I will not have any more expectations and will hopefully start to move on.

    • Sis,

      Don't let him continue pulling your strings. Enough is enough.

      The text was not generic. He sent it because deep down he feels bad and wants to know that have forgiven him so he can feel better. Each time you respond to him, you are doing nothing but massaging him better. That does not mean you begin hurling abuse at him either.

      You need to just excercise some inner control, mind over matter. Like I said, do not contact him, even if he contacts you.

      What would happen if you were to do 100 sit ups and lunges everyday for a month? Man, it'd be painful and a real effort to start with but would become easier by the end of the month. You'd end with a fit, strong and toned up pair of legs and stomach, if not a 2 pack (thats ok for a woman;). You'd also want to continue with the excercise because the results were so amazing.

      Well its the same with your ex. Force yourself to do the right/best thing. You'll become mentally stronger because of it, inshaAllah.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  38. salaam,,,,
    i am very depserate,,,pls help me,,
    i am or was an extremely religious girl, i have never encouraged haraam relations, or even touched a guy, unfortunately i fell prey to a guy and he forced me to kiss him, he kissed and i cried, but he kept saying he loved me and didnt mean to kiss in a bad sense, i sort of got over it , after a while he couldnt control his emotions, i tried pushing him away at first, then my mind became numb and i didnot push him away, ever since it happened, i feel so dirty, i woke up the next day feeling suicidal , as i HATED myself, this was not the person i was, i have lost my self esteem, and i feel that never in life am i to advise my friends on any matters coz i myself was dirty (i have guided and advised many of my friends before). I now feel that i can never get back on life...i donot know who i am anymor....i feel sick and disgusted. this happened 3 days back and all i can do is hate myself. i feel i deserve to be punished, anything 2 liberate me from this guilt, i cant sleep or eat or study thinking about it...i feel i hav lost evrythin i hav earned in my entire life,, evrything i had detested i seemed 2 hav become it! ...i knw hurting oneself is wrong in Islam, but the thought of deerving pain keeps coming bak 2 me, i contaktd the guy after it happened, and he felt remorse over wt happend, and aked me 2 4get it and nevr 2 think about it. it i not that easy 4 me,,,,,i feel horrible abt maself....

    • As salamu alaykum sister help me,

      Please log in and submit your question, this way everyone will help you, please, better now than later.

      Be sure I am listening to you. Please, do tawbah, pray to Allah(swt), please ask Allah(swt) to guide you to Forgiveness to help you to forgive yourself.

      You have been of help to many, you will be of help of many more from now on, insha´Allah. You couldn´t protect yourself, but you will protect others to go throgh the painful experience you are going through, insha´Allah.

      You have my Unconditional Support, Love and Respect,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • I really hope from all my Heart that you are feeling better today, insha´Allah.

        From Heart to Heart,

        María
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Salaam help me.

      Please do away with thoughts of hurting yourself, and dont hate yourself. You committed a sin, but we are all sinners and the best of sinners are those who repent.

      You are alhumdulilah feeling remorse for your sin. Never forget that Allah swt is the Most Merciful, no sin is greater than Allahs mercy so don't despair about Allah's mercy. Cut off contact with this guy. Ask Allah to forgive you sincerely, and strengthen your relationship with Allah through prayer and dua.

      If you need a more detailed answer, please log in and submit your question as a seperate post.
      I will remember you in my duas InshaAllah

      Sara
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  39. salaam help me,
    I thought for a second that I had written your post, it is so similar to what I went through. You have done the right thing by asking for advice on this website, you will be sure to receive some sincere advice. I am unfortunately in a very insecure place at the moment, and have not recovered emotionally so I do not feel that I can really advise you. I can say that when I started committing sin with my ex, he too was the first man I had any kind of relationship with, I was pure prior to this. I, as well as my family had thought he was a decent man and so I was getting to know him with the intention of marriage. We started committing sin which I was very resistant to and would always stop him before it got too far, and would cry and beg him not to allow for it to happen again. He would agree, and tell me he felt remorse, but clearly he did not because he would then return and do the same thing again and he did it in such a way that it felt as though he truly loved me, but in reality he was disrespecting me and I was letting him! I told him I felt uncomfortable, in the very early days of communication and I even said to him that holding hands was a no go area for me until after marriage, his response was 'we'll see' so clearly his intentions were not right from the very beginning, I was just too foolish to realise this and thought he was doing it all out of love!! When it got too much for me, and I ended things, he begged me to come back, and said he loved me and would never touch me again etc etc and so I gave him another chance. Unfortunately in the whole process, he led me down a horrible path and even while we were still together I felt suicidal and unstable due to the sin and I expressed this to him, he came across as very understanding and promised to treat me like he would like his own sister to be treated and said he would not go down that path again, but he broke all his promises, and he made it all seem so normal, astaghfirullah. I continued to become more and more unstable and then when he could not deal with my emotions anymore, he dumped me, and thats when I realised the true extent of my sin. So your not alone sister, I know exactly how you feel. The reason why I have told you all of the above is to let you know that you should not trust this man, even if he says he is sorry.
    He forced you to do something you did not want to, your crying made no difference to him, if he has dishonoured you once , he will most likely do it again, and I am saying this from experience. He may however be a decent man inshaAllah, who has made a mistake and feels true remorse, but best thing to do would be to leave him alone and break off all contact with him and show him how much you regret this sin. Turn to Allah swt and repent sincerely. If he feels true remorse he will show it with his actions and if his intention was to truly marry you, and he is truly regretful for what has happened he will show this through his actions too. If he is a decent man, and approaches you for marriage, tell him to contact your parents and initiate things in the right way. If he is decent, this will show him that you have made a mistake but are repenting and are strong enough to leave him because of his actions and return back to Allah swt and the right path. Unfortunately, I have messed up myself, and do not really feel like I am in a position to give you advice, but I am only telling you what I learnt from my own experience and letting you know you are definitely not alone.
    Feeling dirty, harming yourself, wanting to end your life, trust me I have been through it all, and even though I am still in agony, it does all start to fade - that is one thing I can promise you through experience. Do submit your question so that you can receive the support and advice of those that are more knowledgeable. Cry and pray to Allah swt to make things easy for you. Ask for repentance, and a solution to your problem. I pray it all becomes easy for you, and you remain strong through this.

  40. I have lost hope, don't see a future anymore - I don't think Allah has destined for me to ever be loved and to marry. Lol, whats the point.

    • As salamu alaykum my beloved sister,

      Are you laughing, I mean, lol, is laughing, isn´t it? You are really walking here and now, you are in the present, you don´t have the need of seeing the future, projecting yourself is a waste of energy, let Him the All-Knower, our Allah(swt) see it for you, insha´Allah.
      Well I cannot marry you for obvious reasons, lol, but I can say, after all this struggle together that, I love you, as a sister, but it is love, then why don´t just live the present, here and now, enjoying people that loves you, me included, living a shining present, creating rays of Light for your future, this way your loved one will have a shining, clear path that will guide him to you, insha´Allah. Just some thoughts.

      From Heart to Heart,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  41. i'm so ugly that people compare me to my mum and tell me how young and beautiful she looks, and tell me that i look nothing like her. my mum embarassed me in front of my brother and sister in law by telling them how depressed i have been and that i am causing her to become depressed, and how unthoughful i am lol she doesnt understand that i am going through hell. she tries. i pretend to be happy now so she can be happy. what a rubbish life. my destiny i guess.

    • Dear Consfusedpuzzled

      The more you put yourself down the worse you will feel. Everyday you will wake up hating yourself and you'll go to sleep hating yourself. Right now your in a selfish cycle of self-destruct, where your number one priority is to 'destroy'. Sadly the one you destroy in this process is only you. You can never ever return to your past, those moments have passed, never to return again- what you did in those moments are now your memories. YOu can either turn those memories into lessons or you can turn them into devices. As lessons they will teach you the errors of your ways, they will guide you out of your darkest moments, they can take you towards light, towards reconciliation with yourself, towards closure and liberation. As devices, they can rob you have a healthier and fuller future, they can destroy your chances of happiness and leave you bitter.

      Constantly putting yourself down right now seems to me that you are letting your past hold onto to you in a cruel grip, you are letting it manipulate you and that will ultimalty leave you in despair. So in the end you will see only ugliness and darkness. This is all the handiwork of the devil. He sits next to you, whispers, and then laughs as you come under his control and do his bidding.
      STOP there sister and TAKE control. YOu are intelligent and beautiful. God has blessed you with the most beautiful thing- the vision and insight to realise you have wronged and now can return to the wholesome and pure path to salvation. Don't let these moments pass in bitterness. Take stock of your life, tonight you could breath your last, perhaps tomorrow, or the day after- would you really want your final thoughts to be full of bitterness and ungratefulness.
      When we put something down, esp creation of God, all we are doing is impying that God did not create it good (astigfurullah!). So please sister be mindful and learn to love YOU because in doing so you will be loving a creation of ALlah.
      Take time out to re-connect with yourself- begin now sister to learn aboutyour creater, cultivate a freindship with Him- it will lead you to peace and nothing will ever hurt you, nobodies action nor thier words will cause you greif.
      I pray and hope that Allah makes it easy for you.

    • As salamu alaykum, my beloved sister,

      Maybe this is an answer to your prayers, if you keep pretending you are happy, you must get to believe it one day, insha´Allah. Have you heard that of "fake it till you get it"(or something like this)?

      Please, recite Ayat Al-Kursi, surah Al-Fatihah and 112,113 and 114, as sister Hafsa said, too much whisperings around you, enough is enough, fight for your right to see how wonderful is to be alive, but someway I like to see you so annoyed, that is other step in the way, that may help you to get out of the hole from now on, insha´Allah.

      Thank you for sharing.

      All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  42. Asalamoalaikum sister,
    You don’t sound well to me at all. You are really pulling down your self-esteem and you keep moping in your own misery. Sister, I don’t want to be harsh with you because I understand your pain but you are not willing to stand up after the great big fall you’ve underwent. Sister, no one can understand your pain as it is your pain & your experience. I used to have the same complain before but realized that how can anyone understand my pain when they aren’t going through what I am? The only one entity that can is Allah swt. Have you tried turning to him? Honestly ask yourself that question, have you even tried get up and say to yourself enough!

    Sister, you must grab onto the rope of Allah swt. Nothing & no one in this world is going to take that void away from you except yourself & Allah swt. I really think you’re undermining yourself and Allah’s mercy. You know it yourself that you were not going to stay happy with this guy and that is why you were taking your time giving him a response. It’s as simple as that.

    Let me give you an example. When a person is investing in a business and they are sure it will be successful they don’t sit and contemplate for days if they should invest in it or not, they grab onto the opportunity before anyone else can. However if deep down a person feels something is not right and that this business may not run the way one desires, they think, they contemplate, they take their time. It’s only natural. So my dear sister you know it very well that there was something wrong with this guy: he was making you commit sins against your soul & against Allah swt. Why are you still bashing yourself?

    You are not ugly, you are not ugly,you are not ugly! And you know that sister. You don’t even need to show me a picture of yourself to prove it to me because I know you are. You sound so beautiful and so intelligent mashAllah. You said it in one of your pervious posts that you are mashAllah beautiful, you are well educated and you have a great job in your field. Just because one guy has left you does not mean that you have suddenly become an ugly, less competent human being. And what is this beauty sister? It’s superficial. What if Allah forbid you get into an accident tomorrow and your face is damaged and now you are left looking hideous how will you feel? You’ve lost your outer appearance but what about the eternal soul that you have? No car accident, nothing can take that away. Also, whoever will love you for your looks will only love you for our outer appearance and once that fades so will that person’s love. Beauty matters but not as much as inner beauty. A beautiful person with attitude and harsh behaviour can be seen as a hideous person but a person with average looks but a beautiful inner-self can be seen as a more beautiful person. Try it if you don’t believe me.

    Sister you are denying the blessings Allah swt has bestowed upon you. This guy leaving you is a blessing in disguise. He was not genuine and he was not for your good. You must live for yourself and stop seeking approval from others. You know how competent and successful you are, no one needs to tell you that. You were better off without this guy. Look at it this way. Before he came in your life, you were happy, on the right track, studying well, got a good job, etc. Then, he came in your life and slowly things starting going downhill. You started to resent him and yourself, you would cry and tell him you didn’t want to go physical, the relationship drama, etc. What did you get by him entering in your life? Misery, frustration, anger, resentment? Then Allah swt decided to take him out of your life because he was not good for you. You need to open your eyes my dear sister.

    Also, your mother did not embarrass you in front of your brother & sis-in law. Mothers are like that, when they are worried they communicate with others, especially their off springs for help. My mother does it all the time. When I’m upset she tells my brother how upset & depressed I am, that he should explain things to me because he can do it more logically, etc. Sister, no mother would want to embarrass her own child. Your brother & sis-in law are your own. In times of need these are the people we turn to so try to see the good out of your mother’s actions. In fact try to see the good in your life. You are wearing the “negative” lens right now. I highly suggest you switch it to the “positive” one because at the end of the day you are only hurting yourself and no one else.

    Sorry if my response sounds harsh, I do not mean to be rude at all, I just want you to accept reality for the way it is, not the way you want it to be. The faster you do that, the faster you will heal inshAllah. No one said life would be perfect, if it were we’d call it heaven and not Earth.

    -Helping Sister

  43. why did Allah put me through this, i cant bare it anymore, please. none of this was his fault, its me, there must be something wrong with me which is why he used me, i let him, i thought he loved me and then i begged him to take me back when he left me, he doesnt respect me, doesnt value me, it hurts me. i will never marry by my ages people are settled, im alone, i have no one and idont want to get married anymore. i dont want to live anymore. im unstable and insecure. there is no such thing as love or happiness in this world, lol im a waste of space in this world, like a piece of rubbish.

    • Please go to pray, now don´t waste a minute, read Ayat al kursi.

      Ayat al-Kursi is verse 255 of the second chapter (Surah) of the Holy Quran, Surat al-Baqarah (The Chapter of the Cow)

      Below is the Arabic text, the transliteration, and the English translation and then some of the benefits of reciting this verse, the Verse of the Throne:

      اللَّهُ لاَ إِلَهَ إِلاَّ هُوَ الْحَيُّ الْقَيُّومُ لاَ تَأْخُذُهُ سِنَةٌ وَلاَ نَوْمٌ لَهُ مَا فِي السَّمَاوَاتِ وَمَا فِي الأَرْضِ مَنْ ذَا الَّذِي يَشْفَعُ عِنْدَهُ إِلاَّ بِإِذْنِهِ يَعْلَمُ مَا بَيْنَ أَيْدِيهِمْ وَمَا خَلْفَهُمْ وَلاَ يُحِيطُونَ بِشَيْءٍ مِنْ عِلْمِهِ إِلاَّ بِمَا شَاءَ وَسِعَ كُرْسِيُّهُ السَّمَاو ;َاتِ وَالأَرْضَ وَلاَ يَئُودُهُ حِفْظُهُمَا وَهُوَ الْعَلِيُّ الْعَظِيمُ

      Allahu la ilaha illa Huwa, Al-Haiyul-Qaiyum La ta'khudhuhu sinatun wa la nawm, lahu ma fis-samawati wa ma fil-'ard Man dhal-ladhi yashfa'u 'indahu illa bi-idhnihi Ya'lamu ma baina aidihim wa ma khalfahum, wa la yuhituna bi shai'im-min 'ilmihi illa bima sha'a Wasi'a kursiyuhus-samawati wal ard, wa la ya'uduhu hifdhuhuma Wa Huwal 'Aliyul-Adheem

      "Allah! There is no god but He - the Living, The Self-subsisting, Eternal. No slumber can seize Him Nor Sleep. His are all things In the heavens and on earth. Who is there can intercede In His presence except As he permitteth? He knoweth What (appeareth to His creatures As) Before or After or Behind them. Nor shall they compass Aught of his knowledge Except as He willeth. His throne doth extend Over the heavens And on earth, and He feeleth No fatigue in guarding And preserving them, For He is the Most High. The Supreme (in glory)."
      [Surah al-Baqarah 2: 255]

      Ubayy bin Ka'b (radiAllahu anhu) reported: The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said: "Abu Mundhir! Do you know which Ayah in Allah's Book is the greatest? I said: 'Allah and His messenger know best.'
      He (peace be upon him) again said: 'Do you know which Ayah in Allah's Book, according to you, is the greatest?' I (Abu Mundhir) replied: ‘It is 'Allah la ilaha illa Huwal-Hayyul-Qayyum'.[2:255].
      Thereupon he (peace be upon him) patted me in the chest and said, ' Rejoice by your knowledge, O Abu Mundhir! (i.e, may this knowledge be a source of respect, honour and benefit to you)'."
      [Muslim]

      Asma' bint Yazid (radiAllahu anhu) reported, ' I heard the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) say about these two following Ayahs, i.e, verses: "Allah! There is no god but He - the Living, The Self-subsisting, Eternal. [2:255], And, Alif Lam Mim, Allah! There is no god but He - the Living, The Self-subsisting, Eternal [3:1-2], That they contain Allah's Greatest Name."
      [Imam Ahmed bin Hanbal in his Musnad]

      Abu Dhar said; O Messenger of Allah, what is the greatest thing that has been revealed to you?’ He said, Ayat al-Kursi, 'Allah! La ilaha illa Huwa'
      [an-Nasa'i]

      When you lie down in your bed, recite ayat al-Kursi, Allah! La ilaha illa Huwa (none has the right to be worshipped but He), the Ever Living, the One Who sustains and protects all that exists… [al-Baraqah 2:255] until the end of the ayah, then you will have a protector from Allah and no shaytan (devil) will come near you until morning comes
      [Sahih al-Bukhari]

      Abu Hurairah (radiAllahu anhu) narrated; In Surah al-Baqaraah there is an ayah which is the best of all the ayahs of the Qur’an. It is recited in a house the Shaytan leaves: Ayat al-Kursi.

      Everything has its pinnacle and the pinnacle of the Qur’an is Surah al-Baqarah. In it there is an ayah which is the greatest in the Qur’an: Ayat al-Kursi
      [at-Tirmidhi]

      Do you know the Ayatul Kursi?" Anas (radiAllahu anhu) replied "I know". The Prophet (Sallallahu alayhi wasallam) said, "It is equal to a quarter of the Qur'an "

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Sister, I really think you need to re-read many of the posts people have written for you here. You seem to be ignoring everything but what shaitaan is whispering to you. If you lacked something and that is why this guy used you, then I guess all the girls in this world who got used, abused, tortured, and some even murdered lacked something? I highly doubt it. The people that lack something are these guys who don't have enough shame, self-respect and dignity that they can freely use anyone for their convenience. Looks, status, etc has no value here. It's all about lust, they have only one agenda on their mind. If it's not you, then it will be someone else, and so on and so forth.

        Please I urge you to stop beating yourself over all this. No one can help you if you don't decide to help yourself. I really don't want to belittle your problem, but there are sisters who are in worse conditions than you are in. They have either (or all): lost their virginity, gotten an STD, gotten pregnant and at the end been abandoned. I really think you're missing out on the larger picture here: Allah swt took away the source of your destruction for this world & your akhirat.

        -Helping Sister

    • Please, don´t talk to yourself in this way, it reminds me of the people that hurts themselves, you don´t want to go into that misery, please love yourself and behave kindly to yourself as you want the rest of the people behave to you.

      You are acting toward yourself like this man acted towards you, you don´t deserve that, stop that please and be kind and loving to yourself, insha´Allah.

      I love myself, I care about myself, I forgive myself, please my Lord help me to solve all this painful situations I am going through, Insha´Allah, Alhamdulillah, Masha´Allah.

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Sister

      There seems to be a lot of ungratefulness on your part. The question of WHY? towards Allah is bordering on sin. Slavehood to your Lord will bring ease and tranquility into your heart. You were placed on this earth for a reason, accept all that has happened and simply say thank you to God. Try it. For a minute close your eyes and say -al-hamidulliah and attempt to re-focus your life on all that is good.
      Why is this man on your mind??? Why do you let him eat away at you, indeed why have you made him in to your Lord??? He has gone. He has gone. He is a human, nothing great, just an average, ignorant human being who is making mistakes. But you are letting him control you. He is not your God. I repeat he is not your GOD.
      You God is a wonderful entity who awaits your call to Him, who is ready to forgive you and make it easy for you, who will never forsake you nor will He betray you. Can you for a minute imagine the wonderful feeling, that warmth you would feel if you simply turn to Allah almighty and asked Him for relief.

      You say, "there is no such thing as love or happiness in this world". Don't darken you world like this sister. Its true what you say to an extent- but its your job to search for love and happiness in this world. Love is to look into the eyes of an innocent child and see thier gratefulness to you. Happinness is the sun appear from behind clouds so that you bask in its warmth. Your version and love and happiness are not the only versions sister- your love for this man was distorted and tainted, your happiness with him was selfish and impermissible. Seek love and happiness my sister but seek it in all that is pure- all that Allah in His mercy has made permissble.

      Please, take stock of your life. Tomorrow may be too late. If necessary then seek proffesional help. talk to someone. Maybe reading post after post is not doing you any good. Go out there and get your life back sister.

  44. Apologies, I think the comments I make on here are when I am down in the dumps thats why they come across as ungrateful and insecure. There are some days when I can see some hope, and I feel better, but it does not last very long. I feel very lonely especially when I see my siblings all mashaAllah happily married. I am not jealous of them, but its been a very long time since I have been looking for a suitable partner to marry and I still havent foundhim and it makes me very sad. The one guy that did come into my life also left me - I can't help but think that it was due to my own shortcomings. The funny thing is he contacted me recently, and was quite pleasant over the phone, wanted to be friends but perhaps deep down he wanted to reconcile?? AFter a few conversations I asked him if he was in touch to reconcile, and when he said no so firmly I Stupidly tried to persuade him to try again and tried to explain to him that niether of us were bad people and that shaytaan got the better of us, but he became angry and told me to come to terms with everything that had happened, at which point I said bye and text him to say I was fine with the decision. I called him the next day, again stupidly, he answered the phone very arrogantly and told me he was busy - I felt very stupid and saddened by his reaction, and before I could really say bye he hung up on me. He called me back later on in the evening, I missed his call and when I called back he didn't answer. Basically, I have lost all dignity to this man, and any attempt I make to regain that dignity is a failure. I know its my fault, and I know this man made many many mistakes and it truly hurts me, but I also know I was harsh with him and so I must've hurt him too, but alot of his conversations were one sided, he would not give me the chance to speak once he started arguing and it would reduce me to tears. When we met, he would ALWAYS go physical and that made me doubt him too. I just feel guility and hopeless, I feel like no one likes me, I feel ugly, tired, depressed. It hurts me that he has changed so much, he once cared about me, and told me he would always protect my honour as I would be his wife, but he didn't...he promised to treat me as his sister should be, but he didn't and he is taking the sin so lightly, he is demanding that I come to terms with it and move on, but I can't. I was completly untouched by a man before he came into my life, and I really don't understand how I grew so weak. It kills me that he has lost respect for me, and must laugh at my parents because I have also ruined their reputation. It kills me that he must think I am a needy, insecure and cheap girl because of everything that has happened, but I am not. I made a mistake, and then realised how big the burden was and couldn't deal with it. I want my dignity back, I've lost my respect. I pray ALlah will forgive me but I will always carry the burden of this sin, and the fact that there is a man out there who has been intimate with me and he is not my husband, and now no longer respects me. I can't bear that, I really can't. I am going insane thinking about it. I wish I could start my life all over again, and just keep clean. I really do feel as though Allah has removed all the blessings from my life, and I really don.t think i'll ever marry. i have become insecure, i just want this man to realise that he has sinned and that i am a decent girl who made a mistake. i want my reputation back.

    • My dear sister you truly need to let go of the notion that you want to or will be together. It is hard but how can you move forward if you can't let go dear sister - you will be stuck in limbo if you dont.
      You need to accept that its over, you and him were never meant to be and very very likely will never be. Two people may be good people individually but bad together. And you guys were very bad together. Remember that Allah knows best who is good is for you. So please take the steps and accept it's over.

      This guy contacting you to be 'friends' is plain rude of him. He shouldnt be, it is difficult enough for you already without him doing so. It is a good idea to change your number and other contact details to avoid the pain if he continues to contact you. The more you continue to be in contact with him - the more you are ripping open your wounds which are trying to heal... My dear sis, you are making things harder for yourself.

      Regardless of how you feel right you are a decent, nice Muslimah who deserves a nice Muslim man. Someone unlike this guy. You are not ugly, and worthless - this is just shaitaan playing with you making you feel low. It doesnt matter if you are the nicest most beautiful woman in the world - a guy that will end a relationship is going to end it. Its nearly always about the other person and not you.

      Also, my sister, please don't over-analyse the relationship, forgive me but from what you write it seems you are doing this. It is normal to think about things but for your sake dear sister, try not to. The past is the past and no amount of grieving will bring it back or change it. Let it go.

      I understand how you feel also about marriage especially after a sibling has married it does make you feel lonely and it doesnt help - but Allah swt has a plan for you and us all. You will find your spouse at the best time that Allah has ordained for you.

      Right now just focus on yourself..
      Do not put yourself down - you are not worthless, or lost your respect. You made a mistake. You sinned. You are still alive. You can repent for this sin and move on. Allah has promised to forgive the sin of those who sincerely repent so dear sister: Ask yourself why are you still stuck over it? Do not prevent it from moving you forward. Shaytaan often does this... he whispers to us and tells us were worthless etc to prevent us from making amends and moving on, please dont fall prey to his tricks.

      You can start over dear sister. Remove him from your life and make amends. You have said that it kills you that he has lost respect for you. That is understandable that it hurts you, but in reality does it matter if he respects you or not? Does it matter if he laughs at your parents? Does it matter what he thinks/says? Can he put you in heaven or hell. He is just another person, his opinion is completely worthless so don't stress over what he thinks. Try not to think so negatively. Leave him to his sin my dear sister and focus on looking after yourself.
      You are important and Allah loves you. Dont forget that..

      I pray that Allah swt eases your pain and helps you through this
      Sara
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor
      x

  45. overall the way he has behaved shows that he was not genuine, because no matter what happened he would have tried his best to resolve issues and not left me. but he did some good things too and made the effort initially to persuade me to marry him, and i think i pushed him away because i hurt his ego when i kept telling him what he was doiing wrong, but i couldnt help it - i wanted to help him improve but i started nagging him about it. what i did is wrong, i know that he was a non mahram i should not have become so close with him but i cared about him. i know its stupid but i really just want him and myself to regain our imaan repent sincerely and then come back together and build a future together in the halaal way. this way, we will both know the mistakes we have made, and we can both use that to bring us together and strive to become better muslims together building a future with each other to please Allah. please do dua for me, i am in need of it.

    • As salamu alaykum my beloved sister,

      This is not a question of how bad both of you did it, this is finished and it has to be past, insha´Allah.

      He knows how you feel and what he awakes in you, he is not an ignorant , while you talk to him he will know how much power he has on you, while you let him opening the door of your life, you will be suffering endlessly, the day you close your own door that connects you with him that day you will move on, you will heal your wounds, you will recover your dignity, you will find the person for you, and he will be past forever, insha´Allah.

      He doesn´t deserve the right of having a private conversation with you, you don´t owe him anything, he is past if you want to recover your dignity you will have to stop any kind of contact with him, but again this is up to your submission to Allah(swt), insha´Allah.

      You are strong Sister, pray your salat and your night prayers with devotion and you will recover all that you lost in the way, insha´Allah.

      All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

      María
      IslamicAsnwers.com Editor

  46. but why is it only me that is suffering? i try to let go, but why do i still care about him when he does not even value me? i am on antidepressants because of him, and his attitude is so poor towards me. i understand we both made mistakes and unknowingly hurt each other, but why does he not want things to resolve, if he really loved me and said that even if he was with someone else he would continue to love me, then why does he treat me like a nobody? i did so much dua, so much that i do not fall prey to anyone and lose my self respect, but it happened and i can't come to terms with it. i am doing dua to Allah but i just see no hope. i am going insane, and if i find out he is marrying someone else, i know i will lose my sanity - he left me after everything, he took the sin so lightly, and he left me dirty and unvalued. he must think ii am cheap, and that i have probably done the same with someone else, but i havent i only made this mistake with him and i still dont understand how i grew so weak. my one mistake has ruined my life, my happiness has dissolved, i h ave become bitter, my pain is reflected on my face, and i have become insecure. why is it taking so long to find another suitable proposal, i feel insecure because i want to get married, i feel lonely, i dont want to be old when i marry, i want children, i want a companion. now is the right age for me, please Allah why is it taking so long, why am i so unhappy, why am i so weak, why am i still alive - i hate this life, i hate the fact i ever met this man who is the source of all my unhappiness who still controls my emotions....please somone please do dua for me, please.

    • Salaams my beloved sister,

      You are on antidepressants, because you cannot deal with the situation and you keep feeding the hope of being with him, this is the main cause of all your problems, you have made the false goal of him repenting and going back to you to marry, this is a lie, you have created an insane idea and you keep feeding it, focusing yourself on him you are stoping your real life to live a nightmare.

      You are a separate human being, while you keep him in your mind and in your Heart, nobody will get close to you, because you are telling the world you are waiting for that man, to repent and come back to you, that it is not fare to anyone to marry you in those conditions, because you won´t be marrying fully to your husband, your Heart is somewhere else with this man.

      I am trying to be very clear to you again, I don´t really know if I am talking clear enough or maybe the way I talk is complicated or you just don´t care about what I told you, everything is up to the day you stop to try to control everything, but this is only up to you. Give up your false dreams or illusions or fantasies, that is what it is making you sick, you aren´t waking up of your nightmare, many people here is waiting for you to wake up, you are important to many of us, and we are watching you kicking your pillow with your eyes closed, maybe one day you will realize that you are living a nightmare and you wake up to the real world, insha´Allah, we will be here caring for you the same we have been till now, insha´Allah.

      I will dua for you, insha´Allah. You need to pray at night and do your salat, please, this is very important. This is just for you, insha´Allah.

      From my Heart to your Heart,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  47. Sister, I want you to read the posts people are writing for you carefully. I don’t want to be harsh with you but please try to listen to the advices that are being offered to you, they will take you away from your misery. You need to stop giving this guy the time of his life. You keep entertaining him by asking for him to change his mind. He knows you want him and he is continuing to pull your strings. This guy has made up his mind and nothing you say will change it.

    Sister I have been through worse than you have and yet I am moving on. I don’t like opening up my personal life here but for your sake I will do so. I was with a guy who I thought wanted to marry me. He used me so much and drained me out. He ruined my reputation within my family and dumped me when I asked him to commit officially with me (i.e.: get family involved). I wasted a lot of time on that creep but you know what he gave me at the end= nothing. He threw me away without thinking once what state I am in, what effect his actions will have on me and my future (trust me I have been scarred). After that I had enough. My whole family was angry with me because of this creep. I left from his life as per his wish and since that day I haven’t turned back once.

    I want to tell you sister what made me so strong that I didn’t go crawling back to him (I always would in the past and loose my self-respect and dignity). I always thought this guy would marry me but when it came time to commit and show me how sincere he was, he abandoned me. He shattered my heart into tiny pieces and I was left all alone picking up those pieces all by myself. That is when I realized that he was only and only watching out for himself. He didn’t have an ounce of love in his heart for me. That was the breaking point for me. I just couldn’t stoop so low and beg for this person to take me back when he didn’t even want to marry me. I mean how could I? He just didn’t want to marry me but he definitely wanted to use me for his convenience. You know why? Because he lusted me, he didn’t love me and I just cant settle my body and soul for such a low price. You shouldn’t either.

    You are worth so much better. This freak has no right to return in your life. He ended the engagement, that’s it. He should have enough shame and dignity to not come crawling to you for “friendship”. He doesn’t need friendship, he needs a time pass, he needs someone who he can use and he can sniff it that you’re weak and vulnerable so you’re his bait. Honestly, do you want this guy to think of you as such a weakling? Why are you giving him the satisfaction he is seeking? Honestly why are you sister? I have been through worse than you have and yet I am able to control myself and not turn back. Lately I have even been dreaming about my ex every night and it disturbs me so much but I know that door of my life is closed. No matter how much I miss him, hate him, cry for him, etc it does not matter to him so why in the world would I want to give him that satisfaction that I’m still paining? He’s hurt me enough the least I can do is completely leave from his life so maybe one day in the future he will sit and realize what a creep he was (probably when he has his own daughter).

    I highly suggest that you change your number. This will hurt this guy’s ego big time when he’ll call you next time expecting you to be that weak sucker, he’ll realize that you actually don’t give a rat’s behind about him. Please sister stop making yourself look desperate. You need to tell yourself that there is more to you than your body and flesh, you have a pure soul and you have preserved that (hence you feel so guilty). You must stop killing yourself. No one will be able to help you if you don’t decide to help yourself. I want you to know that you can do it but you keep fueling your soul with negativity and hopelessness. Therefore you feel weak and helpless. Try to change perspectives and think of the positives of this break up. There are so many but you’re deciding to ignore them because you are hopeful of reconciliation.

    To be completely honest and brutal with you= this guy will not marry you, he has made up his mind and no matter what you say or do, it will not change.

    I’m sorry for coming out as harsh and stern but I want you to wake up. You must fight back and you must prove to yourself that you aren’t a weak and vulnerable person.

    -Helping Sister

    • Salam Helping sister,
      I am not good in words but I want to let you know one thing.. Thank you so much. Your words were like a bandage on the wound. I don't know you but it felt like you said what exactly I needed to listen. May Allah help you in every single way. Ameen. Sister, I dont want to open my personal life in public. Is there any good way I can ask you something in private. Will be looking forward for your help.

      • Asamoalaikum Sister Faith,
        I'm so sorry I did not read this reply of yours (as I didnt know that you replied) until now as I was skimming over this post.

        If you still need to talk that is absolutely fine with me. Kindly, if one of the editors can pass me Faith's e-mail ID that will be great. JazakAllah khair.

        -Helping Sister

  48. Thank you for sharing with me, I really do think i am wasting everyones time. I am a lost cause...ive become numb to the pain given to me in this world. i'm unhappy, and this life is a real burden. i cant wait to die, the sooner the better. i pray that Allah forgives my sins and i die in my sleep tonight, im not strong enough nor brave enough to face the world anymore. the more i think about it, themore i realise that this guy wasnt all bad, he made mistakes like i did, but i hurt him too and thats why i am hurting now. i remember him cryiing because he felt rejected by me, he had told his entire family about me, and his mother had asked for my hand in marriage numerous times. my parents were cautious because it was all happening so quick, and wanted more involvement and wanted to get to know them a little more before committing. he did say alot of things that made me doubt him but he also showed me alot of love, so perhaps i shouldve handled things differently instead of putting him down all the time. he's gone now, rejected me, and moved on with his life, hes happy and couldnt care less about me, iwonder whether he really loved me, or how i managed to push him away completely. anyway its not about him anymore, i cant make myself marry anyone, not even him and i swear to god i want to fall asleep tonight and never wake up. im not right anymore im scared and dont want to go on anymore.

    • Sister, your question has received 101 responses (now 102). Please take the time to read them, rather than posting the same remarks again and again. What you need is ongoing psychological counseling, and we cannot provide that.

      The past is the past. You cannot change it. The only thing you can do is look to the future Insha'Allah. Forget about getting married for a while, or even contemplating it. Take time to work on your own personal development. Get close to Allah, develop some hobbies, spend time with good friends, spend time in nature, exercise your body. Find joy in life.

      It's completely up to you to change your own life. It's a choice you have to make. You keep talking about wanting to die: sister, I will tell you a harsh but very true thing. You have to make a choice right now between death and life. Make a choice. No one else can do it for you. If you choose life, then live! Leave behind the thoughts of death and start living your life.

      There is nothing more we can tell you. We have many people who need our help and advice and we cannot devote so much of our resources to one person. I strongly suggest that you see a therapist or counselor on an ongoing basis.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  49. Your right, sorry. Thank you everyone for all the support. Wasalam.

  50. salaam again, sorry I didn't want to post this as a seperate question. Butnow that I have decided to bury my past and move on, I will need to start accepting proposals or rather getting to know another person for marriage, I am starting to feel ready to do this. I have learnt from my mistakes and I am hoping inshaAllah when I do meet a new person I will be more careful and spot any redflags from early on rather than put myself and him through so much pain. With everything thats happened, trust is now a major issue for me. If I end up speaking to someone how can I ensure, or try to establish if he is trustworthy, as he will be a complete stranger for me and possibly living in a different city. I will do istikhara, but I just don't want to make any mistakes again, and wondered if you could give me some pointers and advice with regards to this??

    • Confuszed/Puzzled,

      Have you taken everyone's suggestion and sought counselling?

      I really think that a psychologist will be able to help you with the trust issues that you need to address. Perhaps it is in your best interests to start there?

    • Confusedpuzzled,
      As much as this may sting, I’m sorry to say but I don’t think you have moved on. Maybe you are now slowly starting to come to terms with your loss but a large part of you still remains insecure, anxious and upset. I believe it’s been more than 6 months to your break up? I’m not saying by this time you should have entirely healed (depending on how attached you were with the guy) but there should be significant improvement in one’s thinking (not just with one’s daily activities).

      Once you start healing, you’ll know yourself what to watch out for when seeking a potential spouse as this relationship was an exploration process for you in which you learnt many good lessons (most important being the result of being disobedient to Allah swt). We all can give you numerous pointers as to how to choose a suitable and compatible spouse but at the end of the day you know yourself what cues to pick up on as you did so intelligently with your ex. Ask yourself what you are looking for in a spouse, then if a potential prospect comes, listen and observe. Do not tell the guy right away what you want and don’t want in a spouse (as people tend to mask things very well and behave in a socially desired way). Let the guy behave in his natural environment and observe. Let him be who he is without stopping him. Once you see him evolve into who he actually is (which will be after some time as everyone behaves their best initially) then you’ll know if he’s marriage material or not, and if he’s not, you move on. In this process though you have to be mentally strong and stay cautious. Try not to invest yourself emotionally as this will blur your objectivity and ability to pick up on the obvious cues they are giving you. Of course, it will be hard but it’s not impossible. The key is to keep distance and have a mindset that you are just observing him, not falling for him.

      Anyways, as precious star has stated I highly believe you do need therapy and there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, I’d like to go for therapy some day too just to let the heat off my chest—I’ve buried a lot within me and would like some proper advice and direction before I ever commit with someone with the intention of marriage as I have a tendency to give my all to people whom I care for and often time people misuse me. So don’t think therapy as something for the “weak”, it can be very empowering.

      -Helping Sister

  51. Alhamdulillah I don't think I need counselling, I actually feel alot better, mashaAllah. I realised that I have made amistake, but I am human and Allah will have mercy on me, since I regret it. And secondly, I was holding onto something that didn't exist, I was still hoping that this man wanted a relationship, but clearly he doesn't and I now well and truly accept that. To be honest, I WANT to now move on and meet someone new but this time I just want some good strong tips/advice on the types of things to look for in a future spouse and how so that i can make an informed decision this time.

  52. This post is now closed. Thank you to all who provided such good advice.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor