Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I committed zina with an older woman

Pre-marital/extra-marital relationships are haram in Islam

Alsalamu alaykum warahmatehi wbrkath
I am a muslim man 25 years old. I committed zina with a girl that's 7 years older than me, she is an african american and ghetto - she lives in bad neighborhood.
I was 19 when I did this bad sin after that one time I did not touch a girl allah knows.
But the problem is the woman got pregnant and I'm now not just stressed I'm in a big deep of depression because of her and the child.
Believe it or not she will take money from me and go to the club and spend all the money.
Then met the daughter 1 time and she doesn't look like me and I don't know how to deal with her.
Everytime I come around and look at her it cause me a big stress and I leave with a broken heart.
What can I do? What I am supposed to do?
My family doesn't know until now.

sawa1989

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12 Responses »

  1. Assalamalikum Brother,

    What has been done is done. I suggest that you take this as a learned lesson and repent. Also, it seems like you have some doubts of the child in question being yours. I am not sure if it is permitted in Islam to do DNA testing, but if it is, then brother if you have doubts about the child being yours, then I would suggest doing a DNA test to confirm paternity. It could be possible that the woman might just be using you for money by claiming that the child is yours when she really isn't.

  2. ns1286: I am not sure if it is permitted in Islam to do DNA testing, but if it is, then brother if you have doubts about the child being yours.... I committed zina with a girl that's 7 years older than me, she is an african american and ghetto - she lives in bad neighborhood......

    You committed zina with an African american woman who lives in ghetto.......bad neighborhood. Islam does not permit Zina but you did it any way. If you feel kid is not your's, you may have to go to court to prove that. If DNA test proves you are the father, you should take care of the kid.

    If you live in US, DNA is an acceptable way to prove paternity.

  3. As-salamu Alaykum,

    Some things you might do:

    1. Establish paternity via DNA-testing as suggested above.
    2. If the child is yours, pay the correct amount of support you are responsible for (usually determined by the court). You can complain to the judge if the money is not being spent to support your child. I do not know what action they will take, but see #3 below.
    3. If you are able, provide food, clothing, and other necessities directly to the child. If you are responsible for a bill, pay it directly rather than give money to the mother.
    4. If you are able to obtain custody of the child, consider doing so in order to fulfill your responsibilities as a Muslim father to your child. At least establish regular visitation in order to have some influence on your child.
    5. Do your best to improve your child's standard of living and outlook on life. Be a positive and kind influence. Invite the mother to learn about Islam. Have a serious conversation with her and let her know that you would like to raise your daughter as a Muslim. Take interest in her education and enroll her in a good school. Help the mother find resources to address any issues of her own that she may be facing, such as lack of education or employment, addictions, etc.
    6. Own up to your past mistakes. It is not helpful for you to look down on the child or her mother. It makes no difference that she is African American, that she lives in the ghetto, that the mother is older than you, or that you were 19 when this occurred. A child was born and needs to be acknowledged and raised properly. You are responsible in front of Allah SWT for how you deal with this issue.
    7. Sit down with your family and tell them you committed a sin you are not proud of. Tell them that you have been afraid but now want to do what is right for the sake of your child. It will be a difficult conversation, but you will be relieved of a burden. You will no longer have to hide or be ashamed.
    8. Above all, treat your daughter well. She did not ask to be born into such a situation. Don't allow her to grow up feeling unloved and unwanted. Do not attempt to hide her from your spouse or future spouse.
    9. If it turns out the child is not yours, you may be justified in cutting off your contact with the mother. If the child believes that you are her father, however, you may wish to remain a positive influence in her life so that she does not suddenly feel abandoned. You can still check on her, provide the occasional gift, and take an interest in her education and upbringing. You can still invite them to the masjid and attempt to bring them into contact with other positive influences from the Muslim community. Also, some courts will continue to hold you responsible for support if the child has grown up believing you are her father. It depends on various factors, but establishing paternity is still an important step.

  4. A: Do your best to improve your child's standard of living and outlook on life. Be a positive and kind influence. Invite the mother to learn about Islam. Have a serious conversation with her and let her know that you would like to raise your daughter as a Muslim.

    OP should marry the girl. I think you forgot to mention that because woman is "black" and lives in a poor neighborhood.

  5. SVS: No, I did not "forget" to mention marriage, especially for the reasons you stated (you don't know me well enough to make such assumptions about my beliefs), but the OP said that the mother is going to clubs and spending money irresponsibly (on her own entertainment), so this is currently not a good match for a religious Muslim. Should he consider marriage to this individual? Possibly, if she is ready to settle down and be a wife and responsible mother. Until that happens, however, I think that he should focus on gaining (at least partial) custody, establishing visitation, and meeting his other obligations. Also, it takes two people to get married, and we do not know if the woman herself is interested in marriage with the OP.

  6. A: so this is currently not a good match for a religious Muslim.

    Well if she was good enough for this religious Muslim to have a sexual relationship with, she should be good enough to be his wife. I wonder if this men met her in a club in the first place.

    I am sure this man knew every thing about this girl before he made her pregnant. He did not care about her background because he just wanted to use her sexually.

    • what if that women doesn't want to marry him, do you really think a women who clubs and party's wants to take the responsibility of marriage.

      • Laydi: do you really think a women who clubs and party's wants to take the responsibility of marriage?

        In some cultures people go to clubs and party's to meet a potential spouse. Some people use Internet (chat rooms, Skype, FB) and cell phones to find close friends.

        • So what it doesnt mean it applies to her especially since the op stated she spends all his money at clubs, plus she is a mother now and still goes clubbing that shows the kind of women she is

  7. Salam .I guess your friend was thinking for you.you need to go see family doctor ask him that you would like a blood test to check if thats your kid. Then you will know were you stand.If its yours you have to take care of it.

  8. Assalamualaikom brother

    May Allah forgive our sins and guide us to his right path.

    Everybody is susceptible to doing mistakes, and the best among those who do mistakes are those who repent always as son as they realize that.

    I would say that you :
    - Repent and make lots of istighfar and duaa.. Zina is indeed one of the worst sins.
    - You can do the DNA test first before anything else.
    - Tell the woman how wrong in Islam was what you both have done. Invite her to Islam and give her books and encourage her to live a decent, dignified and clean life.
    - If the child is confirmed to be yours, then by all means support the child and the mother to the best you can.
    - If she repented and accepted Islam see if there is any chances you both can make a good Muslim family together.
    - If marriage is not possible, always encourage her to improve her situation, get a decent job, etc ..... any good deed or charity you do to her worth it .... Include her and the kid in your prayers always... she is and will always remain the mother of your kid.

    May Allah help you.

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