Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I converted to Islam, but my husband says that American girls are worthless

domestic violence mental abuse abusiveSalaam alaykom.

I want to start off by saying that i have recently converted to islam 1 year ago alhamdulillah. During that time i also married my husband.

When i met my husband i was not muslim and i didnt know anything about islam. My husband is not a practicing muslim and we really didnt meet on good terms because he cheated on his ex wife with me and left his ex  wife to be with me...

he seemed to be a very true and caring man..and still does. But our marriage is a disaster. I feel like im with 2 different people. A loving and caring man. And a hateful and abusive man.

As ive said before, he doesnt pray. Im still wanting to learn more about islam and i want to know how to pray but im losing hope with no guidance from my own husband. He smokes marijuana every night and he treats me good and treats me poorly. We fight everyday.

We also just had our first child in August... i have a child from before my husband and my husband seems to care but he has been aggressive towards me in front of my son who is only 5 years old.

Im sorry my post is scrambled. I am so scrambled myself. Im so depressed and i am not to the point where im convinced this is a test from Allah. Or that i deserve all this bad. My husband calls me terrible names, belittles me by telling me i need to see a doctor and that i drive him crazy. He tells me he is so sick from me and that he ruined his life being with me. He always gets in my face and yells. He hits me very hard on my head and body.

My problem is im amercan and i stick up for myself. He tells me that all amercan girls including me are just bad girls (he uses cuss words). Then later he apologizes for being so bad.

His family and even a couple of his friends have seen how he is towards me and they tell him he is wrong. They always tell him how good i am and that he needs to treat me better especially because i converted and want to pray. I am grateful for my husband for islam. I am depressed otherwise. I cannot tell him my feelings because he tells me i am wrong for feeling that way. I always have to change for him and he always tells me he will never change or quit smoking and that if i dont like it i can leave.

He doesnt help me with our daughter during the night and tells me its not his responsibility because he works. And he needs sleep yet he stays up until 3am smoking marijuana.

Im losing my sanity and my faith. Im scared i will go back to my old habits and not care like before. Im scared ive just done nothing to make god happy ever and im just being punished or tested every day now because of my past. I have no one in my life besides my husband and im losing it. Please help me.

-Aeisha

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13 Responses »

  1. Salaam aleikum dear Sister, I convert to islam to. I would like to help you. Do you have whatsapp? Send me your whatsapp number then we can talk about this sitaution.

  2. salam aleikom my dear sister,

    I just want to let you know my sister that after one converts to islam, you basically get a whole new slate. You start over new. All sins get wiped clean. That is what i was told.

    I do feel that you and your husband started off on a bad foot. Cheating and divorcing first wife, which i believe by learning how to pray and asking for true forgiveness it can become better. It could be that your husband also now feels guilty for how things began. Honestly he should. Regardless, what is done is done. Allah is most forgiving to those who repent.

    I will give you a tip. Maybe you can try to be the one to give your husband the example. Teach him how to love and praise Allah. Humans have been wired to praise and remember Allah in order to feel happy. Without a connection with the creator with daily dhikr people will be depressed. Its proven time and time over. I know by experience sister.

    My sister one last thing to practice is sabr: patience my sister. Im not saying you have not been patient up to now, but maybe try something else. Maybe pick and choose battles more wisely. It may seem unfair, but Allah see it all. One of the best people to Allah is the one who can control their anger. When your husband is fire be the cool water. Now i know sister how hard this can be (im latina lol), but bite your tongue. Your husband will feel more guilty and apologetic afterwards.
    Thats all i can advice you now. Be patient and focus on raising those kid. i pray your man comes along. I pray you both have a lasting and have healthy relation centered in love for Allah.

    🙂

    email me if you can

  3. Assalam O Alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh sis ❤
    You may already know what that means but I'll just put the meaning right here: 'Peace be upon you, and Allah's Mercy and Blessings.'
    The common greeting as the identity of a Muslim is Assalam O Alaikum (peace be upon you) but the one I used above is like the complete form and I just love using it because everyone needs Allah's Mercy and Blessings. ❤
    Now, CONGRATULATIONS FOR FINDING THE RIGHT PATH GIRL ❤ and guess what
    NO ONE IS WORTHLESS, ESPECIALLY NOT YOU. And right now I'm really trying my best not to curse this horrible excuse of a 'Muslim' because I'd rather not curse Allah's Creation. I am so sorry you had to find him and know him and even worse, marry him. Please believe me when I say not all Muslim men are like that. The true, pious Muslim men most beloved to Allah are those who are exceptionally good to their women. How can you think you're worthless when paradise lies underneath your feet? ❤ Islam honours women greatly, especially mothers. My dear sister, I am very sorry that you found a man like him when instead you deserved a good muslim company who could help teach and guide you at the vulnerable stage after converting to islam. Please do not ever doubt Allah's love for you, Allah doesn't guide everyone, although He can. He chose to guide you, my beautiful sister, and the reason why some people are enemies of islam is because Allah has purposely blinded them as said in Surah Baqarah, the second and longest surah of Quran, verse 7: "Allah has set a seal upon their hearts and upon their hearing, and over their vision is a veil. And for them is a great punishment."
    So without Allah's Will, nobody can be guided and without Allah's Will nobody can go astray.
    Allah won't let you astray because He loves you, and His love is 70 times greater than the love of a mother. Moreover, Allah is already testing you, do you know how strong you are? ❤ Allah won't test you beyond what you can bear, although it may seem like it. You are indeed very lucky and blessed and loved by Allah, for Allah has promised you through the words of His messenger (SAW) that all of your previous sins, major or minor, of whatever type, will be wiped out completely once become Muslim, and you will start with a clean sheet, a new record. Now, Aeisha, I would really tell you to divorce your husband as he is of no good to you and you need someone who could be 'your ticket to jannah' and divorce would be the first thing I'd advice in the very first line of my reply but I'm just not sure about it...I mean its all up to you in the end but I can't help but acknowledge the fact that he has two different sides, as you said. That means he does have a part of him that cares, and he's not too far gone. He really needs to get rid of his addiction though, and he's not willing to. Maybe all he needs is a little inspiration and guidance? And one does need to try his best to make his/her marriage work before divorcing. Aeisha, maybe you could be his ticket to heaven, maybe you can help show him the right path, but then again I don't want to encourage you to stay in an abusive marriage 🙁
    But first you need to practice your own religion, you need to learn more about islam. Moreover you need to learn how to offer prayer. Please take the help of the internet and many youtube videos that teach women how to pray, it will take you a long time to learn but meanwhile you are free to make dua. ❤ You can ask whatever you want from Allah, but the rule is; remain constant. Keep making dua, and He will eventually fullfil your wish. You can make the dua in your own language, and you ask anything. Ask Allah to guide you and give you more knowledge about islam, make dua for your husband as well. A few youtube channels I recommend: Islamic Guidance, TheProphetsPath, ilovuAllah, loveAllah328.
    Please listen to the islamic lectures of Mufti Menk and Omar Suleiman, they are one of my favourite Muslim Scholars, and they live somewhere in the west too. They preach in mosques too, I think. It is your responsibility as a mother and a Muslim to tell and teach your children about islam, tell them about Allah and how much He loves them. ❤
    Don't stop sticking up for yourself, and avoid your husband when he's in a bad mood for now. I hope someone gives you an advice better than mine. Have patience, and listen to the recitation of Quran, it gives a feeling of spiritual connection. Type 'Surah Rahman mishary al afasay' on Google and listen to it, it never fails to bring me to tears whenever I'm in an inner conflict with myself. When a Muslim needs a 'push' to the right path, one invokes fear of God in him. Maybe send this link to your husband anonymously? I said anonymously because it would be more scary I think 😛 , but don't bother with him if you don't want to. Here's a link with information regarding barzakh; a place everyone has to go to after death: https://sogoodislam.wordpress.com/2013/07/21/islamic-concept-of-the-soul-and-barzakh/
    I will keep you in my prayers. ❤ May Allah make it easy for you, and make you successful in the hereafter. Ameen.

  4. Wa AlaykumSalam.

    Welcome to islam, Aeisha.

    May Allah give you in this world that which is good and in the hereafter that which is good, and save you from the torment of the fire, Ameen.

    I want to point out that bad things another person does to you is their own sin. Allah does not make a person sin to annoy you, rather, it's the shaitan that does this. The shaitan misguides people into doing wrong and this is exactly what he is doing to your husband. The shaitan knows that by leading your husband astray, he can put you down too. Remember that Allah is there and he is watching everything this man is doing to you and he will be acquainted in the hereafter about everything he had done to you. He never prays Salah, he beats you, says awful things to you, smokes marijuana all night, all these things are nothing to do with Allah trying to punish you for what you have done previously. Allah loves every new muslim so much so that when they read the shahada, all their previous sins are wiped out.

    Sister, If you say that at times he is loving but other times he hits you really hard, honestly, if i was in your place, i would leave him and look for someone i could live with peacefully for the rest of my life with my kids. I know it's not that easy but dear sis, will you be able to stay like this with him for your whole life? let alone a month, week or even a day? If he is causing you depression by giving you physical and mental scars, it is better you leave him. You have two beautiful kids that you want to raise with taqwah and in a clean, pure environment. And being in an environment with their father never reading salah, abusing you and smoking marijuana is dangerous for their future too. Not only yours. Honestly sister, once you make this decision, you will feel relieved. Leave him.

    May Allah subhanahuwata'alah make it easy for you dear sis, ameen.

  5. OP: My husband is not a practicing muslim and we really didnt meet on good terms because he cheated on his ex wife with me and left his ex wife to be with me... ...... He smokes marijuana every night and he treats me good and treats me poorly. We fight everyday......Im sorry my post is scrambled. I am so scrambled myself. Im so depressed and i am not to the point where im convinced this is a test from Allah. Or that i deserve all this bad. My husband calls me terrible names, belittles me by telling me i need to see a doctor and that i drive him crazy. He tells me he is so sick from me and that he ruined his life being with me. He always gets in my face and yells. He hits me very hard on my head and body.

    You are an American, where is your husband from? I hope he is not trying to get his "green card" by using you. Your husband is destroying you emotionally. You say he hits you very bad on your head and body. Someday he may injure you seriously. Next tine he hits you call 911.

  6. Seriously sister you should consider divorce with this man or any form of separation, because he is showing symptons of a narcissistic man; he blames you for everything himself, he's aggressive and also his change of personality like you said "feel like i'm with 2 different people".

    He's also a bad husband which is an additional reason why you should divorce him. Reading through your post and the only good thing you mentioned about him was the fact that he "cares", which itself is is mandatory of a husband , a family man to do. The rest of your points were just about how bad he is etc. I don't even need to convince you to leave him as you're doing a fine job of that yourself.

    I also find it funny how he has the nerve to say american girls are bad like he's some goddess. Anyone with a single brain cell would never make such a unprovable statement. But let me rewind really quickly ... wasn't he the one who cheated on his former wife ? Isn't he the one who smokes marijuana? and worst of all, isn't he the one who doesn't even pray?? A man who hasn't got god in his heart will face difficulties and will lose themselves just like the way your husband is losing himself

    Divorce the dog .

  7. Convert and clean slate or not, I'm sorry, but I don't feel one bit sorry for you, Madame. I only feel sorry for your children for having such an irresponsible mother. Please stop having babies with every man you meet, and please stop marrying men out of desperation. Your irresponsibility is not only ruining your own life, but also your children's...stop being so selfish and concerned about yourself that you introduce abusive men into your children's life. That's just not okay!

    I don't understand one bit what made / makes you think that a man that cheated on his wife with you, and left her to be with you, is a man that makes a good husband. I genuinely LOL'ed when you wrote "he seemed to be a very true and caring man..and still does"...

    1) Why are you defending this man?!

    2) It's really hard to take your complaints seriously when you are basically telling us your husband is a great man. So, if he's the husband version of Mr Universe, as you claim, why are you complaining about him to us? You need to make up your mind: Is your husband true or caring, or is he abusive and shitty? He can't be both.

    3) Are you actually insane? Or are you just a really bad judge of character?

    If it's the first, please seek medical help. If it's the latter, please let me enlighten you: In order for a person to "seem true and caring" they actually have to do things that prove that they are in fact true and caring. Lying, deceiving and betraying the trust of one's spouse are all NOT things a true and caring man does. Sow hat exactly, in your demented world, makes your husband "true" and "caring"? Because he pretended to be nice to you for 5 minutes? Are your standards so low that that's all a man needs to do to get you to spread your legs for him? Please have some more respect for yourself...you honestly sound like a very insecure woman that finds validation in men. It's not good for you, especially now that you have children to worry about...

    You need to do the right thing for once, and think about what's best for your children - not what's best for your selfish needs. Your husband is - and let me make this very clear to you - NOT a true and caring man. He's abusive, and your children are going to suffer if they grow up with him as their male role model. Your husband has no respect for you, and you cannot force a person to respect you. You can only take yourself away from situations and people that refuse to respect you. So that's what you need to do. You need to give your husband an ultimatum and tell him he has one more chance to sort himself out, and if he doesn't...well, then adios.

  8. Dear Sister

    As per the other comments, your husband doesn't deserve you. and Islamically- if you have tried all means of mending the marriage and it has not worked - you are allowed to leave the marriage.

    Also one thing I think you are missing is that - perhaps the only reason your husband came into your life was to bring you Islam..
    That's a true gift.
    There is plenty material out there to teach you how to pray, what the rules are and how to be a muslim person.
    Take full advantage of being a muslim.
    Emerge yourself into the learning about Islam. with or without his support.
    DO this for yourself and your children.
    Pray that he reforms.
    and if the marriage doesnt work out - atleast you and the kids would have come out as muslims.

    • I disagree with you. A woman that is willing to sleep with another woman's husband and take part in ruining a fellow woman's marriage doesn't really deserve a good husband of her own. So as far as I'm concerned this woman deserves the pig husband she's got. I only feel bad for the kids, because they are innocent in all of this and don't deserve to have their entire life ruined just because they have a stupid mother and inbred step-father.

      • Jarir ibn Abdullah reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said:

        “Allah will not be merciful to those who are not merciful to people.”

        Source: Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 6941, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 2319

      • Jarir ibn Abdullah reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said:

        “Allah will not be merciful to those who do not show mercy to people.”

        Source: Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 6941, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 2319

        Whether you disagree with the sister or not, it is not up to you decide whether a person does or does not 'deserve' anything, especially a good husband. That's reserved for Allah. Whatever happened with the OP in regards to her engaging in a relationship with a married man, I'm sure she is well aware of her mistakes and clearly acknowledges it. She's embraced Islam. Show some tact and sensitivity rather than being bitter. Your approach may wake some people up but can also drive others away.

        • 1) I have not decided anything for anyone, so just trap it, mate. Just like Ayob voiced his opinion about this woman deserving better, I voiced my opinion and said she really doesn't. Why is Ayob allowed his opinion, but I'm not? Why did you not address your post to Ayob as well if you believe a person should not voice their opinion?

          2) I don't know nor care if she is aware of her doings. Her awareness doesn't change the fact that she ruined a marriage by participating in cheating. It's not up to me to forgive her, understand her or show her mercy - nor does she need my forgiveness, understanding and mercy. She needs Allah's.

          3) You don't get to tell me what to do. I show tact and sensitivity when I choose to show it, not when a nobody like you tell me to do it. I hope I have made myself perfectly clear.

          • 1) If you re-read my message, it was about using tact when providing advice. You're entitled to your opinion, but as a Muslim, you should keep your opinions to yourself if you risk pushing away someone from Islam. Ayob wasn't addressed because he is trying to bring the OP further into the depths of the deen. All you're doing is telling her how awful of a woman you think she is for her mistakes.

            2) If you do not care of her doings, especially when she is seeking help, why do you feel the need to comment? Pointing out someones flaws or mistakes is only like rubbing salt in open wounds. Agreed, she doesn't need your forgiveness,understanding or mercy, only Allah's. So if it's not up to you to forgive, understand and show her mercy, why then do you feel the urge to comment with your opinion? And refer back to the hadith about those who do not show mercy to others. Try and ponder over it, mate.

            3) Great, well in that case feel free to continue venting to the world about other peoples flaws/mistakes. Crystal.

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