Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I could be the reason my parents divorce.

My dad is forcing us to move back home. My homeland is of the likes of Syria, Yemen, and Somalia when it comes to rankings in living standards and unis by the way. He already forced my sister, and had no problem registering her into a university rampant with drugs and not at all certified anywhere besides our home country. He doesn't care about our education, to him, it's just a way of passing time before I get to meet the husband he'll choose for me. I don't even want to marry the guy he has in mind, a guy who sticks to his traditions and culture, who believes that women were only made "to make babies and clean". That's what my dad thinks, too, he married my mother to "have power over someone" and he told my mum that she was not like the other ambitious women when she said she wanted to accept her offer from a university that is from the top 100 in the world. She's just a maid to him, they never sleep in the same bed anyways since 15 years.

My mum agonizes over her marriage 'til this day, and it's what's screwed her life over. My dad mistreated her from the engagement, but my family didn't notice. My grandmother was insulted by my dad when they were alone before the engagement, but my grandmother didn't want to destroy what she had, so she kept quite.

If I make a scene and try and move to the West, which I was born in and raised in but not in anymore, my dad will divorce my mum. We'll have to depend on the welfare system, which is quite stable and strong in the country I was born in.

I want to become the 'father' of the house, basically. I know it's wrong, but I want to provide for my mum instead and I want to work for her. I don't want my mum to depend on my dad, when he berates her in public and treats her like a child. Not to brag but I get grades at the top 1% of American students and also good at sports, so I really don't want to waste my time at home.

My dad's always been the reason I hated myself and wanted to kill myself. Ever since 6th or 5th, but I never really felt OK before anyways. I grew up without my dad for the first 10 years, he stayed with his mum and his sister. I always felt like others were more important to my dad than us, my cousins were always before us, they got better gifts than us, and he was so sweet and kind to them but so cold to us. My mum favored my brother and sister over me, so I grew up sure I was adopted since I didn't look like my parents anyways.

When I was 9, we visited him on vacation. He was moaning to me about how lonely the house was, and how no one was with him. I glared him in the eye and told him he had his mum and sister. That's basically the beginning of when my dad had a particular distaste for me. He's always looking for something to accuse me of. He used to get angry at me for watching Islamic lectures and think that I was going to ISIS. It really made our relationship much worse, because I got offended that he thought that 12 year old me was cold enough to kill someone.

I'd cry and cry for hours, and I still do. I'd hallucinate back then and think the demons were out to get me, and I'd hear voices in my head. All during this, no one really cared. I remember this time something bad happened, and I couldn't silently sob this time. I fell down on the bathroom floor and wailed for hours, and when I came out my mum just laughed with my sister in the room, asking why I was crying for so long. That's when it stung how unloved I am by both parents. I always feel like the reason for my parents' fights.

I always defend my mum and it gets her and I in trouble. She always told me to shut up and just make du'aa. SO I started listening to her for the past 2 years, even made du'aa to place some love for my dad in my heart.. I never responded to my dad. But now it's getting unbearable as I will sooner or later be moved away.

My sister and I really want my parents to divorce. We could then move back, finish our studies. I know life won't be perfect and I won't recover, but I at least want my kids to have a happy life. My dad says that if we do that, he will testify against me, specifically me, on the Day of Judgement. That he is willing to take us to Hell if we do this! I don't want to go to Hell of course so I've been silent for so long, but someone once told me that my dad isn't allowed to harm my future like this. Is it true? My dad probably will not be marrying me off as he probably can't, but I'm scared of being trapped in a desperate situation and marrying someone like my dad. It's my biggest nightmare, my dad is my biggest nightmare. Why would I want to replay it again and force my kids in a life like that? I'd hate myself so much if I did.

Am I allowed to do any of this? Islamically? Doesn't Allah want the best for me? I respect my dad nowadays I don't talk back or anything like that, I always try to get closer to him, but my dad will never forgive me anyways. He always avoids me and barely listens to me when I try and talk to him about school or something.

Sorry for ranting, I will summarize it here. I need an answer soon. I need to decide whether to make my dad angry with me, curse me to Hell and potentially divorce my mum so we don't go to our home country, OR I stay quiet and stay in my home country and pray I get married to someone who won't beat me. Pray no warfare reaches my area or the failing economy doesn't leave me starving. I fear nothing more than Jahannam and Allah's wrath, but from worldly fears I fear a husband like my dad. 

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8 Responses »

  1. Is this a repeat situation? Someone else wrote this similar stuff a few weeks ago. Does this site republish content when there is death of new queries?

    • I posted it again because I didn't see any answers and it said it wasn't published. I'm sorry. I only found the replies now anyways, months later.

  2. I think your father is being very unreasonable. He is emotionally blackmailing you. When I read such stories, it kind-boggles me because where is the Mercy in a parent' s heart?
    Why are they subjecting their children to such emotional and mental turmoil?

    We always hear about parents' rights in Islam. But children have rights too.
    Like children will be questioned on yawm ul Qiyamah about their behaviour with their parents, Parents will be questioned about their behaviour towards their children also.

    I am completely against children being rude to their parents or arguing against their parents and I am always defending parents rights when advising. But there is a limit to how much a person can bear.
    ..

    Anyways, remember that Allah is Just.
    Allah knows what you are going through. Allah is al 'Aleem- The All-Knowing.

    So why do you fear that your fathers irrational blackmail to testify against you is going to harm you? Allah knows.

    Whenever he hurts you or your mother/sister do, just remember that - Allah knows.
    And that should get you through it, inshaAllah.

    • but how can I leave my father behind? even if my parents divorce I still need to obey him, how can I leave without him? Wouldn't Allah punish me for that?

  3. If your parents divorce, it wouldn't be anyone else's "fault" than the two people that are married to each other. Their marriage, their problem. You are not responsible for making your parents' marriage work, that's up to them to make sure of. But they don't. Sounds to me like your parents' marriage never did work at any point of time...

    Your father also sounds like a really nasty bully and tyrant. I very much doubt that such an oppressive and controlling human being has the power or authority to curse anyone to Hell...maybe if your father was a Saint himself, his words would bear some sort of legitimacy. But in this case, his "curses" are ridiculous, laughable and, quite frankly, a joke. It's not up to your father to decide who does and doesn't go to Hell...no matter how much he curses people for not taking orders from him.

    Your home country sounds dreadful and hopeless, and your father is completely irresponsible for wanting to relocate his entire family to there. If he wants to divorce your mother, let him divorce her. Sounds to me like you'd be freed from a massive burden if your father actually did divorce your mother...

    • I agree 100%.

      I hope and pray that your situation gets better soon, inshaAllah.

    • but we need to obey our parents in Islam, if not we go to Hell..
      I will admit, re-reading this I make this situation seem bigger than it is because I was so despaired at the time, but it's true that my country sucks, but there are areas that aren't bombed. I'm not going to die there, but I am destroying my future career. But where in Islam is a woman's career important anyways? Our main role is to be mothers.. :/

      • honestly I don't know if I am exaggerating my situation because it really is a Hell for me but people from the outside always say that I am dramatic and if it's what everyone says it has to be, there's no war going on in the big cities in my homeland

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