Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I destroyed my life for the man I loved…

Broken heart made of tiles

Broken heart.

Should I consider his request of second marriage?

He married someone else, now I’ve been committing zina with a married man

i feel helpless,ashamed,depressed for falling bk into sin through my weekness for this man and all his promises. i let myself and let allah down greatly and now feel in such a mess. i tried to cut contact but it made me miserable and so empty inside. i couldnt sleep, eat or think and thinking how close i got to him i felt i will never be able to love anouther man as the thought made me sick. we got talking and commited zina several times...i should have stopped it but i felt so weak and vulnerable and when we got to be alone i couldnt stop crying and feeling so down..from a kiss to a cuddle things progressed and i hate myself for not saying no. it made me feel loved and i naivly thought it meant he cared. i feel such regret knowing how wrong and big a sin it is even more now that hes married 🙁 i turned to namaz and did so much repentance but feel it will not be accepted now for which i am consumed with guilt and feel so ashamed, for i couldnt see myself without him and he made me so many promises which he is still saying he is keeping by saying when he feels i am ready to share him he will do second marriage. i feel depressed for whats to come, he has plans to go back to his homeland for where he will be spending the time at home with his family and his wife celebrating their 1 year anniversary for one month and during this period also applying for her visa so she can come to live with him next year in march/april. he has said that he is not unhappy in his marriage, but he wants a second marriage to keep me in his life. I know I have been fooled by him, that no sincere man would do this, I see him day to day happy, unnafected. he had promised at first that his first marriage was just a charade, he wouldn't bring her here it was for his parents sake and he would tell his parents and come speak to mine and we would also have a proper full wedding and he wouldn't bring her here until we were together now His terms for second marriage are that we will live in the same house with separate bedrooms, and he will divide time equally between us, but has stated that although he has a proper wedding with her (mehndi, baraat, walima) his parents now wont agree for that with me and that we can only have a nikaah only and he would maby try convince them of walima. divorce is something he doesn't want. Also that he will not register our marriage as he needs to put her down as his legal wife so he can bring her here and why should that matter to me its marriage that counts. when I said register me not her he said I cant do that. i should have cut all contact afer his marriage, but my forgiving nature took over. he convinced me how sorry he was for treating me badly. he made me initially believe he had no feeling for her, that she was his parents choice and i was his. we have had so many arguments past few months as he says one minute you agree to second marriage then your not okay which shows you are not ready. I guess as he took my virginity and how long we were together my feelings took over I haven't been ablte to think clearly. logic went out the window and I just wanted him back and agreed to everything to please him. knowing that i was consumed with guilt and wanted to make our relationship halal and second marriage being only meanas but i have never had a choice as he says his first marriage its done now and this is the sitauion. i feel his terms are not fair, yet i cant find myself to walk away and when I have tried to cut contact its made so depressed that I cannot move on and I feel that's a punishement for my sins.

I think its not fair to be with another man as his first wife after all this, i have repented but what man would want someone whos heart and mind has been emotionally detroyed. I crossed the boundaries and im disgusted at myself. it breaks me to see how badly it has affected me and not him yet he says you dont know how i feel, the first year of marriage should hv been the happiest for me and it wasnt, he doesnt feel guilty about continuing relationship for he says he has intention to marry me and he thought it was better for us to gain the happiness which we lost instead of approaching my parents. he is successful and has everyone respect, his wife loves him and is eagerly looking forward to start thier new life, and she knows nothing of what he done with me althought he has said to her once he claims about second marriage.i know its not her fault she didn't deserve this. he has said to me he has never told her he loves her i know this cant be true if he married her and plans to call her over. I feel guilty she knows nothing of this and that I even let it get this far into believing he cares. i understand i was wrong to even continue any relations with him after his marriage but my mind was so confused and feeligns took over which is no way an excuse, what a big sin i hav been commiting and im suffering the consequences now while he isn't as he knows either way he will have her and says he is not unhappy in marriage. he says we just bring each other down for ,yet he has commited zina saying he wanted second marriage but when i would ask him speak to my parents he would say he feels im not ready for second marriage as im not open to sharing him and will talk to his parents and mine when he feels i am ready. i hv been struggling to cope. to move on as it has emotionally effected me so badly, how to rebuild my life and find peace,

i repented and fell back into sin and feel i wont ever find that same happiness he has found, he will have his happy married life in a few months which i will have to watch him happy and i feel he asked me for second marriage to keep up a relationship knowing what he is asking of me or how badly its affected me.i sometimes feel is not what i deserve although he feels he is doing right by me as he is saying im offering you second marriage its upto you so hes made me feel its me ending us as he is giving us a solution. i feel so confused with a heavy heart. my parents would never accept me being a second wife, my mum has made it clear and says this man was never good for you and you should thank allah he is out ur life. she doesn't know full details but knows we were together altho she never approved and discouraged it and he left me to marry someone else. deep down I know this will never be a way forward for a happy blessed married life.. im unable to think, i still have to see him at work every day althought now I have cut all contact, and he kept messaging asking what was rong and when I didn't reply he stopped also and now its just professional but it breaks me to see him happy as he doesn't care as he has someone else. through not being able to find another job I have tried to stay strong.. i have turned to allah for repentance and have since stayed true by refraining from all contact and guidance and im keeping fasts for dhul hajj in hope for forgiveness and trying to practice patience and full faith as i know this is a test from allah although i have failed previously and kept on failing :(. i feel i cant be without him and npw i hv to watch him start a family be happy for us to go our separate ways, yet with what he is offering i know everything he has done and put me thorugh, me giving him forgivness and the "solution" he is offering isn't one of much respect. I hv come to see i have been sooo naïve into believing his love was genuine and feel used and foolish to have even considered his request. EVer since I cut all contact and kept it professional, he hasn't approached me either so I know he was never sincere. things have never been good at home with my parents constantly arguiing on verge of divorce, he was always my one comfort. they want me married but have found it diifuclt to find anyone suitable and he I always thought I would end up with him... the thought of being with someone else repulses me. I know everything happens by the will of allah and this sin has made me turn back to him but I feel so broken and depressed this past year. I cry all the time. I cant enjoy anything. how will i ever heal and find peace and happiness. ive been praying, doing zikr and still feel so unhappy. I used to be such a happy person, tried my best to pray and be a good muslima, but this past year has been one big mess and I hate myself for getting into this situation, he doesn't feel bad for his actions as he says ive been weak by crying and getting upset at the situation... ive shown him forgivness, he says it was my fault he married someone else for he thought I wasn't serious and this is the situation now. i really wish I had followed islam more closely and guarded myself for now I have ruined my future happiness and thinking of my repentance not being accepted scares me.. I just have such a heavy heart each and every day and feel such a void inside even thought im trying to do right thing but deep inside I just want him back what we had, I don't feel any happiness or peace in life anymore and all through my own naivity and doings. I feel miserable and unable to concentrate, eat or function properly, i have good days and bad I don't know who to turn to anymore. he thinks im fine as I go to work sit do my work and get out but its destroyed me completely while his life is going perfectly and he is happy and content.

i realise how bad and the siverity of my sins whic his why i cut contact to focus on my relationship with allah and repentance. i know he is married and its a sin even to talk let alone whats happend and why i have put my feelins aside now. he has said you think about it, if you want this ill speak to my parents when i visit them if you really want this. if i was to hav children with her i want u to see them as ur children and vice versa and it doesnt matter about our marriage not being registered as i want to move to my homeland in a few years with both of you. he has found love, a loyal wife, the same girl he was engaged to for all the years of our relationship, a happy marriage regardless of how its left me, how can I ever have the same love, attachment, intamacy and closeness with someone else. after my experience, and reading all stories here about husbands who do not love their wives and girls unable to forget their pasts, about couples who face marriages where their husbands to do love, provide, and show them affection I now have a real fear of marriage especially because of my sin, I don't believe allah is punishing me with this suffering rather purifying me and I know no soul is burdened with more than they can handle but I don't feel strong enough to cope anymore. I also told ppl about my situation for advice and as I was so down and dropped half my weight friends and sibling became worried, does that mean I will never be forgiven and my repentance will never be accepted as allah hid my sin and I exposed 🙁 🙁
i never thought i would become his person, i never wanted to have a sexual relationship with someone before marriage let alone someone who left me for marriage and I have myself to blame. I cant seem to move on. I am trying to repent but always have severe depression thoughts. please help advise I feel totally destroyed 🙁

MuslimGirl88

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41 Responses »

  1. Sister,

    From where I sit...this man played both of you. He strung you along to keep you in his bed while he was engaged to another woman. It was a matter of convenience for him in all reality. What does this say about his character? Think about it because it says a lot.

    When you are tired of crying and feeling the way you do, you need to do some deep soul searching. You need to take yourself out of the equation here and leave this man alone. He is no good for you. Change your phone number and do not call him. Cut any and all ties with him. I know you don't believe me however this will be a life changing move for you and the best one you could make given the circumstances.

    Move on from him and try to find some peace. You can't change the past or what has happened but you can change your future. You deserve better and you know it. Repent to Allah for your transgressions and let go of what you cannot change.

    Salam

  2. Assalam alaikum,

    Girls who fall into sin often wonder what the future holds including asking if they will be able to recover and move on or deserve someone after the sins they have committed. I really do think that for you, at this point, this is the wrong direction of thinking. You need to break your false attachment with this man which is destroying your soul. Worrying about the future is really secondary.

    You need help and I seriously hope that you go and seek professional help. You need to reach out to a support group with whom you can spend time and gain good habits--they don't and shouldn't know about your sins.

    Redirect your life. All this pain that you are accumulating is hurting the heart of your soul. He is betraying you and you have opened every avenue for him to do that. Yes, logic is out of the window, but it isn't too late to bring it back.

    Depression, thoughts of repentance are from shaitaan. he was the one that didn't seek repentance for his transgression agains Allah swt and he wants the same for every human. Adam AS, on the other hand, did repent, and you should never give up on this thought.

    Turn to Allah....attach your everything with Allah swt...this man and this relationship is a slow poison that you are continuing to take.

    May Allah ease your pain, Ameen.

  3. Assalamolaikum Sister ,

    You need to throw this man out of your life .Try to find job in some other company , join some social clubs ,get yourself involved in some interesting activities .

    Allah will forgive biggest sins if some one repents sincerely .

    In the same forum we have read stories about some brothers who have forgiven their wives past and now leading very happy life with them .So don't be Negative about your future marriage .

    First take time and get out of this mess first and then plan for your marrriage ...Insha Alalh things will be fine for you .......

    Most important please find another job in different company and cut all contacts with him .

    Allah hafiz

  4. Sister,
    Quit your job, even if it means being unemployed for a period of time. When you repent from something, you have to be serious about it and give up the things that remind you of the sin. If I recall correctly from your previous posts, this person is you boss, so you really need to get out of that environment.

    Regarding the situation itself, how would you advise a friend in the same situation? How would you advise your mother if your father did something like this with a girl at the office? Think about it seriously, and then do what it takes to move on.

  5. Sister

    Please stop seeing this man.Find another job for you.He is playing with your emotions and taking advantage from it.
    Allah is always forgiving.Believe that HE has forgiven you Insha Allah.All you have to do is that do not go near that sin again.
    Let your parents find you a suitable life partner and try your best to make your marriage work.
    Time heals everything.After an year you will be happy for leaving him and have dreams about your future husband kids etc.
    But if you married him just because you loved him and lost your virginity with him.You will not find any happiness
    with him and will curse yourself for that all your life.
    Now this is the time to make a right choice.Please do not marry him.You will not get any respect or love if you became his second wife.Your inlaws will never accept you.
    Also think about his first wife.She never knew that he is having an affair.How will she feel when her husband takes another wife.She is just a newly married wife who has not spent much time with her husband.
    Two lives will be disturbed if you marry this man, one yours and other will be her.

  6. May Allah be with you inshallah. You can get through this. He's not a good person so be happy that God saved you from this man. May allah swt accept your repentance

  7. Wake up!!!!!!!!! Leave him and don't look back. He will never marry you and if he does you will never find serenity, peace or happiness with him. Believe me I know what you are going through. I was you last year. Stay busy and find a new job. I lost 8 years of my life to this other man, and I laugh at myself now to realize how much energy I spent on this other person. It was extremely difficult at first, but Alhumdullilah I survived it, and Allah blessed me with a new and better job, mashallah. But if it weren't for my job to keep me busy I would have been paralyzed with depression for much longer. GET YOURSELF TOGETHER AND MOVE ON!!!! You can do it, believe me I so know what you are going through. With every hardship there is ease.

    Watch this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xg0eFlnCQBY

  8. your so forgiving nature? then let him ho and leave him. you are destroying the domestic life of his wife. you are not even feeling shame. what are you doing.
    he has not handcuffed you ok.
    forgive him and move on for their happniess

    • this man was a liar she has a good heart and believed in love and in every word he said, the problem is that he was never sincere or honourable, yet she believes and trusted him...my dear you cannot blame urslf for his behaviour. Trust me Allah knows what he did..All will answer, ryt now u need to focus on ur wellbeing and not his happiness and what he has with this other wife. Ther is crises in every home, he is just good at pretending. Know that Allah doesn't sleep abd that at sum stage he will pay dearly for what he has done to u.

      • Shaz, I edited your comment and this is your one and only warning that insulting people is not permitted on this website. If you do it again you will be banned.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  9. leave your job there are plenty other jobs out there
    RESPECT is everything, this man clearly doesn't have this and your not doing yourself any favors
    Leave him and move on stop destroying yourself and get a grip.

  10. Assalamu Aleykoum My Dear Sister,

    Do you remember me? You even commented on my post. I was in a similar situation and just around the same time frame as yours. I am in tears reading your story but please believe me when I tell you that I was in a similar situation. The impact was horrendous and it affected me for months. I cried day and night. I lived alone at that time due to work/school. But I realized that I couldn’t get through without the help of Allah SWT. I remember being on my knees after a sunnah salah-tul-Istighfar crying so hard, asking Allah for forgiveness. I was in tears to the point where my eyes were so red and puffy for days. I was so ashamed and whenever I was asked, I would say I had allergies. I hurt so much and my heart was literally in shreds of pain. That was one of my first steps that I took. (1.) Cry my heart out to Allah SWT. I kept my struggle with my Iman. Praying, fasting and making lots of dua were my initial steps. I would fall behind but I still would struggle with my nafs.

    Then the next step was that (2.) I moved back in with my family to get away from him (I used to live very close to him). Bonded with my siblings (I used to fight them a lot when I was in the haram r/ship) and opened up to one of my sisters for support. My mother, just like yours, also told me that he was no good for nothing. She told me that if a man fears Allah SWT, he wouldn’t do what he did to me. My reconnection with my family made it easy. It was a good step.

    (3.) I even changed jobs because he knew where I worked and by the grace of Allah SWT, I got a better paying job. When you place immense faith in Allah SWT with the intentions of getting yourself away from a sin, Allah SWT opens many doors for you. I removed anything and everything that reminded me of him, which included mutual acquaintances. (4.) I cut off ties with anyone who knew him. I didn’t want to be reminded of him.

    These four steps were very hard but I never stopped. I listened to a lot of dawahs online. Mufti Menk, Nouman Ali Khan and Ahmed Deedat and that online book I mentioned on one of my posts etc… all of them helped. Whenever I needed a reminder I would listen to them. I woke up for Tahajjud and prayed. A lot! I spoke to Allah SWT and in tears I felt the connection. It took a whole year for me to start feeling normal.

    Then he came back. And guess what? Like your situation he offered marriage as his second wife. I was so angry Wallah. How could I stoop so low in his eyes? He used the excuse of love. You know what he said to me? He said that I should never ask him to leave his wife because that would be a sin. He used Qura’an quotations and hadiths. He was very manipulative and still is. Funny thing is that I never wanted him back at this point. In fact I made dua for him to move on and leave me alone and in peace. I advised him to stay true to his wife and leave me in peace.

    Again I repeat “like you” (because you remind me of me back then), I have the forgiving/forgetting kind of nature. So in order to move on in peace, I had to forgive him but I didn’t want to forget his cruel nature. Why? Because if I forgot like I had done many times before, I would see myself in that cycle of getting back to him and more pain. So in the back of my head I kept remembering (on purpose); his insults, the pictures he sent me on his honeymoon with is wife, the fact that he married another woman while hiding it from me and two weeks prior to his wedding we were still in a r/ship, all that etc. and all the bad/hurtful things he did to me. I had suffered really bad back then because of him and I didn’t want to forget that. So I cut him lose.

    I began with a fresh start. It took me at least a year to get over him. Right now I cant stand that man. It was hard to even imagine myself with someone else. I never thought that I would ever love again, but by the grace of Allah SWT I lived to experience a very new love, one filled with so much attraction that I couldn’t fathom how this could happen.

    Please dear Sister. Try these steps. They are very hard but with pure intentions of rectifying your sins and the sacrifices you would make for the sake of your Creator, Allah SWT would never let you down. That I promise.

    Also know that once you start to heal you will regain the purity of the heart. You may not be physically a virgin but the feeling that is weighing you down is not that you lost your virginity but that you have transgressed against your soul. Your reconnection with Allah SWT will make you feel pure, like as if you have never been touched before.

    As for your future spouse, dont worry now about what you will be teling him. Right now your future husband is a phanthom. If you start worrying about what you have lost and about what you would need to tell your future husband, you would not be able to heal because all you would be doing is place so much anxiety on your heart and it would be imposible to heal. Take one day at a time.

    Remember, Allah SWT is a great planner. If you ask Him, He will plan your life into beauty and serenity. Focus on your relationship with Allah SWT. Forget about your haram relationship with this man. And never worry about your future relationship (they are not in your hands).

    You are in my prayers. May Allah SWT make it easy on you. Ameen.

    SisterZahriya

    • STAY STRONG

      • thank you so much for such a beautiful response. im sorry to hear of the struggles you went through but it makes me smile that to see that you have came out the other end a much stronger person and it gives me hope. your advice always gives me such comfort and I pray allah keeps you happy and only hope iA one day I come out from this trail as strong as you. xxx

    • Salaam sister, I am also in dire need of your support. Please reply to my question http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/tried-killing-myself-after-he-left/
      Please help sis xx

      • Salaam Sister Neem,

        I have contributed a reply on your post. It says pending though. Hope InshaAllah you can find some kind of support and helpful advise InshaAllah.

        May Allah grace you with ease and contentment. Ameen

        SisterZahriya

    • Alhumdullilah. I'm so happy for you sisterzahriya! It so encouraging to hear that you found peace and harmony. Feb 10, 2014 is when I stopped my haram relationship, and the begging for istighfar started, but the serenity is still not there. Though inshallah I will never go back to the haram relationship, (no matter how much he tries,) the emptiness in my heart does not seem to fill up. And I'm learning to accept the loneliness will be apart of my life, When I'm working things are good, but in the US, most companies are off for thanksgiving and christmas, and the missing him starts all over. But Alhumdullilah I fear Allah SWT way to much to ever go back to zina.

      • Assalam Aleykoum Lisa,

        I remember you too :)... Stay Strong! You are almost there. And I salute you for making it this far, MashaAllah.

        Just a helpful reminder. My incident took place in June of 2013 when he got married. I had been falling down, then getting myself up, then down and then up; meaning I caved in when he reached out to me even after he was married. Then 3 months later in September was the last month and I stopped my haram relationship completely and seriously began to enact my steps of healing.

        I admit again that it was very hard. So hard that even after the steps I took, I still missed him and kept comparing each guy that came my way and turned them down. But with CONSISTENCE, it got better over time. And approximately in one year it came to a point that I forgot and forgiven him. In fact until today I make a prosperous dua for him and his spouse whenever he crosses my mind (remember, shaitaan will not leave you alone and will try to make you remember the haraam and if you give it a chance it will entice you to fall again...but Alahmdulilllah by then, I had no space in my heart for him).

        And when I finally met my current husband in April of 2014, I wavered a little bit and started hesitating, because I never thought that I would ever fall in love with someone else. I made Istikhara at least more than 3x. And I got married in June of 2014. So Sister Lisa, know that you have made it through halfway. In 3 months it would be almost a year for you. Focus on Allah 100% and if you come across a good brother for marriage do not dismiss him. You will fall in love again InshaAllah. There was this quote that I read somewhere that I like and applies to our situation "When you stop searching for a prince and make Allah the King of your heart, He will help you complete your fairytale". InshaAllah

        I too live in the US and really know what its like on Thanksgiving...ya3ni the city goes down "dead". Everything is closed down. Do you have family? Friends? Last year I spent it with my family and got so occupied that the day/night went very easy and fast. Or if you are alone prepare an agenda for yourself too keep yourself busy. For starters, wake up for Ta7ajud, then Sub7i, then make yourself a delicious breakfast, clean your car inside out, by then its probably dhuhr time, then make yourself another delicious meal, clean your place thoroughly, dont miss Asr and Maghreb and make yourself dinner and watch a nice movie that you like, and before you go to bed make the witr prayer and read qura'an (with translation) before you go to bed. By then you wont realize how fast your day went.

        Cleaning your car, or place is not only hygienic but I find it as a mind, heart and body cleanser as well. Usually when I am done cleaning something (even the dishes), it feels as if I have cleaned some part of my body. It also keeps me occupied to an extent that I forget all else. These are just my examples but you could do something that you like/enjoy instead.

        May Allah SWT bless you with ease and contentment. Ameen

        • Jazakallah khair for your reply. I, muslimgirl88, neem and the many more...benefit a great deal from your experience and your outcome. I have been to many counseling sessions, love addiction workshops, read many books on codependency and sought help through many imams and shiekhs about ruqyahs and duas to end my haram relationships; but it's your posts and your strength, and strong attitude (subhannallah) that run through my mind, when X approaches me and tells me that he made a mistake by getting married. I too laugh at him. You do not know how much strength and insight you have given me to do the right thing.

          I don't want to take away from muslimgirl88's problem. But my sins are much more gravely sinful than you can ever imagine. I'm too embarrassed to post them though and shame lurks me. But bottom line is that I went against the Koran and got near zina and it engulfed my like heroin engulfs a heroin addict. Though he and I both knew what we were doing was wrong, it took 8 years from us, and destroyed us completely. We both lost our souls, we took away time from worshipping our creator, and we hurt a lot of people.

          My family is another state. I thank Allah for this forum and to brother Wael, because I could never expose my sinful problems to anyone, and it's so difficult to find a solution to a problem that you keep a secret. This forum gives me that safe place to divulge some of my problems. My sins are even more complicated then muslimgirl88's though. May Allah forgive me and guide me to peace and happiness.

          Thank you again for your advice. As always, Allah has the perfect timing for everything, (this thanksgiving has been extremely lonely and rough, I soo needed your post) and your detail suggestion on how to attack my day is the same advice my counselor gave me, because Shaitan loves the idle mind. Jazakallah khair for reminding me. I will Inshallah clean my house, metaphorically clean my soul. 🙂 Take care.

          • Sister Lisa, Muslimgirl88 and et al,

            (To Muslimgirl88: InshaAllah I hope you don't feel that we are taking over your post. Knowing that the subject still falls under the same condition, I hope you can benefit from this too, even if I am addressing someone else situation).

            Sister Lisa, I am really touched to realize that I have touched many of you, and it is only due to Allah SWT's will that I am able to. I too used to visit this forum as a form of healing. Prior to this site, I used to visit many others (even non-islamic) sites for advice. When I was in the haraam r/ship, I used to be so lost and found myself without direction. Consumed with so many feelings inside me and so confused to distraction. I had alienated people who loved me and self-destructed my iman. I even had muslim counselors who guided me. But what I realized is that, even after so many advices I still went back on to the haraam and no amount of advice could help me unless I changed myself.

            Then there was this Ayat that I read which hit me hard "Lo! Allah changeth not the condition of a folk until they (first) change that which is in their hearts; and if Allah willeth misfortune for a folk there is none that can repel it, nor have they a defender beside Him." chapter 13 (sūrat l-raʿd). And I knew I had to do something in order to get Allah's SWT help. Which meant, I had to fight my nafs, for it was very weak and completely lost.

            Sister lisa, do not divulge your secret to anyone. I never did. My family knows just that I was hurt cruelly by that man but I never told anyone the details. That is a secret between me Allah SWT. When you hide your sins, Allah SWT will cover and conceal them for you. The x used to threaten me with my pics that I took with him. I told him that whatever he does to harm me will be upon him and Allah SWT will hold him accountable. Amazingly and by the grace of Allah SWT, on one of his comebacks after so many months have gone by, he asked me for my picture and I thought he must be crazy. Why would I send a married man my picture? Then he told me that he lost all the pictures on his phone including mine. Allahu Akbar!!!

            Never underestimate Allah's mercy. But you must forgive yourself too. I think you are punishing yourself so hard. Accept what you did as wrong and accept that you made huge blunders then FORGIVE YOURSELF. You cannot punish yourself so harshly when Allah SWT The Creator is Merciful. "O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful." Surat Az-Zumar 39:53.

            Also time and Iman are the definite cures. Wallah, I have forgotten the haraam acts with that man. It's as if Allah SWT has wiped away the dirty actions off of my memories, and I feel pure in my heart and mind. Now the only touch I can think of is that of my husband's, lol.

            Can you start over? Move to another state where your family is? Start from scratch. It will be hard but the change of environment will work wonders for you. And having your family that loves you near you is another form of healing. Even if it's hard, you have to take a huge step to make a change and depend completely on Allah SWT. The results will be miraculous.

            I pray to Allah SWT for you and everyone else going through a rough time, ease and contentment in their hearts. Ameen.

            SisterZahriya

          • Jazakallah Khair my Dear Sister Zahriya and my Good Online Friend,

            Thank you, Thank you, Thank you so much for taking the time out to help me. I so appreciate you sharing your story in such detail for all of us to learn from, and I hope others Inshallah who are near zina see our story and they nip it in the bud and stop, before the zina grows out of control. And I so appreciate you being nonjudgemental too.

            Yes I do agree, me moving would be the best for all parties involved, especially me. When he first got married, I went on a rampage on applying to different jobs out-of-state, but nothing came of it. I called my sister over-seas, hoping that she would take me in, but that door closed too. She is extremely busy with her family and her career, I didn't want to burden her. I did spend a few months at my parent's house in between jobs, to get away from it all, but that was just a band-aide relief.

            But Subhanallah about your pics. X also threatened me, that if I moved on with someone else that he was going to tell him about my haram relationship.

            Alhumdullilah my crying has decreased, but that's because Allah swt has blessed me with such an awesome job that fills my time. It's just this time of the year that I struggle so much and get so lonely. Gosh I don't know what I will do around christmas time. But the way you described you crying with swollen eyes and face, and then telling everyone you had allergies. That was so much me for 6 months.

            Inshallah I will never go back to him in a haram way. Every time I get weak, I tell myself that I have been obedient to Allah for so and so months, and all that hard work will go to waste if I go back to him.

            I do go through your posts and others advice, time after time, and that helps me out so much. You give me so much hope, because Alhumdullilah your dark days have passed and now Mashallah you in a place where I aspire to be at. I would love for a husband to love me, be intimate with, and a partner to enjoy life with. Congratulations again on your marriage, may Allah bless you and him with peace, happiness and understanding.

            PS I look at cleaning differently now.

          • Assalam Aleykoum,

            Alhamdulillah, I am glad that my experience is an example for many to relate to. The reason I am being detailed with the dates is to give you all an idea of how long it took me to heal. If there are those who can avoid prolonging the pain and torture, then Alhamdulillah. If there are those who are in similar time frame or longer, then it's to show you that if I came out of it, then so can you. It took me approximately one year to get out of a 3yr long haraam r/ship yet it took me three months to get married to the right man Alhamdulillah! My point InshaAllah, is that in time, all will be a lesson learned and there will be more barakkah as a result in tawakal-alAllah. Through patience you will find the rewards from Allah SWT and in remembrance of Allah SWT do you find peace and ultimately true love is that which comes from Allah SWT.

            May Allah SWT reward us all with true love, patience, tranquility, ease and contentment of the heart. Ameen.

            SisterZahriya

          • Ameen.

  11. I*d say this guys istoxic to. U find ur happiness with anither man who loves Allah.. n u will be happy as u to havea common goal.... dont put ur self down of course ur gnna feel emotional ur a human being withnfeelings... but this man dnt need to ssee emotion...u knw this relationship has messy he hasnt handled i well but he is only human...human beings r odd things...Alhamduloillah sister ur very sincere... u just need to move to solution move from messy to cleann.. u know one thing right . That u cnt be a second wife Is hard as treating wife euqally is hadrd .. n ur situation is tht either he may give mre to ur or other wise.. n u cn do with less. So u need to work out is this worth holdingnto if ur mum wownt allow Iit... why dont u find a guy tht find a guy.. who u n ur mum will be happy. Isnahallah do dua take steps... and look frward to marriage... try n ignre his happibesss till find smethign fr ur self ur nt worthlesss.. u have a place in thisworld to me ur ur very important .. then to Alllah ur nt worthlesss he far mre loving... u r a muslim u can say kalima hw goood is tht... my dear dear sister u r nt Alone dnt ever think fr once u r Allah is Always there..... this brother ifur sugggests u gets rid of this messy ssituation to clean pure marriage .... u knw itgreat feeling knowing ur marriage isis coming up.... n getting marriage at least ur relationship is legit... u cnt handle being in polygomous relationship thts fine thts u... look he hasnt dnte any thing to rrst ur concerns tht has given u peace... its ur life u make the the end decisions..

    Ur nth worthlesss.... get ur self together sis give me a hi five....say to to the future inallah helllo and isI am coming close this chapter if u feeel its just o much much energenergy fr some smoke blown around the air come on sis u have it in u to be a great person give ur self a chance .. try name him unimportant to u urself his feeling eho he is if hes nt gnna be husband find ur happuness in smething if nt ur self in giving other other ppl hhappy.. do this with time learn quran.. recite quran learn new things tlk to Allah find ur peace in his dnt frgt this life is of a few days..inthe grander pic of twhy nt enjoy them make the most of ti serve Allah halal marriage at least u knw its the real deal even if u argur u knw ur in the real thing.. u can do hajjj with husband wht a thought pray nafl together lol..

  12. Llol gt a partner on deen im with a girl whose mre materialistic itsbetter I realise hw nicer it would be if she wre hijab but Alhamdulillah I cn pass tht advise to my dear sisk.. we r lucky to hve islam which prposes to simplify thinks push us in right direction.. smile sis todays a gift unwrap it mke the most of it tmmrw inshallah my sis would be even mre amazing inshallah

  13. Dear sister's Lisa, zariyaya

    it saddens me that so many of us have gone through such similar situations yet it shows we are never alone in the problems we face. I'm still at the same job but hoping to gain strength and find a way to move on from all this and hopefully when a better job comes along i can leave. I don't have a plan other than putting my trust in allah now as I planned and planned and never imagined my.life would pan out this way and came to realise we can plan all we want but allah is the best of planners. My x is now away on his holidays for a month back to his home country to his parents house to visit them and be with his wife. It is hard but I have been trying to divert my thoughts. He wants a second marriage and has even told his wife and has said he will go tell his parents and wants to come bk speak to my parents. He knows it'd illegal what he's asking of me and said it doesn't matter that our marrage would never be registered here because islamIically i wpuld be his wife and he needs to apply for her visa so needs to register her otherwise he would want to register both. In his family one of his relatives did a second marriage so for him he feels it will all work out. He said he wants to apply for her visa and have us both living here so he can treat us equally. It'd hard because I feel torn between the man i spend so many years with cpuld lie and do such a big thing yet he feels what he has done sometimes he belittles it as so much time has went by and says the marriage is done and I want to find a way forward and I wish I didn't but i do miss him and find it cruel that he knew he only way I can be with him is by second marriage. My mum and sister do not like him for all that he has done and feel he had it all planned never was going to marry me but his parents chocie and wanted a second marriage with me knowing it wither wouldn't happen or even if it did they say why would u want to be second best to a man who didnt put u first and do not feel he is a good man of character. He said he didn't want me to leave work because he didn't want me to move on or us to end. I don't know what page my life is taking me on other than im putting my focus on repantance and trying to please allah and my family. He's made me feel I can still have all that i want with him and i feel trapped becos part of me knows he was never sincere otherwise a man who was would never do this and the other part feels this pain is something I have to live with as no matter what i wanted his wife desevres hapoiness and i know no matter how much he tries to rectify things....i could never go against my famile. I don't know if i wull find love or happiness again...it's been exactly one year for me also same as Lisa but.....i have come to realise I have to bear this with patience and nother ever happens without the will of allah. If allah wanted me to be with him I would have. I cant question his plan and i know my relationship was wrong and any pain i feel I would rather suffer now than in the next life. This life was meant to break our hearts and i don't know what direction my life is going in but I have put all faith on god.

    • OMG! Exactly what you are going through, that is what I went through with my X. X is begging me to be his 2nd wife. He bought me extravagant gifts, tempted me with my own housekeeper and a huge allowance and many more...But X chose to marry this other woman, and that was the day he broke us, and we will never be whole again.

      Muslimgirl88, think really hard. Your x claims that he married cause of preasure and fear from his family, but now he's not considering his family for a 2nd marriage. What parent in their right mind would approve of a 2nd marriage. I too have distant family relatives who are in 2nd marriages, but all the 2nd marriages were done without the blessings of the family. So now he is strong enough to fight for you and he was strong enough to fight for you, when he's parents so-called forced him into an arrange marraige? I hate to say this, but I really think our X-men did not think of us worthy marriage material, and they are just using us for their lust and ego-boosters. We are living a fantasy life by telling us stories that the men love us for us, and we are living a life of illusion and denial, because the truth is so unbelievably painful and excruciating to accept. But little by little we have to accept the truth, and move on and get strong, and remind ourselves of sisterzahriya's story and hopefulmuslimah's story.

      Pls watch over and over this video:
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqRZEZfcHKo
      and listen to the part about how sheikhs and others left marriage to pls their family.

      May Allah guide you, and may Allah bless you with husband that is righteous, loyal, faithful, committed, loving and understanding to your needs.

    • Assalamolaikum muslimgirl ,

      Please change your job else your dilemma will never end .Daily you are seeing this man in your office so still you are trapped in the same situation .Please change the job and move on ..
      May Allah help you .

    • Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, "Trust in Allah, but tie your camel."

      A passage from Al-Quran [13:11]: "Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves."

      You may and should put your trust in Allah, but remaining at your job will not allow you to change the condition you are in. Dear Sister, this is a very simple fact. I concur with Br. Logical and urge you to leave your job immediately--you are obstructing your own path to escape from this horror.

      Everytime you talk to him, listen to him, wish for him, you are denying yourself repentance because you are not discontinuing the acts that lead to your sins. There is a reason why a woman is supposed to have a Wali - and whatever you are negotiating with this man, would be the job of the Wali. What you have done and committed is over now - do not let those become the shackles that tie you this continuing sin.

      I urge you sister to leave your job, stop all and any forms of communication with this man, vow and promise to Allah swt that you won't talk to him again and leave all other matters to Allah swt - that is trust in Allah swt. It is not trust in Allah swt to change nothing, to continue all actions, to only hope in something different when no change in plan has occurred - trust in Allah comes after we put our best efforts first - not when we continue on a path of doom and hope Allah will change our direction.

      If I sound harsh, I only wish the best for you sister and that you come out of this....you will be in my prayers, May Allah protect you and shield you from this man who is only using you.

  14. Allah will forgive you..
    Well u did wat was right in love ..
    U were clear abt marriage. .
    Its ok

    But look forward and promise yourself that u won't do this kind of mistake again
    go ahead..the person hu will get u will be d luckiest. .as to find such a dedicated lover is very hard today

    • Not necessarily that dedicated lover will be good for others ..It will be bad too if dedicated lover compares her past to present husband ..

  15. Sister ,

    You better change the company and look for a new job ..Daily meeting him will further destroy you ..

  16. Dear @muslimgirl88 Allah promised as long ss u will ask for forgiveness sincerely then he will surely forgive you.Allah is the most forgiving do not ever think hes punishing you for what you did if youve asked for forgiveness like u said u did then im positive he will forgive you and for this man nd the feeling you have for him i think nobody can help you other than yourself. He deceived you most men are like that what ure going through right now most women will understand u did make a mistke having sex with him but what happned has already happned u cant keep blaming ur self u were deceived nd im pretty sure God will pay back for you . I think u need to work on urself try to forget abt him if u cant then pray over it u might be feel broken right now but nothing is impossible wiyh prayers. I understand how u feel nd i really hope you feel better pretty soon. In shaa Allah you will find happiness again nd be happier than ever

  17. i am still at the same job, but alhamdulilah i am recovering . i spent this ramadan asking allah for forgiveness and i would never ever repeat any of these mistakes ever again. i have cut of all communication with him and we only communcate now regarding work. i realise i made grave mistakes, the first of which was staying with this man for as long as i did and to have fallen for his lies. i can see the reason i was and am in so much pain is because i overstepped the boundaries set by allah swt and that is something i regret each and every day. it doesnt matter what these men promise but i should have known better and walked away rather than follow my heart into sin. he alwasy maintained that he wasnt happy, he would say i dont talk to my wife unless its special occaions or she asking for permission to go somehwere, he still has kept her in his home country and said it was becasue of me he hadnt called her yet, he kept trying to convince me that he needed more time, that he would talk to his parents, that he was confused, i can see now all he wanted was a physical relathionship to pass time as. when it came down do it and i would say talk to my parents the excuses would come, he broke me so much i got an elder family member involved, after that he changed his tune and said my heart is dead, i cant leave my wife and need to follow my heart and if you want to be with me your only option is a second marriage. i feel heartbroken i wasted so many years with this man, when he never had a seriuos intention. i cant blame him as i blame myself for allowing this situation to happen but the way i see it, maby it was all a blessing to bring me bak to allah. i have many regrets, and i hate that i do still miss him and feel broken, but i hope in sha allah one day allah swt forgives me and i am able to find happiness. my parents have been looking for a spouse but with no luck. all the years i was with this man, i turned down suitors and now i am older it has become more difficult but i guess this is part of me test in which i need to be patient.

    i hope anyone reading this in a simiar situation can learn from my mistakes, if a man loves you, he wont lead u into haraam, he wont make excuses and ask for time, he will approach his parents and do things the islamic way. i wish i had the courage to walk away when i was in so much pain, that i had maby listened to adivce and left him but i so badly wanted to have faith in him, that he did love me and would do right and believed his words that i kept myself in that cycle,

    may allah protect all girls hearts and may allah guide these men.

    • Sister ,

      Good to know that you are recovering and trying to follow the path of Islam and have repented sincerely .
      I have one suggestion for you to try for a new job and quit this company . If you stay in the same company and daily communicating to him it will be a problem .
      Also if you get married and your husband comes to know about your ex and your relationship and you both still working in the same company it will lead to other problems in future .

      Joining new company will reduce your problems . May Allah help you .

  18. I am the original poster.
    its been 5 years since everything happened.
    all the advice given was correct.
    i always carry a sence of immense guilt and regret, that had i done things differnetly, i would not be in this situatuon
    i pray and i wont lie, my heart feels immense sadness, for everything that happened.
    he stayed with his wife and now has a daughter and his wife is currently expecting his second child.
    i know due to a work collegue who still see them
    i have struglled to get married, due to age, and any families i have met, i do not meet their demands (not fair enough, not tall enough etc and are always pre judged - that im from UK and girls for pakistan are consider better "wives")
    i try and have hope but its hard to know the man who broke my heart and had such bad intetions is out in a happy and moved on easily, hes got a loving wife and children,
    and i feel so isolated
    i try and "move on" but it feels forced, i pray and it helps for a while, but i seem to have lost all joy from my life
    my parents do not get on, and im always having to mediate in between fights. im having to request the look for proposals and they dont realsie how much its affects me.
    my younger brother and everyone around me is married and settled.
    im i being punished for my past?what if i dont ever feel the love i had with him for even though i have repented, i knew my actions were wrong at the time but i put my desires first?
    why does my ex get to find happiness and the blesing of being a dad, when being a mother was the one thing i craved most.
    if i have repented sincerly, why do i still feel so sad, and broken

    • muslimgirl88
      I have read your posts before and was expecting that you probably might have moved on by this time . I m sad to know that you are still stuck in same loop .
      See your main problem here is you are still working in same office and you keep seeing and hearing about him almost regularly which is not a good thing for you .
      Please find new job and move on .forget all that has happened before and start fresh .If you remains in same office it is not possible.
      How old are you ? I believe you are good looking girl with good heart but now demotivated due to bad experience. I m sure some day ,some good Muslim you will find ,get married and have a kids .Be positive .Please quit the job and find new office .What type of your job profile is ?

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