I didn’t know that he was married
I met a muslim guy and we started dating. Obviously he told me that he is not married. I started to love him but one day someone called me claiming that she is my boyfriend's wife. . She is asking me to leave him because she wants to save their marriage and wanted her husband back.. After that he disappeared and I stopped hearing from him.
After 2 months he contacted me and saying sorry and explaining to me that he is only secretly married to the woman who called me.
Does secret marriage do really exist in. Islam? Do I need to believe him? Cause now he is coming back to me.
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Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim - In the Name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful
Hello Rose,
Thank you for coming to us with your question. I would like to begin by telling you that there are many things wrong with the way this young man has approached you, so let me start at the beginning.
In Islam, we are very protective of men and women, and the are pretty strict rules governing the relationships between them. In order to protect either, especially women, from being taken advantage of, we do not allow non-related men and women to be alone together. We also do not allow physical contact, such as holding hands, touching, kissing, etc. Islam has a very healthy attitude towards sexual relations, but only within the bounds of honorable marriage. Intimacy outside of marriage is not permitted.
As you see, that would mean dating in the "Western" sense is not permissible, and as a Muslim, he is committing a sin by having a dating-type relationship with you. Regardless of his relationship with other women, this means that he is not behaving in a manner that is pleasing to God and not giving God his rights, so you cannot trust him to give you YOUR rights as a human being.
As for his being "secretly married", this is not permitted in Islam. In Islam two of the conditions of the marriage being valid is that the guardian of the woman, usually her father if he is Muslim, consent to it, and that the marriage should be announced. If they did not fulfill these and the other required conditions, then that marriage is not valid and they are living in a state of fornication.
Now, it may be that he did the marriage correctly, but he kept it "secret" from you. Technically, it is not "required" in Islam to inform a prospective wife that another wife already exists, but in reality this is a bad situation because it involves lying and deceit. We Muslims try to follow the example of our Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, and he never made a secret of any of his marriages and he treated his wives always with honor and respect.
If a man has a wife and does not tell his other wife that he is already married, then he has to surround himself with lies. "Who were you talking to?" "Oh, that was my aunt." LIE. "Where are you going this weekend?" "Oh, to a business conference out of town." LIE. So you see, even though technically he doesn't have to say he is married to another, by having to continually lie and deceive to keep his secret, he is piling up bad deed after bad deed, and he will of course completely break the trust of his new wife because at some point she is going to find out.
My sincere advice to you is to cut off all contact with this man. He is obviously wanting to have a wife and a girlfriend, and he is not respecting you. You should respect yourself also and not allow yourself to be used by this man. Do not consider marriage to him and get on with your life.
It may be that this difficult situation has come about in order to open you up to the idea of learning about Islam. Obviously you care enough to entrust us with this question, so I am hopeful that you will continue to learn and ask questions for your own sake, and not just for the sake of a relationship with this young man. I encourage you to visit our sister website, http://www.zawaj.com, to read beneficial articles about marriage and relationships in Islam, so you can get a better picture of the honor and trust in which women are held. Also, you can visit educational Islamic websites such as those I have listed here:
http://www.islamicity.com
http://www.turntoislam.com
http://www.converttoislam.org
I pray that you come out of this situation with a greater appreciation for your own value, and with the wisdom to understand why Islam values modesty and chastity so highly. You are always welcome to return here to answer any further questions.
Fi Aman Allah,
Noorah,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
Asalaamualaikum Sister,
No, Islam does not allow secret marriages. The whole point of conducting a 'nikah' - marriage ceremony is to legalise your relationship. It is a contract which is meant to be public so that others are aware that the couple are together 'legally' and not in a haraam relationship. If the nikah was kept secret, people would become suspicious if they saw the couple together.
First of all this man told you that he was single, then because he got caught out, he told you he was in a secret marriage. And now, while he is still in some sort or relationship with another woman - legal or not, he wants to continue seeing you. He does not appear to be a man who has any moral values or strong eeman.
I would strongly advise you to steer well clear of him.
I can only assume that you are not in a very strong state of eemaan at the moment because you are considering being with such a person. Furthermore, you have been dating, and this is totally forbidden in Islam.
Sister, I would kindly advise you to re-focus your priorities; do tawbah and make an effort to come towards your deen.
Mix with sisters who are inclined towards deen and learn about the life of Prophet Muhammed (saw) and his wives.
When you learn about what a beautiful and amazing man he(saw) was - he was full of honesty and truthfulness; you will know why this man you have queried about is not right for you.
Sister, stay clean away from this man. Obey the bonds of sisterhood and don't get involved with a married man. An immoral man will say whatever is necessary to get away with his actions and convince you of good when all there is is bad. I have seen it too many times.
If you are willing to share him with another woman - then that's up to you - but there is a clean way of going about things and a dirty way of going about things and he is going about things the dirty way, so steer clear of him and find a good, clean, available man who will marry you and settle with you and not cheat on you by pursuing other women whilst he is married to you,
Peace,
Leyla
Assalamualaikum
Dear sisters
I want to share a similar story of mine. Roughly two months ago I put myself on a matrimonial website called single Muslim. I came across a guy who seemed very genuine and he constantly let approaching me and so forth. We started talking on msn and we use to get along very well and were always enjoying the time we spent online togethe. One day he tells me his in love with me and I know it sounds strange, but I also felt something so strong for him.
The problem I had then was that he was British born Pakistani but was in Pakistan trying to sell some property and was duct come back to uk to meet me and his family/friends.
After confessing our love for each other he said he was going on a short break to Thailand with some of his friends.
He said he needs a complete break from everyone family friends etch that he why he will not tale his mobile phone with him. I found it necessary to understand this as I know men sometimes need space to think.
So he was in Thailand and after a few days had passed he emailed me. I was so happy and thanked Allah so much as I was waiting in anticipation to hear from him.
I open the email and see it was a forwarded email.
It was sent to someone else first, then forwarded to me.
And the person it was sent to was a girl.
So I replied to him saying why it was sent to another girl, especially considering that it was a very intimate email.
He replied saying he had rested his fiend to email me this n he was not online....... Which is a pack of lies.....
He was online and he is awful with computers and unfortunately he got caught in his lie.
Once he came back from Thailand to Pakistan I had a video call from him, I asked him if he loved the pterosaur girl then I have no objection we can still remain friends etc...
He denied anything and reassured me that he loved me.
Anyway o had opened up an new hotmail account with a guys name n emailed that girl to find out what's what while he was on Thailand but the girl was stupid, she refused to beleive anything.
So once he was back In Pakistan he spoke to her n she told him that someone emailed her warning of a guy etc.....
So he gets back to me furious asking why o did this n so on. I was scared of loosing him and denied anything.
So he says after all this I don't no what to think anymore.... When I come back to uk we have to meet n see if we like each other etch.. So he was changing
Them his like oh that girls lives in the states and I can't predict a future with her....
Following day he told me he had food poisoning but we had a good normal conversation.... After that he disappeared.
He would not reply to my text nor call me back and it's been 10 days
He deleted me off skype and his done rings but he does not pick it up
I leave txt msg n he still doesn't answer.
I have been praying non stop to Allah swt and I want my pain erased.
I feel cheated, betrayed and constantly get tortured in his thought.
The dream I had of him together all ending and the music we both liked makes me feel so much pain when I hear it...
My whole life has turned upside down and I can't find any peace.
In the middle of my prayer I start crying and I can't control it. I get panic attacks and I don't no what to do
Please pray for me everyone I am in so much pain right now :.(
JazakAllahu khairun
Sahrah
Sorry to hear what you are going through. I pray that Allah swt eases your pain dear sis and InshaAllah I will make dua for you. Sister this started off with good intentions on your side presumably. I assume not so good on his side.
This is why its so important dear sis, to stay within islamic guidlines.
-If your interested in someone LET YOUR PARENTS KNOW STRAIGHT AWAY! - Or at least a mahram. - Only meet with a mahram present (brother, father etc) NEVER alone.
- Alone includes talking on phone and online as well dear sis.
Follow these rules and InshaAllah you will protect yourself. Getting to know each other should be chaperoned by parents! Learn from this and make tawbah. Allah swt is the Most Merciful.
To do:
STOP texting him, delete his contact info and dont make contact again!
dear sis you are worth so, so much more than this. Think about it...Did you really want to marry someone who lied, was decietful and messed aroun with other women. Allah has SAVED you. This is a BLESSING.
Make sincere tawbah and turn to Allah swt
Alhumdulilah that your praying. Continue - make an effort to get close to Allah. Do night prayers if you can, even just 2 rakat but make it a habit - it will be easier. Dont be afraid to talk to Allah, and ask of Allah. Make dua and ask Him to bring you close to Islam and give you peace. I have unfortunately never felt that peace for very long. But if u walk towards Allah swt, Allah runs towards you. So sister start walking - you can either wallow/try to bring somethin beautiful out of the bad situation. I pray u choose the latter.
Stop questioning it
Dont question why or how he did this - it will drive u mad! Make an effort to think about other things.
- Be preoccupied
Keep busy - give yourself as little time to think as poss. Take up a new (halal hobby) Mix with good muslim sisters. Learn a language. Get involved in a project. Most importantly try to also have a hobby which will bring u closer to Allah
Know that u will heal InshaAllah - Give urself time
Im sure dear sis, if you ask many people, many would say they have been through some sort of heartbreak in their lives. And we've moved on. With time and patience. So dear sis you can do it - it will just take time.
If u want to move on : STAY AWAY FROM THIS GUY OTHERWISE YOUR STOPPING YOURSELF FROM MOVING ON AND SINNING
May Allah swt make it easy for u and guide u. I will InshaAllah pray 4 u
Ameen