Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I do every work of my husband, but he treats me like a maid. Now he threatens to quit the job which I got him

There is a solution to every problem

There is a solution to every problem

Question 1:

I'm back again.

Of course, all the support I got last time gave me hope that Allah would answer my prayers and make things better, but things are only getting worse.

My husband and I live with my mother, but she constantly tries to put a strain on our marriage by rewarding my husband for his bad behavior and always telling me in front of him that I'm the one who destroyed the family because I had a nervous breakdown when I was 19 due to being constantly bullied in school and pressure to get good grades.

She always says in front of him that I destroyed the family which gives him a chance to put me down whenever he can and manipulate me even though I do everything for him. I helped him to pass the written test for driving and the road test so now he has a provisional driving license. Even, I filled out all his job applications and everything for him while he relaxed and watched TV.

I feel a lot of times he treats me like a slave because if I don't do one thing immediately (like make his tea exactly when he wants it) despite doing everything else, he focuses only on that and says how his life is nothing but suffering because of being 5 minutes late making his tea. I try so hard to be a good wife to my husband and a good daughter for my mother (I clean the house and cook really good meals and basically do all the housework),

But it doesn't mean anything to either of them. My husband is totally unsupportive of me. He expects me to drive him everyday to work and do whatever he says (which I do because I am his wife), but he totally doesn't support me in any way, emotionally or financially. He is a very weak man (I hate to admit it, but it's true). He always says that I am responsible for the way things turn out and everything depends on me. So, he bears no responsibility at all either?

I have to do his homework for his job (which I helped him to get by the way). Now, I have very little money and my sister's wedding is coming up, but he didn't even want to buy my dress for her wedding (which was extremely expensive). He said to me that this is not his family matter so my mother is responsible to pay for everything. Of course, I know how expensive weddings are in America (especially South Asian weddings)

So I helped my mom pay for the dress and jewllery with whatever little money I had. Then when I told him that even if he made little at his job, the least he could do was help me pay for the dress since I have very little money and no job, he said this isn't his family matter and it's not his problem. So, it's not his problem to financially help his wife? All he cares about is his relatives and friends.

He worries always about his reputation and tries to blame everything on me so that my mom will side with him. Since he came to America, he keeps saying to me that he has so many relatives in America, and if he just made one phone call, they would easily take him in. I have no problem with him being kind and friendly towards his relatives and family, but he can't do that with me either, his wife?

What does it mean if he is good with the outside world and treats his wife like garbage? I always feel like he is using me for citizenship, but it's hard to say because he keeps fluctuating in behavior. One day, he says I make him so happy and he loves me so much, the next he says that his biggest mistake was that he married me. I get no emotional support from him at all.

For more than 5 years, I have helped my mother in the family business, and while he was waiting for his US visa, I made sure all the papers were turned in so that it can be processed faster. Who helped him to get to this country? His relatives or me?

He is the most ungrateful person in the world and never appreciates all the things I did for him. Without me, he wouldn't be able to do anything since he is a very worried person and scared all the time about everything. I just think he is completely weak and useless. Recently, before he came to America, my mother hired a South Asian muslim man from our country of origin to help at the family business since she needed help and I understand how stressed out she is.

However, this man was not good at all. Despite being a married man, he tried to touch me in a sexual way. Of course, I was furious but now I regret that I said anything. I told my mother and instead of being concerned for my safety and firing him, she was worried about her business. She didn't do anything for more than 5 months. I told my husband about it, and he said to tell my mom about it, but she did nothing.

My husband never said anything to her, but he tried to show her that he was upset, in which she got embarrased because in South Asian culture they only care for their reputation. Instead of listening to me and worrying about me, she let him go when she saw my husband was upset. What kind of mother does that? If you're telling me that I should just understand her for this, I just find it so hard to do so.

I know owning a business isn't easy. I know that it is many hours and I can see she is stressed. However, she had my help there, but she has to also think about her family's welfare. It seems like all she cares about is the business. Now, because she has put a strain in our marriage life (in South Asian culture husbands always listen to their mother-in-law over wife even if they are wrong), and because of the mental problems she has caused me (I didn't go to help her in the store for several days because I am always dealing with emotional problems because I have no support from anyone in my family, especially my husband who I need most despite doing so much for them)

She hired another man to work in the store without telling me. I came in and I was so surprised and hurt that she hired someone else without telling me anything. It brought back memories of what happened to me there before with that other man, and I just left upset and crying. Why didn't she inform me without doing this? Then I called my husband to tell him, and his response was this is not his family matter. It's her business and that's it. He said he isn't there, so he can't help me.

So basically, if someone shot me in the head at the store (it's in a very bad area and has happened before to my uncle), it wouldn't be his issue because it isn't his business and he wasn't there at the time? What kind of a husband is this? I was so upset with him and crying and now I just have so much mental problems. I don't know how I will support myself emotionally and financially with this loser I am marrie d to. I'm sorry to say, but he is nothing but a loser.

He only cares about saving himself and that's it. I am always giving him back rubs and taking care of him and supporting him when he feels down, but when I need him he could care less. He's good for nothing. He always says he will change, but never does. Talk is cheap. I want to move out of my house and live with him, but I am afraid he will always mistreat me and fight with me. Whenever I turn to my mother for help when he acts like this, she just doesn't care at all. She says she can't say anything to her son-in-law.

I think this is all ridiculous.

I don't know if I'm wrong or they are right, but I do know I have mental problems now and it will be very hard for me to deal with all of this. I don't know what to do and therapy is useless. I tried calling Islamic numbers for help, but they didn't care either. I think I need to just be dead because there's nothing for me here. I would not divorce my husband because I know all the blame will go on me for everything. I tried so hard to make him happy and my mother happy, but it's useless.

They blame me for everything. If I share a secret with my husband (he is my life partner), he always uses the information against me and throws it back at me. I can't take any of this anymore. I have turned to Allah so many times, but nothing improves. What do I do? I am so lost and hopeless and always wish I was dead. Tonight, I slept on the floor because I didn't want to be near my husband, and he just slept all night on the bed and didn't care less.

Always saying he has headaches and everything and expects me to give him a backrub despite the ways he treats me. I really can't believe what a big mistake I made, but I know I can't take it back now. It's too late and I have to suffer forever with this horrible, miserable life. He's just a man that cares for everyone else's welfare (his relatives and family), but little for his marriage life.

I think he's a loser and it I'm wrong, I need to know from all of you so I can correct my thinking if it's true. I also think my mother makes everything worse because in her mind men are always above women and you are a bad wife if you get mad with your husband or say anything to him when he is wrong. I just don't understand any of this.

If someone just shot me in the head, I would be grateful for that. This is the worse life in the world. I always prayed to Allah for success and loved him so much (I've been studying Quran since 6 years old and do namaaz and fast during Ramadan and always try to give to the poor with whatever little I have), but now I see nothing has come of it.

Also, I help pay for groceries and gas in the car and I tried to make phone calls for medical insurance for my mother since she doesn't have it and I always worry for her, but she wishes I was never born and said to me that she doesn't care about me.

I will get punished for being an ungrateful child and living in her house. I have always been grateful for everything, especially the financial support my parents have given me, but it hurts me that I am always looked down on and it seems that business is first and children are last. Don't know if I'm wrong or right. Please help me!


Question 2:

Now, because I have expressed my feelings to my husband and I stood up for myself, he's saying he will quit his job and keeps crying that I don't take care of him. He keeps saying he has a headache and back problems, but what did he do for me?

Tell me, why should I take care of someone who always blames me and messes me up emotionally all the time? I don't care if he quits his job because he is a loser...bottom line.

He wants to quit because I won't give him a ride to work due to his ill behavior...please. The bus stop is right there he could take a bus easily to work in less than 10 minutes. I don't need to baby him anymore. Also, he needs me to perfect his driving skills, but I'm not going to help someone who never sees that he is wrong and basically thinks he is a good perfect person because of all the fakeness he does with other people to make them think he is so good.

Also, I am afraid if I help him, he will go above my head and use everything against me. He will still mistreat me and disrespect me even though I got him to where he is now. He told me he would post everything on facebook so that everyone will side with him. I told him I don't care. Just do that. It will only bring him down because no husband does that and humiliates his wife like that.

He saw me posting all of this, but this is anonymous but I have no choice because mentally, I am messed up. I need counseling or something, but muslim brothers and sisters do not care about me. I tried to turned to conventional therapy (been to 3 therapists already), and it was just useless. They don't say anything and never help me deal emotionally with all of this.

My therapist (non-muslim) even yelled at me because she sided with my husband. I have been taking medication because I have mental problems now, but it's useless. I doubt this is some chemical imbalance in my brain. Anyone would break down dealing with all of this.

Medication won't solve external problems and won't help you to cope better with things. I don't know what to do. In Islam, is the wife always blamed for everything and treated like garbage and she has to sit there and smile and just do everything for her husband because Jannat lies at her husband's feet (according to my mother)? I don't know what to think.

~ islamicgirl28

(Editor's Note: The following questions were previously submitted by the sister):

Everyone hates me, and I’ve lost faith in Allah

I love my husband but he wont find a job and I’m having trouble conceiving

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15 Responses »

  1. Dear Sister,

    I red your story. I assume you must be of Pakistani back ground like me.

    Why to go in so much suffering if you are living in America. You can do a lot of things. You can call the cops, get him arrested, you can call 911 and get those other guys arrested who touch you as you said. But you did not do any thing and that is not good either.

    In the US women enjoy so many rights and privileges. But what I could gather from your story was that you remained silent and suffered. This is something I cannot understand. So now you take charge. Sit down with your mum and husband and identify the problems and talk to them. You could also go to marriage councilors and get them to suggest treatment. Ask your husband to be responsible. If nothing works out. Seek a divorce and move on in your life.

    The process of divorce and the misery that comes with it will be more than enough for your husband to straighten his acts together. Looks like he has taken you on a wild ride and does not understand how good you have been to him.

    About those guys your mother employed, you could call the cops on them and get them arrested so that they also know that committing sins are punishable in this world and there after. Do not live silently but act quickly. No one should be mistreating you.

    Even in Pakistan, women have rights and gaining more and more. I am very happy on this development. Islam gives fair treatment to all genders. Time has come to enforce Allah's law on his lands.

    Lastly do NOT think about, “Someone putting bullet on your head and I die”. Do not say anything like this. Committing suicide ii not liked by Allah SWT. Sister may your worries by solved by the Almighty. Ameen.

    Best regards,

    Asif Khan

  2. i remember reading your older posts and i agree with asif khan.

    look, everybody's going to advise to based on their life experineces, not yours. previously you said your husband was happy with you and your mother creates problems. now we're finding it's the husband who's giving you a hard time too.

    from what you told about your husband, he does seem like an aweful person. you have to break out of this setting. leave him if you think your life will be better. move out, start a job. start over.

    God helps those who help themselves.

  3. Sister,

    I have been through similar experiences with my husband where he does not take responsibility and does not appreciate anything I have done for him. But my mother was supportive. Its horrible for you as both your mother and husband are making you feel upset. My husband is also from back home and sometimes I think that he only married me for citizenship too. I have noticed that many men who come new to UK or US behave like this with thier wife. It is very common. My husband has manupilated me for many years making me believe that I am in fault and all the bad things in our life are due to my shortcomings. Now looking back i have noticed my errors. Gathering from the information you have given in your post your husband is definitly in the wrong. You need to be strong and trust in Allah and take control of the situation.

    This is MY OPINION only based on my experience, but if this is contrary to any aspect of islam then disregard.

    The more you strive to fullfill his every wim and desire you will become enslaved to him and he will rule over you like a corrupt king and further mistreat you. You need to change your mindset and only fullfill your duties as a good muslim wife i.e cook clean for him etc etc. Anything that the wife is not obliged to do, do not do it. I.E Do not fill his job application for him. Do not give him a ride to work. He needs to stand on his two feet and fullfill his duties as a husband. Do not help him out with money. It is his duty to provide for you and pay rent bills in your mothers house. You need to sit down with your husband and mother and explain their duties in islam and what your duties are to them. Tell them that you will no longer put up with this behavoiur. They need to change their attitude. If your husband mother argue show them the ayat in the quran explaining the husbands duties etc etc.

    Also at the same time spend more time with your husband go out on his day off and always talk to him nicely. If he is angry about something without just cause then just smile and explain nicely to him that he is in the wrong not you. Do not get upset if you are right then you need to happy the you are being a good wife and allah knows that and your husband is in the wrong let him get upset about it. show him that his anger at you is not effecting you once he knows that you are under his control he will keep making you more upset and control you further. You need to take control of the situation. Do not let anything he says upset you.

    Spend more time with friends take up a hobby. You said your husband wants to look good in front of other people. Then use this against him to make him understand his faults. If he wants to quit his job tell him that he has to provide for the family it is his duties. Ask him and your mother who will pay the bills when you leaves work. Im sure your mother will not be happy about it since you guys are living in her house. Then your mother will put her foot down. If he quites let him quit. Then you can keep shouting at him to feed you and clothes you and your mother will pressure him too. Then he will be forced to get a job and do not waste your time helping him. They have to learn the hard you. Im sure his relatives will not be pleased with him then!

    If this fails then you need to give him an ultimatum either change yourself or else I will leave you. You can get a job and get a place for yourself.

    I am sorry if I said anything wrong but I find that being a good wife brings more misery. Sometimes you have to play these mind games to get a fair deal out of marriage unless you have a really good pious husband which is very rare these days.

    As you can see most of the posts here are from wifes who are being mistreated by their husbands.

  4. asalamu alaikum,

    it seems like your husband got a disorder. he treats you like this cause maybe thats all he knows. backward mentality. clearly he is the problem no doubt. i think you should leave him.

    in islam the husband has to support the wife finacially and emotionally. he aint doing any of them, that is more than enough for you to leave.

    if you stay how you are, you gonna get into deep depression, with no solution.

    ma salama

  5. Islamicgirl28

    Assalamualaykum, sister

    My first thought on reading your questions is this: You are building up many many rewards by your behaviour. Allah knows your heart, your pain, your sorrow, your frustration. Because of your strength, your mother and your husband are both reaping the rewards of your labor. Don't discount the value of serving Allah above all else. You are pleasing Him with your hard work.

    However, please do not let Shaytan place the ideas of killing yourself or death into your head. Shaytan knows how much you are pleasing Allah with your efforts! That is why is is whispering this idea in your ear. Do not allow Shaytan to triumph.

    Turn to Allah for strength, as you have. Turn to Him again and again. He will not forget you. We do not know His plan. Be he is very aware of your struggle. Allah is testing you because he favors you! He knows you have such strength, He is preparing you for your role in His plan. Look at how much more difficult your trials are than most. That means your rewards will be even greater.

    But to address your situation, Allah does not approve of treating people poorly or taking advantage of others. Your husband appears to be doing so. It might be possible to change your husbands heart and attitude with loving but a more strict approach. It is easy for me to say, but hard for you to do, I know. As a Muslim husband, he is responsible for providing for you. Hold him to his part of the responsibilites of marriage. I know you have tried to do so, but you need to be firm and continue to try to find ways to help him to understand and be a better man. If Allah can guide him to be a better man through you, Allah will be very pleased. Don't give up!

    Also, I am not an expert on mental health issues. I think the one thing you can do is to find one or more sisters at the majid and share your struggle, share your questions with them. You need support, and Muslim sisters would be a good place to start. Sometimes just sharing your frustrations with someone who has a friendly ear is enough to allow some of the stress to be reduced. They may have ideas you have not considered.

    Also, as mentioned above, consider leaving him. But if you do, please plan your departure in a compassionate manner. Give your husband the opportunity to see the depths of pain he has caused with his actions. He may regret it and resolve to do better.

    Know that Allah is watching you, and approves of your hard work and effort. Continue your struggle. Pray. Allah is with you.

    AmericanMuslim Editor

  6. Sister I have not commented on anyones problems before as I feel very unqualified so if you do not like what I say please pay it no heed.

    It seems your husband is taking you for granted, and your mother is seeming to be very unsupportive of you. I am so sorry you have had to endure what you have. I pray Allah alleviates your worries inshAllah...

    It sounds as if he has some sort of Narcissistic disorder - why don't you read around this.
    Narcissistic people do not change and it is all about image with them - they show people how amazing they are and really the only one who truly sees them for what they are is the spouse who spends the most time with them and even then they can put on a show -

    Sister I am no doctor and it may be that whilst he clearly has some issues, however your husband might not even have this disorder, in truth he seems like many of my cousins and uncles (we originate from the same part of the world as you, and it's like men are treated like they are Gods gift and expect everything to be done for them at times) - some of these men do not lift a finger around the house nor do they contribute to household expenses and expect the woman to somehow balance both house and job. It makes me so angry at times but the only way they change is through education - bring him onto the path of Islam and make him aware of the duties of a husband.

    I would be the last person to tell you to leave him but maybe it might be an idea to have a trial separation - might make him realise how loving and amazing you are and might give you some time to heal from the mind games you seem to be a victim of - absence might make things clearer for you and give you some time to heal alone and to learn to love yourself again.

    Now, from another viewpoint you say that your husband is unappreciative, your mother does not care, no muslims care for you, your counsellor is also shouting at you...

    Sister I am not meaning to be judgemental but it seems to me that you have this mindset no one cares about you - be that as it may there is someone you have failed to mention at all - Allah (swt)
    What if someone is nice to you - do you dismiss this or overlook it - it depends on what you choose to focus on - My mother (whom I love dearly) - if I do 3 good things and 1 silly things you can guarantee it she will focus on what I did wrong - but she does love me, I see it in her eyes, and I see it in the food parcels she sends me, and I see it in the fact she always moaning about my life - she would fight the world for me if she could.
    Your mother too loves you, she may have a different way of showing it, but I don't ever remember my mom telling me she loves me - emotions are not something we talk about in my house - we have them though.. And I know without being told she does. (Sorry I'm just using my example to highlight to you this point that sometimes people care but express it different to how we would like)

    They say that Allah tests those He loves, and He has not put on any soul a burden more than that soul can bear - that you have problems is a testament to your strength inshallah...

    And why not take each day as it comes - if you feel no one appreciates you sister you don't seem to appreciate yourself - If you feel that working for your mom is not appropriate for you then change jobs - working with family can cause problems as I realised when I worked for my uncles a while ago. If your husband is being a pain - set some boundaries of what you will and won't do for him and that way he will stop taking what he can from you...

    It seems so hard to do this, it is easier said than done - I really think you need some 'Allah' time and 'ME' time first and then make a list of what it is your mom and hubby are doing to anger and upset you and then see if you can change this yourself - maybe by being more firm with what you will tolerate and what you will not put up with.
    If your husband has done wrong to you in the past and you are wanting to give it another try you mustn't keep bring up old grudges from the past.

    Forgive me sister if I am wrong here but you even seem to hold a grudge with the fact that you prayed since a young age, fasted, given to charity and it has not done you any good - sister this world is not ideal, and if only it was it is not tit for tat - BUT for any niceness you do a person or animal that goes unreciprocated, Allah sees it.
    For every prayer, charity, fast you keep - Allah sees it.

    You might not see the results sister, but you will in the next world - isn't that what this life is about? Alhamdulilla you are in a better position than me - I have only recently began to pray namaz - I have so many qadha namaz to make up - what if i die without having made up more than 10 years of namaz - it scares me! You are fortunate sister.

    You are but a traveller in this world - this life will be over in the blink of an eye. Your problems are great, but the mercy of Allah is greater still and for every one problem you have there is someone out there with a problem even greater than yours. I know it is so hard to see this when you are surrounded by problems - sister from my experience I have had it really really rough this last year - and the only thing that has kept me floating is the fact with every prayer I make, every sincere tawbah I make, I seem to find peace from deep within.

    And now that I am happy within myself, everyone seems happy for me and with me - you know that saying smile and the world smiles with you, cry and you're alone - Sister life is too short, spend it thanking Allah for the blessings you have.

    Some final words for you -

    Let the days do as they please.
    And be optimistic when destiny decrees.
    Do not despair due to the events of nights past.
    For the events of this world were not meant to last.
    Imam Shafi'i.

    Sorry this is so long 🙂

  7. Salam Sister,

    Just reading your post makes me angry and sick at how you are being treated. First and foremost, you are in the United States of America. If your husband hits you...ever, pick up the phone and dial 911. He will go to jail that is for certain. When he is in jail, he will be scared and most likely won't believe you actually called in the first place! It will give him time to think long and hard about laying his hands on you again. I have called the police on my husband before when he hit our daughter. Scared him to death. To that I say, "good". I am not putting up with a man who hits me or his daughters, it's just wrong on so many levels and besides, I don't have to.

    To be honest, this man doesn't sound like he needed a wife more than he needed a slave. You rub his back right? Try just once asking him to rub yours. Guess what...isn't gonna happen. Stop filling out his paperwork and doing his bloody homework. If he wants it done tell him, "do it yourself". You don't have to be mean or anything at all. You can just say, "I don't want to do it". That is your right. Why help someone who doesn't even have the courtesy to give you the respect you are due! After all, he said it wasn't his responsibility to help you out buying the wedding dress right? Well, that can go both ways. It isn't your responsibility to do his homework, fill out his paperwork or drive him around either!

    Quit letting your husband and his mother walk all over you, you are no one's door mat. You have two amazing little children who need you. Smarten up and take control of your life. People walk on those that allow it. You have allowed it for way to long. Let it all stop today. No need to wish for death my love...just quit kissing the backsides of those who are supposed to love and care for you. Get a backbone and do it now.

    Wishing you love and strength for the life that you are going to change. Have faith in yourself, you can do it.


  8. Thank you so much my sisters! Yes, I did finally stand up for myself. I know in previous posts, I said that my mother was the problem and not my husband, but I was embarrassed to admit that they both treat me like garbage. However, I cried so much in my Isha namaaz, and asked Allah what should I do in this matter? I feel like I have so much potential and I've been wasting my life trying to please my mother (something that is extremely difficult to do because nothing is good enough for her) and my husband (which he takes advantage of...every time I am nice with him, he tries to give me some work to do while he is relaxing on the bed). I told him one time that I wanted to do my Fajr namaaz, then he tried to ask me to go downstairs and get him the phone so that he could call someone. He is always giving me work to do and never letting me relax even for one minute. Always wanting me to help him with his homework and drive him around and always treating me like garbage. I completed his homework for his job, then I happily called him up (trying to be the "ideal" wife), and he didn't even thank me or anything. He started acting mean and disrespectful. I am so sick of this. I finally told my mother and husband, no more being nice! I've been WAY too nice and taken advantage of and now finally I am going to take a stand and go out and get me a job because I do have a bachelor's degree in psychology and I've been wasting my life thinking I needed to stay home and be a housewife. Whatever...I know I can do both. I have Allah on my side, regardless of what the world thinks about me. So, now I am going to stop beating myself up and letting people take advantage of me, and I am going to take a stand and go out there and use the education that I worked so hard to get. Hopefully, when my husband sees how hard working I am, he will stop taking advantage of me and being all scared and take some responsibility in his life. I don't care what the other Muslim sisters said to me that I am being too hard on him. My father came in this country knowing nothing, but he always prayed and worked hard and now he is a business owner. I don't like his stupid excuses that he makes all the time that his education isn't from this country and that they only hire people with education from this country. He seems to doubt the power of Allah despite praying 5 times a day. My father and mother had their education back in their country, but they always prayed and worked hard and that's why they are so successful. Allah can do anything, and if you trust Him with all your heart, you can get anything no matter how bad the economy is or anything else. I believe this with all my heart. So it seems like all the Muslim sisters siding with my husband in previous posts, don't really know the true value of marriage because not taking any financial responsibility for anything and not giving his wife emotional support, is unacceptable on his part. He just wants to work me to death like a slave while he lies down in the bed sleeping then I see him praying 5 times a day and going for jum'ah prayer, all for what? To be weak and useless making excuses why he can't do anything at all and needs me 24/7 for everything? That shows that despite doing all of that, he doesn't trust Allah at all with his own abilities. He speaks so many languages and every American I've come across compliments his English, and here he is still telling me that I need to do everything because he doesn't know anything. Just stupid excuses...he has been in this country for nearly a year now. I know so many foreigners who come here and try to learn everything they can to help support their families. If I had a child and he kept doing all this, we would be out in the street hungry and starving. He is just so useless on so many levels. He has a college education from his country, and he had a high quality job from another country in which he didn't even know the language (which was Arabic) and he managed to learn it and now here he is in America (land of opportunity), and he makes all these excuses despite accomplishing so much in a middle eastern country which is much more difficult to do. I really thought before I married him that he was a hard worker, and now I see how useless he is. All he wants to do is go over to relatives' houses, watch tv, and talk on the phone all the time, leaving me alone doing all his work. He thinks life is an easy ride. He keeps telling me to apply for section 8 because he wants it so easy, but getting section 8 could take a lifetime. This is all a joke....I'm not believing this lie that I have to lower myself to this. I know I am worth so much more. I kept believing all my life that I had to be a housewife to make a husband happy, but looks like that's a complete lie. I know I am worth so much and I am not letting my mom and husband make me think otherwise. I won't any longer kill my life in my mom's business and let my husband walk all over me when they don't even treat me like a human being. Now recently, my sister tried the day before her wedding to set me up by screaming like a lunatic that she needed someone to help her 2 am in the morning, and here I was scared to death and I called the police because I thought someone was killing her. I was worried to death for her and called 911 and then the police come into our house with a gun because they think a killer is in the house, and then she turns around and tries to put me in jail by telling the cops that I locked her in the basement because I have a mental illness the day before her wedding. I know her bum of a husband told her to do all that, or maybe she set me up with her friends because I know all she cares about is what her friends say. Her friends broke up her first marriage because they told her that the husband she was marrying was gay because he was a nurse. She went through with the engagement, the family was really nice and my mom and dad were happily there supporting her, then she listened to her stupid friends and sent back all the gold jewelry her in-laws gave her. Because of listening to her friends, she is now married later in life (she is my older sister and I waited so long for her to get married first but eventually I realized I can't kill my life for her) so I got married before her, and now she is married to a guy who speaks slang English and has a high school diploma living in a low income neighborhood. She killed my mother to death to make a blow out wedding after having turned down the first one, and made her suffer to death financially, but here I am being blamed for being a burden to her. Now, she tried to put me in jail when I was worried for her life, and my mother didn't say anything to her and slapped me in the face for not wanting to go to her wedding. She said that if i didn't go, she would tell all my in-laws against me. So, nothing goes against my sister for what she did? She wants to ruin me when my sister ruined her so many times before with turning down the first marriage in which my father and mother happily attended and then at the last minute running away and sending back all the gold and everything, and now she suffered my mom to death watching one of her stupid friends wedding and copying everything about it, and made her suffer so much financially for it, and I am the burden? Whatever! I am the least burden of the household. I had a scholarship for college, but I lost it because she always treated me like less than her daughter. Always siding with everyone who wronged me, and putting me down whenever she could. Now, my two younger brothers want her to pay for their master's degree, and my dad had to take another loan against the house. Did I do all that? I do want to advance further, but I know that in order to get a master's degree, I am going to do it myself. I can't ask so much of my parents. I feel I have been the most considerate, loving daugher in the world. I valued my parents' opinion, and I even married with their consent much later to consider my sister who turned down her first marriage, and here I am a financial burden. I even got married in my parent's country of origin, in order to be the least financial burden to them, and here my mother is telling me how I killed her life by having a nervous breakdown at 19. Do you want to know why I had the nervous breakdown? Well, it was because nothing I ever did in my life was ever good enough for her. I had to deal with bullying and everything, but whenever I told her, she never did anything about it. She told me to keep silent and I suffered so much while being a straight A student and getting into a good college with a scholarship. I scored extremely well on the SATs and everything. However, I am only human, and with her constantly siding with everyone and putting me down anyway she could and telling me always why all my brothers and sisters hate me and how I ruined the family and how I messed everything, I just couldn't mentally deal with it. Then, while on medication, I kept trying to help her in the family business while she kept telling me constantly how ugly I am and constantly critcizing me all the time, even though I was trying to be a good daughter to her. My father went away back home for business, and now she is left with taking care of the family business, but I tried my best to give her breaks with my husband so that she could rest at home since I know working in a business isn't easy and I even do all the housework and cooking so she doesn't have to do anything when she comes home from business, but she keeps never supporting me when my husband does anything wrong. She never says anything to him when he mistreats me so that he can walk all over me. Now, in front of my husband, she told me that she would call my in-laws and tell them that I wasn't interested to go to my sister's wedding despite her trying to throw me in jail the day before her wedding. If she would have at least said something to my sister and supported me in some way, I would have acted normally at her gaye holud. But no...she started screaming at me and yelling at me and saying that I was messing everything by being upset about what my sister did to me. I couldn't get any sleep all night and I wanted to look nice for my sister's gaye holud and give her my support, despite her always trying to fight with me in the past when i would come back from college to study at home. The police have come to our house so many times for family disputes and I'm very sure everyone in the neighborhood is laughing at us because of all of this. Now, my sister was shouting like a lunatic at 2 am in the morning for all the neighbors to hear to put me in jail the day before, to ruin my reputation because she lived on her own and left the house after running away from her first wedding ceremony while I stayed with my family and tried to learn all the housework and cooking so that I could be the "ideal" wife. Now, she is embarrassed because she dated and worked and didn't follow anything Islamic (going to the beaches in American bathing suits showing off all her body), and was living in a condominium on her own against my father's disapproval, and she saw that I always listened to my parents and tried to help in the family business and learned how to cook and clean and got married before her to a man that was approved with family support, while she went out dating everyone wearing revealing clothing and turing away from Islam. She is so insecure about her looks and tries being friends with these stupid girls who are so superficial because she wishes she looks like them. Instead of being friends with positive, Islamic people, she is friends with people who use her and try to mess up her family life by making her believe that she has to go out and party and live on her own and doing everything against Islam. I couldn't help replaying over and over in my mind how she tried to ruin me by telling the police that I have mental problems and locked her in the basement, when I made the 911 call because I thought someone was threatening her life. Now, I was crying to my mom about what she did, and instead of doing anything she was mad at me. My husband did try to explain to her what happened how I was so concerned for my sister's safety and how she tried to frame me, and instead of listening to me (her daughter), she only thinks something of me if it's from my husband...whatever. I am sick of all this. I went all messed up and upset at my sister's gaye holud and it was obvious that I was upset with her, but of course no one knows about it, so it looked like I was jealous of my sister. Please...I think my problem was was that I let all of this affect me. I lost so much of my hair worrying and overanalyzing and trying to be the perfect 'ideal" daughter, but I know now there is no such thing as that. Now, finally, after all this mistreatment, I am taking a stand. I don't care what anyone tries to say against me or what the world tries to say against me, because I know Allah is on my side and he has endowed me with a brilliant mind and a kind heart. I know if I don't get a job, another door will open for me. I am very positive now. I can deal with the world much better because I am at peace with myself because I know that no matter how badly my family or the world treats me despite all the consideration I have done, Allah will always be on my side. I know that even though the economy is bad, Allah will find a way for me to get a job and make things right. I know I am worth so much because Allah loves me. He knows I have been doing so much good, and now I am silent most of the time and I don't even care what anyone says about me anymore. Everything that everyone does to me, just doesn't affect me anymore. i am now confidently drving and taking action, and even though people will try every way to turn me down, I know with the power of Allah, nothing can stop me. I have a bachelor's degree in psychology (something a lot of people don't have), and for years, I was thinking I was useless because of internalizing everything my mother said to me. I don't care anymore. I think I am a sweet, loving person and that I am very intelligent, but because I cared too much about what my mother said to me, I lost sight of my true potential and lowered myself to an extremely low level. For a while, I was depressed and on medication, but now with the power of Allah, I am starting to think positively about myself and I don't care what people say about me anymore. I know no matter how good I am, I will never get approval from people. It is from Allah that I am working for approval, and that is all that matters in the end. I tried so hard to stand up for myself with my mother and my husband, but I know I can never win with them because they are both so worried about their reputations. They keep turning against me all the time. So instead of talking anymore, I know I have to start doing, and finally I just walked away from the family business because after how I saw my mother didn't care about my welfare, I knew I could never be happy there. Instead, I am praying in my namaaz for Allah to protect her health and hopefully, sell the business after her working there for 30 years. My father is an old man and he is still working so hard because my younger brother wanted a master's degree and he had to take a loan against the house. My other brother also kept asking for money from my dad to pay for his master's degree and he doesn't contribute anything financially to help them now that he has a job. Even though I have some money coming from disability, I still try to use the little money they give me to pay for gas and groceries and do the housework and cook and help in the family business. I even give rides to my aunt (my mother's younger siste) for her son, but she and my mother keep gossiping against me and I bet spreading rumors left and right about me...whatever. I don't need to take any of this any more. By my mother not doing anything about my other siblings bad behavior, she has to find someone to blame for everything, and it looks like it is me because I take everything in. Instead of realizing that her backward thinking is the cause of everything, she has to save her reputation by ruining mine. I don't need this anymore. I don't care what any of the muslim sisters try to say to me. I know I am not wrong in this. I may have said some horrible things to my mother (I lost my mental state by all of this), but I always cried and asked Allah for forgiveness and save my mother. I was even willing to take my mother to see my therapist because I could see that she needed it, but I know it would be a waste of time because she would end up trying to blame me and telling everything against me. Now, she is trying to ruin my marriage by constantly rewarding my husband's bad behavior and believing this lie that she has no say in anything because she is his mother-in-law while he is being so lazy and expecting me to do everything and taking no financial responsibility while he is living in HER house. She even told my husband to leave me and go back to his family because I am not someone worth being with since I was upset and not interested in attending my sister's future husband's gaye holud after what she tried to do to me by telling cops I locked her in the basement due to a mental disorder. I know now I have no mental disorder and that it is only because I was too nice, that I let all this happen to me. I think my family are the ones with the problem, not me. I also think the reason my father is back in his home country is because maybe he couldn't mentally deal with my mother's crazy way of thinking. She just doesn't want to do anything or is afraid to say anything when my brothers and older sister have done so much wrong and keep financially taking advantage of my father, and she expects that my father will treat her with respect? He is nearly 80 years old. He really needs to rest. I never wanted to be a finacial burden to him. i tried to be the least of the burden to my parents. But now everything is against me, but i know I don't want to take it anymore. Unlike my mother who taught me to be quiet and not say anything (all my life I did this and was bullied constantly in school for this), I suffered so much. Well, not anymore. I am starting to be assertive and stand up for myself, and I don't let anyone or anything affect me anymore. I love my mother so much despite all of this, but I won't let this happen anymore. Now, I will be what I was destined to be, a success, and I know with Allah's support, it will happen one way or another. Despite what the world says against me, I know nothing can stop Allah if it is in his plan and with this strong belief in my mind, I will make all my dreams come true. I know Allah is higher than any doctor, police, lawyer, anything, and nothing is going to stop me no matter what.

  9. One more thing, I did go to my sister's wedding and it was very nice and expensive and an extreme financial burden, but instead of respecting my parents' wishes by acting in a respectful manner, she kissed her future husband in front of everyone (with Islamic people watching) while her stupid friends were cheering for her in the background. Then she let her future husband pick her up in front of everyone and started dancing with him to this stupid gangster music with her friends joining along. Before that, she had an Islamic scholar explain the meaning of marriage, and then she disrespects Islam in so many ways by publicly putting a picture of her and her future husband showing every guest that she dated him for so many years before marriage and was intimate with him, even posting pictures of herself with him on facebook doing romantic things with each other together, and then having him kiss her and pick her up and dance with him to ganster music with her friends. She got this stupid idea of a wedding by attending this girl's wedding because she wanted to look like her and even made friends with her so she could copy her wedding and her wedding dress and make her wedding expensive and lavish to match this stupid girl's wedding. She made my mother break the bank and spend so much financially . She has wasted my parents' hard work by getting a master's degree in biology and then marrying a bum who can't speak standard English. know what happened during her wedding? I don't know if this is a sign, but the picture she had framed of her and her future husband dating to copy what one of her friend's did, fell to the ground and the glass frame broke. Nobody broke it, but somehow it fell and broke. I know why my father didn't attend all of this. Because he didn't approve of it! That's why he stayed back home and saved himself from the embarrassment. I'll bet he his feeling he worked so hard all his life because he loved his kids so much all for nothing. Now, my mom is turning around and saying I am ungrateful and being close and loving with my older sister for all of this. She is a HORRIBLE older sister and even though I am younger than her, I feel like I am more mature and a good Islamic example. I have withstood so much peer pressure from friends because I knew that they just always try to mess up families. I think they played this idea in her head so that they could kill my parents. Now, they saw I wouldn't give into to their stupid peer pressure, and now they probably played ideas into her head and tried to make her throw me in jail by having her pretend that someone was killing her at 2 am in the morning and screaming my name so that she could lock me in jail when the police came and tell them that I have a mental disorder. She is even friends with our neighbors, who I know probably don't like us because they're racist and want to ruin our family's reputation because they know she's all about friends and not family. That's what happens when you get your own place and move away from your parents before marriage as a woman because stupid friends will play with your mind and try to make you stray far from Islam. However, I was wise enough to know that, and my mom looks at me like I killed her life by having a nervous breakdown trying to deal with all of this. Well, now I am stronger, and I don't care about anything anymore and nothing affects me now. I dress in Islamic clothes and I am maintaining my 5 daily prayers thinking so deeply about Islam and Allah's wishes, and now nothing affects me anymore. I am stronger now, and I'm a better person, and now I realize I was responsible for internalizing the negativity, but I don't beat myself up about it because I know that it isn't easy dealing with all of this. Even the most strongest person can break, and Allah will always test us throughout our lives even when we try to do good because getting to Jannnat isn't easy. We have to prove our worth to Allah by obeying his wishes. He is always forgiving and merciful, and even though I fell through the cracks, I am now an even more compassionate and better person because of the difficult experience I went through. I know money and social status don't mean a thing to Allah. It is your heart that Allah wants most from you, and I know with this in mind, I will be very successful in my life, inshallah. I think this whole experience of my older sister framing me, was Allah's way of saying that the only way I can live a better life is to learn to forgive those who wronged me instead of holding onto it and ruining my life. In my heart I do forgive my older sister and those who bullied me in the past, but I know I have really lost trust in my sister, and I just want to avoid her because of the kind of person she is. She is only about the friends and nothing else. I refuse to get affected by anything anymore. I could care less if anyone tries to put me down, because I know that even if the world turns against me, Allah never will. That's all I need to know, and I wasted so many years with these useless therapists only taking advantage of me because of my weakness, because I didn't realize this simple fact. Now, I can cope with everything better. I sleep better at night and I am taking better care of myself because I turned to Allah. That is why I am better and that is why I will win.

  10. However, my biggest fault is being so judgemental of others and holding onto things from the past. I have already forgiven everyone who has hurt me, and I will be patient with my husband despite how badly he treats me. I think it's best to stay quiet and just keep praying and believing. Inshallah, by not backbiting and remembering faults of others constantly, I will gain my ground and make my life better.

  11. I see that by criticizing my sister's husband, I am suffering in my marriage life. Better to focus on people's good points, and overlook their bad ones. Backbiting of others is never good, because when you keep criticizing other people, it will affect your life as well, which I am seeing now in my life experience. I need to just keep quiet and focus on people's good points. Inshallah, I will get ahead with that kind of mentality in my life, and hopefully, in my marriage life, inshallah.

  12. Well, hopefully, he will change. I think he is just very negative, and I was like that for a long time too due to internalizing negativity from my mother and others. I keep praying for him to be stronger and more confident, but I see he lacks that a lot. He is always scared and making excuses. He says to me that I have to do everything for him, even manage money which I think is so ridiculous. He needs to learn these things himself. I would be happy to help him, but he needs to learn not just let me do everything and sit back watching tv and sleeping. He can't keep doing this. If every other foreigner can manage their life in this country, so can he. He needs to realize his true potential (which I see a lot of), and confidently take a stand and face the world. I know it's not easy, but I will try my best to be patient with him. Inshallah, he will be better and better. I truly believe in the power of Allah, and I know things will be better.

  13. I read the above made me cry because it seems like my story, the worst thing is doing everything for my husband and in the end when he gets angry I would rather he hit me or swear at me but instead he keeps saying that he doesn't care if I sleep with other guys. I just don't understand why he keeps saying this. Its so hard when he is at home I really love crying when he leaves the house. I have not told my parents whats going on they think everything is fine, but nothing is he uses me, sleeps with me whenever he wants, tells me to ring write letters to companies in relation to his shop which he has bought when I think everything is going fine then he comes up with a unbearable remark, which throws me back. I am glad I don't have a daughter because my belief is that this man could say the same thing to his daughter in anger. I've done everything for my husband bought him to this country (uk), helped him pass his knowledge test, driving test, taxi test, helped him get indefinite leave, helped him get a British nationality, I cook for him, look after his kids, clean the house. I believe or I think I am a good wife, but I don't understand where I go wrong.

    • So now its 2018. How are things now? with you and islamicgirl28? What did you do? anything improved? If you could update us for the benefit of other women sufferring the same now.

      • Things have improved. I love my husband. He is a good person and taking care of me. I don't care about intimacy. I just need him. May Allah forgive me for the stupid things I wrote against him. Calling him a loser was from shaytan and feminism. I was influenced from American dysfunctional family. Please Allah forgive me

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