Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I don’t feel comfortable living here – what should I do?

multi tasking woman

She does all the work in a Joint Family

Asaalmu alaykum,

I am married with 2 children. I am a convert, I love my husband but I'm not happy living with his family. We haven't always lived with his family - we lived on our own for a few years and for the past 3 years we've been living at his mom's. He said it's not going to be for long - just until we get a place of our own but he has a house of his own and no one lives there! He used to live there with his ex wife and children, but he made a promise to her that he would never let me live in that house, so we live with his mom, his brothers and nephews.

I have to wear hijab all day from as soon as I wake up until I go sleep. Me, my husband and our 2 kids share 1 room, and my mother in law don't do anything so I make all the food and do all the cleaning and look after my kids and my husband. His 2 kids from his past marriage come over in holiday and weekends and I look after them too. His kids don't like me. I try my best with them but they just don't like me and upset me at times. They're jealous of my kids and when they see their dad talking to me they go in a mood or just make an excuse so he doesn't have to talk to me.

I feel like I don't fit in here. I don't like it here and my husband knows. When we fall out because I'm tired because I've been running round after everyone I say that I don't want to live here. He has said a few times to me "Get your own place then but I'm not moving from here".

I'm confused and I need some advice please


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4 Responses »

  1. He is being a jerk and you need to stand up for yourself. Talk to him because this isnt fair for you. You dont need to take care of the whole house by yourself if you dont want to. Dont become a doormat. Your husband needs to get a separate accomodation for you and its your right. Talk to a local imam and have them explain to your husband that things arents working the way they are. If you have family or someone go stay with them for a while till your husband starts taking you seriously.

  2. Assalam alaikum,

    You have the following options:

    1. Be patient and continue living the way that you are and know that you will be rewarded for whatever you do out of mercy and love for his family while knowing that it isn't your responsibility. If you expect him to appreciate and say that to you, is a different matter altogether. But know that Allah is aware of everything.

    Al-Quran [2:26]
    Indeed, Allah is not timid to present an example - that of a mosquito or what is smaller than it. And those who have believed know that it is the truth from their Lord. But as for those who disbelieve, they say, "What did Allah intend by this as an example?" He misleads many thereby and guides many thereby. And He misleads not except the defiantly disobedient,

    2. Continue living where you are, but limit your work to yours alone or to whatever you can bear and set limits and boundaries that are within your right to do and to what you can handle. You may and most likely will get backlash for this, but you have to decide what is worse--listening to the negative criticism and doing as you please OR doing what others want and still listening to criticism.

    3. Talk to your husband more about how uncomfortable you are. You said that he said these living arrangements are temporary--so ask him for a timeline that is reasonable. If he doesn't fall through, you can move out if you are able, but with this choice will come many many challenges and even some consequences that may end your marriage. So you have to be diligent and careful and assess your relationship with your husband--is it what you think it really is? Is it what you want?

    I do think it is odd for your husband to keep an empty property as a promise to his first ex-wife. It says that he has feelings for her....or it says he is a man of his words. But if he was a man of his word, why are you living the way that you are when he says it will be temporary.

    It is great that you love your husband and may Allah increase the love between the both of you. But please remember that when we love our spouses, it should be a healthy love that doesn't take them to a Godly-status and it shouldn't hurt us either. I think it is unreasonable, if it isn't necessary, for parents to share a room with their own children--at some point, this is going to creat problems if it hasn't already.

    Lastly, make a list of things that make your marriage great and a list of things that make it difficult and try to find a middle ground with your husband--like is it possible to move into a bigger house with more rooms? See a Muslim counsellor if possible...don't give up.

    May Allah ease your problems, Ameen.

    • Patience also has limits. And Allah never said to suffer and be in patience until u go mad. Everyone has a right to live WID respect and peace. Please don't advice anyone to suffer and have patience.

  3. asalamu alaikum,

    after reading i can understand your point. i don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable. if i had to stay with my in-laws for 3years, make it 3 days and i would also feel the same.

    explain to your husband 4 people in a room is too cramped, tell him your children are growing soon enough they will need their own space.

    you made food, did house chores for few days out of kindness and now they expect you to do it everyday as tho its the norm. from a housewife now you turned into an housemaid.

    so many family's are looking for a house with no luck, then you have someone who house a house but doesn't want to live there. the way some people's mind work is beyond belief.

    here you have a house were you could build a happy home.
    who in the right mind would make a foolish promise like that? too far fetch for me to understand.

    is your husband's nephews mother living in that house too? if so ask her to help around.

    ask your husband you want to visit your parents for the week. a little breather will do you good, also in that time someone else will have to do the chores and once you return just limit yourself in doing the chores etc. explain to your husband the burden in feeding, cleaning everyone's mess is taking a toll on me.


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