Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I don’t find her attractive

wife unhappy husband

I'm just not physically attracted to her. What should I do?

Assalamu alaikum

Prior to having nikah I asked my wife if she could show me a photo of her without hijab. This she did. And in all honesty she looked attractive.

On the day of the nikah I then got to see what she looked like and in all honesty it was nothing like the photos. When I put this to her she told me the photo was 1.5 years old. Ever since the nikah i have been thinking why she would deceive me this way. I've not had a conversation with her about his (it's been three months since nikah)

I don't really find her attractive in all honesty - I have tried to put looks to one side and concentrate on her qualities  (salah, reads Qu'ran ) but even then it's difficult.

Deep down I know that divorce should really be the last resort but can anyone in light of what I have disclosed advise me?

I'd like to add that I am not in love with her.

Muslim_m4le


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35 Responses »

  1. Assalamualaikum Muslim_m4le,

    First of all, it is very courageous for you to come out and be honest with your views/thoughts. Let's just start by saying that you liked some qualities in her to marry her and IF she was attractive in pictures before, perhaps you can revive that picture. What I mean is that if she had long hair 1.5 years ago and now it is super short or what not, ask her to grow back her hair to get her groove on again. If it is her looks overall that you are unhappy with, then you need to ask yourself can you sacrifice your whole life being married to someone that you find displeasing? Astagferullah, I do not mean to put it that way, as Allah (swt) created all of us and we are ALL attractive in our own ways. Perhaps you do not find her attractive but someone else does? Anyhow, look into your heart and after evaluating all of her character, then you need to decide.

    A reminder dear brother, we will "never" stay the same. And as the years go by, we will change, grow old, our personalities will change to some degree, etc. Expect some changes but if you cannot stand her right now and respect her for who she is then perhaps consult with an Imam and then free her. She does not deserve to be in a relationship where her husband finds her appalling or vice versa. Allah (swt) and HIS messengers (peace be upon all of them) advised us to chose someone that has the qualities that are good for us. Deen should be number one and the rest is permissible for you like beauty, wealth, and status. But remember if she has deen, she should be your queen. Well hopefully! 🙂

    Secondly brother, if you do not love her right now ... it's okay! If you met her Islamically and got married the sunnah way, then it will all take some time. You mentioned that it is only 3 months into marriage. What I mean is that true love comes with time. If you want to be obsessed with her like in a fairy tale or want to be riding a magical carpet ... then brother, you need to romance her, create a flame, spice up your marriage, etc. Some couples will say that they are in love but it is more infatuation at first because true love comes with time. Inshallah, if you decide to stay with her and give her a chance then Allah will bless you and love with come with life experiences and how you appreciate and survive certain situations. Inshallah, ya raab!

    I hope and pray that whatever you decide that it is better for the both of you and may Allah always shower HIS beautiful blessings onto you and your family.

    By the way, some sisters look better without hijaab and some look much better with it on. Looks can be a bit deceiving but aim to love her for who she is and try to overlook some things if you can.

    I knew a brother in the community that wasn't blessed with the most beautiful looks but girls found him to be very attractive. Not because of his physical appearance but because he treated people well; he recited Qura'an like an angel; and he had a heart made out of gold. Allah blessed him with this light (noor) on his face, when most people would look at him and say that he is unattractive but (Allahu-akbaar) his personality shined so bright. Hope that example helps you decide what you need to do.

    And sorry to say this dear brother but what if your wife doesn't find you attractive and never tells you? And what if she feels the same that you are not as she expected you to be when you lay in bed with her? Should she leave you or give you a chance to prove yourself? Please re-evaluate the situation and then decide. My dua'as are with you! Inshallah

    W'salaam,

    Sister-in-a-hood

  2. Beauty is skin deep and there is not that much wrong in sending you photo which were little old.
    We all do it,i remember for my marriage profile i used the same photo for 2 yrs. ( i am Male)

    She is your wife and she should get all the respect and attention as this is your responsibility.

    We all grow old and even you marry the most beautiful women of the world , she will lose her beauty after some time.

    As you mentioned that she is religious and you should also follow true Islam and you will find many more qualities in her than beauty alone.
    She would be good teacher for your children and take good care of you,

    May allah have blessings on your married life.

    • Daylight: Beauty is skin deep and there is not that much wrong in sending you photo which were little old.We all do it,i remember for my marriage profile i used the same photo for 2 yrs. ( i am Male)
      We all grow old and even you marry the most beautiful women of the world , she will lose her beauty after some time.

      If beauty is skin deep, why do you have a picture in your profile? Do you prefer to communicate with girls who look pretty in their profile picture?

  3. salam.Wow.My friendlets look into the depth....When i was young i didnt know Islam my mom was just learning who was born as a catholic . So i was a young stud seen most of the world and broke many hearts.I was a model at one time with atheletic build. When i turned my life around sometime in my middle twenties i realize all the answers to my problems .Yes Allah opened my eyes.Now i wanted to get married. I was looking for a pious wife because of all the benefits......to a long successful relationship!!!You see i been with all those girls and they all have the same bodys and thats it. My friend physical attraction is temporary after a while you get bored.You see life is not about sex and mainstream media promotes this...In islam we look for piety first. Sleeping with wife is only to bring pious children in this world until a time will come that your generation will be prepared against the DAJJAL so understand this.Anyways after 5 years i came across a scholor who wore full nikab and so i asked her mom if she would be interested in marriage and we can arrange to meet....Mind you this was a test for her because she just got back from England from 7 yrs Alima program and doesnt know much about cooking and is only 20.I was 30!So we met at her moms house and she removed her veil.The beauty is in the eyes of a true believer.......and so after a few visits and questions we had prepared we decided to get married.11yrs has gone by are love has grown she reminds of salah at mosque shes organized and takes care of me because she really loves me.Do you know why because she was pure and never did any haram that would scar her.All that girls who display there sexy so called bodys will get old and ugly oneday and a terrible punishment is waiting soo dont be decieved by shaitans whispering into a weak heart...Goooo and spend 4months in tabligh jamaat and when you will comeback you will love everyone for the sake of Allah.

    • Raul: You see i been with all those girls and they all have the same bodys and thats it. My friend physical attraction is temporary after a while you get bored....... So i was a young stud seen most of the world and broke many hearts.I was a model at one time with athletic build. When i turned my life around sometime in my middle twenties i realize all the answers to my problems .Yes Allah opened my eyes.Now i wanted to get married. I was looking for a pious wife because of all the benefits......to a long successful relationship!!!

      Even a man like Raul who slept with many girls before he found out physical attraction is temporary and one gets bored.......wanted a pious woman when he wanted to get married. Who will marry all those women who are used by men like raul who get bored after a while. These women and raul committed the same sin.

  4. intermission ....See in islam we should see the person personally and ask her some questions before you get nikkah.There is no such thing as arranged marriage in Islam.People have followed culture and some old habits.For myself im european lisbon and shes gujarati Indian. This what makes the world a happier place. And having sex is not going to make you a better person .The satisfaction of hornyness for that short time was temporarly until oneday your pecker will shrival up.???My moulana would say not too much or you lose the noor on your face.How true.

  5. Dear Brother: Hope you are doing well. I am going to give you a very harsh advice, but this worldly life turns out to be very harsh sometimes. I can relate with you, because I myself have went through a similar experience like you: got married by looking at a picture, then found my spouse unattractive, and then divorced her four months after marriage. My advice is short and straight: Divorce her. That you have not found your wife attractive right after marriage, you will never going to find her attractive ever. This a fact of life and this is a physical law that Allah has bound men with. There is no shame in admitting it. This does not mean that your current wife is attractive. She is a beautiful woman, but beauty is relative unfortunately and it lies in the eye of holder. Plain and simple. I have read many articles, written both by religious scholars and renowned psychologists, and majority of them have concluded that if there is no attraction from the very beginning, attraction never grows and the situation only exacerbates with time. In your heart deep down, you know the answer. You know very well that you will not be able to love your wife like a wife deserves to be loved. You know in your heart that even if your wife has million other qualities, it will not bring any change in your heart. Still you have come to this website and asked this question. Because you just need support and reassurance to make the decision of divorce, which is very UNPLEASANT. It will leave a very UNPLEASANT taste in your life, in your wife’s life, and in the lives of everyone involved. After divorce you will go through feelings of loss, anger, desperation, and so on. But now that you are in this dilemma, you have no other option but divorce. And it is the mercy of Allah that He has permitted divorce. So, give your wife a generous gift and let her go with honor and kindness, before it is too late (ie children etc). As for me, from the wedding night I knew I was not attracted to my wife, and thus I did not even consummate the marriage in four months. Are men being shallow? May be we are. But know that it is better to be known as shallow than to live a fake marital life where you will not be a genuinely loving husband. And remember that it was your mistake (like it was my mistake) to marry a girl without seeing her. Men cannot not rise above physical beauty. At least physical attractition is VERY IMPORTANT during the formative years of marriage. That is why the even the companions and the prophets of Allah married after looking. So my dear brother, whatever happened has happened. Give your wife a gift, let her go, emerge yourself in self-improvement, and make sure you do not remarry another girl unless you are sure in your heart about her physical beauty and appearance. May Allah make it easy for you.

    • How would you feel if a girl rejected you for being unattractive? How do you think you would feel if you had a daughter and someone else found her unattractive?
      It's a shame an utter shame to see guys look at a girls outer beauty than the inner beauty.....

      For all you know your wife could be amazing in giving pleasure during sex * if that's what you are looking at*

      But I'm ashamed of you for telling your wife is unattractive.....

    • @A Brother You may have divorced your wife BUT that doesn’t mean you can advise this brother to do the same. The way I see it YOU did wrong to your wife. Allah hates divorce and to divorce someone just because they weren’t attractive is so UNFAIR to the other person.

      You people all have a choice to see your partner before marriage even face to face STOP playing with people’s emotions we have hopes dreams, don’t commit into marriage save the heartache before marriage and be honest this is the problems we are facing this is a shame. DO not play with people’s emotions or hurt another JUST because beauty is everything to you. YOU don’t even realised you was BLESSED to even be MARRIED even with a good man or a woman is hard to find. People are using the DIVORCE CARD has a joke people should be ashamed marriage is not a joke people have emotions and feelings.

    • OP: As for me, from the wedding night I knew I was not attracted to my wife, and thus I did not even consummate the marriage in four months.

      So before the wedding night you could not figure out if you liked her or not.

    • I agree with you physical attraction is very important.

  6. Dear Brother

    It is in the man nature to look for a pretty wife to have a perfect satisfying sex experience, since sex drive is tied with mental imagery of life partner. That is why woman spend a lot on make-up and cosmetics and man focus on athletics.

    Everyone has a standard of beauty. You have a wife that by chance is not good looking according to your standards and there is one vital factor involved i.e. her aging. So naturally your sex drive is low but you can improve your martial relation if her personality is motivation.

    You need to amplify your sex drive by doing games, visit gym and reduce stress related to job. Insha' Allah
    your wife's personality qualities and your improve sexual drive will bind you together in an everlasting relationship if Allah wills.

    • The way I see it men have different needs to women once a woman is DIVORCED its harder for her to even be accepted into society people never forget a divorce woman whereas for a man its ok because girls families are desperate to marry her off regardless one being a divorcee man or not. This is FACT not meaning to discriminate but MEN who look at women being attractive or not need to think twice before marrying them. Save the heartache for the women before marrying her and people do you realise looks fade as we all get older. I think you need to look at the deen character, inner qualities unfortunately I am seeing this isn’t the case anymore.

      • Dear Sister

        I agree with your concerns to man nature but consider the role society plays in forming that character.

        Nowadays, families of woman do not look for the inner qualities of male in marriage. They tend to focus on his financial and racial status and the poor girl just nods on to parent demands because of unnecessary fear and shyness. This forces the man to spend all of his energy and age in building his status. As he grows older in the process, his sex drive diminishes and he needs higher stimulus like beauty and fitness of his wife for a proper sex experience.

        If the families prefer a man with best of character and a normal mediocre job at young age, he should have no problem in satisfying a woman with ordinary look because of high sex drive at that age. But this is unfortunately not the case of our society that claims to be islamic yet follows the standard of non-muslims in celebrating the marriage and choice of husband.

        • Is marriage only about sex? Seriously?

          The society? We are the society..... most families don't allow their daughter to study because they have to follow the tradition of " stay in the kitchen n cook"
          Girls aren't given the same rights as men in the Muslim society.....
          And what sex drive are you talking about? Girls get married at 20 21 etc.....
          Girls also have the urge to have sex good sex not only guys ....

          Young girls as young as 20 are getting married to guys as old as 30 who's problem it is?
          The guy should say no right?

          The society looks for a high standard guy as their daughters study only till 10th or 12th most of them don't even go to college.......

          • Dear Key

            What i mean is that one should not delay in marriage of their daughter and sons as woman natural beauty declines naturally with age and male expectancy of woman's beauty and sensibility rises with age.

            I believe that any couple formed with age 30(male)/25(female) is the most ideal one as no one at this age-level will be over demanding.

            Marriage is indeed all about sex in the start. Then after a long time this drive gets slowed down naturally letting the spiritual element of care to flourish. The institution of marriage is founded on sex drive along with the faithfulness of couple involved.

            The brother in this post needs to increase his sex drive by indulging in sports and avoid stress so that he no longer needs the attractive face to get excited.

          • NO
            The foundation of marriage is to start a new life with your partner.... to have a baby to give it life......
            Sex and all is there but not the foundation..... sex can be had with a prostitute as Well

          • KEYIT: Is marriage only about sex? Seriously?

            Let us assume, a guy gets married and he has problem getting an erection and he concludes his wife is the problem for this ...........the reason being she is unattractive. His problem could be due to any thing else.

            What do think should happen? Should the girl spend her whole life without sex or divorce will be a better alternative?

          • So it is his fault he did not tell the girl he doesn't get a erection or a ED.... consult a doctor.... better than a divorce right?

  7. For those who are downplaying the role of physical attraction in marriage or glossing over it saying we all grow old: The concept of physical attraction is very easy to understand, if you try to understand. It is said that beauty is in the eye of beholder. A girl may be a Miss World, but that will not mean that I will be automatically attracted to her. Attraction is a complicated science. To be honest, there is no science that can actually explain attraction. However, if you are attracted physically to someone, you know that you are attracted. If you are not attracted, you also know that you are not attracted. Also, if you are truly attracted to someone, you will feel excited when you will see that person. You will always anticipate to see that person. And when you will see that person, you will feel something in your heart and in your stomach. They call it heart beating fast and feeling butterflies in the stomach. Do not dismiss these feelings as feelings of Hollywood movies. These feelings are not feelings of Hollywood movies. These are real feelings. I know couples who feel attracted to each other experience these feelings. When there is no physical attraction in a marriage, spouses do not feel those feelings. As for my case, it never happened with me that I could not wait to go home and see my wife. I did not feel any butterfly in my stomach. I did not feel love resonating my heart. You cannot force the feeling of love. I will tell you guys a little bit more about my marriage story: On the surface level, the marriage appeared to be good. My wife and I got along well. We talked, ate together, went out together, and did many other activities together. We had our minor life style differences, which both of us were working to adjust in order that we could synchronize our lives. Although the marriage appeared to be perfect outside, there was a big piece missing in it. I have not felt physical attraction towards my wife. I liked her, I spent time with her, and I also probably had some form of love for her. However, my love did not qualify as the special form of love that exists between a husband and a wife, which brings them to marital intimacy. That is why I had to force intimacy, which is not very pleasant. To be honest, although it may sound strange, the attraction issue surfaced in my mind soon after the marriage (within the first week), and naturally I was in denial of it. I tried to block it and tried to act normal. However, no matter how hard I had tried, I could not erase this thought from the back of my mind, and in the four months I was married, there was hardly a moment when the thought did not nag me. It was there constantly. I tried to overcome it by denial, by doing activities together, by doing acts of worship and prayers, by performing two umrahs, but at the end, I could not overcome the matter of attraction. I always felt that something was missing in this relationship, and soon after I discovered this attraction issue, the soul of this relationship died. During my married months, psychologically I felt severely constricted because of my failure to fulfill my wife’s intangible needs, because of faking my feelings, and because of not feeling the pride and protective jealousy a husband is supposed to feel for his wife. Sometimes the feeling used to reach a point where I would feel I might have a nervous breakdown. The issue had impacted my work life, my ibadah, and my overall life quality. I was on the brink of nervous breakdown quite a few times at work. That is why for those who are advising this brother to stick to this marriage should think twice: Is it fair for the brother? Is it fair for the girl to spend her life with someone who is not excited about her or who is not feeling physical attraction to her? If you had a daughter, would you ever want your daughter to live life with someone who cannot reciprocate her genuine love? Do you not think that a girl deserves someone who will genuinely appreciate her every aspect? For those who naively believe that physical attraction grows with time, know that research showed otherwise. Physical attraction is something that does not grow over time. It is either there or it is not there. There is no in between and there is no gradual build up. I have posted below a link from Phycology Today, a renowned psychology website, where a marriage counselor with more than 30 years of experience said physical attraction never grows with time in a marriage. Please click on the link below to read the article. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ blog/magnetic-partners/201311/ the-role-physical-attraction-in-your- relationship And read the story below how a man broke down psychologically in marriage for he was not physically attracted to his wife. http://www.onislam.net/english/ ask-the-counselor/marital- obstacles/482881-my-husband- doesnt-want-to-be-with-me.html I personally believe that the girl mentioned in the post (as well as my former wife) deserves someone much better. She is a young lady and she has her whole life in front of her. Yes, she will have the tag of ‘divorcee’, but so what? If you have that tawakkul upon Allah, and if you truly believe that Allah is the best of all providers, and also if you believe that nothing is impossible for Allah, then don’t you think that Allah can provide for a divorced lady with a much better husband? Because for those who truly fear Allah, Allah provides for them from a source they cannot imagine.

    • To A Brother,
      Your saying that a girl deserves to be with someone who truly loves her and can make her happy. I agree. Then why mess up her life. Before getting married you should have spent more time with the girl to see if you are attracted to her inside and outside. Were you pressured to get married? It's not so fair to the girl. Guys have it way easy no matter what tag they carry- divorced, baggage, etc.

  8. I will provide two examples from the life of the Messenger of Allah (S), where he (S) did not force people to continue marriage in the absence of physical attraction. Example 1 During his time (S), there was two young slaves. The name of the female slave was Bareerah. The name of the male slave was Mugeeth. Both Bareerah and Mugheeth were married. Mugheeth was in deep love with Bareerah, but Bareerah did not like Mugheeth at all. Bareerah was the slave girl of Aisha (R). One day Aisha (R) decided to free Bareerah and she freed her. In Islam, a free woman has the choice of remaining married to slave or dissolve the marriage. Since Bareerah did not like Mughith, she dissolved the marriage after she got freed. After that, Mugheeth used to beg Bareerah everywhere. He would cry at the feet of Bareerah even on the streets of Madinah to marry him. Mugheeth would cry and say, “O Bareerah! Look at me and talk to me.” One day the Messenger of Allah (S) happened to pass by the streets of Madinah with his uncle Abbas (R) and saw Mugheeth crying at the feet of Bareerah. Seeing the distress of Mugheeth, the Messenger of Allah (S) approached Bareerah and asked her, “O Bareerah! Why do you not marry this young man?” Bareerah asked, “O the Messenger of Allah ! Are you commanding me or are you just interceding?” The Prophet of Allah (S), “I am only interceding.” Bareerah replied, “If that is the case, then I have no need of him.” The Messenger of Allah (S) then thought for a while about the affairs of heart and remarked to his uncle, “O Abbas! Isn’t it amazing how much Mugheeth loves Bareerah and how much Bareerah dislikes Mugheeth!” Example 2 Al-Bukhari narrated from Ibn Abbas that the wife of Thabit ibn Qays (R) came to the Messenger of Allah (S) said, “O Messenger of Allah! I do not blame Thabit for any defect in his character or in his religion, but I do not want to commit an act of kufr (being an ungrateful wife and someone who does not fulfill the rights of husband) after becoming Muslim.” The Prophet of Allah (S) said, “Will you give back his garden?” Because Thabit had given her a garden as her mahr. She said, “Yes.” The Prophet of Allah (S) said to Thabit, “Take back your garden and give her divorce.” According to the same hadith narrated by Ibn Majah, the woman said, “I cannot stand him” [the hadith classed as Saheeh by Albaani] *** Look at the wisdom of the Messenger of Allah (S). Whenever it came to the matters of heart, he never forced. In both of these incidents, he (S) never said once, “Ok, put your trust on Allah and try a few more months.” Because the Messenger of Allah (S) knew that when it comes to matters of hearts, forcing does not work. It just does not. The Messenger of Allah (S) said in another hadeeth reported by Abdullah bin Amr, “Verily, the hearts of all the children of Adam, all of them, are between the two fingers of the Most Merciful, and He directs them as he wills.” This is even confirmed in the Quran where Allah mentioned clearly that Allah comes between a person and his heart. *** If the Messenger of Allah (R) NEVER forced something upon someone’s heart, how can we think that forcing this brother to continue this marriage will work out in the future? Also it has become a trend now a days to downplay the role of beauty and physical attraction during our times, as if they are not important. But they are VERY important and both parties, especially the parents should ensure that their son- daughter are physically satisfied alongside other compatibility issues.

  9. Aside from the two examples mentioned above, I will cite other examples from the hadeeth of the Messenger of Allah (S), which emphasize the role of physical beauty: From Jaabir ibn ‘Abd-Allaah: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘If one of you proposes marriage to a woman, if he can look at her to see that which will encourage him to go ahead and marry her, then let him do so.’ I proposed marriage to a young woman, and I used to hide where I could see her, until I saw that which encouraged me to go ahead and marry her, so I did so.’” According to another report he said, ‘a young woman of Bani Salamah. I used to hide from her, until I saw that which encouraged me to go ahead and marry her, so I did so.” (Saheeh Abi Dawood, no. 1832, 1834) In this example, the Messenger of Allah (S) approved Jaabir of his looking at this woman in her normal dress until he felt sure that this was the lady he wanted to marry. From Abu Hurayrah: “I was with the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) when a man came and told him that he had married a woman of the Ansaar. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to him, ‘Have you seen her?’ He said, ‘No.’ He said, ‘Go and look at her, for there is something in the eyes of the Ansaar.” (Reported by Muslim, no. 1424; and by al- Daaraqutni, 3/253 (34)) Notice that in this example, the Messenger of Allah (S) did not say, “How is her deen?” Rather the first thing he (S) asked was, “Have you seen her?” From al-Mugheerah ibn Shu’bah: “I proposed marriage to a woman, and the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘Have you seen her?’ I said, ‘No.’ He said, ‘Look at her, because it is more fitting that love and compatibility be established between you.’” According to another report: “So he did that, and he married her and mentioned that they got along.” (Reported by al- Daaraqutni, 3/252 (31, 32); Ibn Maajah, 1/574) In this example, the Messenger of Allah (S) clearly mentions that love initially is created based on looks. From Sahl ibn Sa’d (may Allaah be pleased with him): “A woman came to the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said: “O Messenger of Allaah, I have come to give myself to you (in marriage).” The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) looked at her closely, then he lowered his head. When the woman saw that he had not made a decision about her, she sat down. One of his Companions stood up and said, O Messenger of Allaah, if you do not want her, then marry her to me…’” (Reported by al- Bukhaari, 7/19; Muslim, 4/143; al-Nisaa’i, 6/113 bi Sharh al- Suyooti; al- Bayhaqi, 7/84) And in this example, the Messenger of Allah (S) himself first looked at her and then declined her because he (S) did not feel attraction to her. With all these examples, it is therefore downright foolish how parents and women now a days deny the role of physical attraction, when the guidance of the Messenger of Allah (S) says otherwise. It is common sense. Initially the two people do not know each other. What will bring them together is beauty/physical attraction. However, with age as beauty starts to fade a little, then other qualities will kick in, and keep the marriage intact. Also I do not believe this blanket statement that beauty fades with time. It does not. I have seen many women who are very beautiful up until their late 50s. As for the brother, there cannot be any argument that he made a mistake in his life. It is a grave mistake. We men simply cannot marry someone’s precious daughter and say after a couple of months that we are not attracted. This is plain insulting and unpleasant for all. And trust me, no sincere man marries to get separated after a few months. Divorce is not easy also for men. However, no matter how much we plan, sometimes life does not turn out as we plan it to be. As much as we dislike it, this is what has happened with me and the brother of this post. I would like to mention in this regard that while we are at fault for marrying just by looking at pictures, the parents of daughters are also at fault majority of times. In my culture, asking to see a girl before marriage is like crossing a mountain. First the parents will talk. The boys parents will have to give the girl a gift (usually money) and also bring a lot of sweets to their house. Then the father of the girl will speak with the boy. Only if everything is OK, they might agree to show a picture or two. After picture, then might come seeing in real life, if you are lucky. My question is: why waste all these times? Let them see each other from the very beginning and then proceed to check with other compatibility issues. But of course, when we ask to see, the girl’s parents act as if they are seeing the shallowest person in this world and treat us as if we are asking to commit a crime. And finally, it is as difficult for divorced Muslim men to get married as it is for divorced Muslimahs. This notion that parents will just flock to bring their unwed daughter for a divorced man is just a myth. I am in this field and I know it. But of course, we men do not portray us as victims like women do, and we rather prefer to take it in on the chin, put our trust in Allah, and move on with life.

  10. I had written a very long comment, and posted in three parts through my cell phone. I see that part 2 and part 3 have been published above whereas part 1 is missing. Here is part 1:

    For those who are downplaying the role of physical attraction in marriage or glossing over it saying we all grow old:

    The concept of physical attraction is very easy to understand, if you try to understand. It is said that beauty is in the eye of beholder. A girl may be a Miss World, but that will not mean that I will be automatically attracted to her.

    Attraction is a complicated science. To be honest, there is no science that can actually explain attraction. However, if you are attracted physically to someone, you know that you are attracted. If you are not attracted, you also know that you are not attracted.

    Also, if you are truly attracted to someone, you will feel excited when you will see that person. You will always anticipate to see that person. And when you will see that person, you will feel something in your heart and in your stomach. They call it heart beating fast and feeling butterflies in the stomach.

    Do not dismiss these feelings as feelings of Hollywood movies. These feelings are not feelings of Hollywood movies. These are real feelings. I know couples who feel attracted to each other experience these feelings.

    When there is no physical attraction in a marriage, spouses do not feel those feelings. As for my case, it never happened with me that I could not wait to go home and see my wife. I did not feel any butterfly in my stomach. I did not feel love resonating my heart. You cannot force the feeling of love.

    I will tell you guys a little bit more about my marriage story: On the surface level, the marriage appeared to be good. My wife and I got along well. We talked, ate together, went out together, and did many other activities together. We had our minor life style differences, which both of us were working to adjust in order that we could synchronize our lives.

    Although the marriage appeared to be perfect outside, there was a big piece missing in it. I have not felt physical attraction towards my wife. I liked her, I spent time with her, and I also probably had some form of love for her. However, my love did not qualify as the special form of love that exists between a husband and a wife, which brings them to marital intimacy. That is why I had to force intimacy, which is not very pleasant.

    To be honest, although it may sound strange, the attraction issue surfaced in my mind soon after the marriage (within the first week), and naturally I was in denial of it. I tried to block it and tried to act normal. However, no matter how hard I had tried, I could not erase this thought from the back of my mind, and in the four months I was married, there was hardly a moment when the thought did not nag me. It was there constantly. I tried to overcome it by denial, by doing activities together, by doing acts of worship and prayers, by performing two umrahs, but at the end, I could not overcome the matter of attraction. I always felt that something was missing in this relationship, and soon after I discovered this attraction issue, the soul of this relationship died.

    During my married months, psychologically I felt severely constricted because of my failure to fulfill my wife’s intangible needs, because of faking my feelings, and because of not feeling the pride and protective jealousy a husband is supposed to feel for his wife. Sometimes the feeling used to reach a point where I would feel I might have a nervous breakdown. The issue had impacted my work life, my ibadah, and my overall life quality. I was on the brink of nervous breakdown quite a few times at work.

    That is why for those who are advising this brother to stick to this marriage should think twice: Is it fair for the brother? Is it fair for the girl to spend her life with someone who is not excited about her or who is not feeling physical attraction to her? If you had a daughter, would you ever want your daughter to live life with someone who cannot reciprocate her genuine love? Do you not think that a girl deserves someone who will genuinely appreciate her every aspect?

    For those who naively believe that physical attraction grows with time, know that research showed otherwise. Physical attraction is something that does not grow over time. It is either there or it is not there. There is no in between and there is no gradual build up. I have posted below a link from Phycology Today, a renowned psychology website, where a marriage counselor with more than 30 years of experience said physical attraction never grows with time in a marriage. Please click on the link below to read the article.

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/magnetic-partners/201311/the-role-physical-attraction-in-your-relationship

    And read the story below how a man broke down psychologically in marriage for he was not physically attracted to his wife.

    http://www.onislam.net/english/ask-the-counselor/marital-obstacles/482881-my-husband-doesnt-want-to-be-with-me.html

    I personally believe that the girl mentioned in the post (as well as my former wife) deserves someone much better. She is a young lady and she has her whole life in front of her. Yes, she will have the tag of ‘divorcee’, but so what? If you have that tawakkul upon Allah, and if you truly believe that Allah is the best of all providers, and also if you believe that nothing is impossible for Allah, then don’t you think that Allah can provide for a divorced lady with a much better husband? Because for those who truly fear Allah, Allah provides for them from a source they cannot imagine.

    • Dear Brother

      I fully agree with you that physical attraction is a prior but let me tell a story of a young couple.

      The guy gets married after middle age(as his young age is consumed in higher studies) to a girl just below 30, who he does not find attractive as compared to previous crushes. His wife feels his coldness before and even after marriage. Later that girl works very hard on her husband's fitness and health by providing him a strict healthy diet along with daily exercise. The guy admiring his wife motivation fully cooperates with his wife, even consult a therapist recommended by his wife and after six months of marriage and hard work of both couples, they are expecting a boy.

      Our brother seeking advice needs a chance like that too, not a recommendation for divorce.

      • @feelix i agree

      • Feelix: The guy admiring his wife motivation fully cooperates with his wife, even consult a therapist recommended by his wife and after six months of marriage and hard work of both couples, they are expecting a boy.

        Now a days women can even have kids using IVF techniques that does not need sexual intercourse.

        What is a strict healthy diet?

        • Dear Key

          Sex is not just about having kids. It also involves getting pleasure through physical interaction.

          Islam understands its importance in married life and emphasizes on a healthy and balanced sexual relation between husband and wife. That is true for almost all religions.

          But some secular cultures allow this sexual relation to get imbalanced and therefore in these cultures some people indulge in sex without any fear of values and ethics, while some people get disgusted so much by it that they deny its importance comprehensively. Unfortunately such polarization is slowly building up in our world due to influence of secular cultures.

    • As you said " if you are truly attracted to someone, you will feel excited when you will see that person. You will always anticipate to see that person. And when you will see that person, you will feel something in your heart and in your stomach. They call it heart beating fast and feeling butterflies in the stomach."
      That is love for the person regardless of how they look and are.....
      I hope you know the meaning of physically attracted....
      It means the body attracts...... and that will never work in a marriage coz some day or the other you will get attracted to another females body what then? Is that love? Or lust?

      Love a person for their character the physical features are just a bonus......

      You will like a girl with the same body as sunny leone.... but you not like sunny as she's a porn star...... so that's the thing.... love a person for their inner self ......

      Key it

    • To "A Brother":
      Have you tested out your theories to make sure that they are valid? What I mean is: After you divorced your wife, did you go on to marry another woman you felt attracted to and experience marital satisfaction?

      If not, I don't think you should be recommending divorce as a first option...because we don't know for sure whether you have worked out your issues to the point that your next relationship has turned out the way you hope it will be.

      I think most people who have been married for a while will tell you that butterflies in your stomach is a temporary thing that does not last. I looked at the link you provided and saw in the comments that some people had left their spouses for people they were supposedly "attracted" to. And the only thing that really came to mind is that these people probably felt drawn to this attraction because it was something new and "forbidden" compared to their aging and comfortable marriages. That's why so many crushes are so powerful and intoxicating in the initial stages, but then fizzle out once the "chase" is over.

      What will happen if someone is initially attracted to his new wife but then gets bored after a year or two (as often happens)? Should everyone get divorced at this point? Or do people need to cope with their new emotions and put some effort into the marriage?

    • May I please ask a genuine question? I'm just about to be married myself. Firstly, didn't you see her physically before marrying her? How did you agree to potentially spend the rest of your life with someone without seeing her?
      Also, you've now instilled a sort of fear in my that my future husband won't find me attractive and may 'fake' the feelings :/

    • You have really worried me now. I'm also about to get married, I have a genuine question for you please.
      This 'attraction' you talk of - how is it determined by the man before he marries the woman?
      Also, why did you not see her face to face before committing this way.

      I'm worried silly now thinking what if my husband doesn't find me attractive after we marry although we've seen each other a few times and spoken quite a bit. What if he fakes it like you did subhanAllah.

  11. This isnt Hollywood bollywood or lollywood as soon as someone mentions this you soon realise them for the person they are sorry but this is real life not fantasy where certain peoples minds are corrupted.

  12. To the Original Poster:
    First, I think that you need to get over the idea that your wife "deceived" you. You asked her for a picture, and she gave you one, which is already more than most women wearing hijab would do.

    Wherever you go in the Muslim world, it is generally understood that a woman is not going to remove her hijab for someone she's not married to. Usually, a suitor will sit with the woman at least a few times, which gives him some opportunity to look at her features, including her face, the shape of her body, how she talks, etc. The only thing you can't see is her hair...but most people would probably have a female relative take a look before agreeing to marriage. And apparently, you got to see your wife's hair for yourself by seeing her photo.

    But you seem to be focused on the idea that you were deceived, even though it is obvious that any woman in this situation would provide a flattering photo rather than an "ugly" one. I mean, she is obviously not going to provide you with a photo of a bad-hair day or the day she just woke up or had a cold or whatever. That is normal. And people don't really change that much over the span of a year or two, so it is highly unlikely that her looks have really changed in that short period.

    I am not a man, and I don't really know for sure what men look for in women, physically speaking. In my own opinion, however, people are not "beautiful" or "ugly" until they provide evidence of these traits through their actions.

    I don't know you and I don't want to judge you or "A Brother" above. But I honestly think that it may be a lack of experience and maturity that has caused you both to have such feelings towards your wives. Perhaps you have built up very high expectations of marriage in your mind such that you were shocked by the reality, which is not too glamorous in most cases. Marriage is basically day-to-day life with another human being, and it takes time to meld two lives together into something cohesive and lasting. If your wife is a good person who cares about you and your akhira, that is something special and probably means that she will also be a good mother to any children you may have.

    So, think carefully about the future and how you handle this situation. I don't want to "shame" you into staying with someone you can't bear to look at or be around, but I would also ask what you have done to rid yourself of these feelings or improve the situation.

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