I dont get on with my Mother and I’m lonely
Salaam,
I’m an unmarried single Muslim sister, I have never dated in my life or had any haram interactions with a guy. I know there are plenty of sisters out there in the same boat as me, so that’s only part of the matter that is affecting me, my mother does care about these things, when she was my age she had already got 4 kids and was running a whole household.
My parents are divorced and I do not see my father, who would have just married me to a relative in order to bring them to the UK anyhow rather then get me a good partner. However communities being as they are, they perceive my mother as the ominous divorced woman and so all of her daughters are casted out from many cultural families who see this as a bad thing, regardless of how many achievements she has since everything happened. This again is only part of the matter as I see no problem in this, if people are only looking at positions of power rather than my piety then I’m happy that I’m not stuck in that type of relationship.
Due to this and probably other factors with my mum thinking that’s she’s failed us for not getting any of her daughters married she gets frustrated then this frustration is spread to us, which is causing a problem. I myself was never my mother’s daughter I always went to my dad when I needed something plus I have hazel eyes, and my dad had green so she’s reminded of him whenever I look at her, also note a cultural clash, the western world requires us to look each other in the eye when talking and I grew up never looking my parents in the eye when being berated. So if I start even looking up I'm in trouble, even though it's not intentional, and regardless of whether I explain the cultural diferences she never seems to care and thinks we just want to be western, rather then the explanation of, well it's something that's done in the workplace so sometimes it's a habit.
I was at a point that we stopped talking for several months and I was prepared to leave home, getting a car and looking into accommodation and all sorts, with her occasionally screaming at me asking whether I had a boyfriend that’s why I was moving out. My siblings followed suit and said the same things and some additional points.
At the time I was planning to leave and migrate to the other side of the country as I knew some parts of that town and had a friend (whom was a female) was also living there so if I needed any help she could help me out. And I knew if I left I would not return and the whole marriage thing would be off, I would not go down the haram route however I knew I would not marry without my mother’s consent either. The only reason why I stayed was because my mum had arranged some family to come see me for a marriage prospect (I was told this 5 minutes before they came to our home!), the guy was agreeable and so I stayed at home, however it turned out that his mother only wanted the marriage because she wanted her daughter married to my brother and after having istiharah it was not positive however the guy's mother was still adament and so the whole thing fell apart.
I know if I moved out I would not be interested in any guys because since I had attempted suicide some years earlier without success I had not been interested in guys at all, although my mum is not aware of these attempts, and the only reason why I stopped was because I finally came back to the faith and as suicide is haram, I live.
However recently my mum has been favouring her eldest daughter and not one word can be spoken against her and it’s slowly driving me to frustration and if I ever point it out my mother throws a tantrum at me saying that I have no respect for my elders, which I have no answer for, because if I answer I have no respect and if I don’t she’ll just say I have no respect.
I’m not a great Muslim, I’m probably not even a good one, regardless of whatever people say, seeing as how I can’t cook, I don’t clean (because the eldest has OCD or something so if I do clean anything she’ll redo just because she feels I haven’t done it right and over a few years I’ve just given up trying, same happens for ironing or any other household tasks) and then if I do anything she then has some weird impression that I’ll make a big deal out of it, which I understand even less I have no reason to lord it over the household if I vacuum a carpet or wash a plate, I live in the house it’s part and parcel of what you do to keep a place clean, or because of the season now my sister refuses to allow me to give her a lift to/from work (as I have a car now and she doesn’t) because she feels I’ll make a big deal out of it, whereas I say I’d rather see her safe then having to worry about her safety in the dark mornings/evenings, this isn't enough of an explanation apparently.
It’s starting to lead to the same situation as before and I’m crying myself to sleep because I don’t want to let anyone down but I wonder why I didn’t move out like I had the resolution to before, and sometimes I wonder if I just wait until mother goes on holiday again so that I can leave and not worry about any emotional ties that I might be persuaded to stay for.
I’m sorry I know I ranted for quite a while there and people are in much, much worse situations I just feel like I’m at the end of my tether and worrying about my sanity and theirs and I don’t know which one I’m going to choose.
- rookie4ever
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Salaams,
It seems that your mother is creating a toxic and unhealthy environment in the home, one that is causing you distress now and has caused you severe distress in the past. You were going to leave until a situation came up that caused you to stay.
You could try to leave again now, since that situation has come and gone and nothing would be keeping you from moving in with another sister somewhere else and working on your personal and spiritual goals without the negative energy from your mother distracting you. That would be a good thing, but the risk you take is putting yourself in an environment where other unforeseeable situations arise that are just as troubling for you.
Or, you could continue to try and make the best of staying with your mom, knowing that in some ways it is a spiritually safe and predictable environment, but you make the tradeoff of having to deal with the family dynamics. If you try to do that, Allah may reward you for your intention to be patient and make a more ideal way out of the situation than you could've made for yourself by leaving.
I would not recommend leaving the home as a single woman unless you have a strong situation to move into with another sister, with a lot of Islamic support in place as well. It could backfire on you. But, if you can make that happen, it may be the breathing room you need to figure out the next steps you want to take (regarding marriage or anything else).
You are not in an easy situation, and the best advice I could give is to continue to bring your cares and burdens to Allah, and seek His guidance for your situation. Make another istikhara about this in particular and hopefully what you should do will be clearer. In the meantime, stay in dhikr and ibadah and know that those of us reading your post are making dua for you and hoping the best for you comes soon.
As salamu alaykum Sister,
It is clear that they feel you different from them, specially your mother, it touches my heart deeply your suffering, but I can see their suffering too. Maybe hard for you to understand it now, but with time you will.
We count with some tools for this, I would love to share them with you, I´ve seen great results in my own life,
please could you forgive them with all your Heart? could you love them consciously with all your Heart despite what you feel? I know it sounds strange, but experience has told me that the only way of opening closed doors is through love and forgiveness and if you alloud me a third one, respect.
Even when they don´t show it to you, you will see that doing this, their Hearts will soften and yours too, you will cry, but your tears will show the deep love you feel towards them not the impotence you feel now, because you don´t know how to communicate with them without being hurt or misanderstood, and they just don´t understand your language.
When you feel something coming in the air, please remember to ask Allah for Forgiveness, for Love and for Respect, you are full of all of this, but you need to be conscious of it, put your energy in the Straight Path, learn about the Prophet(peace be upon him), and you will see the sun shinning in the middle of a storm.
They need you as much as you need them, please, don´t leave your home, you have a great task to accomplish with your loved ones.
May Allah rewards you for all your unconditional love and patience.
Barak Allah feekum my beloved Sister.
All my unconditional love and respect,
María
Salam Sister,
Your story really caught my attention for several reasons, mainly because I am going through the same problems as you are but at a much more intense level. It's sad to see our own mothers treating us with such disrespect when, in our religion, we are expected to respect everyone of all ages and races, especially family.
My parents are divorced too. My father has brain cancer and is lying down on his death bed, however my mom doesn't allow me to see him. She throws a tantrum every time my brother and I go to visit him (usually once a week, or month). She remarried a man whom she "fell in love with" the same year she ended her 20 year marriage from my father. True, they didn't have a successful marriage but she still should have thought of her 4 kids first, or at least I would.
My mother was my best friend, my sister (being that I don't have one) and my mother up until she got married. That's when all of our lives changed. Some for the better and as for me, it was the worse thing that has ever happened. My life crumbles down day by day. She finds little worthless things to argue about. Things get pretty ugly around here now a days and I have no one to turn too. No family, no relatives, no friends, no man in my life, NO ONE. I have tried to commit suicide before they got divorced but Allah didn't want that, hence why I'm still here.
I could really use some advice myself.
May Allah help you and help all the lonely sister in need and may he grant us with patience.
Peace and Love,
Nour
Nour, I'm sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, and we'll be able to advise you Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I was reading this and quite a few things struck me as well. I am 28 and have never had a boyfriend or relationship ever and since I was in my early teens I have been made absolutely terrified of being in such relationship or talking to any guys with intention by my mum and I still am to this day, because even now if I am out with my work colleagues who are all girls she will still interrogate me on my whereabouts as if I am guilty and have something to hide, I have told her many times that i don't like being made out like a suspect when I have never done anything to warrant that suspicion, but she has never really regarded me or my siblings feelings before anyways so she has never changed any negative aspects of her personality that i have pointed out to her and just shouts at me for being disrespectful to an elder. Also my mum has never ONCE even mentioned marriage, which I didn't know was strange until I told my friends, as if it doesn't exist. She only insults me if I am messy and tells me, people your age are looking after whole households and your like this, that is the most marriage- like talk ever mentioned in my house. So I always grew up thinking marriage is a taboo subject for our family especially as she is divorced and is the reason why all of us siblings are heading to our 30s and forever alone and feel trapped in our bedrooms because that is the only place I spend all my time outside of work. I feel like I have always only half existed because of my fear of my mum suspecting me of anything wrong and the hassle of arguing before i leave the house to do/go anywhere with friends. My sisters are the same as me, we have never gotten on with my mother, I'm the oldest so my younger sisters don't have much recollection but I was 7 when my mum and dad divorced and i remember I was the biggest daddies girl, we all were and I was just scared of my mum so I always ran to my dad. But she never allowed us to see him after the divorce. When we were young if he sent a card at a birthday through the mail or toys she would throw them in the bin. So 7 years old was the only recollection I had of his face and then he found out my schoo, l came to me and my first thought was he was a perverted person on the street, and he felt saddened and shocked that i didn't know who he was. He looked so much older than the faint image of my dad i had before and he gave me his number and i was so fearful throughout that whole encounter that i hardly remember it and I gave the number straight to my mum because I couldn't deal with the guilt and fear of her finding out. Needless to say, i'm sure she contacted him even though he told me not to tell her and 14 years have passed and i have never heard from him again after that and it is strange that even if we pass each other on the street we may not even know.
She works on this system that is my way or the high way, if you have a discussion about even the most irrelevant things and you have a difference of opinion she will turn the discussion in to a heated discussion and then an argument and that irrelevant thing and a lot of other things get brought up and then i usually leave and shut myself in my room and close the lock. Yes, I myself have now installed a lock on my bedroom door for the many times i want to escape my mums voice and constantly complaining, or arguing with someone.I have thought about leaving many times, but it's always when me and my mum are in a blazing argument and I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel anymore and I feel, maybe I can get along with her better if we are talking over the phone occasionally and not under the same roof. She shouts that we never come out of our bedrooms now, and it's true, but I can never see this family ever sitting down and have more than a few hours or maybe a day if miracles happen with out arguing. But we also have no family outside me my mum and my sisters who my mum has not had an argument with and therefore we never see again, so there is not any family members who i can even turn to to talk or reason with her about our feelings. But I get along with my sisters well.
"A", you and your sisters need to proactively seek your own marriage partners, regardless of your mother's reaction. Your mom is clearly not going to do it for you. Don't let the opportunity for a family of your own pass you by.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalam alaikum,
None of this is normal and probably the biggest hurdle that you have to overcome isn't even your mother, it's the guilt that you feel whenever you feel happy or seek it. You will feel this way forever, until you realize that your mother is human, and though you should love and respect her, this doesn't entail embracing sadness for yourself. You can't control how others feel or perceive things beyond doing your best. I hope that you become proactive and learn to move on without carrying baggages of guilt. None of this is easy. May Allah help you through this trial, Ameen