Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I don’t know exactly what I should do!

repent forgive

The Door of Allah's Forgiveness is Still Open!

Assalam alaykum wu haramatallah wu barakatu,

please brothers and sisters give me advice on what to do in order to repent sincerely and to gain allahs closeness again!

this is a bit long, sorry!

Ok so I have been so depressed and disappointed in myself and i just cannot find peace. I cannot reach out to my family for this situation because I feel that they will think of me as disgusting or sensitive.

Ok so about 2 years ago I used to be very close to allah and I felt so happy.I felt happiness during prayer as well. My connection with Allah was good and I loved to learn about Islam however as time passed I slowly drifted away from Allah and eventually stopped praying and started sinning. I wouldn't pray anymore and I would watch very bad things LIKE REALLY BAD THINGS(sexual things) basically porn and stuff like that, yea I know, I too am disgusted by this.And I would also pleasure myself(masterbate) often.And I kept on doing this. I stayed this way for a very long time and as time went by I got worse, I wouldn't feel guilty about sinning and that means my heart has hardened.Astagfurallah I'm so ashamed of myself.This has been going on for a while. Then Ramadan came and i made things even worse for myself.The thing is during that Ramadan I couldn't remember if I prayed or not but IF  i did pray then I'm sure i would do it like once or twice a day and I would either rush it or go days without it or not care or do it because my mother would bother me to do it. I know it would be this way because if I were to take religion seriously I would consider all of it, I would pray all 5 on time and completely avoid bad deeds, that's the way I am, either I follow the religion the way it should be or just avoid the whole thing. Basically I have to be completely for it or against it.Anyway back to the story, I didn't care for the prayer as much as I should.Then there was the moement that ruined me, I pleasured myself during the morning of Ramadan, and u know what I was thinking? I was thinking it's okay, fasting for 60 days doesn't sound bad. Astagfurallah, I made such a horrible decision. I wish I can go back in time and stop myself. I feel very disappointed and ashamed to ruin the connection I had with Allah.

As for the Ramadan that just went by I have also been disobedient and I pleasured myself but I did it at night and I cleansed my self right after it, but during that Ramadan I only took the prayer seriously for I think at most 10 days Im not so sure but i wasn't good.

So that's my embarrassing ridiculous story. right now My heart is still hardened and I do not feel Allah's presence like I did two years ago.
However recently I have been wanting to go back to Allah and do the right things and try to heal my heart, I have good intentions but I am very weak and I have trouble pulling through I do not stick with Islam as I should. I feel it's cause of what I have done to break my connection with Allah and that Allah has hardened my heart in return.

 

What I want to know is if I should fast the 60 days or not because i invalidated a fast day during ramadan(the day that I invalidated the fast I didn't even pray and I didn't eat until Fatoor time)~ cause I didn't want to eat or drink in front of my family (so disappointing.(that I do remember)

What I am thinking is that I shouldn't pray 60 days because I was considered a Kafira because I did not pray and I didn't care for religion. However I still do not know because I do not remember entirely if I prayed or not
I can only remember that I did not pray the required 5 times, I would either pray less then the required or none at all and that I had not paid attention to my religion and I was trying to forget about it In all.
Please note that I cannot remember if I prayed at all or very little because it was a while ago and I can only say that IF I did pray it was less than 5 times and I probably did it half heartily or rushed or insincerely or cause someone pushed me to do it- not for my creator (Astagurfallah)

Fasting for 60 days is really tough as well.since I didn't know what to do, I thought i should fast 60 days just in case but to fast 60 days while going to school and hiding it from your family is much harder than I had imagined and the fasting is just for the day that I had pleasured myself. What about the days that went without prayer during Ramadan, wouldn't I have to make up for those as well? Plus I can't even remember what days I prayed and what days I went without prayer. And I don't think fasting sooooo many days in a row would be the way because i don't think Allah would make repentance that difficult. I am also too young(16) to go out to find poor and give them meals and if I told my family they would be very angry and upset with me especially since I am a girl.thats what's stopping me from telling them.
I wish I can make tawbah sincerely however my heart is hardened and I am still very weak (when it comes to religion) and I am afraid of doing another sin which will interfere with my repentance. But at the very least I know all of this and am aware of my weakness and now I am a tiny bit better and I am praying all the 5 prayers and I am trying to avoid doing sins.i am doing what is required but it's difficult because I cannot taste the goodness and sweetness of prayer and I cannot feel allah's presence. This really bothers me because I feel as though Allah is upset with me and this is his way of showing it. and I know I shouldn't stop praying and inshallah I won't but I wish there was a way that would make me feel at ease because all of this is really getting to me.

Please tell me what you think I should do concerning....
1.)the Ramadan that went with disobedience (same month that I pleasured myself during the morning)
2.)the Ramadan that just went by
3.)the hardness of my heart

4.)how I can make Allah love me again

Please help me I have been so depressed and stressed for so long
And I have become more sensitive.
I have family members that I met just recently. I haven't seen them in almost 2 years and my family member told me that I was different and that I became sensitive.I wasn't the good happy person I used to be.you know now I don't even want to speak to anyone I just want to be left alone!this is NOT the real me. Even my own mother said i changed.

I have not felt true happiness in a while  and I want to make things right now
I want to go back to the the right path

this has been making me feel stressed and for a young 16 year old girl to already be feeling stressed!!! This is really bad and unhealthy please someone help

i really want to feel allah's presence and love again

From,
A shy depressed muslimah

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3 Responses »

  1. Assalamalekum

    My Dear.

    First of all you must know that, no marriage would be valid without your consents.Your parents can not force you to marry this guy. However if you have left it with Allah's then do trust him.
    My suggestion, only a sugestion! that you do isteqaraH instead of making doa for Not to go ahead with this marriage, you could consult Allah because only Allah's knows what is right for us. Do isteqaraH, asking Allah if this marriage is right for your Deen and DunYa, then make it happen and ask Allah to guide your parents. ..there are Doa for isteqaraH . InshaAllah, you will accept this husband with your heart .

    As for Allah not answering you doa, Allah answer any valid Doa.
    The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, “Whenever a Muslim supplicates Allah, He accepts his supplication or averts any similar kind of trouble from him until he prays for something sinful or something that may break the ties of kinship.” Upon this, someone of the Companions said: “Then we shall supplicate plenty.” The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, “Allah is more plentiful (in responding).” [At- Tirmidhi].

    Also our Doa could be answered:
    1. Immidiatly
    2 Get rejected. Allah knows what's best for us. What Allah knows we do not know. Allah's plan is far better then ours. Our doa can ward off harm in DunYa.
    3. Allah can postpone it for a better time.
    We will be rewarded for patience and seBer and acceptance of Allah's will.

    May you find happiness. InshaAllah

  2. assalamalekum

    My Dear, the previous comment was not meant for you. It got posted by mistake.

    Here let me try again.

    .First of all don't despair.for Allah is
    forgiving and merciful No matter how big is our sin, Allaah will accept our repentance.
    Making mistakes and falling short are undoubtedly part of human nature and no one will be free of shortcomings All of us fall short, commit sins, and make mistakes. Sometimes we turn to Allaah and sometimes we turn away from Him. Sometimes we remember that Allaah is watching and sometimes we become negligent. None of us is free of sin, and we will inevitably make mistakes. We are not infallible. Hence the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Every son of Adam sins, and the best of those who sin are those who repent.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 2499; classed as hasan by al-Albaani.
    As you say you are only 16 don't be hard on yourself. you are blessed that you have realised you are doing wrong & you have stopped and repenting, MashaAllah. Keep your salaH.
    The gate of repentance is always open by the mercy of the almighty Allaah. In Quran it is mentioned in many place about turning to Allah in repentance.

    "Allaah has enjoined repentance on all kinds of people in this ummah: those who are foremost in good deeds, those who follow a middle course, and those who wrong their own selves by doing haraam things (cf. Faatir 35:32). "

    Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “And all of you beg Allaah to forgive you all, O believers, that you may be successful”

    My dear child don't stress yourself it's Shaytan's wisher to prevent you from doing good. Trick of shataN is to first it leads you to sin then once if you try to go back in the right path, he will make you miserable, be strong you are coming in the right path please carry on with salaH and mending your ways. Your life is ahead of you. InshaAllah you will be fine.
    Read Quran with meaning if Arabic is not your language like myself.
    Read surah Noor
    Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
    “And all of you beg Allaah to forgive you all, O believers, that you may be successful”
    [al-Noor 24:31]
    “O you who believe! Turn to Allaah with sincere repentance!”
    [al-Tahreem 66:8]
    “Say: O ‘Ibaadi (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allaah, verily, Allaah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful”

    [al-Zumar 39:53 – interpretation of the meaning].

    And He says, out of kindness towards His slaves (interpretation of the meaning):

    “Will they not turn with repentance to Allaah and ask His forgiveness? For Allaah is Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful”

    [al-Maa'idah 5:74]

    “And verily, I am indeed forgiving to him who repents, believes (in My Oneness, and associates none in worship with Me) and does righteous good deeds, and then remains constant in doing them (till his death)”
    There are many such verses through out the holy Quran. So do not fret. Just enjoy life within boundaries of Islam. Our religion is not that difficult.

    May Allah pardon my shortcomings.Hope it make sense to you.

  3. i am very saddened to read your story and would like to comfort you by telling you dont worry everythgin will be ok...i was/am in the same boat as u and what evr u mentioned i did the same things feel bad and ashamed

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