I don’t know what is good for me, nor what I want
Assalam aleykoum Waramatoullahi Wabarakatouh,
I have participated much in replying to so many posts, Alhamdulillah. I hope I can find solace and great help from you at this moment, as I finally got the courage to seek out your advice. My situation is similar to many posted on this site. I led a very conservative life, and very much focused on my deen and education up until 4 years ago. I was 28 years old, and very naive Wallah.
I met a Muslim brother, same ethnicity and very much attractive. We had much in common. He exposed me to many things that I only had an idea about but never had experience in. We never had sex (how Great Allah is for protecting me), but still the consequences of my haram actions really did a number on me. I was betrayed in the cruelest way. I hurt too much to explain in words. We were together for three years. I was still seeing him with hopes of marriage. I was led to believe that he was going to marry me, but he didn’t. Instead, he was still seeing me just weeks before his nuptials. I came to find out two weeks short before his wedding day through a mutual friend who (knowingly/unknowing of our relationship-only Allah SWT knows) invited me to the wedding. It has been a year since he got married, and it has been the most painful and dramatic ever since. He is now married. I have accepted the fact, and I have finally cut him off from my life even after he still came after me as a married man. In short, I was left very much wounded, but I am healing Alhamdulillah.
My family/friends know what had happened to me. They were aware and also supported me during and even the aftermath of my relationship with this brother. They too were hopeful that we would get married, but in the end they realized how I was played. I am still working on my relationship with Allah SWT, but I have a long way to go. I also realize that I need to heal and I am finding many ways/methods to heal. (Reading many posts and replying to some is one way for me, Alhamdulillah). So my request for an advice is not of how to heal but more of how to go on? Please read further below.
I will turn 32 in a month. I feel like my youth, energy and values have been wasted on the wrong person. I want to start over, but not so naively this time. My family/friends have tried to introduce me to many brothers out there for marriage, but for the past year all four attempts failed.
A month ago I was introduced to this brother. Again, same ethnicity as I. Alhamdulillah, we are compatible in some ways. He is very educated, and his deen is ok (as far as what he has told me). We both met with the intention of marriage. He is okay looking. His manners are pleasant based on what I have seen of him. And he comes from a good family (again this is based on information that he has provided, and what I have gauged from). I told him straight off that I have no intention of dating or of the "let’s get to know one another" business. He said he totally agrees on that concept; however he still wanted to meet with me, talk and then get the family involved if we both come to the conclusion of marriage. I agreed on that and kept it very strictly halaal. We would meet in public, and I never let him near me. So far we have gone out three times, and Alhamdulillah all is well.
I have alerted my Mom and Sister in regards to this brother. I am never the type to hang out with a man behind my family’s back, since my intentions have always been for marriage. For some reason they are all in favor of him, even though they have no knowledge of him and have not seen him. I confided in two of my very good friends and again, they too are very much in favor of him based on the little info I have shared of him. So why am I anxious? I know that my family and friends are worried about my biological clock ticking. I am worried too, but I also want to love and be loved and not jump into marriage just out of desperation. But, there are other factors too. Please read further.
Here is my problem. He told me he is 28 yrs old- that means he is four years younger than I. He is very mature though in his personality. Also, another problem is that I keep comparing him to the ex. The ex was very tall and very handsome. This one is about 5"5' (I am 5"2'). I can’t seem to shake this height issue off. Other than those two aspects that stall me; he is kind, respectful, goal oriented, has good akhlaq and I can tell that he can be a really good husband and father to my kids (Allahu allam, this is just my guess). So what is wrong with me?
I have known him for a month now, and he has expressed interest in me. And I know that he is just waiting for me to give him the green light to move on to the next step of getting our families involved. So why am I hesitating? Why am I getting anxious about little things like his height and age? And why am I thinking/comparing him to the ex (who is now married and was not a good person to me)? Why can’t I move on?
Why am I punishing myself? Am I this shallow, that I overlook the goodness of a man by focusing on his height or age? Am I greedy by thinking that I will one day find some other good looking, tall man with great iman and akhlaq for marriage before it’s too late? (because part of me- i.e. my heart- really wants that)
My Sister, Mom and Friends keep reminding me of what an awful person the ex was, and how lucky I am that Allah SWT has protected me from him. They also remind me that I am not young, and should be conscious of my age-32.
What am I waiting for? What is my lesson that Allah SWT wants me to learn? A lot of people tell me that marriage is like a dark hole and you won’t know what is inside of it until you get in it. Meaning, you won’t know who the person really is until you are married to him/her. Should I go ahead and create a future with this man, even though I don’t know him very well?
I have not performed Istikhara on this. I have been hesitating. Apparently my sub-consciousness tells me that since the result of my Istikhara from the ex was very painful, this too could be disappointing and I have no more room for hurt. I know I am not making sense. It’s like I am running away from the truth because it is painful.
Also one more thing: I remember answering Sister Lisa's question in one of the posts; of whether I can truly love again? And I answered (I was very emotional then) “Yes...by the grace of Allah I can love again passionately since Allah SWT is the controller of the hearts.” But I have been wondering lately. Can I really love again? Truly love again?
JazakaAllah,
-SisterZahriya
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Sis may allah swt heal you ameen. I know you are hurting and I can only say one thing, follow your heart and do what you feel that will make you happy. If you feel half hearted about this brother then don't go ahead with it! You have every right to be picky, of course if you are going to be with this man for the rest of your life and be intimate you should be attracted to him and not just find him 'okay'. Please don't put pressure on yourself or feel like you should just settle for someone. Why not take time off and focus on yourself and inshallah when the time is right allah swt will bring the right guy for you when you are ready. You're hurt and emotional right now and you shouldn't make any serious decisions when you are in such a state because you may regret your decisions later. May allah swt heal your broken heart and protect us all from such evil brothers ameen
Waalekoum Salaam Ukhty,
JazakaAllah for your advice. It is true, I was not fair to this brother because I was not whole hearted in all of this. I believe I do need time to heal. I am 32 in a month and I guess this is another part of my worry and affects the ideology of my time to heal that I would need.
Assalaamualaikam
Ultimately, it is you who would be marrying this man, so while your friends and family may have opinions, you are entitled to make a decision based on whether you wish to marry him or not. It sounds as though the situation with your ex was very distressing, and it's worth remembering that this wasn't that long ago (a year isn't really a long time, especially when you had such high hopes), so don't feel bad about still going through the healing process. It's understandable to compare people in your mind when things have all happened so recently; just make sure you remember the less good sides of your ex as well - his character and deen don't seem to have been the best (to put it tactfully).
Try to look at this man as a person in his own right, and consider the aspects that The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said to give priority when considering marriage - is he practising and pious? is he of good character? If he meets these criteria, then it might be appropriate to involve your families - that wouldn't be a guarantee of marriage, and you could still decline the proposal if you decide to, but it would give you both and your families a chance to learn more about each other within Islamic limits.
Chronological age isn't as big a deal as some people seem to think. There were significant age differences between The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and his wives Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) and Khadija (may Allah be pleased with her), so there is precedent in the life of The Prophet himself (peace be upon him) that an age difference does not need to negatively impact on a marriage. What matters more is emotional maturity and maturity of faith, and recognition of the value present in difference.
Height isn't something this man can change; he is the height that Allah decreed for him. Quite a few women hesitate about marrying shorter men, for a number of reasons, even: "I wouldn't be able to wear my high heels" (seriously.). But this is only his physical height in this dunya, and will not affect whether he can provide for you and your family together, face the challenges of this life with you, and bring you comfort.
Don't feel you need to settle for someone you don't truly like though - this is your choice, and you have the right to decline any proposal at any stage (although preferably before the nikah, as after that gets a bit more complicated).
I think the advice you gave to Sister Lisa is correct - Allah is the Controller of Hearts, so trust in Him to guide you to true love.
May Allah guide you to a husband who will be a loving companion for you in this life and the next.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Wa3alekoum Salaam Sister,
JazakaAllah for your words of wisdom. I really wish I didn't have to go through this pain. My healing process is very slow, but it has gotten me much closer to Allah SWT. It's good to know that 1 year is not too long for healing.
There are so many ?s about the what ifs, and the anxiety part in me. I tell myself that it's from Shaitan. Yet I worry Also that it could be that Allah SWT may have sent me someone good yet I turned away while struggling in focusing on my healing process.
Where do I draw the line though?
Sister Midnightmoon, thank you very much for your advice. I really appreciate it.
JazakaAllah Kheir
SisterZahriya
Asc sister.
May Allah heal your pain, May Allah help you in this and may Allah forgive ours and your sins too.
Firstly this dunya will never be perfect, So the fact that you have been hurt shows that you are a human. Allah tests those whom he loves and remember that as long as you have learnt a lesson from your mistake ( Ie to not ever do it again) Its fine. Just to sincere tawba to Allah to forgive you.
Secondly, Let go of your ex.There is a reason why Allah planned it to be that way. Just know that Allah will grant you someone you love and adore regardless of your age. But for thay to happen you really have to forget about your ex, You are much better than that and Allah will grant you much better. I Know how it feels to try to let go of someone, But sister when ever he comes to your mind just get him out of your mind right away. Be grateful you didnt marry a man like your ex, because he probably would have done to you what he did to his wife.Alhamdullilah Allah saved you from him.
thirdly, Just make istikhara sis, Dont delay it and see how it goes, If its positive then Ask Allah to grant between you and the man mercy and love and if its negative leave him in sh Allah.
OF COURSE you can love again and by Allah you will.
May Allah help you, grant you a rightous spouse that you will love and may Allah grant you peace and happiness.
Wa3akeykoum Salaam,
While waiting for my post to be submitted, a few things happened in between.
I made 2 Salata-ul-Istikhara on different days right before our 4th outing. I then made another Salata-ul-Istikhara after our outing.
The way I see it is that, the result of my Istikhara are based on how things end up. Meaning, if Allah SWT meant for it to happen then it will and if not then it wont. I never make assumptions on the result of my Salata-ul-Istikhara based on dreams because I could never remember what I dreamt of the minute I wake up ( I don't understand how others use dreams for interpretation). Plus, most of my dreams are just so wired they don't make sense, lol.
So after solemnly making Salata-ul-Istikhara and gave it my 100%. Things didnt work out after that between us. Yet my heart is at peace. Al7amdulillah.
I will take this opportunity InshaAllah and follow the advices provided from all of you.
JazakaAllah
SisterZahriya
AsSalaamu Alaikum SisterZahriya,
I am sorry to hear about your pain, and I pray that Allahu subhanahu wa t'ala will help you through your healing process. Ameen.
As for marriage, I'd have suggested that you forget about it and then have enough time to heal and get that guy out of your mind before you think about marriage. It could be difficult for you to be successful in any future relationship without realizing and believing (in your heart) that, the first guy isn't what you want/need, and that you would have been in an unhealthy relationship, if you married him. Think about what he did. Firstly, he got married without informing you, and secondly he came to you after his marriage - these two things he did signifies a nature dishonesty, and a man's honesty is part of very important female turn ons in general (this is in case if you have truly forgotten a woman's real needs and expectations in a man). You can understand this, by looking at many posts on this website - many women are complaining about their husband's dishonesty's behavior. What if you married the first guy, and then he kept on cheating on you, will you care about his height, handsome and age anymore? In your search for a husband, your intention must be good and pure, and intended for Allah's sake.
It is not impossible to find someone who is good looking, tall with great iman and akhlaq. However, your first priority should be for someone with great iman and akhlaq and then leave the rest to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. If He blesses you with someone who is good looking and tall (in addition to his great iman and akhlaq), then say Alhamdulillah. If not, you still have to be grateful to Him for anything He has for you. Be content with whatever He has for you and say, "Alhamdulillah for every condition - Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli haal". When your intention is good and pure, Allah may bless you with someone you could have wished for, or someone beyond your thoughts. So what you need to do now is NOT to jump into marriage with this new guy. Rather, you should involve your family and have some time to investigate him and learn about him very well, till you become very convinced about his iman and akhlaq, in addition to his honesty. If it turned out to be that he is not what he claimed to be, reject him and continue searching. Since your reason for rejecting him would be for Allah's sake, Allah won't disappoint you. He will surely bless you with something better, inshaAllah. However, you must be sincere and honest in your heart.
As for the guy being shorter or younger than you or less handsome, isn't what you should be concern of. One of the ways to counter such thoughts is by thinking of it in different perspectives. For example, would you like him to think that you are too older than him, as he could easily find someone younger than you/him to marry? Would you like him to think that there is another woman who is more beautiful or more in shape than you? In fact if you want to look at the Dunya aspect while choosing a spouse, the list can go on and on. So we should always focus on the Deen aspect, and then leave most of the Dunya aspect to Almighty Allah.
Also, please do not forget to pray Istikhara ok. Don't be panic about the outcome, for indeed the outcome is better for you. It will save you from a great deal of future pains. It's better to face the least pain of disappointment today, than to feel the greatest pain of disappointment tomorrow.
InshaAllah, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala will bless you with a wonderful pious and good practicing husband, with whom your heart shall find peace and security. Ameen!!!
As I said earlier, "these two things he (the first guy) did signifies a nature of dishonesty". One thing that could have also happened is that, he could have turned you into a secret second wife, or at least played with you (emotionally and physically) while you knew nothing about his first wife...So Sister, you really need to be thankful to Allah for saving you from a huge future pain, and then wake up from the delusion about his physical appearance, and know that what you really need and want is peace and security, in addition to love and affection- these cannot be achieved except through a pious Muslim man who is honest and loyal, and who cares for your heart.
dear sister Issah,
your reply is one that touched my heart. I am going through a very difficult period in my life, and your words touched me. i am also going through a very similar experience, i was with a man for four years, he got enageged without my knowledge, continued a relationship with me on promise of marriage, and when i asked him to come for my hand in marriage he made me aware he could not for the fact he was engaged. i am now at a stage where my parents want me married and my heart just cannot accept what this man did to me or allow me to move on. i keep having thoughts of my ex, the love i felt for him and feel scared that i will never find that love again as i will constantly be comparing any man to him. it has been three months now since he has been married and each day is a struglle for me. i cry so much and feel so derpessed, i pray to allah to forgive my mistakes, i knowi crossed the boundaries set by allah hence my pain, and let this man emotionally and physically take adavantage of me for which i feel so deeply ashamed 🙁 he has moved on in life while i am here suffering all this pain.
"Sister, you really need to be thankful to Allah for saving you from a huge future pain, and then wake up from the delusion about his physical appearance, and know that what you really need and want is peace and security, in addition to love and affection- these cannot be achieved except through a pious Muslim man who is honest and loyal, and who cares for your heart"
i keep thinking, this man caused me pain but will not do the same to his wife as he choose her, but you are right in your words, if we have faith we do not know the reasons behind allahs plan and he probable did save me from future pain i just cannot see it yet.
may allah ease all our pains
AsSalaamu Alaikum dear Sister MuslimGirl88,
In fact, I am so sorry to hear about what you went through, and I pray that Allah subhanahu wa ta'la will make it a great lesson and guidance for you, and then grant you a wonderful husband...Ameen!!!
I believe that Allah saved you from the evil of that man for a purpose. A man that can treat a woman like that, isn't a man you need to marry at all - He is neither a trustworthy nor a loyal man. Such men are really dangerous; it is easy for them to hurt you at any point, since they never cared for your heart in the first place. However because Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala cares for our hearts, He Has given us the best guidance with regards to choosing our spouses, so let us all repent and abide to the guidance of the Almighty Allah. He will have mercy on us, and then grant us wonderful spouses, inshaAllah. Ameen!
Asalaam alaikum brother Issah,
The thing is the problem with such situations is that the mind, at some point is able to find the blessings in whatever happens when looking back but its so hard for the heart to accept it like the mind did.
You always have this weight when you wake up in the morning. And this is the point no one can help us accept Allah, only Allah's help comes between us and ourselves
O you who have believed, respond to Allah and to the Messenger when he calls you to that which gives you life. And know that Allah intervenes between a man and his heart and that to Him you will be gathered.[8:24]
This is the point Allah asks us in the Quran, to have patience, because it takes time for the heart to comprehend what took place and to forgive and receive divine forgiveness in turn. This is the time and opportunity to be the al sabireen and we all know how much the al sabireen are rewarded be it by goodness in this life or rewards without account in the next or the comfort of having Allah Himself by our sides
The help of Allah is indeed near. I would just like to say to Sr zahriya that be patient throughout and trust your affairs to Allah. If you get a positive inclination for the istikhara go ahead. If not, then stay patient and let your heart heal. The reward of the hereafter is far greater but then we will be rewarded abundantly for our patience here as well, inshaAllah. Love between spouses comes from Allah's blessings. You can have two most beautiful people who have no love for each other or one beautiful spouse and one average looking and yet the average looking spouse looks beautiful to his/her partner because of what comes from inside, their personality, their behaviour etc. There are many such cases so give looks just the right amount of importance
And indeed Allah is the healer and turner of hearts. Even the dead are promised resurrection, then why worry dear sis if a part of us is dead when we have the One who gives life to the dead. This is hope is the beacon for every believer that our Lord is the Most merciful and the Most Forgiving and no believer can despair for His mercy
Allah hafiz 🙂
Wa Alaikum Salaam Warahmatullah Sister ZR,
I wholeheartedly agree with everything you said, mashaAllah. I think we share the same idea. You are right about what you said regarding the heart and mind. The best way to help the heart is by having enough time for healing it, and the best way to do so is by strengthening the iman and building the levels of taqwa, in addition to correcting mistakes and making du'a and asking forgiveness from Allah. Doing so will inshaAllah, lead our hearts to be resurrected and live again through the light of yaqeen (certainty) (And I believe this is what SisterZahriya is working on. May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala assist her. Ameen!).
Through the eye of yaqeen, we can be able to comprehend the reality of people, in a way beyond what their physical appearances say, which will make it easy for us to determine who is worth for our love, and trustworthy to protect our heart and life. The true love in general, is about what the heart needs tomorrow, not what it wants today.
Sister ZR, May Allah SWT bless you with the best in this world and the hereafter. Ameen. I am very touched and appreciate your advice. They gave me hope. I kept thinking of your words "Even the dead are promised resurrection, then why worry dear sis if a part of us is dead when we have the One who gives life to the dead". This gives me hope. So much hope that my heart will heal.
JazakaAllah Kheirun
SisterZahriya
Waaleykoum Salaam,
Thank you for your advice and I like the way you incorporate Hadith, Quran and personal opinion. Deen is the number one aspect that I look for in a man, but part of me wants to feel the butterflies when next to him also aka chemistry. But that is where I get confused. Am I expected to feel the chemistry to know if he is the one (among other things)? or wait until after marriage because it is a known fact that Allah SWT places love in between spouses. Gauging from yours and many other responses; I think its best if I took a break with enough time to heal before forging forward into any marriage.
JazakaAllah Brother
SisterZahriya
AsSalaamu Alaikum SisterZahriya,
I understand what you mean by "part of you wants to feel the butterflies when next to him also aka chemistry"-lol, and of course you have the right to your preferences as long as they are halal.
In my understanding, there are two type of chemistry-feelings with regards to a male and a female:
1- The chemistry that is generated through the physical appearance (such as sexy body, strong body, 6 packs etc. Some of this part are natural, and some of it are attainable through working-out, using halal products and eating good).
2- The chemistry that is generated through the inner personality and good characters (such as honesty, loyalty, kindness, compassion, sense of humor etc. Some of this part are natural, and most of it are attainable through religious practices).
The latter is stronger than the former, due to its long-lasting's ability and developing nature. When you see two great lovers deeply in-love with each other (in their late age), know that the chemistry-feeling between them is a result of the inner personality and good characters, which developed and lasted for so long. For some people, the part that contains sense of humor is quickly revealed from the first meeting with them, and for others it may take many meetings or lifetime to be revealed or created (due to shyness or something). In this case, it would be your choice to decline the marriage proposal, or to at least consider the Deen side of the man, with the hope that things could change after marriage, inshaAllah. As for the part that contains kindness, compassion, honesty and loyalty, it needs to be approved first, before going into marriage with the man. This can be achieved through an investigation and a halal courtship with the help of your family.
In any case, If a man with a better physical appearance comes your way, say "Alhamdulillah" BUT make sure that his inner personality and characters are also strong and better than his physical appearance. However, my point is that, a man with an average or less-perfect physical appearance, who has a strong inner personality and good characters can also make you feel the butterflies when you are next to him. If the flaws concerning his physical appearance is attainable, marry him and then help him get the 6 packs for you-lol. Also,,, you can work-out together, you know-lol?
In fact, my philosophy is that nothing is impossible in this world, as many things could be created by us, if we learn how to create and then seek help from the Almighty Allah (since by the help of Allah, we were able to build technologies, cars, planes etc for easy communication and transportation, by the help of same Allah we can also build love, affection, attraction etc for our happiness, inshaAllah).
Anyway, I agree with you that you should take some time to heal before you proceed. That will help you recognize what is good and bad for you, inshaAllah.
May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala help you and be with you through the healing process. Ameen!!!
Salam brother Issah and sister Zahriya,
This is a very interesting theory or analogy of love. However I think love and marriage are very complicated issues. I always think attraction towards a persons outer appearance = lust. And attraction towards a persons character, personality and deen= love and respect and thinking about the hereafter ( I.e wanting a spouce that will help you in becoming a better muslim.)
But our mind does not always work the logical way. I agree that sister Zahriya you have to marry soneone that you are comftroble with in every way. Phisically and emotionally or else later on you may regret it or be interested in him or feel unfulfilled in the marriage. Thus will then cause problems between you and your husband. Although I don't care about phisical appearance it doesn't mean that everyone thinks like that.
The sad and unfair thing is that not everyone is preety or handsome. Nobody has control of their phisical appearance. You are either ugly, preety or average. No amount of makeup or body building will change your features on your face unless you have plastic surgery! Which is haram. So if someone is ugly its not their fault. And if someone is preety its not an achievement! Allah made us the way we are. We only have control of our minds. We can make our personality beautiful or ugly. But not our face! Allah only judges us by our hearts and our deen. So why do people judge people by their phisical appearance???
Im talking more about men then women. You often find in the asian community for a girl to be marriage material she has to be fair and preety! That's the most important thing. If shes average looking or ugly then shes an outcast! Shouldn't ugly people get married?
That attraction that we have for beautiful faces is not love. It's just lust! Which is temporary. Love is more lasting and which is not restricted to looks. As beauty fades away. Are the men going to divorce their wives once they become old and lose their preety face? Why should women be punished for being ugly when Allah was the one who decided their features. What crime have they done.
I am not ugly, but if someone married me for my looks I would feel very insecure. What will happen when I age is he going to divorce me? Beauty has a time restriction. Personality and character go beyond the grave.
When I saw a picture of my husband i was not attracted by him as I did not like his features. But When I met him a few times I felt the butterflies and extreme attraction to his character and personality. Then his looks became insignificant. It didnt matter how he looked. People often called us beauty and the beast. Lol. I can understand a handsome man looking for a preety girl and vice versa. But the situation nowadays is that even ugly men are looking for miss universe!
But I just find it very unfair why the priority for men in a marriage seems to be beauty, beauty and beauty. It is very sad for women who are not beautiful but really nice,loving good muslimas. Why are people so shallow. They will get bored with the looks after a couple of months. A lot of muslim women feel very insecure because of men only wanting beauties. There is competition and jealousy. Mother in laws comparing who is the preetiest daughter in law. It's so sad. My husband is a dark complexion. When I was pregnant i got so scared I was praying to Allah "that please let her be fair and preety or else nobody will Mary her" I became insecure and had these thoughts because of our shallow narrow asian society! They have turned me into a monster! I don't want to be like this.
So if you do not feel an inclination towards him maybe he is not the one for you! Or maybe you havnt gotten over the first guy. Don't worry there is plenty more fish in the sea!
You got it all right, mashaAllah.
I agree with you.
Perhaps some of them may say that the hadith mentioned "beauty" as well. But the truth about that hadith is that, the Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam) was ONLY informing us about what usually happens with regards to men's different preferences in choosing women for marriage, and then he said in the end that,"But" the best preference is to choose the woman based on her deen.
Assalamolaikum Sumaira ,
Masha Allah you have mentioned very good points and I agree with your Lust and Love definition .
I will say movies , TV serials and free semi nude advertisements have great influence on the people where people have started aiming for pretty women .
Allah hafiz
Assalam Aleykoum W.r W.b
To all my bothers and Sisters in Islam,
Truly Allah SWT is Great. I am thankful to you all for the advices provided. I am very thankful to have come to this site and with your advices I took my time to think things through and left the rest in Allah's SWT plans. Hence, it is with much pleasure to announce my upcoming marriage InshaAllah.
With all your advices provided I took it very seriously and was very straight forward with the brother letting him know that I will only give in with the intervention of our families. I became very adamant and refused further communication with him. The brother took his time too and when he came back to talk to me, he proposed to me and his family is now aware Alhamdulillah. We decided to get married before Ramadhan and InshaAllah use this blessed month of Ramadhan for the better.
I thank you all and ask you all to InshaAllah to keep me in your duas.
NB/ I think my post has been closed off because there was no way for me to post on it unless I replied to one of the posts on here. So I decided to use yours brother Issa since I was going to ask you about that list from another post somewhere on this site.
Brother Issah, may Allah reward you for your great advices and inputs. Your efforts is very much appreciated, JazakaAllah..... By the way, could you direct me to that list you were going to post on it? I lost the post and wasn't sure if you got a chance to post the list. May Alla SWT reward you for your efforts. Ameen.
May Allah SWT reward all the bothers and Sisters who provide great advices and also the editors for taking their time, knowledge and efforts to put this site together. I am one of many individuals who have benefited much from this site.
JazakaAllah Kheirun,
SisterZahriya
Assalam alaikum Sister Zahriya,
Congratulations on the announcement of your marriage! May Allah bring you and your future husband many joys in your life together, Ameen.
I am so happy to hear that you remained solid on your stand regarding communication prior to marriage--it is an example to all of us.
Again, Congratulations!
Wa3aleykoum Salaam Sister Saba,
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your support and ameen, ameen, ameen for your duas. 🙂
Part of me is in on cloud 9 the other is getting a cold feet. i wondered if I was rushing it. But I believe that Allah SWT is the best of planners and knows best.
JazakaAllah Kheirun Sister Saba
Your Sister in Islam Zahriya 🙂
Assalam alaikum Sister Zahriya,
It is natural to feel how you do--happiness and cold feet all at once!
Inn shaa Allah, everything will be fine. Put your trust in Allah, do your part by exhibiting the best of behavior and take what comes in stride. This is life, it has joys and hardships all bundled into one. I often say that it is because of the valleys that the mountains are so grand.
May Allah put endless mercy and love between you and your husband's heart in your marriage, Ameen.
Wa Alaikum Salaam Warahmatullah Wabarakaatuh Sister Zahriya,
Allahu Akbar, congratulations! I am really so glad and happy to hear this good news, Alhamdulillah and MashaAllah. I pray that Allah makes this brother, the source of your happiness and closeness to Allah. Ameen!
However, I still advise you my sister to keep up with your commitment till you get married in real, inshaAllah. Don't compromise by looking at the proposal. Remember that, it happened by the Grace of Allah, so be grateful to Him by making sure that your interactions with the brother will be within the islamic limits. By doing so, you have given thanks to Allah, and therefore He will increase you much from His bounties, inshaAllah... Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says: "And when your Lord proclaimed: "If you give thanks, I will grant you increase; but if you are ungrateful, My punishment (i.e. ceasing of the bounties) is severe."
(Quran 14:7)
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As for the list concerning the heart's journey to Allah, by crossing the spiritual stations of servitude ("iyyaaka na'budu wa iyyaaka nastaeen"),,, I am done with listing and translating the names from Arabic to English Alhamdulillah, however, I still need to add interpretations to each station inshaAllah. But for the meantime you may enjoy some of them below. I will post the rest soon, inshaAllah.
1- The station of awakening (Maqam al-yaqadha).
Imam ibn al Qayyims (may Allah be pleased with him) interpreted this station of awakening (Maqam al-yaqadha) in a better way, in his book, "Madrâjis as-Salikîn (i.e. ranks of the seekers of Allâh) among the stations of "iyyaaka na'budu wa iyyaaka nastaeen""
Please see his interpretation through the link below:
http://www.factway.net/vb/t4632.html
2- The station of meditation or reflection (Maqam at-tafakkur). This is done by looking at the signs and wonders of Allah in His creations and in yourself, in order to grasp the truth in them. Doing so leads the Salik (i.e. the seeker of Allah) to reach a level where the screen between him and the realities of iman will be lifted, and then he will start to see realities of iman through the light of yaqeen and basirah, which will lead him to make a sajdah (i.e. surrender) to Allah for the truth he saw; a sajdah (in his spiritual journey) in a way that, he won't raise his head till he enters jannah on the day of al-Qiyamah, inshaAllah.
3- The Station of insight or clear knowledge (Maqam al-basirah). It is a light that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala puts in the heart of the Salik (i.e. the seeker of Allah), to make him see the reality of what the messengers informed, in a way that he will feel as though he witnessed them with his real eyes. Also it will lead him to look at things, in addtion to Allah's names and His attributes in their realities, through the light of yaqeen and basirah.This leads him to where he cannot live without the realities he saw, due to the strong iman and taqwa, in addition to the light of yaqeen and basirah that have been gathered in his heart through that--he cannot feel happy living without abiding to the rules of Allah.
4- The station of determination (Maqam al-'azm).
5- The station of self-examination (Maqam al-muhasabah).
6- The station of repentance (Maqam at-tawbah).
7- The station of penitent or turning to Allah (Maqam al-inabah).
8- The station of recalling (Maqam at-tadhakur). This is a higher state of meditation, which is usually done by recalling what you grasped in the station of meditation/reflection (i.e. Maqam at-tafakkur).
9-The station of commitment (Maqam al-I'itiswaam). Which is done by adhering to the rules of Allah--Quran and Sunnah.
10- The station of Flee (Maqam al-firaar). This is to flee from other than Allah to Allah, and from the anger of Allah to His mercy and forgiveness.
11-The station of Listenening (Maqam as-sima'a). This done by listening to the commands of Allah with complete attention, and by looking at His signs to grasp the wisdom.
If you are sincere and have good intention through your listening, Allah will make you hear the wisdom and see the light of guidance, inshaAllah.
Looking at the signs of Allah through His creations and reflecting on them, helps the heart to listen and hear the wisdom of Allah in everything.
Sister, this is the link to the post you asked for
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/allah-is-not-helping-me/
I just found interpretation of some of the stations, by Imam ibn al-Qayyim (may Allah be pleased with him), translated in english. I am trying to translate some beautiful words by Imam Ibn al-Qayyim with regards to some of the stations, such as the station of love, and life and dhkr etc, inshaAllah
http://www.kalamullah.com/madarij-al-salikeen.html
http://www.scribd.com/mobile/doc/191097132/embed?access_key=key-23etucgyafwr18fhc2bi&width=360
http://www.scribd.com/doc/78937789/Madarij-as-Salikin
Thank you for the list and the link. JazakaAllah 🙂
SisterZahriya
SubhanAllah Br. Issah...your posts are always informative and a great asset of information.
Honestly, you are one of my best teachers on this site, mashaAllah. I truly learned and still do learn much from you. Jazakillahu Khair al-Jaza my Sister Saba.
Brother Issah, may Allah bless you for all that you do. Ameen.
However, I still advise you my sister to keep up with your commitment till you get married in real, inshaAllah. Don't compromise by looking at the proposal. Remember that, it happened by the Grace of Allah, so be grateful to Him by making sure that your interactions with the brother will be within the islamic limits.
There are reasons why we cross paths with people for they teach and remind us of lessons. The above input is the best MashaAllah and it came at a perfect time.That very same topic came up today between the brother and I. Alhamdulillah for fortifying my beliefs. I might have slipped and could have made a mistake. But Alhamdulillah Allah sent you at the right time for the great reminder. JazakaAllah.
May Allah SWT bless you for all that you do.
SisterZahriya
Alhamdulillah to know that it was helpful. May Allah continue to shower your life with happiness and bounties, and also continue to keep you steadfast. Ameen!
Salam sister Zahriya,
Masha Allah! And congratulations! Really happy to hear your good news!
May Allah bless you with a happy marriage, and may your husband be everything you wanted and more ( pius, faithful, loving etc etc).
It's a beautiful time when you get married and real romance and love start after marriage. So enjoy every moment!
JazakaAllah 🙂 Thank you for the duas and well wishes. 🙂 I really appreciate it.
Sister Zahriya
As salamu-alaykum Sister Zahriya!
Masha'Allah, that is such wonderful news; congratulations!! 🙂
It's inspiring to know what happy endings (or "beginnings" haha) can come out of sticking to the proper values of Islam and trusting Allah.
I pray for both of you to have a happy, wonderful, and blessed life of unity insha'Allah.
Congrats again; I'm really happy for you 🙂
Waaleykoum Salaam Sister Healing,
JazakaAllah for the well wishes and prayers. Ameen, Ameen, Ameen.
🙂
SisterZahriya
Dear Sister Zahriya,
I am very happy for you. Your story is truly inspirational. Many of us girls can relate to you. I believe nice girls do finish last and can be naive. I can attest to that. I admire you sister. You didn't give up and have put all your trust in Allah, and things happened in miraculous way.
May Allah (SWT) bless your marriage and bring both of you closer to him.
P.S.- It doesn't matter now but were you able to accept this new person's physical appearance (attraction and height)? I struggle with accepting people's physical appearance, if I don't feel any attraction and can't visualize myself with the guy.
Thank you Tami and JazakaAllah Kheir for the prayers. Ameen, ameen ameen 🙂
In answer to your question: To be honest, his features are very pleasant to me. Its just that when i used to compare him to my past, that is when my heart used to feel very heavy and anxious.
I use my sentence in the past only because i feel different now. I feel a very negative/detachment toward my past and cant stand him at all. I think this is a blessing from Allah SWT to help me move forward in my life without yearning for the haraam past.
As for my current feelings toward my fiance, its a steady pleasant feeling. In fact i get antsy when I dont hear from him, lol. This feeling of affinity intensified when/after he proposed to me.
So again in answer to your question is YES. I am very much over the fact that he is younger because he seems to be more mature than i. As for his height? I am learning to accept it and this seems to work really well because of the fact that he is at least 3inches taller.
All this is due to Allah SWT and I give all my praise and thanks to Him. I made lots of dua to Allah SWT in order to lighten my heart and allow me to be married to someone who will get me closer to Him and also a man who would be kind and loving toward me InshaAllah.
For this man to propose to me, I take it as a sign that this might be the one man that Allah SWT chose for me. Until Nikah takes place, Allah SWT knows best. 🙂
Alhamdulillah sister. Wishing you all the best. Ameen!
May Allah swt grant wishes to all the single sisters that are looking for righteous husbands with good character and taqwa.
I can somewhat relate to your story. It's been a month since things didn't work out with the guy I was talking with. I don't understand how a guy can show so much dedication to Islam but then break up with a girl so cowardly. I feel like I been played too. I been praying to Allah to help me move on and replace me with something better. It will be hard for me to forget the past until I meet someone soon inshAllah. Please pray for me.
MashaAllah Sister Zahriya, I am very happy with your response. That is an indication of being grateful to Allah subhahu wa ta'ala for anything that comes from him. May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala unite both you and the brother soon in marriage, and grant you delight in each other, and bless you with wonderful pious children, and make you a good example for the righteous. Ameen!
I am also glad to hear that you made a lot of du'as for this to happen. This is an indication of your love for Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, and an indication of you loving for the sake of Allah.
I advise you again my dear sister of three things:
1- You should continue building your levels of love for Allah and getting closer to Him more (you should do so together with your husband, inshaAllah), this will help you continue to love each other (during marital life) for the sake of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
2- You should never stop being grateful to Allah for everything. This is a secret key of success in every marital relationship.
3- You should never stop making du'a to Allah to continue to bless your marriage. Continue with the du'a just as you did, and Allah brought you to each other through His Mercy and Bounty. This is a secret key to joy in a successful marital life.
There is a du'a in the Holy Quran which you may benefit from inshaAllah. The du'a is: "Rabbana hab lana min azwaajina wa dhurriyaatina qurrata A`ayunin waj`alna li'l muttaqeena imaama" or "Our Lord, grant us delight in our spouses and our children, and make us a good example for the righteous"
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says:
(Quran 25: 74)
You can find many du'as from the Holy Quran through the below link.
http://www.oocities.org/mihraab786/Q_Pr.html
Asslam Aleykoum Sister Tami,
I am so sorry for the late reply. However I wanted to add that, I really feel what you are saying. When a man can deceive a woman to a point where he creates false hopes in her, then cowardly breaks off with her then know that he was never a true practicing brother.
Say Alhamdulillah that Allah SWT protected you from such a deceptive person. Also know that, by the will of Allah SWT and with time, you will get over him. It will hurt when you remember but it will also be possible to move on InshaAllah.
I pray that Allah SWT protects us from such evil people and may Allah SWT heal your heart. Ameen
JazakaAllah Brother Issa
Every insight and words of advice that you provide are very much appreciated and Wallah I take them very seriously. Alhamdulillah, my relationship with Allah SWT is in progress as everyday is a struggle to get closer and closer to Him. 🙂
Alhamdulillah, and may Allah SWT bless us all for our good intentions. Ameen.
SisterZahriya
Why Nice Guys Finish Last (and Nice Gals Too)!
The first step to seeing this clearly is to temporarily put aside any frustration and bitterness. If you are reading this, you probably have a story of your own to tell. You may have been treated badly. You might have been picked over for someone who seemed clearly inferior to you. Why would "your guy" go for that high-maintenance, promiscuous woman? Why would "your gal" dump you for that unemployed felon?
1) Nice People Do Not Make Their Partners Invest
When we do nice things for others, we invest in them and the relationship. Those investments of time, effort, and money tend to build up over time. Those investments also make us feel that our date or mate is valuable, that we love them, and we are committed to that relationship. This is called the principle of "sunk costs". Doing favors for others and treating them well, leads us to value and love them.
However, the reverse is not true. The receiver of good treatment does not always feel love for the giver. In fact, they may feel manipulated, burdened, or just generally ungrateful. Love cannot be bought or earned.
Given that, whoever is doing the favors will fall in love. But, whoever is receiving the favors probably will not fall in love. The person that invests feels love. The person receiving the investment may not feel anything. Get the picture?
Nice folks are on the losing end of this deal. They do all of the "doing". They are the ones waiting on their partner, doing good deeds, buying gifts, paying for meals, etc. As a result, they have a lot of love (sunk costs) for their date or mate. But, their partner has not invested. They have not given a thing. So, they are not at all in love or committed.
Contrast this with the demanding bad boy or diva... They are always making demands and requests of a partner. They require being pampered, waited on, and appeased. They make their partners INVEST. So, their partners have a ton of sunk costs. Thus, their partners fall in love with them and feel committed.
Moral of the story—don't be "nice" and do everything. Make your partner invest in you and the relationship too. Remember, when they DO FOR YOU, is when they fall in love. If they refuse to invest in the relationship, however, then they may never love you back.
2) Nice People Reward Bad Behaviour
People learn from the consequences of their behaviour. When they perform a behaviour and are rewarded, they tend to do the same thing again. In contrast, when they perform a behaviour and are punished, they tend to shy away from that behaviour in the future. Pretty simple...
Well, nice people tend to treat their dates and mates very well. All the time. EVEN, when they don't deserve it. No matter how a partner is treating them, the nice person will continue to treat them well.
The nice person often "thinks" that such good treatment will one day be recognized. That it will snap the partner out of their bad behaviour. Turn the other cheek and all that. But, they fail to recognize what they are TEACHING their partner by treating them well under all conditions.
In essence, by being nice all the time, they are rewarding their partner for bad behaviour. If you cook him dinner on the nights he disrespects you, then you have rewarded and encouraged that behaviour to continue. If you take her out on the nights she is grumpy and nagging, you have ensured that she will do it again.
Not-so-nice people have better boundaries. They only reward partners when they earn those rewards. They also ignore partners when they are disrespectful or bad. This teaches dates or mates what they will and will not tolerate. It lets them know what is expected of them.
As a result, nice people get walked all over. By being nice all the time, they actually encourage others to treat them badly. They reward those who mistreat them and make the behaviour more likely in the future. If they were selective in their rewards—and occasionally withholding—they would receive better treatment in return. They would also be more respected by others.
3) Nice People Are Too Available
We all have mental shortcuts that help in our decision-making. One of these shortcuts is the rule of scarcity. Generally, we believe whatever is scarce, or requires work to obtain, is valuable. Whatever is easy to get, or common, is probably cheap. While this is not always true, it is true enough of the time that it becomes a common, unconscious assumption. It is applied to everything...even people.
Unfortunately for nice people, they are anything but scarce. They are eager to please. They are always agreeable to dropping their life and rushing over to their date or mate. They make time, dote, acquiesce, and try to be as convenient and easy as possible.
Their hope is that this behaviour will lead to gratitude and respect. By making themselves available to a partner and removing inconveniences, they hope to make love easier. Instead, however, they come off as needy, get taken for granted, and become overlooked. In other words, they are the opposite of scarce and hard to earn. So, all of the available behaviour actually makes them seem low value and worthless.
The bad boy or diva, in contrast, is always "hard to get". They are never available, always cancelling plans, and make lovers do things their way. They do nothing but neglect and inconvenience their lovers. Yet, their lovers find them alluring, tempting, and attractive (much to the confusion of "nice" folks).
Nevertheless, the bad boys and divas are scarce. That scarcity makes them SEEM valuable. Their unavailability and breaking plans makes them look confident and important. Making others work to earn their time gives the illusion that their time is valuable. Having to drop everything to steal a moment with them makes others appreciate the time they are "given". It is the illusion of scarcity.
Given that, nice people would do well to inconvenience their lovers once in a while. They would benefit from being scarce. They would look a little more valuable if they didn't drop everything to be at their lover's beck-and-call. If they were a little harder to get, their lovers would find them more enticing.
Sister you probably were very nice to your ex-boyfriend and he broke your heart in the end, now this guy is nice to you,so are you trying to switch roles and getting in your ex-boyfriends shoes and want to hurt this guy like your ex did to you?.
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
“If there comes to you one whose religious commitment and attitude pleases you, then marry [your female relative who is under your care] to him, for if you do not do that, there will be tribulation on earth and much corruption.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Sunan al-Tirmidhi, 1084).
Salam,
Masha Allah. This is so true! . Nice people always get treated badly by their spouces and their love taken advantage of! We don't relize untill its too late!
Thanks for that piece.
Interesting! I was curious about how you came up with this... Was it a book, or just life observations.
Source : http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201211/why-nice-guys-and-gals-finish-last-in-love
Assalam Aleykoum Brother J,
I was. I was too nice to him (to the point that I am embarrassed to say that it may sound like I am blowing my own trumpet). He took me for granted Wallah. It didn't start out that way though. I didn't and still don't believe in dating and when this brother (ex) first approached me, I blew him off. It took him at least a year to break my walls. The second year I was basically hooked line and sinker. The third year? His true colors showed yet I was very much blinded (or just covered my eyes and didn't want to see the truth). You summarized so well and it hit a nerve (in a positive way). Everyday is a learning lesson for me. JazakaAllah for your input.
SisterZahriya
wa'alikumusalaam.. u know most of the love marriages r failure, if u married to ur ex, ur life wud b one of them. u r 32 now, I tell u settle down as soon as u can, but marry some1 of ur choice. if u don't like short man, and not a handsome man, don't get marry to this new guy. at the same time u look in to ur self, u r no longer young, and ur relationship with some1. The first thing is, u hav to blv in Allah, u jst give everything to God, he'll solve every problem of u , for dat u namaz (salat) 5 timess, in the correct time, ask for forgivness, give zakath, also u had hav miss ur salat and fasting b4, now hav to do dat salat and fasting, other wise u may not get answer to ur question.. wish u all the best, hav a gud day..
Dear sister Zahriya ,
My suggestion for you is to take more time as you need to come out completely from past experience as it seems you are still having previous relation ship effect .
What i can see here in your case that looks are very important for you and already you have formed a negative mindset for that boy . So DON'T MARRY him.
Be honest to your self .SEX is very important factor in any marriage and if you don't find him attractive then it will be difficult to get satisfaction ..
There are people with strong faith and who will be fine with whatever comes in their life but i don't think this will work out in your case ..
Allah hafiz
MashaAllah Brother Cool! I agree with all what you said as you have really made a good point, except this line that I do not agree completely (...if you don't find him attractive then it will be difficult to get satisfaction ..).
I think it will depend on the man. If he is good and can treat his wife psychologically and emotionally well, then she will definitely find sexual satisfaction in him alone - that's the nature of women (I think), they can enjoy everything with the man who treats them well regardless of his appearance (they may enjoy men's physical appearance for something else, but not for sexual satisfaction necessarily). If the man is very attractive and he can't treat them well emotionally and psychologically, then they likely may not desire to have sex with him at all, let alone to find sexual satisfaction in him.
In my personal opinion, the most important thing in a spouse, is the personality that has the ability to stay and make us live a happy life after the lack of everything.
Assalam Aleykoum
That is so beautifully put. I agree with your opinion. Kindness and Loyalty is very important to me in a person's character.
SisterZahriya
Dear Brother Issah ,
Just wanted to check are you married or single ? 🙂 Because most of your posts seems to be HAPPY HAPPY Ending kind of 🙂
My suggestion to her is based on her preference as she likes tall and smart guys .
Most of people say i am religious , i am and so and so but when real test comes they will FAIL .
Here most of issues of sisters are about bad guys coming their life and hurting them emotionally so their conclusion is they will prefer good and religious guys over looks . ..
Ok Assume that Some women have got good and descent guys but do you think problem is solved ? I don't think so ..They might be cribbing about other issues like finance , or looks or status,satisfaction etc etc ... Marriage is not easy for average people(Most of the time) ..People with great Taqwa/Imaan will handle it properly compare to average Muslims ...
Allah hafiz
AsSalaamu Alaikum Brother Cool.
Yes of course, I am married to a wonderful and beautiful practicing Muslimah, mashaAllah. The real intention for both of us was to marry someone for the sake of Allah, and then we found something beyond our thoughts, Alhamdulillah. My wife and I are engaged in advising others to follow such paths for success, inshaAllah. So when we speak about focusing on the deen and good characters of the person, we really mean it, and it really works when you do it for Allah.
I completely agree with that statement. That is true, and it's all what I'm about.
Asl Alk Br Issah,
Please see the reply below. I clicked on the reply button but I think it linked to my own post and not yours. However the good thing is that it posted right below yours. Hope I am making sense. I just didn't want want you to miss the post as I would really appreciate your input on it. JazakaAllah.
SisterZahriya
Assalam Aleykoum BrotherCool and Brother Issa,
I just have to clarify a couple of things.The statements:
"My suggestion to her is based on her preference as she likes tall and smart guys". And
"If the flaws concerning his physical appearance is attainable, marry him and then help him get the 6 packs for you"
....Ok the latter one is a joke, I get it ( and I lol when I read it). But I must say that these are not my preferences. These are physical aspects that my brain kept conjuring up in comparing the two men. Had I met the short guy first I believe I would have felt the same confusion and start comparing in reverse.
(And by the way BrotherCool, you got it the other way around. The tall one is not as smart as the short one).
NB/6 packs is not attractive to me personally; a man who spends hours in the gym everyday trying to attain those six packs to attract girls is just a bit too vain for my tastes. Wallah I would prefer a man who wears glasses, nerdy and reads a lot; as to me that tells me his hours are spent constructively (useful and halaal material of course). 🙂
JazakaAllah to all,
Sister Zahriya
Wa Alaikum Salaam Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatuh Sister Zahriya,
lol...Yes, that was just a joke to make you (my sister) smile a little. Smiling is another way of healing you, know?! Though the word "flaws" isn't appropriate as I do not believe that there is a flaw in Allah's creation at all, Astaghfirullah. It could have been better if I said it this way "If your concern about his physical appearance is something attainable...". But of course I know height is not attainable, so I replaced it with six packs lol.
If this is the case, then it does not seem like the height or the age is the issue. It seems like having enough time to get over the past, and then seeing the new brother in his reality would be the best solution, inshaAllah. May Allah help you Sister. Ameen!
AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister Zahriya,
Since you mentioned in one of your recent posts that it doesn't matter how many advice you receive, I intended to complete the point I was making concerning your statement.
It seems like your heart was fixate on the first guy wholeheartedly, and you felt like he was really everything you needed, and therefore you dedicated your love for him emotionally with much hope in him. So when he got married and the relationship ended (without you initiating it or being emotionally ready for it), you accepted it physically (but not emotionally), so his image got stuck in your mind psychologically, which made part of you wants to replace him with a new man who possesses the same physical appearance. So this means that the height is really not what you want in a man, neither is it part of your real preferences. You only feel that way because part of you is still with the first guy emotionally.
However, one of the things that could also help you forget the man emotionally is to practice to get rid of him psychologically. I mean you should learn to stop thinking about him, or fantasizing about having someone who is like him in appearance. Replace that with everyday thoughts and du'as about having a pious Muslim man in the future who possesses (on your heart's list) bunch of akhlaq, which the first guy lacks. I think this could also help in some way, inshaAllah.
Also, Alhamdulillah to know that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is with you and is guiding you through Istikhara. Also, it's good to know that you have concluded on taking some time to heal. However, another concern is about your way of interaction with the men who ask for your hands in marriage. You mentioned something like "going to outing", and I take that as being alone with a man somewhere away from your family. If this is what it means, then I'd suggest that you change that way, and then let your interaction with any new man in the future be close to where your family (mahram) can see both of you. Doing so has a lot of benefits for you, especially when you want to know which man is real and sincere in his intention for marriage.
When you go to outing alone with a man, it may take a long time to discover whether he is serious or not, as he might be thinking of having physical and emotional relationship together before marriage, while your intention would be the contrary. So instead of spending a lot of times in outing before discovering the man's real intention, you should engage in only meetings that are close to where your family or mahram can see you. Chances are that if the man continues coming without complaining or asking for outing, he might be sincere and ready for halal marriage.
Assalam Aleykoum Brother Issa,
I totally agree with your view. My father passed away (Allahu-yar7amo) 10 years ago. My brothers live in a different state. I have my sisters (married) and my mother here close to me. I am very shy to talk to my brother in laws about this (especially one of them who is very culturally ingrained and bringing a man to the family would mean to him that I have to marry him); my other brother in law is someone who instills good islamic perspectives and easy to talk to (but I am still shy). I always tell my Sisters and my Mother about the man who I am corresponding with for marriage. One of my sisters (the same one I talk to the most and the same one I am close to and the same one whose husband is culturally ingrained) told me that it is important that I see the guy a couple of times until the guy makes the decision himself and decides to meet my family before I take the initiative to ask him to see my family. I agreed with her analogy but only for a short while because it didnt work for me. The vibes that I am getting from this current man is one who is not ready for marriage. Below is a re-post where I was telling Sister Sila how my Istikhara went and please let me know what you think.
Like I mentioned in one of my replies (I think it was to Sister Hawaa and I can go a little in details here); is that after making sincere Istikhara (with yaqeen), this brother and I have not been in touch. I made a very sincere Istikhara one before our last outing. And two after the outing. On that last outing, I brought up the seriousness of the subject aka marriage and reminded him that I have no intentions of continuing with seeing him as this could lead us to dating. I reminded him that it has been approximately a month and asked what his next step was? (Of course it was said in a pleasant demeanor) and his answer was that he didn’t mind and stated that he was very much interested. But then this brother then just disappeared on me.
Three days after our outing and his silence, I took the initiative to call and even more, I made the offer to see him (mind you I was never the one to call or text often). He said ok. He still kept silent and didn’t call nor text for 7days. On the day we were supposed to go out, we exchanged a few texts (which I initiated) and that day everything ended. We didn’t make it to our outing and that was the last time we ever communicated. So I knew it was over yet it didn’t hurt Alhamdulillah. So I let go, and Alhamdulillah my post got submitted and with the advices given I felt reassured and even from what I felt deep inside me is that; I just felt right about everything.
Then he calls me out of the blue about two days ago, (I didn’t know it was him because I had deleted him from my phone). He never brought up the subject again and I didn’t either. He talked nonsensical things BUT in my heart I was done. This man shows no signs of a man who wants to get married. Once beated twice shy. A lesson learned Alhamdulillah. I didn’t want to be rude, so I let him be the one to end the phone conversation.
He disappeared again and then just this morning I saw two miss calls and a text from late last night (I was already asleep) asking me how I was doing. This is unacceptable to me and I do not want to encourage him to play these silly games that people play when they want to just date. He is proving more and more to me that he is not serious. Alhamdulillah I saw your post before I could reply to him. Then I replied this morning to his text stating that it is time that he apporaches my family and if he thinks/feels that he is not ready then I would completely understand if we stopped our communication. I even stressed on the fact that I do not want to date. I have never been this assertive before with the ex and I feel very confident Alhamdulillah that I am doing the right thing. And after reading your reply to my post again and again, I feel even more reassured that I did the right thing, InshaAllah. His answer will tell me exactly what his thoughts are. And Allah SWT knows best.
What do you think?
Wa Alaikum Salaam Sister Zahriya,
Well, what I see is that, you really did the right thing, mashaAllah. There is always good in being smart and assertive in issues like this, especially when you are an emotional woman. Now the final decision will depend on his reaction. If he has any good intention, he would see the guidance in your response to his text, and then come to see your family soon. But if he did not have any good intention, he might want to give some excuses or at least try to meet your family for couple of times to make you believe that he is sincere, which may make you start to trust him emotionally (if this happens do not trust him nor agree to go outing with him until he marries you in reality, inshaAllah).
Speak to your biological brothers about him and let them talk to him on phone and meet him sometimes (the logic thing in this is that, men know themselves very well). From now on, whenever he wants to meet you, it should be in your home where your mother or/and sisters can see both of you. Also, if your brother in-law (the one who instills good Islamic perspectives) can volunteer to investigate about the man (about his deen and akhlaq) , that would be nice too, inshaAllah. You do not need to ask him this yourself. Let your sister talk to him about it.
MashaAllah, you have many good people around you that can help you, so you are really strong. It's time to let any man understand that you have support from your family, lest they take you for granted. Chances are that if a man knows that he will have to go all the long way to meet your family before he could have you, he will definitely make his decision from the beginning without wasting time.
This is all I have for you now my sister, until we hear from the man's reaction to your response to his text, inshaAllah.
Assalam Aleykoum Brother Issah,
On a follow up from your last post;
until we hear from the man's reaction to your response to his text, inshaAllah.
Well he has proven to me that he wants to "get to know me first". He insisted on seeing me without my family being involved. I totally refused. Then he asked me to compromise and talk over the phone for at least a month. His reason being that once he involves family, then that would mean that he wont be able to change his mind for fear of hurting/embarrassing me. I gave him that chance of 1 month over the phone (Personally I dont see how we can learn anything about a person in a month let alone over the phone; My main aim was to involve a mahram while we talk and interact as that would be more appropriate). But after a week of another "nonsensical" texts of nothingness, I GAVE UP. I told the brother that I cant do it and broke it off. I don't think I am ready to get involved with someone who is in a different phase of life. InshaAllah I want to heal. May Allah SWT make it easy on me. Ameen.
SisterZahriya
Wa Alaikum Salaam my Sister Zahriya,
I am proud of you for the path you have taken, and I hope that others will learn from your confidence and assertiveness, in addition to your carefulness and smartness, inshaAllah. Those are strong personalities that are in any woman despite her emotional and compassionate nature. Recognizing them in yourself, is what makes you strong and brave, and makes you achieve your heart's desire with ease and with less-pain, inshaAllah.
A religious man with a good intention to marry you should not feel confortable talking to you without your mahram. He should be ashamed that you are teaching him the proper Islamic way of courtship, and he is making excuses for a haram dating. Where is the respect for a precious Muslimah?
InshaAllah, Allah will ease the healing proccess on you, and grant you success and rectitude. "And that would not be difficult for Allah." (Quran 35: 17)
JazakaAllah Brother Issah,
It easens my heart to know that what I did is good. I was at a constant waswasa and it was amplified by my Sisters who both thought that I was not giving this guy a chance at all. But deep in my heart I felt ill at ease whenever we talk on the phone or text because I didnt feel assured by this brother. So when I broke it off this time, I felt immense waswasa as opposed to the first time when I broke it off (my heart was at peace). Alhamdulillah, I am glad to know that what I did is good. Allah SWT knows my intentions and He knows best.
SisterZahriya
Sister Zahriya, there is nothing to worry about as long as you are doing the right thing. You prayed Istikhara and then followed the right path, and then Allah decreed what He decreed. When you get healed and ready, inshaAllah He will guide to you what He Has decreed for you, be it this man or a better man, inshaAllah."...He who practices piety and patience-Allah never fails to reward the righteous." (Quran 12: 90)
I agree too. Kindness and compatibility is extremely important for woman. And for men is physical appearance and compatibility.
Its great how most of the sisters here are not reprimanding the hurt sister for her un-Islamic relationship, and also not telling her that looking at physical aspects is what got her in trouble the last time.
Sister, please be happy and satisfied that this man likes you and accepts you for who you are, especially since you are older to him and as you would know, us men want younger women.
Be satisfied, and know in your heart, what Allah wills for you is in your best interest.
Of course it is only natural to compare looks...( when women say looks dont matter..thats' a bucket of rum i say) but like i said...please be satisfied.
May Allah ease your pain and help you come over your grief.
Assalam 3aleykoum W.r W.b
Brother Issa, Brother J and Brother Aziz, and I think Cool is also a brother and they are men, yet Al7amdulillah, their advice was filled with great advice and warmth. JazakaAllah to all my brothers and sisters. I didn't ask to be reprimanded, I asked for an advice from all of you. My sins are my burden and if you read closely I stated how much I am struggling with my relationship with Allah SWT. That is between me and my Creator. I came here to move forward and not look back. But none the less, JazakaAllah for your input.
Assalaamualaikam
The reason I didn't emphasise the need for repentance is that having read SisterZahriya's contributions to the site, my impression of her character is that she is a practising Muslimah and recognises the importance of tawbah. Her post states that she is already taking steps to strengthen her faith with Allah, and that she is trying to make positive changes in her life.
You are right, that repentance is important - all of us need to repent for our transgressions in life.
Although not all men want younger women - The Prophet himself (peace be upon him) was younger than Khadija (may Allah be pleased with her) and their marriage was very successful indeed. If two people are compatible, a couple of years age difference isn't really a huge deal.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
I do not agree that all men want younger women. It's all about compatibility between the two and their preferences. Some prefer to go it the Khadija-way and others prefer the Aisha-way. However, SisterZahriya's situation looks pretty much the same as the Zainab-way (she was 60 while he was 56 during the marriage contract). We all have our different halal preferences and the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) gathered all preferences for a purpose.
"You have an excellent example in (the life of) the Messenger of Allah; for anyone who seeks Allah and the Last Day, and remembers Allah frequently." (Quran 33: 21)
Salam sister Zahriya,
Everyone's given you great advice. I would just like to add that it does take a long time to get over someone who may have once loved or been emotionally close with. But instead of remembering their charms which made you fall for them in the first place, remember why you broke up and his bad characteristics which has caused you so much pain! What is the point of a person who is attractive on the outside but ugly on the inside?
Wouldn't it then be better to have a person who is posses beautiful manners and noble characteristics, but he may be ugly outside? True beauty glows from within from a persons personality and character. In the end we all turn to dust what will be left of this beauty?
Main thing is do not think about what others will say or think. I understand how stereotypical views that our asian community holds. Men and their mothers always looking for the young and beautiful girls. Do not become a slave to the asian community's norm of women and marriage. There is no age restriction in marriage. Do not rush to get married out of desperation because you think you are getting old! Your are still young sister. I remember in another post you said you looked like a teenager. So you even look younger so why the stress?
Get married in your own time, when you are emotionally ready. Pius intelligent men who marry for Allahs sake will not look at these shallow things such as age and beauty. they will not look at you as a show piece but as a human being. They will be attracted by your character and personslity and deen. I have seen some good sisters who have married younger handsome men and they are all very happy!
So sister follow your heart. Whatever you do, do it for yourself and not to please others. Do ishtikara and wait for a sign from Allah take your time. It is important that you feel comftroble with his character and looks. Nobody is perfect. Everyone dreams of the perfect spouce but that's only in Jannat. In this world we should seek someone we can get along with and work together and compromise with. And be happy with them! So think hard whether you can settle with him and accept his flaws. It's your call wheather you can see yourself with him.
May Allah bring you the peace your looking for soon. Xx
MashaAllah, that's an excellent advice...and Ameen!
Waaleykoum Salaam,
Thank you Sumaira. That was truly warm and touching. JazakaAllah Kheir.
SisterZahriya
Assalamu Alaikum My Dear Sister,
I am deeply sorry to hear about your struggles. Take your time and do not rush into anything. Don't settle, and if this guy is in your destiny, then it will happen when you are ready. As you know, I absolutely know what you are going through, and I am quite amazed that we share some of the same similarities. (However, my issues are much more complicated, disgusting, shameful and demoralizing.) I pretty much sold my soul to the devil and ignored Allah's guidance and life directions from the Quran. I got near zina and it engulfed me like heroin. And I know why Allah's advice wasn't not to do zina, but to not even go near it. And at times (to this day) understand why stoning to death is the punishment of zina, because for me when I tried stopping the haram stuff nothing would give, I would go right back to it, because it has some type of powerful magnetic attraction that nothing could stop it's force. I thought my only solution was the hadd punishment. I tried talking to imam's anonymously over phone, tried counseling, anti-depressants, ruqyahs, getting part-time jobs, love addiction workshops, volunteering at Sunday School, bayyinah courses, watched just about every mufti menk video and nouman ali khan's video, read all of yasmin mogahed books and articles and posts... Nothing gave in, then finally I just stopped everything, including this site and focused on my daily prayers, quran in moderation and tahajud prayers (occasionally), zikr in moderation, and in 8 years this is the best I have ever felt, alhumdullilah.
I never expected that I would have been capable of doing the things that I did. I used to judge others who even flirted with the opposite sex, and I wouldn't even want to be in the same company as them. To this day when I read some of the posts on ask bilqis I have to stop myself from judging them, because now I totally understand how Shaitan can temp absolutely anyone, even the most righteous.
I accept that I will never be 100% again and I will die with this special feeling for this other person in my heart, but that other person is definitely haram on me. And maybe this is my test of fear and hunger...2:155 And I know with all my heart as long as I fight my desire beast and am steadfast toward Allah, he will ease my pain and reward me with something much better, because Allah swt is greater...(Allahuakbar).
One of my biggest turning points is when I read this from one of my workshop's readings:
People often ask me “When does desire turn into addiction?” It is at the moment you let your mind believe that only one particular person can satisfy your needs. This is an erroneous idea fed to you by your “dis-ease.” As you have come to realize, when you allowed yourself to become fixated on this one man who “has to love your or you will die,” you became a full-blown love addict. I encourage you to reverse this process. First, remind yourself as often as you can that there is never just one person in the world to love. There is ALWAYS someone new to love if we are open to this. Keep telling yourself this until the day comes when you really understand and believe it. Your obsession will not make this easy. The addicted mind wants to stay addicted. It is the heart that aches to be free.
Once your fixation on one particular person is broken, begin telling yourself the truth about other things. For instance, if you have been “broken” by your childhood or your addiction, no other person can fix you. We all fix ourselves with the help of a Higher Power. Others can satisfy us, love us, enhance our life, bring us happiness—but they cannot fix us.
May we all be guided by Allah, and take seriously what he has advised us in the holy Quran.
Lisa, Assalam Aleykoum,
I can hear the pain you are going through, through your words. At one point I was in so much pain, I literally fell on my knees begging Allah SWT for help. That happened around the same time after I heard he was getting married. But I couldn't continue like that and even though I am not fully healed, I have to admit that by the Grace of Allah SWT the pain is not as excruciating as before. So Sister Lisa, don’t give this person so much power. Have faith in Allah SWT and His powers. Also, stop putting yourself down with saying things like ", my issues are much more complicated, disgusting, shameful and demoralizing". Don’t put yourself so low because you are killing your self-will. You are killing yourself by your own self-destructive words. You are killing any hope left in you to pull yourself out of the dark hole.
Do not lose hope Sister Lisa, Allah answers the prayer of the disbeliever who is in distress; so how much more can the Muslim expect who doesn't associate partners with Him? Sub7anaAllah
{And that there is not for man except that [good] for which he strives and that his effort is going to be seen – then he will be recompensed for it with the fullest recompense.} (Surah An-Najm 53:39-40)
So strive in any way you can Sister Lisa and get out of the dark hole and please stop barraging yourself. Leave the barraging part to Allah SWT (Because we know how Merciful Allah SWT is and how much Allah SWT loves us) and work hard in forgiving yourself. Find any method to heal. InshaAllah all will be well.
Thank you for responding to my post. I hope and pray that you find solace and also advice from the brothers and sisters who have been immensely helpful. May Allah SWT make it easy for you, me and all those in similar test. Ameen
SisterZahriya
Sister Lisa remember this ayah and reflect on it InshaAllah,
(And whoever does evil or wrongs himself but afterwards seeks Allah's Forgiveness, he will find Allah Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful) (Qur'an 4: 110)
Jazakallah Khair for your advice. But as for my past, if you only knew. I'm seeking lots of forgiveness from Allah tho. So hopefully inshallah Allah will ease my pain and reward me with something better. I made some wrong choices and now I'm paying the consequence of them. But inshallah as for you I hoe you find:
And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: Verily in that are signs for those who reflect. (Quran 30:21)
Ameen Ya Rabb, Ameen.
JazakaAllah,
SisterZahriya
Sis,
I can fully understand your situation as I am also 32. It feels you are getting old a year every passing day. First You have to stop thinking about ur ex. If u keep mourning about him you will find fault in every potential partner you will meet. I am sure your ex was not perfect and think about the way he hurt you. I suggest don't rush your self into any decision . Take your time and don't over think. InshaAllah Allah will show you correct path just have faith in him.
Thank you Dina10,
I will take my time and heal InshaAllah. JazakaAllah for your input.
SisterZahriya
Assalam u alaikum dear sister,
The moment i was going through your post it reminded me of myself ...i was like she is in the same shoes ...MashaALLAH there r so many brothers and sisters to help u n advise u in best possible way ...plz consider mine as well because this one is coming from a person who has experienced sumthing common only minus the ex part and the istikhara part ...
Long story short ,i said same things regarding appearances about this guy who asked my hand in a marriage proposal through proper channel from my family , my family was very furious with me and told me that this is not a reason good enough to say no ,because honestly he wasn't thAt bad and i myself felt bad and guilty over giving such excuses ...i don't know sumthing didn't feel right ...i did istikhara but even got more confused....so what i did ... I let go off of all these thoughts n overcame my immorality ..i said yes to this proposal and got engaged to him ....After comitting to him i tried to get involved in the relationship ,even the guy was very committed...but sum-thing kept on pinching me inside ...and that feeling turned out to be real...sumthing was really not right and the relationship ended up very badly ...all i was left with was a bigger guilt ...
So dear sister these feelings that u have for this proposal might b just a projection of your gut feeling ,so don't over think about it just seek help from ALLAH by performing namaz e istikhara ,don't wait any further because your decision involves not only your life but also his ....now my real advise is to perform istikhara the correct way because only then can u come up with a solution otherwise u will get more confuse ...like i did ... start your research on it now dear !
Regarding ur ex ,he is just your past , remember don't try to put a question mark where ALLAH has put a full.stop 🙂
Everything heals with time ,just giv it time .
And MashaALLAH u r a religious person u will deal with it soon enough InshaALLAH ....
May ALLAH guide u to opt whAt is best for u ..ameen
Waaleykoum Salaam Sister Sila,
Thank you very much for the advice. It doesn’t matter how many advices I receive. I read each one of them as if with the thirst of one who is bereft of water. And I appreciate each one of them. In fact I am taking notes and guess what I have come to find out in conclusion? Each one of the advices provided has given me the affirmation of which deep down I felt the same. That is; take my time to heal before rushing myself. So Alhamdulillah!
Like I mentioned in one of my replies (I think it was to Sister Hawaa and I can go a little in details here); is that after making sincere Istikhara (with yaqeen), this brother and I have not been in touch. I made a very sincere Istikhara one before our last outing. And two after the outing. On that last outing, I brought up the seriousness of the subject aka marriage and reminded him that I have no intentions of continuing with seeing him as this could lead us to dating. I reminded him that it has been approximately a month and asked what his next step was? (Of course it was said in a pleasant demeanor) and his answer was that he didn’t mind and stated that he was very much interested. But then this brother then just disappeared on me.
Three days after our outing and his silence, I took the initiative to call and even more, I made the offer to see him (mind you I was never the one to call or text often). He said ok. He still kept silent and didn’t call nor text for 7days. On the day we were supposed to go out, we exchanged a few texts (which I initiated) and that day everything ended. We didn’t make it to our outing and that was the last time we ever communicated. So I knew it was over yet it didn’t hurt Alhamdulillah. So I let go, and Alhamdulillah my post got submitted and with the advices given I felt reassured and even from what I felt deep inside me is that; I just felt right about everything.
Then he calls me out of the blue about two days ago, (I didn’t know it was him because I had deleted him from my phone). He never brought up the subject again and I didn’t either. He talked nonsensical things BUT in my heart I was done. This man shows no signs of a man who wants to get married. Once beated twice shy. A lesson learned Alhamdulillah. I didn’t want to be rude, so I let him be the one to end the phone conversation.
So Alhamdulillah I am taking my time to heal, because I can feel that my heart is not at peace. InshaAllah with all the advices provided, I will take time to reflect and use any means to heal.
JazakaAllah Kheirun
SisterZahriya
As-salamu alaykum Waramatoullahi Wabarakatouh SisterZahriya,
I’m not very active in commenting on this site as of yet, but I’ve read your post and was also reading up on all the follow-up comments/replies. Masha’Allah so many have given you such encouraging and excellent advice, I truly hope and pray that it is of benefit to you. I don’t have much advice to give myself, but just wanted to let you know that, as I’ve been reading all of the above, you’ve come off to me as a confident and inspirational woman masha’Allah; what I mean is that you’ve gone through emotional pain etc. but instead of focussing on that, you’ve been on such a journey of self-improvement and learning; your most recent steps towards dealing with the man who wanted to keep texting before involving his family or talking over the phone for a month etc., were smart and assertive.
I wanted to let you know that I’ll remember you in my prayers; may Allah make any of your difficulties easier as well as anyone else’s who may be in similar situations. Ameen. And may you truly love someone one day insha’Allah, whom will help pave your way towards Jannah 🙂
P.S. I know this wasn’t really “advice” of any sort perhaps, but just wanted to encourage you to keep going strong, Sister 🙂 Also, the online book “Don’t be Sad” that you shared on another post of yours elsewhere is really helpful, I’ve just started to read a bit of it every day insha’Allah. Thank you for that!
Waaleykoum Salaam Warahmatoullahi Wabarakatouh,
Sister Healing, how are you? I pray all is well and I hope that you have involved your family by now and not waiting untill you graduate. The more time you give the high chances that there will be alot of fitna.
Thank you for replying. Your post came to me at a moment of my state of waswasa and you have made me feel good, even more confident :). I had started getting waswasa wondering if I made the mistake of breaking things off. Alhamdulillah, Allah SWT knows best.
I am also happy to know that you and others are reading the book. Trust me, it is a great read. I read it at least twice a week and it has benefitted me very much. Alhamdulillah.
May Allah SWT make it easy on you, me and all the brothers/sisters with pure intentions for marriage. Ameen.
SisterZahriya
Salam sister Zahriya,
I agree you have made the right decision. You are a very wise women indeed! The guy has already spoken to you many times. You would have thought that by now he would have had some sort of inclination towards marrying you or not. And if he was serious about getting to know you then why not agree to meet infront of parents etc?
I have heard of many men who have a casual relationship with women under the pretence of "getting to know you" and this can go on for years! There intention is that you will get emotionally attached to them and then be happy to do as they say as you THINK you will both get married. Then suddenly they say, "sorry my parents don't agree" or "after 2 years of getting to know, I think we're incompatible!" They make any excuse to get out. I could be wrong but his attitude reminds me of this type of men.
You have done the right thing sis. He doesn't seem to be sound in his deen if he wants to go behind his parents back to speak to you. A pius man would be honest and open in his intentions. He wouldn't string you along that long just to get to know you.
I don't know islamically how long a man and women are allowed to get to know each other but im sure its not for a long time. Im sure after a few meetings a person should have an idea whether they like the other person's character, deen and looks etc.
Don't despair sister. Maybe he was not meant to be. Allah is yet to reveal your prince. But I think you need to take time to heal. Because you do not seem to be in that emotional state of selecting a spouce.
I pray you feel better soon and meet your Prince Charming when the time is right. Xxx
Dear Sister Sumaira,
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I needed that assurance that I was not jumping the gun. I mean, we have seen each other 3x, spoke on the phone alot and it has been a total of a month and 2weeks. I am not desperate nor asking to be married within such a short time of frame. I just wanted to stop these "outings" and "talks" unless a family member is involved. Some kind of an assurity of his intentions. Once our families are involved then I wouldnt mind if we had communicated for even three more months to come (with a mahram of course). Just like you said, Im sure after a few meetings a person should have an idea whether they like the other person's character, deen and looks etc Which is exctly where this brother and I are at, then why not involve family? I even told him that we have a choice of breaking things off if it doesnt work out in the end and that involving family doesnt necessarily mean that we are getting married. But he still insisted on "getting to know me" without a mahram. Truly, his intentions are questionable. And Allah SWT knows best.
But I really have to have "tawakal 3alal-llah". I believe healing is very important to me at this stage. Otherwise, I wont be able to move forward. Thank you for the dua, support and words of advice. I really needed that.
JazakaAllah,
SisterZahriya
And sister don't just give up on him in a hurry, he might not be as tall as your ex-boyfriend, not a smooth talker like him or come across as odd, but if he is strong in deen & imaan and loves & cares for you, then definitely he is husband material, just give him some more time. I think you comparing all his actions to your previous ex- who I have little doubt was a playboy( usually such guys are good with girls but prove horrible husbands in the long run).You are not been fair to this guy, you gave your ex, 4 years and this guy gets just a month!!!, he deserves more.Beware of Shaitan, he hates marriage, he might be giving you waswasa's to reject this man.
@Eagle-Eyes. You said
We discussed this with Sister Zahriya, and it turned out that, the only thing she needs at this moment is to heal, get rid of the ex and be ready emotionally and sphychologically. Without that, she cannot be fair to any future man in her life, even if she gives him 10 years of time or more.
Now she has prayed Istikhara, and my belief is that Allah won't let her continue with any new man (while she had pray Istikhara and followed the Islamic path for courtship), till she gets healed completely and ready emotionally- that is better for her dunya and deen, and fair for her future husband, inshaAllah.
Despite that there are some question mark about this new man at this moment, however, the future and changes belongs to Allah alone. He Has the best plan for each person, at the right time. He is the Best of Planners!
AsSlaamu Alaikum moderators! Please delete this post. I edited it and posted it again. Jazallahu Khair!
@Eagle-Eyes. You said,
We discussed this with Sister Zahriya, and it turned out that, the only thing she needs at this moment is to heal, get rid of the ex and be ready emotionally and psychologically. Without that, she cannot be fair to any future man in her life, even if she gave him 10 years of time or more.
Now she has prayed Istikhara, and my belief is that Allah won't let her continue with any new man (while she had pray Istikhara and followed the Islamic path for courtship), till she gets healed completely and ready emotionally- that is better for her dunya and deen, and fair for her future husband, inshaAllah.
Despite that there are some question mark about this new man at this moment, however, the future and changes belongs to Allah alone. He Has the best plan for each person, at the right time. He is the Best of Planners!
She is 32 years old woman and not a 22 yr girl, she cannot take unlimited time to heal, 2-3 more years pass like this and she'll get proposals from divorcees or widowers or proposals to become a co-wife of some married men.
If she tells this man or for that matter any other prospective groom about her former relation, they will run away from her, inspite of the fact that she was not involved physically, not that I want her to, but this is the reality she should be accepting.
Looks to me,most posters here are misguiding her and are telling her what she wants to hear, to make her feel better and not offend her.
Assalam alaikum,
No one has suggested to take an unlimited time to heal - it was only a few days ago that Sister Zahriya made updates on her post. All people have said is take a moment and that is important for any Muslim. To take a moment to become aware and awake to your surroundings and not get caught up in culture or to conform to societal pressures or to carry on in a trance-like mode because of what everyone else expects her to do. Rather, to take a moment to heal and listen to Allah's guidance without feeling pressured into taking rash decisions that will prove to be long-lasting pain. It is better to be alone than feel alone in an incompatible or failed marriage.
Besides, we aren't going to change the culture of 32 year old women getting proposals from divorcees, widowers or 2nd wife proposals by feeding into this mindset--and mind you, we should look at individuals--not labels.
Muslim women should simply beware of men who insist on secret relationships because it is these men that hope to prey on the woman's emotions and her naive approach to the secrecy of the relationship and then later, these same men blame her for being an emotional/less aware being. Sister Zahriya has realized this and has done the right thing. She is an example of someone who learnt the lesson in time. Alhumdulillah.
So what is your real advice for her?
1- That she should date this new man the way she did for the first man? To meet him alone without a mahram for years? That is not Islamic. The Islamic way is for the man to meet her with a mahram, but clearly this man does not like it that way.
Or
2- That she should marry a man without healing and getting ready emotionally and psychologically? What if she gets confused in her love for the new man in the future, or pretend to love him while her heart is with the ex? Is this fair?
Or
3- That she should rush into a marriage (due to her age) without healing and live a unhappy marital life? What is the use of the marriage? 32 isn't old, so taking another year or less(or two according to her situation) to heal won't be bad.
Answers to your questions
1. She has already met him without a mahram 3-4 times and also spoke with him on the phone for a month, I agree no more meeting are needed and if he insists, he wants to know her more closely, then she should refuse and tell him it is a un-Islamic and ask him for a final reply as soon as possible ( not more than 3 months for sure)
2. Islam identifies that woman are more sensitive and emotional, that's why I think we have the Idaat (waiting period) which Islam has imposed upon a woman who has been divorced or whose husband has died, after which a new marriage is permissible which is 4 months and 10 days only.
Neither she is divorced or widowed, so the healing period should not exceed more than 4 months for her, in her case her ex-has married more than a year ago, so can't understand what is she waiting for.
3. At 32 , even men and their families rush for marriage, there is nothing wrong in it, she is a woman, so she has to take quick decisions keeping in mind the body clock of a woman( she has to bear babies), the cultural realities of her society as well as the Muslim men's preference to take young brides in marriage.
When she says Also, another problem is that I keep comparing him to the ex. The ex was very tall and very handsome that's a clear flag for me, she still has some feeling for her ex, now she may deny it but her words and actions say otherwise.
If she rejects this man, she might keep finding faults and rejecting her future proposals as well, as she would keep comparing them with her ex.
She will not heal even after 10 years from now, if she does not make an effort to forget him ( I want her to hate him for what he did to her).
If she cannot forget her ex at all,then there is one more option left for her and that is to become his co-wife , if agrees to her proposal.
Answers to your questions
1. She has already met him without a mahram 3-4 times and also spoke with him on the phone for a month, I agree no more meeting are needed and if he insists, he wants to know her more closely, then she should refuse and tell him it is a un-Islamic and ask him for a final reply as soon as possible ( not more than 3 months for sure)
2. Islam identifies that woman are more sensitive and emotional, that's why I think we have the Idaat (waiting period) which Islam has imposed upon a woman who has been divorced or whose husband has died, after which a new marriage is permissible which is 4 months and 10 days only.
Neither she is divorced or widowed, so the healing period should not exceed more than 4 months for her, in her case her ex-has married more than a year ago, so can't understand what is she waiting for.
3. At 32 , even men and their families rush for marriage, there is nothing wrong in it, she is a woman, so she has to take quick decisions keeping in mind the body clock of a woman( she has to bear babies), the cultural realities of her society as well as the Muslim men's preference to take young brides in marriage.
When she says Also, another problem is that I keep comparing him to the ex. The ex was very tall and very handsome that's a clear flag for me, she still has some feeling for her ex, now she may deny it but her words and actions say otherwise.
If she rejects this man, she might keep finding faults and rejecting her future proposals as well, as she would keep comparing them with her ex.
She will not heal even after 10 years from now, if she does not make an effort to forget him ( I want her to hate him for what he did to her).
If she cannot forget her ex at all, then there is one more option left for her and that is to become his co-wife , if agrees to her proposal.
@Eagle-Eyes
Age is just a number; it has no reflection upon a person’s Deen or character! Therefore, I think that SisterZahriya should not worry that she is 32 years “young” ;)… she deserves a true man who will focus on her inner qualities, rather than things like beauty or looks which fade away for EVERYONE eventually anyway. Honestly, just from what SisterZahriya advises to others on here, as well as how she has handled her own dilemma, I can sense that she is a good and sensible woman masha’Allah… I can only imagine how much better and inspirational she is in “real” life, to others around her. And if you’re going to say “Okay, beauty fades, that’s not important… but what about the affect age has on fertility etc.?” Well, Allah can do anything and everything. The possibilities are endless. I’ve heard of so many women who thought they were “too old” to have children, yet “miraculously” (through Allah’s ways) they are now mothers. By the way, I just added this in for the sake of it… I don’t actually consider 32 to be an “old age” anyway. Also, (I’m just going to paraphrase) the Quran states that good/pure women are for good/pure men… nothing about age in this! So insha’Allah SisterZahriya will take however much time she needs for her to heal and move on, and I hope and pray that Allah will grant her a good, pious husband who cares more about her inner qualities rather than worldly issues, and that she can have a lovely family of her own one day! 🙂 And it’s important to remember that Allah is the BEST Planner, His timing of everything is perfect.
One more thing, what’s wrong with getting proposals from divorcees or widowers, or even to become a “co-wife”? Divorcees and widowers are people too and can have pure and Islamic intentions of marriage as well; it will be better to do some extra background research before agreeing to marriage etc. (just like how we should for any prospective spouse actually) but we can’t assume that just because someone was married before (and things in their previous marriage didn’t work out) that they are “bad” or not worth considering for marriage. I feel like explaining all this is unnecessary though, my main point was that Allah will do what is best for His obedient servants… I’m sure that SisterZahriya knows this already, and she’ll continue on good/safe paths, and be rewarded for it insha’Allah.
I agree with Brother Issah and many of the other posters on here. It’s Islamically incorrect to communicate/meet with anyone of the opposite gender without a mahram. And anything done that is Islamically not right, will only be painful and regrettable later on.
Eagle-Eyes AKA Brother J,
Breakfree from the culture, Brother, it is poison.
Eagle eyes is brother J???
Should have known. These comments are so culturally influenced. Age is not a matter in Islam.
Yes,Eagle eyes is Brother J, was checking if change of id name makes a difference to the feminists onslaught and prejudiced responses against me, guess what it did not, so switched back to the original 🙂
LOL. So you checked for the reaction by posting your post twice? I don't think you ever intended on us finding out. Rather, you made a post, didn't see it, re-posted it, forgetting that you used your other name. Now you are making it look like it was intentional.
Brother J,
You were checking to see if the feminists would change their view on you? Did you ever notice that it isn't just females that respond to your posts. Did you read anything that Br. Issah wrote to you?
Originally you posted that Sister Zahriya should give the brother more time, then when pushed on the matter, you eventually tell her she should consider becoming co-wife?
@Eagle-Eyes
The wisdom could be, to determine pregnancy and enable the woman to be ready and prepared to move on emotionally). I think that the 3 or the 4 months and 10 days, is basically the general required period for a woman to be ready emotionally. However, any more time beyond the mentioned specified period, will depend on individuals, and will be continued seperately in a way suitable for each.
If you understood all that, then do you think it is fair for this new man? Do you want her to rush into marriage with him without being ready emotionally, and then she gets confused in her heart all the time, and compare him to her ex. I think there is something different about a woman's heart in such cases, so when it appears that she needs time, then be reassured that she truely needs the time, otherwise anything else would be a temporal solution, with a sorrow or less-success in the future.
This will continue to happen as long as she is not healed completely, and ready emotionally.
Why should she be a co-wife to a man who lacks compassion, honesty and loyalty? Will you suggest such a man to your own sister or daughter? Despite that she has been in a relationship with him, does not mean that he would be a good husband to her, or is the man whom Allah Has planned for her.
Assalam Aleykoum to all,
First let me say thank you to all for the beautiful complements. Wallah my iman is lacking and not to its par, but the complements are beautiful and makes me want to live up to all of them. JazakaAllah.
Second; I found it really funny when I found out that Brother J is the same person as Eagle-Eyes and the banter between him and the Sisters was really funny, lol....very refreshing.
Brother Eagle-Eyes, I agree only with your first scenario. “She has already met him without a mahram 3-4 times and also spoke with him on the phone for a month, I agree no more meeting are needed and if he insists, he wants to know her more closely, then she should refuse and tell him it is a un-Islamic and ask him for a final reply as soon as possible (not more than 3 months for sure)"I will still stick to my guns and not budge as far as to giving this man a chance. Putting aside my silly comparisons of this brother to the ex; I gave him more than a chance. I have talked to him, seen him; yet he point blankly refuses to involve a mahram. My last encounter with the ex was haram and he too used to refuse to meet my family. I don’t want to repeat the same mistake. And I don’t think I am being unfair to this brother because I know I can love again but it has to be the halaal way this time. This brother’s last words to me was that if I didn’t agree to giving us chance/time to get to know one another then maybe I am better off finding another brother who agrees with my beliefs of involving family members. So I guess it’s really over this time.
Thank you all for your inputs. I want to add that whenever I have doubts/waswasa; I come back on here and read each and all of your posts and MashaAllah it gives me reinforcement on my stance and I feel reassured. May Allah’s blessings be upon you all for all that you do for others. Ameen.
SisterZahriya
Oops, I meant Compliments and not Complements. 🙂
Wailaikum Salam Sister Zahriya,
Thank you for the reply. I used the id name "Eagle-Eyes' for the sole reason to not to draw attention of 'The Three Musketeers' who have not been taking some of my comments kindly and I am getting a lot of stick lately from them for those comments, the funny part is I ended up looking like a fool because of my comedy of errors with the id goof up 🙂
Coming back to your situation, from your words it seems to me, this man was not interested in marriage from the beginning, he was just testing the waters, wanted to play and move on, I think .The need for a man and woman to know each other well before marriage by meeting alone, is neither part of our religion or culture, this is just an influence of western culture, where they insist to know each other or date or try out each other or even go for a test drive before marriage, even Hindus parents allow their girls to go out with the men only after an engagement between them is fixed.
You have taken the right decision to walk away from this man by refusing to entertain his inappropriate demands.
Sister, make dua to Allah Swt to make it easy upon you to stay away from haram and also pray to him to bless you with a good bridegroom soon,who would be blessing for you not just in this Duniya but also in the Akhirah...Ameen
Asalamu Alaikum sister Zahriya,
Hang In there. What you are asking for is not unreasonable. You assured him that getting parents involved does not mean commitment, it's just the normal protacol. Narrated by Umar ibn al-Khattab, Messenger of Allaah {Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam} said: "Whenever a man is alone with a woman shaytan makes a third." [Al-Tirmidhi 3118]. Can you imagine if he's not respecting your values and morals now, how much would he respect u if u two were to be married.
Its the comparing-syndrome...
Sister here wants each prospect to look like her first man. I can relate to this very much when i was into these unlawful things.
So sis, please try and calm yourself and accept Allah's plan wholeheartedly.
I empathize with you completely as i have mentioned earlier, so please dont think i do not have at least an idea of what you are going through.
I suppose if you get to know our new, not-so-good-looking prospect, you may start liking him ?
Assalam Aleykoum W.r W.b
My dear brother Wulk,
You are way behind with the events of my situation. Alhamdulillah I have overcome the comparison issues. I really dont want to go back on the past as I am now facing a beautiful moment with the blessings of Allah SWT. I am InshaAllah getting married in a month. All I need from now on are more duas and great advices from you and everyone else. JazakaAllah for your input. 🙂
SisterZahriya
Assalamualiakum sister Zahriya,
Subhanallah. I am so happy to hear about your good news. Alhumdullilah. I came to this site after some time and was hoping for some encouraging good news, and to follow and see how you were doing.
May Allah grant you and your future husband peace, understanding, joy, love and tranquility.
Sincerely,
Lisa
JazakaAllah Lisa, and thank you very much. Alhamdulilah I am really happy. Especially to have my marriage take place before Ramadhan is a blessing from Allah SWT.
A year ago, I was in so much agony I thought I could never get over the pain. But Allah SWT works in miraculous ways. I never thought that I would get married within a year of the aftermath. Especially to someone who is complete opposite to my ex in terms of physical features and demeanor.
Truly I believe and have faith in Allah SWT. 🙂
Thank yu Sister Lisa for the well wishes and dua. Ameen
SisterZahriya
ASA sister Zahriya,
I hope all is well with you and I pray that inshallah you and your future husband have a loving, joyful, blessed wedding. Your life example of istighfar, saber and obedience to allah shows that allah is merciful and the knows what's best for all.