Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I don’t like my husband

Salam!

I'm really troubled, so please help me asap.  I will start from the very beginning so I can provide you with more info.  I was born in Pakistan and live in US. Since I was in high school, I have been getting marriage proposals from the US and Pakistan.  My dad loves me a lot, so he did not want to send me to Pakistan (and I personally didn't want to go, either). Another fact is that I didn't want to get married yet at all, but my mom was always worried about what society will say If I don't get married at this age.  My mom is the nicest mashallah, and I always take her advice in everything.

I was 20 when I got tired of looking at a new proposals every week, and my mom getting frustrated that it didn't work out. And then came the rishta that my parents loved.  He is from Pakistan, quran hafiz, and was ready to move to the US after getting married.  Like always, I told my parents as they wish, I will get married wherever they say. They did istikhara, and said yes to his family. His sister in law and my mom let us talk on the phone to get to know each other, since it was a long distance relationship. I was not ready to be in a relationship, and was doing this just to please my parents.

When I turned 21, my parents took me to umrah and got my nikah done over there. I hardly got to know the person. Yes, we did talk at least 4 times a week before this, but what can a phone conversation do? Anyways, him and his family are really nice, mashallah. I have no complaint about that. After the nikah I came back to the US and he went back to Pakistan. We even started skype now since our nikah was done. He was always eager to talk to me, where in my mind I just wanted to ignore him.

We did his paperwork and he came to the US. My rukhsati was done three weeks ago, and since then we are living together.  There hasn't been a single day that I felt happy with him. He does nothing to hurt me, but I don't love him. I don't have any feelings towards him. How can I sleep with a person when I don't even want to sit with him? I don't feel like talking to him. I feel like running away from him. I don't want to see his face, though he is not bad looking at all. I don't see him as my husband.

I asked my mom and she said, "pretend at first, then you will get used to it". I tried that, but I feel trapped on the inside.  I have only cried in these three weeks since the wedding.  I feel bad for him because he says he wants to see his wife happy, but I don't get happy after seeing him. I'm happy when he is not around. I told my mom, "I can't live with him like this, I will die- so please get me separated from him", but she started crying and said if I want to see her dead then go ahead and get separated.

My question is, why should I live with a person that I don't feel happy with? Please help me. I m crying all the time, and this is not making anyone happy. If he tries to come close to me, I push him away and that hurts him. I just can't control my self.  I don't want to live with him.  Does Islam tell us to live with a person that you don't feel attracted towards? Is it even possible to live with someone you don't want to live with?

-aisha-123

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65 Responses »

  1. asalamu alaikum,

    I can understand how you feel, but why did you say, I told my parents as they wish, I will get married wherever they say? that's the biggest mistake. marriage is no joke. doing just to please your parents. agreeing easily don't you know you have to spend the rest of your life with your husband?

    now have you told your husband how you feel? if not I think you should tell him, let him know instead of him being in the dark with no clue why you rejecting him.

    how long have you been living together for? you said you don't feel attracted to him? if attraction is the only reason for you to reject him. let me tee you, attraction with bad personality wont get you anywhere. guys with good personality and who will treat you well are hard to find.

    attraction is like a double edge sword. you can have attraction for someone but you could lose attraction just like that and you could have no attraction for someone but in due time attraction can develop. seen it happen, talking from experience.

    getting attracted to his character/personality is better than the outer attraction. you never know in due time you may come to like him, I seen that happen.

    if you still not happy, talk with your husband and your father.

    "you don't know what you had, till its gone"

    ma salama..

    • MasAllah i agree with your advise

      • I'm sorry I don't think that you should tell your husband how you feel. I know someone who told her husband that she was not attracted to him, and he went from being a tolerable civil man to an abusive monster. She desperately wants a divorce, but no support from her family at all and she does not want to be disowned. Pray to Allah swt that Allah puts love in your heart for your husband. Somethings should be left unsaid, cause once a man fears rejection, their ego takes over and can completely change the character of a man. Focus on your husbands pros rather cons. Read about others who have less than you. Dua dua dua for allah to put connection between you and your husband. The very last attempt should be khula. I know what you are going through.

        • I totally disagree with you. You cannot label all the guys with the same brush. Just because one person does it doesnt mean the rest are the same. Some brothers will listen and rezpect their decision and part ways in good terms. If you really think evry guys the same then thats a damn shame.

          Marriage is a 2 way thing, you cant expect to solve the problem if you not communicating and addressing the issue to the main person which is the husband.

          • Asalamuallekum marahmadullahi wamarakat all of u and I want to ask a question ya akhy. I merried someone to please my mom. Who ever I loved my parent's use to reject them. Then I married my cousin first I didn't want him my mom and dad agree to merried him. Then after nikah I fall in love with my husband alhamdullih. For 1 year we been good to each other. The next year he changed and cheat with other girl. And I didn't met him yet because of long distance. However I got heartbreaking and I couldn't continue my education so I quit school. Somehow I saw myself changing not caring about him anymore and disrespectful to him. Ignoring him. Doing things he hates just so he would hate me too. Then I moved on for good I mean I stop loving him. I saw myself falling love with someone else. Am like this is sheydan. I ran to my husband and try to love him but didn't work out. Am keeping hating him. Them I decided to get divorce and be the one I love if Allah wills if not just wait for while and fall in love with someone. I didn't tell my husband that I love someone else and the one I love now I doesn't know am in love with him. My point is I don't care if I don't fin the one I love because he is not a husband but I just want to get divorce because I feel like my body is with my husband but my mind is somewhere else. So cause of that I'm afraid to talk to other men. I wanna be free to talk to anyone am done with my husband

        • Sister Lisa,

          How are you? Hope all is well with you. I totally AGREE with you. Some men cannot take rejection. If a woman rejects the guy for his physical features especially, he takes it personally. This is only because they might have low self esteem. And once they get rejected they take it so personal that they react monstrously.

          I think its best that the OP does not tell the husband the reasons why. It will hurt his feelings.

          As for the OP? The BEST advice given by Sister Saba MashaAllah, please read it carefully.

          SisterZahriya

        • Assalam alaikum Sr. Lisa,

          At this point, the OP wants a reason to end the relationship, but everything she has done so far, has put her in the spot she is in.

          She has to take responsibility, even though cultural values played a great role in her situation.

          If you ask me, I think she is trying to protect herself by keeping her feelings concealed from her parents, from her husband and faking her life. The irony, in protecting herself, she is putting herself in an even worse situation.

          Everything in life has a cost. She can carry on living the way she is, making others happy and the cost is her own happiness. OR, she can confront the issue by realizing her rights and the rights of others and putting things straight, at the cost of others happiness--which will be temporary (eventually others will get over her happiness/unhappiness, but either way, she has to live with her happiness/unhappiness for as long as she lives).

          I don't know what happened with your friend, but, I think her husband was probably already abusive--she didn't make him into an abusive man, in which case it is better to know sooner than later.

          I agree with Br. Ahmed that she should seek help from her husband and share her feelings tactfully. If the OP says something along the following lines to her husband

          "All of our life, we Muslim girls are told to not interact with men, so to suddenly adjust to being intimate with you is difficult for me. You are kind and attractive--I just need time and want to get to know you more and build our relationship--and I need your help."

          he should understand, if he is sensible, inn shaa Allah. She should be choosy and careful with her words, but she should be able to express herself in her marriage.

          We can't judge all men by a few and we can't judge all women by a few. I can say this because I grew up in an abusive home and it is very easy for me to be negative towards men. It has taken years of observation and being honest with myself to realize that I am wrong to judge all men by the few bad ones that came into my life.

          It is better that the OP tries her BEST right now with honesty on the table, then to break it off and suffer silently, in my opinion.

          • Salam Saba,

            (First of all for the longest time trying to figure out what OP stands for),

            I hear what you are saying. But it is so much easier said then done. It's almost easier to stay in an abusive lonely marriage and have the support of your parents who you love and respect then to get a divorce. Sometimes one feels that to put their happiness above everyone else's would be the most selfish thing for them to do.

          • Wa alaikum Assalam Lisa,

            lol @ what OP stands for. I assume it stands for original poster, I may be wrong.

            Lisa, I completely understand. Sister, our generation has somehow forgotten how to talk to parents and somewhere the parents confused respect for them to equal "we are always right." I believe a child can respect, love and honor his/her parents, but still disagree and even show guidance to their parents.

            The problem is we fear rejection and our own worth in their eyes. So think of it like this, are we really valuing our parents OR are we just worried about our own reputation?

            Sometimes you have to fight for your happiness--it isn't about putting that happiness in the front of the lineup--it just means this needs to exist. A good anaology to think about is if you were in an airplane crash and survived, would you reach for the oxygen mask for yourself first or someone elses? You can't help someone eles, unless you first take care of your own needs. I hope that all makes sense--we shouldn't be afraid to claim what is Islamically halal for us.

    • Salaam, I am in an almost same situation as sister Aisha. I am married to a man who loves me. I know that he does. He's a good person, but I had a very difficult time getting along with his family.

      Our marriage was not of love on my side but by force. I told me family before that I didn't like him. But they said that he is from a very good family, and they are also economically stable. They said that he is a very good guy and he will make me happy. No matter how much I said I don't like him, my dad wanted to marry me to him, because he already agreed and didn't want to back out now, especially because we have some relationship between our families. He was very worried about what people would say, and I understood that. Meanwhile, my mother just wanted me to be happy and she thought that he was the one that could do it.

      I had no other choice but to do as they asked, but I still tried to change their minds. The closer the date of the marriage came, the more nervous and worried I got. I'm ashamed to say that I even thought about running away, or other mishaps to happen so the nikah wouldn't take place. I always silently cried, because I didn't want to make my mother even more upset.

      Just like Sister Aisha, I had only talked to him on the phone, but I also saw him two, maybe three times during that time. But unlike Sister Aisha, I only knew him for about four months before the marriage.

      After the marriage, I was very sad and almost depressed, I tried, I really did, to love him. I tried my best to see him as my husband, but my heart just wouldn't warm up to him or the idea that he was actually my husband. It physically hurt to think that I have to spend forever with him.

      During this time, his family was also very bad for me. They treated me horrible. I was living with them and his mom is very sick so I took care of her. I never once complained, I actually liked taking care of the sick so it made me happy that I would be doing it for her. But her husband always put me down saying that I was very bad at taking care of her and that he can't even trust me to leave her alone with me. I actually stayed at the hospital for almost a week with and many times before that.

      They also promised that they would help and support me with my education. But all they did was complain about me going to school and how I didn't have enough time for house work. I was a full time student and I also feel care of my mother in law. My mother in law even told me multiple times not to trust my husband for money for NY education and that I should work to pay for it myself. But when I did try to work, they didn't want me to work on the days that my husband was at work because she had no one to take care of her, but the only other time I had was when I went to school. So how could I work then? They didn't give me many options, they even accused me of failing some of my classes and I said I want buy they didn't believe me. I was doing fine in my classes even though they didn't give me much time at home to study.

      I would always stay extra hours at school to do my homework and studying. They went as far as to say that I should drop my classes. That hurt my feelings so much.

      I also did do house work, but I'm not the best at cooking. They knew this before I got married and said it was not a problem but they also put me down for this. They would always make me cry and I started to get even more depressed, I even ended up having even more irregular menstrual cycles. I told my husband but he didn't do much, what could he do anyway.

      It was mostly my father in law that made me cry. I also had trouble with my husband's older brother's wife. We were prey good at first. I even hated with her kids and homework when she was at school, but when she graduated, because she only went for eight months, and I started school, she changed and complained that I didn't do much because of my school.

      My mother in law even blamed me for her son's changes and said that he started to change and get more angry after the marriage, she said that he was using more money now. But the thing is, I never asked him for anything, I'm the kind of person that isn't comfortable with asking for things, especially after they started to get mad at me for buying things that I actually needed. She also said that it was after my marriage that they started to lose baraket(their luck and money). She even talked about other girls that she wanted as a daughter in law, in front of me.

      Long story short, they always put me down and hurt me. I never told me mom about most of this and how bad it was because my mother in law said that what happened in the family should stay in the family. when I did, everyone on my side of the family at first blamed me for not trying to make it work. But after I told them everything, my mom confronted his mom and at first she said that some of it was true, then later on she lied about everything, saying that they didn't do anything to hurt me. But my mom didn't believe heon People even started to say that this family was like the way I was saying it. And it turns out that both of her daughter in-laws left the house before me. And I was even more upset that I made this stupid mistake to be apart of this family after this. They were not like they seemed to the outsiders they were all so different, it was like a crazy house, they all were ready to stab eachother in the back and lie to eachother. They smile at eachother than talk behind their backs.

      I ended up leaving, but I came back three months later, when they got a separate apartment for me and him, but nothing really changed. The appurtenant doesn't even have anything, only the bed and some stuff that my mom gave me before. They always try to make my husband go there and leave me hear and it works, they also try to make me move in with them again.

      In all of this, I never loved my husband. We have never been together either. I just never was able to bring my self to do anything with him. I'm very afraid of doing the wrong thing. I never lied to saying, saying I love him. He knows I don't. I tried to tell him before that I can't live like this cuz it's only me in the apartment and I'm always upset. He doesn't want to let me go because he says he loves me. But I'm so upset. I'm afraid I will eventually get very sick because of all of this. I lived with his family for one year before leaving for leaving for three months, I came back and it's been almost two months now. But I still don't love him. Just like Sister Aisha, I can't even look at him or even be around him, and I am more happy when he is not here even though I don't like being alone. I do try to get more comfortable and love, but I can't and I end up pushing him away and getting mad and very upset. I also get so mad sometimes about the stupidest things he does, even though I shouldn't. But I can't help if, everything he does bothers me so much. I talked to my mom and she told me that if I wanted I could just come back, because she sees how much I'm hurting. She lives six hours away from me. I'm afraid now though.

      Before, the first time I left was easier but I came back because my mom and everyone else pressured me to. They said that it would look bad and it would not be good for me or my family, and I understand that but I didn't want to. But they talked me into it, and made me believe that leaving could be the wrong answer. Now my mom is saying other wise, but now I'm afraid and it's so much more harder to leave a second time.

      I really, really don't know what to do, please help me figure it out. I'm hurting myself being her and I'm also hurting him too, because he wants a normal relationship, one that I can't give him.

      Before, even though my dad was the most one pressuring member in leaving, when I left the first time he was the one to support no the most. Which was very surprising for me. He was the one that told my mom that maybe it's better if I don't go back, but my mom believed that he is the best choice for me, especially because I am already married and didn't knows this could ruin me later on. But now I don't know what my dad will even say, because this is the second time. He'll get mad because this isn't a game, and I know that that's why I don't want to stay. It's not a game, but I feel like all we're doing is playing a game. This marriage feels like a game of house that we used to play when we were younger. I don't like it.

      I don't want to hurt anyone but I also don't want to hurt my self either. This whole time I'm thinking of everyone else but me, but no one is thing of me. If I don't think about me, no one else will, everyone else is just thinking of themselves and what's best for them but no one is thinking of me and what's best for me. I have to do that myself. I'm just afraid of doing the wrong thing. Please some one help me understand what to do, I'm not even sure if what I am feeling and doing has an effect or is wrong in Islam. I just don't know anything anymore...

  2. Assalam alaikum Sister,

    There are many couples who start off their marriage with an extremely strong physical attraction and hit it off in all aspects, but then years later start having problems. Sometimes this happens because, over time, we change, mature, realize things about ourselves and our wants/needs may become more specific or simply change with us. However, in the ideal situation, a couple should talk about those things and re-discover one another.

    While I understand that what you feel is real, I think there are a few things you may want to try.

    Because you will most likely change over time, you may deeply regret rushing into a seperation when you have said that this man does nothing to hurt you and that he is not bad looking (so I assume attraction is a possibility).

    It seems from your post that he moved from Pakistan and that you and him are living with your parents. I am going to risk saying that I think this is the root of your problem. Some may disagree with me, but there is something that is a turn-off when a young girl has to do all that paper-work and then he isn't financially-independent here. I am not saying it is right or wrong, but it affects the relationship.

    Is there a way that you and him can live independently, even if it is a bachelor suite or one-bedroom apartment?
    From your description, he seems approachable, talk to him about building your relationship and giving you time so that your heart softens towards him. Truth be known, women want to find security in their husband, and given the situation, this is lacking.
    See a counsellor, perhaps on your own first, and then together.

    I urge you to not give up because the qualities you have described may be the very things that you want later in your life. There is an article (real-life story) I once read about a girl who married a boy who was everything she wanted in life, but later, his irresponsibility was a complete-turn-iff even though she was very much attracted to him. At that point, she wanted a mature, strong, responsible man and looks came 2nd to her--she ended up marrying a man who she would have never chosen the first time.

    So, be careful about your choices. Do not rush. Rely on your husband for advice too--you should at least put an effort to let him know what you feel--don't ignore him, include him in this journey. It really seems that you haven't tried enough yet to call it quits--forgive me if I am wrong.

    May Allah put endless between you and your husband, Ameen.

    • It seems I missed the most important part...

      May Allah put endless *love and mercy* between you and your husband, Ameen.

      • Respected Sister,
        I'm totally agree with Sister Saba . . Just keep your focus on her advice

        • @Saba
          It seems I missed the most important part...
          May Allah put endless *love and mercy* between you and your husband, Ameen.

          MasAllah great advise ameen

    • Assalaamualaikam

      Excellent advice, JazakAllah khair, sister.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • Saba, JZK for your above reply, but what do u think about hafsa's reply on "I hate my husband, I married him to please my parents".

  3. aisha-123: I was not ready to be in a relationship, and was doing this just to please my parents.....When I turned 21, my parents took me to umrah and got my nikah done over there. I hardly got to know the person. .......... We even started skype now since our nikah was done. He was always eager to talk to me, where in my mind I just wanted to ignore him......There hasn't been a single day that I felt happy with him. He does nothing to hurt me, but I don't love him. I don't have any feelings towards him. How can I sleep with a person when I don't even want to sit with him?.... but she started crying and said if I want to see her dead then go ahead and get separated.

    Did you date any one before you got married? Did you ever make friends in chatrooms/schools?
    Looks like you did everything including marriage to please your parents? Why don;'t you just stay with this person as a wife to please your parents?

    You have not told a single reason why you don't like this Paki guy as your husband?

    You don't want to sleep with him? Do you have a sex phobia or some thing?

    • Assalaamualaikam

      It's quite common for women not to want to sleep with people that they do not feel comfortable with or in love with. Sex is extremely intimate, so not wanting to have sex with a man she doesn't feel comfortable with is understandable. It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with her.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • Why does she need a reason? She obviously feels no connection to they guy. Take it from someone who has been through the same thing, I said no to the marriage proposal for the fear of being stuck in it for the rest of my life (which would have been for the sake of making my mum happy). I guess for some people it's much harder to say no to the parents because they make you feel guilty in every possible way. This is why she married in the first place people so stop judging her because what's happened has happened.

      I've never dated and I hate it when a guy, especially those terrible guys with no morals on the streets, touch me in any way. My body is mine and I'm in charge of it. I would only let a guy touch me when I am married and if I feel a connection because I know without this it would feel all wrong and repulsive. Intimacy needs to feel right with your husband for your marriage to work.

      Aisha-123 should try living with her husband for a few more months to see if there is any improvement but if it doesn't work? Well then it's best to separate and re-marry before things get even more complicated. Us Pakistani girls always end up fearing we're making our parents unhappy but we also have feelings and we can't just abide by everyone else's rules.

      Aisha-123, I would say for a couple of months or so, try to live with your husband as if he is a room-mate rather than a husband. Thinking of someone as your husband puts a lot of pressure on you but when you both act friendly towards each other without expecting specific marital duties of each other, well the love between you two may develop naturally. However, if it doesn't? At least you know you've tried.

  4. Salaam, it is going 2 be hard 4 u sister but now that your in this situation, do dua to Allah to make u love your husband and I think u should try your best 2 maintain this relationship if possible, Allah does whatever 4 the best xxx may Allah reward u inshallah

  5. It is going to be hard for you but you should have NOT married this guy just to please your parents.
    Marriage as been done and honestly its no joke. I think you should work it out with him as he seems a nice person and that character of your husband is really hard to find these days. Count your BLESSINGS.

  6. SVS: What is wrong with you?! You ask and say the weirdest things!

    • SVS: What is wrong with you?! You ask and say the weirdest things!

      I am just an average man, may be not perfect and intelligent as you. If you point out what seems weird to you, I could try to explain you a little. Have a nice day.

  7. Salaam,
    You're silly for getting married just to please your parents. I would leave him and let him find someone who would enjoy and be happy whilst being married to him. On the other hand you need to gain courage and talk to your parents and stop living your life just to please them. You have a mind of your own, you have your own choices and desires and you are an adult who is capable of making decisions. Find someone you want to marry inshallah. Best of luck.

    • ASA,

      But our parents are given an honorable status in Islam and when you are young you are told to respect all your parents wishes for fear of dishonoring or hurting them. "Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or more attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. And out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say, "my Lord! bestow on them Thy Mercy, even as they cherished me in childhood." (Quran 17: 23-24)

      It's so hard to make a decision like this. To make yourself happy or to make your parents happy and you be miserable?

      Wasalam sister Zahriya,

      Alhumdullilah I'm doing better. But I have those pain and agonizing days where the hurt will just not go away. He makes attempts to contact me, but after reading your posts I too laugh at him and say that he got married and that's that. I cut off complete contact with him. Bi literally have to plan each minute with some type of activity in order to not get depress over him. Keeping busy with righteous friends alhumdullilah really helps. Thanks so much for asking.

  8. In arrange marriages love happens slowly after marriage, that is the basis of all arrange marriages. You have to beleive in destiny as what ever you might have tried you will still marry him. Sometime a situation come that you get something but you still feel that there is something better than this, and if you leave this person than afterwards you will regret losing him.
    It is shaitaan who tries to seperate husband and wive so do not fall in his trap instead make dua to Allah for satisfaction and remember he is your husband so you should respect him and everbody else will respect you.
    May allah give love between you and your husband.

  9. You dont like a man who is nice and wants to see you happy. Then what would you like? a man who abuses you and mistreats you? Try to find the good in him get to know him and find out more about him. Start from friendship and see if there is a way you can build your feelings for him. Did you not see him before getting married? You made the decision to go along with your parents decision now you changed your mind after you got married. He is nice his family is nice and he not bad looking and he wants you to be happy. He gave up everything to come live with you in US and the way you are behaving is not fair to him.It seems he is trying but is there any effort from you? I aplogise for being harsh but i would like for you to see reality and change your perspective of things. Its not always about attractiveness or falling in love like the movies. Life is different and appreciate what you havr and try to make the best of things. If after all your effort you still dont want to live with him then nobody can force you to be with someone you dont want to be with and especially if your are feeling so depressed.

  10. If you didn't like him at first then why did you marry him.Why for your parents? Well thats too bad now you have to deal with it or confront him tell him how you never liked him if not be patient and maybe you both will love each other later on.I dont know if you should divorce because Allah hates that. But your stuck for life literally lol.

    • Assalam alaikum Br. Abdul,

      Your lol at the end is highly insensitive and points towards your naivety in understanding how a person may end up in this situation.

      Brother, the sister has made a mistake, but who amongst us has not made one?

      • Forgive meYour right she made a bad mistake.Also My bad i shouldn't have wrote lol.I didn't mean it though sometimes when i type LOL i dont actually laugh out loud next time i wont say that wa salam.

  11. Get to know him...fall in love with your husband...He's good looking and pious and will love you like a queen..don't feel that just because it's arranged or you didn't have a love marriage you don't wanna be with him...I think you will regret divorcing him and when you marry someone else that may be you are looking for a love marriage well a lot of guys tell girls your beautiful and I love you just to use women May Allah protect us all please just give him a chance and if you really are so unhappy tell him that...you are lucky ...you married him and you should be proud of being a wife to someone Allah has dignified and honored...just be happy and love him for who he is...or maybe some other girl will marry him and be really happy with him and you might end up God knows who because finding a good man who is nice, has a nice family, loyal and pious is like finding Diamonds and gold in this day and age. From where I see it is God has blessed you with soo much..girl you don't even know real problems women are facing with their husbands these days... Just make lots of du a to Allah to give you happiness in place of your sadness and guide you to make the right decision. .make istikhara please don't be sad I love you for the sake of Allah ...may Allah give the women of our ummah happy married lives..ameen May Allah bless you and your husband with happiness 🙂 Just pray and make lots of dua...I hope whatever you feel is missing in your relationship God blesses you with it..If you still are miserable then tell your parents and him what you truly feel ...If you have tried everything possible to be happy with him and got to know him and your still miserable try Islamic counseling and at last divorce do not keep living with him miserably and also pushing him away making him feel hurt for no reason ...then move on with your life and do not marry for anyone else but your self it's your life , your parents are not living your life you are ..I hope Allah gives you a happy married life with him or gives you better spouse than what you have 🙂 ameen

  12. u gonna wasting a guy's life & his family's. for dat u and ur family gonna b reponsible for dat.. every1 has there own point of view, ppl who comment here, should think from her hus side also..

  13. I
    Honestly think if you really really don't wanna be his wife just till him how you feel because he needs
    To know and so he can move on
    And love someone else who will love him back as a wife, I understand where you coming from is going to
    Be hard and like my grandma use to say nobody is in your shoe to know how you feel sweetie.you made a mistake like everybody else just be honest with him and insallah life will go on from there .

  14. Iraqigirl: Honestly think if you really really don't wanna be his wife just till him how you feel because he needs
    To know and so he can move on

    The guy will have to go back to Pakistan without any green card................. Her mother started crying and said if she wants to see her dead then she should go ahead and leave her husband..

    • @SVS

      The guy will have to go back to Pakistan without any green card.

      What is wrong with going back to Pakistan (his own Motherland)?! He came there because of his wife, not for any green card.

  15. Asalamalaikum Aisha123 please tell me what the result of your situation was because I am currently in a similar situation.

  16. Aisha123- can u please tell me the outcome of ur situation? What happened? How do u feel now?

  17. Dear sister ,

    You are responsible for your action and you need to pay the price now .Also by divorcing him you are creating lot of inconvenience to this guy(I assume he is not bad or abusive).

    There are lot of girls who likes movies style of romance ,love and then getting married but there is no guaranty how these marriages will be after a period of time .

    If you take a divorce and find new attractive personality but you never know then what other features of new man you will dislike .Marriage is one such institution where majority of people don't get complete satisfaction .

    Allah knows the best .

  18. subhanalahwe human can never be pleased dear sister i think ur lucky and trust me if u lose tht guy u might never find a guy like in this world am speaking from expirence

  19. ASA -

    OK. Even if you married someone you were wildly in love with, there are adjustments to be made in marriage. Many women, and I am one of them, have had emotional difficulties after marriage. Although one's status has changed dramatically, one's internal feelings somehow don't reflect this, and one doesn't experience the emotions one expected. One may feel, even if one has known someone for a very long time, that they are suddenly living with someone they don't know at all.

    My suggestion is to talk to your husband, and explain that you are having difficulties forming a connection. Good men care very much about their wives and families, make it clear that he hasn't done anything to you, that the issue is on your end, and that you want and need his help as a spouse. Discuss having inexpensive halal fun together - a trip to a zoo, a museum, going to an Eid fair after Ramadan, etc. Try riding the merry go round or carousel or other rides at an amusement park. Such activities can help build a relationship while easing interpersonal strains - and they also associate the person with happiness and enjoyment.

    One piece of advice I give all people who are nearly married - make time for your spouse, and NEVER leave the house when one of you is angry with the other. Schedule "dates" as a couple, and dates as a family as well - camping trips and public museums and zoos are inexpensive halal fun. I have met parents who are very poor and have bought all day transit passes and simply ridden the buses or trains through the city and pointed out things of interest to their children. I recall a poor father in Portland, Oregon maybe thirty years ago who every weekend rode the buses with his children, pointing out stores, gypsies, gardens, neighborhoods, historical architecture, etc.

  20. Aisha 123;

    Assalam o Alaikum,

    I really appreciate sister Lisa's approach to ur problem in this forum. She is right when she says o should respect ur parents as one day u will be also INSHALLAH. I had a teacher in Engg university who said that in what ever way u treat ur elders, u will also be treated in the same way when u grow to be one.

    Ur problem has stemmed more from the western culture that u grew up in. The "Haya" shyness which is prevalent in girls from the east in most cases till her last breath, u tossed it when u boarded the plane for the US. This husband of urs is like lots of water and shade of an Oaisis in a desert of which u can make good use if u want. Otherwise, if u leave him then think a 100 times before dumpnig him whether u would be able to find another oaisis. The choice is urs. U sponsored ur spouse, got married and now want to dump him. Mind it, it will haunt u for the rest of ur life.

    I have pasted some information from a women's website http://www.islamswomen.com/marriage/fiqh_of_marriage_ where u can read more if u have interest. I think u should look for a solution based on Sariah than some western assumptions.

    Nushuz (Marital Discord)

    Allah Most High blessed this ummah with the most comprehensive and perfect law ever given to mankind - the shari'a. This law did not fail to give us solutions to one of the most common everyday problems of human life: problems between husband and wife. Even if both the husband and wife are pious, practicing Muslims in a general sense, marriage presents additional tests which many do not pass as well as they should. They may then begin failing to fulfill their obligations within the marriage and failing to treat one another as they should according to Islam. When this happens, Allah's shari'a has laid down certain processes that the spouses (and possibly others helping them) should go through to try to rectify the situation. Unlike some ignorant "religions" concocted by men, Islam also recognizes that there may be situations where resolution is not possible and termination of the marriage is preferable - through divorce or other means.

    When one of the spouses is refractory, it is called nushuz on the part of that spouse, whether husband or wife. For the rest of this chapter, we will discuss the nature of nushuz and some of the steps which should be taken when it arises.

    The Meaning of Nushuz

    The meaning of Nushuz in the language is "rising up".

    An-nushuz can be on the part of the wife, the husband or both can claim it to be from the other. Here are some of the definitions which the scholars have given to it:

    "Each spouse transgresses and is hostile against the other."

    "It is a hatred by one of the spouses for the other or by each of them for the other."

    "Each one of the spouses differing from the other."

    "An-Nushuz is each of the spouses having hatred for the other and treating each other in an improper manner."

    Looking at all of these definitions, one sees that they are very close in meaning and indicate that an-nushuz can come from either spouse due to disobedience, hatred, contrariness, diffidence, harshness, aggression, etc.

    An-Nushuz on the Part of the Wife

    Here are some definitions from the scholars of nushuz when it is committed by the wife:

    "It is the woman leaving the house of her husband without his permission and keeping her husband from her without due right."

    "It is the woman departing from the obligatory obedience to her husband, her preventing him from her in the bed, her leaving the house without his permission to a place that she knows he would not permit her to go, her leaving the rights of Allah upon her, such as performing the purification of ghusl or fasting Ramadan, and her locking the door on her husband, keeping him out."

    "It is the wife disobeying her husband elevating herself above what Allah has obliged upon her and her raising herself above fulfilling her obligatory duties."

    "It is the wife's disobedience of her husband concerning those acts of obedience that are obligatory upon her from the rights of marriage."

    "It is where the wife raises herself above her husband and she is diffident towards him in the sense that she does not obey him when he calls her to his bed or she leaves the house without his permission and so forth. It is when she withholds from him his right to her obedience."

    From all the different definitions, we see that nushuz on the part of the wife revolves around any of four characteristics:

    She does not beautify herself for her husband when he desires that from her.

    She disobeys her husband with respect to coming to his bed and she refuses to respond to his calls.

    She leaves the house without his permission or without any legal right to do so.

    She does not perform her obligatory religious duties, such as failure to perform some prayers, fasting Ramadan, covering her 'awra, or any other obligatory act of Islam.

    Nushuz on the Part of the Husband

    The jurists have defined nushuz when it is from the husband as follows:

    "It is where the husband hates his wife and brings about harm to her."

    "The husband transgresses against his wife and harms her by boycotting her, hitting her in ways not called for by the law, irritating her, abusing her, reviling her, such as cursing and insulting her, etc."

    "For the husband to transgress her by hitting her of harming her or having very bad behavior towards her."

    "It is for him to harm her by beating her or making life difficult for her or keeping her from getting her rights fulfilled such as proper division between co-wives, support, etc."

    So, nushuz when it is committed by the husband, revolves around the following point:

    The husband wrongfully elevating and raising himself arrogantly above his wife and above the obligations which Allah has placed upon him with regard to her.

    He transgresses against her by beating her, harming her, reviling her, abusing her and not treating her properly.

    He fails to fulfill his mandatory obligations toward her such as support, etc.

    He becomes diffident toward her and unconcerned for her by boycotting her in talk or in the bed, refusing to speak to her, etc.

  21. Why did you just agree to the marriage? That's really selfish on your part just because you wanted to look good in the eyes of your parents? My sister also did this she went along with my mothers wishes and then years down the line was very unhappy with this man even though he have her good reason to be unhappy. But she didn't help with her negative attitude and his disgraceful attitude. I also explained to her that if she was unhappy better to end this now but she said she was doing this for parents. I was angry inside but respected her decision. Later just because of these two people my whole family was destroyed I lost my relations with my family because I defended my sister when she wanted to leave him (he was not a good person he was using her for visa). My parents and brothers turned against me and now today that same sister has disowned me saying I'm having an affair with her husband. Point being that selfish acts of trying to be the angel affects families very badly. You have hurt this guy unnecessarily in your poor attempt to please your parents. How do you think they will feel now?

  22. assalam o alaikum

    i don't know if you are unlucky or your husband. as a man i would suggest you to take up divorce option because he is also stuck with someone who wont love him and he should find somone who would love him.

    if i was in his place i definitely would be spending life with someone who loves me and not hates or is repelled by me

    i think you should tell your husband that you don't love him and ask for divorce

  23. Assalamu aleykum sister...
    if the man have good heart and doesn't want to heart you... if only reason to divorce is not loving him... ask Your Allah to put in your heart and eyes love.. if he is kind to You and never heart you.. don't worry about his attractive, I've married men that I didnt like at all too but he have a really good heart I praid to Allah to close my eyes from badness and open for goodness I started love him so much and I only know it was my Allah power... I cried only to my Allah sis observe him find in him his beauty.. allah has created every human with beauty..maybe his beauty is in his intensions. .. stay blessed
    assalamu aleykum

  24. Assalam o Alaikum

    When a man and a woman marry each other, it is their utmost wish to remain in this relation of wedlock forever. They are desirous of the fact that the change in times not change their commitment to each other and only death separate them in this world. But then, sometimes there does arise a situation when part they must. Differences become so pronounced that it becomes necessary to sever this relationship. If such circumstances do befall that a husband and wife must separate permanently, Islam lays down a specific procedure for this separation. In Islamic terminology this dissolution of marriage is called Talaq (divorce). It says that both a man and a woman have an equal right to it. The only difference is that a man divorces a woman while a woman demands a divorce from her husband.
    So this is Islamic terminology, dear Sister Islam undoubtedly permit us what do you want but as good deeds have been told by you about your husband I don't think so you should have been divorced by him because of only reason that he does not attract you. Actually whatever you were suffering from, it happens with every girl in her inception days of marriage instead of demanding divorce i am hoping that you followed the above injunctions of sister Saba and would have been living your life happily with your husband.

    Aadil Nawaz

  25. What makes you unhappy is the fact that you were not given the liberty to choose. It has nothing to do with your husband.

    Feeling forced (you agreed to marry him just to please your parents), and the fact that he likes you make you think he's part of those people who forced you, or even worse, he is the culprit of this whole thing.

    Try to see this from his point of view. He may not want the arranged marriage in the first place. He might have had his own choice of wife. But just like you, he wanted to make his parents happy and agreed to marry you. He tried to like you as much as possible. The process he went through was not much different from what you experienced. He only talked to you 4x a week. He didn't know you that well either.

    I hope by putting yourself in his shoes you'll see the problem more clearly. It is not him that you dislike. It was the way you two were "arranged". Make the best of what you have. Besides, from your story, he might turn out to be the best for you.

    • Why do u hate him?

      He is human. There is a hadith.

      If you hate one thing about him, find something that u can love about him.

      🙁 I know how much he is gonna get hurt.

      I can feel it.

      You know what? I have never taken a gf ever in my life as I wanted just 1 girl in my life. With whom I can be forever. I found this girl. Married her. She seems to love me a lot. I do everything she asks from me. The only time that I'm away from her is when we go to work and the times I got to gym which is for just 2 hours 3 days a week. I m wirh her all the time im free. Even for my lunch durinf my office hours and after office hours till the next day we go to office.

      But there are times she just gets so angry about me and just blames me for lots of unwanted things. She always say I don't spend any time with her. If I buy her gifts she might not like them and blame me for that in the future u always buy useless things. She says I don't have time for her which is also untrue. I sacrifice my hobbies just to be with her. I reject my time with family members to be with her. She says I don't know anything. I'm useless eventhiugh I have spent thousands of dollars on her. I don't know. She sometimes say there are people much attractive than me and more romantic than me.

      I don't know. I take her out like almost everyday for lunch and dinner. I give her everything she wants if I have money. I be there everyday to pick up her at her office I leave my office early sometimes to make it convenient for her. Even sometimes if I go like 30 seconds late to pick her she would be very angry and blame me for that for the rest of the day.

      Once I was at home. Bought her some gifts and kept in the shelves so she will find it when she opens the door. When I reached her office she was coming out of the main door. She saw me reaching there then. She got mad saying I have got late and just blamed me for it. The next day I found the gifts I bought for her were broken by her into pieces. But I never complained about it nor I pretended seeing it.

      🙁 she sometimes gets physical while she is angry. I was once a very patient person. Which a lots of people have told me. I was a very calm person. But now, I'm different. I get angry with a lots of people.

      I really love her. Its so fun to be with her when she is happy. But I always live in fear that she will get angry. Whenever she is not with me I always fear that when she meets me she will be angry when I meet her. I really love her. But her negative mind really hurts me. For which sometimes I think. I m sure there would have been girls who would really appreciate me for being single for the rest of my life just to be with her. Girls who would really appreciate me for all the time I give her. Girls who would have loved me for who I am. 🙁

      I m really sad. I have always wanted just 1 person in my life who would be with me in Jannatul Firdouse happily. I always dreamt as a child. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I love her when she is not angry. But it really hurts that she blames me for little things that I can't even control. Sometimes I think if I died early. Astagfirullah. But I never will ever commit suicide and that's for sure. :'(

  26. I think
    You should
    Go for Religious point of.view
    If same problems happen with u what should your action

  27. Hi aisha still there? Please update i am in exacttttt same situation

  28. Its a same story but the things that make us different is that it's been 4 years since I'm pretending with 4 kids
    I was born and raised in Saudi Arabia ny husband used to work in Makkah.We decided to have our Nikah there then went Pakistan for the proper wedding lived there got pregnant after 1 week came back to SA to my parents in this time he lost his 13 year old job and went Pakistan n then he started to call me n said if I wont come to Pak i will divorce u not knowing the divorce wont happent with a baby in my belly i got scared and ran Pak to save my marriage even though i hate him before our marriage we got engaged for three times nust because I hated him so much but for the sake of ny father I had to marry him because he was my father's sister's son I told my mother I dont want to get married at least not to him but she said pretend u'll be fine and ur father just got ur open heart sugery till now I hate him And dont want to sleep woth him nor do I want to leave him
    Because he is my children's father even though he hadnt earn to raise my kids because he is jobless since our marriage my parents are raising ny kids their medical their diapers milk their paper work their cloths all have been done by my parents and i can support my children bc I can do a job I am educated and my husband doesnt get a job is he is educated but till the 10th standard and do u know when he is gone not in the same room qith mw I feel free relaxed my mind works peoperly i can think of things i never thought before like how to support my kids how to do a job at home or how should I make myself worth living ,when he is around i feel disgusted i dnt want to talk to him properly i dont want to smell his perfume but at the end he is my children's father so i am bearing but I want to be separated how I domt know I dont want my children to think that their mother was a coward and when my husband asks me if i love him i say no he thinks i am pretending but actually i am telling the truth

  29. Oh my god this is the same situation I am in right now!

  30. There is a Hadith (not sure exactly and also not sure about its its authenticity,so I ask Allah To Forgive me if I am wrong) in which the Prophet SAW allows a woman to divorce her husband jus because she couldn't stand his face
    So just leave him don't act childish and whine and make excuses. You are not married to him as you rejected him in your heart.
    Wedding should be easy, with a "I do" one gets married then why not with a "I want to get out" can a person instantly not be able to walk out.
    All theses modern cultures that forces men and women into marraige counseling and force them to stay together disgusts me and pulls back people from gaining independence and happiness and promotes depression and then leads to crimes like murder and husbands raping their wives.
    You don't want to stay with him then just get out. If your mother threatens to commit suicide then she should know how haraam it is and she will go to hell for that. She is not a nice person forcing her own daughter to sleep with a man. How different she is from those who sell their own daughters. Tell her your divorce is allowed by Allah SWT. During the times of the Sahabas divorce was very common and frequent. Are we better than them by not divorcing! Muslim should keep in mind since we are not allowed to date there is no way for us to know if our spouse is right for us or not unless we marry them. So it should be easy for us to divorce as we like after getting married and find out he/she is not the one. And if any Muslim frowns upon divorce then let him/her know that he/she is frowning upon something which Allah has bestowed upon us as his mercy. Or else we would be stuck in a prison of misery and never be able to get out.
    Go ahead tell that man who probably married you only to come to USA that you don't like him. Pakistani Indian men are so lame that they even make the brides parents pay for the wedding banquet and for furniture and airline tickets and car and what not. No parents should ever give their daughter to such sissy men anyways.

  31. I am in the same position as you but with e opposite events. I'll explain. My marriage was a love marriage, I wanted to marry him. It's only been a month of our marriage and I don't love him anymore. The worst part is everyone told me not to get married so soon, even my mom. But I just wanted to get married. I don't love him anymore because he lied to me about a lot of things before marriage, mainly concerning his past and I understand that the past is the past but because of his lies I no longer respected him like a husband. Divorce is the most hated permissible thing to Allah. So I just deal with it. Allah has a plan for us all. Stay strong and just pretend to be happy and pretend to like him. Because it's not fair for him. You can't bring a nice guy to a new place and change his whole life then leave him... think about his feelings. I'll pray for you

  32. I’m 28 years old. August 2016 our marriage finished...

  33. i am in a similar situation...be nice to everyone, parents know the best, be shy....all the qualities of a NICE girl demand self sacrifice...i got married becz my elders told me we think he is a nice guy from a nice religious family and your a girl so you will be confused thats natural.....if you dont like anyone else say yes...i did istkhara and i did it.... i actually tried the hardest part of telling my husband HOW I FEEL....he is still my husband, a man of extraordinary character.... all his life he didnt have any realtionship and all he ever prayed was that he may fall in love with his wife and he did but i am still standing there (03 years back ) why did i do this to myself and him and his family??? i used to bring this up so frequently that both families knew before this marriage i am actually being forced... within a week of proposal we were nikkahfied....and that was the biggest problem after almost an year we were married....they all took me as a child and this whole family is watching for me like GOLD.... i keep telling myself if this dosent satisfy you what will?? AND YOU CANNOT DENNY THE FACT THAT IT WAS YOUR DESTINY....i have done an extensive research on this topic and its true.....my husband told me his love for me is increasing day by day no matter what i do and he dosent know why...and i would feel more guilty more guilty and more guilty....this man would happily sacrifice his life for me and i have seen him sacrificing everythig for me....nothing matters more than me...and his family is also treating me like a princess all of them....but m still standing there

  34. AOA,

    Im in a very similar boat. I only got married because of my parent's wish.We live in Canada and met this family and I was willing to give it a try only for my parents. I met the guy for a year, he was really nice but I never liked him. His company never grabbed my attention I always got bored with his conversations, i was also not attracted to his physique. I told my mom but she convinced me that this was the right rishta for me and I shouldnt be so picky. So I tried to be obedient and thought of being a good person, and look at the bigger picture.
    It's been 4 months and Im still not attracted to him. I tried many times but I never like it when he comes close to me, I cringe when he touches me and I have kept my feelings to myself. I also get very bored of his presence and am very depressed around him. I am a much happier person when he is not around and the situation is getting worse. I have been forcing myself to like him for 1 year but still unable. I dont want to live with him anymore. I would rather be alone than be in a relation like this. I told my parents but they do not acknowledge the fact that I am not happy or crying all the time. I am able to support myself as i am financially stable. My question is, why should I live with a person that I don't feel happy with? Please help me. I m crying all the time, and this is not making anyone happ

  35. Ask the guy how he feels about you. Why he wishes to marry and if he feels any connection. If he feels the same way as you, no connection then hopefully he will tell his parents then you won't be forced to get married. You can't stand the site of him yet him being closer to you then can you imagine on your wedding night. Will you be all happy and smiling at your wedding. It's not fair to the guy, he deserves someone who truly wants him for who he is.

  36. Is he a good person, treats you kindly, does anything about him give you the butterfly feeling?

    You don't want to breakup the marriage because your parents won't let you. How does he feel to be married to you? Is he happy? I don't think his sexual desires are fulfilling because you can't give him. Is that fair?

    I don't know what to say but at the end of the day you can make the happiness.

    • He is a very good person. But does not give me any butterflies. Tried very hard to make it happen whenever he comes close to me. My mom cries about it which makes me feel guilty. And yes, his sexual desires are not being fulfilled. Its not fair for him, but its also not fair for me to put myself in a situation where I do not feel good.

      • Your mom is crying because she worries what the society will think. She’s not caring about your feeling. Instead is making you feel guilty as if you are the problem. Tell her that your are struggling everyday and it’s not fair to both of you. Or be very open towards your husband.

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