Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I don’t love her anymore…

family argument, not talking, feud, dispute

Salaam I would like some advice about my marriage. I really hope this post can be published ASAP as I need help urgently.

I got married in 2013, and separated a few months after the marriage due to my wife's constant arguing. I just felt as though I could never make her happy. After the marriage she was always nagging or arguing mainly because she wanted to live in her own house, she and my mother didn't get along. Quite often these arguments would go late into the night and she just wouldn't let go of things. She would get frustrated and aggressive. Her main reason for arguing was that she didn't feel loved by me and that I was dishonest and disorganised about living arrangements. She would call me a liar.

She also felt neglected because I didn't sleep with her as much as she wanted me to, mainly because after the arguments I didn't feel like it.

Also, she kept nagging me to give her the mahr which I found quite cheap. She got upset because I said we should pay 50% for the groceries, she said it was my role to provide. She then got upset because she offered to give me money for a deposit for the house but I refused to buy a house with her.

My mother doesn't like her and neither do the rest of my family. My mother has said that if I want to get back together with her I need to move out of the family home. My mother knows I can't afford to get a place on my own.

I think deep down She has a good heart, she's well educated, and way more successful than me, but I have these mental scars of all the arguments in my head because she would be so aggressive. I can't seem to move past that. She's really needy, she wasn't like this before or even after the nikkah, she changed after we moved in together.

To complicate things she also accidentally discovered some flirty text messages between me and a woman I met whilst I was away and she went absolutely mental. I know it was wrong, but her reaction was so aggressive. As usual We ended up fighting through the night, she became quite aggressive. This was the last straw so after this I left the home and told her to go back to her parents home. This was approximately 14 months ago. Whilst we were separated she forged false accounts of me on social media In order to chat to that woman and find out more information of the extent of our interactions, which she did and obviously she found out a lot of things that I'm embarrassed about, but I am not admitting to it and I'm angry that she would go to such extent to find out information.

Despite this, she has been trying persistently to make things work and save this marriage. Every time I threaten her with divorce she cries and won't accept it. She has apologised numerous times and is practically begging me take her back and make the marriage work. I can see that she's trying hard. My family especially my mother are adamant that I divorce her. They won't accept her. I've cut off contact with her now, but haven't filed for divorce even though I have told her that I have. She hasn't tried to contact me either since I told her that I don't want to be with her, which I am surprised about. I know she will contact me at some point she always does because she is desperate to make the marriage work. I just don't have any feelings for her anymore and I don't love her anymore and she says it's cruel that I can say this.

confusedhusband


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82 Responses »

  1. asalamu alaikum,

    wow, few months and you having this much problems? as newly weds the first year should be the best. i can see, she has anger issues, but you are wrong. its your duty to provide etc.

    how could you not give her a chance? when a person begs, its the worst thing anyone can do. if she is trying to make things work, then you do your part and try to make it work.

    every marriages has problems, it's no walk in the park. through understanding, compromising, being patient, calm, are some of the elements required to make a marriage work. be mature about the way you deal with it plus your marriage is at it's early stage, so don't divorce. i will tell you something, nothing, i mean nothing makes the devil happy then to see 2 Muslims separate, so don't give that filthy devil the last laugh. last but not least ask Allah to make things easy and give you a lot of baraqah in your marriage.

    peace

  2. Okay let me be bluntly honest. From your post and your own words I find you at fault for most things. It is the girls right to get her Mahr upon nikkah unless she okays it being delayed. Also it is your job to provide for your wifes needs even if she is a filthy millionaire. If she shares her money with you then their is blessing for her in doing so. You have to respect your mom, however if your wife wants to live separately and you can afford it then it is reasonable for you to move out. If you cannot afford it and she can and she offers then its worth pursuing if it can save your marriage. Out of all the things that Allah has allowed divorce is the one most disliked. Also if you cannot forgive then dont expect Allah to forgive you. I think she is a good women to forgive your adultry yes flirting on texts is adultry whether yyou like it or not. She deserves better and you deserve someone who is just like you. ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. what do you expect YOU CHEATED ON HER SHAME ON YOU. You should be the one making the marriage work, I too believe you have changed. Marriage takes two to make it work and why you making out she is the one causing the problems the way I see it your a player too and if i was your wife and found out you had been sending flirty texts to another I would do exactly what your wife had done that was her right she is your WIFE. How do you think this made her feel??

    To me it seems like you want an excuse to get out of this marriage and your using your mum as an excuse. You need to be a man and really think of your errors too and your wife to look at her behavior too as I believe your the cause of it too. Either make the marriage work or move on and BE HONEST!

  4. Thank you for your advices but you are all ignoring the fact that she became so aggressive and angry, all those arguments into the night. She made my life miserable just because she wanted to live seperately, I know my mum is hard work but why should I leave my mother for her?

    • I don't think anyone is saying leave your mother at all but the arguments were about living separately. As a wife and mother myself it is difficult to live under someone else roof, for instance you said you argued into the night this must have been embarrassing for you but she is the stranger in your mothers home. I could not even imagine the embarrassment she felt having to face your family after. You also said you do not love her anymore my question is could you ever love her again. You saw something in this woman that made you marry her and promise to devote your life to her forever is it possible to find that again.

      It is obvious you would need to live separately maybe rent a small apartment try to work on it for a year she may be a whole new person if you compromised just a little bit.
      My husband and I could barley afford food when we got married but we never returned home to our parents homes we struggled together and now we prosper together Alhamdulallah.

    • Dear Brother,

      You need to answer this question sincerely:

      Do you want people's advice OR do you want someone to tell you that you are/were right?

    • What do you expect from a woman when you repeatedly deny her her rights? She has a right to a separate home, a right to her mahr (she's cheap for asking for it????? You're cheap for not giving it to her!!!) and a right to intimacy, all of which you deny, and on top of it you're cheating on her. What did you expect her to do? Sit there and take it like a punching bag? She's a human being that Allah has given rights and needs and desires, and she is under no obligation to sacrifice those so that you aren't "miserable." Believe me, she is much more miserable than you are, and the fact that she still wants to salvage your marriage shows that she's a much better person than you are right now. Unfortunately for her you are not a man but a little boy who does not have the maturity to see beyond himself and what he wants and cannot admit to his own mistakes. It's Ramadan brother, use this time to pray, learn about your religion and about how the Prophet and his companions treated their wives, and GROW UP. Otherwise you will not be a fit husband for her or anyone else.

    • Are you married to mum? Be a man and take charge of the situation to save the marraige! Islamic community is giving you same advice in every comment, so maybe there is a trend you need to really follow to fix the situation...

    • having a place of her own is one of her rights, you cheated her out of her mahr as well and that is compulsory for you to give to her and you cheated on her with another woman as well, I dont understand why she is still with you.

  5. OP: To complicate things she also accidentally discovered some flirty text messages between me and a woman I met whilst I was away and she went absolutely mental......... Whilst we were separated she forged false accounts of me on social media In order to chat to that woman and find out more information of the extent of our interactions, which she did and obviously she found out a lot of things that I'm embarrassed about, but I am not admitting to it and I'm angry that she would go to such extent to find out information.

    Admit your mistakes and get back with her. Leave your parents home. She will have hard time trusting you.

  6. You should be the one asking her for a chance!
    How would you have reacted if you found flirty messages of her with someone else?

    She might have been a headache for you when arguing throughout the night, and I'm not excusing her, she should have been a little more mature about it, but maybe that was the only way she could get though to you, because it seems as you just checked out of the marriage..

    It is your responsibility to provide for her, what I see here is that you are just looking for any excuse to end the marriage, think of what your doing and your actions, pray to Allah so he can forgive you!
    For the sake of your marriage you should have moved out it might have made things easier for both of you.

    It seems as if you don't want a real honest opinion, what you want is for everyone to agree with you, and that's not going to happen brother, I pray that you see thighs clear before it's too late!

  7. Assalam alaikum,

    Dear Brother,

    I know you have signed your post as 'confusedhusband', but frankly, there is no confusion. The only reason why you might feel confused is if you want whatever you want at any expense, but when you faced challenges in getting that, you wondered if you couldn't find 'greener' grass elsewhere.

    One thing at a time. One knot at a time needs to be untied.

    If your wife constantly argues with you and also with no reason, what is the confusion? If you feel she is not obedient enough, does not make you happy, does not have worth in your life, then really you need to end this chapter. BUT, if that is unsettling to you and you don't feel that it is right, ask yourself why is that? How come you can't just let her go despite your complaints in her nature? Perhaps, it isn't that simple?

    You know, if you watered a plant with water a little, but sometimes substituted that water with poison--just a little..a few drops here and there, the plant doesn't need to know that it is being poisoned--the effect would simply take place. Your marriage, despite your blame on your wife for her arguments, was being poisoned just a little with your mother's views and the woman you had on the side. Whether your wife pursued it and found it out, or whatever it was, her feeling not loved by you and not being able to let it go was a result of the little poison here and there. Now, maybe she has some character flaws, but I would say that support in your marriage, along with maturity is seriously lacking.

    "She also felt neglected because I didn't sleep with her as much as she wanted me to, mainly because after the arguments I didn't feel like it."

    You know, if a woman had written in about how she didn't want to sleep with her husband in the initial part of marriage, the Hadith police would be telling her that she was bound for hell and that her feelings didn't matter--that it was her right. You know what, it's true, that a wife has to fulfill her husband's need, but she has the same right to intimacy that her husband has as well. No wonder she felt neglected...And I think it was easy for your to NOT want to sleep with her because again, you had a mistress on the side.

    As for mahr and paying 50% for the groceries--Listen, it really doesn't sound like you are interested in a serious relationship at this point. You want her to put up with your mother, you want her to feel valued but send the message of neglect, you want her to dish out money and then you call her cheap--I don't hear that you value her--and if I as a stranger do not, how would she be feeling?

    As for your mother not liking her, that really isn't a problem. The problem is that how our mother feels about your wife is influencing you--care to tell your mother about the other girl? I don't think your mother would like her either. So, if you care about your mother's opinion, then really care and be just, otherwise, you are just using it when it is in your 'favour.'

    If your mother has given you her decision regarding your wife and that is what you want to do, you probably shouldn't continue this charade. It is breaking her life and yours. Then, on top of that, you have told her you have filed for divorce papers, but in reality have not, this isn't a game brother. Please, fear Allah swt.

    As for her discovering your flirty text messages and digging deeper into your relationship on the side, I don't think you should be angry with her. I mean, this is wrong. You even write that you are not admitting to it--does that mean it happened, but you just won't admit it? If you don't feel bad about it or you don't even want to repent for that and change your ways, it is completely unclear what you expected from her? What this supposed to make the marriage flourish?

    On top of everything, you have ordered her to leave your home--even if you were going to divorce her, she has the right to remain in your home and it is your responsibility to provide for her during that time while three divorces take place. None of this is right.

    You want a little bit of an Islamic marriage, a little bit of a cultural marriage and a little bit of a 50/50 marriage and a little bit of an affair. You want it all and you can't. You want her to put you on a pedestal and unfortunately, you might get that, but you would be standing there all alone in the end.

    Decide which marriage you want and go for that. Stop playing games in your marriage and keeping your wife in limbo. Be true to yourself, seek advice from an Imam, pray Isthikhara, ask Allah to forgive you for your mistakes, and then fix this mess. If you can't love her and can't not be cruel to her, then let her go in kindness. You are willing to see all her mistakes, but once in a while, we should use our eyes to see ourselves. She will stop arguing once you stop poisoning the marriage.

    May Allah swt ease your hardships and may Allah swt help us to find guidance on the straight path, Ameen.

    • "You want a little bit of an Islamic marriage, a little bit of a cultural marriage and a little bit of a 50/50 marriage and a little bit of an affair. You want it all and you canโ€™t. You want her to put you on a pedestal and unfortunately, you might get that, but you would be standing there all alone in the end."

      Summary is perfect description.
      To the confused brother: you need to close your mouth and listen to your wife more.

  8. Confused brother ,

    I see you have cheated with other woman .Don't you think it will lead to arguments and aggressive behavior ? You are at fault here .

    Also you are supposed to provide finance to her .You can't ask her for money ..

    Don't listen to your mom or others .Almost all of mom in laws will be giving negative feedback about daughter in laws even if she is good ...

    First you need to correct your ways and follow the straight path instead of flirting and sinning ..

    Clearly you are at fault here .They way you have describe your flirting text message without remorse and very casually shows you have some problem in your heart because of excessive sinning ...It will become dark due to continuous sinning ..Change your ways ...

  9. I never said I don't feel bad about the other woman I only flirted with her which was wrong, and it was only for a few weeks. But the woman came later, her behaviour before this killed the love. She wanted me to buy her a house and live seperately, she did in fact offer to help buy a house instead of a flat so that my mother could still live with us, but i wasn't sure if I was going to divorce her so why buy a house together? She wasn't patient enough to just wait for a little while to see how things would go.

    • Also she is forgetting the fact that I put a lot of effort into the honeymoon, I never made her clean up after me though she did it voluntarily, I gave her freedom to go wherever she wanted, since she was travelling so much for work I used to cook dinner on some nights before she got home because I knew she would be tired. Why couldn't she focus on those good things rather than the negativity.

      • See, in marriage normally what happens is each spouse thinks that he has done some favor to other by doing so and so .Basically marriage comes up with its own responsibilities and we compare our bachelor life to this new responsibilities and think we have done some favor ......Your main issue was about house and lot of things you mixed up including your affair and it became complicated now ...As she want to be with you then I think you both need to clean up this mess one by one ..Just you both need to talk and solve these ......

        Most of issues will be still there even if you marry second time to less talkative woman .

  10. This is interesting - so you don't see your own faults instead you seem to be focussing on your wife's minor flaws which are most likely a reaction to the circumstances and frustrations of being ignored, neglected and tolerating your mum. I don't even know what to say, I feel sorry for your wife. She has no hope with a man like you, your too arrogant to understand your own flaws. I'm sure you've messed with her head and made her feel this is all her fault. Grow up !

  11. Salam,
    You just need someone to tell you that you have the worst wife ever and you should leave her pronto. But sadly, here people tend to give the honest truth whether you like it or not. If you are so sure that she is a very bad wife why are you stringing her along? Its been fourteen months and you havent left her? Honestly, the poor woman deserves much better than you and I pray that Allah swt does what is best for her. You cheated on her and she nags im sorry but there is no comparison go ahead get married to the woman youre cheating on ur wife with and you will see that she will also NAG.
    grow up. Marriage is not a walk in the park and you are obviously not seeing your own faults. If she is begging you to take her back that means she respects Marriage asnd understands the gravity of the situation.

    How is it surprising for u that she hasnt texted u after u said ure gonna leave her? Brother, whether u like it or not you WILL lose her one day with the attitude u have right now. She can easily find someone better than you who wont cheat on her and love her for who she is and maybe then she wont NAG so much and be a better wife.

    There is a reason why mehr is called HAQ mehr because it is a woman's right it isnt cheap it is her right. If your mother is adamant that you divorce her your mother should fear God so should you hopnestly. This is a PERSON we are talking about not a commodity. Shame on you and your family.

  12. Every time I threaten her with divorce she cries and won't accept it. She has apologised numerous times and is practically begging me take her back and make the marriage work. I can see that she's trying hard. My family especially my mother are adamant that I divorce her. They won't accept her. I've cut off contact with her now, but haven't filed for divorce even though I have told her that I have. She hasn't tried to contact me either since I told her that I don't want to be with her, which I am surprised about. I know she will contact me at some point she always does because she is desperate to make the marriage work. I

    May God forgive you for being so heartless and give you hidaya. These tears that are falling from your wife's eyes you will have to pay for this one day inshaAllah. Fear God if you are not man enough to take a woman's responsibility just do her a favor and leave her. But if you have fear of God in your heart think about all the suggestions given to u here and take her back and start a new life with her. This woman deserves better than u and she probably knows it but she is only begging u because she loves u.

  13. You wrote that "My family especially my mother are adamant that I divorce her. They won't accept her. I've cut off contact with her now"

    Think of Judgement day and also remind your mother and your family about it.

  14. You all seem to be siding with her, I understand I have made some mistakes, but I can't get rid of the mental scars of her arguing and aggression. She wanted a house to live in but I was living right there with her wherever we were I didn't leave her on her own. She wanted intimacy etc but how could she expect that from me after all the arguments, I'm not an animal.

    • It's amazing how you won't see, your too blind and focus on your own self that you go against anyone who says otherwise.

      No one is saying she was right to argue throughout the night, but we are saying is that much of this it is your own fault! By denying her the rights she's intitled to. Open your eyes brother step down a little be humble aren't you afraid of God?
      You were old enough to marry be old enough to take care of your wife.

    • Brother, you have written:

      "Also she is forgetting the fact that I put a lot of effort into the honeymoon, I never made her clean up after me though she did it voluntarily, I gave her freedom to go wherever she wanted, since she was travelling so much for work I used to cook dinner on some nights before she got home because I knew she would be tired. Why couldn't she focus on those good things rather than the negativity."

      You put a lot of effort into the honeymoon by NOT expecting her to clean up after you. I don't know if I read that wrong or if you are genuinely serious--if it is the latter, you are thoroughly self-absorbed. As for giving her freedom, marriage isn't suppose to be jail. Where on earth is it written that a husband can't cook for his wife if she is tired? I mean, these things you have mentioned are rather normal for many couples, but you are acting like they were super-amazing things that she should have been head-over-heals for. Even a woman who never works outside the home has it rough. A homemaker is basically on call for 24 hours, while most working people have an 8 hour shift--a time to check in and a time to check out--so, even if she was only at home, a husband should still be considering offering a helping hand to his wife. This is called balancing in marriage. It is about love, consideration, respect and mutual understanding. Sometimes those things take time to come close to perfection--but it sure doesn't help when you have family egging you to divorce her. Again, if you were to involve the other woman in your life, you would see real quick how your mother would react to her to and in no time, it would be the same story.

      Also:
      "She wanted me to buy her a house and live seperately, she did in fact offer to help buy a house instead of a flat so that my mother could still live with us, but i wasn't sure if I was going to divorce her so why buy a house together?"

      You didn't want to buy a home with her because you didn't know if you were going to divorce her--it seems you have it in your mind that you need an exit plan for this marriage--that is kind of difficult to repair. Maybe you should have put more effort into the "marriage" and not just the honeymoon period.

      Honestly, if she is such a problem and there is nothing worth salvaging, what is the confusion then? Again, you keep defending yourself about most things and saying your wife was wrong, but what about the way in which you are conducting this separation. It isn't even being done in an Islamic way--you were not supposed to make her leave your home. You were supposed to keep on maintaining her. Yes, she probably should not have argued--but even in divorcing her for this reason, you still would have to uphold your duties. My point being that you have failed on those accounts and judge her more harshly than you judge yourself. I would say there are several things on your plate as well that you should not have done. If you have sympathy for yourself, then share some with her.

      All talk aside, sit by yourself and ask Allah for guidance and ask yourself if you were to answer to Allah swt, would you be satisfied with what you would have to say in your defence. It doesn't matter what we think or how we might misunderstand you--what matters is when you have to answer to the one who Created you--so if you feel peace inside for how much you have tried--then that should be enough; however, if you feel dissatisfied and unrest at the situation, perhaps you already have your answer.

    • We are not taking side of her, we know that nagging caused those scars but we want you to see that she nagged because you didn't fulfilled her rights.

      I think you don't even know the purpose of Marriage, we are not supposed to marry just for the sake of family or society and then divorce because our families don't like the spouse. You are responsible , not your family. You have to be Just between her and your mother/family.

      Allah(swt) did not give anyone authority to order divorce, be it mother or father.

      I am sorry if I sounded harsh but you reminded me of my ex-husband. Yes, I used to nag because I wasn't given Meher, I wasn't given anything in gift which was promised from them and I was asked to give my complete salary to his father.. which was all against my rights. Yes , I nagged and in my case, I conceived very early so he , thinking on same line as yours, not seeing his faults or cause of nagging but just tired of nagging, followed up what his family said, especially his father and mother's command was to divorce me, so he abandoned me with my child and later divorced.

      Believe me, its 3 years now, Alhamdulillah I'm blessed with a baby boy and work hard to provide him everything which his father would have provided but chosed not to because of pressure from his family.

      I pity him because I know he is enjoying his life now with his family, visiting Mecca , doing Umrah etc but I know there is a Judgement day and if not for me, but he has to answer for our kid. I pity him because instead of fixing issues in this world, he opted a way which can give him immediate worldly peace but made him liable for things which will be asked on Day of Judgement. Not just him, but his parents and other family members too.

      Anyways.. if you don't want to see your faults, then nobody can help you. I am happy that kids are not involved in your case.

      Whatever you do, please a sincere advise, just read Quran with Tafseer, Read the rights of everyone. Allah(swt) never said to hold/withdraw the rights of one relation to make other relation happy. Just read Surah Nisa'a and Surah Talaaq. Please make this effort, ask Allah (swt) to open your heart.

  15. As Salaam Alaikum brother,

    I ask Allah to help me convey goodness and to guide you and your wife to whatever holds khair for you both.
    These are my sincere points as a brother :-

    1. Yes, I do understand nagging left scars on you, as you mention that also understand that you flirting with another women would also have left scars on her -- see from her point of view as well
    - Also we have a narration that Omar Ibn Khattab's wife nagged to him, he was the khalifa of the time, yet he listened to her. As a man your beauty is in trying to ignore those nags in a beautiful manner, maybe this is your test from Allah.

    2. You are responsible to take care of your mother, but you are not enslaved to your mother. By that I mean you cannot let your mother abuse your wife in any manner, you can stay in a different home and yet speak to your mother daily. Please understand, that you need both your heart and your brain to live, both have a place, and rights of their own. On those lines you as a man need to balance between your mom and your wife, not swing in any single direction.

    3. You mentioned that you do not have any love for her, I supplicate that Allah grants her love in your heart if it is of khair for both of you. Listening to what you have mentioned she sounds like a good sister, of course having some sisterly quirks, similar to what we might have that I would call "brotherly quirks". Her nagging doesnt seem to be a reason enough for divorce, I would suggest you both speak to an Islamic counselor, offer nafl salat together and Allah will grant love in your hearts.
    - All said if you still think this will not work out, do not take her back in your life half heartedly because it will cause further problems for you both. I do not advice divorce, but by what you mentioned I am afraid that you would take her back, and then divorce her later , which is not good for either one of you. Although I do care for you, I would never want such a thing to happen to my sister, so I wouldnt want that to happen to her. but Please look at all options to avoid divorce

    4. You mentioned that your mom and rest of the family is not happy with her. If it is because of her deen, then they have a right to advice you against her. If it is for worldly matters, they should have done that before marriage, now she is your wife and not some prospective proposal. Her request, advise, and desperation should also hold weight for you along with her counsel.
    - Reminder to myself -- Our Prophet (Peace be on him) mentioned that the best of you are those who are best to their wives. -- Ask yourself are you best to your wife or your best character is to someone else

    5. Irrespective of whether you divorce her or accept her back. GIVE HER THE MAHR you had promised. I am only highlighting that because if you die today, you will owe mahr to her on yaum al qiyama, it is her right, even if you divorce her now you cannot take back mahr. Also, you cannot ask her to pay 50% of expenses, sorry to be rude, but BE A MAN, it is your responsibility as a man to keep her similar to how you live, similary she has a responsibility to please you.

    Please forgive me if this suggestion is wrong or if it hurt you in any way, it is only with an intent of goodness. I supplicate that Allah makes it easy for both of you. I am not siding with either you or with her, but ask yourself , if you had a sister and she ended up (may allah protect all your sisters) in a similar situation what would you think is the best option.

    Wa As Salaam Alaikum,
    Abdullah

  16. You all talk about me cheating on my wife, that's got nothing to do with it. What about her behaviour towards me. I can't remember how many times she argued and nagged me I don't call her enough, I don't love her, how many times did I have to listen to that over and over again. Listening to her plans for the wedding, the issues with the plans, telling me to match my tie to her outfit etc etc i remained calm even though it was too much for me.
    All that money I spent on the honey moon, but she got upset because I asked her to go 50% on groceries etc, told me it was my responsibility! Kept nagging me to give her the mahr.
    All the issues about being disorganised with accommodation, all the fights and arguments all night about getting our own place to live. Where was I , I was right there next to her! Nagging that I don't give her attention, I don't take her anywhere, I don't sleep with her. That's my wife!!

    I'm angry about her reaction when she found the text messages, her family's reaction.

    I'm so hurt, she broke my heart. She took away the sweetness of marriage with all those arguments in the first few months. I thought she was sweet but she's not she's harsh. She suffocates me, she loves me too much I can't breathe, she's needy, wants my attention, she keeps nagging. That's my wife!!!

    • Okay...agreed what you said.

      Why can't you provide her a separate place to live-in, rented apartment if you cannot afford own? Is it not your duty to provide her a separate place from your family to live in?

      You paying up for marriage expenses or matching tie does not give you the chance to ask her pay for Groceries... How can you ask your wife to pay for her groceries when Allah(swt) has decreed that it is your responsibility.

      Can you answer these questions? Can you justify yourself ?

    • I'm shocked!!
      Are you really paying attention to what your saying???
      She loves you too much, that's her fault??
      I'm against divorce but you are blind and selfish! And you need a lot of growing up to do.
      Give her a divorce she deserves someone a lot better than you!

      You are angry at her reaction when she found the texts?? How would you expect her to react??

      Again you complain about her not wanting to give 50% for groceries and asking for her mahr?
      Brother don't you know this are your responsibilities?

      So many brother wish they had a wife that loved them this much and you don't appreciate it?!

      Give her divorce you don't deserve her

    • Brother, what is it that you want advice on? If you have made up your mind and you feel justified, there is no point in this conversation going on.

      It is you that will have to live with any decision and so therefore, you have to look at if you have dealt with, on your end, matters justly and fairly. If you feel she has broken your heart and done wrong, then she will have to answer to that--but we can only advise you based on the small snapshots of your life that we see--the entire picture is only with you.

      She may have had issues, but living with in-laws and newly married IS DIFFICULT. All her errors were magnified by you and then by your mother and the rest of your family.

      If you still can't make a decision, go seek counselling on your own and then if you want, go with counselling with her. And if you live with her again, remember how divorce has to be given. There is great wisdom in proper Islamic divorce--it is easy to divorce while you are apart, but if you were living together, saying the word "Talaq" and then going through each Iddah after while living in the same house isn't easy--I, again, urge you to be careful in how you conduct the next chapter of your marriage.

      • I'm finding it hard to officially divorce her.

        • And why is it that your finding it hard to officially divorce her??

          Not only are you being unfair by denying her of her rights and you nagging about her you have her in the limbo men up and do what's right!

          • I like the romantic notion of being married but with her she killed the sweetness with all her arguing. I don't love her anymore, if only I had those feelings.

          • U r very considerate abt ur mother but u dun knw the rights of a wife,perhaps slept with many girls n u think that wives can be replaced bt a mother can't be ,good thoughts u r sum mun bhi mun we are jst wastng our time

        • If, from what I wrote, you understood that I was advising divorce, then let me clearly state what I meant.

          Brother,
          In marriage, one must conduct oneself in a selfless way while not being run over. You were just married and she had to deal with living with you with your family. You didn't like her reaction or her families reaction to some things (like the texts), yet, you want her to day in and day out put up with your family. If you are from the Indian Subcontinent, I have a pretty good idea what it would be like living with in-laws.

          You are leaving her in limbo. While a man could potentially marry a second time, a woman's source of love, maintenance and care are only from her husband when she is married. I think you have a heavy burden you are carrying--and I don't know if you realize it--but romance and love--these are not effortless. They are like the fruits of good cultivation of one's relationship.

          And, whatever your notion is about 50/50--if you are so 'advanced' and want to live contemporary style--what are doing still living with your family after marriage?

          Like I said before, you want the benefits of every angle, but keep on going on about her nagging--what's the point? Honestly, if you have no intention of salvaging this marriage, you are ultimately doing her a lot of damage right now. If you have the intention of keeping her in your Nikaah, please attend some Islamic classes regarding responsibility in marriage and/or see a Muslim Marriage Counsellor.

          May Allah swt help you to mend the tears in your marriage, Ameen.

          • Very well said saba.

            Brother you need to read this Hadith and reflect:
            On the authority of Abu Barzah al-Aslami (may Allah be pleased with them), who said that the Messenger of Allah (may the blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said:
            "O believers, do not back-bite Muslims, and do not search for their faults, for if anyone searches for their faults, Allah will search for his fault, and if Allah searches for the fault of anyone, He disgraces him in his house."
            Abu Dawud

      • I like the romantic notion of being married but with her she killed the sweetness with all her arguing. I don't love her anymore, if only I had those feelings.

        Boss ,that romantic feeling will die even if you get some one who argue less . Even if you get miss world the romance will die after some time .
        All these romantic and exciting life you see is only in movies and it doesn't exist in real life ..I think you have not matured yet and stay in some false world ..

        I think what you have described are not the valid reasons to divorce .I bet if you divorce and marry next time you will get most of problems which same to same ...

        I think you need to build strong relationship with Allah ..We have seen personalities who have tolerated other's short comings for fear of Allah and not to do un justice to other person . If you are true Muslim you should be bothered about giving happiness to your wife than saying i did this that and all ..

        I would have agreed for divorce if she was Un Islamic but here the reasons what you are giving is just an excuse to run away from marriage ...Marriage is challenge and you need to face it . Don't listen to your mom or any one else ..

    • Aggressiveness and nagging are human faults. Adultery and the denial of marital rights in the form of mahr and intimacy are SINS. Do you see the difference? Do you understand?

      Furthermore, keeping her like this is also a sin. Allah says in the Quran of wives that you most either keep them with good behavior or leave them with good behavior, but do not leave them hanging neither married or divorced - which is exactly what you are doing. That's another sin in your roster brother. I hope you know that even if you do divorce her, you still owe her the mahr you agreed to. That is Allah's law, and I hope that you will at least have the decency to follow it in divorce if not in marriage. Or do you find Allah's decree to be cheap?

      Examine your faith and learn about your religion. Maybe then you'll know how to treat a wife and act like an adult.

      • I gave her the mahr after she nagged me for it so much. I thought a husband and wife would share their money, go 50/50, but she threw that back in my face and said it is all my responsibility.

        • It IS your responsibility! Learn about the role of the husband in Islam! Allah says in the Quran, that the man who has a fortune should spend from that fortune and he who has little should spend from that little amount on his family. In another Ayah Allah says men have a degree over women because of what they spend on the women to support them. And in divorce Allah says do not take back what you have given them as presents. So not only does the man support his wife in Islam, he is also assumed to give her presents! You clearly have no idea what is expected from you as a husband in Islam. It's Ramadan, read the Quran and learn what Allah wants from you!

        • Bro ,
          who told you it is 50-50 ? It is Kuffar way of management .

          In Islam all 100 % husband is supposed to provide .Even if a wife earns she is not supposed to spend on the family but if she on her own will want to spend that is fine ..

          I am getting a feel that you and your family seriously lack knowledge of islam ..

          She might be having arguing problem but your way of handling is not good ..

        • Look, you are obviously confused and that is only because you also deep down know that she is not at fault and her behavior does not deserve a divorce. You like the romantic notion of being married. Look, if you were so sure you would have divorced her by now and you say u wish u felt love for her. U cannot feel love for her unless you take her back and start living with her. You need to either make a fresh start and that includes bringing her back, stopping any haraam behavior with other women and giving her ur all. Or you could divorce her and she can go ahead and find a better man than you which i believe wont be that hard.

          Do not keep arguing with ppl here and tell them theyre taking a particular side we dont know the woman but wveryone had one stance just admit it you are wrong. Fear God.

  17. All the stuff your saying brings tears to my eyes. My husband must have had the same mindset. So whilst I was making a fool of myself and trying endlessly to explain things from the Islamic perspective he was just feeling rotten and cruel towards me. What a waste. I feel sorry for your wife, but I feel bad for you as well, your a lost cause.

  18. So everyone feels that I'm in the wrong. What should I do now then? How should I move things forward?

    • Assalaamualaikam

      If you feel that, on reflection, you'd like to try to save this marriage, then you could ask your wife to attend marriage counselling with you. She has been making efforts before, so inshaAllah she may be willing to do this. You would need to learn more about her rights in Islam (mahr, accommodation, no flirting with other women, etc) and be prepared to give her these or (for things like buying a house) at least start working towards them.

      If you feel instead that you have no love or interest in having a life with her, it may be kinder to end the marriage and allow her to find happiness elsewhere. If you do this, be sure to provide her with her mahr and try to make it clear to everyone in the situation that this was not her fault - women often bear the social 'guilt' for a divorce, and she should not have to face this when she has been trying hard.

      Before making any big decision, it can help to pray istikhara. We have several articles on this site about how to do this.

      You also need to stop flirting with other women - in fact you need to stop all unnecessary social interactions with non-mahrams. Repent for what has happened and take steps to ensure it isn't repeated.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

      • I already gave her the mahr during the marriage. I actually do feel this is all her fault if she didn't become so argumentative i wouldn't have felt this way. When she discovered the texts she kept hitting me, and as usual we argued into the night, it didn't have to be like that, she loses herself. My mother saw all this and told me to divorce her, and she still stands by the same decision. We did go for counselling once but she was just so emotional and I could still sense some anger. I'm also still angry with her family, they completely embarrassed me about the texts, eventhough I only flirted with this woman and nothing more but the woman had told my wife that we had sex. They spoke aggressively and embarrassed me in front of my whole family, her mother even went as far as saying that the same should happen to my little niece so that we understand the pain. My niece is compeltly innocent in all of this, what a rotten thing to say, I don't even want to look at her mother ever again. She suffocates me she has to know where I am all the time she's so paranoid and if I don't answer my phone or its off she will sometimes end up calling me 20-30 times because she doesn't trust me! What person does that. In the time we have been seperated I have enjoyed coming and going whenever I want, she's not there to suffocate me. She's hard work. I didn't see this side to her before we moved in.

        • Brother, the same way you are angry with her mother don't you think she was angry or upset with yours, especially since they didn't get along?! She was asking you for her right to live independently - don't you think she was angry that you were choosing your mum over her. She had to ask you to give her the mahr, if I was a man I'd be ashamed if my wife had to ask me for her rights, don't you think that made her angry. It's not just you who has feelings and can get angry and embarrassed, your wife is human too right ? So I'm sure she must experience anger and pain too.

          About her feeling paranoid and calling so often. I'm sure there is a reason behind it, no? Wouldn't you feel insecure if you actually loved your wife but discovered texts from another man. Wouldn't it drive you crazy if she switched her phone off, or you didn't know where she was. Trust needs to be earned and it can be broken within seconds.

          It seems like the only person you think about is you. I really do feel sorry for your wife. How do you expect a marriage to work if your not even willing to understand your wife's feelings. No wonder she is angry all the time, because your too arrogant to empathise with her. I know how frustrating this can be.

          Sorry to say but for some reason your completely blind to what your doing wrong. You only see your poor wife's flaws. She doesn't stand a chance with you, you will always bring her down and blame her for your own mistakes. I've been through the same thing in my marriage, and believe me, the mental scars are much bigger and harder to erase than what your blaming your wife for. Also I don't think she is hard work, I think it's you, your like a manchild.

          You really do need to turn to Allah and ask him to give you insight.

        • Salam brother,

          What's happening between you and your wife is not a novel thing. If you look through this website you'll find many similar examples, including my own story.

          Essentially it boils down to this: either you believe marriage is an important bond and you value it. You'll then see beyond the problems you and your wife have faced so far, accept your part in the breakdown of your relationship and work with her to find a way forward in the marriage. This is the choice that requires maturity and humbleness. It requires both of you to step back and stop being selfish and looking at the bigger picture. Marriage is honestly not easy- but if you both are willing to learn about each other, help one another and be a team, just you and her, then you can find a beautiful relationship inshAllah. It's not all roses and romance, but if you persevere and remain kind and understanding you might find that your wife is the best woman for you. Rebuild the trust, rebuild the love.
          The other option is to divorce and to do this in an Islamic manner- follow the law of Allah and you will be able to look back years down the line and not regret how you ended things.

          A lot of what you say is what I heard from my ex husband. Actually reading your posts, I hear his voice through your words. It's that similar. Now we are divorced, he ended it in a bad way and although I know this is Khair for me it always makes you wonder what f he chose to stay and work at things. Maybe then he wouldn't have any regrets. Even a year after the divorce he sends me a message here and there- and even though we werent meant to be had he ended things islamically I would have held respect and care for him until the day I die. He's probably left with regrets but when it's said and done it's over. I was left with regrets of my own mistakes but I learnt from them and moved on. Had he given it time and had we remained married then perhaps this would have been the point- to learn and to grow and love one another in a compassionate way.

          When you play with the words divorce, when you belittle your marriage, when you feel that her insecurities ie nagging, aggressiveness are things to use against her then you will lose. Women are more fragile than men. By picking at her small faults you will break her. You speak of her in a harsh manner- as if you really dislike her. I think you dislike what happened and how she reacted, whether wrong or right, but I think deep down inside you miss your wife and would like things to be good between you.

          Something made you marry this sister and love her. That's still there for you to find. But only if you prioritise her and stand by her will you find it again. She has already indicated that she loves you and wants to be with you. She will prioritise you if she still wants to be with you. It's not a competition- don't ever make it a thing of you against me. If you leave her she will find another man to love and be with, most likely she'll be happier in the future. Don't think you can ruin that for her. You won't. But if you see that this is your wife and you'd like to find a common ground with her, you want tons that love and commitment with her then be humble and save your marriage. Perhaps you'll have much Khair come to your life if you chose to do this. There's no guarantee that you wont find these issues again with someone different in the future. Too many of us are getting divorced too quickly and without trying to save our marriage. It's not a nice thing to experience in life especially when issues can be resolved. Other people may want you to divorce but Wallahi only you will live with it for the rest of your life. You'll still remember & feel the effects of it when others move on with their lives. Equally if you save your marriage you can make people back off.

          Your wife and you are bound by nikkah now- something worth fighting for.

          Divorce is a last final option. Try and overcome your own issues and save your marriage.

        • Assalam alaikum,

          It's really hard to read that you feel this is all her fault. Do you sincerely believe that she was being argumentative for no apparent reason? Perhaps she lacked the ability to communicate and argue "properly" but at the same time, she probably had very high hopes and expectations from you after marriage. She believed you to be a hero--granted, she may have had some even unreal expectations, but in the short time span of your marriage together, did she really have time to grow? Did she actually stand a chance? Would another woman stand a chance in the same situation?

          You keep repeating that the flirty texts were after her misbehaviour and that her misbehaviour had nothing to do as a reaction--yet, what do those texts say about you then? That you went about that behavior for no other reason but just because it gave you pleasure. And I must add that those people that normally are quick to respond about women who would flirt are awfully silent--and their silence is deafening.

          You're right. Her mother did say a rotten thing--but if you feel that that is so awful--you actually DID that rotten thing to their daughter? If you were not at fault, and if you did nothing wrong, what was so rotten? Yet, if it were all true, that horrible thing is what their daughter is going through.

          The real problem is that both you and her don't stand a chance the way things are. That is the blunt ugly truth.

          First, both of you must want to try to fix this marriage. If one of you doesn't, it's over before it started.

          2nd, if you want to make it work, your families are way to involved and talk about suffocation--it's coming from every angle. Your mother, her mother and then the families.

          If you decide to live with your family, then there have to be some ground rules that set up boundaries and respect of privacy.
          Not every discussion should be in the open or discussed later with every family member on both sides.
          When and if possible try to live separately, especially in the beginning stages of marriage to help strengthen your bond and create understanding.
          Go for counselling--both of you could learn how to communicate properly including how to argue with one another properly.
          Both of you need to make your expectations and idea of marriage clear to one another so that you are not guessing or wondering about what the other needs. And most likely, you and her don't know what you even need in marriage, so give each other time.

          You should come up with a plan for paying for the basics and make it clear to her that you are ready to own up to your responsibility--and if there are items above that, you either save for them or they are not possible unless she wants to out of her own freewill chip in.

          But all this is pointless if you won't give this marriage a sincere try. If you harbor all those bad feelings and feel it is all her fault, why are you keeping in her limbo and why did you send her away in this way? Please read:

          [65:1-12]
          "O Prophet, when you [Muslims] divorce women, divorce them for [the commencement of] their waiting period and keep count of the waiting period, and fear Allah , your Lord. Do not turn them out of their [husbands'] houses, nor should they [themselves] leave [during that period] unless they are committing a clear immorality. And those are the limits [set by] Allah .
          And whoever transgresses the limits of Allah has certainly wronged himself. You know not; perhaps Allah will bring about after that a [different] matter.

          And when they have [nearly] fulfilled their term, either retain them according to acceptable terms or part with them according to acceptable terms. And bring to witness two just men from among you and establish the testimony for [the acceptance of] Allah . That is instructed to whoever should believe in Allah and the Last day. And whoever fears Allah - He will make for him a way out

          And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah - then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a [decreed] extent.

          And those who no longer expect menstruation among your women - if you doubt, then their period is three months, and [also for] those who have not menstruated. And for those who are pregnant, their term is until they give birth. And whoever fears Allah - He will make for him of his matter ease.

          That is the command of Allah , which He has sent down to you; and whoever fears Allah - He will remove for him his misdeeds and make great for him his reward.

          Lodge them [in a section] of where you dwell out of your means and do not harm them in order to oppress them. And if they should be pregnant, then spend on them until they give birth. And if they breastfeed for you, then give them their payment and confer among yourselves in the acceptable way; but if you are in discord, then there may breastfeed for the father another woman.

          Let a man of wealth spend from his wealth, and he whose provision is restricted - let him spend from what Allah has given him. Allah does not charge a soul except [according to] what He has given it. Allah will bring about, after hardship, ease.

          And how many a city was insolent toward the command of its Lord and His messengers, so We took it to severe account and punished it with a terrible punishment.

          And it tasted the bad consequence of its affair, and the outcome of its affair was loss.

          Allah has prepared for them a severe punishment; so fear Allah , O you of understanding who have believed. Allah has sent down to you the Qur'an.

          [He sent] a Messenger [Muhammad] reciting to you the distinct verses of Allah that He may bring out those who believe and do righteous deeds from darknesses into the light. And whoever believes in Allah and does righteousness - He will admit him into gardens beneath which rivers flow to abide therein forever. Allah will have perfected for him a provision.

          It is Allah who has created seven heavens and of the earth, the like of them. [His] command descends among them so you may know that Allah is over all things competent and that Allah has encompassed all things in knowledge."

          Right now, you have some control over the situation and you can actually fix things or ruin them beyond repairing. This control over these matters is, however, temporary, because it is only Allah swt who is Competent over all things. Do what you can do now, before all this power is taken away from you. This is not a horrible situation, it is an opportunity to make things right.

          It is worrisome that if you listened to your mother when she told you to divorce your wife, but then your mother doesn't tell you that you are wrong when you expect expenses to be 50/50 or didn't pay the Mahr until she 'nagged' you. Your mother, unfortunately, is influencing you in an unIslamic way--but it is YOUR duty to be fair to your mother and your wife.

          I pray that you, for yourself, not your wife, but for yourself, find it in your heart to do the right thing. I hope that you spend many hours thinking about what has happened in your life and taking the time to really think about what is just. I hope that you find the right Islamic solution for yourself--because, if you are just to yourself, you will be just to her. If you are unjust to her, you will in fact be, unjust to yourself.

          May Allah swt guide us all and forgive us during this blessed month. May Allah swt shower your family with blessings and bring to you peace--whatever form that may be. Ameen.

  19. Sometimes marriage cannot be ended in an Islamic way if one person is abusing the other person or does not see his faults and is narcissistic. An example is if a woman is being abused then she should leave the home as soon as she can and not wait for three waiting periods in her abusive husbands home. A person has rights to leave somEone who is abusive or neglectful in anyway.

    You only see your wife' faults and not your own. You seem very narcisistic and maybe not ready for marriage or parenthood. If you truly want to just come and go as you speak then you should not be a husband or a father. A mother can not just say when she has children '' I can come and go as I want''. Nor can a friend or husband or wife. Love and marriage and every kind of relationship is responsibility and devotion. Its a good thing you have no children as well.
    Maybe you just want a free an easy life with no responsibilty. Then marriage is not for you and its best to give your wife the divorce. If she begs for you I feel sorry for her and maybe she has been so hurt that she has lost her sense of value and true worth to Allah. She deserves a better life even if she does not realize this now.
    Marriage is about trust and communication and if you do not have this then let her go in peace and kindness. Marriage was not made for people to be hurt over and over again and there are better and faithful spouses out there then you who can not even see his own faults.

    • I feel sorry for his wife too. But I also understand her dilemma. She must love him, to tolerate all this. This man sounds very similar to my husband who just can't see his own faults. He so desperately wants the marriage to end that I think he's convinced himself that it's all my fault. It's so suffocating because when i was talking to him i had to watch everything I said or did because the minute I became weak and either cried or lost my temper he would pounce and make me feel guilty, and start punishing me with the silent treatment or divorce etc. This brother is doing the same it seems. He's picking on little things that his wife did and trying to justify the divorce, but really he's just trying to cover up for his own insecurities and flaws. Either his wife doesn't realise this and he's made her feel so guilty that she's begging him, or she realises that she hasn't done anything wrong and is trying to help him become a better person and save the marriage. I've been there, it's hard to give up, but sometimes you have to.

  20. They don't have anything in their mind or heart, they don't fear God which is the crux of the matter. I feel like shaking the man whose post this is to wake him up! He reminds me so much of how arrogant my husband was, how just like this guy he couldn't see past his my flaws. But I keep praying that Allah swt guides him and unblocks his heart whether we end up together or not because he's going down such a dangerous path. But then I also feel like cursing him when I remember the things he said to me. I woke up from my sleep crying today because I'm not sure how but I managed to remember how when my husband was going away I helped him pack his suitcase, I did it out of love because he'd left it to the last minute and he was tired so I told him to rest, he checked eveyrhing and was happy with it. When he got back from his trip, he referred to me as a third party and said 'she didn't pack enough clothes for me I had to keep wearing the same clothese when I went out ' and only months later I realised he said that because whilst he was away he was partying with and dating another woman, so instead of actually looking at what he did wrong he came back and made me feel rubbish and hurt for not packing enough clothes to make him look good for his little fling.

    These men are just heartless. Just like the brother in this scenario he is so quick to judge his wife and blame her, but not once has he empathised about how hurt and broken she must have felt when she discovered he had been flirting with another woman behind her back, when he chose his mum over her. The only way men like this will ever learn is if the same happens to a sister, niece, daughter in the future, or if a miracle happens and they're guided.

    • They will always put the blame on you. I believe this is narcissism at it's best. But Allah swt is Just what goes around always come around. And some of these men avtually learn and heed hidaya. May Allah swt make this confused husband and other such husbands and wives take hidaya and realize the importance of being kind to their spouses ameen.

      • Even there are some women too whose heart and mind are dead and cheating husbands like we saw in other posts ..

  21. I can't believe how easy it is for everyone to empathise with the wife. What about the stress that I went through. I gave her a house to live in, so what if it didn't belong to me. It was free, my mother was paying the mortgage and I was helping out with the bills. i didn't ask her to contribute to anything. She kept going on and on about me telling her the house was mine when it wasn't, she couldn't let go. But any guy would tell a little lie just to make her stop nagging.

    • Assalaamualaikam

      So you lied to your wife, let your mother pay the mortgage for your house, exchanged flirty messages with another woman... Surely you can see that this isn't how things are meant to be.

      Lying is wrong. How can your wife trust you if you lie about such important things as contact with non-mahrams and where the two of you will live?

      InshaAllah if you think about what people have said here, you may see things from a different perspective, which may help you decide what to do next. It can be hard to read things that challenge our own views on events and ourselves, but sometimes it's really important to try to see things from others' points of view - put yourself in your wife's situation and think about how events could have felt for her.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

      • I know it was wrong to lie but she kept asking to live in a place of her own and I didn't know what else to say to make her stop. I couldn't afford a place of my own, this house wasn't mine it was my mothers hence why she was paying the mortgage. my wife just wanted a house that belonged to me and her she was upset about having to live in a house that didn't belong to us, so she offered to help me buy one and said my mother could live with us. But she was so argumentative that she killed the love and I wasn't sure if I was going to divorce her so didn't bother investing into a house with her. Obviously this led to more arguments because she didn't get on with my mother who she felt was too controlling.

        • so what have you decided? do not keep her hanging in the middle.

          • We haven't been living together for a while so in my eyes it's over. Just finding it difficult to file now.

          • It seems like you have made up your mind but brother, marriage takes hard work in the first year of marriage everyone faces problems. But people just dont give up on their spouses like you are going to. Everyone tries to honor the commitment. "I dont love her anymore" is no reason for a divorce. You do not love her anymore because you are having a hard time looking beyond the resentment and since you arent living with her for fourteen months it is easy for u to imagine a life without her. But let me tell you one thing once you file and it is actually real u will understand the gravity of the situation. 80% of the people who initiate divorce regret it later. And your first marrige has a fifty percent chance of working whereas second marriage have a 25% chance only. Why? Because once you break such a big commitment for trivial reasons next time it is easier to back out. Because the next person you marry is going to be a human being too inshaAllah hope fully hehe and he or she will have flaws too after three months or so the next wife will start looking the same to you.

            Another chance will not hurt anyone and you will see that once she changes herself and starts living with you again you will start loving her and forgiving her too.

            Why am i lecturing you? Because i see from your posts that you are confused which means deep down you know you are making the wrong decision your conscience keeps knocking. What goes around comes around. You say she is good at heart and is a good person. Brother do u think spouses are all the time in love with each other? People who have been married all their life will tell u there were times wen they absolutely hated each other. It happens. Life is like that. Marriage is like that! Its not all fun n games where u both have the exact same interests and hobbies. The purpose is to grow together and not give up on each other.

            You are treating her like a disposable item that is hte problem here. You are not honoring the commitment. Im sure in ur life there mustve been a time wen u disliked ur mom for something right? But you didnt leave her did you? Or when you go to college do you just give up your education cus you failed once? No. Because these things are "important" and u cant just give up after one failure. Marriage, more or less is another responsibility you are giving up so easily because u think you can get away with it and if u dont like it u can still throw it away.

            But remember there is a God and He is always Just. These days marriage seems a small matter but infact Allah swt gave u a responsibility and you are just throwing it away because of petty issues.

            I know you wouldnt like to give this marriage a chance because you are obliged to you want your heart to be in it too which is a good thing. But believe me, once you give it a chance thinking that you are a man and you have to honor this commitment inshaAllah things will get easier. She will change and the good heart you say she has you will start seeing it again.

            I know the easier option here is divorce since after fourteen months u calling her back and u must be thinking its going to be the same torture again but it wont inshaAllah if she says she has learned her lesson and she will change SHE WILL. Get remarried but to the same wife. You just need an ounce of forgiveness. Im sure you can find it in there somwhere.

          • I fail to see why you refer to yourself as confused.

            According to you, it is over, you don't love her, you only refer to the worst things in her and her family, you didn't want to 'risk' buying a house with her, and you won't let go of her because the notion of marriage is romantic with you.

            You need to make a decision and stop understanding that marriage is all about you.

            If she truly is not worth it for you, then please do her a favour and let her move on. Otherwise, it isn't good for us or for you to keep going on about her when you have no intention of making things right--instead, you just want to be right.

        • You both not living together for a while could actually be a blessing. I know in the end it is your life and your marriage. But you obviously have some amount of attachment with her once you file and it is over there is no going back I would say, sit down let go of your pride and ego and think about ONLY the positives and the good memories you have had with her. the only way to know if you were that miserable or not is to do one thing.

          think if living ALONE for the rest of your life is better than living with her. If your answer is yes then sure go ahead but if you think you can be happier with SOMEONE ELSE then you are wrong. Every person disappoints you in the end this woman loves you hence is begging for a chance and trust me someone who has realized her mistake and wants another chance will prove to be a much better than any other person.

          I know right now you can not see beyond the anger and resentment but inshAllah that will go away if you have even a teeny bit amount of love in your heart for her. And for that to happen you need to live with her again.

          look brother, it all depends on you in the end. She had a riight to live ina separate house maybe the way she was asking for it was wrong but look at the message deep down she just wanted to be with you. I dont know how old you are but im sure like all other men you also dream to have a family and have kids. it is easier to fix things rather than forming new bonds. She obviously loves you and probably behind all this pride ego and anger you love her too. I would suggest give it a chance. And give your 100% this time to her and only her. You might end up having the best marriage in history trust me! In you heart make neeyat that you want to do it because Allah swt dislikes talaaq and that too over such trivial matters. And then Allah swt will undoubtedly help you.

          May Allah swt give you hidaya and make you take the right decision ameen.

          • I know she loves me a lot and has never left the marriage but I just don't love her.

        • what did you end up doing then?

    • The fact that it's so easy for everyone here to empathize with your wife and repeatedly tell you that you are in the wrong, says a lot. And that you cannot see things from her perspective and cannot even consider that your actions are the cause of the breakdown of your marriage says a lot about you. If you don't love her, don't want to be married to her, and truly believe that everyone here has it all wrong and that you are the real victim of this marriage, then divorce her and end this sad chapter in your life. Stop looking for validation for your bad decisions and atrocious behavior. You will not get it, so just do what you want to do. That appears to be how you live your life anyway.

  22. It seems like you have made up your mind but brother, marriage takes hard work in the first year of marriage everyone faces problems. But people just dont give up on their spouses like you are going to. Everyone tries to honor the commitment. "I dont love her anymore" is no reason for a divorce. You do not love her anymore because you are having a hard time looking beyond the resentment and since you arent living with her for fourteen months it is easy for u to imagine a life without her. But let me tell you one thing once you file and it is actually real u will understand the gravity of the situation. 80% of the people who initiate divorce regret it later. And your first marrige has a fifty percent chance of working whereas second marriage have a 25% chance only. Why? Because once you break such a big commitment for trivial reasons next time it is easier to back out. Because the next person you marry is going to be a human being too inshaAllah hope fully hehe and he or she will have flaws too after three months or so the next wife will start looking the same to you.

    Another chance will not hurt anyone and you will see that once she changes herself and starts living with you again you will start loving her and forgiving her too.

    Why am i lecturing you? Because i see from your posts that you are confused which means deep down you know you are making the wrong decision your conscience keeps knocking. What goes around comes around. You say she is good at heart and is a good person. Brother do u think spouses are all the time in love with each other? People who have been married all their life will tell u there were times wen they absolutely hated each other. It happens. Life is like that. Marriage is like that! Its not all fun n games where u both have the exact same interests and hobbies. The purpose is to grow together and not give up on each other.

    You are treating her like a disposable item that is hte problem here. You are not honoring the commitment. Im sure in ur life there mustve been a time wen u disliked ur mom for something right? But you didnt leave her did you? Or when you go to college do you just give up your education cus you failed once? No. Because these things are "important" and u cant just give up after one failure. Marriage, more or less is another responsibility you are giving up so easily because u think you can get away with it and if u dont like it u can still throw it away.

    But remember there is a God and He is always Just. These days marriage seems a small matter but infact Allah swt gave u a responsibility and you are just throwing it away because of petty issues.

    I know you wouldnt like to give this marriage a chance because you are obliged to you want your heart to be in it too which is a good thing. But believe me, once you give it a chance thinking that you are a man and you have to honor this commitment inshaAllah things will get easier. She will change and the good heart you say she has you will start seeing it again.

    I know the easier option here is divorce since after fourteen months u calling her back and u must be thinking its going to be the same torture again but it wont inshaAllah if she says she has learned her lesson and she will change SHE WILL. Get remarried but to the same wife. You just need an ounce of forgiveness. Im sure you can find it in there somwhere.

    • Sister tawakkul and all others who are giving advice I'm speaking from experience when i say your advice is falling on deaf ears. I've made most of the above points with my husband too but he didn't budge. The best we can do for this husband is to make dua to Allah that he is guided before it is too late. You can go blue in the face with all the advice but if he himself is too blind to his own flaws then he's a lost cause and the person that's going to pay for it is unfortunately his wife.

      • The person that will pay for it the most is himself unfortunately. Divorcing not knowing whether he could have worked it out with her will undoubtedly leave him with a sense of failure and regret in the future. I've seen even the most 'arrogant' brothers regret their decision later on.

        There is no life with a man who will not commit to the contract of nikkah he entered with you. He doesn't have to stay with her, but he should obey and honour Allah swt Laws and go one way or another.

        May Allah swt help this brother trough this test in this month of Ramadan and do what is right. And May He swt comfort the heart of our sister and give her patience and Hope in Him swt, a sister who must really feel emotionally burdened by all this. Ameen.

        • That's the thing we all can see he will regret this in the future but only he is unable to see it. I just wish he could think this through. ๐Ÿ™

  23. Confused Husband,

    Something is seriously wrong with you if you think lying and cheating are ok. You seem to think she should just accept this behavior from you and feel nothing about with no emotion. But your actions of lying and cheating are wrong and also you see nothing wrong with lying. Its better you divorce your wife for her own well being as you are not a safe person for anyone to be married to. Marriage takes very mature people and unselfish people just as being a parent does to. If you care at all get some counseling with an Imam or a counselor as you need to work on yourself and your conscious before you can be married. You seem to have no conscious and you seem extremely narcissistic. Your wife deserves to have a husband she can trust. Marriage is built on trust and if there is no trust there is nothing in marriage.

  24. why are you blocking my comment the 2nd one was appropiate. what kind of website is this

    • Assalaamualaikam

      Please don't be offended, sister. I'm not sure what happened to your comment, but our anti-spam filters sometimes block things that aren't spam, by mistake (better to be overly careful than not careful enough). I'll check and see if it's been held back by the filters. If it hasn't, try logging off and on again, and re-post it?

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

      • No, I probably deleted it. Sister Lorelei, you have a tendency to be very harsh with people and to criticize them without offering solutions or suggestions. It's true that sometimes people need to be criticized. But it must be done in a constructive, kind way, not in a mocking, "You're such a loser!" kind of way.

        The purpose of this website is to guide people. Not to put them in their place, not to ridicule or condemn them, and not to allow you to feel superior to them.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  25. This man will probably just move from one wife to the next or have different girlfriends. It is very said but it is what these kinds of men do who are narcissitic or without conscious. They usually do not feel bad as they can easily replace one woman for another and do not see women as people with feelings. Its very sad but these men just feel entitled to do what ever they want in life and just move on without feeling much. May Allah protect us all from these kinds of people.

  26. It is only caring and compassionate people that have regrets in the future about this kind of situation. Its useless to try to reason with this kind of man.

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