Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I don’t love my husband! I am thinking of divorce

Love, but not "in love"

Love, but not "in love"


Salaam my dear Muslim brothers and sisters,

I'm a 28 year old woman. I'm married for 5 years now, without any kids.
My husband and I have problems with sexual intimacy since day one. In the beginning i was mentally blocked, which caused me not to feel anything physically. After 1.5 years lots of "practicing." I finally got rid of the mental blockage. So now you would think the problem is solved right?

NOT! Because after that, everytime my husband tries to get near me in a sexual way, I always push him back, because I get disgusted by it. Just a normal hug is ok, but right at the moment when he wants to touch me at a more sensitive part, I cover myself by putting my own hands on those parts so he can't touch it. This problem is never solved.

A few other facts are:
- I never told him "I love you" and really mean it. Actually, I never even told him I love you at all. Even when he asks me "Do you love me"?  I can't say that I do. I do love him as a person, especially because of his beautiful personality; the reason I married him! He's also a very good looking man, but I just don't have the feelings that I should have for him as a spouse.
In the past years i asked him a few times wether he feels like I love him, and the answer has always been "no".

- I'm totally not sexually satisfied!! And I also don't feel sexually attracted to him. We do have "sex" but it's pretty frustrating when you can't say that you "make love" once in a while. I can remember about 2 or 3 times we "made love" and may be about 6 or 7 other times the "sex" was pretty ok, but the rest was horrible!!! In 5 years!!! Please tell me that this is NOT normal!!? Of course I understand that after a few years the lovemaking and/or sex becomes a bit less satisfying(?) because the couple isn't in love anymore like in the beginning. But in our marriage it's like this from the beginning!

- In all those years i have been thinking, and thinking over and over again!! Like: "I can feel there's something wrong, but I don't really know what it is".
-Further there's a whole story i can tell you about how we went through the 5 years (like financially and stuff) but i'm almost 100 percent sure that it's not the cause of me not loving him.

So since we don't have any kids (btw; we tried to get pregnant for almost a year) I'm thinking about getting divorced. I'm not happy like this, and he's also not happy. If I go on with this marriage may be I will be "thinking" my whole life.

I asked a few questions on another website; and they kept on saying it may be "black magic" and that i should think about healing with roqiya (healing with quranic recitation).

I prayed salaat Istikhara a few times, and it's like everything became more clear after I asked Allah several times for guidance.

Now my questions for you are:
-Don't you also feel that there must be something really wrong when having so less lovemaking in your marriage?
-The fact that I always ask myself whether I love him or not actually means that i don't love him right? Cause if I did I wouldn't ponder so much, do you agree?
-Is there anything you think i should consider before making a decision?
-What do you think I should do?

Thanx for helping me!!

Salaamou 3alaikoum!

-Young Muslima

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66 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    After reading your entire post, there was one part of it that confuses me- the part where you say that you do love your husband because of his personality and other factors, but for some reason this love that you do have for him is not "good enough" for you, and you believe you don't feel as you should for a spouse.

    Sister, the conclusion I come to after reading your post is that you are too focused on feelings...dissecting whether you feel the "right" way about your husband or whether your feelings are "normal" or what they "should" be. Marriage is not about feelings. Sure, when a couple marries they often have feelings for each other that can be very intense. However, the intensity of feelings usually fades over time, and solid relationships are sustained by the level of comfort each has with the other spouse. If we put our focus or investment in feelings, then we are putting our trust and reliance on something that is transient and variable. Our trust should only be in the One Who never changes- Allah.

    Speaking of that, the other issue I see here is that you don't feel that level of comfort with your spouse, as evidenced by what you are describing about your intimate lives and how you push him away when he approaches you in certain ways physically. Sister, THOSE feelings and experiences are not so much to do with him, but something unresolved within yourself. I would advise you to seek counseling to try to uncover what these issues might be, and see how they can be addressed in such a way that they will no longer be creating obstacles in your marriage.

    Please know that whatever results from your efforts, the quality or quantity of sex doesnt' necessarily define the relationship. Sure, we all want satisfying sex lives, but if that's the only difficulty in your marriage I would work to change it with a therapist before throwing a whole marriage away. I suggest you expand your view and look at the relationship you have from angles other than your own subjective feelings about it. More often than not, when we allow ourselves to interpret things from our limited points of view, we fail to see the greater purposes and barakah that Allah has given for our lives and situations.

    -Amy Editor

    • Salam, i have kind of the same problem, I am married to a man who i married almost 2years ago completely my choice and my family really liked him.

      (Remainder of comment deleted by Editor. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - Editor)

  2. Don't be stupid. Your a married woman. Why do so many people think divorce is a solution??? stay with him and be with him. PERIOD!!!! Inshallah in time your love will grow. People have arranged marriages all the time and they have statistically been proven more successful than so called "love" marriages. Stay with him and don't do something your gonna regret later in life. Salam Alaikum

    • Salaam brother Nawid,

      I never said it's an arranged marriage.
      It was my own choice to spend my life with him because of his personality. The 'love' from my side has never really been there. After getting married i started to realise that i didnt have any feelings for him.

      I never thought that divorce would be a solution, until about a year ago. So after 4 years!

      • I have the same problem you do sister. It's awful. Other people won't understand. I have children otherwise I would've been divorced a long time ago. You don't have children, don't luve in misery. That's not what Islam is about. I would recommend Divorce. Give him the freedom to be happy with someone who can truly love him

  3. Just one question I need to ask before I can give you some advice

    Does he love you alot & Is he always there for you?

    • Salaam dear sister Mina,

      Yes, he loves me a lot!!! And it will kill him if i wanted to get a divorce. And yes, he is always there for me.


      • Salam young muslima...

        I just wanted to ask did you get your divorce or not.. if i will you i won't, because women have a price tag that is their age, you will not understand this as of yet, but when you get divorced and receive really awkward rishtas then you will know, and suffer on your mistake. but ALLAH is wise and all knowing he will help you in any decision you make, please do istikhara my dear. your sister in islam anna.....

  4. Salaams Young Muslimah

    I personally do not think that divorce is a solution to your problems. You seem very confused at the moment. You need time to think about this. Speak to a counselor if possible. Don't make any irrational decisions.

    Your first question:
    1.Don't you also feel that there must be something really wrong when having so less lovemaking in your marriage?

    Sister first you mentioned that when your husband comes to you- Your first reaction is to push him away. This could be the cause for less lovemaking. Obviously if any partner is being ignored sexually, they would lose interest. This is what's probably happening in your marriage. Ask yourself why do you do this? Is this only because you feel you do not love him? Are you still feeling shy and uneasy around him. But why sister? Five years is long enough to be comfortable with your spouse. Is there anything which you are holding back from the past- any past experiences which you need to let go off?

    The fact that I always ask myself whether I love him or not actually means that i don't love him right? Cause if I did I wouldn't ponder so much, do you agree?

    Treasure all that you have now. You have a good husband- any man would have been frustrated by now if they felt they were not loved by their wives and they were not satisfied sexually. You love your husbands personality, you love his looks, then tell him this before it's too late before he starts looking for love somewhere else.

    2.The fact that I always ask myself whether I love him or not actually means that i don't love him right? Cause if I did I wouldn't ponder so much, do you agree?

    We all ponder at the meaning of the word love. Some of us use this word when we don't mean it and some of us mean it but we don't say it because we have our own way of showing it. Sister do you care about your husband? Can you picture your life without him. When you away from him, do you miss being with him? Take time to think about these questions and surely you would realize if you love your husband.

    3. Is there anything you think i should consider before making a decision?
    The first thing you need is a clear mind and consious before making a decision. You should also speak to a counsellor for further advice. Think about your husband and how patient he has been with you during this time. Think about ways of making your sexual life more pleasant. Don;t think that I don't love him and that's it. Think of a way of fixing this. Take more time out to discover your husband. Engage in more romantic activities before being sexual eg. long walks, candle lit dinners, buble baths etc.

    What do you think I should do?
    Sister i would strongly suggest you try to work at your marriage.


  5. Marriage whether love or arranged should be based on compatibility- mental, emotional,and physical.
    The statement on arranged marriages working better than love marriages is short-sighted as in most cultures where arranged marriages occur- "tolerance" is mistaken for love and a successful marriage. Often people stay in difficult marriages because of the stigma and societal pressure around divorce

    Yes there are couples in arranged marriages who are fortunate to meet the right person and it works out, but this is no different from love marriages where in some cases people are truly happy and others where they are not. It all boils down to the fact that the two people involved need to assess and decide whether their personalities, core values and way of life will mesh well or not. People assess all the superficial criteria and not the important ones and this is what causes marriages to flounder.

    At the end, you live once so make educated choices and also hopefully marry and feel fulfilled in that committment. Personal relationships have the most significant impact on our lives and everything else can be adjusted around this - so focus on this and make it right.

    • Salaam Freethinker,

      Thanks for your intelligent comment.

      First I need to say that it's not an arranged marriage. But to me its also not a love marriage, because the decision i made was in the first place made with my mind, and not with my heart.

      Second, our core values, personalities and way of life fit pretty well.

      And still i don't feel fullfilled 🙁

      • I am in your position...married 1 year. Sex life is pretty much non-existent . I worry because its so early in our marriage. We even went to counselling for 3 months.
        Even worse I have developed feelings for someone else.
        I don't know what to do.

  6. Salaam alaykom sister i have esactly the same problem as you but worse.. i feel depresed i just want to be alone and curl in a ball and cry.. i really dont know whats wrong and am asking all the same questions as you, we have only been married a month, it was arranged we had two meetings what attracted me most is hes strong in deen but now im starting to think i dont love him and am not attracted to him i am not affectionate person n it affects me alot and him we argue and dont talk for like 2days max..i dont know what to do. i dont want to divorce cos it seems so soon n sad n hel b so upset but i feel i just want to be alone

    please help(anyone else aswell)

    • i sincerely ask Allaah to make your affair easy.
      and to put confort between you& your husband.
      please stay with him because you will only succeed with a faithfull man.

      asmaa the daughter of abuu bakr siqqiiq was married to Az-Zubayr ibnAl 'awaam [may Allaah be pleased with them], and asmaa talks about how she lived a very very harsh&hard life under Az-Zubayr who was extremely tough by his nature, and she indured more pain than anything we can imagine as his wife.but she was patient and stayed with him because she knew he would have a magnificent status in jannah as he was one of the 10 men guaranteed jannah whilst alive ['ashara al mubashireena bil jannah]

      sister, buy a book called hisnul muslim, fortress of the muslim, therein you shall find many supplications which are recited in times of deppression&loneliness.

      • Salaam dear brother,

        I agree she needs to work on her feelings of depression first. Buying a book is a good thing, and she can also try to get some counseling.

    • Salaam dear Ayesha,

      First i need to say that i really feel sorry for you being in the same kind of situation. May Allah help you thrue it, incha Allah.

      You have been married for only a month of time, so may be you should take time to fihure this out. May be you need to try to analyse the situation a little bit before making any big decision. You need to find answers on those questions.

      I want to ask you if you had the same kind of feelings of depression before you got married?

      Try to seek for counseling to not feel depressed anymore, because if you don't the situation will only become worse.

      Further i really need to say that you need to trust on Allah, but don't deny your own emotions. Even if it is very important to mary a faithfull guy; in Islam you have the right to be attracted to that person!! A marriage is also meant for those things that people call "superficial" while they are not superficial at all. Sexual intercourse in a Halal marriage is so important! It keeps you away from zinaa.
      So don't forget that what Islam preaches can be totally different than what culture preaches.

      In culture people say: You need to be happy and stay married no matter what.
      But Islam is not like that.

      If you really dont feel attracted to this guy... and after trying lots of things to fix it... if you still don't feel attracted you have the right to get divorced. But remember: after trying everything!!! to fix it.

      So dont let people make you believe that there are no other options, just because he is faithfull.

      Islam is the key here, not culture!

    • My situation is worse sister. Now it's been 11 years for me and I have kids. I go to sleep depressed everyday. I wake up lonely. Go to some counseling and you still can't be attracted to him for his good qualities it's not worth the misery.

      • Salam sister Asma,
        My situation is far more worse. I’ve been married for 25 years now. And my situation hasn’t changed at all. I also have kids which are all grown up now. I love him as a person but I am not attracted to him as a wife. I would have to say the reason for that is because he drove me into losing the love and trust I had for him for when we first got married.
        He is the negative type, he is always complaining about the littlest things, nothing we do seems to please him. He doesn’t even like to spend on our needs as his family. To him it’s all about food and sex. We are not allowed to ask for anything else. When we do, he never had it. I want to ask for a divorce now I think it’s time to just move on even if it meant alone. He himself keeps saying he wants a second wife. That’s all he thinks about is sex. He doesn’t provide for his family but yet wants to marry a second wife.

  7. salaamu'alaykum sister.

    get rid of the idea of divorce which is flying around in your head.

    wallaahi, you are soooooooooo fortunate to have ahusband who is patient over your fears when he approaches you.
    he has been patient over your fears of intercourse FOR FIVE
    and he is there for you still?

    wallaahi, let alone five years, MOST men would not accept their wives not wanting to go to bed on the first night.
    they would either tell her to go back to her family if she did not sleep with him, or they would remarry.

    because the most major reason why people get married is to fullfill their desire.well males do anyway.
    so if someone is refusing, or lacking back, then i can imagine it would be very frustrating.

    so thank Allaah that you have a very patienbt husband, who has good charecter like you said and does not force himself upon you.

    sister, with all honesty, you are the one needs help in this marraige.
    your husband is fine&functional.

    please get some therapy of some sort
    Allaah ma'ak

  8. I am christian but I was just looking around and searching about this topic and I found yours.. I feel the same way about my husband we never loved each other from day one his parents picked me to marry me and asked my parents and both parents were ok with it without asking me or him! you know probably what I`m talking about.. and in my religion and culture we can`t get divorce.. I try to love him but it is so difficult when there is no feelings we have kids together, I feel guilty and feel God is not satisfied with the way I`m living my life... The only advice I will give you and I am going to do the same is to try to love them divorce is not a good option..

    Good luck and wish everything will workout between you guys!

  9. Assalamu alaikom,
    sister, I am in the exact situation you are in. I have no feelings for my husband of 3 years (but we've been together for 6 years). I have a 2 year old son with him and I thought that it would bring us closer together, but it only made me hate him more because I wasn't really ready to have a child in my first year of marriage plus school.
    Do what you think is necessary for you. I listened to everyone but myself and under so much depression and utter stupidity, I cheated on my husband with a man closer to my age (but with no intercourse)...I'm not saying that my situation was an excuse, of course not, it's my fault and I am repenting for it deeply, especially in ramadan...but take action...don't let yourself get into haram just to please everyone else. I don't know your situation but I am going to school to become financially dependent and be able to provide for myself. my husband wants to work things out still after he found out what I did...but I still don't want him. I have no feelings for him and i feel horrible because he loves me so much...he's trying to change for me and I notice that and im trying to love him but i can't. I am not sexually or emotionally attracted to him, or to his personality. we are currently in couples therapy...try will help you see if you can or cannot continue together.
    sister, evaluate all your options. divorce is one, but let it be the last one. pray istikhara and allah will never steer you wrong...believe that.

    I hope you find the comfort your looking for in allah and his love,


    • Thank you for telling this situation I am also going through same situation but in my case I have no kids my husband had some fertility problem.I was 20 yrs old when I got married and I am 27 yrs old
      My husband really loves me but what if I am not loyal to him.I love someone else and he didn't know about my marriage now I have decided to tell him but I know my limits
      I am in a problem I have no solution
      Help me please

  10. Salams Sister,

    When I read through your -email, I remembered my own situation a few years ago. You might me sexually

    inhibited or there is something hidden in your subconscience. Normally, you want to have sex with

    somebody you chose and you describe as handsome. He had positive characteristics you can see and

    still value. And therefore in this case, I would never think of divorce because I don't see a serious problem.

    Your problem can be solved , at least the intimate one that seems to govern your relationship problems.

    How is your foreplay? You mentioned when he touches you, you feel disgusted. How does he touch you?

    Does he stimulate your private organs( with fingers etc) before he enters your body? Do you explore him?

    Do you have oral sex when you sleep together? Sorry for asking these private questions, but technique

    plays a significant role in intimacy. Are you dressing up at home which is wajib?

    At first, sex is very hurtful, or strange, but when you try out new positions and have a good foreplay, it

    can be really pleasant. What about sex toys? There are halal sex toys which can make the sex very

    good for women, e.g. those that stimulate the female organ. Sister, I'm sure you haven't applied all of that.

    Otherwise, you wouldn't face that many problems. Sister, going to someone else is not a solution, I don't see

    any flaw in your husband. He seems to be very patient with you when he even acknowledges that he

    sees you don't love him. Many men would walk away in such a situation. Don't make a mistake,

    and try everything to add spice to your marital life. Maybe you should also consult a therapist who can

    help you overcome that strange sexual blockade. You might have experienced something traumatic in

    your life you haven't overcome yet. Your sexual rejection could be a pretext.

    Don't tell your husband you don't love him. Accept that if you want this relationship to work, both of you

    have to work on that love like the flower that has to be watered every day. Cook something delicious

    together, go to the cinema for a halal movie, go to restaurants, tell him to prepare a candle-light dinner.

    Or prepare it yourself. Don't give up, Sis, there is a lot of hope. Life is not a bowl of cherries, don't have

    too high expectations. No man is a prince and love is something that can only exist if you truly want it

    and let it happen.

  11. ." In the beginning i was mentally blocked, which caused me not to feel anything physically. After 1.5 years lots of "practicing." I finally got rid of the mental blockage"

    When i read this i was so shocked this is exactly what i feel like can u plz explain wat you mean by mentally blocked? cause this is exactly how i feel about my new husband i feel numb as though nothings happeing. does this ever go away>i am sorry for asking a question and not being able to answer yours but its amazing that someone has this feeling, when i got married i thouhgt yes god is gonna give us that git but so far i feel nothing when he touches me although i love him.

  12. Asalamalykum I really need some help! I have a similar situation ive never really loved my ...

    (Remainder of question deleted by Editor)

  13. s alam problem is severe...i m married till 10 yrs now we ve 2 daughters together...

    (Remainder of question deleted by Editor)

    • Dear Rabiyah, Asalaamualaykum,

      I am very sorry for what you are going through. I think my one of colleagues or one our regular writers may be able to offer you some good advice and comforting words. But you will need to log in and submit your question as a separate post. Insha'Allah you will receive a reply soon as we have for the first time in a long time a waiting time of only about 2 weeks maasha'Allah.

      SisterZ Editor

  14. u knw my prob if possible kindly email it to me m seeking advice frm u under the teaching of islam...nd its gud to see tht u tuk it seriously nd responded soon....thanx

  15. A.aleikum w w,sister ur situation its complicated,its horrible to stay wid someone who u fel dsgust,I no what is dat,its simple to someone who never fel dat say u must continue wid ur married life! Ur confused dats true, ALLAH don't like divorce,if ur not happy and ur husbnd to,its dficult,make dua,make istikhara and see the result,talk wid some mufti!iALLAH guide u

    • thanks tahira for ur kind response m pleased tht women atlest become courageous for discussin dese issues now a days.......smtimes i think of commitn suicide bt thinks wat vl happen to my daughters after husband does nt care for me ..m justa bloody earning machine for him.............

  16. So many sisters here unhappily married. Yet very few complaining about how bad their husbands are, just an inability to love their husbands who by in large love them. Well do yourselves and the rest of us a favour if you're going to continue to be ungrateful to Allah SWT in this way, divorce these husbands let them marry someone who will love them and then go pursue your rubbish fairytale dreams of finding a prince of your own to love.

  17. i m still waiting for ur solution plzzzz ........

    • Salaams,

      As sisterZ said, the turn around time is about 2 weeks currently. If you only submitted your post in the last day or two, it's likely there are still several ahead of it. Please try to be patient, as it's not fair to the others who are also awaiting answers to their important problems to put you ahead of them. In the mean time, I am sure many of the posts we have already published that are similiar to your situation may hold some guidance for you as well.

      -Amy Editor

  18. Sallam Sweet Loving Sister
    My name is (Remainder of question deleted. Please log in and submit your question as a separate post, JazaakhAllahkhayr, Editor,

  19. there is a hadith i remember, but don't remember the refrences, where a women goes to the holy prophet (PBUH) and say i love my husband he gives me everything, and keeps me happy alot, but there is one thing i hate of his and he annoys me, when he eats he makes loud noises and it it irritates me, otherwise he is fine. the prophet said (PBUH) said if this is the reason and he irritates you a lot you can get a divorce.

    If you can't provide the reference then please do not post hadith until you find the reference with its validity. Dear editors, this is the first time i'm reading such shocking hadith as it is well known in Islam that divorce is highly detestable, and so if you guys can find its reference, share it, until then its best to remove the comment Insha'Allah.

    • I deleted the comment.

      Wael Editor

    • Sorry for providing the wrong words, but still there was a hadith like so. well i have found it. and when i read it was different, so please ALLAH forgive me. God forbid but i said what i heard from people, not what i read, myself. so here is what i have found. and it is the same ahadith but just didn't know the right words so sorry.

      a woman came to prophet muhammad (saws) to ask for a divorce from her husband. she told him that she did not complain about any of his morals or qualities but the only problem was that she did not genuinely like him to the extent it was impossible to continue living with him. the prophet (saws) asked her: "do you return his garden (a gift marriage he offered to her)?" she said: "yes." the prophet asked him to take his garden and divorce her. [75]


      [75] al bukhari, te book of divorce, hadith 4973

      • a woman came to prophet muhammad (saws) to ask for a divorce from her husband. she told him that she did not complain about any of his morals or qualities but the only problem was that she did not genuinely like him to the extent it was impossible to continue living with him. the prophet (saws) asked her: "do you return his garden (a gift marriage he offered to her)?" she said: "yes." the prophet asked him to take his garden and divorce her. [75]

        This hadith you're referring to right -

        Narrated Ibn 'Abbas: The wife of Thabit bin Qais (Habibah), came to the Prophet and said, "O Allah's Apostle! I do not blame Thabit for defects in his character or his religion, but I, being a Muslim, dislike to behave in un-Islamic manner (if I remain with him)." On that Allah's Apostle said (to her), "Will you give back the garden which your husband has given you (as Mahr)?" She said, "Yes." Then the Prophet said to Thabit, "O Thabit! Accept your garden, and divorce her once." (Bukhari)

        But this is not the whole story. The story is,

        Narrated Aisha: Habibah, the wife of Thabit ibn Qays, was beaten by her husband and he broke some of her part. So she came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) after morning, and complained to him against her husband. The Prophet (peace be upon him) called on Thabit ibn Qays and said (to him): Take a part of her property and separate yourself from her. He asked: Is that right, Apostle of Allah? He said: Yes. He said: I have given her two gardens of mine as a dower, and they are already in her possession. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: Take them and separate yourself from her. (Abu Dawood)

        similarly, it is mentioned that the wife of Thabit Ibn Qays said " ..I cannot endure to live with him anymore... " (Malik Muwatta)

        Therefore, the divorce has valid grounds and not just simply.

  20. so sorry for my comment last but due to what i heard i told you about that certain hadith. Please ALLAH forgive, since people make mistake....any ways i have found the hadith, sorry for me to use different words.

    here is the hadith..
    a woman came to prophet muhammad (saws) to ask for a divorce from her husband. she told him that she did not complain about any of his morals or qualities but the only problem was that she did not genuinely like him to the extent it was impossible to continue living with him. the prophet (saws) asked her: "do you return his garden (a gift marriage he offered to her)?" she said: "yes." the prophet asked him to take his garden and divorce her. [75]


    [75] al bukhari, te book of divorce, hadith 4973

  21. I
    Think you should be thankful your husband is a sweetheart. Must women would die to have a sweet husband like that . I think you think to much about leaving him then trying to work things out. You think a other men will treat you like a princess no honey don't think like that you don't wanna regret anything, and I'm married for 5 years alhamdullah I love my husband very much we married each other out of love but were not perfect we always have up and downs but we work it out for the sake of Allah and our families. And soo superise he is still with you when you don't make love to him that is the biggest sim ever and you should be lucky he is with you till now because men's are men's they need to get it almost everyday so think about this
    Before you leave your husband.

  22. As Salam alaykoum Young Muslima

    While reading your post, I felt that you are confused about your relationship with your hubby .The qualities you stated about your hubby were not grounds for divorce. Actually you seem immature to me. You all can work on your problems together so a peaceful home can be established.

    You are thinking way too much about your intimate lives together and wether or not you are truly in " love" or not. I don't sense any signs of abuse or neglect on his part. Instead of giving in to the whispers of shaytan, why don't you talk to your husband about your feelings in a gentle, sensible manner. Set time aside for y'all to have an honest heart felt discussion so things can be worked out. Divorce isn't necessary here.

    In regards to you mentioning financial problems y'all had in the past, well, who doesn't have them? You can't say because of tough financial situations that your marriage is tough. We are all going to be tested with our wealth, health, and marriages. This is life.

    I'm worried that you are not being just to your husband. Are you really fair to/ with him? You need to be mindful of his rights as your husband and your rights as his wife. It seems to me you are pushing him away from you and that's not right. It's wrong! Allah old us in the Quran that there is something good you need to look for in your spouse and you haven't mentioned anything bad, wrong, about him. Divorce is detestable, but permissible in the sight of Allah. Divorce is congratulated by Shaytan, may Allahs curse be upon shaytan.

    Don't deny your husband his rights. He is your path to jannah too. Remember the Hadith which stated (roughly) that Allah would've made wives bow down to their husbands, but of course we only make sajda to Allah.

    Think of the other women who are being abused by their husbands. So many are going through difficulties we can't even imagine. Alhmdulillah you are not in that position. So, go back to your husband with open arms and an open heart. After all, He is your other half.

  23. Salaam Sister,

    I am also in a similar situation to yours in the sense that I care for my husband and that I don't want anything bad to happen to him, but I do not love him.

    I had an arranged marriage to my first cousin and it has been four years since we have been married. We do not have any children.

    I have caught him numerous times since the start of our relationship, cheating on me with other girls via the internet (online sex). Via Skype and email. Whenever I used to confront him about this he always either used to deny it or said 'sorry' he will not do it again. Because of this, I do not feel attracted to him anymore. He spends every minute, when he is not at work, on the computer or his phone. He does not talk to me or converse with me. But instead when I try to talk to him, he tells me to go away and leave him alone.

    He does not care for me or look after me. I do not ask him for anything in terms of money, clothes etc as I provide for myself. He says he does not want children with me and has hit me on many occasions too.

    I feel very depressed and sad because although I understand marriages are not perfect, I definitely know they are not meant to be like this.

    I am with him only because my parents and my mother in law do not want us to separate, even though they know all the problems we have.

    He does not pray or anything, and does not bring out the best in me.

    Could this be valid enough to ask for divorce, or should I continue to be patient and hope he will change.

    Thank you,


  24. Salaam Ayesha
    I'm so sorry about what your going through as I know how this feels because I'm in the same situation I want to get a divorce but like you said because of your parents same thing here I can't get a divorce because of my parents and because I know they will make my life hell and I'm very scared but if you think you can live without h then you should get divorce and inshallah find your happiness I know I'm saying this and I'm the one who is having the same problem my problem is that I don't have a divorce option I gotta stay In this relstionship if only Allah guides me and help me ill get better inshallah well Ayesha good luck pray ask ALLAH for help before you think of a divorce do salatul istikhara ask ALLAH to guide you pray salatul hajat ask for forgiveness inshallah things will get better if not at least you know you prayed and you tried

  25. Salaam Muslimah Angel for your kind and encouraging words.

    It is difficult for my parents to accept my marriage problems as my two older sisters have also been divorced, one of which is now remarried with children. They think the society will point fingers at them saying that they're children are bad.

    I completely understand it from my parents point of view, but then I think of it in the long run that if I am not happy now without children and he does not take responsibility in looking after me, what hope is there that he will provide for my children and care for them.

    I do not have any feelings for him and I don't think I ever will because he has hurt me too much both emotionally and physically. But my family are always trying to tell me to work it out. They don't fully understand what I am going through.

    Inshallah I will soon pray Istikhara and ask Allah to guide me.

    I hope and pray things get better for you too.

    Take care and Salaam.

  26. Hey. Ok first of all. Divorce in mentioned in the Holy Quran. If Allah didn't know there would be change of feelings or etc, he would not have mentioned it. So open your eyes people.

    There is nothing to be fixed, because there was nothing from the first place. I would recommend you reading sourat al nisa'. You will know exactly what to do. Allah says, the choice is yours. If you decide to separate, he will accord to each of you another destiny. Feelings ARE important and in everything. We are made of feelings, as we feel for Allah and he feels for us, we should feel for everything we do and everyone we have in our lives to do great things. There is no other way. I agree some problems can be solved in marriages, problems that affect both your feelings. You can't fix feelings nor expect to have feelings later. Divorce, and change your lives. You both deserve better. Don't think about you but also think about him, don't you think he deserves love too?

  27. And by the way, the way you talk like she will never meet another more suitable guy than her husband just shows how much you believe in Allah. Allah can do anything and is the most powerful and most rich. She just has to make a decision and divorce is not a sin. He left the freedom of decision to you sweety. Islam isn't about burrying yourself for someone else. It's about believing in Allah and not hurting anyone. The more you stay in this, the more u hurt urself and him. Think. Have the courage to decide and Allah will stand by your side. The world is huge and so are Allah's wisdom and generosity 🙂

  28. Hi I'm also in the same situation but I've been married for nearly 2 months, I live in the UK and he lives in Pakistan and yes it is the typical arrange marriage I do not love this person but u got married to him due to my grandad who I love a lot I didn't want to brake his heart I basically had no choice because I didn't want to lose my grandad, my husband is 5 years older than me and I'm 20 I can't take it anymore we do not do anything but fight over the phone and I just want to end it I no divorce might sound like a dum thing for me to do but that is the only thing that's been om my mind I don't talk to my husband he says he loves me but I don't feel like it I felt as if it was nothing but sex for him he didn't listen to me on the night after marriage when I refused to have sex I wasn't ready I didn't want to he forced himself and I gave in and I regret it a lot I felt no pleasure at all maybe because I don't love him
    I don't no what to do I no that this isn't going to work out I'm thinking of divorce but I'm scared because I've lost my vaginity to him if I'm divorced will somone marry me? Will a man accept a women who Is not a Virgin? How people will look at me? I hate my life right now I just don't no what to do!

    • Assalaamu Alaikum.

      • Wa alaykum as-salam. Please register and submit your question as a separate post, thanks.

        Wael Editor

      • I'm also in the same situation too, for being with the man i don't love I don't have any feelings for when ever he try to force himself on me i bite him

    • Salaam alaikum...for I'm also in the same situation with married about 7months ago...but Allah knows I do not feel anything for him...I don't love him at all and that just make me hates evryrhing around him..I have tried in so many ways to make it work, I have prayed to God but still not changes...I feel awkward whenever he tries to touch me, most times I push him away and mayb bcos I got married as a virgin it's been difficult having sex...I feel like he's trying to rape me anytime he he's gone violent...he beats me..slaps me...hits me and all that..I have been praying to God to fix this...I feel depressed, sad, I cry everyday and might...pls what can I do?

      • please look for help imaam anyone

      • amina: Allah knows I do not feel anything for him...I don't love him at all and that just make me hates everything around him..I have tried in so many ways to make it work, I have prayed to God but still not changes...I feel awkward whenever he tries to touch me, most times I push him away and mayb bcos I got married as a virgin it's been difficult having sex..

        What exactly is your problem? Do you find him unattractive? Do you have pain during sexual intercourse?
        He is your husband, why you feel he is raping you?
        Now he's gone violent...he beats me..slaps me...hits me. This a bad sign. Things may get worse
        I have feeling things are going to get worse.
        You need to try marriage counselling
        Did you forget to mention some other things going on in your life?
        How much is the age difference? Is this a forced marriage.

    • Salma: It may be easier for you to get remarried if you are a UK citizen and can get a Visa to someone from Pakistan or some other country.

      Why did you marry him in the first place? Has anything changed after the marriage?

      He says "he loves me". Is he going to get his UK citizenship thru you?

      You posted about 9 months ago, has anything changed.

  29. Wese I have a best advice for and that is k koi divorce mat lo bl k medical store se tablet lo wo tablet jissay sex krnay ki khwahish brhty hai phir husband kia apki janwar bhi milay Allah shukr ada kr kay shuru hojao gy ... must try it and remember me in ur prays k may aex se mna hojaon q k mery qife nhi hai or prayi lrky se sex kr k gunah gar nhi bnna chata ..

  30. Salam,

    Read this of all the women who think they do not love or trying to love their husband..

    Love is not something that can develop over time or years, it just happens. But I see most of the women here are too busy looking at negative aspect of their husband rather than positive. There is always something Good in everyone. But most women now are brain washed by our american and Bollywood style love. Stop thinking about, you do not love him nor you hate him.

    It takes two to tango, so accept the fact that Allah (Swt) has given you all an opportunity to have a family. Yes, if he is mistreating and beating you or something serious then talk to him, last resort ask for khula or divorce but only pronounce once or twice otherwise it will become irrevocable. Most time people realize their mistakes when they are separated from their spouse.

    Sorry if I am wrong, our Nabi (pbuh) said I saw a dream and in dream "I saw hell fire, and in hell fire there were more women then men",. After coming to this website, I see more and more women have problems with their husband. Human brain can never be satisfy, Love is always weigh more on one side either on men or women. Life is too sort to figure out how to love someone instead learn new things with your spouse and enjoy each other company.

    Go out explore the world, go umrah, watch funny shows as long as there is no nudity, do activities together like play badminton or table tennis, rock climbing. Go out with other couple on a date. Have a candle night dinner, flowers or chocolate strawberry. Everyone has a kid in their heart, bring that kid out again. Whatever it takes as long as you do not hurt or kill someone, put an effort and insha Allah (Swt) will help you.

    Always remember nothing is perfect and no one is perfect. I will always go against divorce, it is THE WORST

    Ask me, how I feel without having someone in a life.

    Good luck to you all ladies,

    Allah hafiz

    • Salam,

      I would like some advice.
      I haven been married over 5 years. And am not sure what should i do. I don't feel happy. My husband doesn't keep me happy, I don't feel like he loves me even though he says he does. He doesn't really put much effort in. He is practicing and does good things. However, I feel like am not good enough for him. He would make negative comments about my body and make me feel horrible about myself. He doesn't appreciate what I do for me



      • Kelly, you need to communicate with your husband and tell him how you feel. It might also help for the two of you t see a marriage counselor.

        If you need further advice please register and submit your question as a separate post, thank you.

        Wael Editor

  31. Salaam sister did you fix your relationship with your husband yet

  32. I too have a issue like this. My marriage was done without my consent. Im frustrated now. I was in relationship with someone else n my mom suddenly fixed this marriage without asking me. I said no but my family forced me by torturing abt thier izzat.

    I tried my best to keep my family happy my mom too. Coz my dad passed away when i was 4yers.

    .now its 10 months of marriage i dont have 1percent of love for my husband. We dont have any intamacy . I feel to kill myself when he touches me. And he says he loves me but everythibg single thing he makes me beg and hes a denial.
    For me im a well educated girl n was working n this sudden change n. Denial abt eating sweets n starting something of my own and working out is lije hell for me.

    And on top of that from day one of my marriage ive been abused by my mom in law. Still today i sit in my room . I dont cone out .coz im scred for mom in law.

    Im feeling like a slave therw. And my husband is not even supportive. No doubt i hate him. I need help please what to do.

  33. You are very clear my dear. But you care for him because good people care. However, I'm.concerned about your part. Giving up your happiness for him. That's not honest and not fair to yourself

  34. If there is no physical attraction then having a good relationship will be impossible!!! Don't waste time and do what u need to do ( divorce and move on ) one way to find out that your attracted to someone is that their pupils dilate and yours will as well !! Search it online !

    • After reading so many responses, some almost 9 years old, I can say that I was married for 16 years. Three beautiful boys Alhamdullah. But my husband continued to show irresponsiblity and did not try to make a better life for me and the children. We had a small home and were never able to afford extras, even when I worked part time. I was never in love with him, but the more our kids grew older the less responsible he got. He also gained a lot of weight, dressed very sloppy inside the house ( didn’t do a great job outside either) and I felt more and more distant. In fact I because repulsed toward him and would shut my eyes during any intimacy to keep my mind off of it. After years of feeling this way I finally broke free, not just because of the lack of feelings but the lack of responsibility and putting his wife and children first. I do not regret my decision for one second. I felt a sense of relief knowing i had another chance to change my life. Divorce is not haram, but after continued efforts and no plans to change his attitude whatsoever I let go of this toxic relationship that had made me a bitter and depressed person. Don’t expose all of the secrets from inside the house to outside. But everyone should know what they can and cannot handle. If I was so disgusted by my husband that I did not want to sit next to him - then find a solution! No one deserves to live that way. Counseling, prayer dua, readings Quran will all help you make your decision. I wish everyone to find their inner peace. Aslamau alakum

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