Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I don’t love my wife, and I am in love with other girl.

Assalam Alaykum,

I am 38 years, married since 2008 with 3 boys (5.5y,3.5y, 1.2y). my wife lived in Canada for a period of time however she is Arabic origin, she came back in 2005 and we met in 2006.

We started our marriage with feelings towards each others, however my financial was pretty not good, I used to be worried as I want to ensure that she is living a very nice life since her family has a good financial level.

Our sexual life was not that great compared to a newly married, may be because we both work and we come tired, but in my opinion it is not a reason, since I tried several times with hesitant response from her(this what I felt). we used to laugh and to have fun. I discovered that her interest are different than mine. in addition to that I was very easy going, like if there is no food at home I would have say it is ok we can order( I don't know how to cook, I would do it if I know how to cook), this easy going I believe made her feel that she doesn't have to take care of me. I don't recall that she took a good care as a wife from me. I am type of person I love to have a wife hyper in everything, tender, talk to me in nice words, spoil me, have sex with me, buy me cloth and things all this were not in her( if she gave me those I would give her double).

I am so attached to my family however she is not, as I noticed that they don't have that bonding(every one of her family in different place).

after our first kid in 2011, her attention to me has vanished, nothing, zero, even we have nanny to help I stay like from 6 pm to 10 pm sitting in my couch while she is taking care of the kid, then after that she is tired, she wants to sleep. so her routine is,  waking up in the morning, go to work till 4, come home, sit for a little( no food, we order)after this she took the kid and go inside showering, pampering, playing ( I am not upset, I am happy) and I am sitting with nothing. I stayed like this for more than 7 months. I tried to book dinners but 90% I canceled them because we are so late or she is tired.

I used to take the kid from her and take care of him from A to Z, I woke up several time at night and I asked her to stay sleeping, I did also a lot of things, taking him out sometimes in the morning where it is off so she can relax........

I tried to fix the relation and god blessed us with another boy in 2013. Before 50 days of her due date we travelled to Canada, I tried to be next to her, I took care of our kid for 50 days she did nothing, I was taking care of everything, feeding him, playing with him, changing pampers, showering..... I was the mom , so those 50 days we were in Canada and I was taking care of the boy so she can relax.

We came back to our home after delivery, things got worst, I have work, she has work, however we have our nanny which is with us since 2011 so she an help, but now we have two boys so she got more busy. We put the older one in nursery as well.

All these time we have no marriage life no relation , one or two times we had sex we got the other boy.

well, I decided to go out and see my friends since there is no time for me,  here where she started to get angry blaming me that I am not helping which is not true at all, however she wants to be like her, I brought in my sister for a period of time so she can help her and we have our nanny so I was trying to make her very comfortable.

Everything went down, all our feelings cold till 2015 nothing, no life, no relation, no proper conversation. I decided to end the marriage here.

After all this I met one girl younger in one year than me, she wants to get married but in the same time she is the type I like, she is very into me, she is giving everything and she is willing to do everything, she loves me so much. Since i decided to get divorce I asked the girl that the kids will be with me, she refused, we broke up.

 

I thought this might be a sign that I don't have to get divorce, I came home and I sat with my wife and I told her lets try again and fix our relation, she agreed, and I started to fix everything, nice treatment from me, nice treatment with cold signs from her, we had sex, she got pregnant, lol,  I felt that I am acting, I don't have any feelings, nothing I am so cold, and she is fine if we have sex or no, I take care of my kids and do also so we are equal in this, but I changed so now I am go out frequently, I don't feel like staying home at all. Even she also telling me that you are always angry when you are with us and when you are not there we are doing well.

 

After 5 months from this the old girl I love called me back and she said that I am willing to do anything even to keep the kids but you have to get divorce if you are willing to but if not le me know so I don't continue, I told her yes I want to end my marriage but i need time.

So end of 2015, all 2016, and now 2017, the girl gave me one month period to end everything( that her right) I am confused what to do, I spoke to my wife several times and she told me it is better to end our marriage if this better for both, I felt that she doesn't care.. when I came couple of days ago to inform her that we need to finish everything which is better for all of us and for the kids and lets end it in a very good way, she said ok lets do it but before that what are you expecting from me, I told her you should act a s wife and mom and I was here to help but u never take an action. she started to change.

the other girl gave me this month and we are not talking based on her will, and she told me you know where you can find me and I am waiting for you, just finish your things and come to me, other than this every thing will be over.

Now I am so confused, I am afraid to give my wife chance and then we come back to same story after couple of month, I am afraid to leave and regret later, I am afraid if I get the other girl everything will be the same after period of time.  all what I am thinking are my kids.

 

I know my English not that good, I tried my best and I wish if you can advise me.

Ibrahi

 

 

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7 Responses »

  1. Salaam Ibrahi,

    What were you expecting before you married her? Having a wife or servant? The woman gave you three beautiful kids. You have to be thankful for such blessing. Her family upbringing or where she lived might be reason why she is not giving you the much you were expecting from a marriage. From your story, I see that she grew up in the West, which is completely a different place than the (Middle) Eastern culture. People are different. Marriages are different. Embrace what you have, try to get train your wife. Learn yourself how to cook. If financially possible, try to fully provide for the family so that she can reduce her working hours to get time for the kids and for you. There is no PERFECT marriage.

    It’s worrying that you are thinking about asking your new girl take care of your three kids by taking them away from their biological mother. That’s shame. Big shame indeed. In addition, however great the new girl is pretending to be, I am telling you that she will never take a good care of your kids. That’s fact.

    My advice to you is, lower and humble your expectations. Go the extra mile and train and sensitise your wife about how to be a better wife. Buy her books that speak about Islamic families and parenting.

  2. OP: all what I am thinking are my kids..... I don't feel like staying home at all. Even she also telling me that you are always angry when you are with us and when you are not there we are doing well.......After 5 months from this the old girl I love called me back and she said that I am willing to do anything even to keep the kids but you have to get divorce....

    No, all you are thinking is sex with new girl.

  3. Salam,

    There's a lag between when you write in and it gets posted. Is this still an issue for you?

    M

  4. Salaam brother,
    Judging from your side of the story you sound like a nice husband mashaAllah. I see that your main concern was that your wife wasn't not as affectionate as you wanted her to be. Times when she didn't cook you didn't mind you offered to get take out, which tells me that U don't really expect her to be a servent for you, you just wish that u could have a better companion out of her. I wish I had a husband who made dinner plans for me took care of the kids and let me relax and all he wanted from me was more affection. Hopefully this time around your wife can try to give you more chances to be intimate with her so that u don't have to feel like u have to hook up with another girl to satisfy ur needs. If she really cares about keeping ur family together she should try to work it out with you as I can see you are patient with her and care about her a lot. I honestly would give her more time before rushing and marrying this young girl bcos u never kno, that's why they say the grass ain't always greener on the other side. U love the new girl now and she loves u too but after a while and the sex gets old she may not want to have sex any more either. Then what will u do ? Get a third marriage? Observe sabr and in sha Allah I hope Allah keeps y'all together

  5. Assalamu alaikum all,

    @SVS Lol agreed!

    @Ibrahi You are a selfish man and you should have treated your wife with care but you chose to lust over some random girl.

    Talking of this girl, how can you think this kind of woman could ever be near your kids when she will happily steal their father from their mother? The one who makes fitnah between husband and wife is a shaytaan.

    If you have committed zina then you should leave your wife kindly. She and the children deserve so much better. Look how you admit you don't want to be at home and your wife says are angry in the company of your family.

  6. Asalam alekum

    I do not understand why your wife works when you are the bread winner...

    It is the husbands responsibility to provide for the family, not the wife...

    You are lacking in Imaan, Very much since you met a girl behind your wife's back and in fact unislamically...
    How would you feel if it was your wife doing it when you were away?

    As one of the above commenter stated that not all marriages are perfect.

    Be thankful that no one is causing fitnah between you rather it is shaytan and shaytan loves the fitnah caused between husband and wife.

    Make this clear in your head.
    Nobody will ever take care of your children other than the biological mother.

    I can not believe you laughed at the fact that you impregnated your wife, what is she to you? A slave?
    Shame on you brother.

    Go and speak to your Masjids Imaam.

    Wa Salam alekum

  7. Salam brother!

    First thing, imagine divorce. How will that affect you, your wife and children? How will that affect both your family's? It's painful and difficult and should not be taken lightly. Marriage takes work.

    Second cut off contact with this other women. You have no guarantees that she will not treat you better or worse then your wife. People change once married. She will never treat your kids the same way your wife does as they are not her children. She seems like she is desperate for marriage. She is causing problems in your marriage. A home wrecker. Only get in contact her once you have divorced your wife.

    Also marriage isn't expecting something back. You don't do something expecting something else in return. Try to do romantic things for your wife with no expectations as she will sense that you are expecting something in return ie sex and it is not genuine. This will back fire. Put your wife as number 1 in your heart. Speak to her about what would make life easier so that you can have more time together as a couple. Maybe she needs to reduce her hours? Maybe she only works part time? I have one kid and work full time and its really tough with cooking and housework so I really respect your wife to be able to do it with 3 kids.

    Also why not spend time one night a week just pleasing her with nothing in return in all aspects of your relationship, mentally, emotionally and physically. After years together love needs work and as women we tend to feel like we are taken for granted.

    There's nothing wrong with going out with your friends. You need time to see guy friends and her with her girls friends alone.

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