Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I don’t want this marriage to end!

My in-laws are causing trouble in my marriage.

Toxic in-laws.

Assalamoalaikum wa rehmatullahe wa barakatahu,

I got married some 8 months ago and move to dubai with my husband, his sister, brother and parents. We live in joint family - my sister also is his brother's wife, me and my husband meet at my sister wedding and we got marry too later.

When I got marry I went to dubai for living with my husband and family. But problems started arise immediately.

First problem was his mother had with me. She did not like that I didn't wear a lot jewelery and makeup after weddings and she said I not wear clothes that she give me she said me I don't like her clothes. My husband try to take my side and made my mother in law understand situation. But my husband's big brother (sister's husband) ask me to say sorry to her. I said sorry to her and also the sister because she made clothes. But she was not happy still.

Then my husband will never give me enough time he will always be with family but when we two are alone we are happy and we never have a lot problems. But unfortunately his family not happy with me. I must agree I am also at fault - my sister was always insulted by his family and I did not like that so I told them it is not good and then I had argument with her husband about it also.

I told my husband please move into a different house we can have our relationship safe because whenever everybody fight with my sister I don't like it and I also become a part. But he said no. He said he love his family.

His father also say things to my family that they don't understand our household culture (we come from a small  family not so rich)

Everyday we have problems in our house. Always my sister and her husband fighting and then they also asking us to become part of it. One day I got very upset because my sister and husband was fighting and my husband was sitting with his mother and father discussing. I was alone. I am very sensitive, I get upset from these things so I left the house and went to a shop nearby by walking but my husband not care. My husband some time support me when his family problem me but he is not strong. He love his family a lot.

My husband is still a good man I trust him. Then one day they again ask me to say sorry to the mother because I did not make food right. My husband was not home. I say sorry to my mother in law but she say that you did everything and you know it. I was very angry and I said to her you are doing wrong and I just came out of the house. After that my husband was very mad at me and he said this is wrong he said to me you are nothing. and he said to me that I am to leave his home. I went to my father's house.

Now I am in my father's house. My husband did not talk to me but he msg me and says he want divorce. It is been 1.5 months but he is not contacting me. He said he will divorce after some time. His mother also take my jewelry which she give me on my wedding.

I told him I am sorry and I love him but he say I should love his family. It is very hard for me because his family bring problems in everything. His father and everyone saying to leave me but he is not doing anything. He is just not talking to me. I don't want this marriage to end. What do I do? I love him.

tawakul

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112 Responses »

  1. I understand your problem but cant advice you much on this for you have done nothing wrong but stood up for your self respect and that of your family. You raised your voice and now you are paying the price for it. But you failed to realize that your husband is a weak man and there is no shame in loving his family but on the same hand you love yours.
    On a future note remember this that he will never leave his family and will never stand up against their unjust doings. Some men just can never change so you need to think this that if you are willing to say sorry and beg and can stabd the unjust nature of his family then you have to go through this your whole life. This may seem cruel but this is the harsh truth. If there is a chance he is not taking action right now but he has said it and who knows not this time he wont what to say he wont do this again.
    Think and act what you feel is best. Allah has given us brain. YOUR HUSBAND IS NOT STRONG.

  2. how long do these man stay little mommy boys for

  3. walaikum asalaam,

    the biggest mistake you made is marrying into the same family as your sister. you said your sister always get insulted. now what do you think will happen to her? if you do divorce your family will not like your in-laws even more and vice versa plus your sis is in the middle, with more constant abuse. now a big rift between 2 families will arise.

    you say he is a good man, yet he he doesn't talk with you, stand up for you and he said i will divorce you after some time. you call that a good man? don't cover for him pretending hes a good man. he is still immature mummies boy, with no grasp of reality.

    i know he loves his family, vast majority people do, and its normal. but once you get married priority changes. its no longer about an individual what he wants but its about us, what we want as a couple, and how we gonna go about it. without any interference from a third party(mother in-law) this does not mean your love for your family will change more like get stronger.

    you said, you have problems everyday, he message you saying he wants divorce yet you still want to go back? some times in life you may want something real bad, but the other person may no longer feel the same. considering how long its been, you shouldn't beg to be accepted otherwise they will trample all over you. i say, kick him to the curb.

    another thing, why do you have to apologize when the food is not right? or when you didn't wear heavy jewelry/make up? its your choice. that's very childish, i see where he got his childish trait from.

    despite everything if you still want him, i suggest you tell your parents to go and visit your in-laws and speak with them in person instead of waiting for a call from your husband, which may never happen.

    i hope things workout for you, insha'allah.

    ma'salama.

    • JazakAllah brother for the suggestions. It is about to be two months now but my husband still remains undecided. He went away for a trip for a while from his family in those days he was a bit positive. I asked my father to ask them if i could come back but my husband later refused to me he asked me not to come right now. I thought by "right now" he means tht i can come later and i was very happy. But yesterday again he said i dont think this can work out. He said he will talkto his family and see if there is any way. Then he started arguing about how i didnt go to his frnd's house or didnt listen to him and said tht u r not a good wife. I told him these are very small issues and a divorce is serious business. And i asked him why i am so easy to get rid of? It is not fair to just throw someone so close to u away from ur life even though they have been so loyal to you through out the years. As expected, He did not reply.

      My father has tried talkng but they are not giving a solid answer. My husband just keeps sayng to me tht he wants a divorce.

      • you can tell, he's pathetic who is not ready for marriage. just cos you didn't want to go to his friends house. in every marriage we have problems. no marriage is trouble free, nor is it a walk in the park. we don't say divorce on every petty things just like that.

        most likely his parents are partly to blame, nevertheless he's pathetic. if he deals with women in this manner, he may be single for the rest of his life.

        if he keeps asking for divorce, then tell him to give you divorce. i know this is not what you want but, you rather be single then be with someone who doesn't deserve you. don't wait for false hope from him, he is only playing with your emotions.

        • but i dont understand brother nobody can be this mean. why would a person play with another person's emotions like this. 🙁

  4. Dear Sister

    Walikumus salam orahmatullahi obarakatuhu

    Sister pray to allah for solving your problem. He can solve anything...
    Do Salatul Istekhara about will you go back dubai to save your marriage or not.....
    May Allah guide you ....
    Ameen......

  5. Salaam sister, sorry to say this but your wasting your time, your husbands manipulating you. I know you have hope and your probably in a lot of pain and desperately want your marriage to work but your husband doesn't- he is saying persistently that he wants a divorce. I sincerely pray that I'm wrong and that Allah swt puts mercy in your husbands heart and your marriage stays intact and blessed, Ameen. But speaking from personal experience your husband seems to be stringing you along. He's not going to divorce you, he would've done it by now, nor does he seem to want to reconcile. It normally doesn't take this long to come to a decision. How immature of him, if he does have specific issues then he needs to discuss them with you like a man and resolve them. Why is he going off on holidays whilst his marriage is a mess - again sounds like my irresponsible husband, he did exactly the same. His excuses right now are petty just like him. He doesn't seem to care much for saving the marriage.

    It seems your family are involved but that hasn't helped either. What about your sister, I'm assuming she's still living there, what are her thoughts?

    These months will easily turn into years. Your time is precious, believe me I know, I've lost a whole year sitting in hope of my marriage working out, but it was a complete waste.

    From what you describe your husband sounds immature and irresponsible, but if you really want things to work and accept him as he is, then I guess you need to reestablish connection with his family. You need to build the bonds with them, it seems he had chosen his family over you. Why would a husband need to discuss with his family to decide whether he can make the marriage work or not, it has nothing to do with them!! Your not married to them, they have no right to make that decision for him. His family seem to want a subservient daughter in law, which your not, and shouldn't be. But if you want your marriage to work it seems you will have to think and behave how they want you to.

    I think since it has only been a few months go into complete silence, no contact at all, so that he misses you. That will either help him decide that he wants you back and will put serious effort into it or his decision to divorce will become clearer.

    Either way be patient but have some kind of deadline so that he's not wasting your time. Keep your family involved so that he knows he can't mess with you. In the time when your silent, do dua and istikhara so that Allah swt makes thing clearer for you too.

    I'm sorry if I sounded harsh, it wasn't intentional, or if you don't agree with my advice, but I'm giving you advice based on my own marriage and wish I'd handled things much differently. I pray Allah swt eases your pain, Ameen.

    • Salaam sister bucks. Actually i have been following your posts as well. No you havent been harsh at all. The thing is they are trying to justify it but they cant since they also know tht the reason is not sufficient to justify a divorce. However i am here hanging in the middle. I do not want to be the one who asks for a divorce. My husband first time said i will divorce u aftr a few weeks then he vanished then i contacted him again reminding him of good times and said i will apologize to everyone but he started complaining abt petty issues and said no i want a divorce i can give it to u on the weekend if u want. I said no i dont want one lets please remain separated he said ok but i will wait only for six months.

      I said ok now he again says he will talk to his family and decide but he says tht most probably it is over because I messed everything. I have no clue abt what he is doing. Yes my sister is still there but she also has no idea. His family say it will be his decision.

      God knows and I don't brothers and sisters please make dua for me. I want this trial to end.

  6. I don't understand what he is talking to his family about ? Are they stopping him? It's his decision after all not theirs. It may be a good idea to speak to his mother and get into her good books so she has a positive influence on him. Also what is the six month deadline about ? It doesn't make sense - what is his game plan? Also your husband asked you to leave because you didn't cook the food right and it offended your mother in law!! Honestly, how Petty. What is this world coming to.

    I understand your pain sis, but hang in there. Your husband sounds a lot like mine, I have a feeling he will never make a decision.

  7. I asked him again and he again says tht he wants to go forward with divorce. He says this and then i beg him to give me a chance and then he disappears. I dont know he hasnt talked me in two months. I dont know will Allah be angry if i take Khuula in this case? I mean i did answered back to his mom which i shudnt have and i made things difficult for him by doing that how will he stand up for me now maybe it is all my fault

    • Salaam sister, oh my goodness, I wish I could give you a hug. You sound exactly like I did! It's not your fault although it probably feels that way, I went through the same mental torture, it took me a whole year to understand that it wasn't my fault, and even now I have relapses.

      He's playing stupid childish games with you because he knows he can. He's enjoying the chase, and the control he has on you. I'm almost 90% certain he won't file for divorce.

      Have a frank discussion with him, don't beg, just a pleasant discussion asking him to tell you what went wrong. Don't bring his family into the discussion just focus on the two of you. See if you can find any solutions. If he is upset that you spoke up to his mum then apologise to his mum and say you are willing to work on your relationship with her, although he needs to understand that his mother also needs to put some effort into it.

      Organise the families to meet and discuss things openly and come to a final decision. The focus should be on reconciliation rather than divorce. It seems like your husband is taking petty little issues and using them as an excuse to end the marriage.

      If he still wants divorce, then take it from me, let him go ahead with it, give him an ultimatum. Don't waste your time like I did. If he's anything like my husband he will probably give you empty threats for divorce but no action. In that case I'm sure you can apply for khula rather than wasting your life on him. In the mean time stay calm and collected, don't show him your weaknesses, it will only feed his ego!

      I pray Allah swt guides your husband and in laws, and puts mercy and love in their hearts. I pray whatever decision is made that it's a good one and Allah gives you sabr, Ameen.

  8. Ameen. Sister, it is so difficult I don't know how women survive! My health is deteriorating all I do is think about what must be going on in his head and how can I show him that everything can change. Marriage is such a beautiful and sacred bond how can peopl take it so nonseriously? i don't understand him anymore. sometimes i feel like he wants a divorce just because he likes his freedom.

    sister that is the problem he is in another country. i could go back but where would i stay? i dont know if they will let me stay n their house. i want to sit down and talk to him.

    that day when he said he wants to go ahead with divorce i asked him to talk to me on the phone since a divorce via msging is very immature and we should have a proper closure. but like a child he kept saying i dont want to i dont want to. he is enjoying his life over there but for me every day is a torture.

    I talked to him and said i would apologise to his mother but he says no no no no.

    i dont knnow what to do. please pray for me brothers n sisters. I just wish I could show him how beautiful marriage can be. 🙁

    • Salaam sister, your in a difficult situation and I'm not sure if anything I say will take away that pain, at least not right now.

      I don't think you'll ever understand what is going on in your husbands head. You can't make him realise the beauty of marriage, he needs to understand it by himself, which right now he doesn't. He knows that you want this marriage to work, and since it's only been a few months you can give him a little more time and space to see if he changes his mind. But during this period it's probably best to fall silent and avoid any arguments. Don't chase or beg him, just don't say anything. Let him reach out to you. I pray that during this time you are able to find some inner peace and strength to deal with whatever the outcome might be. Prayers, keeping busy, talking to friends and family will all help. I also pray that your husband realises your value and feels love and mercy in his heart to reconcile and work on the marriage with sincerity - although I can't see any major issues why he is breaking it in the first place!

      Right now, from what you have described, your husband seems really immature and irresponsible. Marriage takes effort, people make mistakes, in laws don't get on etc but that's no reason to break a marriage. Couples work together to find a solution, which your husband is refusing to do. I'm sure that must frustrate you and hurt you, but distract yourself - cry to Allah and ask him to guide your husband and ease your pain.

      Your husbands idea of marriage seems very different to yours. He doesn't seem to be as invested emotionally as you are, and it makes me angry that he can just end the marriage for no good reason, but we can't force someone to stay if they don't want to.

      Ultimately, use the distance to strengthen yourself. It's not an easy decision but keep a time period about how long your willing to wait for him. If he wants a divorce despite all your efforts and even after you have given him time to think by himself, then your better off saving your time and energy and breaking free. Believe me I made the mistake of chasing my husband for over a year, all it really did was give him more chances to hurt me and break me and make him stronger, it didn't do me any good. I gave him millions of chances but he just didn't want the marriage to work, but now he won't sign the divorce papers which baffles me, leaving me to do all the painful dirty work. I have a feeling your husband is similar to mine, in which case you need to take control and end the marriage if you feel this is te best solution.

      I pray Allah swt makes things easy for you, and puts immense love and mercy in your husbands heart towards you, Ameen.

      • Sister, i confronted him and told him that he is just finding a way out and making excuses to this he responded with a looooong msg of accusations so silly i cannot even begin to tell. But however, Alhamdulillah i was glad tht he is talking so i listened to him n i told him im sorry he felt this way and i shouldve asked him abt these issues (even though he never showed the slightest idea tht he minds anything) so anyway, i said i shouldve asked you to which he replied it is too late now. I ws exhausted so i gave up. Then he msgd i want a divorce i said okay this time. I am tired of this vicious circle. Now he keeps sending mean texts he is obviously having a problem with the fact that i am not begging him anymore to give me another chance. But sister i am exhausted i know if i ask him for a chance he will again hurt me 🙁 i honestly do not understand such men...

        It is just you and i talking i wish some man could give us an insight into what might be his problem. I mean if he wants reconciliation why doesnt he say so? And if he doesnt then why all this strange attitude. Its like he enjoys causing me pain. What does ur husband say when u ask him why he hasnt signed the divorce papers?

        • I'm sorry to hear that sis 🙁 yeah a male perspective or even a fresh perspective from someone else might help. But if you read under my scenario you'll see what some of the male perspectives have been, your situation is kindof similar to mine, and all of them have told me to stop wasting my time and move on.

          With re: to my husband, he threatened to divorce me for a whole year, always accused me and belittled me to take away the guilt. Whenever i asked him why he didn't send the papers he would make up a silly excuse. I did the same as you, I spoke to him gently and apologised a lot eventhough he had made bigger mistakes, said and showed him through actions that he was important to me as was the marriage but he just continued to hurt me further. Then I finally filed myself, he did a complete 180 after this and started being really nice to me, but ultimately hurt me again. Each time I've asked him why he hasn't signed the papers now that I've sent them, he has lots of different excuses, ranging from he's finding it hard, he has signed it, he's given it to his solicitor etc, and a few weeks ago when we went to counselling he told the counseller he had put it on hold - but he had told me he had already signed it and given the solicitor money to proceed. I don't understand these games, or what to believe anymore. I think it's sick, they must enjoy the control.

          I think you did the right thing, but if he's anything like my husband he won't do anything. He'll send stupid messages, because he probably enjoys the reaction he gets out of you. Ignore him, and let him calm down and come to his senses and let him appreciate you inshaAllah, and if he doesn't then he can go ahead and be man enough to send the divorce papers. Don't show him your weakness like I did. Break off contact and just see what he does, turn the tables!!

          I'm tired too. So to be honest I've stopped asking why he hasn't signed or trying to make him see sense, it's like talking to a child. I'm taking things into my own hands.

  9. Sister I really pity you. If i were you, i would agree to the divorce. I don't care how much you love your spouse, you need to learn to love yourself more in order to know your own self worth and your self value. Never let a man fumble with your emotions like that. He is just wasting your time, such men with such behavior's are far far far from piety smh. They is a saying that: You never know what you have until you loose it. Your husband doesn't value you because he doesn't really know what he has until you escape away from his grasp (if you know what i mean). He is just wasting ur time let him give you divorce or even talak, being the kind of woman that you are, before you know it someone will come asking for your hand in marriage and put your husband to shame. THEN, the tables would turn. He would be the one begging and harrassing you to take him back and not the other way around. Sister, stop making yourself look weak before him! Behave as if u don't give a flippin flop if he gives u divorce or talak!

    • Its easier said than done especially when you value your marriage and love your husband, but I have to say I do kinda agree with Sade. Wish I'd done that when things went wrong in my marriage instead of chasing and begging a husband who didn't value me. I really wish I'd spent that time in silence begging Allah instead. Having said that I pray Allah swt guides your husband and places mercy and love in his heart towards you and blesses your marriage, Ameen.

    • You are right sister. I just cannot talk to him snymore. The anxiety that seeing his name on my phone brings, i just do not want to experience it anymore! Ive happily agreed with him because if he wants an obedient wife ill show him obedience now. Too. I have made enough efforts to reconcile just to please God but this man is just breaking my heart over n over again. Sister bucks i love how u make dua at the end of ur post because i am making the same dua everyday ya Rab put mercy in this man's heart. Ameen.

      I havent been talkng to him now and this is i guess weird to him. If he wants me he can just say it and if he doesnt then well what can i do 🙁 please make dua for me.

      • Dear sister tawakul,

        I'm truly sorry about what you are going through. I'm not surprised anymore to hear of men/ women who treat their spouse this badly. Like you I had a husband who treated me badly early on in the marriage. He threatened me with divorce for the slightest things and my self-esteem was shattered. I loved
        my husband- at the time I felt I did. And I made the mistake of trying to plead with him, but even then I held off. I left him to make his own decision and he chose to lose me. Despite knowing I could never trust him again my heart took longer to recover than my head. I chose to pick myself up, to move on and live. Over a year has passed and Allhamdulilah I can see how he would have spoilt every happiness and success of mine. It would have been impossible to even dream of having the life i wish for had I remained with him. I was broken over the divorce, but I have recovered 90% from it. But living with a man who has it in him to treat you like dirt, like you're nothing, his subservient with no value, emotions or importance is like death to your heart. To have someone play with you like this is evil. It's actually not normal behaviour.

        Do t think he doesn't know or understand- he does. He just doesn't care and he unfortunately.most likely will not care in the future. If a man at least is fair to you and caring despite a difficult time, then there's a chance to reconcile. There has to be respect from both spouses for a marriage to work. There has to be mutual care and consideration. But to have someone mistreat you like this, to me that is abusive and unforgivable.

        With men like this, there is very little you can do to 'fix' them. To make them see the value of marriage, the nikkah a d the responsibility he has towards you. I would leave it with my father/brother and cut all communication with him. He has no right to treat you like this- and everytime you respond he feels he can continue mistreating you.

        You said you feel he is enjoying his freedom. Marriage is not prison. Normal people value the person they married and their relationship immensely. If he wants something g else you won't be able to convince him otherwise. Why do you want to convince a man to love, appreciate and chose to.be with you? Weren't you worthy of all these things when you married recently? Can you honestly see yourself happy and healthy with him? Safe in the k owned that your husband is your mark
        mahram and will safeguard your privacy, safety and emotions?

        I agree you need a time limit and he needs to make it clear. You don't need to take khula- he is saying he wants a divorce. So either he goes ahead or he commits to the marriage fully and I would advice marriage counselling in that case.

        I pray Allah swt Eases your pain and Takes you to a place Safety with Him no matter what that may mean.

        I

        • You are right sister. I just want to go back and give my 200% to him and see if something changes because in my opinion we had good days also Alhamdulillah. We had no problems between us just problems with his family. We have waited 3 yrs to get married why waste all of tht time for nothing

          Anyway, a marriage takes two people 🙁 not one. I pray to Allah swt that He makes him change his mind and to not do this. Ameen. Sister pray for me!

  10. Anyway, updating the situation, he was fine a month ago when i asked him if i could come back but his family i guess didnt want me to so he asked me not to come i was happy and hopeful..

    However now, he is full of hate and he keeps saying that i made his life hell and he just doesnt see anything positive in me anymore. He is so full of anger. My father tried talking to him but he didnt say much and afterwards told me that he doesnt want this.

    Anyway, i am lost and i feel miserable. I honestly hoped things would change. I feel guilty now. I dont know maybe i did make his life miserable. All i remember are the positive things. He says now tht he is not compatible with me at all. Which is so stupid.

    I feel abandoned and lost. How could a person do this to someone? I dont know if he is enjoying his freedom so much or what is the case. I told him to give me a chance and tht things will be better but he said he doesnt want those things anymore.

    At one point he was such a caring husband i dont know how u can shift from that to this. He is full of hatred. Sometimes i feel like he is a child who is so scared of being hurt tht he is just asking me to leave his life to avoid getting hurt in the future. Or maybe he isnt that innocent. I dont know what to feel anymore. I reminded him of the good times we shared but he snapped at me and said i made his life hell and he kept repeating "i am making the right decision" it is my life and i have to do what is good for me.

    Sigh any words?

  11. Honey I'm so sorry for how you feel, but I see a repeat of how I felt and still do. Just like you told me it's not my fault I will repeat the same words to you, you haven't done anything to feel guilty about. All couples have ups and downs, some argue, others are violent, and others cheat etc but if they want they can still forgive and move on. If he feels you made his life miserable he needs to be mature enough to understand that you weren't happy with how you were being treated, you were also miserable. Also, nobody is perfect, we all have flaws but if he wants to he could concentrate on your positivity. You have apologised, and you have respected his space, he needs to respect you also and empathise. No marriage is simple, you can't just end a marriage the minute things get tough.

    My husband did the same to me, his words were similar to what your husband is saying, my husband made up stupid excuses to stop me returning too. I still went back despite the fact that he had disappeared,
    but couldn't tolerate his mothers behaviour so was forced to come back to my parents house. Don't let your husband mess with your head. Stay strong.

    From what you have said it doesn't seem as though your husband has any major flaws? He does sound really immature and childish though. What made him so miserable, did you have lots of arguments ? Stop talking to him whilst he's angry. He sounds guilty, he's trying to justify ending the marriage by putting the blame on you, don't let him. Give him time to calm down and think straight. I know it's hard not to talk to him because you want to fix things, and you probably panic but try to resist the temptation, it will only push him away. Don't chase, take that control away from him, make him understand that what he is doing is wrong. Just like you would make a child understand he has done something wrong you need to use the same tactic with your husband, without anger.

    Use this time to focus on Allah swt, do tahajjud etc and ask Allah to guide your husband. InshaAllah when he doesn't hear from you he will miss you and appreciate you, and I'm sure he will contact you himself. Just disappear from his life completely for a short while and watch and wait. I could be wrong but I doubt he will be divorcing you anytime soon, he probably would have done it by now.

    I sincerely pray that Allah swt softens your husbands heart and allows him to feel mercy and love towards you, Ameen.

    • Salaam. It is about to be three months now and I feel that as time passes by he is becoming more hard hearted than before. I have no other option now. I wont talk to him anymore ofcourse since there is no window that I see. The last conversation that we had he was mentally decided that he just wants to end this. It showed from his responses that he is determined. Actually, i could be wrong but my reading is since we had been married for only six months and since the situation at home ws so miserable he is now loving his freedom he comes home whenever he wants to he meets friends he is more social than ever now.

      He has found his freedom and ofcourse hates being married since i wouldve required his time if i were there. I remember he disliked me asking him to take me outside. He just wanted to live his life and like every other couple we would argue (but not tht frequently) . I dont know. 🙁 he doesnt understand tht this is normal in a marriage he says marriage isnt supposed to hVe fights. But tht is so untrue!

      I sensed a lot of conviction in his last conversation he hung up the phone whilst i was speaking but in his messages he was pretty determined and kept saying i am making the right decision. Deep down he also knows he is guilty.

      I am deciding of what to do further in my life and I have decided to think less about him from now on. I seriously wish i could go back i begged him to let me stay in his house for a month but he said no. Maybe if i am closer he will feel love for me again? I dont know. I feel abandoned and used and miserable.

      • Sister this is so freaky! He sounds so so much like my husband. My husband was unbelievably social after we separated, meeting friends etc. He said the same thing to me he enjoys the single life, he comes home when he wants, wakes up when he wants I'm not there to bother him! He didn't understand that it was normal for a wife to want some of her husbands time a few months after the marriage, it was out of love. He also wouldn't be too bothered about taking me out. Again he said the same thing as your husband about marriage being about peace, no arguments etc but he failed to understand that the arguments happened because of his lack of responsibility. He also would hang up mid sentence and if I would try to call again he would just switch his stupid phone off and pretend the battery had died.

        Sis, he can sound as determined as he wants, my gut feeling is he's just messing with your head. He's enjoying the attention your giving him. Don't entertain him.

        Ignore him completely and see what happens. About it being three months and his heart becoming hard. Hun my husband messed me around so much, I thought his heart was dead. But once I sent the divorce papers about nine months after being seperated he did a complete 180 and would call me before bed, share everything with me re: whatever was happening in his life etc. Took me out for dinner, kissed me on the forehead, hugged me, sat close to me, walked me to my Car which he has never done, text me to make sure I got home ok again this is something he never bothered to do etc etc. He did all this and then when things started getting serious he did another 180 and told me he didn't want the marriage anymore and hung up on me and switched his phone off like a spoilt child. Don't worry about his heart becoming hard, it won't if you guys are meant to be together.

        Your husband doesn't deserve your attention right now. Give him the silent treatment. Don't respond to any messages or calls he might make. If he really wants to patch things up he will find a way. And if he doesn't at least you get to leave him with dignity.

        Don't make the same silly mistakes I did.

  12. Also if two people are meant to be together they will. I'll give you the example of some close family friends. They got married, it wasn't arranged, my friend who was a successful businessman went off on a business trip. When he returned he found his wife had left, and had sent the paperwork for a Khulla. She wouldn't talk to him. And she did all this because her parents didn't approve of the marriage because my friend was from a different cultural background. How terrible. But a few years down the line, they actually got back together, she realised her mistakes, parents felt terrible for what they had done, they got remarried and now have a child together. This is probably an extreme case but if it's meant to be it will, no one can break a marriage unless Allah allows it to break. So the best thing you can do right now is beg and cry to Allah swt.

    • Sister your reply always bring some peace. He has complained so much that I have lost all confidence and feel like maybe I was not worthh of love in the first place. He makes me feel like dirt. I just keep thinking how could someone do such a thing. I dont knw he seemsseems so determined. He is making a foolish mistake even he knows it deep inside. I will just get out of his life if that is what he wants 🙁 i stopped messaging or contacting him for two weeks but he never contacted me back but i guess i need to give it more time. Sister I remember u and hopefulsis in my duas and I hope u will remember me in yours.

      I dont knw if there is anything that he thinks as positive. I feel like all he sees is the negative side. I on the other hand can only think of positives. We knew each other for three years and today he says we r not compatible. How sad.

      • I'm glad I can be of some help. It's perfectly normal to feel the way that you do, i felt the same way. Is natural to blame yourself because your looking for a reason as to why this has happened. Sis even if he hasn't contacted you stay strong. You contacting him and reminding him of good times will also agitate him even more. Right now he doesn't want to communicate. This is what a child would do, if there agitated they will throw a tantrum, the more attention you give them the greater the tantrum. If you ignore them and let them be, they will calm down themselves and come walking to you themselves. ive noticed that what a lot of mums do is they give their children just a little bit of silent treatment after they've been rude to them. Obviously not to the extent of abusing them but just a little make the child realise that they have hurt her feelings. You need to apply the same in your husbands case. Let him realise by himself what he has done wrong, and then let him appreciate you. Keep making dua to Allah swt. I pray Allah swt guides your husband and blesses your marriage, Ameen

        • You are right sister. I am letting him know through people that i am going to find a job. Thats what he always wanted me to do and i was gonna do it but he just didnt believe i ws working hard enough. The thing is the way he has concluded that i am not compatible with you just scares me. Maybe he does think that way. I dont know 🙁 he likes to be alone. But anyway you are right if you really love something you should always let them go. I cannot keep him forcefully. And you are absolutely right about him getting agitated more and i read ur reply at the perfect time because i was seriously thinking of msgng him and reminding him of more good times but i didnt thanks to you :).

          I really hope that Allah swt puts mercy and love in his heart ameen.

          You are always in my prayers sister. May Allah ease your suffering and melt your husband's heart with love and fill it with mercy and hidaya. Ameen

  13. '‎Listen carefully, take benefit and pray for yourself and me.

    The messenger salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam visited a man from among the Muslims who had fallenseverely ill and he asked him, “Did you used to ask Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala for anything specific?” 

    He replied, “I used to say: ‘Oh Allah, whatever you were going to punish me with in the hereafter, punish me with it in this world instead.’” 

    He salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam said, “Glory be to Allah, you can't bear that, would you not say: ‘Oh Allah, bring us good in this world, and good in the hereafter, and save us from the torment of the fire’?” 

    It is said that Yusuf 'alayhi salaam, after being in prison for a long while, said, “Oh my Lord, you have placed in prison for a long period of time." 

    Allah subhanahu wa ta'alaresponded, “You asked for prison so we gave you (prison), and had you asked for well-being we would have granted you wellbeing” 

    It is mentioned in the Qur’an as the speech of Yusuf 'alayhi salaam: “Oh my Lord, prison is more beloved to me than that which they (the wife of the Azeez and the women of the city) call me to.” 

    Recall, how many times you have uttered something similar? 

    Imam Al-Mawirdi said, “Your trials are a consequence of that which you utter.” 

    Be careful with your words, be careful with what your tongues utter, because you will be confronted with what you say. Therefore, choose the best in what you seek from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and ask Him to give it to you in this world and the next. 

    In a story which Sheikh Ali At-Tantawi narrates, he says: 'I was a judge in Syria, and it so happened that a group of us were spending the night with one of our friends when I suddenly found it difficult to breathe and felt severely suffocated. 

    I sought permission from my companions to leave but they insisted that I stay the night with them. But I couldn’t, and I told them I want to take a walk and inhale some fresh air. I left them, walking by myself in the dark, whereupon I heard the sound of someone weeping and praying coming from behind a small hill. 

    I looked and found a woman who appeared to be in distress and misery. She was crying effusively and praying sincerely to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. 

    I approached her and asked, “What is it that is making you cry, my sister?” 

    She replied, “My husband is a harsh and unjust man. He threw me out of the house, took my children and swore I will never see them again, and I have nobody and no place to go to.” 

    “Why don’t you take this to ajudge?” I asked. 

    She continued to cry profusely, “How can a woman like me approach ajudge?”' 

    The sheikh completed the story, crying, 'The woman says all of this but does not realise that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala had dragged a judge(meaning himself) by the neck to take him directly to her!' 

    Glory be to Allah! Who ordered him to leave in the darkness of the night? To stop directly in front of her with his two feet and ask her, he himself (as a judge), about her needs? 

    What supplication did this simple, poor woman make to have it answered with this speed and in this manner? 

    Oh you who feels distress and misery, who thinks that the world has become dark around him, just raise your hands to the sky, and do not say “How can my problems be solved?” 

    Rather, humble yourself in front of He who hears the footsteps of the smallest ant.

     

    Be certain, be certain that there is something awaiting you after your patience. 

    Indeed, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala does not trial you with anything except that there is good in it for you, even if you were certain of the opposite.

     

    Soften your heart and be glad. 

    Were it not for trials and tribulations, Yusuf 'alayhi salaam would have been spoiled on his father’s lap, but with trials and tribulations he became the Azeez of Egypt. 

    Do you still feel distress and misery after knowing this? 

    Be upon certainty that there is something awaiting you after your patience, something which will delight you and make you forget completely the bitterness of all pain. 

    Oh Lord, whoever opens this message or hears it, open for him the blessings of the provision of the heavens, of the heavens and the earth, and whoever spreads it among His servants, admit him into paradise without reckoning and punishment, and dispel, oh Lord, his worries and anxiety.'

     

    With best wishes to see you succeed at the highest level.

     

    -Muhammad Alshareef

  14. I know i shouldnt be writign here anymore but i have been feeling very strange lately. It has been three months and my husband has only been saying that he wants a divorce im hoping that there is more to it but i am not sure. He isnt filing for divorce but i guess he might just be lazy about it. He never does things on time he is pretty busy with work.

    But then i feel if a husband can live without his wife after three months and doesnt talk to her only talks to say he wants to proceed with a divorce does that man even love me or value me? :/ i feel guilty for not giving the relationship my all. I was so disturbed these six months of marriage i was needy of his time and i stood up against his family wenever they did something wrong maybe i shouldve been nice to his family for his sake. I know his family were being impossible but maybe my husband didnt have a choice. I dont know i feel bad and guilty. Moreover, he keeps blaming me for leaving the house when in reality he asked me to leave and booked my flight. I dont know. I asked him earlier to let me go for a break and now he says u wanted to leave me in reality which is untrue.

    Ive begged him a lot for forgiveness but he says life doesnt give us second chances and that i had my one chance. I told him 8 months is not enough time to deicde the fate of the relationship but he says it is enough for me. I dont know.

  15. Sister learn from my example. I'm a mess. Pls don't make the same mistakes I did. Let him go. He doesn't want the marriage. What husband stays away from his wife for this long. About filing, he won't do it.
    My husband repeatedly lied about filing, repeatedly threatened me by saying I will receive the divorce papers in a few weeks, sent me false divorce papers when I challenged him with no signatures, and when I finally filed for divorce myself months ago he's still messing me about. Your husband is playing games with you. He won't file for anything. Perhaps if ur dad pushed him too he might, but in my case involvement from both my family and solicitor made no difference - he's a nasty piece of work.

    Pray istikhara, and don't wait too long, if he's genuine he can always change his mind and take u back after you have filed for divorce. These husbands have no fear of God and I pray with all my heart that their punished both in this world, in the grave and in the hereafter, Ameen.

    • Maybe i deserve this? Maybe he is punishing me for standing up against his family? I put him in an awkward position. I dont know. I am confused

      • Sister you don't deserve this. Not at all. Your going through the exact same cycle that I went through and still go through of self blame. Do you really think that standing up to his family is a reason to divorce? If that's the case then why won't he ditch his family for putting you in an awkward situation where you had to stand up for yourself. Where's the justice in how he is treating you. If he is upset about you standing up to his family you said it yourself, you have apologised numerous times, he needs to be a man and help you find a solution to the issues at home rather than divorce. Even Allah forgives and grants a second chance so who is he to say you only have one chance ! He's arrogant and cruel. Sister, he's making excuses, he's guilty for wanting to end the marriage for no real reason. Read the posts on this website, where people are willing to forgive their spouses after they have committed adultery. Look at my example, look at the way my husband has treated me along with his family And As stupid as it was I still didn't give up, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and tried my best to make it work, so what kind of an excuse is your husband using. And I guarantee this, as time goes on and if you prove him wrong he will use a new excuse to want to end things.

        I can't see any major issues in the marriage or with what you have done. The issue is your husband. He's a man child. I pray Allah swt guides him and saves your marriage, but don't blame yourself.

        • I completely agree with Sister Bucks. Please Sister Tawakul , do not blame yourself for anything. I agree , we are humans, we too might have done some mistakes, like arguing but that is normal. Wives nags, all wives do at certain times but that cannot be the reason for divorce. They have to find the reason behind nagging and fix it, rather than doing all this.

          I just hate reading all this but it makes me realize that there are many such men in this world. Whatever it is , take care of yourself, the sooner you get out of it, the better.

          It took me 2 yrs to get out of a less than 3 months marriage - I mean final divorce, he gave it. Alhamdulillah I am blessed with a son 2.5 yrs and he is the source of my happiness.

          I would still say Allah(swt) has some maslihat in this for you both that you don't have kids, you can think about remarriage and once you move on, you don't have somebody to remind about him 24x7.

          Take care.. take care..take care.. you are not alone.. this is not the end of the world.. take care..

          • Salaam sister sometimes i feel maybe if i had a child i would have a reason to be happy but i guess we all want something we dont have. I just dont know why Allah swt would keep me in this limbo does He want me to initiate divorce? But i fear maybe i am being hasty and maybe Allah swt punishes me later for initiating divorce. Do i even have enough to ask for a divorce?i am trying to move forward looking for jobs etc. and Alhamdulillah i am much stronger than before but i wonder how long i will be in limbo.

        • "And I guarantee this, as time goes on and if you prove him wrong he will use a new excuse to want to end things."

          You are right. I am just fooling myself everyone around me is asking me to let go. Nobody sees any hope. I just dont want to initiate divorce so i guess i should wait for him? But i am scared what if like your husband he keeps me in limbo for a year or so what will i do then :/

          • Assalaamualaikum Sister,

            I agree, the child has become my reason to live further but at times, it still hurts because then there are new things. When you see that he has no father figure though that person is alive, fear of what to reply when child asks about father and at times, the burden of being father (We are naturally inclined to motherhood) but when we have to take the role of father, it becomes a bit tough - managing finances, decisions to which school, hospital etc...

            Even I used to fear a lot about that if I initiate I may regret later and it he did kept me in limbo for 2 yrs , then finally he initiated and completed the divorce formalities without even my knowledge, I came to know about it few months later when I tried to find where they went after taking my dowry articles.

            Anyways, 2 yrs was long time but at the end of the day, I have a satisfaction now that it was he who wanted to end things, I tried my best and he finished it.

            Just give a little more time, may be 5-6 months more, try to consider , I know its hard but just imagine that he died in natural calamity or so and try to live on your own. Find job or do anything which you wanted to do earlier or just spend time in knowing more about Islam. But during this period, no matter what, do not contact him. Even after that if he does not respond, then you do not try to interact, just ask your wali to send the papers.

            By the way, I was wondering how is your sister in that family? are you in touch with her? what is she saying?

            Take care.. Inn Shaa Allah these days shall pass and this is just dunya.

          • Sis I told my husband many times to send me the divorce papers when I got sick of him, and then I also sent him the divorce papers myself. Many times I cut off contact with him only for him to return and pretend he was working towards reconciliation only to hurt me again. I got both my family and solicitor involved but he still didn't budge. Only Allah knows what mental problem he has but from what I can see he's hurting me on purpose. Anyway, this is why things dragged on for so long. Even now he's sent me the odd text asking how I am, this is so typical of him, because he's an idiot. He has lonely moments I'm sure where he uses me, in the past I gave in, this time I've gone mad but I haven't text him back because what's the point he's only doing it to play with my feelings not because he means it. And it hurts. In your case your husband seems a little more stable but for whatever reason he's not filing for divorce. I think your plan to get your father to call him after eid is a good one. If he's decent he will give a firm answer. Just for the record, when my family approached my husband his entire family wanted a divorce yet despite everything my husband said he didn't want to end the marriage but did nothingn to save it and still put me down and continued to lie. For me that's what made it complicated. Even in the initial few months of seperation he often said things like he doesn't want to divorce me but just doesn't know what to do. He kept flip flopping and confusing me, and I kept getting my hopes up because he kept that door open, he never compeltly shut it, and I carried on trying to persuade him, he kept listening, we would meet, and then he would become cold again when things were starting to improve.

            If your husband is stable, and isn't flip flopping, trust me your fortunate in a way because he's making himself clear. Maybe let your dad talk to him and after a few weeks you can try talking to him too and see how he feels. Remind him of the Islamic way for divorce even if he does want to divorce and that's for you to live under the same roof as him until things are finalised. If he's not changing at all, then please don't do what I did, end it. Even if you have filed for divorce he wants to reconcile, he will.

            Has he contacted you over the last few weeks at all?

  16. Not at all. No message, nothing it has been three weeks today since we talked. He hasnt said anything about the divorce either. My sister gets divorce threats from her husband all the time too so she cant help me at all. They are convinced that we are evil. My husband has gotten pretty sick and my mother in law is blaming it on me even though i am not even there. My husband is going to parties and enjoying his friends the whole family is while i rot here. I know maybe inside my husband misses me but his ego will never allow him to msg me or admit tht he misses me. Even before marriage he never showed any sensitivity during our long distance it was only after wedding that he became nice to me but that also changed later.

    My husband is convinced that i am an evil person he has blamed for things that in the past i have explained to him and he seemed to understand at that point. I dont know what to do anymore.

    Yes sister he doesnt flip flop at all even before marriage he never let me feel very good for too long. No gifts or anything i dont know long distance does something to him maybe. I thought of going back too but everyone says it is a bad idea and they will again make it into something it is not.

    • Three weeks is still quite soon. Let him miss you and get in touch with you himself. Give it a little more time and be patient. Spend time in prayer.

      Just one thing I want to add though, my husband initially would text me things like I'm finding it very hard, I miss my wife etc etc all things that would make me think he wanted me back. But I was compeltly wrong, when I would give him any intreswt he would start abusing me again. It made me realise that he would text me when he felt lonely or sorry for himself. Even if your husband does text you, you need to stay strong and firm and tell him to make a decision and stick with it. I didn't do that with my husband because I was scared he would make a decision I didn't like. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is regardless of what your husband does or says, unless he says or specifically starts acting towards reconciliation don't fall for any tricks. Don't be harsh with him either, give him a chance to communicate with you.

      Also, I know it's easier said than done but the way your husband is behaving, the ultimate decision is yours. You can keep waiting and avoid the inevitable like I did or make a decision and action it yourself so that you don't waste your time.

      I pray with all my heart that first and foremost Allah swt guides your husband and puts mercy and love in his heart especially during this blessed month. But if Allah's plans are different then I pray He replaces him with someone even better, Ameen.

      • True i just dont know how long to wait actually. Honestly i am mentally prepared and much stronger and from what ive seen te wait is more difficult once it happens people get over it because they dont have any option! IF he msgs i will be a bit straight forward because he has been extremely harsh wit me on messages and i have begged him so much that i just need a decision now. I have been waiting for three months to change his mind but whenever i talk to him he gives me a door slam.
        And my husband has his whole family and frnds and circle and all it will be long till he feels lonely. It hurts me to think that i have given this man so much when we were in long distance and because of six months he just threw me away. I guess those three years didnt matter to him at all. If i tell this to anyone everybody says these issues are so small why is he divorcing u on these? And i guess honestly he just doesnt love me. Its hard for me to face it but its the truth.

      • Sister bucks i think your husband is a classic case of passive aggressive spouse my husband is one too.

        • Lol sorry it made me laugh because he said I was passive aggressive!!! Eventhough I'm the complete opposite I verbalise what I'm thinking. My husband has no fear of Allah at all, which is why he does what he does. But also, I think he has psychological issues because of his childhood which I tried really hard to get him to open up to, but got nowhere. He has awful parents, a very dysfunctional family, if I'd realised before marriage i would have left him because I generally come from a typical big happy family, if it wasn't for my issues we are all very happy and meet very often, can't say the same for my husbands family.

          • I understand now i realize he is a very complicated case of passive aggressive but all along he used to say I am passive aggressive! And at the same time he used to complain why are you so vocal and demand whatever you want from me (like asking him to take me out or spend time with me) he said i am not like this and i cant demand things from people. My husband, i honestly have a mjor soft corner for him for the same fact. His parents had a bad marriage he has always seen them fighting so even before marriage he told me i dont want u to fight with me ever. Even after the marriage when he was being distant i went ot him and i said u dont like when we have fights right? From now on ill try to not fight and tell u my perspective calmly and he agreed.

            I dont know he is like a kid with so mny problems for me I have always wanted to love him and protect him and give him so much love tht he forgets his pain but today, he doubts my every move he says i plot and plan against his family it hurts to hear such things from the people u love most. Im not the kind who will have malicein heart for someone yes i can be outspoken and say something or stand up for myself but i never ever hold a grudge. All these years because i hve had this soft corner for him i gave him chances even when he hurt my feelings but for me, he says there is no second chance because i made his life miserable.

            Honestly bucks, sometimes i think i want him to be happy only and if he says i make his life miserable ill go out of it if thts wat makes him happy. I can survive this inshaAllah i know. But real love demands to make the other person happyso if this is what it takes im ready. 🙁 but i just hope he doesnt have anything vile for me in his heart. I told him in our conversation tht please even if we end it lets end it at a good note he said there is no good note you did whatever pleased you and now i am going to leave you. 🙁

  17. im sorry for the pain you are going through, but honestly seeing this from a third person, i can see you loved your husband very much and didnt want to give up on your marriage but you have honestly done all you can to save your marriage. you need to walk away be strong and stop giving him so much control over you. he is wasting your time and you are allowing him to hurt and manipulate you. even if he decides he now does not want divorce why would you even consider taking him back? his family will not change their opinion of you, and will always influence him. he is stubborn, cruel and petty. why would you want a man who can treat you this badly for so long without any remorse, has no regards for your feelings, asked for a divorce over the smallest of things and has degraded you by making you beg and beg for him but doesn't want to be with you or let you go and keeps insisting on divorce?? sister i know it must be hard but reality is there is nothing to feel confused about. you are making this difficult for yourself. you need to cut all contact and take sister bucks advice. send him divorce papers once and for all and weather he signs or not move on with your life. if he refuses to sign involve lawyers whatever need be done but you need to be firm and show him he has no control anymore. find a partner who will love respect and cherish you and stop wasting time thinking what if i had did this or did that. everything that happens is the will of allah. if his family were mistreating you, you did nothing wrong in sticking up for urself. would you rather allow them to mistreat you and for you to stay quite be with him so he can in turn mis treat you asswell? a husband thats not willing to take a stand for his wife? i have seen this in many examples in my life, it never ends well. cooking food a wrong way is not grounds for divorce. he has shown his true colours and even if he took u back most likely after an initial honeymoon phase he would revert back to his old ways.

    it is ramadan. use this time to heal, become stronger. stop focusing on how he feels, what hes thinking, why hes doing this, or how mean or cruel he is. let him go. hes made his decision stop waiting for him to change his mind. focus on you and healing your heart. "a queen doesnt wait for her king, she keeps herself busy with her kingdom untill her king arrives"

    i really pray allah remove this pain for you and sister buck. i hope i havent offended you but i can see you are a good person with a big heart and honestly you dont deserve this i see this as a blessing. he doest deserve you.

    he isnt prepared to give you even a second chance yet you have begged and begged him and given him chance after chance yet you still feel confused and hopefull for him?sister NO. u need to be firm. he is taken advantage of you becos he knows you want him and you are weak to him. and your family needs to be firm with him that it isnt acceptable to treat thier daughter in this manner. please dont let him be in control of your mind or of you for a minute/hour or day any longer. he doesnt deserve a single tear let alone a second/third or fourth chance.

  18. Sister I agree with the above advice but Hun why do you care if he has anything vile in his heart towards you ? That's his problem not yours. I'm telling you he's making one excuse after another to end the marriage, he wants to put the blame on you so that he can justify his decision. His booking your ticket and sending you to your parents is his way of saying it's over, he's a coward. He couldn't handle the pressure of marriage so he packed your bags and sent you on your way - that's his solution. A real man would either find a solution or end things amicably rather than throw you out of his house. I heard a lecture where islamically you are in fact supposed to end a marriage amicably, it's even suggested you give a gift to your wife. Also the right thing for him to do even if he does want to end the marriage is tell you it's not your fault or give his exact reasons why. There are steps that are taken before ending a marriage, it's not a game.

    I've been through and still am going through what your facing now. And it makes me angry. He's a coward, too coward to actually follow his words with actions. It's very easy to say you want to divorce someone and then send them away so that you don't have to face the pain of talking to or seeing them face to face, but it's a completely different story actually signing a paper and making things official - it breaks you. I've been there, I did it reluctantly but the pain is intense. Your husband won't do it. He's not stalling because he wants to reconcile, not from what I can see, if he wanted to reconcile he would not play games, he would make it obvious. He's stalling because he's weak and lacks iman.

    Who cares if you stood up to his family. What's the harm in that. I didn't stand up to my husbands family at all, I tried to make things work, my arguments were with my husband until it got too much and I had ONE argument in front of his mum, because I couldn't bare the fact that she was lying to my face and my husband was laying on a sofa watching TV while I was a complete mess. Even after that argument I actually begged and cried in front of my mother in law, his older brother and sister in law. I pleaded and apologised - I don't even know what for, but just so that they could help bring my husband back since they knew where he was. It worked, he came back, but again he treated me like crap constantly impressing his mother and sis in law. The second argument was again in front of his mother when I found out he was cheating on me, and you know what his mothers advise was ? Call the police on me because I was arguing into the night, because I was angry. She didn't notice the fact that her son had committed Zina, that he'd bruised me in the process of shutting me up and snatching his fone from me, no, she only saw that her son could do nothing wrong - I was the problem. Oh and the reason she didn't call the police was because I was bruised and she didn't want her son to get into trouble! Awful woman - May Allah swt punish her in this world and the hereafter, Ameen.

    Sister it makes no difference, you could have been perfect, you could have remained patient, just like your sister, but they will still find an excuse to put you down and make you the culprit. They will manipulate the situation so that it confuses you and think it's your fault. Don't let them do that. In your mind be strong and understand that you haven't done anything majorly wrong to be divorced. It's him.

    About his parents arguing etc, he should learn from that and find ways to communicate better, not divorce. I'll give you a personal example, my own parents, I can't even count the number of times they have argued, im not saying it's a good thing but it's normal for them, they argue get it off their chest and then become the best of friends within seconds, they still love each other and are happy together after many years. But that doesn't mean that my siblings have used my parents arguments as a reason to divorce their wives when they have had arguments. They've kept things as private as possible and resolved situations as a couple should. On the odd occasion where either myself or other members of the family have been involved, we have put our feelings aside and have aimed to help them reconcile rather than divorce them but it's taken a lot of patience from all sides.

    Someone very close to me, his wife left him within a few months because she didn't want to live with his parents, so he gave her a separate home but she still continued to argue over petty things. She was disrespectful and embarrassed him in front of me, the rest of his family and friends. Yet he still didn't consider divorce - she left him, he let her cool down because she was pregnant with his child, after she had realised that she was the one at fault (which took almost a year) she begged for forgiveness not only from him but from everyone else too. Her husband forgave her eventhough by this time he was considering divorce, but it was a difficult period for them both, but alhamdulillah now a few years down the line they are happily married, well bonded with two beautiful children, and to this day she admits she was wrong. But the point is that she realised her faults and he forgave her, they went through a testing period even after the reconciliation and it took a lot of effort and prayers and patience from the families to eventually make the marriage work, and it's only now about ten years later that things are starting to normalise. So unless your husband is willing to go through that I don't see how you begging him will make any difference. He needs to break his pride in order to reconcile which I don't see happening.

    I've already given you the example of my friend whose wife sent him a khulla because her family couldn't cope with him being from a different race. He was heartbroken but a few years down the line when his ex realised she had messed up, he forgave her and remarried her, and it's been a few years and their happily married with a child.

    Also, you have the example of your older sister. Unfortunately as you say, she is constantly threatened with divorce and is miserable. That will be you if you go back. I'm not sure why you even decided to marry him in the first place if the older brother was so cruel to your sister. There's something wrong with the whole family, they have poor etiquette.

    So in essence the reasons your husband is giving you are silly. If husbands have forgiven their wives in the above circumstances why can't your husband forgive you even though I personally don't think you have really done anything wrong. He's unforgiving, and hard hearted.

    Make a lucky escape sis, don't make the same mistake I did. I know it's hard, and I think of myself when I say that too, but you need to make the decision. Most likely it will be you who files for divorce, not your husband.

    I really hope that im wrong, and that Allah makes things work out for you. Ultimately it's your decision, I see no harm in waiting a little longer but not too long to form a decision in your mind and prepare yourself for the next step. Only you can decide what is best for you.

  19. Honey you havent offended me at all. Everything you said was correct and i know it deep down in my heart. "a queen doesnt wait for her king, she keeps herself busy with her kingdom untill her king arrives" this was beautiful 🙂 im starting to think maybe i knew it all along tht he never loved me but still hoped he would change that was a wrong approach. I felt like nobody would ever love me for who i am i had self esteem issues too. But then i started working and i received so much appreciation Alhamdulillah that i realized he was treating me unfairly that is wen i started speaking up and realized that i need to fight for my rights. I guess i took it too far by standing up against his mum also. But anyway, Alhamdulillah im thinking of apologizing to my mother in law one last time because i am accountable to God only I dont want to offend Him. I know she wont forgive me but i want to do it for God only.

    Sister, Alhamdulillah at first i kept asking Allah why the delay? Why dont u just give me my decision? Now i realize He made me wait to gain strength my Rab is Merciful 🙂 and still He has something in store that is why He is making me wait inshaAllah when I feel it is right I will break it off if he doesnt. However since my sister is also involved and we r still connected to their family i dont think he will drag it for long. He will have to make a decision sooner or later.

    Sister bucks, you are right i couldnt agree with u more he is just a weak man. I just got to know how his mother knows EVRRYY personal fight tht my husband and I have had. Now ive gotten to know that he used to complain abt me to his family and his family knew every little problem tht we had however he never told me wat problems he had eith me. This is why it has become such a big issue. I too am guilty of this i used to tell my sister yoo his faults but i knew she wudnt deal with him rudely because of this but his family i guess had a grudge because of his complaints. Now i understand how important it is to be the Libas for each other in marriage.

    He has been complaining abt the smallest of things. You are right bucks these are just excuses and he is trying to soothe his guilt. And the stories that youve told me have made me realize that there are good men out there too who stand up for their women. And actually treat their wives and protect them. I think he is being hard hearted because he wants to let go of me so bad but i kept on begging him and he didnt want to feel guilty. He is a confused man! I just think i need to give the final test of loving him which is to let go of him.

    • Omg he sounds so much like my husband when you say he told his family every little detail. Also I don't think it's a bad idea to apologise to your mother in law that might be all that's needed but even then think twice about whether he's a good man. I thought loads of times about apologising to my mother in law since the seperation but I'm afraid it'll only give them more power so I've left it, but your situation is different.
      I pray it all works out for you

      • She wont forgive me and yes it will make them feel like they have more power and they will make another issue out of it I know all that but I dont want God to be angry with me that is all. I have apologized to his brother and him his mother was unapproachable but now i hink i should go out of my way and just do it. It will make me feel better

      • Hmmm....so that makes me realize that my ex-husband is not the only one with these issues and as Sister tawakul said, because of him sharing each and every thing we discussed with family, it has blown out.....this is what exactly happened with me.. May Allah save all the females from such type of men.. Aameen

        • Yes! Even if he decides to forgive me his family wont because they are telling all our family frnds about how i behaved and how i was rude and wanted him to leave his entire family. Men should never ever do this.

          • Salaam, how are you holding up? I just had a thought, something I wish I'd tried in the early days of seperation - online counselling! You can both have it whilst your in different countries - why don't you try that?

  20. Sister, he doesnt even talk to me its been one month and two days since we last talkd. He thinks he is the victim here and he despises me he is so angry he even thinks i left him! After kicking me out of the house and arranging my flight details he still think I left him! Do you think he is in a state where he will be convinced with anything i say? He does not talk to me he does not reply to me he just goes around acting like a child who wasnt given what he wanted for his bday by his parents so he is showing them attitude. He is behaving exactly like that. If i had not mattered to him and if he were so indifferent dont u think he would be sorting out the divorce details with me? He isnt even talking to me! In his mind i am the evil person who ruined his life he repeats the statement "you ruined my life" even though whoever saw us as a couple used to say u guys r so calm and happy. His imaginative stories are getting the best of him. He is convinced in his head that i am an evil person and somehow he is punishing me in his head! i cant reason with him at all. He hasnt once messaged or called me on his own in these four months! 🙂

    • Hun I think my husband has a twin out there in the form of your husband !!! In the beginning few few months my husband did the same, he literally said eveyrhing was my fault he did nothing wrong - shocking considering he cheated on me! And that I ruined his and that I should get out of his life etc etc.
      But in the middle there was a little bit of communication because of the pregnancy, but even that was a favour and he wanted proof, which made me angry!

      Anyway, he's not going to do anything about the divorce, he's in no rush. Depending on what you want - you will have to make it happen, don't count on him. Maybe send him this khutbah when appropriate:
      http://youtu.be/tOesCP--Yg0

      When my husband initially disappeared I sent him numerous links and chapters from the Quran describing the divorce process. It had no impact on him whatsoever. I then booked us in for an Islamic course and as much as I hate to say this he denied verses from the Quran that had explicitly been discussed by the sheikh just to prove I was wrong! I was shocked but just couldn't reason with him. That's exactly how your husband is, selfish. You can't reason with him, make yourself strong, make a decision, cut him out of your life and send him the divorce papers - if that's what you want. Don't be a weakling like me.

      Also don't tolerate his behaviour - if he's mean, refuse to talk to him, don't answer. If he ignores you, you ignore him. Just whatever you do, don't be like me!!! Be strong.

      • Yes my husband seems to be in no rush either. My parents and other elders are asking me to be patient and wait for him to take a firm decision. He cannot drag it too much since our families are still linked so I doubt that he will unnecessarily drag it too much. I havent talked to him since the last one month as you asked me to. I dont think i have anything left to say i have begged a lot and it has not worked so what else does he want me to do// they are making an issue that i left the house on my own will which is so wrong . his mother has mentally finished this relationship. I dont think i will ever have tje guts to file for khula since my issues were very small and i cannot ever say that divorce is an option here. you did the right thing by filing for khuula because if my husband had cheated on me i wouldnt wait for him at all. but the thing is our problems are negligible and i dont want to be the one going for divorce and giving up on marriage just because of such stupid issues if he wants to do it he can but i cannot just give up on a marriage so soon. i will keep fighting inshAllah because God disliks talaq and if because of these problems i go for a divorce there will be no difference betwen me or him. so i dont knwo for now only waiting quietly makes sense to me.

        • I understand what your saying I waited a year and a half despite eveyrhing and tried, tried and tried - and occasionally things looked good, but it was temporary. I know my husband knows he's making a mistake, he's too arrogant and cowardly to step up and make things work. Losing me is easier than going through the hassle of making the marriage work.

          I haven't filed for khulla yet , started off with the legal divorce. Keep me in your prayers

          • Go ahead with the process itll be like ripping off the bandage but Alhamdulillah there will be no return of that sharp pain that you feel when there is an update about him or there wont be those days when u get frustrated about WHY he isnt signing the papers if he really wants the divorce. So move ahead and hope for a bright future do all the things uve always wanted to do. And look for a man who deserves you. Allah knows you deserve better trust Him.

  21. Sis I don't feel that way. I don't see how divorce settles matters, it'll still hurt. It's just that I'll know for sure that it's over so I'll adjust life accordingly hopefully. I don't think I'll ever forget about him or my marriage.

    • Once you are happy inshaAllah trust me you will forget all this well not exactly forget but these memories will stop hurting inshaAllah and you will smile and think how you thought this is the end of the world when it wasnt. InshaAllah when you have kids with a loving husband you will only feel bad for your ex and trust me you will forget all the pain he caused you. Yes divorce settles no matters but remember this wasnt your decision it was his. You just did his work for him which shows how the relationship is! He decides the fate of your relationship but doesnt do anything about it either. You have to do all the work .

      Grieve all you want sister but inshaAllah this will be the last time you go through this torturous cycle and gradually you will feel better inshaAllah. This dunya isnt meant to be perfect anyway now hope for your future and ask Allah for happiness and a big family inshaAllah with a man who loves n adores u because u deserve it.

      • How are you holding up sis?

        • not good. i think im going to have a nervous breakdown pretty soon! My body is exhausted from all this stress. how about you? i havent talkd to my husband his last msg was that nonsense about how he has made his decision so i never wrote back to him. i just want this to be done with soon. whatever the decision is he should just follow through. being in limbo is far more painful. i dont know how you have been doing this for so long! its been four months for me and i have become the weakest ive ever been physically. im having major anger issues i cry profusely without any reason. the day ramadan ended the whole patience i had went away. ive been feeling pretty low since eid. anyway, how about you sister? where is your process?

          • Tawakul. Out of curiosity, your English from the original post and now is worlds apart. Its like two different persons writing the post and the comments. #baffled

        • I had been feeling pretty low since the last three days so after writing this reply to you I went and had a conversation with Allah swt. and my friend called later on and told me something that cheered me up 🙂 Alhamdulillah after three days, my head feels lighter and the stress is gone. i feel lighter. subhanAllah 🙂 Allah never leaves us.

  22. Sister aaza -
    That thought crossed my mind a few times too. It' is a bit strange re: the difference in grammar.

    Sister Tawakul, to be honest I'm not sure how I managed to wait so long, I guess it was a mixture of fear of letting go, and of being made to believe that everything was my fault which then gave me the motivation and passion to really try to make amends. It's only when I finally woke up and realised that actually I was the one who had been abused that I had the sense to let go. I'd let him take over my heart, and let him take the space that only Allah is entitled too, it's when I got that balance right that I managed to understand that i could live without him.

    • yes sisters because it is so....two people have been writing these posts. my friend initially wrote the post and thought it will be a good idea to ask for opinions. Yes i think we jsut have to have faith that God will take care of us. I have honestly found it hard after ramadan to keep up that calm :(. it gives me peace to realize that one day this pain will stop hurting so much and it will have to end because like evrything else in this world, thiss too has to be temporary. you are in my duas sister bucks always 🙂

      • Salaam sis how are things going for you ? Was thinking of u today.

      • Aoa sis,
        I just wanted to say please e en if u get back together don't rush for a baby before you are a million % sure he loves you and wants a family. Men use children as weapons to subdue the wife. In my case I had my rifts n kept going back to my husband only to live in stress and that stress made my baby sick. Now his attitude keeps getting worse blaming me for our special child and using him as an excuse stop me. Its been five painful years and I dont have very many good memories. Even my husband is a good man but he isn't a good husband he verbally abuses me asks me to explain myself to him.n how mother always and now even insults my parents. I hate him now and wish I could leave but I cant because my baby is sick now and needs a year or two for his surgeries and treatment and in sha Allah he will.be fine. He hasn't changed for the better no matter the toughest circumstances I have endured for him and with him. He doesn't think of me as anything more than a door mat and now when I asked him for.divorce he threatened me about keeping the child and giving me a hard time in court. I am so tired of the verbal and emotional abuse I could leave my child with him just to get rid of him. But I endure because my baby needs me now.
        Imagine he made me so miserable I was praying to end his marriage even in hajj. But Allah SWT knows best when my suffering will end I pray this is a test not punishment and that HE gets pleased with me and makes it easy on me.
        I pray Allah SWT makes it easy on you . I wish you don't have to live in this relationship to teach you kids how to abuse their wives and degrade women.

        Love

        • He divorced me. I came to him all the way saying i cudnt give up on him. I entered the house and he divorced me. I called him from airport he thteatened if i come bak he will divorce me but i had nowhere else to go. He divorced me without even looking at me.

          Please pray for me.

          • What a horrible man sister! Be glad to get rid of him! This is not the behaviour of a good Muslim, just a monster. He will regret this I'm sure, if not in this world then definetly in the hereafter. I could never imagine someone could be so cruel.

            sister be happy that he's out of your life, he's a horrible man and you deserve better. I pray Allah swt replaces him with someone ten thousand times better who will love, appreciate and respect you, Ameen.

            If it makes you feel better, I've been a complete mess - my husband repeated the whole cycle of talking to me etc until he had a really terrible outburst last week, and started shouting at me for dragging the marriage on for two year. I've never been so baffled in my life, considering I'm the one who has filed for divorce beginning of the year. Anyway he's now told me to literally get lost, i got my family involved because I was shattered by his words - it seems he's finally serious, just waiting for the papers I don't know how I'm going to handle receiving them.

          • Alhamdulillah ala kulli haal & May Allah SWT ease ur suffering and may you find someone who cherishes you. I'm glad there was no baby involved. I pray your sister has an easy life too and may Allah SWT make it easy on her too. Don't be broken you have people who don't even know you praying and wishing the best for you.

  23. I really hope that both of them are punished both in this world and the hereafter for their cruel disgusting behaviour and that Allah swt rewards us with something better in this world and the hereafter Ameen

    • "I really hope that both of them are punished both in this world and the hereafter for their cruel disgusting behaviour and that Allah swt rewards us with something better in this world and the hereafter Ameen"

      You shouldn't curse someone and then say amen after it because who knows maybe your husband does the same thing , then what will be the difference between you and him?

      • She never did anything to hurt him and torture him so even if he curses her it doesnt matter becauae when you keep a woman in limbo for two yrs almost you are not even close to being a decent man. And a person has every right to either forgive the person torturing her or him or not forgive. Do not judge someone just by one comment go and look at what she has been going through for two years.

  24. Ameen. Sister im sorry tht u had to go through a cycle of being close to him n facing his reality again. Yes sister this is just not how normal ppl behave. Uwill cry and finally grieve like me 🙂 i have been crying since last night but with evry tear i seem to be saying good bye finally. My heart has this satisfaction tht i did my best and he finished it and i can do nothing to reverse it. Even if i want i cannot control this situation. It feels good to be so helpless for the first time. 🙂 im glad Allah swt gave the right to a man and not to a woman to utter these words.

  25. Sister hadenough jazakAllah ur rewponse made me cry 🙂 alhamdulillah i have so many prayers and so much support Alhamdulillah. JazakAllah khayr.

    • Dear Sister,

      I have been through once what you are going through now. Knowing him for 2 years, being a love marriage and all that.. Yes, it is good that you don't have baby with him. It would have made things different.

      Take care of yourself.. this is the not the end of the life.

      I used to listen to nasheed 'Allah Knows' at times and it used to give me relief.

      May Allah(swt) bless you..Aameen

      • But he was also sad after he left me he was also crying. I dont understand why this?

        • May be the circumstances pushed him like his family interference but whatever it is , he was not man enough to communicate, accept the mistakes and forgive your mistakes and to protect you from his family members. What is the use of crying after you have done damage which is irreparable. He could have stood up against all odds and worked on this marriage but he chose easy way out. You don't worry about it or even think about it much as he did what he wanted , under pressure or not, and he will be fine soon, believe me.

          • That is the thing. His family by the end was okay with whatever he wanted they couldnt care less. I have been crying nonstop. If he cried he must be a good man but how he behaved with me the last day is so cruel that it kills me inside. I dont know what to believe. I am broken. I am dead inside.

  26. And ofcourse he apologized and said it was very hard for him to do this n he has died inside a bit by doing this. I dont understand. How can a person say all this after being absolutely cruel.

  27. Salaam sister,
    Pls don't try to understand him. He's done what he's done. Focus on getting better and moving on from this, I know how difficult all of this is. Keep praying the Quran and doing your daily prayers, inc tahajjud. If you can, go for umrah/hajj and start fresh.

    I pray sincerely that Allah swt comforts you and heals your broken heart. And that your husband lives to regret his cruel behaviour both in this world and the hereafter Ameen.

    • Aameen...

      Dear sister tawakkul, I know that we all are asking you to shift your focus and don't try to understand him. It is hard very hard but you know this phase will also end. Nothing will be forever ; pain or happiness. All these phases of life is to make us ponder on the purpose of our creation and work hard to achieve peace by following the commands of Allah (swt ). When you feel very low, read or listen about people who are enduring more pain than what you are going through. Child abuse, slavery, hunger, war, destruction etc this will make us realize we are much better and provides some relief and make us thankful. Take care.. May Allah ( swt ) makes things easy for you.

      • JazakAllah sister looking at people who havr passed through this gives me hope that i will be ok one day iA. It hurts right now but the reality is the same that he just gave me up for his theory whatever it is. But i see beyond tht i mean God did all this not him. So i dont ask anymore why my husband did this. I am just glad i tried as hard as i could.

  28. JazakAllah khayr sister. Till yesterday i ws thinking and secretely wishing that he takes me back but tue things im hearing are awful. He is still blaming me! I killed my ego for him went to him to make amends just to show him i love him and he is blaming me! So today i have realized that this issue is deeper than I can understand. And alhamdulilah God granted me a job and only today i heard tht my colleague has a far worse story than me. Alhamdulillah God works in subtle and sweet ways. SubhanAllah.

    • Sister I'm so glad your feeling a little better, things do get easierand I pray the process is sped up for you, and Allah blesses you with the happiness you desire very soon Ameen.

      With regards to what your ex is saying don't bother taking it personally. He will say and do whatever he needs to as he himself goes througjt the grieving process. He's trying to justify his decision by blaming you, which must take some of the pain away but deep down only he knows why he did what he did and that will eat him up.

      Focus on getting better, and working towards a better life inshaAllah - show your ex what he missed out on.

      May Allah swt sooth your heart and make your life easy and joyful both in this world and the hereafter Ameen. Pls also keep me in your Duas

      • I keep thinking about why he did this. I mean marriage is no walk in the park anyway why was he expecting it to be easy. People make mistkes u have to be forgiving. Was i such a bad wife? Sigh. I will never know. He is blaming me as if i did it itentionally honestly he has made me doubt myself! Even i keep asking myaelf if i wanted it to end. Sigh it feels bad.

        Anyway how r u

      • Salam sis Tawakul

        I'm glad to read that you are doing better. What your husband did is simply unforgivable. You will have good and bad days, but you will feel that at least now you can re-build yourself and look forward to being happy again. Him blaming you is because he has done what no man should do- he coped out of marriage and signed himself off of his responsibilities in a way that makes him incredibly unmanly and in humane. He knows. But he's painting a picture of his own innocence so that he can dope with how ugly his decisions and personality is. At least you don't have to deal with him.

        Your husband was like this before he met you. For sure. It's just that you did not know. The way he has been cruel and cut you off is actually nothing to do with you. You know that by looking at the way he has behaved. A true believer and a good man does not humiliate nor hurt his wife like this. If he loves her he honours her and if he does not love her he does not humiliate and oppress her.

        Therefore set yourself free of his actions. They do not reflect you but reflect him. And when you reached out to help him he left you in a foreign airport and refused to see you. What kind of a man does that? A man who has a destructive personality, insecurities and little eman.

        Once your feelings pass you will be so happy that he left. Because you now have a chance to meet a wonderful person to share your life with.

        I have gone through something similar to you- a year later Allhamdulillah I have no feelings for my ex. I think of him remembering both the good and bad. I know he was not right for me, not today and not ever. And a year after he broke the marriage he apologised and said it was he who had wronged me truly. Allhamdulillah by now though he is just a stranger. Forgive and forget. I would never have been happy with him so I understand it was a test I had to go through. For me it is not about him but about me and a need to grow closer to Allah swt. I work at that daily and I try to be a better muslimah. Overall I've had really happy moments over the year Allhamdulillah and have continued to see success in my life. No person can take away Allah swt Blessings upon you so don't be afraid and don't be sad. Cry if you need to but turn to Allh swt and Thank Him. You were saved from a terribly difficult and sad future.

        Good luck sis.

        • It is painful to read all of the sisters stories here and the struggle to come out of it . I feel the pain like my own sisters .
          I pray Allah to solve all of your problems and bless a good ,understanding husband in future .

          I think this site has really helped to become strong and fight the situation positively .

        • Very well said sister hopeful. It must have felt good when he apologised, at least he came to his senses and felt remorse.
          I pray for all those going through marital problems that Allah swt eases their difficulties and grants them happiness, Ameen.

  29. Assalaamualaikum Sister,

    How are you holding up? I hope you have a close friend or a family member to rely on always...I know it takes time and no time is enough and we always need somebody to whom we can just go and let out.

    I hope you get all the good in your life and take care.

  30. My husbands finally acknowledged the divorce too, I haven't slept in days eventohohh it was expected, but I guess now that hopes compeltly gone. I feel as though my life is compeltly over, but Allah knows best.

    May Allah swt help us all.

    • Aoa itll happen sister . Take baby steps. And realize that now you are finally out of this torture of not knowing what is going to happen. I sat on the prayer mat and told Allah that I am His slave and I will never question His will and He can do whatever He wants with my life. As rumi says "What a relief to be empty! Then God can live your life" 🙂 it is the hardest right mow you will cry and u will feel like ur life is over but gradually u will see that now u actually have the opportunity to do whatever uve always wanted to do. Ive started reading books something i havent done in ages. Ive been so focused on having a marriage being a wife all my life that i forgot to work on myself. Now i am trying to change myself doing things ive never done and becoming better and stronger Alhamdulillah.
      As far as the emotional aspect is concerned i cried in the beginning a lot but then the tears just stopped coming. And i started thinking about alll that happened. I was a mess until one day i talked to my brothers wife. She did not have any idea what had happened sp i sat with her and since my emotions had stopped showing i told her every single thing from a to z. And honestly during that session of me telling her everything i realized myself that i did all this to myself. I had been just justifying abuse in one way or the other. The bottom line is i wasnt being treated like a woman is supposed to be treated. There was no love from his side. It was all an illusion i had.

      Talking to her and telling her the whole story helped me a lot because i analyzed my situation from a third persons perspective and realized that i had been nothing but a fool. And later i cried thinking that Allah swt was showing me all these signs and He probably was doing that so that i would be kind to myself and put myself out of the misery but i insisted on being with him. But Allah swt proved that He loves me more than i love myself and He decided to pull me out of it somethin i didnt do for myself. I didnt value myself or realize that i deserve to be loved but Allah swt thought otherwise. SubhanAllah He loves us more than we love ourselves.

      Talk to someone once and do a thorough analysis once then u wont feel the need of crying or analyzing it anymore. Its hard yes but ive realized im not alone Alhamdulillah we didnt have kids otherwise we wouldnt have been able to see their pain. We have it way easier than the sisters who have children trust me. Always look at people who are in worse situations. Think about ppl who struggle to survive. Alhamdulillah if u have health use that health to get closer to Allah. Just focus on God now. And let Him make ur life's decisions.
      Sometimes feeling empty and having no aspirations for the future is also good since u r content because of absence of expectations.

      I am always here for u and remember u will bad today but tomorrow will be better than this now it will only get better inshaAllah. U wont have to go through the hope cycles anymore 🙂

      InshaAllah Allah has written a much better story for u. After all marriage is not the goal right? Love yourself take care of yourself righ now focus on surviving throughout the day. But this pain will get better i shaAllah i never used to believe it wen i used to read this line but now i am telling u IT WILL GET BETTER INSHAALLAH.

  31. Salaam,
    What an amazing response sister its full of positive energy MashaAllah. Your definetly right things do get easier but right now I feel a little numb. I'm progressing and just going through life like a robot, I feel no joy in anything. I guess after waiting for so long I felt comfortable thinking my husband would never acknowledge the petition - he kind of still hasn't, his solicitor has just sent me the conditions which seem reasonable and now I need to agree to proceed, but it's the fact that he's obviously decided now and wants to move on.

    I still love him a lot, and it feels so strange that all of this is happening, sometimes I forget that I ever got married and feel this horrible feeling in my chest when I remember. I've been fighting this urge to ring his mother and him to convince them both that I'm not a bad person, that I'm sorry for the mistakes they feel I've made,, that I was inexperienced. But I hold back because I know it will only be abuse on the other end.

    I've become so paranoid, I'm constantly thinking this is all happening because of the evil eye or black magic, various experienced scholars I've spoken to have suggested it too because of certain dreams and other things I've been experiencing. But then I feel so helpless I feel as though Allah is angry with me and it causes a panic.

    I'be changed completely as a person, I wonder if the person who imitates the divorce ever feels remorse or regret, in my case I feel as though my husband hates me so much he's probably out celebrating.
    Sorry for the negativity, I'm just not in a very good place at the moment.

    • Walaikumsalam Sister Bucks,

      Whatever you are feeling, negative thoughts, thoughts about him celebrating or feeling to get in touch with his mother .. all these are normal. I too had felt the same, so nothing wrong in that. This is part of the process. Feeling guilty or remorse or regret, everything would be there for a while and life never appears to be standstill. Allah (swt) has plans for us. Though I am not remarried and I don't see any chance of it happening but still days passed by, I see my son growing up along with office work etc.

      I too feel lonely sometimes, feel as if I am just going through motions of life without any real feeling inside. I am always a smiling person when I am at work and at times I feel that it is all something which is not real, I cannot connect that smile with my inner self but believe me this is better than being in a situation (uncertainty about marriage) which I was or you / sister tawakull was in.

      I will definitely not say that life is going to be rosy but it is not all going to be dark because it is just like any other phase of life where we can have good moments, bad moments, loneliness etc. It has its own challenges, you may come across different type of people, those who unnecessarily blames us for all this or those who sympathize with us, even those who just think that whatever we went through is nothing etc. As each day passes by, the feeling of hurt will subside.

      Never feel that you are alone. You know just the other day I was crying in the middle of the night thinking about my artificial happiness or smile which I carry whole day with me, feeling guilty about not able to spend time with my son due to financial responsibilities etc. Next day I saw the image of that syrian boy washed across the shore, he was just as old as my son is and it tore me apart as a mother. It also reminded the numerous blessings (food,clothing,shelter - a life free from calamities happening across the world) Allah (swt) has bestowed upon me.

      We are with you, just write here whenever you feel to share, whatever it could be , anger, happiness, regret. We are here with you so never feel alone. If you have time apart from work, then there are multiple resources, subscribe for Bayyinah TV, learn Arabic, keep yourself engaged in activities. Take care.

      May Allah(swt) make it easy for you.

      • Jzk for sharing your thoughts and for the support sister. I've realised about myself that it takes me a while to come out of negativity - but I'll get there InshaAllah.

        You made an interesting point about knowing that you won't marry again, why do you say that?

        • Assalamo alaikum. Sister umm e abdullah expect good from Allah swt He is Al Kareem He has something wonderful in store for you wish will inshaAllah finally connect ur outer smile with ur inner smile. I too feel the same way like my happiness isnt real. But you are absolutely right atleast it is better than being miserable all the time and having false hopes and being hanging in the middle. Alhamdulillah. Even though my life is quite a mess right now and I am not the same anymore and I do not know what my future holds but Alhamdulillah i have this deep feeling in my heart that my Allah saved me from a worse outcome. I couldve stayed married but it wouldve been more difficult than what I am facing right now. This inherent belief sisters is what we need right now. Blind faith in the fact that Allah saved all of us.

          Sister bucks, these feelings are normal just when things r slipping away at the last minute u want to try desperately to save it. But this is not worth saving sister i assure u inshaAllah after a month or so u will agree with me that it was not worth saving and u deserve much better than him. Sister, why do you want him to regret it? If he regrets it that means he has a heart inside. He doesnt sister. He is a monster and you have to acknowledge tht. And such monsters harm thenselves the most Alhamdulillah u will be soon out of his life and he will not be able to harm you anymore but imagine being in his shoes how can he live with himself? He is stuck with himself fotever! Trust me bucks this love u have for him will fly away soon and he will start feeling like a stranger. A person who is capable of ignoring his own wife for two years and not giving her rights is a selfish man basically. Who does not want u to go anywhere or move on but cannot give himself fully. Do you think you could have spent all your life with such a man? Dont u think when u wouldve had kids with him he wouldve one day decided that he can still find a better younger woman and would fly away? Would you want to walk on egg shells all ur life? Why do you choose that for yourself? A man who is this selfish will only think about himself no amount of love or time invested in him wouldve made him selfless or think about you.

          This is like ripping off a bandage or more like jumping from a cliff u do not know what is down there waiting for u but u have to take this leap. U cannot be stuck here waiting for him to become a better person. U cannot save him from his bad luck. He is losing u it is entirely his loss. U knw what men with ethics and morals do? Who want a divorce? One of my frnds went through a divorce too but u knw what he did he tried to work on it and they BOTH decidee in the end that it is not working. And they split up. He didnt keep her in a limbo and torture her like u do to a pet in a laboratory just because Allah swt gave u a right over one woman doesnt mean u can abuse it. Sister u knw how they say with power comes responsibility im sorry but such men abuse their powers.

          He will not realize his mistake he has made such stupid choices u cannot save him. And now hr continues to ruin his future by treating u this way. Do you think Allah swt will let him go? This will come back to him. And even then maybe he wont regret it arrogance is a pretty little thing. My ex husband still thinks he is the victim. But i do not care any longer. I have given him my prime years trying to make his life better i remember thinking to myself its okay if he doesnt do stuff for me i will give him so much love that he will forget his pain and become a good person. Im sorry but that dpesnt happen. If Allah puts a seal on someones heart only He can remove it. If a man has the audacity to be this cruel to his libaas i.e spouse. Imagine what he is capable of doing. Forget it sister i assure u u r better without him.

          And being with a man is not the goal of life. Yes we should expect good from Allah swt but also remember that Allah swt sent us here only to worship Him this life is all but a test. Some ppl r given blessings and tested and some are given trials and tested.A slave does not questions his Master's will. Allah says in the Quran that we explain everything clearly but still some dont believe right? So sister Allah swt was showing u signs all along that this man is not deserving but u couldnt leave him. But Allah swt was SO kind to u that He made a situation in which He took u out without u being unfair to anyone. He loves you so much and wants u to have a better life than walking on egg shells. Why are u resisting?

          You are a wonderful person Umm e Abdullah and bucks both of you. You both deserve better. Forget remarrying or finding another guy do Not start waiting for the next person to come n save u be ur own super hero. And take care of urself. Look we do not knw how long we have on this earth our lives will end one day and then nothing of this sort will matter trust me. so do not waste ur time worrying for something that is already decided by Allah swt. Believe that He has a plan written for u and no matter what or how painful it is u will inshaAllah get through because it was specifically designed for only u by the power who loves u more than u love urself. Why worry? Take care of urself honey and if he is enjoying and if he hates u (ur husband) let it be. Hr has to pay for what he has done to u and he will one day.

          You are an educated, selfless, kind, beautiful woman any man should be proud to have u as his wife. This guy wasnt wise enough to realize that. Let it be. Let him live in his bubble in which he is always right. He can never make anyone happy. Allah wants u to get away from him and his negativity. Accept God's will.

          Love and hugs.

          • Salaam sis I respect you for your strength MashaAllah. It is clear from reading your post that Allah swt is testing you and your passing the test with flying colours, look how close you have become to Allah swt, He will surely bless you. Your response to me was like a breath of fresh air, literally, I was feeling so unbelievably suffocated and then I read what you wrote and it actually helped to relax me a little. I'm just not as strong as you, nor as connected to Allah which i hate, but the only way I can describe my situation is that I feel lost and scared like a child, and I have so little self esteem that I've lost my self worth now that my husband has left me.

            I know this is something I will need to work on, but I'm surprised at how much this has all affected me so negatively. I was the happiest person you could've known, and would often get told off for laughing so much. I went through lots of tests prior to all of this and I would cry and feel depressed for maybe a few days but that would be it id bounce back so quickly, but it's so hard to do now. People have started suggesting people for marriage but they are the weirdest guys I have come across or they see me and change their minds - I feel ugly and old.

            I'm so scared, but I pray some day I will feel normal again. Also umm abdullah - pls don't feel disheartened, you have a beautiful baby boy, you've been blessed MashaAllah. I pray Allah swt takes your life and changes it for your completely, Ameen.

            I'm going to try and break free from this negative mindset and start building up my confidence InshaAllah. Pls keep me in your duas.

        • Dear Sister bucks, I am sorry for showing certainty about not getting remarried as it is about future and only Allah (swt) knows about it.

          Initial days when people suggested about remarriage I had trust issues, I trusted a man loved him and he left me pregnant , at least that time my life was on stake but now I am a mother and fear for my son about being accepted if I remarry. I know I should put all my trust on Allah (swt) and should not have this fear but due to so much bad news paedophiles, own parents abusing children's I am scared.

          Also why do I feel that it is almost not possible because of my age - 31, my status - divorced mother, very less options due to societies mindset - I live in India.

          Allah (swt) knows better what is in store for me

  32. And Umm e Abdullah ur son is one day going to thamk you for this. You are a brave and strong woman. Not many women re like you why are u feeling guilty abt the time not spent with ur son?are u having fun during tht time? No right? U r doing what his dad was supposed to do but was a coward and cudnt do. MashaAllah u shudnt cry because of tht but u sould give urself a pat on the back. Do u knw how many women just abandon their kids and start thinking of them as a reason they are miserable? You are a wonderful woman who has her priorities straight. Not many women are as wise and strong as u r. Allah swt is with you and that isall u need.

    • Jazaak Allah sister your words made tears flow from my eyes. I just want my son Abdullah to be real Abdullah(slave of Allah (swt)) not of any culture or any fake love of this world.

      Maa' sha Allah you are very strong, you are helping yourself and others to heal fast and realize our purpose of life. Mine was love marriage, somewhat similar to yours. I knew him as colleague for an year and then fiance for an year but got separated in less than 2 months and I can write a book full of ways in which they mentally tortured me. I too have felt and saw the symptoms of black magic but whatever it is , It is the qadr of Allah (swt).

      Thank you for the hug. I am really thankful to the management of this forum as it helps us to share gain strength from each other, though they don't allow sharing personal e-mail ID's but we are still connected and can feel less loneliness by expressing our views.

  33. How are u guys 🙂

    • As salaam u alaikum Sister,

      Alhamdulillah I am okay, a bit depressed. Though I have a kid and I stay with my family, I feel lonely. I can't describe my feelings. I feel like a man , I know I should be thankful to Allah (swt) for being blessed with a child and a good job. I wish to have a normal life, I feel so lifeless, emotionless, empty. Please pray for me.

      Take care

    • I'm actually very irritable and angry, and it all comes out on my parents which hurts them and then hurts me. I feel so ashamed for behaving like a child ! Pls make dua for my parents, I love them to bits but I'm causing them pain, not forgetting sinning, but I can't help it sometimes. May Allah help us all. Ameen.

      • Sister ,

        When environment is heated up just move out from home for few hours and then come back as it will help you avoiding any arguments with your old parens ..Insha allah

        • Yes I feel very bad for them, they are reflecting my emotions the sad ones and they don't deserve it. Not at all. I feel so sad. I'm actually going to book them a holiday so they can get away from me for a while and refresh their minds. Im leaving the country too - and trying to working abroad for a while and Come back when I'm better emotionally

          • As salaam u alaikum sister bucks

            How are you doing.Good to see that you are active on the website, commenting on others issues. How are your parents?

            Sister Tawakul

            How are you and your work? How is your sister ? She may be having difficult time in that house and feeling depressed for you. Are you in contact with her? How is your job?

            Take care

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