Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I don’t want to be with my husband

no love, marriage without sex or intimacy

A little bit of background. My husband and I are cousins, we were engaged for 3 years before marriage.

Prior to the official rishta he sent his sister to my house to speak to me in private she took me out and asked me if i would be happy to marry her brother, I was 18 at the time and had feelings for someone else. Out of fear of our family I said yes I thought my family would disown me if they realised i had said no to him. I would marry him and thought nothing of it as I did not realise plans would go ahead so fast.

in the same year the rishta came, his mother (dads sister) came to our house and gave the rishta to which we accepted. She also states i could not complain about her sons habits of going out.

It was decided that we would get engaged, I was annoyed at this because I had feelings for someone else but as the time came closer I decdied to move on and get into this relationship as best as i could. I also voiced my opinion on disagreeing with an engagement as i believed we should’ve done our nikkah straight away however they refused. Even on the day I mentioned nikkah as the imam was present and they refused again.

We were engaged to be married and in the 3 years had many arguments between him and me as well as our families. I started talking to the guy i liked during these years. Our engagement was made public so everyone knew about it in our town much to my dismay.

Eventually the wedding day was booked I was not ready for this marriage and only agreed for the sake of my family. I feel like i was rushed. 2-3 months before the wedding I asked for time to think about the marriage and asked for it to be put on hold. As i wanted to make sure i was not making a mistake. I did research and learnt that the father is the one to voice the daughters concerns so i spoke to my father.

He was very angry that i wanted to put the entire thing on hold and rung his sister straight away to tell them my decision; i could hear them badmouthing me on the phone saying that i was stupid and that i was carefree and did i not know the wedding was so closeby. I was heartbroken i was in tears infront of my father. My father asked for my decision and all i could say was yes as he was angry and did not want to hear anything else. He agreed with my future in laws that i was being stupid and making a mistake with asking for time. (I should add that my husbands family were more well off than us so i feel this is why my dad assumed he would be a good match as well as the fact that he is his sisters son) The entire family were ringing and questioning me as to why i wanted time but i could not explain to them i was hurt and heart broken and felt bullied.

The wedding did eventually get delayed (not due to myself it was by chance) It was a big affair (something i was not happy with as i wanted a small wedding but my husband is an extravagent person and likes to show off so the entire wedding was a show which i went along with as i felt i had no other choice) everyone in our town knew about the wedding.

I tried to adapt to the situation and see the positive. I got married to him and moved in with him and his family. He was at university so i spent the first 2 months essentially by myself except on the weekends when he used to come home, i was depressed. Since he has finished uni he has not attempted to have any relations with me. We do not hug or kiss it has been 4 months since we married and we have not consumated our marriage.

Whilst we were engaged he barely spoke to me like couples do he had his own life and i had mine. I did try to communicate with him that we should spend time together and go out but he used to just shrug this off and i used to just think it was maybe because we were engaged and he would change after marriage. I feel like we are living in a marriage where we have seperate lives. When i tried to go close to him and sleep near him he used to question me and say why are you on my side of the bed move to your side. Or if i faces him he would turn his back on me.

He spends all day on his phone talking to his friends both male and female, he spends his nights outside going to eat with his friends whilst i’m at home. When he is home i have to pick up after him and i feel like his maid.

I recently found out that he has an illness which has no cure and that he gets it on and off and it affects his mobility in his legs. It was something i was unaware off until recently. He is also overweight and i am not attracted to him the thought of being with him puts me off eventhough he has not tried and because he has not tried i cannot be bothered with him. I had mentioned his weight to him and he said he would lose it but he has made no attempt to.

I tried to make the best of a bad situation but I feel my efforts are worthless. I asked him why he did not tell me about his illness and he said everyone knew about it and i said i did not and he just shrugged it off. I feel i should’ve married my own choice and not listened to my family. I know i would have had struggles but they would be my own choice so i would have to deal with it

As i feel he was not my choice and forced on to me through family pressure when i tried to stop it i resent him and my family. I am not attracted to him i don’t want to have relations with him. What should I do? I don’t want to cause drama in my family but i cannot deal with this unhappiness. I also do not want to start a family with him but I long to be a mother and I know he would eventually want to be a father as he has mentioned it to me which is what annoyed me more as he has not attempted relations. Now i’m pass the point of waiting for him to make a move as we have been together for 2 yrs and married for 4 months and he seems to have no interest in our relationship. He would rather spend time with his male friends and his female friends. Despite the fact that he does not want me talking to boys.

Update: I started putting effort into the relationship and initiated the intimacy. We were intimate but emotionally I did not feel anything. Physically it wasn’t great. I didn’t feel satisfied. I don’t know what to do.

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9 Responses »

  1. What is it with Muslim women making terrible marital choices and then acting like victims or martyrs? You are NOT victims or martyrs! Let's get that straight! You made bad choices YOURSELF...no one ever taught you that choices have consequences? And that no one is freed from consequences?

    I'm sorry, but I have a hard time feeling bad for you - I actually feel worse for your husband, because you deceived him. You said yes to marrying him - even though no one put a gun to your head and forced you to accept him - while having feelings for, and contact to, another man. That's just wrong and immoral. Poor husband.

    You then continued to deceive your husband up until your wedding day when you suddenly decided you didn't want to get married. You do realize that that was the worst timing to make your feelings known? Why didn't you do it months before? I don't blame your father and your in-laws for being upset with you. You are clearly capable of saying no, because you did end up saying it....that's another reason why I can't feel sorry for you.

    I think you and your husband are a bad match for each other. I mean, it doesn't surprise me, considering how your relationship came to be. There is no chemistry between you and you don't seem to have common goals or ambitions to work towards together. I guess you can give marriage counselling a try...at least you can then say you have given you marriage an honest shot.

    • I agree.

      Sounds like she is desi (Pakistani, Indian or Bangladeshi), and 'us women' tend to have no balls when it comes to saying NO to marriages, make bad choices and then complain about it (and even blame Allah, Astagfurallah).

      "Prior to the official rishta he sent his sister to my house to speak to me in private she took me out and asked me if i would be happy to marry her brother, I was 18 at the time and had feelings for someone else." Asker should have said NO at this instant instead of dragging it out for many many years, hurting herself and others in the process.

    • She did not deceive him. He didn’t care to get married either. Both family pressured their kids. His mother told her not to complain if her son is outgoing. That’s a red flag. Your mother in law (your dad’s sister) and his sister knows his bad habits, so wanted to get him married because no Muslim girls won’t like his lifestyle.

      • I also felt irked about the comment of not complaining about his out going habit I would have rejected him right away. I feel the guy was upset about her complaints close to the wedding and he also never really cared. But I don't think he has a bad habit order than his care free attitude she would have listed it

    • exactly I feel the same way from the very beginning she should have said no. She didn't say no until 3years later close to the wedding time. Who wouldn't be upset, marry for your happiness ,your parents would not be the one staying with him. I also feel the husband felt angry and betrayed.

  2. You made this choice yourself to marry him and having feelings for another men you should have made this decision before not to marry him you married now you are trying your best to make it work but if it does not work you are still unhappy and he is not giving you time always out about get counselling with him if he doesn’t agree to go then talk to your parents about him if they don’t understand then make your own descion
    Your parents might break they tie with you by you taking this step
    And the other guy if you do decide to marry him will he accept you?I now you made wrong decsion marrying him
    But try to make it work if it doesn’t then divorce him
    Sometime in life we make wrong decsion and we regret all life but they are always way pray Allah Pak
    Try talking to him have chat with your dad
    And your update you have no feeling
    Because you had feeling for the first guy you loved
    It is going to be hard but talk to him if not then I would not ruin my life with him because you been 2 years and married 4 months with him divorce him

  3. Dear Sister: Although from the beginning you went along with marriage plans under pressure from your family, the good thing is that you have your entire life in front of you. You are a young woman, with brains and a heart. Believe me, you are doing a lot better than most. Sadly, your parents seem to be more engulfed in regional cultural traditions than Islamic belief. You do have grounds for a legitimate divorce since your husband has an illness that was concealed from you.

    Since you have had relations with your husband, you don't have to concern yourself with returning your mahr. I would strongly encourage you to purse divorcing your husband and being in a position to marry a man who lives on a budget who wants a loving companion that you do care for instead of someone with money that someone else picked for you. Expect to deal with your parents' ridiculous unIslamic and backward view of who you should marry and now wanting a divorce. Islamic traditions and law always outrank a parent's expectations for you to obey them, especially when it comes to marriage. I will warn you also not to expect any considerable support from an imam or religious institution. My observation is that throughout the Muslim world, women are pretty much viewed a property, servants, and sex providers, not humans with feelings. Your father's behavior before your wedding indicated his primary concerns -- marrying you off to someone rich -- as opposed to taking into consideration your own feelings.

    For three years you "went along" with what your parents wanted. You and your family even agreed that when he was single your husband can go out and party and it would be kept a secret? Now you are married to a man who concealed his illness, is not someone you want to be with and initially treated you like a servant girl. You do not want this life to continue. End it before you get yourself pregnant and have to deal with a more horrible family life. If you have a family member you can trust that is not so wrapped up in backward thinking of how married life should be, consider reaching out to them and possibly asking them if you can live with them when you are divorced. Your life will be miserable.

    As we say in the states, you are no longer 18 being manipulated. Put your big girl panties on. Get your possessions gathered together, store them and ask for a divorce based on the hidden illness. No intelligent person will hold that against you.

  4. And there we have one again. Sigh.

    You know one of the main reasons non-muslims think we're trapped by our husbands ( I mean women who have husbands) is because they think we're being suppressed and aren't allowed to do or say what we want to. But we do. We have a right to every decision that we make related to our lives.

    I don't know man, I just really don't get the concept of forced marriage, having a past lover, then an unhappily married life which also results in this whole turmoil of cheating spouses and whatnot. Couldn't you just say no when your dad asked you? Your parents aren't gonna be the ones sleeping beside your cousin every day for the rest of your life, it's you mate. then why in the galaxy would you agree?

    But I'm glad you guys don't have kids. It gets harder from there. I suggest you break it up with him and get married to someone you can trust, someone who gives you time, and someone that you AND your parents agree too.

    I'm just gonna pray when I get married, I hope I have all my guts come together to be able to say no to my parents if I don't want to get married to someone. I don't know how hard that it, but definitely not worth letting your life go down the drain.

  5. Assalaamualaykum Ar-Rahman,

    I'm sorry to hear that you are depressed and struggling in your marriage. That is a very tough situation but Inshallah you will become stronger through this.

    It takes a very strong woman to say "No" to her father when he is angry and yelling at her. A father is one of the closest relationships given to us by Allah, and we would do anything not to disrupt it. I feel like when you initially went to your father about your concerns, he did not act Islamically. He got angry, yelled at you, and said negative things about you to his sister and her family. That is a very immature and hurtful way to have handled your revelations to him. It borders on emotional abuse.

    I do not want you to feel alone so I will share something with you. I, too, have one of these kind of fathers. The kind who, every time you express your need, mock at you and get angry every time you voice your opinion. In a weak person, it is enough to stifle your voice forever...however, with practice voicing your opinions rather than just "going along" with things, it will get easier. You will see that, regardless of your dad being angry, he will cool down and get more rational because he still loves you as his daughter. It is akin to a small temper-tantrum, which, while immature, will eventually subside.

    Do not blame yourself for not having the courage to speak up earlier. It happened the way it did for a reason. Allah wants to make you stronger, more self-assured going forward in life.

    I think that you should tell your father that you want to get a divorce...that this boy was his choice and not yours. That you will never be happy with him. Inshallah he will help you, even if he is peeved for a time. Do not feel like you are stuck in a loveless marriage, because Islam gives you rights which are not being met.

    Inshallah you will be more aware of these kinds of things in the future, and will find someone compatible for yourself when the time is right,

    Hugs,

    Nor

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