I feel abandoned by my husband
Husband has returned to his country and stopped calling
Question:
I am married to a Muslim man, and I am a convert with children not belonging to my current husband.
I had been supporting us throughout our marriage because I wanted him to get an education here in the US first to better take care of our family. He now has a 2yr degree and was continuing on when we separated.
We had some problems and we separated for a while. He came home at one point but I asked him to find us a home and then send for us. He needed to find a job to do this which he agreed, but he decided to go to his country first and visit his parents and siblings there and gather himself, then would return and find a job and a home for us.
When he first left he kept in touch regularly, but he has been gone now 5 months and I have not heard from him in weeks. He does not even answer emails or any of my calls. In the last contact he sent to tell me that he was robbed and did not have phone but would return home eventually; he will let me know. I find this unacceptable behavior, although I did tell him to stay as long as he felt the need, but I did not expect this at all, I love him very much, and have been emailing him to tell him to come home and we will work things out but I feel abandoned, because I have absolutely no response from him, what can I do? My family says to divorce him, while some others say to wait and just move on with myself.
- Lily
Wael's Answer:
Dear Sister Lily, As-salamu alaykum wa Rahmatullah,
It's impossible for me to know what's going on here without more information about your husband. Was he a loving husband? Did he love your children? What were the nature of the problems you had before you separated? Without this information, I'm really just guessing as to his motivations.
So instead of trying to figure out his intentions, I'll just look at the facts as you have given them and try to draw some conclusions.
- You say you feel abandoned by your husband. Well, yes, you have been abandoned. That is clear.
- You say you find his behavior unacceptable. Yes, it is unacceptable.
- You supported him for two years while he got an education, and you had problems in the marriage during that time, so much so that the two of you separated.
- He decided to go back to his country and you (for reasons I don't understand) told him to stay as long as he needs.
- He's been gone five months and has cut off communication.
Sister, this man is gone. He is not returning to you, and he is a coward for not telling you this directly. Perhaps he feels some shame over his behavior and cannot face you, or maybe he's just avoiding an uncomfortable situation. In any case, the marriage is over.
I don't know whether he sincerely loved you during the time you were together, or whether he was just using you. Maybe he found the marriage to be convenient and helpful; once you began demanding that he get a job and support you, it was not longer convenient.
I don't understand what you mean when you say, "He came home at one point but I asked him to find us a home and then send for us." That doesn't make sense to me. He came home, then you told him to go find some other home?
I also don't understand why, when he left for his country, you told him to stay as long as he needs. A marriage is a partnership in which each party has rights and duties; each person needs to know what is expected and to adhere to those expectations. Telling him to stay as long as he needs is almost like telling him that you don't really care when or whether he returns. If he had gone overseas to work or study that would be one thing. But if he just went for a visit, then why would he need to stay for an extended period?
In any case, the marriage was poorly constructed and problematic from the beginning. Now it is clearly over and what is required is to legalize the matter so you can move on with your life. I suggest that you send him an email (he may be receiving your emails even if he does not reply) and ask him for a declaration of divorce. Also, if you don't have a phone number for him then try calling his family and tell them that you want a divorce from him.
And Allah knows best.
If any readers have some additional advice for this questioner, I invite you to post your comments below.
(O Allah), Guide us to the straight path; The path of those whom you have favored; Not those with whom you are angry; Nor those who go astray.
Best regards,
- Wael Abdelgawad
IslamicAnswers.com Marriage Advice
Zawaj.com Muslim Matrimonial Service
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Salaam Alaykum,
Dear Wael,
Thank you for your advice, although it was not at all what I wanted to hear, but like they say the truth hurts...I own my home and I live with my children and my mother who is retired, She lived here with me before I married and my husband knew this when we first married, we were going to move out and get a home just for us and my two youngest, as my oldest is 23 and a full time college student. Since my husband had no job at first and the jobs that he qualified for were not adequate for supporting a family in my opinion, I talked my husband into getting and education here, so we decided to stay in my home which is very small and tough it out until he finished school. We had problems because he started disliking my mother coming and going she is retired and sometimes goes to visit my other siblings who all live in different states and she leaves for several months at a time, then returns for a few months and so on. He also does not like my oldest living at home at his age.
We fight a lot over my family. It got to the point where he was very mean to me and said things like I am not what he wants in a wife, when we would fight I would tell him to leave if he did not like things and after hearing it enough he did leave, I begged him not to go, but he went anyway, he got out of the state and called me crying he was sorry and wrong and wanted to come home I told him we needed time to think and get counseling he agreed, he said he would do whatever it takes because he loved me so much and he called me everyday. He returned for a month while my family was gone on vacation and we spent time alone and it was nice, he did not want to leave but I told him he needed to provide for us and we needed a home of our own, my home is my mothers and I will never tell her to leave although this is what he wants me to do I can not tell my mom to leave.
My husband was to go to NY where he came from and find a job and a home then come for me and my two youngest but he decided to go to his country to and sell a home he owns, to help pay for his sisters wedding and help pay for his college expenses. I told him to stay because he said it felt nice being home and that he had felt like he had no home and I can understand this after all we had been through and me telling him to leave, so I told him to stay as long as he needed to sell the home and come back and we would work things out, you are right when you say our marriage was poorly constructed and very problematic from the beginning, I did not know what it was like to have a man not beat me or severely abuse me which is all I have ever known, this man treated me better than anyone ever has yet he did not treat me well either, I have always been a very strong and independent woman not by choice but out of necessity. I found it hard when he told me I could not speak to family members or did not allow me to go places or do things, I guess I am not what he needs although I wish with all my heart I was.
I do not want a divorce, I love him very much, but I see now so many things wrong, now that he is not here, like for example, I was not allowed to speak to his brothers, then when I complained about it he allowed me to but now his brothers who used to love talking to me blow me off. I have no way of contacting anyone in his family here in U.S. or in his country other than writing by email or through regular mail ... what kind of man does this ... not one who love you and wants their marriage to work... I am so heart broken ... I feel so devastated... and ashamed that I married a man who would do this to me, or that my husband felt it OK to do this to me... I do feel really used... and yet I still do not want a divorce, I wanted my marriage to last, will this be a sin against me now if I divorce him? I know it will come to this I know he will not divorce me, he always told me so...if I wanted the divorce I would have to get it...
In the name if Allah the most Merciful the Bestower of Mercy
Asalamu alaikum warahmatulahi wabarakatu Lily,
Firstly, I want to advice our brothers and sisters to be careful of giving advice without knowledge, especially if we're saying "you should divorce". Barakallhufeek to our brothers and sisters who encouraged us to be patient and ask Allah's help and patience. I just came across your situation looking for a picture of a payphone on the internet and I was surprised to find out that it was an Islamic site, I hope that you're situation has worked out after these few years, I hope that Allah will guide us all to what is best in this life and the hereafter, and that he will grant us knowledge that we will act upon and that he gives us patience upon having patience, ameen. Here is a link to a very good Islamic class on the internet maybe you will find it to be of benefit to you, and If you're still going through this situation the brothers will be more than happy to direct you to the people of knowledge to answer your question. Go here and sign up it's Free and they have classes every Saturday at either 1pm or 3pm http://www.wiziq.com/islam
Asalamu alaikum warahmatulahi wabarakatu =)
a wife has rights if the man aint giving her rights then it is permissabe to seek divorce, you dont need the drama, im sure there plenty of guys out their who will take care of you. so i advise you to divorce him.
Hi lily, its true dat ur husband abandoned u. However, before dissolving ur marriage, i advice dat u shld pls wait a little nd try get contact wit ur husband. There may be alot of reasons 4 his silence one of which may be financial or something dat has 2 do wit his family. Since u love ur guy, take things easy as haste is from satan. Lastly u shld visit an islamic court before divourse.Wishin u d best
dear lily,,
all i can say is ask Allah to guide you and give you wisdom and guide you...ask Allah for you to bear all the trials that came and will come... increase your faith...and inshaaalah everything will be alright...