Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I feel backed into a walI I’m thinking about suicide.

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"O mankind! We created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that ye may know each other (not that ye may despise (each other). Verily the most honoured of you in the sight of God is (he who is) the most righteous of you. And God has full knowledge and is well acquainted (with all things)." 49:13.

Salams,

Quick background, I'm a 20 year old young muslim man. My family is religious and i've grown up religious. I love god and hold true to my beliefs, and I want to do the right thing by it and have done my best to all my life.  I am a student studying medicine. I recently about 4 or 5 months ago had to work with a muslim girl on a racial ethnicity project. This girl is really good, she's religious, a great person, and from an awesome family.

Furthermore, I have no idea how i just know she's the one for me. I absolutely want to get engaged with her. She's also arabic and i am as well she's syrian I'm palestinian in origin both grew up American. Mind you I have never had a girlfriend, I have never flirted or hung out with girls because its incorrect in our religion. I talk to this girl periodically now with every intention on both sides of engagement. I say intention, because my family is being very very difficult.

My father and mother had their own view of how they wanted me to get married. They wanted me to marry someone palestinian etc etc. My father when I told him of this girl from the very beginning disregarded me completely and later when I tried to tell him, he seriously yelled at me and was very harsh. However, recently has given in spoken to me and because some influentiable women in our community spoke to my mother telling them its wrong islamically to stand in his way.

My mother who is super religious, when I approached her about the issue went as far as to swear at me telling me I'm garbage and dirt and how she raised me to be a beacon of light for islam but because I want this i guess I'm no longer. How was I supposed to go back to palestine and serve my country there by being a doctor there. Its very bitter from them and to be honest the girl there is nothing wrong with her she's muslim a very sweet person and very very well loved.

Anyone asks about her will only say the best. Its funny because those ladies my mother called angry at the girl I guess she assumed this girl as an evil person how could she put her son under her love spell lol. The funny thing is those ladies told her 'oh my god, her'? If my son was yours I would go ask for her hand right away she is such a great person so well loved and good and if she was my daughter I would tell her to marry your son.

My father now is at the point where he will let me get engaged however my mother won't talk to me. Furthermore, I remain with the problem of having a girl I know I love/have feelings for and the reciprocal from her in my life because I see her in college and we are part of the same organizations.

My parents difficulty is putting me in a bad place I simply won't lose this girl. I cannot be told not to talk to her because I am in love with her. Inevitably talking hanging out will happen.  Say don't do it all you want it will absolutely end up happening if we're realistic. Again we are both 20 years old.

What do you think I should do? How can I solve this? It will be difficult approaching a girls family without my parents. I need both of them and want my mother to be part, not just my dad. And I want to please them. I dont want them not to be part of this. I feel like its my right to get engaged to her. My parents are unjust and wrong, and furthermore I feel they're putting me on the edge of haram =( with the ability to pull me up but their own bitterness won't let them.

-Ahmed

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8 Responses »

  1. Salam Ahmed,

    I am so sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time with your parents over this. There is no need for your mother to call you trash or dirt because you simply want to marry a girl who is not Palestinian! Isn't the fact that she is a Muslim girl from a good family the important thing? This is the problem with Muslims, especially Arabs...I know, I am married to one. I have an amazing 22 year old daughter with a Saudi father. It wouldn't matter what Muslim man came to ask for her hand in marriage or how wonderful a person he is, if he is not Saudi...it isn't going to happen. How beyond stupid is that? Do you know Ahmed how many women stay unmarried due to the acts of their parents and their foolish unIslamic behavior? Too many to count! It is ironic how Muslims will tell you that the Quran is a book for all times yet it is the Muslims themselves who cannot even follow the teachings contained within the very pages of our holy book? Should it really matter where your wife to be is from if she is a God fearing Muslimah and someone of culture and good character? The women are telling your mother what a wonderful girl she is...does that not count for something?

    First of all as a mother myself, my advice to you is the following: Ahmed, believe it or not...you are too young to marry. I know that is not what you want to hear but I am the mother of six and I honestly feel I know what I am talking about here. My son married at 21, it didn't last a year. His wife was too immature to take care of her duties as a wife should and my son was immature just as well. Should they have waited a year or so, they may have had a chance but they didn't want to listen to anyone. Shame for both of them.

    I am not saying here don't marry her...not at all. What I am saying is, what is the rush? You are young...too young in my book but, that is just my humble opinion. I married very young and it is just my view that there is no need to rush things. At 20, years old I would Imagine you are working on your bachelor's degree...yes? At least if you are in school, finish your bachelors degree before considering marriage.

    Since your parents aren't behaving in a manner that you would like to see, you be the bigger person here. I can imagine you are full of mixed emotions right about now. You are angry, upset, hurt and well...just didn't expect your parents to behave in such a manner. Be calm and collect your thoughts. Give things a little time and let your mother calm down from her anger. In time she herself may see how unreasonable she is being. Maybe she has her own ideas about what she wants in a wife for you. Stand your ground yet be respectful to your parents.

    Oh, and by the way...Suicide...not good. Suicide is not the answer to your dilemma and you already know it is haram. Think for a moment about the ones you love and how they would feel not having you in their lives. Think for a moment about this girl you want to marry and what you would do to her should you do such a thing! Relax, take a moment to breathe and go get the best book that exists today...the Quran. You will be surprised at how reading the Quran can calm you and bring you peace within yourself. You said this girl is awesome well...I believe you are awesome too and I think with patience from all those within your family, in time you all can work on this together.

    Remember, Rome was not built in a day. Your mother has her own ideas going on here...know she loves you no matter what and when things calm down a bit, ask your mother if she would entertain the idea of meeting this girl you like. She might be surprised and find she really likes this young girl. No matter what, don't give up, stay strong and don't lose focus here.

    May Allah guide you and lift your heavy heart right now, I am sure you are hurting and believe it or not...don't think for a moment your mother has not gone to bed crying for the words she has spoken to you...I am certain she has. She just does not know how to deal with this. Give things time and Inshallah all things will work themselves out.

    Salam

    • I wish you were my mum! You give very sound advice...

      • Salam Sabina,

        Thank you for your kind words. It just breaks my heart when I see things like this. Left and right we push our daughters into marriages without considering them...their feelings, what it is they want in a husband and so forth. I have seen it happen time and time again. Here we have a brother who has found a pious Muslim girl who rocks his world so to speak and yet, just because she is not from a certain country...she is not good enough. Unbelievable. Can you even imagine if our beloved prophet Mohammed (may God's blessings and peace be upon him) could see how the Muslims have become? How a simple God fearing Muslimah is found not to be good enough to marry because of what country of birth she is from?! Is this Islam? I think not.

        The sad truth is, what is happening to Ahmed happens every day in Muslim families the world over. If as a parent we are going to raise our children, educate them and want the best for them...should we not want the best spouse for them and someone who makes them happy? I for one hope Ahmed doesn't give up and I pray for him that his mother will take a moment to reflect within herself and consider what is most important here. Should her son's happiness come at the cost of losing a girl that he want's as a wife? A girl that even the local women speak fondly of? Such a shame really.

        Salam and again, thank you for your kinds words.

        • Salaam Najah,

          I know exactly what Ahmed is going through as I myself have been battling with my dad for his blessing to marry my boyfriend. This is why I wish you were my mum - as I was reading the above post, I had an image of a motherly figure talking sense to their own child. My own mum is too sick to afford me this priviledge and I'm terrified that in mine and my fathers battle to seek what we believe is our right, we're slowly signing my mum's death warrant 🙁

          Life seems so cruel. I feel like I'm being punished but I have no idea what for. I know Allah tests those he loves, and my advice to Brother Ahmed is to hang on in there. No mother will deny their child their happiness. That's just the way mums works 🙂 Inshallah, your mum will come round some day soon. However, your 20 and this is far too young for marriage. I too am a doctor and I too met the guy I now want to marry when I was in my second year at Uni but we agreed that the most sensible thing was to concentrate on our respective careers and be rock-solid financially, before walking into marriage.

          All the best Ahmed. Only Allah knows what He has planned for you. Inshallah you'll get your hearts desire - you just need to jump through a few hoops first!!

          • Salam Sabina,

            Chances are, you wouldn't like me very much if I were your mum. I love my girls to the moon and back but a boyfriend? Not happening. The only man that my girls will see and spend time with (in my home, under my watch), will be someone coming to ask for their hand in marriage.

            I am not going to tell you that it is haram to have a boyfriend in Islam, you already know that. The reality is that with a boyfriend things are likely to heat up and things can and will happen. As a young woman...Muslim at that, that is something you want to stay away from.

            If you have a moment, just surf this website and see story after story about young girls falling in love with someone only to be used and tossed to the side of the road when they are done. Your parents never want you to be one of those girls. There are so many incidents where girls have gotten pregnant only to be left to deal with things on their own. Your parents love you and never want that for you.

            One thing to always remember here is, your parents are always going to have your back unlike a boyfriend or a lover. No matter what, when things are down, it is your parents that will pick you up when you fall on your face. They just want the very best for you, that is something that no matter what...you must never forget.

            Take a moment to think about your life...where you are and where you are going. Life passes by so quickly you can't even imagine it. Listen to your parents, we are often right. We know you can't stand us more often than not but...we love you more than you will ever know and are just trying our best to get you where it is you need to be and in a good way.

            Salam

  2. Wasalam brother el-sharif,
    Sorry to hear about your problems with your family. Unfortunately, it's too prevalent in our society no matter where we live and where we come from. I agree with what sister Najah said. You should think clearly with not only heart but with your brain too. You are too young and I can tell you that you are carried by emotions for the most part of all this; this is not to say that your feelings toward this sister are not real or you don't love her and see her as a potential future wife. Although, the reasons your mother is rejecting you is not from Islam as Islam came to abolish all the divisions, be it on the basis of colour, caste, ethnicity etc etc but I would at least agree with her about what she said about your education. She definitely has no right to degrade you as you have done nothing wrong, instead she should appreciate you that you are not like those boys and girls who commit sins behind their parent's back. So, she should look at the positive side that you didn't do anything wrong to earn Allah (swt) wrath and anger but you did the noblest thing by protecting and honouring your parents by openly requesting them to consider this girl.
    As sister Najah speaks here as a mother who has seen things in her own family with her son being divorced after 1 year of marriage. I would say that you are young and still not settled enough to support a family. Islam by all means encourages early marriages to prevent the fitnah, immodesty, immorality (which is vastly prevalent today) BUT at the same time their is a big responsibility as well. How do you see your role as a father and husband given your current circumstances? Can you support your family financially, provide them with food, shelter and clothing and guide them to become the best of Muslims in their lives? Besides, what about your own study? It's not a fairly tale relationship; not even remotely like the one we see in the West (girlfriend/boyfriend stuff); where they are not bound by any law.
    So, please think with your head and heart both to decide what you want? Oh and another thing which you didn't mention is what does the girl or her parents say? Are they willing to marry her to you even when they see that you have not finished your school/college? Do they not have any bias against you for not being Syrian? So, please take a step back, calm yourself down and think logically and realistically. Try to convince your parents in the mean time and if they agree then perform a Nikkah for the time being and move in together now or later (depends what you both and your respective families agree to).
    Suicide definitely isn't the answer to your problem, this life is not ours and is trusted to us by Allah (swt). By suicide we kind of mean that their is no way out, no hope or no one to help us, which goes against our teaching of Islam. Also, break all the contacts with this sister and tell her that what we are doing is not right (even if it is just talking); we should work hard to finish our studies and convince our parents in the mean time to agree to our marriage. I hope this will help you iA and write back and let us know if you need further advice/help.

    May Allah (swt) help our Ummah to rise above all the prejudice, discrimination on the basis of caste, color, ethnicity etc etc. (Amin).

    Wasalam,
    Muhammad1982.

    Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

  3. brother, if your mother was someone who understood the religion of Allaah, she would not abuse you for wanting to marry a muslimah on the bases of palestinianism.

    make dua for your parents that Allaah opens their hearts.

  4. I was by mistake here and I saw a lot of nice topics and comments about our brother I say the eya (وَلاَ تَقْتُلُواْ أَنفُسَكُمْ إًنَّ اللّهَ كَانَ بًكُمْ رَحًيماً) and you ll not get as a wife only who is for you but then if you keep on also asking allah, allah may accept your douaa but advice never mention a name of special person to marry him/her because salate will be batila one more thing I saw a lot of sisters here saying that is difficult to find a husband then I will say it s harder to find a wife you know what I m Tunisian working in UAE with good salary I practice all prayers in the masjid as possible as I can I need only one wife that I want to go inside jannah with her in the same time hand in hand my subject in life is jannah and what ever satisfy allah I m a good looking but till now I m single and evyry girl I try to contact I find out she s after a reckless playful boy totally opposite of me

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