Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I feel guilty following my mother’s death

death240211

Al-Mawt (Death)

aoa, my name is [removed for privacy] and by profession I am teacher and belong to gujrat, Pakistan.

From last one year I am in deep trouble, now I will tell you my whole problem.

Last year my mother... my mother died. Since then I am in great sin feeling.

Last year my mother fell down and her hipbone fractured. she came to bed [Editor's note: bedridden] and even can't go to wash room. Me and my father take care of her, we use pamper for her and most of the time I used to clean her and I put her pamper two times.

I tried to take care of her, I was doing phd in Islamabad but I came to her to take care of her and want that when she will be better than I will again join the phd, she was cardiac [Editor's note: heart] patient and also the severe patient of depression.

She had no interest in life even she did not want to take meals, me and my father always forced her to come back to life but she not co-operate with us. Some times I had to show aggression to her so that she take interest in things, some times I talked hard to her and some times I shouted at her so that she will take some interest in life ... but some times I cant guess that what problem she have as she had not told me clearly that what is happening to her. Some times I completely lost hope when she would not co-operate with us. I am now too much repenting that I show aggression to her, due to this I have too much feeling that I did bad with my mother and I am sinner.

The day at which my mother died, I have very bad feelings, I will tell u in detail.
23rd may 2013.

At 3pm my mother's breathing started to be broken. Initially I couldn't understand what was happening. I took to hospital, her treatment started, I was standing with her bed and was praying that she will become fine, I have no feeling that she will die today and I was confirmed that she will be fine. Nurse asked me to go out as they want to do ecg of mother, I came out and praying that mother will get fine, after few minutes dr called me and said me that your mother is dying and there is no chance that she will survive.

As I heard that, I started to weep, I have a very strange feeling, my feeling is that it is good that mother is dying, she was so ill that today or tomorrow she has to die, the grief which I have to bear tomorrow I will bear today, than I also think that now I am free from the care of mother, now I will do my other things.

After hearing that my overall feeling was that I was happy that mother is dying and after hearing that, I wanted that mother will die, so that I would be free from her care. All this feeling developed in me when dr told me , there is no chance that your mother will survive. I came out of the ward and sit in hospital hall, still while sitting there I did not pray for mother that she will survive, but I wanted that mother will die.

Dr called me and told me that your mother has died, which I was wishing and in my mind it is coming that it is good that your mother is died, now u are free from each and every thing and u will live the life easily. These all feelings were coming into my mind and I was weeping and weeping and thinking in that way.

Until I buried my mother I remained in that state and different types of feeling coming into my mind and I was weeping too much. After burying of my mother I came into my senses and I feel that I lose a very big thing which has no compensation and feel that I am too much mean that I wanted that my mother will die.

I feel very bad and due to these feelings I often think to do suicide because I feel that I am so mean that I have no right to live alive - who want that their mother will die, all the times these thinkings came into my mind and I went into deep depression that how I can think like that for my mother whom I loved too much and for her I can give my life. I daily went to her grave for fatheih and forgiveness of the sin which I did, I have too much repeantness and since the death of my mother I remained unable to do any thing.

My whole life is destroyed, I cant live with these feelings, I feel that god and my mother will never forgive me, kindly guide me what I will do, I am finshing, I will wait for reply.

Sir one thing I again want to mention that all that feeling developed in me after hearing from doctor that there is no chance that my mother will survive before that I never think for my mother death and always pray that she will get long age.

Now I also feel that I am so bad person that if my mother alive, I don’t know what I will do with her if she alive as I can think any bad thing, I have left no trust on me, I feel that I can do any bad thing, now I think most of the time that as I have to take care of my mother, so to get rid of her, these thoughts came into mind, now this thought also came into mind that I feel my mother a burden on me so I think I like that, but when she was alive I thought that I am taking very good care of her but now I feel that I did very bad with her.

Kindly help, I am finishing. I also feel that how much mean I am that I want that my mother will die so that I will get rid of her care, these thoughts are finishing me. I am very big sinful person and I don’t know my mother and god will forgive me or not.

These thoughts make me badly depressed, I feel that my intentions were not good towards my mother, now I think that I felt the burden of my mother on me because I took care of her so I wanted that she will die. I am badly depressed due to these thoughts. I think all this feeling developed in me because I want to get rid from the care of mother so I wanted that she will die, this thought pinch me too much and some times I want to die and do suicide.

I want that I can give kaffra of all that bad thinking and of my bad attitude towards my mother, I want my mother and allah forgive me, I think now that I did not love my mother and felt her as a burden on me so these feelings came into my mind when she was dying, but when she was alive I always felt that I love her and taking great care of her.

But now in my opinion I am very bad son , I did not take good care of my mother, but now I am too much repented and my mother is gone and I cannot take her back and do her care and ask her to forgive what I did with her. Time is gone when I realized that I did bad with her, kindly guide me what I will do. Most of time I feel that soon god will give me very big punishment yet god give me time and this time will finish any time as I am very big sinner.

Sir, I lose confidence in myself, sometimes i feel that god and prayers of my mother are not with me, i feel that how can god help a bad person like me who wished that their mother should die so that he got rid of that care and want to live easy life. Some times i feel that my soul is not there, that it was gone at that day when my mother was died, only my body is there.

Whenever i tried to do some good thing, it came into my mind - no use, u are very big sinner. i feel that i am very big sinner and all other people are much better than me because they love their mothers, i have no confidence on me, most of the time i think about death and always justifying in my mind that how i think that my mother should die. due to ur mail , i feel little relaxed. some times i got little better but some times these thoughts came into my mind so much that i remain unable to do any thing,

Sir my father is still with me, and I am married since 7 years but i have no child. Sir, most of the time the events of the death day of my mother revolve around my eyes, i always feel that i was not good to my mother. Some times i think that i did not love my mother but i am afraid of god that he punish the people who not do good with their parents , so due to this fear i am always remembering my mother and think that i have not take good care of her otherwise i have no love for her.

I am frightened from god, these feelings i have most of the time, now i feel that every thing which i done in past is wrong and i was totally wrong. most of my time spent in thinking that how these thoughts came into my mind that mother should die and always try to justify myself that these are not my thoughts but than i cant beleive that these are not my thoughts.

sjamalanwar

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16 Responses »

  1. Asalamu alailum,

    What you did was wrong but what can you do now? Repent, ask Allah(swt) to have mercy on you and your mom. Ask Allah(swt) to save her from the torment of the grave and hell fire. Give charity on behalf of your mother etc.

    suicide is not a solution. As long you still have life in you, you still can do right. The door to repentance is still open, pray and ask Allah(swt) for mercy and forgiveness.

    peace..

  2. Assalaamualaikam

    I'm so sorry for your loss. May Allah grant your mother peace, and reward her in the aakhirah for the tests she endured in this life.

    I think the first thing I want to say to you is this: It was not your fault that your mother died. You and your family worked hard to care for her and make her last days bearable for her. So do not blame yourself for your mother's death - when a soul's appointed time comes to leave this life, there is nothing anyone can do to prevent this.

    The thoughts you had about your mother dying are clearly distressing for you, but are more common than people might think. People struggle to talk about having such thoughts, though, so keep them hidden - which means that others do not realise that having such thoughts is not unusual. Sometimes, death is not unwelcomed, by the individual or by their family - after watching someone you love suffer and fade away slowly in front of you, the prospect of an end to their ordeal can be felt as a relief. This does not make you a bad person and it doesn't mean that you do not love the person who dies.

    You and your family sacrificed and worked hard to care for your mother, and that love and kindness will have meant so much to her. You won't always have got it right, and when you look back at those times you will probably think of many things you would have done differently, but what your mother will have appreciated the most is that you all tried and you all stayed by her side during her final tests in this life. She would be so proud of you all.

    From what you've written, I think it would be helpful for you to have someone professional to talk to about what you have been going through - if you speak to your family doctor, they should inshaAllah be able to give you details of local support groups or counsellors for people who have lost a loved one.

    Suicide is never the answer to our tests, so resolve that you won't resort to this. Instead, remember that, if you keep trying to live a good Islamic life and love Allah for His own sake, then when the Day of Judgement comes, inshaAllah you will be reunited with your mother in Jannat.

    Having read your account, I personally think that you have been a good son, and that your mother would have been very proud of you. I pray that Allah grants you and your family peace and comfort, and that you can find solace in the memories of you and your mother in happier times.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • Brother, I understand your pain. Hope you are better now. You tried and thats what matters. Pray for her.

      I lost my dear Mom this August- it was lung cancer. It was diagnosed at the last stage. We only got about 40 days. It was diagnosed on 29 june and she passed away on 5 aug. We tried - took her to the best hospital etc. But couldn’t do anything. I feel guilty thinking we should have taken her to Singapore or London for better treatment. I feel guilty for so many things- sometimes speaking rudely to her - not spending enough time with her. I am just trying to find peace. My sweet lovely mother. My Dad and I are devasted. Our lives have changed completely.
      I pray for her, say Rabbir Ham huma... recite yasin etc. What else can i do to find peace and make her happy? Will i meet her again after i die? I just wish I could have my old life back- sleep in my Mom’s arms, and be a good daughter. I miss her so much.

      M

  3. You did a lot for your sick mother.You took her to the hospital. You tried your best to keep her alive Cleaning some one bedridden is a very difficult thing. Some time you became aggressive to make her feel better. Your intention was not bad for whatever you did. You need to get out of your depression. You did not sin. Go help older people some where who need help.

    When people get very sick, their families wish God will take them away to heaven.

    Your mother has lost her will to live. I am sure your mother in heaven wants to see you happy and enjpying life.

  4. and I am married since 7 years but i have no child.

    Now a days doctors have advanced techniques to help women who have hard time getting pregnant.

  5. Brother, you did what you could and in your heart you know you tried.
    Think of it this way, your mother was in pain and death released her from it. She is in a better place now in sha Allah.

    Salam and peace.

  6. First of all you should recite ............RABER HUM HUMA KAMA RABYAHI SAGHEERA all the time you will feel better in few days

    The reaction of what Dr. Said and you became happy is due to sudden chemical changes in body and higher level dophamine ........you became happy

    Allah had to take only her away from this world had to keep you guys alive so ALLAH SWT created such a system to make ready for all circumstances. You can't see any ezyematic or chemical changes

    When Allah created this world Angels questiones then world will fill with human beings .......Allah SWT told them I will introduce death ...........then angel questioned how human will take interest in life...........Allah SWT replied you don't know what I know

    Nothing wrong with your behaviour brother. You did help her last moment . Allah made such a system to make you ready for all circumstances

    Keep Blessed

    Zubair

  7. Assalamu alaikum bro. I came upon this page as I was also feeling unusually guilty towards my parents and how I have treated them my life. so I searched Google and reached this page.

    I'm not going to spurt out religious things because others have covered that pretty well. but I've made some observations in your situation which may help you and your guilty feelings. These observations are:

    1. Shaitaan is trying reeeeallly hard to get you to hell. Sorry it sounds bad but let me explain. bro I'm not trying to make you feel worse but just want to give you another perspective so that you can win. So, shaitaan made you act aggressively towards your mother. He put deceiving thoughts while she was passing away. He even remained in your head after she passed away. only when did you bury her did he leave and then your real self came to senses and you realized you shouldn't have thought that way. This is SO MUCH LIKE SHAITAAN! Shaitaan himself says he'll deceive you - he'll *whisper* into your head thoughts which you'll agree with but then once he leaves you realize 'nuh uh that was so wrong how did I not realize how wrong I was earlier?' . I personally feel this every time I'm angry with my parents or when I do sth wrong (like jack off to porn. sorry for being frank). Whenever shaitaan leaves that's when I realize that damn I was wrong, and Shaitaan was controlling my thoughts.

    So this is one reason why I feel he was messing with your head and clearly trying to DECEIVE you with impire thoughts

  8. Continuing from my last post...

    2. this next observation is how I felt that Shaitaan was clearly trying to get you to hell. Ok, so we did something terrible... what now? lets say an average Muslim would feel guilty and repent and inshaAllah he's forgiven. But no Wait! Shaitan doesn't want this for you, he wants you to suffer more. So not only does he make you bask in even more guilty thoughts, but he even makes you consider committing suicide! bro, if you do that shaitaans won and you've got a one way ticket to hell! its success for him!

    3. observation 3: to top all of this off shaitaan does the one thing which Allah Swt asked us not to: think that Allah SWT will not forgive our sins. Bro, people can murder their families (Allah swt forbid) and still be forgiven by Allah Swt!!! I swear to Allah SWT this is true! Prove me wrong if anyone can, but Allah SWT forgives ANY sin if we repent.

    so to summarize, the devil has played a huge game with you by 1. making you misbehave with your mother (all respects to her and may she rest in peace). 2. make u feel guilty and continue feeling guilty till you commit suicide and 3. think that you will not be forgiven.

    So what can you do? Here's what you can do!...

  9. What you can do is defeat shaitian, and not only get blessings for yourself but for your mother and also.your father!!! You all win (obviously shaitan won't, so he's not gonna like what I'm gonna write next)

    What to do:
    1. good news, there's a sahih bukhari hadith that says that Allah Swt ignores and forgives whatever random thoughts come into our head as long as we don't act on it! So say, I suddenly think that ok, imma slap my brother and break his arm or worse... kill him! Terrifying thoughts huh? well as long as they're just thoughts I won't be judged on them. I'll link the hadith in my next post. so there you go that must be a load of relief to you! that's a start right?

    2. believe that Allah SWT will have mercy on you. He will forgive you. Pls Google "Allah forgives all sins, nouman Ali khan". pls watch Nouman Ali khans videos on this related subject: He's good because he's funny sometimes and its easier for many of us to relate to his way of talking . Read any articles and watch short YouTube clips by other lecturers till you realize that Allah SWT does forgive any sin.

    2. Watch "being the best to our parents by nouman Ali khan" in YouTube. short summary, no one but only Allah SWT can repay our parents debt. So keep praying that he repays the debt to your mother and your father.

    3. If you've sincerely prayed for your parents and continue to be dutiful to your father, you will bring peace to your mother in her grave, to your father while he's alive and when he passes away, and to yourself as you will get Paradise inshallah.

    4. Shaitaan will try to make you lazy, inattentive and back to your old self. He will try to ignore my advise to you. don't listen to him. don't stop following the above steps midway. Shaitaan will want you to stop during any one of these steps and then not go to heaven. So don't fail! please, this is my request to you from a brother who's in a similar situation!!!! Do it for Allah swt and do it for your mother and father

    So can you see the difference? there *IS* a way for you, your mother, and your father to still benefit from this situation, and meet again in heaven. Your mother's punishment (if any) can still be stopped by your dua. But what is shaitan whispering to you now? to feel super-duper guilty when you dont have to, commit suicide, and as a result not only do you go to hell but also neither your mother or father get your extra prayers!

    So, in short, yes, Allah Swt can forgive all of you, FULLY repay your mother and father's due, and arrange a home for you to live together in heaven. Hope I've inspired you with the truth. Pls keep us posted on your updates

  10. Hadith I said I would post regarding ignoring the whispers is in this link. scroll to the answers.

    http://islam.stackexchange.com/questions/9106/wasawis-i-get-bad-thoughts-all-the-time

    Also, pls watch YouTube videos of Nouman Ali Khan if you're down and feeling extra guilty. it has helped.me tremendously with my hope in Allah SWT and faith (not spreading propaganda here, just being an honest fellow)

  11. I dont understand how everyone is finding this normal, i came across this page because i started thinking about my mum and researched few things about losing your mother, i actually dont know what i would do if my mother died before me & im not saying ive been the best to my mum but only Allah knows how dearly i love her and then you have some people like you ACTUALLY wishing for her to die subhanAllah. Thats your mother she raised you, you think she ever wished for you to die while waking up to feed you at night? You should really be ashamed of yourself and repent to Allah for having such evil thoughts and hopefully your mother can forgive you. I also do want to mention the shaytaan obviously was part if it too but still that doesnt mean you couldnt shake it off, say stagfurAllah go read quran & pray. No instead you went along with it. All you can now do for her is pray for her as much as you can & I do hope your mother and all the other muslims that have died to be granted heaven, Ameen.

    • Sara, Your comment is unkind and shows a lack of understanding of what people go through in situations like this. You should read midnightmoon's comment. She's a doctor and is familiar with these types of situations. As she said, feelings like this young man had are common. He took care of his mother, and that's what counts. You should pray that you're never in a situation where you have to change your mother's diapers and force her to eat, as this young man did. Until then, reserve your judgment of his private thoughts and feelings.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  12. It's fine. Your obligations to your mother are still not over in Islam even if she is dead 1. Keep praying for her. 2. Give charity on her behalf 3. Pay any debts she might owe 4. Do sadqah jariah on her behalf (water cooler etc). 5 Keep going on her grave quite frequently remember her, cry on her grave say sorry to her and God , as door to repentance are always open as long as you are alive... InshaAllah God will forgive you and do blessings and your mother loves you she is not angry and will embrace you .. go to her grave remember her cry sitting by her grave, do plantation on her grave, read quran on her behalf , you are sadqah jariah yourself to your mom if you keep praying for her rabb irham huma kama rabbayani saghera. Your mom always loves you and her soul will not leave you alone. Allah Subhana Ta'ala will forgive you InshaAllah. Allah will do best for you as Him Almighty never leaves his good people alone. It's good that you are repenting & doors of forgiveness are always open and Allah Almighty has left room for you to still serve your mom even if she is no more. Allah Almighty loves you and loves you 70 times the love of your mom. Doors of repentance and forgiveness are always open for you. You are your mom's dear...

  13. As salaam alaikum,

    I really appreciate your hard work towards your ill mother, and am really sad for the situation that developed at the time of her death.

    Have you heard of "was-wasa" ?

    These are wrong thoughts from the shiyateen to steer you away from the good, or to nullify your good deeds.

    Maybe he(shaitaan) was waiting for a chance to nullify all the good that you had done for your mom.

    Usually when we try to concentrate in Namaz, we get all these weird thoughts, those are the same as what happened to you(I think).

    So stay calm, if possible visit a psychiatrist; and get counselling.

    In Sha Allah! All will be fine!

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