Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I Feel I’m Unqualified For Marriage Or Fatherhood

Loving father and sonAl-Salaam A'laykom Brothers & Sisters. First of all, Jazakom Allah khayran all of you for all the amazing efforts you do here, whether admins or members. You are all amazing & wonderful people & I sincerely pray that Allah grants you all that is best, solves all your problems & drives away any sorrow to be replaced with joy & solitude in this life & the next... Be'thn Allah. Ameen.

Now to the subject... I'm a 25 year old (young man, if I may say)... I live with my parents and my younger brother... May Allah bless them all...

I think I have some "major" problems with my character that would disqualify me to ever be a good husband or a good father. But to help you understand the situation I'm hoping that at least a few members here would bear with me the length & the details...

(1) Myself:

As a kid I had always been very sheltered by my parents & my family...

I do not know what came first...

Was I born fearful, timid & unsure...

Or was my upbringing the reason for this...

Perhaps it was both...

But my mother always tells me that I was born that way...

I had never been as bold, tough or as assertive as other boys my age...

I have always been very shy, I panicked & cried relatively easy

While my peers were defiant & rebellious even though we were all just kids

When I became older, my parents got me into several sports...

I did well or okay but I was always told that I was not aggressive enough...

I also did not have that internal drive to win or prove that I'm better than others

The same applied for the play grounds at school

I'm not competitive in any way...

This usually resulted in my team-mates & my class-mates (at school) belittling me & even considering me feminine (I wasn't, I just didn't have the aggressiveness or hot-temper they all seemed to have / display)

& it seemed like everywhere I went, someone had to make fun of me...

& being the well-mannered, shy , & (sadly) fearful boy I was, I rarely fought back or defended myself...

To be fair in my account...

Sometimes I did defend myself,

but I had to be coerced (pushed) into it,

My father or my uncle (my mom was usually too frustrated & sad to be able to give me advice about that matter) would sit with me & give me a lecture that this was not acceptable & that I'm entitled to defend myself

& in those cases I did it... not out of internal desire to defend myself or protect my dignity, but out of obligation (something that remains with me till today)... that my father or my uncle told me I should do it...

To be honest, it felt good that I managed to settle matters & correct a bad hurtful situation but the feelings did not last for long as I quickly gave in back to fear...

I was always afraid of consequences...

What if I defend myself & that boy overpowers me & hurts or hits me,

What if a teacher saw me defending myself & took me to the principal's office,

What if I get fired from school,

What if my mom found out & got angry at me & shouted at or beat me...

My concerns were logical,

They were based on things I've seen happen to others or have personally experienced before...

So I always chose to step over my pride & to willingly tarnish my self image just so I would be "safe" or so my mom wouldn't get angry at me...

This quality was mixed with another quality... that I never really felt any drive to defend myself in the first place...

I always felt that I'm not allowed to curse at or disrespect anyone & by the same token, others should not disrespect me,

that was in theory

but in practice, if someone curses at me or humiliates me, that was fine & okay by me...

It hurt & saddened me & made me cry but I accepted it, almost as if I deserved it...

To the extent that I'd sometimes feel that whatever it is that was said to me was true & that the person had every right to say that to me...

It was not rational or logical but deep inside I felt convinced...

To survive, the main qualities that I relied on were intelligence & hard work...

I had always been told that I was exceptionally smart & bright

& at school my teachers always favored me... (which made my peers envious & more hateful of me)

So I immersed myself & excelled in my studies, from early school years till high school & through the first year of university...

Then my grandfather passed away (Rahmat Allah A'leih)...

& I fell into a long phase of depression...

& as a result of both; getting emotionally hurt too often & not being liked by my peers, I became a loner & by the time I had left high school I had no friends at all...

Not one...

But one of my colleagues, a very kind sister (read about her below), I think noticed my condition... I did not welcome it but she took pity on me...

I tried to escape her in many ways but she insisted on helping me...

We gradually became like brother & sister

but two years later this relationship collapsed completely because my mother found out & interfered...

I got depressed again, even more

but realizing I had lost her

I decided to change

Graduated

Joined army

training

service

bad situations

defense

help

out

language

job

problems

 

(2) My Mother:

I love my mother,

She's kind & nurturing & I think, to the best of her ability, she raised me well...

Allah (SWT) is the source of all good

but in cause & reason

Anything & everything good in me is because of her & my father...

but like anyone & everyone, she's a human & so she's not flawless...

She is very controlling of me & put too much pressure into my choices to the point where my personality barely had the chance to be shaped... As a child I never noticed it but, sadly, now I do...

Everything I did from my early childhood up till university was out of obedience to her wishes or her commands to me...

But that problem is 2 folds... When it comes to what "I" want, the answer is not rational...

I want nothing

I never wanted anything

My mother's character & the dynamics of our relationship would have made her controlling in all cases but this fact

The fact that I want nothing at all in life

made it, in her eyes & mine, legitimate & acceptable for her to take control over my life...

I was like a perfect machine that had no engine...

I can produce amazing results but someone has to push me...

Someone has to manually make my parts move...

I do not function on my own...

I have no fuel, no drive force, no ambition or inner desire to excel or achieve anything

I was too young to realize it & I often gave in out of obedience

but when I got older

I figured this was the case

so I tried my best not to be stubborn with her...

I let her take charge of everything...

From within myself,

I never wanted to study... so  she forced me to

I never wanted to play sports... so she forced me to

I never wanted to have or make friends... so she picked them & forced them upon me

I never wanted to socialize or learn new things or be part of something... so she forced me into clubs & activities

I never wanted to go to college & did not want to choose any field...

I tried to explain that I don't feel drawn towards anything (in hopes of discussing the problem & maybe find a solution)

but she got angry & threatened me that if I don't choose between two specific fields by a certain date she will choose for me & if I refuse she'll throw me out of the house (& that scared the hell out of me... that threat was not necessary)...

When I "chose" the field & major, she was not happy with my choice of major because she compared me to two other guys (her friends' sons) who chose the same field but other majors... but for some reason she let it go...

& would remind me every now & then that she should have forced me into that other major like X & Y but she was merciful enough to let me "choose" for myself...

I understand where she's coming from...

it was all  in my favor... had she let me go my way I would be uneducated & unemployed, perhaps till my death...

but perhaps there was a better way to deal with this problem...

Some way that would have helped me develop a character rather than have my mom take charge & make my decisions for me...

Because now I'm an inept man... I'm incapable of doing a lot of things...

& even she does not respect me...

She says I'm a small boy compared to my younger brother...

My father

My brother

(3) The Girl:

but she was never really able to get me out of my sadness...

& then my mother (read about her below), having been always overly protective & (sadly) controlling of me, found out about the girl & (without any evidence or claim) attacked her honor & ordered me to cut off all ties with her...

I tried to argue or at least explain, but I had been cast in obedience for all my life... I did as she asked...

The girl soon found out about what happened

& was deeply hurt

& for some time she was angry at me because I did not defend her

then accepted the shaming truth, that I was incapable of it...

we talked again but I could see it in her eyes that she no longer respected me...

things went

I love her very much but I'm afraid that this great love of mine will not be enough to push me to defend her formidably & protect her effectively from my mother's very possible irrational attacks...

(All advice & opinions welcome but I'd really appreciate it if I get more sisters' opinions because of my problem's nature)

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4 Responses »

  1. wow the best advice I can give u is relax find someone n get married your mom to controlling that is to hard to deal with mom is mom but they don't understand half the time they live a another generation that why the way they been taught that how they know don't worry everything will be ok Insha'Allah tc

  2. You need to confront your mother and explain what she has done and is doing to you! She is clueless about the harm she has and is doing to you and until she understands this, its just going to continue,.

    If you can't be bothered to do it for yourself, at least do it for this girl.

    You should pray to Allah to give you the courage to do it, because left on your own, you would do nothing.

  3. السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته اخي
    I hope you're in the best health and Imaan ya rab

    I've read your message and so I sent it to my friend cuz her English is way more better than mine. And so here I'll cppy paste her advice and I hope it helps In Shaa Allah.

    It's my belief that a lot of things that are seen as negative can be channeled to be positively powerful and beautiful traits. And you have one of the most beautiful and strongest traits any person could have: Gentleness.

    It's just along the way, some things interfered and corrupted it and made it seem like more a weakness than a strength. Please recognize that nothing will change over night, but time is going to pass anyway, so it may as well be spent becoming who Allah knows you can be if you fight for it.

    What must be done is remain gentle, but don't allow people to make you into their puppet or walk all over you. The best example is the Rasulullah صلى الله عليه وسلم, how he was the most gentle man one could ever come across but also the strongest. Think about the example he set in how he balanced things out. And how he would handle those who did him wrong, what he said to them if anything and what he did if anything, as we know he did different things depending in the situation but whatever he did was always so beautiful and noble and respectable. Turning this new mindset into a habit and breaking out of the others will take time but it will be well worth it in shaa Allah

    For your mother, there is a fine line between being dutiful to your parents and letting them puppet you. Alhamdulillah Allah has allowed you to live 25 years, and your mother must understand that too, and you have to begin making decisions to yourself and when she opposes, as long as what you're doing is pleasing to Allah you have to stand firm in your decision. Parents want what's best for you but sometimes they go as far as to try and rule everything well into your adulthood to make it to where you're living the life they think is best for you, but it isn't always compatible for you because Allah makes us all different, we all have different trials and personalities and even living in different times, so the parents will more often than not make choices for you based upon what they know of life and what they feel they did that was successful for them or what they wish they could have done difderently, or what they seen other people did or what they think other people should do, and that doesn't always work unless the child is a carbon copy of the parent. Your mother means well, may Allah bless her, but as a man you have to make decisions for yourself and you have to let her know this, you have to assert yourself as a man and at the same time keep your gentle demeanor because that is such a beautiful trait, dint ever let anyone break you out if it. What you can do as you make your own decisions though so that your mother will feel included is say "ya ummi, I'm planning on doing this. What's your opinion, and do you have any advice for me?" And when she gives you her opinion and advice, you weigh it to see if it would do well for you and if not it's totally okay not to take opinions and advice if you feel that it isn't good for you, and you pray istikharah on it too. And after she gives her advice you let her know you whole heartedly appreciate her advice and you love her, hug her, and you make your decision based upon your istikharah and what your heart feels is best and what Allah would be pleased with

    In shaa Allah changing these 2 things will do wonders for your overall life, this is just your trial right now and may Allah bless you for seeking advice in it! While you do them, it may be hard or scary, and it may rock the boat a bit at first, but in the end things will get so much better in shaa Allah as long as you're doing it fisabilillah and your intentions are pure. If your mother throws you out of the house, then it's qadr and may Allah forgive and bless her, you can get your own place if you can in shaa Allah and visit your family still like everything is perfectly fine, and maybe it will help you further in your confidence in shaa Allah, as you'll be independent and providing for yourself, and then when you do get married you'll have a place for you and your wife immediately and women like when the man has a place of his own so it will be less stress trying to find a place and grow accustomed to living outside of your parents home.

    After you get a bit better with these things, then if this sister is good for you, Allah will bring her to you and she will see your efforts and she will respect you, and you can ask her if she would like to marry you and you can clear her name with your mother.

    I keep stressing that this may not be easy, but Allah can make it easy if He wills and I pray He does. But nothing that is worth anything comes easy.

    في أمان الله اخي

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