Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I feel like Allah hates me?

t_SuicidePrevention

Hello,

My problem is so huge I don't know exactly where to start.

Well, I'm at a point in my life where I have nothing to do about the pain I'm in. No one to run to, nothing to do, I can't do this, I can't do that, but be stuck with my problem--I'm stuck in the middle, and the pain is intolerable.

It's too much for me to take at this point.

It's kind of personal, but all I will say is that "it" is an illness. A physical one and a mental one.

It started out with the physical problem, which in turn created the mental problems. It is so horrible, it makes every problem I've had in the past look pathetic. Especially when people come to complain to me about their problems, it dwindles in comparison to what I have to deal with.

I feel like Allah hates me. I really do. I've been to doctors, done every imaginable thing, but here I am.

I wouldn't have minded the problem if it didn't prevent me from living my life. But that's it, it's preventing me from actually living life. If this continues, I will fail school, I won't be able to ever get into any school and study and get a career. This illness is preventing me from even going outside, doing normal things. It's taken over my life. It's preventing me from living my life! :'(

I can't get a career or a job one day because of this illness. It's an illness my family can't cure and one doctors can't cure. And the effects of it are disastrous, to the point where I simply refuse to be around people because of the embarrassing side effects.

If I lost an arm I would bear it. If I lost my house I would bear it. If I lost a family member I would, and I'm ashamed to say this, but I would bear it.

If I had cancer, I would bear it. If I had an incurable disease, I would bear it. But I simply CANNOT bear this. It is TORTURE. I am tortured day and night by not only my mind but the physical effects it has on me. I would rather do all of the above or even die than deal with this.

The confusing thing about it is, it's an illness, but at the same time, it's not. I guess you can say it's something that's not usually an illness but has gotten so out of hand/developed to the point where it's an illness and there has been no single thing treatment that really worked.

My body aches, my head aches, my hurt hurts, I cry every day. I deal with insults, taunts, and worse because of this illness. Because I have EXTREME anxiety to top it off, I feel as if I'm going crazy. My anxiety makes things 10X times worse. In fact now I think I have 2 diseases.

And it was the 2nd one that really is the last straw. Everyone has a limit, and this is mine, I cannot simply persevere against this thing anymore by myself. I have no help from family or doctors. I am left by myself to deal with this, and no matter what I do it's always like that. There is simply no way to get help from friends or doctors.

If I only had the 1st disease, I think I would have beared it. But the 2nd one made everything nightmarishly worse, and it's this one I would probably consider suicide for, since it tortures my body and mind day and night.

Day and night I have no rest. I've never, in my entire life, seen ANYTHING like this before, much less people who have had something like this before. My family hasn't either. Does Allah hate me? Why does He do this to me?

If it was some other calamity, I would persevere, but this one simply PREVENTS ME from living my life and getting a career! How am I supposed to just take that? Now I can't live my dreams and serve Allah. The work I chose would not only serve people, but Allah as well. It would be my second way of worshiping Him.

Why did this have to happen? Now I feel I have nothing to live for. All the purposes I had have been taken away.

I thought very carefully when I chose my career, and I wanted it to be a way of not only worship but charity work as well. I probably could have changed millions of lives. Now I can't.

Now I feel I have nothing but to pray, read the Qur'an, and be a recluse. Because at this point, there is nothing more left in life for me. That job would have been my goal in life. Like I said, it just wasn't any career. It was also a way of worship for me.

Please, anyone help. I pray to Allah about this, but still nothing. I feel like Allah hates me. I also have OCD or I guess 'whisperings of shaytan' which is killing me on the side as well. I have read so many things on resilience, patience, I have been patient for 3 years (which I also spent crying) and I simply have lost all hope. Everything has caved in.

My pride and dignity as a human being and respect are gone. My reputation is gone. Everyone looks at me with disgust and hatred, and people literally run from me now because of this illness. I simply cannot take it anymore, I'm broken. My heart is empty, and nothing, no words of encouragement help. I feel like I'm beyond help. I guess this question was a last attempt, I don't know why I even asked it. But anyone, please, say anything......

Stripey


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11 Responses »

  1. Alsalam Alykum wa Rahmatuh,

    I hope this finds you well. I am sorry you are dealing with all of this. I hope you know that you are never alone. There are many people like you who are struggling and above all Allah is ALWAYS with you. He is watching and observing your patience. I understand that you have heard a lot about patience and this is not what I am going to talk to you about.
    Here is the beauty of our religion. Allah LOVES us. He cares about all of us and wants us to be happy in Jenna inshalla after life. Having said that, he is very knowing of our limitations and our abilities therefore he didn't give you something you can't handle even though you don't feel that way. Also Allah gives us problems in this life like diseases, loss of money, loss of family and loss of food to help us. He is all merciful after all. He wants us to be cleansed of sins so that we can go directly to Jenna after life. If he doesn't do that then we might have to go to hell to be cleansed of our sins. He knows that we won't be able to handle hellfire and the earthly punishment is something we can handle much better and easier than hell.

    I was angry with Allah for a very long time. I thought he was unfair as life has always dealt me a bad hand. Now I know for sure that he is doing that to spear me from hell. See how beautiful our Lord is. He LOVES us and wants to see us in haven.

    May Allah bless you with joy and peace. I send you my warmest thoughts.

    ~Express~

    • Assalam alaikum,

      Yes, I see now that Allah cares about us. I couldn't distinguish back then whether this was a test or a punishment. Maybe it's both. But I'll deal with it anyhow.
      Thank you, and may Allah bless you with joy and peace as well. Thank you for taking the time to read this question, even though it's extremely long haha.

  2. Assalam alaikum,

    Allah swt gives us tests that we do not always pass to test our reaction and to decide if He is enough for us.

    At one point iblis was considered a very pious jinn who worshiped Allah swt like no other, but upon coming to know of Adam AS, he was tested with that test that would determine his sincerity. We are not tested with tests that we are bound to pass, we are tested with tests that we have a great potential to fail.

    You say that you could bear many other things, but this no, but in those cases, this would be unknown to you and you may have listed this a more "desirable" test.

    I suggest that you seek Allah in all avenues of your life. For us, Allah swt should be enough even when we are alone, isolated, and without help. I do not know your exact situation and I cannot even dare to know your challenge, but I can only suggest that you do not give up. If Allah swt is with you, nothing can hurt you.

    Also, seek counselling for your OCD and perhaps even try cbt. May Allah swt ease each of your difficulties and help you to find wisdom and patience, Ameen.

    • Assalam alaikum,

      Thank you for your kind words and I've thought about them. I sent this question in about a month ago, so I've had some time to really think. I think I was really in a black pit when I wrote this. Although nothing has really improved, the way I think has.
      First off, I'm not going to commit suicide. Back then, I thought that was the only option left but not anymore. No matter what, I won't do it. I've gotten this far, haven't I? This, like I said, has been the worst thing I have ever dealt with in my life, so I doubt anything bad that comes after this could be worse. Even if it does, I'm persevering through this, so I'll persevere through that.

      Thank you so much for telling me about the 'tests'. Like you said, those other things would be more 'desirable' tests for me, which I would have no problem taking. This is more than all of that. I really see now, that this is something that although I've never seen anything like, I will deal with because it's my 'test' or 'challenge'. It's an extremely difficult one, but I'll deal with it. I think I'll come back and read what you wrote over and over again in the future. I really like it.

  3. Seems like you have a psychosomatic problem. You need to find some one who can help you understand how your mind is causing you all this illness.

    • Hello,
      It didn't start out that way. I actually had something physical. It was treated, but then it came back again, and absolutely worse. I've been to several doctors and they haven't helped much. So I'm just dealing with it. It seems untreatable sometimes.
      It was this illness that caused my mental ones, that I will agree with you on. But my mind didn't just 'cause' all of this out of the blue. I was a really happy person with not a care in the world when I got sick. Like I said, I don't want to say what the illness is, but let me tell you it is a very real one. It's hard to explain. Sometimes it feels like it's not an illness, which I wrote above, but I see now that it is. I went to my doctor and he diagnosed me. He gave me prescriptions. It was okay for a while, but then it came back harder and that's what we're trying to deal with.
      There is really no one I can talk to, like I said, my family will simply not listen to me so I've given up on them. I tried talking to my doctor; he's trying to treat my physical problem, even though it's not really working. I talked to my doctor about my anxiety, and he'll probably want to put me on pills. I don't want that, so I've been praying through it. That's all. I've tried calming myself down. It's gotten a bit better.
      I have depression, on and off, on and off. It went away for good once, then it came back. I deal with it as well. It brings me down but I just try and find something that cheers me up for a while or a distraction, and then I feel better for a while. That's what I've been currently doing to 'combat' it.
      Thank you for your comment, it's appreciated.

  4. You need psychological treatment ASAP. It's not uncommon for people who have untreatable diseases to develop emotional problems and that's clearly what's happening to you, and it's coloring your perception of everything around you. I truly doubt that your parents and family and friends are disgusted by you and that your reputation has been ruined because you have a disease. Your anxiety and OCD are feeding you these negative thoughts so you need to address them through professional help. I urge you to make an appointment to see a psychiatrist and counsellor immediately.

    • Hello,
      My parents and family are not disgusted by me, but other people for sure are. I don't want to say how.
      It's kind of like people who have have fecal incontinence. They feel shame, embarrassment, and isolated a bit, right? It's exactly like that, that's how I feel sometimes. But I deal with it. To be honest it doesn't even bother me that much anymore.
      Yes, my anxiety and OCD do feed me negative thoughts, so I've tried stopping thinking in a bad way but more in a positive way. It's helped a bit.
      Nobody in my family wants to acknowledge I have a problem (OCD and anxiety) so they simply act like I don't have it. That's why I gave up on trying to tell them anything, they simply won't listen and will say, instead, that there is nothing wrong with me and that I'm making it all up. I don't blame them, i guess it's there way of 'coping' with what's happening with me now. This was why I said I feel alone, because I don't have any friends I could trust with this information, so I turn to my family, but when they don't believe you, where do you turn?
      When this whole thing was starting out, I did see a counselor. She didn't understand. I tried explaining my anxiety and how I felt, and all she said was "okay". She only kept returning to my physical illness which was making me feel sick. I gave up trying to tell her and stopped seeing her.

      Also, my family does not want me to see anyone about my OCD because first off, even though they think I don't have it, they still say that I'll get sent to a psych ward or hospital when there's nothing wrong with me, etc. etc. I'll be put on medication for it, blah blah blah.
      While I don't want to be put on medication for it, the other two options are: talking to a therapist and getting treatment through talking, or just dealing with it.
      I'm kind of shy too and to be honest I'd rather not see a therapist. I'd really not. I'm just going to deal with it. That's all. I'll just deal with anything at this point, that's the conclusion I've come to. Thank you for the suggestions, if I have a change of mind I'll think about them, but for now I'll just focus on trying to be as happy as I can and dealing with what's going on.

  5. Not at all. Allah swt loves those he tests. Ur sins are being cleared. Things will improve make dua . Trust Allah swt completely. U don't know how quickly things can change in a persons life. I had many hospital admissions for similar problems now life completely changed alhumdulila: husband children and I am a Muslim

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