Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I feel like this should be the end.

depressed man at waterside

Asalam-o-Alaikum.

I hope this post finds your team well. Ive never written to anyone about my problems or the things that trouble me. Im a 21 year old guy and ive been with someone for the last five years of my life. I know thats not well taken relgiously. As i was quite immature when i started seeing this girl i made quite unreasonable and silly mistakes. Thats a whole other topic but im aware ive done wrong things. My attention wandered around and it bothered her a lot. As i grew up and realised a few things, i started promising myself that ill start acting more responsibly towards my family and her. I also lost my mother. Which was a huge setback for me and still is. It happened not too long ago and thats when everything came crashing down on me. I never really think shes gone. I always think shes here. If i think otherwise, i get panic attacks and im literally unable to breath. I dont know. That day and my mom and everything comes to me and i just cant cope with it. And if youre wondering i talk to anyone about how i feel, well i dont. I dont think anyone understands how i feel since they havent suffered the loss. Its okay, i mean im glad that they have the people they love but i also know that no one could ever understand this.

I crack up on the smallest things now. Im very short tempered. Ive always been a reserved person and that has increased now, ive noticed. And im never really in a good mood or at peace but i still keep the people i love close to me. I cant afford to lose anyone else. Im very scared.

The girl ive been seeing has changed now. Shes different towards me. Or rather indifferent towards me. We talk sometimes, argue over things a lot. I try to keep calm and be there whenever she wants me to be. But i dont think she wants me around anymore. Ive become weak gradually. And i feel like ill explode. I have no control over anything. And im pretty sure its a matter of time when she will leave as well. The hardest part is that when ive given everything to our relationship, thats when she takes her part back. Im losing her. And ive lost my mother. I have my family, but with family, your siblings too have their own responsibilities. Their own lives. After my mother, she is the only person who gives me some sort of sanity.

Ive been upset with Allah. But i also realise how upset he must be with me. I dont know what to do. I cant lose another person. I wish i was strong enough to go through something drastic, but im not. I think about ending my life but i dont know how to. Or where do i get the courage to. I think about hurting everything else and everyone else. But thats so psychotic. I feel like im losing it. I cant think anymore. I think im losing my mind. And i dont know who to talk to because no one will get this. Im not even sure if you will. But i really dont know what else to do. I cant think right. And i cant cope with this anymore.

Can i wish and hope to die peacefully? Can i pray for that? I want this to end. Life to end. I really cant process more of anything anymore.

Take care,

Thank you.

Sameer123

 

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7 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaykum, Brother Sameer

    Do not do anything rash right now. We all have made mistakes, and we suffer the consequences of our mistakes. In your case, you see the results of having a haram relationship, the pain you are suffering from right now is partially a result of that. Allah has provided us guidance to avoid such a relationship, and this is one of the reasons his wise guidance should be followed. However, Allah is also merciful beyond any earthly measure, and your current pain can be endured by moving closer to Allah.

    The loss of a parent is one of the most painful things a person can go through. Do not expect the pain to go away, I no longer have either parent, and it still hurts every day. But through this pain, you can know yourself better and also develop compassion for the pain of others. Concentrate on what you can do to be a better servant to Allah because of this pain and the insight it gives you.

    You mentioned that you are upset with Allah, and understand that he is upset with you. I want to make a distinction here. Allah is upset with you actions, not you as a person. Allah has infinite mercy, and will judge you fairly on the day of judgement, if you turn to Him and follow His guidance.

    You also mentioned that you cannot loose another person, that you do not have the strength. You will not be able to cope. I understand this feeling, I have felt it too. I wish I had a magic answer to make it better, but I do not. The only answer is to keep taking steps on your path following Allah's guidance. With each small step, you are in a slightly different place, and in each place you will have a slightly different perspective. It will slowly make you better equipped for future struggles. This is part of the wisdom of Allah: if you take steps on your path following his guidance, slowly his plan for your life will emerge, and slowly your ability to cope with the trials and tribulations of life will be strengthened by experience.

    Also, please reflect on your troubles. Think about what you would advise your best friend to do if he came to you with this. You would not tell him to end his life, you would walk with him and help him until he could stand on his own again. Just as you would do for a friend, Allah will do for you, if you submit to His will.

    Good luck my brother.

    • AmericanMuslim,

      I really like your last paragraph and think it offers the brother a good amount hope and compassion. It also reminds the brother that Allah has put means in his path to help him, such as friends, that shouldn't be taken lightly, as they, too, are from Allah alone. Inshallah the brother will recover soon.

      Sameer123 - brother, I hope that writing out your problems alone has helped you enough to take the next steps towards coping...Alhamdulillah there are many people here that care about you. If things ever get to a point where you need immediate assistance with your coping ability or emotions, you can always write out your thoughts again and/or contact (or ask a family member to contact) a local counselor/therapist for you. A good therapist will know how to help you further, inshallah.

      Stay strong and may Allah give you peace.

      Nor

  2. Can I just say just say that reading this broke my heart? I literally have tears in my eyes because it really hurts my heart when I see other people suffering in such a way. Although I can't relate with the loss of your mother, I know how it feels to have everything against you, to feel alone and so lost and soooo down. I myself feel like that 70% of the time. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother wallahi, I pray that Allah gives you all the strength to grieve and move past it as it has already happened and maybe one day Allah will reveal why you went through it all. I try to look at things like this as a test, ive loved and lost and been through some horrible things and at that given moment I just break down and act in such a horrible way but I know Allah wants it to make me stronger and make me turn to him. Please don't lose this girl you have in your life, please try to make it halal and don't push her away despite everything you're going through right now. Commuicate with her and just try to be there for each other. &I please pray and turn to Allah, I beg you. May Allah guide you and make everything easier for you inshallah. You're in my duas..

    • As Salam Alaikum,

      I agree with Ameera here, you will be in our dua brother..

      Ameera, who are you? why do you always bring smile on my face?

      Allah Hafiz..

  3. Assalam alaikum,

    Dear Brother,

    You are going through a very painful time. It is hard to imagine what it must feel like. Through all this pain and the loss of a parent, the world can feel like a terribly empty place. There is no doubt in that.

    Whatever you have done is all in the past. It is that simple. The only thing that you can change is now. Yes, you might want to end it, but Dear Brother, that is because you don't know what that will result in--the only thing that makes you say that is your current pain--and pain is not what should decide your fate. You should decide your fate.

    Your sanity wasn't given to you by your mother or the girl in your life or anyone. I know that you will not like to listen to that, but, rather, Allah Gives you all that you have, including your sanity. It is merely your perception that your sanity and your peace could belong to a single person. There is strength in you that you have to tap into.

    I urge you to see a Muslim counsellor.

    I also urge you to stop judging yourself so harshly right now. You need to first fix and heal one moment at a time. You can't unravel all of the knots at once.

    You are in so much pain and the choice for death does not guarantee the end to it--so long as you are alive, you have the option to heal. Before you can heal though, you have to realize that the situation you exist in has a solution. It isn't hopeless.

    Allah swt loves you. He is the only One that can and will decide to Forgive you--no one else can.

    May Allah swt ease your pain and help you to use it as a tool to exit your problems. Ameen. May Allah swt bless you.

  4. Assalam-o-alaikum,
    Hope you are fine!
    Brother,look everyone in life faces ups and down and that's what we called life..right??but we have to survive..for the one who love & care for us...
    Mother & son is the most epic relationship and the pain heals with time not in one second or moment..you love ur mother miss her,cry but it can't effect her anymore..the only thing that she can get from you is the prayer tasbeeh for her.Ask ALLAH to forgive her and make sure that her soul in peace by making time to time dua for her...think for a moment that she the alone in grave,when you do dua,for her tasbeeh for her how much she felt proud in front of their neighbourhood.look he is my son that still cares for me!
    Next thing a relationship with girl,which is haram.i know but it happens unexpectedly..so let me tell yo that you're not alone..lots of people are suffer from this sitution... i know how hard is to leave our soo called dear one..listen once a girl who never pray namaz..once in week/month.also she doesn't contact a boy in life.once a boy came told her that he loves her sooo much and treat like princesses etc..but she doesn't fall in love..once night he told that he was suffering from a dangerous disease.the girl was stunned.and start liking him care for him but it was only limited to text messages..not even a haram thing except to do message to non-mehram..after several months when she was fall in love completely someone told her that he was lying...he is not effected by some disease.the girl stunned again not to able listen what anyone speak further...she cried a lot alot....trust me no family no friend no no no one come except ALLAH.that day she attached to ALLAH and cried alot and feel that ALLAH is giving peace..but her panic attacks started she made suicide attempt but not strongly... a week after she able to think something,she opened his facebook message...he was saying to his friend..please send me a number of any girl...that was END..he is playing cheating etc..from that day to today she never ever open fb she only attached her life to ALLAH...No love because it'z not from ALLAH it'z from shaytan...True love was after marriage..the biggest blessing of ALLAH...so if she is not sincere..leave her because no one was dying...soo nothing such happen... try to start new & move on.. look we give u advices mean we care so please don't leave us and live your life peacefully..and attached to ALLAH at once please try from me please at once... stay Happy..anyhow,that girl was me..:)
    Hope,that helped and please share what are ur feeling right now....
    ALLAH(S.W.T)guides us and he(S.W.T) guide us best...

  5. As Salam Alaikum,

    Bro, you are going through tough time at young age but the good news is Allah (swt) has given you understanding and time to repent. So, best thing to do is.. Pray namaz and ask forgiveness, 2nd go play sport that you love and enjoy, spend time with friends but whenever you think they might start talking about sex, move away.

    Right now, do not think about your relationship will end with this girl, it will just make it worse. Its time to spend more time with family and friends but always keep your self distance from sin.

    Now, as you have realize your mistake of doing whatever you did with your GF, ask for repentance and talk with GF with kindness, politely and tell her how you feel. Trust me she will appreciate and if she walks away, then it is never meant for you, never afraid to lose someone. Do you really want someone who does not stand by you in thick and thin?

    I my self have a hot temper issues and I lost my marriage in just 3 months, I have done lot of sins but thanks to Allah (swt) I have stopped those sins.

    Next thing, go to gym if you think you got short/hot temper, trust me it will release your stress and anxiety.

    May Allah (swt) guide you and us and send HIS mercy on all of us...

    Allah Hafiz..

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