Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I feel lonely in this marriage, what should I do?

Broken marrige, marrige falling apart due to lack of communication, intimacy etc

S.A. I was very happy when I came across this website, inshallah with Allah's help, I am hoping to get some advices or guidance inshallah.

I have been married to my husband for over 11 yrs., and we have 3 lovely children mash Allah. Since the beginning my husband was a bit away from me, I never felt very close...he wouldn’t share things with me, he wouldn’t listen to me or ask me how my day has been. I was always finding him excuses "he must be tired after a long day" it didn’t really kind of affect me then.

About 8 yrs. ago he set up an organisation benefiting the community, and I only learned about this through a friend. 2 yrs. ago, my newborn baby was then 3 weeks old, I discovered that my husband married someone else behind my back, but he never said the truth to me, he was always lying, I was finding evidence and he kept on lying.

This hurt me so much, because I knew he wasn’t saying the truth, he broke the trust, he broke my feeling, he choked me, and I loved so much, I was crying every day; I was in pain, very stressed.

How could the most precious thing that Allah gave me, hurt me so much. It also affected my health we didn’t speak for 7 months, I was keeping myself away from him, and then he promised me and held the Koran that he was not married. So we tried to have a normal relationship.

Deep down I am very hurt, very angry, I feel he does not love me. I don’t trust him, I’m always suspicious, I check his mobile, his pockets, may Allah forgive me, but my husband is pushing me to do this.  I could now be spending my evening upstairs and he would be watching TV downstairs, but he would not call me to sit with him. When he comes back home after a hard day, he does not speak, he is too tired. But he has the energy to pick up the phone and talk to his family.

I don’t feel my husband is interested in me, he never calls me during the day see how things are, when I go to Islamic circles, never ask me anything, if I have an appointment he does not ask.

And because I don’t like this situation, I found it very difficult to live this way, I asked him to get couple counselling, or talk to an Imam, I even suggested to get his mum involved, but he is just refusing all of my suggestions

We are emotionally very far from each other. I feel stuck in a corner and not able to do anything. When I mention this to him, he says that everything is ok.

I am trying to forget what he has done to me 2 yrs. ago, but I am still very hurt and can’t seem to get over it. Sometimes I feel he is with me just for convenience or for the sake of the children.

I am sorry for the length of my post, but I had to go into details for you to understand better.

Jazakoum for your kind advice and guidance

A sister sinking down in unhappiness.


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8 Responses »

  1. If your husband has categorically stated he is not married and you failed to find evidence, then he is not married and you are clearly doubting his word. I think you should believe what he says about that so that you can stop feeling insecure about him and your marriage.

    Often men are less inclined to be emotional or want that that closeness women want, however most men realise that it's vital to try to fulfil the emotional needs of their wives. It's clear to me when reading this question, that you guys have the foundation to rebuild the marriage, it really really is a case of him being willing to take the step in the right direction.

    I think in this case, if you go to his mum and get her involved and do it sensibly ie. without offending him too much, then something is bound to change. No son, no matter how stubborn or whatnot, he will always listen to what his mother says. So my advice, instead of asking him whether to get his mum involved, you get her involved, explain things to her and I have no doubt things will start to change. He will NEVER become a Romeo or Raja, but he will give you a little more time and show more interest in you.

    I think you need to try and get your mother in law to force him to take some time off work, allow her to look after the kids for a long weekend and go somewhere nice (doesn't have to be expensive) and have some walks and some picnics together.

    It's only after marriage I've realised how much of a headache (good one) trying to give my wife more and more time and effort really is.

    Good luck, I am sure things will start to change for the better, both of you have a good heart and things will work out nicely.

  2. Dear Sister

    I really felt bad reading all this...but dont take it to your heart now....dont spoil your health and dont even take tension regarding all this situation....your children need you and want your time which could only be possible if you would be healthy and fit....this is something really very bad that throughout the whole life of a girl, parents and society keep on telling her that your happiness lies in your husband....but when the females demand love and attention from their husbands and they ignore them, everything becomes devastated for them....

    Dear you have tried your best now just leave everything to Allah.....Allah is watching all this and would definitely compensate you with something much much better than this, so just dont loose hope....right now it is very important for you to keep a healthy and sound environment at home so that your children dont get affected....if ever your children felt this that our parents have clashes or whatever, they would get hurt and their confidence would be zero.....Do you really want your children to live their lives like this?? Do you want them to get hurt?? or what??

    Sister married couples get problems in their lives and it becomes unlucky for them sometimes but dont be upset with should be happy and satisfied that your have three beautiful children, your husband is living with you guys and he is fulfilling your all other just think about those couples who are divorced and dont even look at each are blessed that the circumstances at your end are a bit fine...

    i would advise you to keep on communicating with him in your normal routine about normal stuff... its good that you share the stuff with him and keep on doing it....dont feel bad if he does not share anything with you....once your children grow up, he would automatically start taking interest in you just dont get it to your heart....lead a normal life and give full time to your children and to your is veryy very important that you keep yourself at peace......

    expect reward from Allah not from your husband....Read Surah Yaseen, Surah Rehman and last verse of Surah Bakrah....they would ease your heart and situation and you would feel the change very soon....Trust Allah and everything would be fine....

    my prayers are with keep us informing about your situation too....
    May Allah help us all.....

  3. Salaam sister, follow the above advice its good, i would like to add onto that with something simple yet alot of marriages lack this...intimacy.

    Marriage is boring, full of stress and tough on the individual, but we never feel these emotions if our marriage is full of happyness, how this is achieved is through intimacy and kindness, its not about who should make the effort, because marriage is a joint relationship, and neither partner should expect any extra effort from the other, but you can make a change and it will be a beneficial one.

    First of all the lack of interest is not suprising from your husband, i am a man myself and can relate slightly you see your suspicions of him lead you to be more withheld from him and distant, he picks up on this and decides he cant be asked to make the effort with you, men are lazy thats a fact. and so he watches tv on his own and dosent really give you attention, especially after a hard day work men want comfort and to avoid conflict just shut any avenue that may lead to any conflict.
    Now what you can do is make him value you and make him want you, the key is to be intimate and kind to him whatever his mood, men feel guilty if they get extra attention and dont pay their wife back and your efforts will pay dividends insha'Allah, so what can you do, well for me when i come home from work my wife gives me a kiss and just smiles, whatever my mood i always feel happy after that, you could try this with your husband, do things together after the children are in bed, like watching tv, so when your husband is watching tv snuggle up next to him and make him feel your presense, share a cup of tea that is just great you really feel like a couple then, because everything is shared, alongside this if you really want to make him want you and feel attatched to you then at the weekend drop the children to your families or relatvies house, and offer to massage him through this tell him how much you love him and what he means to you, things should get really intimate and you should end up in bed, now you have made him realise who you are and what you mean to him has increased alot, this is because he will pick up the positive vibes from you and start to miss you when at work, and will feel alot more attatched, soon he will be asking you to join him on the sofa everynight, now his family can never offer that to him however much they try, and i gurantee he will start to appreciate you alot more, and you will feel the effects of this through his response, he will be more intimate with you and more lively, certainly put you before his family, this will be good for your kids aswell.

    But its in your hands, you have to put the past to bed and make this effort, once you are succesful then marriage will be so fun for you that you will always be smiling, intimacy can only be offered by you and so utilise as much as you can, hes your husband, remind him how important his beautiful wife is for him, this will work and i wish you the best, i hope you can get your marriage back on track insha'Allah.

  4. Salaam
    i agree with the advise given above. i just want to advise you to try to look as pretty as possible for him, and one day make him a divine dessert and read YAA WADOODU abundantly with utmost faith in ALLAH. your husband
    may be your means of going to heaven. take care sister we all love you. you will always be in my duas. contact
    me if you feel like for more advise :

  5. Reliance should only be upon the CREATOR and nothing that is part of CREATION. Only then can nothing ever touch your heart in a negative way.


  6. Asalaam alaikum,

    You need to understand that your suspicions are the work of Shaytan if they have not ever been proven. You need to put this away f he truly is not married to someone else and you need to foster an understanding inside of yourself whether you want to save this marriage or not. If you do, please read below.

    From the beginning of your marriage till today, you two have never developed an emotional relationship. It's up to you to decide that that fact ends today. I am of the mind that his mother nor his other relatives can help him with this matter, but you, however have a ton of control, instead. You must empower yourself to realize that as a spouse, it is not enough to give 50% half the time, but to give 100% all of the time. And though some people would scoff at this, they are usually single and alone, so their opinion doesn't matter. Once you make up your mind to do this, you should be able to guide your husband along to do the same.

    Islamically, the wife and the husband are supposed to leave work and daily problems out of their intimate "together time." While everyone thinks this only refers to sex, it actually means that the vast majority of home life must be very affectionate and playful devoid of suspicion and bitterness and that you two must not allow even the mundane distractions such as the internet or television come in the way of developing your bond as husband and wife.

    I want you to think of what "playfulness and affection" means to you. It should mean a lot of skin on skin contact, sweet words and sweeter kisses. It should also mean time spent doing things together, which should be more than putting your child to sleep or cleaning up the house. Instead, if you can afford to, hire a maid to do the cleaning, even if it's just for a few weeks or months while you two save energy for your "time together." Focus on having fun while cooking dinner and as suggested above, give each other massages, make time to laugh together, have fun and spoil each other. Put the kiddo to sleep early and make complete use of your night.

    A lot of couples get intimidated when they think "I don't know how to massage!" Nonsense. First of all, your not becoming a professional masseuse so relax and instead sit down with your husband and firmly squeeze his shoulders working your way down his arms. Play with each other hands and stretch them against one and other. If he's sitting on the couch, sit on the floor and begin rubbing his calves. You can use simple massage oils or even baby oil, as you do have a child and should have some around. Also, simple moisturizers work well for this. I suggest warm salt water soaking tubs and foot massages for married couples.

    Pull and stretch each other out. Have fun with this and relieve the stress in one and other. If you want to try something intense, you an try acupressure, but it's very exhausting and hurts at first, so be careful. You can find youtube videos on this to practice.

    Now you may think: "how do I get him to go with this?" Simple: when he's sitting and numbing down on tv, sit on the opposite end of the couch and put your feet in his lap. Needless to say, wash your feet first and apply a nice scented moisturizer like vanilla or peach and then, be playful and seductive with him. I shouldn't have to be explicit, but I said "his lap" for a reason. If he tries to engage you by coming towards you, place your feet on his chest and slowly push him back. Have fun with him and tell him that you want to take it slowly. Remember: sweet words and kisses, which is from a hadith of the Prophet Muhammad (saw), no less.

    Now you're wondering, "how does physical play result in emotional intimacy?" A man is a visual being who reacts to physical stimuli more than a woman, initially. So what you're trying to do is to seduce his heart towards opening up to you by physically moving him around. Men respond to touch instantly and as you do this, you should begin to start talking to him. However, this is not a time to complain! Instead, tell him what you want from him. Say, "I want you to tell me that you want me, that you need me, that you can't live without me. I want to feel loved in your arms, with every touch, with your words, please make me your woman, your wife, your lover." Touch him, kiss him, arouse him and talk sweetly to him.

    I know that we all get a bit squeamish in talking in detail, but nowadays, it seems that we've lost what should come so naturally to us. But as it is often said, "lovers are made, not born." You need to understand that fact and begin to understand the motion of combining two individuals into one state of being beginning physically and emotionally. You've had a child together, so somewhere you guys had a spark at one time. Well, you need to turn it into a fire, too. Talk about your intimate moments in a complimentary tone with things like, 'when you did this, it made me feel........" and "I loved it when I touched you and you......." When you start talking intimately, you start talking affectionately.

    And this should extend to everyday life. The comedian Chris Rock once said, "No one ever tells their dad, 'hey, thanks for knocking the rent out!'" In this reference, remind your husband as to how much you value him as a provider and as the father to your child. Your husband may need to hear a lot of verbal reinforcement so he begins to feel, "Ok, I'm working to make my wife happy, because she depends on me and loves me." Try to implement positive steps day by day.

    Honestly, in the beginning, you will be doing the majority of the initial effort. Do not get discouraged, instead get playfully vocal and pout sometimes. When he comes home and gives your daughter a kiss, say, "Hmphf! I want a kiss too." Smile and play with your husband. Snuggle up to him and tell him, "I need you." When he leaves for work, say, "I'm going to miss you." Send him texts to the same effect. I gave similar advice in this post, so please read it, as well.

    Insha'allah, within a few short weeks, your husband will be queuing in to your needs and wants, but you have to decide whether you are a strong enough woman to save your marriage.

  7. I feel the same with my husband

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