I feel useless….
- Allah is 'Al-Mujeeb' - The one who responds
Hello everyone, I am a 21 year old girl currently studying at university...I heard about this site from my Muslim friend although I’m Christian she suggested I join this site and ask for advice.
I have been in a relationship with this guy for a few months but we always argue and he is always rude and disrespectful to me, and we always break up and we always get back together but I know I shouldn’t but I can never stop. He always stresses me out and makes me unhappy and he is so ungrateful because he always asks for money and I help him but he’s never grateful. One day he asked me for my bank card and I didn’t give it then he started abusing me verbally and that really hurt me.
My problem is I can’t get over him, I feel used and I really liked him. He always says he loves me but I know when someone loves you they don’t treat you like that. How can I get over this?
Also I live with my step mum and my dad is never around and this also stresses me out because I can’t really talk to her and me and her don’t really talk therefore this makes me sad because sometimes I don’t feel happy at home which causes me more stress and I think maybe that’s why I always go back to this guy. So basically I’m always depressed most of the time and this affects my studies.
Melody
10 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Peace be with you, Melody,
Thank you very much for sharing with us and looking for guidance in this site, may God make me worth of your trust, insha´Allah.
First of all I am going to share my personal opinion about your situation.
You are a very intelligent woman, you know what love is about and you know you don´t have this with this man and better of all you know he doesn´t love you, Thank God, and much better again that you know which is one of your weak points, your feeling of being ignored by the most important people in the world for you (father, family) and all that this takes with it, lack of guidance, being alone, feeling lonely,.....what drives you to situations like the one you are living right now. You know all of this already, thank God.
Yes what you have the gut feeling of it is true, he is just using you for his financial needs, you are his hen of the golden eggs, then knowing the problem and its roots, let´s do something about it.
This man that you are with is full of problems and will give you lot of problems as you feel, then cut all kind of contact with this boy, be straight and firm about it, you deserve someone better. Don´t listen to him, don´t answer his calls, avoid him and if he becomes agressive call the police, simple.
Maybe this is the moment to build up a relationship with your step mother, talk to her about him, she is the one caring about you and, of course, to your father, I don´t trust your boyfriend, and you need to know you are protected and taken care off. You cannot lose anything for giving a try, if she get closer, good, if she doesn´t, nothing has changed but at least, you have tried, you are old enough now to take steps of adult and make mature decisions.
This is something that will go to the marrow of your bones but you need to work on this to build up a healthy emotional body, talk to your father and let him know how much you love him and how much you miss him, I know you have done it many times, but this time I want you to make a difference, I want you to open your Heart as the woman that you are becoming that has the blessing to count with her father in her life, talk to him, from the depths of your Heart, he needs to get to know who you really are and how his absence has impacted you and is impacting you right now, this way he will be eyes open and at least, will have to think about it for a while. Don´t expect anything from him different from what you have had already and let him know that you don´t want him to change, just that you want to show him how important he is for you and how much you love him, Thank God.
While reading this, you may look inside and outside of yourself looking for the guidance, the love, the mercy, the strength and the compassion you need to do all of this and to move forward, you know where to go,...there is only one answer to this, God, He is always waiting for you to come to Him to get closer to you, to guide you and to show you all His Attributes, as a sign of pure Love and Mercy towards you, Thank God.
Go to your roots and if you are not used to pray, do it, look for Light and for guidance, talk to God about your worries, your struggles, your problems, ask Him for guidance, acknowledge His Power over all and praise Him(swt) for being always for you, Thank God. Pray to God consciously with your Heart in your Hand and you will see how many things in your life begins to change, if God allows it.
Once you do this, a change will come to your life due to the security that you are loved and respected unconditionally beyond any reason for the One that brought you to this Life, then you won´t need to reassure yourself through any other human being, you will be strong enough to shine and see the Path you want to walk on, if God gives His permission. At this point, you will be ready to be seen by the person that will share his life with you for the fact of being with you sharing your life, if God allows it.
I trust you will do your best, already you have felt the call of doing something to improve your life, coming to us looking for advice shows it, then I believe you will have the strength to move forward in your life, melting all this obstacles with God´s Help and being able to focus on what is important for you right now, yourself, family and your studies.
If you have spare time, try to practice some sports or join groups where you can find interesting people and learn about subjects that has always attracted you, now it is the moment to rediscover who you are, beyond all this emotional veils that have had you stuck for quite a long time in your life.
You are christian, you should keep the right etiquette as christian, then this will help you to mantain yourself far from this boy, too. If someone wants you in a straight way, will look for you in a straight way, as you said this boy is just using you, when you begin to feel love and respect towards yourself, noone will be able to abuse you in anyway, if God allows it.
I hope this helps, if you want me to go deeper or to explain something to you, just let me know please.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
All really amazing advice ma-sha-Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Melody,
Maria really gave excellent advice. Do read her answer carefully.
You didn't say much about your relationship with your dad, except that he's not around much. Is this something you can talk to him about? Not about your boyfriend, but I mean that you need him to be around more, and to spend more time with you?
I'll tell you a harsh truth. Sometimes the people we have around us in life who should support and encourage us, don't, or aren't there for us. So we have to do three things:
1. Become our own supporters.
2. Seek good, positive friends.
3. Find things that we love in life that make us happy.
The first point is critical. You already know that this boyfriend is bad for you, but you seem to lack the self-esteem to break it off with him. You titled your post by saying that you are useless. Of course if you don't value yourself, then you won't take care of yourself.
I'm going to write some affirmations for you, and I want you to copy them down and read them to yourself every morning and every night (feel free to change them to suit your needs). You might not believe them at first, but just try it. Over time they will reprogram your subconscious and will help you make the changes you need:
1. I am an intelligent, worthwhile woman. I respect and value myself.
2. I have power only over myself and the changes I make in my life. I do not have the power to change anyone else. I cannot make anyone like, love, respect or believe in me. But anyone who does not, is not worthy of my time and attention.
3. I acknowledge that I have feelings for "X". But I must admit that he is not en emotionally healthy man, and is not good for me. I am ready to separate myself from him, and to find someone who will treat me with kindness and love as I deserve.
4. I am letting go of unhealthy attachments that have kept me stuck in place. I am moving forward in life.
5. I am patient, strong and well balanced.
6. I take whatever happiness comes my way each day, each moment, and allow myself to enjoy it fully.
7. I embrace change and growth.
8. I am constantly growing stronger spiritually, personally, mentally and physically.
9. I am a part of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. I have a right to be here. My existence has meaning and purpose.
10. I am worthy of love.
11. I am on the road to happiness. I have a bright future ahead of me.
12. I love life.
If you have some specific joys or talents, then add those. For example, my own affirmations include:
* I am a talented martial artist, committed to practicing regularly and improving my skills for life.
* I am committed to exercising every day. I do this in gratitude to Allah for the gift of health, and because it feels good, and so I will be strong and healthy for my family.
* I am a talented writer with an important contribution to make.
* I am an excellent student. I excel in any area that I put my mind to.
These affirmations remind me of what is important to me, and where I should focus my efforts. They keep me working at the things I believe in. So I suggest that you write similar ones that reflect your own talents and hopes.
As for the other two points that I mentioned (seeking good friends, and finding things in life that make you happy), I think they are self-explanatory. Life is too short to spend it with people who degrade you and cut you down. Surround yourself with positivity, and do what you love.
Take care of yourself.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I wanted to add that I'm honored that you chose to trust us to advise you, even though we are Muslim and you are not.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Wael,
Can I email you directly about something? I believe you already have my email address. It has to do with privacy issues regarding my posts and username. You should know about it. Thanks.
Precious Star.
Yes, go ahead and send me an email.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Peace be unto u melody... 1st i must confence dat we are really honored 4 u coming here 2 seek advice from us.. I absolutely agree with what maria nd wael opined b4 me... I just wanna say some thing 2 u but i hope u wont feel disgust (its just btw me nd u).. Why not u ask ur friend 2 geniunly tell u more about islam... U know is good 2 seek 4 knowledge ( irrespective of what ever kind it may be)... Ask her 2 give u a copy of d quran(koran) dat comes along with english translation nd commentry nd try 2 go through it so dat u may judge 4 ur self.. And any question on any matter u feel like asking, or u need guidiance on ur research, don't hesitate 2 come 2 us here. U are ever wellcomed... . . . . . . .moh'd
dear Melody,
hi,
welcome to the group.
what you are feeling is not something unusual and certainly you are not the only one going through it.it will make you feel a little better and not so lonely and useless , when you know that there are other who are or were in your situation. i have been through a bit that you are going through just now.
my father is not alive any more, so i cant tell him that how much i love him and how much his guidance i needed in many matters.when he was alive i hardly spoke to him and always thought he hates me and is not concerned about me.but passively i learned a lot from him. so my dear friend , life has given you a chance to talk to him, you dont want to directky say that you miss him , but you can certainly start talking to him in general and take his advice in different matters of life , this way he will feel that he is important to you and you value him and need his guidance. so , do it my dear before its too late.!
secondly this man in your life. he is not making you happy. ofcourse you love him , but what he is doing to you in return is not love, love is when you feel wanted and cared for and feel secure and happy. you are certainly not getting any of this from him. may be he is nice to you at times but what you have described above does not show characteristics of a man who loves a woman. tell him clearly that you feel not loved by him and that you deserve better. than start moving away from him , dont just keep waiting to see him or talk to him. keep looking forward rather than looking towards him. if he loves you he will come after you, if he doesnt come after you that just means it was a temporaray attachment and attraction between two people . good thing is it will fade away . just trust me on this it will fade away. and dont worry God will look after you broken heart.
pay attention to your self . love yourself. tell yourself that you ahve been hurt and you will be kind to yourself. first act of kindness you can do to yourself is to forgive yourself for all your shortcomings ( being useless, being in love with a man who doesnt love you back, not haaving a fatherfigure in your life etc) tell youself that you have been in tough situations and you did whatever you thouight was best at that time. sometimes we make wise decisions and sometimes foolish. for wise decisions pat yourself and thank God, for foolish ones learn the lesson to be even more wiser next time.
thats life dear , you are young fit and healthy, fully capable of making a difference atleast in your life if not any others.
May Allah be with you in this rough part of your life, Allah says in Quran with every hardship comes ease.so trust him , your ease is waiting for you , but you need to move toward to grab it. so go girl, go for it !
I have christian friends and sometimes i go to church with them and learn one or two good points to ponder from the sermons. may be you can also find few points in all the replies to you.
take care.
Dear Melody,
You've been given some amazing advice by Maria and Wael. I also want to say that I feel honoured that you chose to write to this website although you are not Muslim. It is so very nice to see that you who have not been negatively affected by the media's propaganda against Islam.
You are clearly an intelligent young woman who has a mind of her own. What you are going through with your boyfriend is a difficult and painful experience, but one that can make you so much stronger. Because of this experience, you will learn to push yourself to your limits and speak to your parents in a way that you have not done before. You will learn to hold down your feelings for this boy because you know he is not worthy of your love. You will open your heart to all because you are a good person but through this experience, you will also learn to safeguard and protect your heart too.
Set some standards for yourself based on your religious principles. Then everytime you are faced with a situation, stick to those like glue despite the pain and you will see results.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu alaykum,
Sister, when you are not a Muslim and you seek advice from Muslims than their advice "should" be based on Islam. And is Islam there is nothing like girl friend or boy friend.
If you like someone, you marry either marry that person or totally abstain from unnecessary contact.
What is Islam about?
Islam in short is about believing in God (Allah) as the One God for all. Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) as His Messenger who was given The Qur'an as His Final Message to mankind.
If you believe in this Message. You ought to do as I wrote above.
If you cling on to your own faith, our "Islamic" advices may not convey much depth and meaning as well as application in your life. Still, if you are among non - Muslims, than choose the person who is the best among them (in terms of goodness) and marry him. But again I repeat, without Islam in life, honestly, I doubt if any Muslim would be able to give proper problem solving advice.
105. Lo! We reveal unto thee the Scripture with the truth, that thou mayst judge between mankind by that which Allah showeth thee. And be not thou a pleader for the treacherous;
106. And seek forgiveness of Allah. Lo! Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.
107. And plead not on behalf of (people) who deceive themselves. Lo! Allah loveth not one who is treacherous and sinful.
108. They seek to hide from men and seek not to hide from Allah. He is with them when by night they hold discourse displeasing unto Him. Allah ever surroundeth what they do.
109. Lo! ye are they who pleaded for them in the life of the world. But who will plead with Allah for them on the Day of Resurrection, or who will then be their defender?
110. Yet whoso doeth evil or wrongeth his own soul, then seeketh pardon of Allah, will find Allah Forgiving, Merciful.
111. Whoso committeth sin committeth it only against himself. Allah is ever Knower, Wise. - Surah Nisaa.