Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I found out my husband secretly married after our first anniversary…..

Salam waleikum, Please help me at least with advice.

Im living in the UK and married someone from Pakistan. Who I met throgh the friend. We married with both of our families approval. We had issues, because he was a bit secrety but he blamed me to be a paranoid.

Shortly after we got married he applied visa regarding our marriage. He received the visa and after just 2 weeks he got a news as his mother is `very ill`, so he went to visit them. He came back and had a lock on his phone, all my photos disappear from his phone and he kept his phone always in his pocket even he went to the toilet.... I asked him why.-again, im paranoid.. One night 4 oclock he got a message on urdu what i do not speak but the end was` I love you`I confronted him again, he said it is from his sister...

Time pass and exactly one year time his mother got `very ill` again so he had to go again, but instead of rushing he started to shopping for presents... He went and came back. Days gone.

After about 2 weeks from he back one morning he left his phone at home. Called me with panic in his voice, if i can bring the phone to him or if not just leave it home... My mind said something else.. So I took his phone with me to work, and messages started to coming by urdu, i didn not understand, after mix english and urdu.-`miss you, vorries for you`.. I tried to see the number but he changed his security code. So, i had no option than wait.. and the phone started to ringing, ringing... finally I managed to pick up quickly. nobody answered my question... ring again, i picked up and said hallo, when an angry female voice ask me who I am. I asked back who are you and who do you want to speak? She said, she wants to speak her husband because she is his wife and who am I. I said, I'm his wife.....

Anyway turned out, my husband been engaged with this woman since 2 years before we married and on his first visit his family forced (i dont know if it is true) him to marry with her. I confronted him, he denied first but i called her and put on speaker... so there was no way to deny anymore... but he did not confess any details until i proved it... so much argument, i got in the hospital few times, I had nightmares, panic attacks, extremely high blood pressure and so on...

The other female and all her family knew, he is married with me (for 14 month on time of their acting) as our wedding picture was on the facebook. She is treating me and my family, she tries to black mailing me, begging me to deport my husband .. My husband family do not speak with him since it came a light( I do not understand why, they approved our marriage too.., Apart from me, everybody knew everithing...)

I am very confused, I dont know what to believe.. I feel disappointed, betrayed! The all blame as im too paranoid... I feel he stolen something from me.... my trust, my life... Do my husband just use me for his right to stay in UK? Was he really forced to marry with her? Does he care me at all? Shall I stay with him, or really do what the stupid woman insisted to deport him? Is their marriage valid even I didnt give my concern?

Thanks if you read and give me some advice!


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10 Responses »

  1. Sister, I was in a similar situation to you, except my husband isn't married to the woman from Pakistan he cheated on me with. The exact build up to you finding out was almost the same how I did as well. I still can't get over the devastation and I'm still tortured by it to this day. I wish I could offer you consolation of this but I'm still struggling even though it happened over 2 years ago.

    My advice to you is, what is your heart telling you? Do you still want to be with this man? Was there any positive feelings between you? Can you forgive him for this deception?

    From my outlook after reading this it sounds exactly as you say. That you were used for a visa. I speak from experience, my first marriage was to my cousin who only had interest to come to UK. My current marriage however bit more complex, I don't think my husband has any interest here but it feels like his family forced him to marry me because my in laws have an unholy obsession with money, and treat my husband like a bank account. I'm still with him, I don't know why maybe for the sake of our son and unborn child.

    Have your own family been involved? Do they know what happened? Perhaps you need some time away from your husband and think things through. Your husband needs to get his priorities straight and decide what he wants, if his answer is a visa tell him to get one himself not ruin your life to do it. Situations like this always make me so angry and upset for some of these men to have that mentality that they can use us UK girls this way.

    If you manage to face your husband after spending some time away from him. Have a good thorough talk with him, ask him for the whole truth so that you can see the situation he's in. It doesn't seem to be clear whether he was forced to marry this other woman but since she's from his home country we can only assume he's known her longer and we don't know her situation and why was he forced to marry her etc. About the validation of his marriage, you could ask for proof of his Nikkah Nama and see when the wedding took place that will decide whether the marriage is validated or not, how can we tell who he married first? I don't quite know the Islamic rulings when a man takes another wife but some scholars have said it has to be with the first wife's permission. This information isn't for sure though, perhaps someone from here or a local Imaam can give you accurate information. In Shaa Allah.

    When you decide to have the talk with him, listen with an open mind don't get angry and upset although you have every right to be. This is why I recommend time away from him so that you can have time to calm the anger and upset. Divorce is a last resort for you if he comes up with answers that aren't acceptable to you. If he can't be honest with you now after hiding this from you how can you trust him in the future? If need be have a trusted family member sit with you to have a talk with him.

    Sister I hope you can move on from this, with or without him. May Allah guide you.

    • Hi,
      Thanks for your answer.
      I gave him opportunity to be honest, but he just comfess what I proove... There was no proper marriage, there is no marriage certificate, there was no sex with this woman etc.. in fact I got his marriage certificate, i got the photos and videos of that marriage and in fact the bitch got pregnant........ She was treating me and my family for a long time.... She tried to get visa too lol
      I dont think I ever can forgive the betrayal. But I dont want him just to get away with it.... I want him to feel the same way as I did. I will official never agree to divorce! and he will pay every dropps of my tears! You will hear the story because after all I will sell to magazins..... So everybody know and europian who been used for the visa as we, can do the same what I will...
      I cant concentrate on my job and cant live my life, because I am thinking of it every single day in the las 11 month. He doesnt want to leave me, because he still have no IRL..... and I promiss he will never have!

      • I can totally understand that you want him to suffer but it is not in our Islamic nature to do that. Allah wills everything that happens in our lives and Allah is testing you. I am a hypocrite for saying these things as I have left offering Salaat and reading Qur'an. I am struggling with my marriage as we speak, and just have lost hope in me being happy.

        But going through this website and seeing other people with marriage problems and relating to what I'm going through has helped me ease the pain somewhat.

        Anyway, are you saying he has asked for divorce before he even has ILR? That would mean he would have to go back to Pakistan and that should be the end of that. I know it may seem a huge waste of time and money and not to mention the love you gave him. But sister you've been through enough mental abuse why delay what you can end now? I'm not encouraging a divorce even though that is the logical thing to do seeing as you're unhappy and probably don't want anything to do with him now that he is expecting a child with this other woman. You have every right to be happy. But does he make you happy? Do you still want him in your life? Why are you enduring that woman who treat you and your family horribly?
        Now that Britain has left EU they're even making immigration harder not just for Europeans but for International immigrants too. Your husband will have no case the behaviour he has caused, so are you awaiting for his visa to expire? I had to laugh when you said the other woman's trying to get a Is it magically going to appear? There's absolutely no way for her to get here unless your husband gets a British passport and that's going to take a long while.

        Let me tell you I contacted the British Embassy in Pakistan myself and begged them not to let my ex come to UK I explained the whole situation and they managed to deny his visa at that time. They even put a permanent block on his file ensuring he would never enter the UK. However he got engaged to another UK girl (asylum seeker) before he granted me my divorce and he is in UK now only because he changed his DOB. Thank Allah he lives 300 miles away. But I have let it go and let him have his life, from what I have heard his in laws treat him like a slave so that is Allah's justice for me.

        So what I am saying is if there is no chance of you and your husband having a relationship and happy marriage then make him go back. If that other woman is indeed pregnant then it puts him in a difficult situation that he may not choose to ever divorce the other. Why help his case in keeping him longer in UK?
        If you plan not to help him get his ILR then I suggest you hide all the relevant paperwork that he will need to help his application. But you could do what I did and instead of the British Embassy in Pakistan just contact Home Office and explain the situation. That is if you want him out.

        With all do respect I think you should decide on whether to make the marriage work or not. Despite my current husband's betrayal I forgave him for the sake of our son and he promised it would never happen again. Can you accept your husband depsite the fact he is expecting a child with another?
        Normally I couldn't encourage divorce but it's painfully clear of this man's intentions that he's tolerating being with you for the sake of coming to UK. You should move on, you don't deserve to be torturing yourself to the point it affects your work and everyday life. Let Allah do His work and bring justice, I'm sure for all that your husband and the other woman put you through Allah has a plan for them, even though you can't see it yet.

        I hope some of what I said was helpful.

        • It seems both of you are talking about "how to take revenge" rather than "how to solve problem and move ahead in life " ...

          • abc, where have I encouraged revenge? I am advising our sister on what to do if she wants to leave him without the need for revenge. She has said she doesn't want to help him with his 'indefinite leave to remain' visa which is the next step for an immigrant wanting to stay in UK.
            I would like more than anything for the sister to be happy, if she can make it work with her husband then it is good but from what she has written his intention is nothing more than to stay in UK.

            I've seen it happen a thousand times to many girls in UK. Men (some I suppose not all) who are already married from Pakistan manage to come to UK on a working visa or a student visa then they manage to trap themselves a girl from any religion/culture, marry them, get their British passport then divorce them and start the process to call their wives over or any other family. Now the Home Office have caught on and changed the rules such as the duration of their spouse visa which makes them more likely to stay in the marriage. However now that they are aware that some men do this the men from Pakistan are now trying to find themselves respectable Pakistani families to get themselves arranged into. I am not saying this is the actual case for the sister but I am speaking from what I have seen for myself. This happened to my aunt who has married 3 times to different men from Pakistan and every single one left her as soon as they got their British Passport. How can one have so much misfortune on the same subject?

            I have stated from my situation that Allah has done me justice with my ex. All I did was prevent him from coming to UK. Allah Willed everything else thereafter.

  2. Salaam

    Polygamy is only allowed if the husband is fair to both wives and is sure he can be. This man is already unfair since he lies and deceives. So for him, polygamy should not be allowed but you can talk to somebody who is learned.

    But to me, it proves that there is really no marriage to save. A marriage is a pact, a trust. This man obviously doesn't see that, and is sinning both in being unjust and in being a liar and a deceiver. Is this a man to protect you and have guardianship over you?

    To save ones marriage only because one fears being alone is maybe going from the ashes into the fire.

    Look at your husband. Is this the man who has proven himself to be the kind of man Allah would want to protect you and to be the father of your children?

  3. What happened to you is unfair but not new. In fact, marrying two women and keep them secret from each other is common in many societies.

    You still love your husband. That is why you are "confused". Otherwise you would leave him straight away. There might be many reasons behind why he did so. May be he used you to stay permanently in UK, may be he married you to save himself from loneliness. May be he is hyper-sexual. may be one woman is not enough for him. There would be may reasons.

    But these "reasons" are minor issues. The main factor you have to consider is "reason to be together". You have to consider , if he loves you enough, if he takes care of you enough, if he is the person of right mentality, if he is the person who can easily make you happy. If he is the right person, then he is worth to live with. Still if you do not want to share your husband with anyone, then you always have an option to leave him.

    You did not find the existence of the other wife from your husband's behavior. That means he have right amount of love and care for you. Just understand the difference between man and woman love. Woman always loves 100% and give this all to one man at a time. Whereas it is possible for a man to give his true love to 4 women (25% each). It is possible for a husband to equally love two wives. So, there is no need to panic and get hospitalized. Just discuss with him, if needed , discuss with the other wife. Find out if you can live with your husband. If not, you have always an option to leave.

    The only Islamic question you asked is - If the other marriage valid without your consent. Unfortunately, it is valid. and that point can not save you in anyway. Alternation of certificate, such as, illegally changing a date is very easy in a corrupted country like Pakistan. If the other wife can produce any document to prove her marriage was earlier than your's then your marriage could be questionable.

    Just, discuss and live with him (with both party compromise) or leave him - all peacefully

    • I think we must be pragmatic and true. Even the Prophet PBUH did not LOVE his wives equally, Aisha RA was more loved than the other wives in polygamy, and before that Khadijah RA was more loved than Aishah.

      We have been told in clear words that no man can control what is in his heart, and hence equal love is not possible in polygamy, which is why it is not an obligation. So we should not try to sell a sugar coated version of this!

      Neither is it true that a women can only give 100% love or none at all, but that is a different issue.

      We must also remember that the OP lives in the UK. Polygamy is illegal there.

  4. Salam Vanessa,

    I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm going to try to piece together what possibly happened based on what you're saying:

    1) His other wife wants him deported or for her to come there.
    2) His own family is no longer talking with him.
    3) His family knew about your marriage to him.

    Possible situation: He had a two year engagement with this woman with the idea that he's going to get married to her. An opportunity arose with you where he could possibly get married to you. So he took that opportunity and married you. He didn't just do it for the visa but also because he gets you as a wife to enjoy and to be with.

    For his parents to be upset right now even though they knew you two got married would mean that he told them that that marriage was just for show so he could gain a visa. So then they would've have gone to the other girl's parents and repeatedly reassured them that their son isn't married, he's only married on paper.

    After he gets his visa he goes back, gets married again and now comes back here. His other wife knows he's married there but thinks it's just a paper marriage. It's very possible just like he's telling you that there's nothing going on with that wife, he's possibly told her the same thing.

    You pick up the phone and answer as his wife and go through a three way call so he can't deny it. His other wife then knows that it's not a paper marriage and you're his actual wife. She then tells her family what he did. They tell his family what he did and because his family had to vouch for him and he lied to them, they would no longer be willing to speak to them. He ruined his family's reputation and this affects any other siblings getting married because now his parents are considered untrustable so they're not happy with him at all.

    As for the other wife, her situation is that she is pregnant with his child. She was probably told that he was only here to get a visa with a paper marriage, not that he's actually married and enjoying you as his wife. So just as you are upset, she is upset, and her options are to either divorce and possibly never get married again or stay with him. In that culture there is a small market for those that are divorced with a child; so she asks that you send him back or that she come there so that she can watch him and get what she was promised which was a husband only devoted to her. Her situation is worse in that she's pregnant and women don't easily get remarried there due to the market.

    This was just a possible scenario I thought of that fits the data, I hope it helps, and I'm sorry you're going through this. I recommend divorcing him so that he can be with his other wife. The trust is broken and you need that to run a relationship and it doesn't seem like he's trying to be trustworthy but gaslighting instead. I would advise counseling or to talk to someone closer to the situation if you were pregnant but since you're not, it may be better to cut your loses and move on. I hope that you get a better man in the future.

    • One other thing, it is possible that his motive to get married to you was real and he was forced to marry this other girl since his parents had already agreed that they would and he lied to his parents saying it's a paper marriage in the UK in order to marry you. I just don't know, it's just speculation on my end without really knowing what happened.

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