Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I happily married whoever my mum wanted me to now I feel suicidal

asian bride nikah

Salaam,

Last year I found out that I was engaged to a boy in my family, which was very exciting news for me. This is the very same person who I would mention to my mother if I talked to her about my marriage. Recently, I went to Pakistan for 3 months last year in the Summer for my brother's wedding. However, there were some problems due to my mother felt it was best to do nikah with this person. I did not mind since I was never bothered who I would get married with and would happily agree with anyone my mother chose for me.

However, coming back from Pakistan to UK, I felt quite sad and this was because of the sudden change of atmosphere. I got use to it. But just after a month or two, I started getting this weird feelings about it, unsure of what it was I ignored it for a while. I continued talking to him since he was now my husband.

But now it has come to the point where I get scared, hyperventilate about my marriage to him and what it would be like in the future. I often find myself having sleepless nights thinking about this, and sometimes crying myself to sleep. I just cannot give this feeling a name to find the cure for it. Instead I turned to Allah to find reassurance and serenity in my heart which works, until my mind goes on the topic again. I do not understand nor do I know what to do.

A self-conscious person as I am this frightens, as I seem to think the best way to alleviate this pain and save everyone the trouble of facing any difficulties because of me is to kill myself. I cannot help this thought, and I know very much that Allah dislikes this thought and act very much. I have talked to several people about it and even my mother, who says not to worry and read Durood shariff and turn to Allah. I do not really have any stress, or pressure being put on me as this marriage or bidding off will not take place until a few years. Since I am the youngest in my family I do not want to do anything that will my family's name to shame. I know he is a good boy and everything I saw him when I went to Pakistan. But I am starting to think that there is no understanding between us, this is strange because I did not feel like this when I was there, I told my friend who said it was because we were far away. But I cannot help to feel that it is something more than that.

When we talk he seems to think that I have no time for him, when I have told him time and time again that it is not that, it is because of time differences. I told him at some point the way I feel which only seem him to cause more pain and broken hearted. I do not understand what is going on. Is it just me? Or is this some kind of hint from Allah suggesting that the marriage will not work out? Or is it shaytaan playing with my head. Please give me some help, I do not what to do, I often some myself from doing things that will hurt my mother, and some unintentionally I seem to hurt people without really know what I did.

Please give me suggestions, I am confused at the moment, and I am on the verge to do something stupid to myself, yet I cannot at the same time because I know Allah will hate me even more and I will go to straight to hell. I don't understand what to anymore, I have done Tasbeeh's, prayed Nafil's, done Istikhara and prayed to Allah. But I feel that I work to feel reassured before I start talking to him again, because I cannot seem to do that without feeling anxiety, but then on the other hand, I have the duty to speak to him since he is my husband. When I told my mother she seems to get worried, but I cannot stand a tear in her eye because of him, and then I start to curse myself and wish that I cease to exist.

May Allah grant you all a place in Paradise, with the help you do on this site for people who are troubled and concerned with their worries. I pray that you all have a peaceful, blessing life filled with happiness, prosperity , with the knowledge and wisdom of Allah  (SWT). I deeply pray that all of your sins are forgiven and you are given one of the highest places in paradise on the day of resurrection.

Jazakallah

~NeedMotivation


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4 Responses »

  1. As salamu alaykum, my beloved sister,

    Masha´Allah, you sound very young and innocent, may Allah(swt) help and guide us towards Him.

    You are reacting to an future unknown for you, in three months your whole life has changed, now you are a married woman, an unknown person has entered in your life, you owe him all the respect and the commitment of a married woman, but he is not close to you to help you to melt all these new feelings of insecurity and the uncertainty of what would be your life together, all of this, it is giving you anxiety episodes.

    There is nothing wrong with you, the normal way would be to be with him putting the foundations of your marriage, but you are under a different process, you are married and far away from your husband, you cannot think anymore just about yourself, all your thoughts come filtered by the fact that you are already married and you have to act and count on him, even without his physical presence around.

    I would try all the natural ways to improve my emotional/psicological health before going to the doctor, but if you feel you cannot handle the pressure and you keep having negative thoughts, go to the doctor better today than tomorrow. This is just a temporary imbalance due to the new situation, insha´Allah, you will be better before than you can imagine.

    I would recommend you to pay special attention to your diet, eat, eat and eat, five times a day, good quality food (cereal, animal and vegetable protein, vegetables, fruit, nuts), your food will become your blood and your blood will nurture your whole body and mind, we want healthy thoughts, before eating remember to say, Bismillah and after Alhamdulillah. No caffeine, no dark tea, not too much sugar or chocolate.

    Make the commitment to do some exercise daily, at least, walking 40 minutes a day and I mean walking, this will lift a big weight from your shoulders, when the thoughts come to you, just focus on your walking, when your thoughts comes again to you, concentrate again on your walking, working this way, you will train your mind on being here and now, insha´Allah.

    Before going to bed take some nice relaxing tea, take your time to drink it, remember, Bismillah, Alhamdulillah. I mentioned to someone before, the orange blossoms water that is used in arab cuisine to make desserts, take a little spoon, just a little bit when you see you are feeling disturbed, better if you know the signs, at the begining, insha´Allah, this will comfort you.

    Insha´Allah, avoid spices that will excite you and enhace all that relax you.

    You know yourself pretty well, do activities that will bring you Peace and will connect you to who you are, beyond the bonds you have stablished with your husband. You are still who you are, that hasn´t changed what did you like before going to Pakistan?, that is still there and Insha´Allah, to bring it forward will reconnect you with situations that gives you security, you need to know that the floor is still under your feet, not all has changed, Alhamdulillah, but you need to know it consciously, this insha´Allah will help you.

    Don´t pressure yourself too much on extra prayers, do your salat consciously, but don´t overwhelmed yourself praying at all hours, insha´Allah, you will know when it will be necessary to do more than you already do.

    Smile, smile and smile, insha´Allah, this will relax your Heart . Love your loved ones, don´t feel shy on showing how much you love them and ask for love from them if you need it, be open with the ones you can be, Insha´Allah, this will comfort your Heart too.

    Ameen to your prayer, sister and I make it mine to you.

    All my Unconditional Love and Support,
    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Maria, I think I need to take some of your dietary advice. Is it tried and tested by you? :O)

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • As salamu alaykum, Sister Z,

        These are just general recomendations, but they are very helpful when we are under the effects of an stressful situation, one of the first aspects affected is our eating habits and this will affect our health directly, we forget to eat, we eat too much, we eat unbalanced(sweets, stimulants like coffee to keep going,...), then taking care of it consciously, help us to take the helm of our physical lives and this will create a wave that Insha´Allah will tell our whole being that we are making our best to have the situation under control and move the ship in the direction we want it to move.

        Yes, I have tested it myself.

        I hope this helps.
        Wasalam,
        María
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. When I ever I have these disturbing thoughts, this recitation of the Quran in a beautiful voice always calms me down. I listen to it before sleeping, but really you can listen to it anytime. I have it in mp3 player and I love it. It is beautiful. Maybe you should try playing this in your home out loud.

    LINK: (Right Click and "Save as..")

    http://www.kalamullah.com/Quran/Ruqya_CD_-_Yahya_Hawaa.mp3

    Good Luck sister! Please let us know with an update how you are doing!

    Here's another link to a dua book that is helpful in stressful times, titled "Remedies from the Holy Quran"

    Link: https://docs.google.com/open?id=0BxipppsWl7hXVVFKNjZjMTZUZTJ3b1VidDBLTEJOQQ

    Good Luck.

    MuslimBro

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