Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I hate being attracted to women, and have sworn to Allah that I will never get married



Young Syrian women talking in mosque courtyard


Asalaamualaykum everyone,

I hope you are all doing well. I will get straight to my point.

I am an 18-year-old male and don't ever want to get married. I want to be celibate. I'm so serious about this that I have swore an oath by Allah that I won't ever get married. I did not decide this in the spur of the moment, and I decided that I would not marry many years ago. So please do not tell me that I will want to marry in the future.

The major challenge I have in this regard is my high libido. It's way too high. Unfortunately, I'm addicted to masturbating, though I am trying my best to leave it and InshaAllah I will. But I hate my sexual desires. I do not care a bit that it might be "natural" and that Allah gave me these desires. I hate being sexually attracted to women. I hate wanting sex so much.

I'm not traumatized or anything. Alhamdulillah my life is normal. I just believe that these desires are evil and abnormal for me. I wish I could kill my attraction to women, but I realize it's impossible, so the only thing I can do is try my best to ignore it and eventually with time, the desires will get buried as I get busy with life in general. Sometimes my mind just keeps switching between not feeling guilt for being attracted to women and feeling like a monster for doing so.

It's so hard living in this hypersexualized world. There are beautiful women everywhere, yet I can't be with them. I hate being attracted to women because of this. I hate thinking so much about girls and sex all the time. I know I have to lower my gaze and Alhamdulilah, I lower my gaze more and more nowadays and I know I have to stop sexualizing and objectifying women, because it's bad for me to be attracted to women.

This is one reason I don't want to marry, namely that I hate my desires and attraction. I also want to focus intensely on my future career and ambitions. I want to stay away from women in general, as Allah Himself commanded us through his Prophet (PBUH) to avoid free mixing and interacting needlessly with the opposite gender.

I'm happy with my decision not to marry, despite the fact that these urges are frustrating me badly. I know as I get older, I will stop caring about sex and women in general. But I want to know how I can live a happy and fulfilling life without ever marrying? I know I can and I do have an idea of a few things I can do, such as doing lots of good deeds, playing video games all the time, working all the time on career, but I need more practical advice.

Again, please don't waste time telling me to marry.


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23 Responses »

  1. As salam o alaikum. Long back ago i was having similar thoughts like u but my brother the plan that u have will probabaly never work. This is duniya and attraction for women will only end in one scenario and that is if ur shaytan is removed from u and u know it is not possible. You are looking for the solution on one hand and on the other hand u rejected the solution in advance cuz , that is the only solution that exist. I want to ask you is there a solution of this problem in quran and hadith except for 1 solution marriage?? If u know plz let me know too. No matter what you think, u will keep on falling in the same sin over and over and plz dont think as u age u will come out of the issue. I am 35 and still i get stuck every now and then and finally i am going to marry this year Insha Allah. I am telling you with the experience brother. Sexual desires will piss u off frequently. If marriage can save u from disobeying Allah again and again then u must go for it. People who love and obey Allah will be ready to do anything even sacrifice their life to retain their ralatiinship with him. Afterall we beleivers desire to go to jannah and meet our lord. That will be the supreme triumph for us. InThe time we r living in, its almost imlossible to not have desires and commit sin since nudity is everywhere. The mistake i did ,i do not want anyone to do the same since there will sincere regret for the mistake. Brother do not mind but u know one thing, by saying that u will not mary u r indirectly saying that u will take minor steps to avoid disobeying Allah but u will not take the major step which is recommended by our Prophet PBUH. Do you think u will be able to succeed in ur plans on our own terms?? Keep asking Allah for the solution cuz no human, no doctor this earth can give any solution, i had sleepless nights and restless days just fighting my desires and it imlacted my day to day life badly, even my religious shedules were impacted. At the age of 35 i dont see much difference in my desires/attraction for opposite gender. It will be there, u have to have sincere jihad with ur nafs. Now its up to u wheather u decide to marry and restrict ur jihad for few years until u get married or wheather u want to be engaged in this fight throughout the life.May Allah help you my brother.

    • Wasalam brother, I have no choice except to suppress these desires and never get married. Marriage isn't for sex you know. The only solution for me is to suppress all the desires and feelings until death. I can't have what I want, so only thing I have to do is suck it up like a man and control these desires and wants.

  2. Assalamu
    Marriage is not a solution to Sexual desires rather a person have to consider if he’s in jail would those
    Desires come ? Sexual desires come to a person who lives alone in a room were whenever he went
    Out on a daily activity the desires won’t be there but the moment he’s back in his Room,House or Alone
    Then the Desires will over flow.

    1- each after Fard Salat you should recite Surah Al-iklas,Faraq,Nas 3Times And whenever you enter
    Your house Recite Surah Al-ikhlas 3times .

    2- said to Umm Salamah: ‘O Mother of the Believers! What was the supplication that the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said most frequently when he was with you?” She said: ‘The supplication he said most frequently was: “O Changer of the hearts, make my heart firm upon Your religion (Yā Muqallibal-qulūb, thabbit qalbī `alā dīnik).’” She said: ‘So I said: “O Messenger of Allah, why do you supplicate so frequently: ‘O Changer of the hearts, make my heart firm upon Your religion.’ He said: ‘O Umm Salamah! Verily, there is no human being except that his heart is between Two Fingers of the Fingers of Allah, so whomsoever He wills He makes steadfast, and whomever He wills He causes to deviate.’”
    يَا مُقَلِّبَ الْقُلُوبِ ثَبِّتْ قَلْبِي عَلَى دِينِكَ
    اللَّهُمَّ مُصَرِّفَ القُلُوبِ صَرِّفْ قُلُوبَنَا عَلَى طَاعَتِكَ

    3- اللَّهُمَّ صَلِّ وَ سَلِّمْ عَلَى نَبِيِّنَا مُحَمَّدٍ

    The Prophet ﷺ said: “When any one of you prays, let him begin by praising Allaah, then let him send blessings upon the Prophet ﷺ, then let him ask for whatever he wants.” (Tirmidhi, classed as saheeh by al-Albaani).

    Before you make any Prayer then you should Send Salam to Rasulullah and try as much as you can to send Sallam more than 500 a day and insha’Allah within short period of time you’ll have peace in your life.

    • I know marriage isn't a solution to sexual desires at all. Marriage isn't for sex at all. That's why I'm trying to suppress my desires.

  3. Salam,

    Women aren't your real problem, your real problem is that you take something small and blow it up. So you get horny and can't hold it in, not really a problem. Take care of business and move on. Fasting is recommended to cut down on desires.
    A lot of people can't fast that often so I would recommend you take care of business instead of having it build up to a point that you jump on someone. Eventually you will be able to get married, and not so far off in the future either. Your current virgin mindset is putting women on a pedestal. Once you get married, you will eventually get past that nice 1-2 year honeymoon period. Women won't be on a pedestal then. Then things wind down to being normal.

    Waiting to get married is like waiting for a movie sequel to come out. Avengers endgame was popular, people couldn't wait for it to come out. Google even did the snap on their search results. But now if you were to watch it every day how would you feel? Everything turns "yellow" as stated here:
    Know that the life of this world is but amusement and diversion and adornment and boasting to one another and competition in increase of wealth and children - like the example of a rain whose [resulting] plant growth pleases the tillers; then it dries and you see it turned yellow; then it becomes [scattered] debris. And in the Hereafter is severe punishment and forgiveness from Allāh and approval. And what is the worldly life except the enjoyment of delusion.


    • No brother, I will not eventually get married, nor in the near future or far future. And you really think I'm blowing it out of proportion? You think I'm not suffering from it every single day? What else am I supposed to do other than try to suppress these desires and suck it up like a real man? I'm not gonna have what I want, so what's the point of having these desires and feelings?

  4. I feel and have felt exactly the same way. Being attracted to women has only hurt me.

  5. Hey brother
    We have all gone through this. Hating ourselves our desires for women .beating ourselves up daily for them.its just so difficult .however I would agree with brothers who have commented. This is just the way we are.these desires continue to exist as u grow older.
    The best time of my life was when I was in control of myself.this is what we all would want right.yes so I managed to be in control in my early twenties . I was hitting the gym daily, used minimum internet , prayed on time and recited a lot of durood/salawat.
    U gotta build spiritual energy to control yourself.i know how hard this is but keep trying. The worst part which I feel is that whenever we men are stressed we are inclined towards pleasing ourselves etc and it makes us numb temporarily but makes us feel miserable.pls exercise daily

    • What am I supposed to do? Just suffer with these desires throughout my life while never having the opportunity to satisfy them all the while living in a hypersexualized world where you see the things you want but you can't have it because you're a Muslim?

      • Best way to deal with your nafs is to starve it. If you really want to be in control, eat less. Reduce your food intake. I was a. Mess in my teens but later, what also helped me was eating less. Try this. Or start intermittent fasting.

  6. Or make yourself so busy that you dont have time for all this.i once was working 12 hours plus a day. I was so tired by the end of the day that I would just sleep. Find higher purpose/goals and push yourself. This way you would also channelize your energy to meaningful things. Eventually things will get better.
    You feel bad becz as a man you know you can achieve big things in life. So write down a plan, commit to it. If you can't reduce your food intake, go to the gym and start lifting heavy weights (with trainer advice). Things will improve so much u will be back in control

    • Yeah I already workout. And I'm trying to set clear goals and plans to achieve them.
      But brother, you know all of that isn't gonna take away my biological urges which Allah has put in me. They aren't gonna go away that easily. Working Out will increase my libido even more. I don't know how I will deal with my urges till my death.

      • Asalamualaykum JRR,

        I understand where you are coming from. Every individual is unique but also the same. Not everyone wishes to marry and that's ok. But expect that if you do not marry, you will have the same challenges as others who don't marry. It's just common sense. You will have periods of loneliness, feeling unsupported, having to fight for yourself all the time, having to be the sole breadwinner, having others at work take advantage of you because they know you are single while they have know the drill.

        So I would try the advice of some of the above advisors. I mean, you did write here for advice, after all 🙂 Go to the gym, take long walks, fast or at least eat minimally, stay away from unhealthy foods that make you temporarily satisfied so that you will get more practice in controlling your desires. Sleep well but also pray Tahajjud when you can. Go to work, pick up extra shifts. Learn to divert your mind from bothersome things and feelings so that you do not dwell on them. Set high goals for yourself and do what you can to accomplish those goals. Choose time-consuming hobbies that leave little time for daydreaming.

        Allah knows his creation inside and out and He will not test you with anything that is too difficult for you to handle. So if the prospect of marriage is difficult to wrap your head around when most people live for it, then Allah knows that He created you that way. He will test you with other challenges. On the same token, don't be surprised if, while undertaking other endeavors, you come across someone who changes your mind.

        I also knew at an early age that I never wanted to marry...say, 7 years old. I now see Allah's wisdom in the nature that He gave me and the purpose behind my creation. People told me all the time that I would change my mind, and I will admit that I have been attracted to the opposite sex a few times...mostly intellectually, to the point where I did wish to marry the person. But I suppose that was never my most dominant feeling or it would have happened by now. I've overcome so many challenges in life with the help of Allah alone that well, someone would have to be making the quality of my life way better for me to sacrifice my solitude for them! I suspect you will be in the same boat one day, and it can be a rocky one. But occassionally, the wind stops blowing and there is a peace that can only be found when it's just you and Allah 🙂

        Best to you brother,


        • Walaikumassalam Nor,

          I know that I definitely don't ever want to get married. But a lot of times it's difficult to not get frustrated and insane due to my sexual urges whilst knowing that I'll never ever be able to satisfy this urge. I feel like there's absolutely nothing in this world that can satisfy this urge for sex other than having sex. But it's my path and destiny, so I just have to put up with it.

          • Salam,

            Yes well if you are certain you do not want marriage, you will have to fast as is recommended and learn how to cope. There’s a reason why marriage is Sunnah and it is a halal way to satisfy these desires. But if you know you don’t want to, then try to stay confident in that decision and recognize that you will have some emotional and physical suffering along the way. You will have to learn to sit with these feelings without acting upon them. The hood thing is that these feelings, while difficult, will not kill you. Also, please improve in your prayers and form a stronger relationship with Allah such that you trust His plans for you and accept His decree. Because as much as you don’t want marriage, you just never know what or who Allah has in store for you. Remember Allah is in control, not you. You have free will only.

        • Yes I do not want marriage, but as of right now I do want to have sex badly. Like really badly. Though I want to stop wanting sex this badly and eliminate it's importance in my life. The sexual frustration and urges are mentally killing me from inside.

          • Salam JRR,

            I understand. If you are having trouble coping with life or find yourself depressed because of this, it is in your best interest to seek counseling/therapy. They will help you process your feelings in a productive way. It doesn't hurt to try it. Also, you can talk to your doctor...there may be something you can take to minimize your desires a bit. I'm not familiar with that...just an idea.


        • Sorry for replying to your original comment, I am not seeing the reply option under your latest replies.
          Yeah I would ideally go to a therapist, counselor or a trustworthy Imam but the thing is I don't have access to professional help right now and won't any time soon due to some familial circumstances. I don't even have someone I can talk to about all this.
          Yeah there are drugs and medicines that lower desire, but they also have other side effects, like lowering testosterone, which I as a male do not want.
          I'm just too helpless. I don't know why I want sex this bad even though I know I will never have it.

          • JRR,

            I think you really may benefit from an anti-depressant…lowered libido is actually what might be for you a desirable side effect of SSRIs. I’m not a psychiatrist but take several psychiatric medications myself and can vouch for this. The antidepressant would help you with your fixation on sex as it helps with anxiety, addictions, and obsessions as well. There’s nothing to be ashamed of in taking them and it’s worth looking into.

            Also, I’m a little confused why you don’t think you will ever have sex. Just because you hate your desires? These desires are natural and part of what Allah gave each of us. I reckon you are quite young still and have an entire life to run into “your person” when you least expect it! Don’t underestimate Allah’s plans for you. Why not just keep an open mind about it?

        • Why I will never have sex? It just looks too hopeless. I couldn't satisfy this desire now, how can I do it later? The big reason, which I mentioned, is I just don't want to get married. I hate my sexual desires and my attraction to women. Plus, in Marriage, I won't really get what I want (Read my post again if you want to know what I'm talking about)

          • Asalamualaykum JRR,

            A number of people have advised you and we have already published your second post regarding your sexual frustration as well. InshaAllah you can find some comfort in the answers and I pray that Allah resolves this matter for you very soon. May Allah grant you ease.


      • Biological urges will stay, but will go down if you don't act upon them. . Just don't act upon those urges, that is, try not to squeeze one out. Things will happen the natural way I. E you will have wet dreams. Things will improve.
        Also fix any emotional troubles you've had in life. I realized I had a bad relationship with my father and I was socially very awkward. So I would resort to all this haram to distract myself.
        I decided to fix my emotional self by talking to my siblings, even went to a councellor. Maybe there's something bothering you too, work on that. I always noticed some of my happy friends in school had no such addictions. I tried to stay happy and even cut off ties with some of the toxic friends in my life who would hurt me.
        Also try practicing saying NO to yourself. For e.g, if you feel having tea, just say No and don't. Or you want to watch your favourite show on television, tell yourself no I won't do this today, maybe tomorow . Say no to a few things daily that you like. Keep practising this, and you will notice an increase in will power.

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