Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I hate his family – they treat me so badly

amnesia sleepy tired no energy tired mum


I'm a 24 year old convert and I'm getting married with my fiancé very soon.
Unlike other families who only get to bond after marriage, my fiancé wanted me to bond with his family before marriage. I thought it was harmless so I went along with it. My fiancé's direct family is quite big, and his folks are quite aged. Initially they were really nice and warm, I felt so loved and welcomed. As mentioned that his folks are quite old (60+) so I always thought it'd be nice to help with the house chores.

After 2 years or so, I felt like I was treated like a maid, his parents would always order me around and it's quite ridiculous when his siblings or in laws are also at home at the same time. For instance, if I was in the living room, his mom or dad would shout my name all the way from the kitchen (infront of their kids and in laws) just to ask me to do some unnecessary thing. They would also make me do things for the siblings and in laws. I'm not even married into the family yet.

I've been treating them with nothing but kindness and respect, I treat them like my own parents. My fiancé is always saying they are old, nobody cares about them, his siblings only care about the in laws and all. He gets me in such a political stand on the siblings do not care about his parents. Then another moment his siblings even some in laws have this thing going on like who cares for the parents most. It's a sick disease

I see them as my second family and I never thought that anyone would take advantage. Tbh I treat them better than my parents! I've sacrified my free time, my friends and even my family to make them my priority but I'm just nothing to them. They won't call me at all unless his mum needs something from me. Then recently his father would say quite mean things to me while his sisters would give me cold treatment, like they have something against me. I've also heard the things that they were saying behind me and my fiancé's back and they were awful, they made us sound like horrible people.

I tried telling my fiancé about it and initially he would stand up for me, but afterwards he just thinks I'm being over sensitive because his family would always be all nice infront of him. We would fight everytime now when I mention it. I AM SO MISERABLE! I used to be so happy and this family drama thing is sucking all the life and energy out of me. It is also affecting my relationship with my fiancé and I'm afraid this would scar our relationship.

I hate them so much and I just want to cut them off my life. I can't believe I even told my fiancé that I wanted to move in and take care of his parents before!

Any word of advice is really appreciated. Jazakallah khair

(ps this is not an arranged marriage)

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7 Responses »

  1. Salam sister, sorry to hear about your toxic in laws. Whatever you do please do not agree to live with them!!! Live close to them if u have to but not with them. I agreed to do the same out of the goodness of my heart and the horrible in laws literally used their power to end my marriage.

    I'm not really sure what advice to give, all I can say from experience is that me staying quiet while they bullied me nor being upfront about it helped. What I would suggest is be very diplomatic about it. Concentrate on making your husband happy, diplomatically explain that your finding things hard and don't feel respected nor appreciated. Make it very clear that you have no intention of living with in laws but will help out when you can. Also, islamically it is not your duty to take care of his parents - obviously it is good to develop a relationship with them but it seems like it's been a one sided effort.

    If you feel that there won't be any real improvement and your husband won't respect you much either then be careful about proceeding with the marriage. Quite often the in laws can really mess with a mans head and cause many problems if not divorce. It's their way of controlling their son.

    Perform istikhara, try to slowly distance yourself from the in laws and form boundaries so that your more in control of the situation and are not being abused into becoming their maid!

    • Dear Sister C,

      Congratulations for your reversion. I completely agree with Sister Bucks. This is due to our experience. Kindly take time and don't rush into marriage assuming that things will change post marriage. Be firm that you will take care of them but cannot move in the same place.

      Take care

  2. C: I'm a 24 year old convert and I'm getting married with my fiancé very soon.

    Well many people treat their daughter in laws like that in joint families. I don't think you can do much.

  3. Assalam alaikum,

    You have written that you have been mistreated for 2 years as soon-to-be-daughter-in-law of your fiancee's family. I am going to be as blunt as possible.

    Since you are not married to your fiancee, you are under no obligation whatsoever to him or his family. One would think that before marriage that they would actually put some effort into treating you well to even trick you to marry their son, but I guess they haven't had to resort to that because you have accepted their inexcusable behaviour! Please do not accept this.

    I suggest that you end this engagement. There is no engagement in Islam. Why are you at their house doing their work in the first place? This is unIslamic and I'm afraid that you being a new Muslim that you are vulnerable to these people misusing your innocence and unfamiliarity to their culture. Please get out of this. As a Muslim woman, I can tell you that this is NOT the way that Muslim woman should expect to be treated by her husband. In Islam, a wife does not have to live with her in-laws and is under no obligation to take care of his parents. If a couple chooses to live with the man's parents, that's a choice, but not to be imposed on the wife. Secondly, it is his responsibility to get up and help his parents or his sister's, but not you. If you do that out of kindness as the WIFE (but that isn't the case here), that is your choice. Of course, most reasonable women AND men would choose to help out her elderly in-laws along with her own parents too--but parents of the man do not have some kind of superiority over the parents of the wife. I think you are being manipulated here by a lot of culture and it's being sold to you under the guise of religion.

    You have a LOT to offer. You treat his parents with kindness, you are willing to do a lot for your husband and I fear that their mistreatment could be a means for shaitaan to use this waswasa against you and make you think ill of Islam. Please find someone who elevates your status and treats you as Muslim women deserve to be treated.

    His sisters' behaviour is not only unacceptable but strange. If your fiancee can't stand up for you now and believes you are the over-sensitive one, I think you need to wake up and see that he is the insensitive one. He is manipulating you because he sees the potential in using you as he likes. He will get a wife and house-maid all in one. Disgusting. It isn't going to get better after marriage, it will get worse.

    Just because you feel bad or hate them will not be reasons to provoke them into changing into better human beings without the drama. I do not know why you are staying in this situation. Even the fact that you have stayed in this situation for 2 years without Nikah doesn't make sense to me--why wouldn't he just marry you sooner and why take advantage of you by having you over ? Since your family is most likely non-Muslim and you don't have anyone to have your back, they are taking advantage of this.

    Seek out support in Muslims in your community and stop allowing others to abuse and misuse you. This is wrong.

    May Allah swt increase you in Imaan, help you to find support and aid you towards the right decision for you, Ameen, Thummah Ameen. I pray that you get happiness and peace, inn shaa Allah.

  4. As-salamu alaykum sister C,

    Only sister Saba has given you good advice. Get out of this relationship NOW. This man is not your husband. You owe him and his family nothing. In fact your living in that household is inappropriate from an Islamic point of view, since your fiance' is not your mahrem. And this has been going on for two years? SubhanAllah!

    I will attribute your actions to lack of understanding of Islam, because to be honest your choices have been bizarre. You have acted as an unpaid servant for two years, without even the benefit of marriage. You have taken on the role of a slave, so that's how his family has come to see you.

    I guarantee you that if you marry this man, the situation with his parents and siblings will only get worse. Don't marry this man. Walk away. Get out of the relationship and find someone who is willing to marry you and treat you with respect, in your own home, not acting as a servant to anyone.

    Wael Editor

  5. Assalam wa Alikum Sister

    Sorry to hear that you are in a bad situation right now. I also think that the best advise is from sister Saba and also brother Wael.

    I also want to suggest if you are in great difficulty that you contact SOLACE which is a charity for revert sisters in difficulty. They aim to "ensure that no revert sister goes through difficulties in her life unsupported, by providing the holistic support she needs to move forward and by enabling her to strengthen and maintain her faith and closeness to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala".

    They offer practical help such as accommodation if things goes really bad or if you need a place to stay. You can also see a trained sister in person for advice or support and/or receive this online. Their website is:

    I hope the website is helpful

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