Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I hate my life, myself, feeling hopeless, sad depressed.

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Asalaamu Aleykum brothers and sisters in Islam.

I dont know how to start or how write about my terrible life i've been going through from the past to the present ever since I born. When im writing to you all, im writing with pain, sadness, depression, anxiety and many other negative feelings which of course no muslims and even non-muslims like to have. Please note, that im not expecting anything from you all because i know you all have problems and that we humans are weak.

Ever since I born i've been going through Hell-like life in this world where even my parents havent paid much love and attention to me. When i was born, i didnt turn when i was in my mother's womb when i should have, the doctors had to take me out like if it was unnatural birth. My mother never breast feeded me when i was a baby, she always bottle feed me and i wasnt looking at her at all unlike most babies. I remember i was ended up being sick i dont know how many times when i was a baby, some of the sickness were serious and some of them are permanent sickness which no doctors can cure. All my life i've been wearing hearing aids, have chiari malformation, and i think also aspergers syndrome. When became a child, i was a very lonely child hardly had friends, i most often got segregated and paid no attention to. My parents got divorce when i was about 7-8, then my mother married another guy, i think thats when my life was getting worse. I was tortured, beaten, yelled at when i was 8-12 years old, for what purpose i dont know, i done silly things but which child doesnt do silly things. Thats when i started to feel unwanted, strong sense of sadness, lack of love. Me as a child tortured for nothing, I thought child are the most purest, most innocent from this corrupted heart-polluted world, where you can hardly see a benefit in it. My mother never paid attention to me, she and her husband always went out, while i was left home alone sometime from night to the next night. In primary school, i was very segregated, often bullied, look down upon, which i even ended up acting like Huns or Mongols, scaring people out of revenge, but at most other times i do enjoy having friends and being accepted as humans like anyone else. In high school, the situation was the same but much worser, even being rejected by many good looking girls. Sadness, unwantedness, loneliness was increased. I was about 13-17 years old. I even had a girlfriend, not even touch her sexually, but my relationship lasted only 2 weeks. My mother became alcoholic when her husband left her, she even nearly died cause of her drinking, no one not even me know what to do with her, not even doctors know what to do with her, thats how stubborn and arrogant she is. My father married another women, she is just a bad as my mother's husband (my step-father), she made my father abandoned his family. But during that time, i converted to Islam because I felt a very strange feeling in my heart which i cant explain what it is, even my mind was opened like if someone (Allah alone) out there is watching whatever i do after i read some ayats from the Quran, thats when I accepted Islam, because my heart said so. I was full of hope that my life was now gonna get better, and even solve the long-time women problem which i was facing since mid-late teenage years, being with a girl of my own choice, hoping to gain some more happiness, love and acceptance which i've been missing mostly through out my life. Alhamdulillah I've enjoyed the religion of Islam, but hardly enjoyed the present-day muslims. Unfortunately, majority of muslims segregated me just like what the non-muslims did to me, not one muslim girl was interested in me, either because of her parents or because Im not of her ethnicity. Majority of muslims paid no interest to me, they look down upon me, bullied, harrassed, because i wasnt a born muslim, but that just one side, the other side, non-muslims (my family included) bullied me, abandoned me even more than i felt, try to take advantage of me to leave Islam, of course my response to them was aggressive not physically (except for my mother when she's drunk, hardly anyway). I wanted to be accepted by both sides, to have happiness and peace with both sides, have a happy live, attain my goals. But my depression, sadness, hopelessness, kufr, and Allah knows what else came back. Nearly all my life i hardly had any good times, its was always the bad times that was dominant. When ever i want to try achieved my goals, and it doesnt happen, i dont know how many times i yelled, swore at Allah, being angry at his Qadir, sometime I get angry with the Qadir astagfirullah, because I always felt that i dont have choice or success and to have Allah's help and attention when bad things happens all the time. Alhamdullilah i had suicidal thoughts since i was 14 but alhamdulillah im still alive, hoping, hoping, waiting, waiting for the unexpected good times taking over the bad times. Alhamdulillah Im 30 years old still unmarried, never experience a long relationship before, nearly every pretty girls i met, they turn away from me, look at me weird. I counted altogether 33 girls in my whole life, i tried to pick up, to get to know her. Never had the chance to be with any of them in relationship nor marriage and to enjoy my life away from loneliness. Loneliness was driving me insane, that i felt i was not part of this world, that i was abandoned by everyone including Allah, except that stupid satan who made my lives miserable for nothing. How many thoughts i had, that i wish i never existed to suffer everything from kufr, bad thoughts, to physical, verbal, mental, spiritual abuse. I tried to keep positive of things in life, but my despair, hopelessness, negativeness dominated my life the whole time to the current point i get sick, tired and bored of it. I even get sick of yelling and insulting Allah and scared to repeat this in the future everytime bad things happens. I want Allah to love me, to forgive me for every stupid things i've done, to grant me success and enjoyment. To be honest, i want to have love of Allah in my heart just like any other muslims out there. I get sick and tired of having negative opinion and thoughts, suspicions about Allah astagfirullah. I dont know how many times, i cried while i was alone or praying, or how many times i was hoping to die while in sujud or doing zikr, but no, alhamdulillah im still alive facing torture after torture, hardship after hardship. I dont how many dua i've made, or even talk to Allah to make my life easier, more enjoyable, interesting. Alhamdulillah i even had Prophet Daniel (alayhis salaam)'s tomb and his voice, Angel Jibril (alayhis salaam) in my dreams. I even came across with Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi wa salaam) in dream 2 times, first dream i heard his voice, the second dream i met in person, (I dont know if it was him). Alhamdulillah i've enjoyed those good dreams. Still when i return to this world, my life was still Hell-like. I went so paranoid thinking too much of punishment, torture, death, etc, expecting only bad things in life because i've experienced more bad times, hardly any good times. I even went from muslims to muslims to explain my situation, none of it helped me much. I even went to doctors and chancellors to explain my situation, but they either non-muslims or weak muslims. I never sat down with a God-Fearing muslim chancellor about my situation and the condition im in, as i've been looking for one for years. Alhamdulillah, i had the most terrifying dream, the worst dream 3 years ago. It was a dream about the future, i was exposed as hypocrites, get tortured by Satan, then the angels in grave, then i ended up in hell, (I seek refuge in Allah eternally from that, may Allah protect me from that). I didnt pay attention to this dream because it was a bad dream and bad dreams never comes from Allah.

Suddenly, i started having sever waswas from the satan, i started to disbelieve in Allah's existance because i got tired from everything, bad things, depression, hopelessness, i've noticed i lost my iman, i cant feel absolute nothing in my heart now. My heart locked, my breast is locked, spiritually dumb, deaf and blind exactly how the quran mentions about the Kufars. All i felt was despair, hopelessness, sadness, unworthiness, a dead heart, the very pain, fear and anxiety which i find very annoying and hate. I started being paranoid of everyone and hated everyone all because of all those harm i've experienced.

Im in very confusing situation where i cant feel or think of Allah's existance, cant enjoy life like majority of those people do, even the most wicked of humans have good life, enjoy women pleasure, family pleasure, i dont say perfect life, but they definately have everything what they want, and they have way much more better life than i do, they dont suffer loneliness, unwantedness, as i do. I cant enjoy life just like any other normal muslims out there. I was thinking to many time that im a hypocrite, scared of being one or even scared of being exposed as hypocrite in this life, and the next. I even have trouble believing next life. My belief is in a mess.
Nearly every girl and guys i came across with looked at me as stalker and an outcast for many years till today.

As i mentioned earlier, the torturing nightmare i had 3 ago years slowly one by one even happened, I just got so scared, upset, sad, i just dont know what to do anymore, i smoke alot thinking and thinking. I cried many times to Allah to forgive me for everything, i just felt i was talking to a brick wall and that Allah is not listening or watching me. First of all this stupid nightmare was against my wish, against my own will. Because of that dream is what made me despair and doubt of everything about Allah.

Alhamdillah i started working, even in workplace im not spared from this miserly, discrimination. There was even a good looking friendly girl who work there, came up to me and say Hi like if she wanted to get to know me, I was shy and i didnt mention my name because of the bad past i had with girls, she then look at my name tag as if she was interested, she done many other signs as well when i was working with her, suddenly she looks at me like if she never met me and considered me as stalker, even ran away from me thinking im running after her. Alhamdulillah too many people have been playing with my life, my heart, my mind for nothing. The most miserable, mostly boring, painful life i have, hoping for my life to improve, full of love, acceptance. I did not convert to Islam in the first place to be or die as a scumbag good for nothing hypocrite like how this stupid nightmare portrays. If i am one, then i want to be truely but truely cured from that, even if my stupid heart doesnt want it so. I wish islam religion was much more easier, i wish there wasnt any such a thing called "hypocrisy" exist in the world.
Anyway my story is much more painful than all that i wrote, i just dont know what to write anymore.

May Allah bring my iman back in my heart and make me a sincere loyal muslim, Amin.
May Allah bless and help those muslim brothers and sisters who have the same problem like me Amin.

Majar Mustafa

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11 Responses »

  1. Have trust in Allah..
    Have tawakul
    You are being tested.. Spend more time in repentance and sajood ..esply tahajud. .
    Don't turn away esply after believing

  2. I'll pray for you inshallah

  3. Assalamualaikum brother, I have read your message and I pray to Merciful God to alleviate your situation, heal you, protect you from all bad things in both worlds. Ameen.

    Most of the times we get frustrated because we combine all problems into a giant mess. Emotional Intelligent people (read more about emotional intelligence, it's very interesting) divide them into manageable parts. Basically, you have these issues that you have gathered into a big mess in your mind:

    1. Your childhood issues - No doubt you have experienced very grave situation, but that is past. You are a grown up man now so don't give in to your past's bad experiences:)

    2. You converted to Islam and faced hardships for that. That's such a brave thing. You are going to have double reward insha'Allah as Allah promises to people of the book who convert to Islam. Don't give attention to Satanic whispers when Allah told in advance that Satan whispers to cause grieve to you and they can't harm you except with Allah's permission. It means that you can be harmed only if Allah wishes. Recite Surah Falaq and Surah Naas (last 2 chapters of the Holy Quran) after each prayer as Holy Prophet (s.a.w) would do. Just keep fulfilling Allah's commandments e.g., Salah, fast, other good acts . And believe in Allah for Allah doesn't waste anyone's faith or good deeds. Whenever you have any negative thoughts, recite ( AazubiLlah Min al-shaitaan al-rajeem).

    3. Your Health - may Allah cure your diseases and problems. Ameen. Brother when you will be mentally relaxed and relieved of the above 2 problems (your past experiences and the Satanic whispers) you will get rid of half of your physical problems as our thoughts have immense effect on our health. There must be some medication even if it doesn't cure it completely that will keep problems to minimum level. Brother in today's world everyone has one medical issue or another. We just have to keep that in check.

    4. Brother, I want to tell a personal experience of Allah's mercy and miraculous healing. I once saw a guy who was crippled by drugs. He couldn't even walk properly. His whole body would shake as he walked. I felt pity for him. I again the same person in a mosque giving da'wah as he didn't have any problem. I listened to him and marvelled how Allah cured him as he walked Allah's path. Brother, you can try this. Dr. Zakir Naik (you may have seen him on TV) had stammering. But as he would give talk his stammering would disappear. As Allah says "and Allah will definitely help him who helps Him" I could not translate the emphasis that is in the verse. If you know Arabic (another idea! Learn Arabic) you would come to know how strongly Allah promises to help people who helps Him in His religion.

    4. The negative thoughts occurr when you give time to your brain to wander. So don't give it free time. Occupy yourself in some activities preferably physical activity or any hobby to keep yourself busy. Do physical activities to get tired so you can have good sleep.

    5. Relationship - try focusing on the above things. When you will have clarity on the above issues, your life will get simple. Then you would be able to find a life partner. Try searching for a girl who has similar experience as yours, so you can have a person who you can trust. I don't know if your problem is genetical (if it could be transmitted to your children) but you can decide not to have kids or adopt some kid (you can discuss it with your partner).

    I hope you have all the happiness of both worlds. Ameen.

    Allah Hafiz.

  4. I recommend you go to group councling
    Although prayer helps
    But there is no miracle without works.
    I would not recommend dr.naik
    Although he is well spoken about fundementals but he hardly talks about depression or peer pressure or feelings of hopelessness.
    Look up Dr.Naqshwani
    He is a more realistic relegion person
    Plus he also talks of holding elders accountable foe their sins as well as youngsters
    Most relegion people hold only the youngsters accountable.
    Good luck cowboy.
    Salamalekum

  5. Hey.. Asalamualikum.. U remind me of my own story.. N if someone says I can understand,i know they can't.. .only Allah knows what we are going through.. ....even I was ignored while I was growing up but ever since Islam happened to me.. .m at peace.. Remember brother, this life is nothing more than just a test.. This thing give me strength.. Huggs have a great life. I know u will. .take care of ur health ND I pray for you!

  6. Ohh brother I'm really sorry about how everything is going for u,I always thought my situation was the worst but after I read yourself I realized that it's sth minor. Allah test those whom he loves and your test is a really huge one brother...And honestly I'm really impressed by the way U faced it, ur hope for your future. If I were in it place I am sure I would not be able to handle all this,I might even be dead since 14. And I'm not kidding..! Your story make me cry, although I know the pain was far worse for u but don't worry! Allah is watching your every move, listening to his favorite bandah(creation) words.
    PLS DON'T GIVE UP BROTHER and I'll pray for u too. And.....I don't want to judge u but it's better not to smoke...which will keep ur trouble a bit less. U r such a brave guy but pls don't let your stress make it life ruin,Soking is really bad for ur health.

    And u could try talking to religious teachers in mosque or listen to their bayan(advice,speech) online. There might be also brothers and sisters who are facing just like you, brother.

    May Allah give u sabr and great health..
    May Allah bless u and all of us with the happiness of the world..
    And May Allah protect u from Shaitan and make u closer to him day by day....(Ameen)

    And last of all, please don't ever Ever commit suicide, which will make all the things u faced into trashes, If u did that u might ends up in Jahanam....
    There are lots of interesting things to research about Islam and they are infinity, fill your time reading books and doing your hint than feeling miserable for every moment that happened, Allah will grand u happiness but u have to know how to earn it and use it, It all depends on u brother.....
    And pls forgive me if there was any rude saying...
    May Allah guide us all...(Ameen)

  7. I gave a reply
    But my answer was deleted
    Why?
    There was no profanity or suggestive materials so why was I deleted?

  8. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pyZkY93B2A&t=1479s

    it helped me getting out of depression and i pray it will invoke Allah's love in you as well. May Allah bless you!

  9. make DUA AIIah finish ur test and give u reward in this and after Iife, just try it ,,u wiII see gud resuIIts

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