Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I hate myself for being homosexual


I am sick of my life. I am 16 years old and regrettably have homosexual gay desires. Not just this , I am disgusted to say I have also had gay sex too. I have tried and tried and tried and I cannot control my desires. I know I have commit the worst of sins. I don't understand why I have a male body when I have a very feminine gender role. I am not attracted to females at all. My dad has doubts that I am gay because of how feminine I am and he hates me. His hatred towards me is well justified obviously because he is completely against homosexuality as is Islam. Everyone knows I am feminine, but no body is aware that I'm also gay.

I hate myself so much. Often I think that if I completely disown homosexuality and become a good muslim would it be possible to be a women in jannah. The question of jannah is far and I think will Allah SWT even contemplate forgiveness for me.

I am sick of myself so much and I just want to die. My concept of dying is that if I die, it will only reduce the sins that I will further commit. Is suicide justified by being homosexual? I have read the following mentioned in a hadith'“Kill the one that is doing it and also kill the one that it is being done to." If homosexuals deserve to be killed why can I not commit suicide and kill myself?

I would never tell any body of me being gay. I am guilty , I cry. I have had homosexual desires from a very young age despite strong islamic teachings in the house hold. I would never change sex from surgery etc , will I be able to be a women in Jannah ... IF .. I am forgiven...


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21 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaikam

    I'm so sorry that you're going through all this - it's a lot for anyone, and at 16 years old you're so young to be struggling with this without support. Whatever you do, don't let shaitan's whispers lead you to end your life. You have so much of the world to see and so many things to do that can bring you closer to Allah - don't end things before it's your allotted time.

    I hope I don't offend you here, but it's possible that in time your sexual desires may change. It's common for teenagers and young adults to have thoughts about same-sex relationships, and if you have been in an environment where there is access to sex from a young age (16 is pretty young), there is a greater risk for young people that they'll end up getting involved in sexual activities. While these thoughts and desires are distressing, they often fade with time as you become more sure of your own identity and place in the world. What's important is to not reinforce them by obsessing about them or acting on them more than you have - inshaAllah they'll either go away or become easier to manage in time.

    You mention that you would like to be a woman in Jannah, inshaAllah, and that you struggle to understand why you have a male body. It might be worth exploring these issues with a therapist (preferably one who is aware of what a big issue this is for you, as a Muslim male).

    Even if the thoughts don't go away, and you are certain in yourself that you are only sexually attracted to other men, that doesn't mean you are a bad person or that you deserve to be treated badly. We are tested in this life according to our abilities, and this may be a very big test for you - so imagine what the reward will be, inshaAllah! In that situation, you would need to abstain from haraam acts and find ways to manage the temptations along the way. When your resolve waivers, think of how Allah tested His Prophets and Messengers (peace be upon them), and find strength in how they persevered even against seemingly insurmountable odds. With faith, you can do anything that Allah wills.

    You might find it helpful to speak with other brothers who have been in your position - maybe look for an anonymous support group online? or if someone who has been through this happens to see your post here, inshaAllah they may be able to write an anonymous reply to you. Be careful that you don't associate with people who encourage you to act on these desires - ensure you are spending time with practising brothers of good character and keeping yourself busy with halal activities.

    Other things you may find helpful are fasting (which reduces sexual urges) and dua to ask Allah for strength to cope with these difficulties and for His Mercy. Also, make sure you repent for the sins you have already committed - you might want to read the articles on this website about tawbah and repentance. Never lose hope in His Mercy, He has promised to forgive our sins if we offer wholehearted repentance.

    From a physical health perspective, you might want to visit a family planning or sexual health clinic for a check-up, to make sure your previous sexual activities haven't resulted in any diseases or other problems. This might seem scary, but these places are anonymous and you don't have to tell anyone about your reason for coming... and if you have picked up something unwanted, then it's best to know about it and get it treated sooner rather than later.

    Regarding the hadith you mention and the accounts of the people of Sodom and Gomorrah, my understanding is that these were people who were happily and knowingly embracing haraam sexual acts, violating the rights of others and making a conscious decision to disobey Allah's guidance. These weren't people who had feelings and restrained themselves - these people knew it was wrong and went ahead and enjoyed it anyway. When you describe your own situation, I don't get that impression from you - you seem very distressed and ashamed by what you have been experiencing, and are expressing deep remorse for the sins you have committed. A person isn't condemned for the feelings they have - it's what we do with those feelings that affects the balance. So, live in accordance with Islamic guidance, repent and do good deeds, and do not reveal your past sins to anyone.

    Midnightmoon editor

    • Salam, great advice from this and Saba. To the original poster: Allah bless you and help you, you do have a challenge but everyone has their tests in different ways, please don't loose hope in Allah. Allah (swt) loves you and knows your heart he wants you to seek him. Please take the good advice from midnight moon. You will be in my duaas young brother, please seek Allah and ask of him to help you, don't loose hope or faith in him. Read Qur'an and do Salat for you to feel close to him, his words are a medicine. Please don't ever loose hope in Allah and his mercy and His Guidance, dont let shaitan and our desires win us. This is shaitans plot we all have battles in different ways and is a form of Inner jihad. You will be okay inshAllah. Believe in and seek it from the All bountiful Allah ya rab.

      Love you for the sake of Allah dear brother.

      Allah bless and help you always Ameen. In my duaas.

      🙂 Sister R

  2. Assalaamualaikam

    Brother its not possible to be born homosexual (its my opinion) I may be wrong brother. Allah (swt) knows best.
    ask your self do you pray 5 times daily..ask yourself if you make dua to Allah (swt) to guide to the right path you are just 16

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    Brother its not possible to be born homosexual (its my opinion) I may be wrong brother. Allah (swt) knows best.
    ask yourself do you pray 5 times daily..ask yourself if you make dua to Allah (swt) to guide you and everyone to the right path you. You are just 16 years old brother think about this life as test! dont let shaytan trick you. Allah (swt) loves everyone who try too get connetion with him so please brother deeply make alots of dua and try your best to pray 5 times daily and insh'allah Allah (swt) will guide you to the right path. May allah (swt) forgive us all.

  4. Please note that there is a difference to actually being involved in a homosexual act -which is a sin - from having sexual feelings that you try to control, that you don't express in public, which is not sinful if you try to control them. If medical or psychological counseling helps, then get it, but know that Allah is The Curer, and the Qur'an is your best companion. Give charity, pray, make dua', and Allah will not leave you alone. You have got to believe in the infinite amount of Mercy Allah provides to His servants, and you should also realize that He forgives, if He wishes, all types of sins, except the sin of disbelieving in Him.

  5. When was the first time you thought you were a gay person? How did you meet your sex partner? What makes you think you are feminine?

  6. Assalam alaikum,

    I have no idea how it feels like to be in your shoes or how much pain you are in while you struggle with your emotions. I can say, however, that Allah swt has chosen you for a challenge. You want answers for why and what will happen in the future....Heterosexual people at your age struggle with sexual feelings--so generally speaking, this can be very difficult to deal with and would require you to be extra patient.

    As for question about Jannah, I would say that it is a very typical whisper from shaitaan that suggests that we get a particular thing that we desire to a great extent in this world in Jannah--I personally think that this type of thinking takes away from our purpose on this planet and chips away at our relationship with Allah swt. Our relationship with Allah swt is something we all need to work on and I really believe it is the answer to any of our problems--big or small.

    I agree with Sr. Midnightmoon above to seek a Muslim support group that has successfully dealt with your particular challenge. Of course, be careful of who you speak to and you may first want to speak to a Muslim Counsellor first. Whatever you do, don't give up, don't stop having hope and don't hate yourself. You are not the sum of only your feelings---you are much greater than that. Worldly desires that creep in cannot dare to define us if we remember our purpose.

    Remember, you are 16 and Allah swt chose to create you. Seek your purpose and hold fast to the rope of Allah swt. Drive out the thoughts from shaitaan by replacing them with remembrance of Allah swt. Never doubt that the One who Chose to create you wouldn't know what you would want in Jannah--instead of worrying about this, put your trust in Allah swt and redirect your life.

    May Allah ease your pain, Ameen.

  7. One more question, were you abused by a man or a boy when you were young. Some times experience like that can make one do sex with other men.

  8. you have two choices : either you create a closet and stay inside or you own up to your homosexuality . you can't change who you are and you can't change the perception that people have of gays , so it's up to you . being depressed about it is just going to be a loss of time . Good luck to you

    • I have read few blogs about male students having sex with male students in collge hostels In countries like Pakistan that does not mean they are homosexual. Same men later get married and spend lives as heterosexuals.

    • Very straightforward answer!! I appreciate it 🙂

  9. Try and follow whats right...and be in love with that..

  10. i understand how you feel, i heard that gays are born like that naturally. Just like i can't make myself like a guy in life. I am shia muslim and i read news in iran that even though their is a strict punishment for being gay in iran. The scholars and the mullas have accepted that a person can be born in a wrong body. Maybe you can get your sex change, i mean their must be a solution beside being guilty and depressed!

    • People may be born with a tendency toward homosexuality, but it might not be expressed unless the person is subject to homosexual abuse as a child. A sex change is not the answer to homosexual feelings. If actually read the article you would see that people are being pushed into sex change operations needlessly, with disastrous results. Homosexual desires should be seen as a test. The answer is to seek therapy and try to activate heterosexual desires, and if that's not possible then to remain chaste.

      Wael Editor

    • Assalaamualaikam

      There's a huge difference between having sexual feelings towards members of the same sex, and actually identifying as a member of the opposite sex.

      Gender reassignment (sex change) processes are invasive, permanent and carry their own risks. For a person to go through these, they need to be prepared for the impact on the rest of their lives. Also, it's not a unanimous view that it's ok to have these procedures done - there are differences of opinion on whether this would be considered changing Allah's creation, which is not permitted.

      Midnightmoon editor

      • Is there a change of Allaah's creation, Greater than a Sex change?! I find that hard to imagine.

  11. I suggest you to keep fast to control your desires.... And give some sadaqah... And pray 2 rakats any make dua for guidance...

  12. Be patient, Inshallah My Lord, My almighty Allah ll listen you.... and make you a good muslim

  13. Just believe in allah and accept the way you are and only talk to allah about this...make allah ur best friend and hes going to guide you to the best you deserve...dont ever think of killing urself because you will end up hirting ur mother a lot.

  14. feraligator619 salaam+

    My heart Bleeds for you boy, but take Heart! There is treatment available that May work for you. Many have reported that they've been Cured of this aberration and are now happily married and fully Functional Hetero-sexuals. Google "How to cure Homosexuality".
    It has not worked for Everyone though and, if it doesn't for you, then this may be your Trial in life. In general sexual abstention is not encouraged in Islaam but abstaining from the "worst sin" out of fear of Allaah (swt) is a feat that's hard to match. It will win you the Love of God inshaH'Allaah.
    I've a friend who's been a celibate homosexual, for the past 10 years. He told me that the first couple years since he decided to sin No More were infernal, but for every year it becomes Easier and now he hardly Thinks about it/ Pray Hard and Allaah (swt) will make it Easy for you too inshaH'Allaah

    • Assalamu Alaikum brother,

      I really wonder reading the above comments that how people can be so blunder and ignorant about quran and the facts mentioned in it about these feelings….

      First of all nobody born gay…nobody found a gay gene or something that will make a person a gay…

      Gay is a political social identity that people take by their choice.i have been suffering these feelings all my life…but i have been trying to educate myself about this from many resources and came to realize many things about these feeling still a lot more to go and exercise a lot to completely come out of it…as one of the brother mentioned to put implants and all…those are not really required because once we develop our heterosexual true identity we slowly start getting the opposite sex attractions so without any device we will be able to function sexually with our wife.

      I recomment you to go to youtube and type speeches of Dr.Joseph nicolosi(especially listen shame based self statements by nicolosi) .He has indepth knowledge about this subject after deeling with many such clients about more than 30 years…
      Nicolosi,A true gem in this field who passed away this last march.

      Listen to his speeches many times until you get an idea about what he was trying to explain.i am still listening to his speeches whenever i get an impulse or feeling down about life.

      Do duas and zikr a Shaa Allah ,Allah will cure our hearts and make us true men who will be proud to our parents and spouse and to everyone we associate with

      In Shaa Allah Allah will make out for all of us who are dealing with such a terrible condition of mind

      Jazakhallah brother

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