Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I have a big dilemma of the Heart


Well, what to do when you miss someone who's your non-mahram, and your parents won't let you marry him? I know it's a sin to miss someone (isn't it?) I tried so hard to block thoughts concerning him, but everyday I miss him.. I am a good Muslimah (enshallah), I pray, read Quran and it's meanings. I prayed a lot to Allah to let me marry him, I prayed istikharah, but I feel it's not the right time..

I talked to my parents but due to different race and culture, they won't allow it, even though he's pious and can lead me to Jannah isA

My question is, what to do? I didn't contact him, for two years, I don't plan to contact him if I can't marry him, he wouldn't want that as well.. But sometimes I miss him too much, I'm tired of crying, I don't want to take antidepressant pills any more..

Please help...


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12 Responses »

  1. Asslam-laikum sister Mira ,firstly I would like to tell you do not streas yourself... You are too young to take stress over a conflict like this. Secondly I may tell you that Allah (swt) dislikes pople falling in lofe with those who are not the same religion..... Allah(swt) states a women should not be in contact with an opposite sex before her marriage...... If you are a good muslim then respect Allah's law and forget this man... Inshallah you will find a more ,caring,and loving men......wish
    Wish you the best and Take Care

    • aisha, I agree with your advice for the most part, but I want to point out that the man in question is not from a different religion, just a different race and culture. He is Muslim.

      Wael Editor

  2. My Sister,

    May Allah grant you His best rewards. Ameen.

    I have seen your post for a couple of days, with no replies. I have watched and hoped that a brother or sister who is more wise in Islam than I reply with an intelligence, compassionate, and loving answer that pleases Allah.Your situation touches my heart.

    I will try to respond here, I am a recent revert. Inshallah, my response will be one that pleases Allah.

    First, your ability for love and loyalty, a wonderful gift from Allah, will serve you well in your life, inshallah. Do not allow your current dilemma to be a wedge for the Shaytan to get between you and Allah. Also, your respect for your parents wishes is also very commendable. Mashallah!

    Your statement that he can lead you to Jannah is good, but be careful about placing him above or on par with Allah. Allah is the only one who can truly guide you to Jannah, but a good pious husband can help you be closer to Allah. From the rest of your post, I don't think this is a problem for you, but I just mention it to be sure.

    Your parents objection to your possible husband is not a valid reason in Islam. Race and culture are not relevant. If you have a pious Muslim sister at your Masjid, see if she can talk to your parents and see of they will reconsider. Or maybe an Imam could discuss it with them. They are looking out for you the best way they know how, but they may just have a hard time in this area. From the tone and content of your letter, they have done a good job raising your, alhumdulillah. This just may be hard for them.

    However, do not get your hopes up too much, since it has been so long, he may be married.

    Also, you mentioned taking antidepressant medications, maybe there are other things going on in your life. Before you proceed with my suggestion above, make sure the doctor or therapist who is prescribing the medications is aware that you want to take these steps. If they have concerns about this, then you should try to follow their advice on how to proceed.

    • AmericanMuslim, you answered as well as anyone else could have, or better. Jazak Allah khayr.

      Wael Editor

  3. Asalaam alaikum Sister Mira,

    I've noticed that this is your fourth post over the last few months and that your problems are still persistent. Sister Amy gave you some very good advice recently, and I had hope that you would take it to heart. I know that last time you said that your parents forbade you from taking anti-depressants, so did you start taking them again and did they negatively effect you? Have you gone back to your doctor to have the dosage of medication changed?

    While medication is a temporary fix, you need to use it steadily over a period of time to see a benefit from it, which you can move on to a life without them. Not every drug works for everyone the same way, so again, you might need a change in your dosage or type, depending on whether you started taking them again. Please let us know about that.

    However my dear Sister Mira, it's apparent that it's not so much this boy your heart longs for, but the past emotions you felt of possible love and the elation that comes with that within your heart. You are feeling sorrow for what has left you. Though you did confess that you turned down a recent proposal due the past feelings, I wonder if maybe you did that so you wouldn't have to "move on" and instead continue to long for something that has passed over for two years now.

    You've talked of suicide and of always praying for this marriage to be possible, though in this last post, you confess that you won't marry him if you cannot get permission. So I want to give you a few scenarios to think about for a moment.

    Let's say you did contact him. More than likely, the same issues will arise and it's possible that he has moved on from your past together. You would then undoubtedly face tremendous heartache and pain, which may lead you into great despair of which you suffer. This may prove to be fatal for your health and because of that, no one could recommend this avenue without putting you into great risk. So we know that this is not possible.

    You parents are unlikely to change their mind, unless they leave this un-Islamic criteria behind. While I do not agree with their reasons, the problem is that you are too vulnerable to recommend that you against their wishes at this time. Instead, you need to place a few hadiths into their hands and some verses from the Qur'an about this issue, so that in the future they may change. That is about all you can do regarding their viewpoint. In the future, the man who would face their criticism will have to protest with more humble conviction.

    The next part is that by now, your feelings are hurting yourself and you must pull yourself away from this feeling. You have obsessed to the point that these emotions are controlling your well-being and is making your lose hope and has you wondering about in a lost state. It is time that you recognize that the past will not change, he will not come back to fight for your hand and that he stopped his heartache about you, too. I will bargain that while he may reminisce about you, he harbors no love for you in the way that you do him. He is gone and he has stayed gone. He does not love you. He probably will never do so. It does not cross his mind on a daily basis nor does it bring him to such agony that it moves his feet in your direction. He has left you, because he did not chose you for his wife.

    I am sorry that this reality may be harsh for you, but it is the truth. For when a man truly loves a woman, there is no mountain high enough, no ocean wide enough or valley low enough to keep him away from her, as the old song says. Believe me that this is true.

    Sister Mira, you need to understand that there is only one entity that will lead you to paradise and that is Allah (swt). Some people will come for a season or for a reason, but none of them were there from the very beginning or will have stayed for the whole time to the end. As Allah (swt) says, this world is temporary, but He is eternal.

    You may think at first, then "why was he here? For what purpose?" The reason this boy came into your life was to break your heart, in a way. Sound cruel? It's not, if you bear patiently and wisely. You have focused on the former while forgetting the latter, but it's the "wisdom" that determines the state of our affairs that is equally important. You see, the reason for the breaks in your heart, is so that you can fill them with the love of Allah (swt). If you do that, then your heart becomes bigger, more lovely and kind. It will be the kind of heart that even in misery will say, "Alhamdulillah, for the suffering, because it brings me closer to our Lord!"

    For the true believer knows that this world is a prison, because we are away from Him, the Most Merciful and Omnipotent. The veils are over our vision and our hearts. Yet, when our hearts break, this is when we can lift a veil off from it and see the love of God is ever present in our lives. This pain is our invitation to Him. For if Allah (swt) only gave us people to hate, we would become hardened and mean beasts. So instead, He gives us people to love, so that we smile, become gentle and become loving. Our worldly experience will bring us the proper spouse, children and then grandchildren. We will find love in all of them, but this isn't the goal. The real goal is finding His Love and thus, finding our love for Him.

    These "heart" lessons are from the Greatest Teacher up above. He is trying to teach you, Sister Mira, how to love Him, instead.

    I want to tell you something else. You may think for a moment, "then my prayers are wasted!" No, this isn't true! For Allah (swt) has a surprise for you through His Infinite Mercy regarding these prayers that you have made through this time in your life. There is a narration that tells us that when we die and our deeds are weighed, we will say that there are many deeds for us listed that we never did! We will be told, "These are your unanswered prayers!" We will marvel at this fact and may say, "But my sins are greater, too!" Little do we know, that our unanswered prayers will cover those sins and will save us from punishment of them!

    Then we will go on further into paradise and say, "What rewards are these?!" We will be told, "These are your unanswered prayers!" To which we will say," Oh! Would that none of my prayers on Earth had been answered!"

    This is the beauty of Our Lord. So it is possible that Allah (swt) gave you this experience of heartache so you would pray to Him and thus, cover the past sins of yours' and as your entreaty for the hereafter. You see, Allah (swt) does not want you to be punished due to those sins, so that He will give you the Eternal Paradise in return.

    You think that right now, "Woe is me!" Yet, on the Day of Judgment you may hang your head at the Mercy of our Lord and will say, "If I had only known how grateful I should have been through those tears! Look at how much my Lord loved me to have saved me! What did I ever do to deserve this?!"

    You may be told, "You believed."

    Lastly, this verse in contemplation is for you.

    And of the people is he who sells himself, seeking the Pleasure of Allah . And Allah is kind to [His] servants.

    Think this verse over and 'sell' your misery to Allah (swt) as your wise patience for what He has promised the believers: the rewards of this life and the next. Yet, try to reach even loftier goals than this and do it so that He is pleased with you and become His true servant.

    Sister Mira, Allah (swt) has chosen you to love Him more deeply. Find solace and peace in that fact. You deserve it.

  4. Salaamalaikum ...Similar situation
    Great Responses Masha Allah !!
    Ive noticed all the Brothers and Sisters who replied to this post said Forget that person its not that easy
    although i know in my situation This is wrong for so many reasons and I MUST move on and remember that somebody who has already made this choice and is NOT Muslim its Forbiden for me to have feeling for this person especially cuz of the big age diffrence. Obviously i know this it totally wrong on all levels... But weneva i try to forget this person i picture this persons face in my mind and it feels as if hes next to me

    and i've tried praying and reciting Qur'an but i just start crying and feel as if this is SO wrong and well what im tryna say is if u've loved and lost how can u forget this person Move on and get on with ur life bear in mind u see this person 4 days a week......... and feel like killing yourself for whats happend . I think im suffering from depression but im hoping it will go away Insha Allah by remembering Allah praying and neva loosin hope and faith
    May Allah swt Ease our pain and all give us a Place in Janaah!x

    • My Sister,

      Please do your best to focus on other things, inshallah.


      Allah wants us to be happy. But if you do not continually pray and seek the will of Allah, Shaytan may use the wonderful emotions that Allah has granted all of us with, and trick you into waiting forever for a dream. You have all your life ahead of you. It would be tragic if Shaytan was to distract you from your deen, from glorifying Allah each day of your life. Don't let that happen.

      Allah wants you to worship him and find his will, and be happy. Focusing on your lost love is not making you happy. My advice is that you need to pray further, occupy yourself with halal activities, and slowly you will be able to move past your heartache.

      Remember Allah in all things, and He will remember you.

      • salam AmericanMuslim do you have an email where i can contact you privately please i need advice,

        • Sister we don't allow exchange of e-mails between opposite gender on this website. Please sign-in and write your question separately; or maybe you can request a female editor to contact you privately if it's urgent.


  5. Hello Sister, i know this post is very old but i had to say that i don't know who told you that missing someone/anyone is a "sin" in Islam. Missing someone is not a sin.

  6. I hope you were able to get over that feeling. I am in a same situation too. I wonder how you are doing right now. May Allah SWT bless you and keep guiding you.

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