Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I have been married for almost 10 years and can’t do it anymore, please help

upset muslim woman, distressed sister

Assalamoalykum Brothers and Sisters

I am in dire need of advice. I have been almost married to my husband for 10 years, we have two kids one is 6 years and the other one 4. It was an arranged marriage and i did not really want to get married to him but i was only 18 years old and my parents said they know better and i have to obey them. And so i did, i have always obeyed them.

I used to live in Europe with my parents and after marriage i moved to my husbands house to america. I did not know anyone other than them but i tried to adjust as well as i can. Him and his family loved me very much and the first couple years of our marriage weren't bad. I should also include that he is 12 years older than me and he is not a bad looking guy but i have from the beginning really tried my best to make it work and tried to love him as much as possible. Although i have never been really attracted to him i thought this is what Allah has given me and i need to accept it. My parents are a middle income family and my husbands family is very wealthy, the problem is that his parents own everything and my husband used to work for them. We live with his parents. His parents are not bad people but they do meddle in every little thing and since i was so young when i came in to their house i treated them just like my parents, i listened to everything they told me and obeyed them to the dot.

As more time passed things became harder and harder. I always wanted to go to University but my husband and his family always had some excuse for me not to go, so i stayed home. After a few years of our marriage everyone started telling me it was time to have children and since my husband was quite a bit older he was ready to have a family I on the other side not so much, but again i listened to everyone and we had our first child 3 years in.

I have always been a very loving caring and social person, i have always done everything in my hand to take care of him and his family. From the start i cooked for everyone, cleaned the big house we live in and did all of my other chores accordingly. But I have always wanted more in life than just stay at home i really wanted to study and be educated and more independent. If i may say so my self,  i am an attractive woman and want to get attention from my husband but he doesn't give it to me but still i have always tried to stay on the right path and be happy with my husband. My husband is not very religious at all, he doesn't pray or fast or anything. Every time i would even bring it up he would get mad and say that jabbar is not allowed in islam. He has a very bad temperament and get upset and mad very easily. He is not a bad person and he tells me he loves me but he is very very selfish he only cares about himself and doesn't fulfil his duties as a husband. His Mother has always done everything for him and now he expects it from me and i do everything for him, his family and my two kids. I have always put him and his parents and my children first i have never ever had the life i really wanted. After we had our daughter things became more difficult and we used to argue quite a bit more. He raised his hand on me a few times and all i did always is just cry. I never even thought at that time divorce was an option i was very innocent.

His Parents had a say in everything and it started bugging me too, my mother in law is a caring religious lady but she is very bossy and very old, her ways seem very different from mine. I suggested to my husband to finish his studies that he never completed so he can be more independent and that when our daughter grows up he can say he went to university. i also thought it would be good for us since the program was in another city and we might become more independent. He agreed and we moved out to a different city for a few years. For the first time in my life i had some freedom and could run the house like i wanted to and i loved every bit. I was very happy my in laws were not there to meddle in my daughters raising anymore. My husband was very busy the next 4 years as he completed his degree so he wasnt home much, which was also tough for me since i didnt have family or anyone else around but i managed. Our relationship on the other hand got worse, every time he was home all we would do is fight and he raised his hands a few more times on me, slowly slowly i really started disliking him. It was very hard on me since I always feel very very lonely. I should also mention that he says he loves me but i have always felt he has looked down me, he never tries to talk to me or spend time with me or even sleep with me very often. When i mention it to him he always says we have nothing in common and stop being so needy and unthankful. I still continued on with him but now i started having bad thought in my mind i never feel pleased, he never looks at me and he never spends  time or sleeps with me.

I should also tell you he is very very lazy person since he was always spoiled and had money he never wants to do anything he always wants to watch tv and never work. In the time he studied he never worked, he got money from his parents. When i say i want to study or work he says go ahead but his parents always tell me not to and to never put the kids in daycare. So i stayed home. I feel very unhappy with him i feel like he doesnt love me, he doesnt give me attention at all.

When i had my second child he stopped sleeping in the same bedroom with me first he said it was the baby not letting him sleep afterwards he kept making new excuses and its been 4 years now we havent slept in the same bed and he hardly comes for sex either. I felt like maybe there is something wrong with me but he had led a very lonely life and he likes to be by himself and please himself. I Feen very rejected and lonely and unpleased. I cry to myself alone on the bed almost every night. And i have tried talking to him about it many times but he always gets very angry and we end up fighting and its gets worse.

After he was done with his studies he told me we have to move back with his parents in the old city. I really did not want to move back to the other city or his parents home, if there was one thing i liked about my life was being a bit more independent and living in a bigger city where i actually made friends. But since i have always listened and he said i have no other choice we moved back. Since then my life is even more miserable, i hate living with his parents, they always tell me what to do and what not to do, they tell me how to raise my children and that im not allowed to do a lot of things. I have a lot of respect for them and care a lot about them. I am always very loving and caring with them but its getting very tiresome for me and i dont think i can do this very much longer, they aways tell me to be thankful for all the thing i have. They are right materialistically speaking i have everything from a big house to clothes shoes and money, but my husband doesnt satisfy me in any way i dont love him im not attracted to him and he abuses me all the time, later he apologizes to me and i alway forgive him. My kids have a very comfortable life and this is why im with him.

I am now 28 years old and im questioning everyting. I have never lived my life like i wanted to always first listened to my parents than my husband and inlwas, i have so much responsibility over the house the kids the in laws and my husband i feel very overwhelmed by everything and im starting to think that to leave.

Also since my husband came back from studying he hasnt worked at all, all he does is sit at home and watch tv, me and his parents have told him many times to go and work and take care of the businesses but he refuses to and always says to me your being provided by so you be quite. It is very upsetting to me that i always have to rely on his parents for finance and not him. He is not fulfilling any of his duties as a father husband or even son. Everyone is his family is very upset with him, he said to me he will never change and i have to put up with him. Lately i fell like running away and starting a new life dont i deserved to be loved and be happy? Than i get scared of the outside world and think how will i do it with two kids, i love my kids a a lot and they are very close to me, he is not a bad father but i am not happy at all. When he is angry he yells and swears a lot. Please help me im really thinking of a divorce but he also has threatened me a couple times saying i want my kids and if i have to put all my money in it i will take them, thats the other things.

My Mother understands now she made a mistake and shouldnt have married me off because of their money and says if i want, i can get a divorce. I am so sad and scared i dont know what to do, i want to live my life and study and and work and be loved.  He is now 40 years old and has really let him self go, he has a very big tummy out and im still quite young and people tell me all the time i look very young and very beautiful but my husband doesnt make me feel like that at all. I pray a lot to Allah for me to guide and help me make the right decision. I hope you guys understand my situation and help me.

 

thank you for your time to read this

SisterS

 


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10 Responses »

  1. walaikum asalaam,

    i;m so sorry to hear that. Sometimes people who have money act like they are unstoppable. Money comes and money goes. Its still never too late. to divorce. You should have told your parents when he first layed his hands on you. If you have to fight for your kids as he said, then do so. Don;t just give up. Allah will make it easy for you. Otherwise nothing will change.

    ma.salama

  2. Sister,you are really strong to say the least.Am a father of two and understand how it feels to be a parent.As a parent you are never free to make a decision without thinking of your little flowers,the children.Before I advice on anything try to explore this same website of zawaj,you will find different people with different challanges in life.One has this,but lucks that,but honestly of all the different 'problems of life'I have seen around,you are the one faced with the least challange.To be precise life is never complete,and it will never be.And it was never meant to be complete.Life that is complete cannot be found on earth!For example,in my situation I live in Northern part of Kenya,bordering Somalia.My wife and I are both Somali,but we are Kenyans.Am from a very poor background,very poor.Most of our family are pastoralist in the desert.Was among the few who got a chance of getting education.I finished my bachelors in the last year 2016.But I married in 2012.I finished highschool 2008.
    Thereafter got a good job with the government 2013.Immediately I got the job,I bought my mother a plot in a certain town,built for hera house and I told to rest and do her Ibadat there than continuing with pastoralist way of life.
    My father stays in another far away town.He has a farm there and I have to send him something at the end of every month.I earn on a monthly basis.
    My wife is also from a humble poorbackground just like me.We live in a rental house.So my little income has to be divided into 4 portions.One for my family,two for my mother and her family,then there is my father and his family and finally my beloved wife's family meaning her parents.
    So In my situation the challange is on the financial part.So thats my weakpoint,and everything for me looks hard,and so Allah is testing me on that.
    So I dont have an easy time with my wife because of that.She pressures me and stresses with many financial demands,and everytime I come home am just worried.Financial part is a problem,and risk but I utilise other fields where my strength lies to keep the family together.
    So sister I would not advice you to think of divorce.
    You better pray many istikhara for a long period so that you may know whats best for you.Do istikhara untill Allah shows you a way out of your stress.Because Allah is the best of planners.
    My story may sound irrelecant as its not related to your situation but I wanted you to understand,life isnt complete for all.
    Here my wife got a handsome,hardworking guy who gives her properly her conjugal rights,she married a man of her dreams.She gets maximum respect,but she feels the financial constraints are unbearable!!she has several times asked for divorce but I have done Salatul hajja till everything cools down somehow!

    • You are right, there are much bigger problems in life and I do realize how finances make a big impact on life. But of course to me getting love and being love and have peaceful life is something that I have been yearning for a very long time and maybe that is my test in this life. I pray that your difficulties became easier.

  3. Salam,

    Just read your post, Its so touching that being 18 gals are married without good education and left to struggle. Dont just go on my opinion , Please consider many so that you are satisfied and do Isthikhara before.
    Its not easy to be divorced without getting good education so before taking a decision I suggest you to stay there and complete your education first. you dont have to go to university always . you can do professional courses like AAT or any correspondence courses where you can study on own if you are smart and I see you are !! All you need is dedication and time for studies which you can do in morning or evening wheneveryou are yourself so complete that since you dont have money constratints you can always get education if you are atleast GCSE or high school pass out get professional courses done which is stay home studies. Research from internet in which field you get more jobs and update accordingly by then your kid's education also will be done and they will be in a better situation to understand. Lack of education is your major problem , once you have that you will be more confident and for that you may have to be with him atleast for 3 more years as no degree is less than 3 years even if its stay home professional courses it also depends on how you write exams you dont need to attend classes- you buy books and study and give exams in centers nearby your place. you need money for that which your husband can provide, Once done start applying jobs online and see how much response you get from employers . if you see yourself independent then sit and talk to your husband if he changes by then well and good In sha Allah you can continue. If he still the same you will be in better position to leave him which will be last option. Do immense dua while you study to Allah to change him & make you successful .Men lose interest easily that doesnt mean they dont love us but before taking decisions we need to make sure we have well back up plan with us and also we need to be righteous. In Sha Allah sis Allah will help you. I can help you online with studies if you want but I am from India and MBA graduate let me know if I can help u in studies anyway will be glad to do. Hope Allah makes easy for you.

    Assalamualaikum,
    Heena
    ***********

  4. Salam,

    Also I tell you dont go on people like how he looks and how you look. I am sure you are indeed beautiful and thats what you demand from husband but he is not giving you enough attention. Agreed!! but if you take people's words you will never come up in life the very people who judge you will never come to your help, Ask help frm Allah. Pray Tahajjud and complete your education staying home which will give you confidence to do what you want to do later.

    I am MBA and my husband is 6 years elder to me . Ours was a love marriage which I rependt for doing Haram before marriage I ask forgiveness from Allah but I had my own reasons may be I was young then I got married at 23 but I had done my masters when I married him. After 6 years my husband also doesnt care nor does he look at me nor we have had any intimate relationship from 1.5 year dont know where I have been wrong but I know he does love me may be he does may be not... I dont know but since I am educated I atleast feel thankful that even if its the last option to leave him I know I can work only thing which I dont have is children which Alhamdullilah I want to but since he isnt getting intimate I am not able to concieve . All I do is pray and let him be himself . You cant change people is all I have learnt. All you can do is pray pray & pray and let Allah handle it.

    May Allah make things easy for you and me & everyone. AAmeen!!!

    • Thank you for taking your time to reply I really appreciate it and yes I agree with you I was thinking the same I will be trying to do my education and go back to school, from there on we will see how I should proceed and how life is. And I will also start praying more to Allah. I hope Allah makes your difficulties easier as well. Ameen

  5. Salam,

    I am so sorry to hear about your situation, and I do hope Allah makes it easier for you. I just have to say Allah has made divorce Halal for a reason. Attraction is a huge part of marriage and when you have none for your husband it makes it all the more difficult. I would definitely advice you to do istikhara, but your children are yound now and if they grow up watching their parents fighting and yelling, unfortunately they'll grow up in a dysfunctional family which will slowly but surely take a toll on them as well and ruin their lives in the long run, break their confidence and belief in marriage and happiness. It also develops insensitivity since they'll grow up watching this and will go on having the same relationship with THEIR spouses. Therefore, if you have done everything in your power to keep your family together then, make a decision. But its also sensible to complete your education before hand so you can support yourself. Kaplan Open learning (university of Essex online) provides good quality cheap courses that you might want to look in to. You'll be in my prayers, may Allah make it easier for you, Ameen.

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