Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I have feelings for a sociopath


Salaam everyone

I really need your advise on this please.

Over a year ago, I came across a guy who really liked me and wanted to get to know me with the intention of marriage... Me and this guy didn't have much in common apart from deen. He was decent, good looking, but I couldn't hold a conversation with him he wasn't on my wavelength... So after a coffee, I wished him all the best.

This is where it all started... He couldn't handle rejection he would text me n phone me to the extent of harassment, letting me know how disappointed he was :/ I really had no sympathy for him, weeks went by and he begged for another chance to see me, so instead I wanted parental involvement I got the mums talking on the phone, it turned out his mother wanted someone to live with them and be a daughter in law n not work etc (this guy totally contradicted himself explaining how he wants to move out and has his own house)

Therefore, that was it, my mum wasn't interested neither was I. We put a stop to it. Few months went by, and this guy went to umrah apparently 'he went to move on from me' he got back in contact started harassing me where I had to abuse him to get him off my case...
12 months and I had no feelings for him, we had no physical contact but just phone communication. Now I am stuck in a big massive dilemma... It's been two weeks I've been getting to know a new brother mashaAllah with the intention of marriage, it's all really early days, but the first guy won't leave me alone ๐Ÿ™ he has the tendency to leave me voicemails (he's blocked from my phone & msgs) abusing me :/ swears at me, degrades me, then hours later I get voicemails with apologies :///

It's came to my attention that I have fallen for a sociopath, who abuses me. I can't even get to know this new brother properly as I have the first weirdo on my mind...

It's like I want to be with him but I can't due to his abnormal personality & family differences we have... I also can't be with someone who abuses & degrades me who's very manipulative yet I have feelings for :/

Guys here's the advice I really really need... Do I give this sociopath a chance to meet my parents as I have feelings for him, or do I move on & start fresh??! It's been over a year and a half I've known him & I find it abnormal how he 'loves' me... As it was never both ways... now he abuses me with his foul language really gets to me. Why do I have feelings for him???! I don't know where these feelings have come from? Is it because I'm so used to him chasing me?
I don't know... But I would really appreciate your help... Jzk


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24 Responses »

  1. OH MY GOD girl whats wrong with you?????? HOW on everything on earth can you even consider giving him a "chance" ???? Do you enjoy him abusing you?? Is that how you imagine your childs father to be???

    • That's why I wrote this post... So you sisters can get me out of this black hole back in to reality ๐Ÿ˜‰ jzk! Onwards and upwards InshaAllah xxx

      • I've lived with a narcissistic sociopath for over 20 years it was a nightmare we are still married but not together it would make this 26 years of marriage as of today he was caught cheating on his girlfriend that he was living with for the past six years this man cheated on me 4/26 years sociopaths don't have the capability to feel guilt or change Dale of control they love themselves and when you don't give them attention and you tried to dump them there hurt you they will cuss at you it will make your life miserable and there's no way to get rid of them if you have kids especially. They are a nightmare to deal with they will come and they will go but they always come back because it's a control thing for them you must be strong. Be as boring to him as possible make sure you have nothing for him because they use you to benefit themselves

  2. Sister,

    Get a new phone number and move on. If this man will not leave you alone, inform him that you will file a restraining order against him if he doesn't stop contacting you. Situations like this can turn deadly and for your own safety, you need to distance yourself from him and stop any and all contact. Stay safe.


  3. Change your number. If he knows where you live, call the police.

    You never give him a chance, ever. Never ever.

    Please sister, he is crazy.

  4. Asalam o Alaikum dear sister.
    I read your story and it seems to me that you know what the right thing to do here is. You are just questioning WHY? why are you getting these feelings for him even though he abuses you. Well there is a rational explaination for that. Its the hormone oxytocine. When a child is born, the motherโ€™s body releases lots of oxytocine. It is the reason a mother loves her child even when child birth is an extremely painful process. When the child is born a mother gets that love and effection for her new born. If Allah swt didnt created this hormone and this system, a mother wouldnt be able to love her baby because he would have caused her imense pain. So you see when someone is hurting us the endorphines (hormones to ease the pain) and oxytocine gets released. Sometimes you witness that a woman loves her abusive husband. Its because after the abuse, the person standing is the one we love more, because of that hormone. Its also called the love hormone.
    Now coming to the behaviour of that guy. There is a common theory that men are naturaly hunters! And what he is feeling for you is not love. Its just an obssession and the urge to catch his pray(not all men are like that, it depends on the personality type). Imagine, he is crazy for you now, and even then he uses abusive language etc. What will happen when he knows you are his and he starts to search for another hunt. What will he do to you then??
    I think you must have a better understanding of your phsycology and his aswell by now (you can further research on it if you like). My opinion here now is that you be kind to that man because he is a human and better yet a muslim. You should sms him and make him understand softly that you cannot be with him and that its not his fault etc(sometimes people get stuck coz they think they did something wrong to fend the other person) and that you are going to change your number after this. Apologize to him, that if you have hurt him. If you say this, I think, he may find the decency to leave you be and move on+ you wont feel guily and will be able to know the other man more comfortably.
    Read surah Ikhlas, al Falaq, and an Naas three times each, in the morning and in the evening to get the protection of Allah from any calamity for the whole day.
    ุจูุณู’ู…ู ุงู„ู„ู‡ู ุงู„ู‘ูŽุฐููŠ ู„ูŽุง ูŠูŽุถูุฑู‘ู ู…ูŽุนูŽ ุงุณู’ู…ูู‡ู ุดูŽูŠู’ุกูŒ ูููŠ ุงู„ู’ุฃูŽุฑู’ุถู ูˆูŽู„ูŽุง ูููŠ ุงู„ุณู‘ูŽู…ูŽุงุกู ูˆูŽู‡ููˆูŽ ุงู„ุณู‘ูŽู…ููŠุนู ุงู„ู’ุนูŽู„ููŠู…

    3 times in the morning and in the evening for protection too. May Allah keep you happy and safe. Ameen. Wasalam.

    • JazakAllah for your words of wisdom thank you may Allah bless you all

      • You are welcome sister. Wasalam

        • Attachment is created by spending time with any living or non living specie. We even get attached to little things like coffee mug etc
          So it is not strange to have sympathy or attraction or feelings for him because you have spent reasonable time with him over phone trying to avoid him without changing your sim card.

    • Sister Arwa ,

      Its strange .How hormones will be generated when some one is mentally harassing her ?
      I think you are relating two wrong ends by comparing with mother's hormones .

      I think she should cut all contacts with him as he seems to have some problem .

      • Yes dear sister. I am asking her to do the same as you are suggesting. The explaination I gave to her is a research on a masochistic behaviour. Maybe I didnt explain it thoroughly but all of human emotions are generated by hormones. the bottom line is that by the replies of all the bloggers on this post, our sister must be very clear on her next course of action and thats whats important. Stay blessed, May Allah keep us all out of the harms way. Ameen.

  5. i may be harsh here. stop enjoying this condition. one of my friends used to have a person in her life he was the brother of her friend who was after her and all the time calling her a S*** through sms, spying her through the university friends and through the student's president etc.
    she stopped replying him at all so what he did he kidnapped her with the help of friends in the evening and forcefully made a video with her kissing eachother and left her with a threat he may send it to her parents by then she told everything to her mom but she was all the time trembling she could nt tell her father. so i advised her the same people are giving you here but she was so used to it she did nt change her number by chance she went to u.k and thats how he spared her soul now she is back in Pakistan.
    you are now enjoying but when it will seem to him that he is not getting what he want to get he will harm you . you should take it seriously it is not a film going on where the lover will die for you like this. if he had loved you he would have left your way. its a matter of his ego. when he will get you he will leave you later.

  6. AoA dear sister, please stay away from this psychotic being. The same happened to my cousin who had to report to the police as the stalker at the time would make videos and circulate them, besides the point. I would advise you, If you have nothing in common then let go of this weird being. The brother you described needs help, someone like you said sociopath who needs a life and doesn't have nothing better to do, cut all contact change your number and get to know the new brother who is on the same length as you.

    Mental abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. You deserve someone on your same mentality sister. My prayers are with you, stay safe.

    • Wallahi I had videos sent to me too omg! Your right I think I got sucked into this guys weirdness... I have changed my number ๐Ÿ™‚ I won't let shaitains whispers ever make me think about the weirdo again... Alhamdulilah xx

  7. I'm sorry brother murtaza but how would you know what love is? If someone makes you cringe and feel sick in the stomach, that possibly can't be love.

  8. Sister I haven't read any of the responses, but I would simply like to say, why do you want to destroy your life by pursuing a man with the above character traits. Allah swt has blessed you and revealed his true colours, now use this blessing to cut him out of your life for good - if that means changing ur number, blocking him, etc then do it, and focus on someone who is mentally stable and would InshaAllah become a good husband and father. If you have any good feelings for the other guy, just pray that Allah guides him and gives him good in this world and the hereafter, and that you are guided to a man who will be good for you in this world and the hereafter.

  9. Please stop contacting him. Such people ruin others lives. I have met few such psycho in life that left terrible experience. IT looks you have something in your heart for this guy as you are still in contact and replying after he is abusing. For every relationship respect is the baseline.

  10. Who is this sick guy? Admin please block this brother who needs help. Jzk. No1 mentioned desires and the false accusations you are making are dangerous. Get some help brother before giving advice

  11. I just want to advis two things

    Number one do istekhara by your self it wil help you to get rid of him easily and calm your feelings no way our to get rid peacefully other than istekhara.

    2nd he is such a sticky looser just want to get very single chance to disgrace you for your life time as a revenge of your disapproval to have a relationship with him he felt as he disgraced by you. I think this brief explanation and the above comment should be enough for your understanding and for God sake do not even think to reply him or attend his call for listening his satanic voice he is satan in human form so iblees is making space in your heart for him as a help in his dirty evil plan for you so be aware!

  12. Dear Sister,

    I think you are feeling the effects of dopamine. When this guy is chasing you or harassing you, there is dopamine released in your brain and it feels good. Thats why you think you like him.

    Just ignore it and move on with your life. If the dopamine was released because of your kind and caring husband then you could enjoy those feelings as much as you can.

    May Allah grant you a righteous spouse.

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